Work Text:
“Kim Seungmin,” Lee Know says.
Seungmin doesn’t hear his words, maybe Lee Know said it too quietly, or Seungmin is deliberately ignoring his words.
“Ya!” Lee Know snaps. He seems more agitated than usual, more on edge.
Seungmin brings his tired eyes to meet Lee Knows wide ones.
“Hyung.”
Lee Know immediately softens when he notices the younger’s fatigue. “Can you help me practice English, Minnie?” he asks gently, reaching over to sort out Seungmin’s messy black bangs.
Seungmin nods, still extremely groggy. He manages to untangle his legs and slump onto the chair next to Lee Know, eyes trying to focus on the words that are open in the textbook.
“So…what is it you need help on?”
“Pronunciation. Or grammar structure. Anything really.”
Seungmin doesn’t respond, leaving an awkward silence hanging in the room. Lee Know turns to look at Seungmin again, whose head drooped down at an uncomfortable angle. He moves closer, listening to the calm and paced breaths of sleep.
Lee Know places his jacket on top of Seungmin’s back and brings a pillow to adjust his head onto. Unbeknownst to the sleeping man, Lee Know is writing a song for him — another confession of his love and adoration that he conceals with snarky remarks and banters.
He taps his pencil against the English textbook, scanning his eyes over the pages of vocabulary. Although he could write the entire song in Korean, he thinks that it would be more special to introduce at least one phrase in English, one phrase that Seungmin was sure to keep in his heart.
“The love of my life?” No. Too cliche.
“Puppy love?” The members already all called Seungmin a puppy. No, it had to be special.
Lee Know sighs. He wasn’t sure if he could articulate his feelings for his boyfriend in Korean, let alone English.
“Minho hyung,” murmurs Seungmin. He rubs his eyes, and his gaze lands on Lee Know’s contemplative expression.
“Hey baby, you’re awake.” Lee Know glances at the clock and realizes that it’s been half an hour since Seungmin fell asleep.
His boyfriend buries his nose into Lee Know’s neck, pressing light, damp kisses onto the smooth skin. He drags his lips over the collarbone, tracing the sharp outline.
Lee Know lets out a relaxed breath and brings his hands up to rub Seungmin’s hair. He pulls him into a loose embrace, large spaces of air separating his hug and the other man’s limp arms, but Seungmin pushes his body into Lee Know to close the excess gap.
“This is nice,” Seungmin thinks. He allows himself to feel the warmth, feel the comfort, feel the love. His foggy mind absorbs the sensation of his head against Lee Know’s chest, and he loves this feeling—the hardness of his chest along with the peace and quiet in the air.
His own heart is pounding so hard in his ears, but there is only comforting silence. It’s not the type of silence that leaves his brain overthinking. No, it is the silence that feels like when he wraps his hands around a mug of hot chocolate on a cold day, the feeling almost tangible yet lingering.
Lee Know relaxes at the pressure of Seungmin’s head. At this moment, he thinks he’d do anything for the man named Kim Seungmin. He’d give his all just to see Seungmin’s mouth curve into that precious smile, to hear his sound of laughter that he’d imprint into his mind if he could, and to be able to spend the rest of his time on Earth with him.
To say Lee Know loves Seungmin is an understatement. This love, it blinds him, so much to the point that he would even throw away his current life to follow whichever path Seungmin would want to go. Wherever Seungmin goes, Lee Know vows to accompany him, at his side forever.
“Love is blind,” Lee Know repeats in his mind. “Love sure is blind.” The mantra goes on in his mind, even in his dreams as he falls asleep, too tired to put up with the exhaustion anymore.
—
Lee Know wakes up. The bed is empty and there is no noise. It’s too quiet, way too quiet.
“Where’d Seungmin go?” he mutters frantically, hastily pulling slippers onto his mismatched socks. Seungmin’s shoes aren’t in front of the door, which means that Seungmin definitely left.
And surely, there is a note on the dining table, along with a plate.
Minho hyung. I’ve left early to practice my vocals. You haven’t woken up yet, so I’ve prepared some breakfast for you! I’m sure you’ll love it, and please remember to eat well.
Love you! Seungmin <3
Lee Know lifts the silver bowl that is keeping the food warm. There are two cat shaped rice balls, along with some strawberry and orange slices.
He brings the plate with him in front of the TV, deciding to watch some videos that Stay made about 2min, their official ship name. Perhaps it would bring him some inspiration or maybe a good laugh.
The rice balls taste good, inside is a soft boiled egg that was marinated in soy sauce. Lee Know loves eating eggs with rice; it’s one of his favorite foods. He chews, savoring the crunch of the seaweed against the softness of rice. He’s content with his boyfriend’s cooking (and that is a compliment, since Lee Know himself is a well established cook).
His hands smooth over the wrinkles of the note Seungmin left him, and he turns it around. The paper is a receipt, one from 3 months ago to be exact. Lee Know remembers it clear as day, after all, it was the first time they ever kissed.
The date was at a local cafe, one that all eight of the members would go to after dance practice or vocal training. Seungmin ordered an Americano, and Lee Know ordered a matcha.
The barista had made a remark that sounded like “You two are cute together” or something of the sort. Perhaps it may have been because Seungmin and Lee Know were alone together, but after that day they never saw that girl again. She was a silent Cupid from behind, supporting the couple even though one day they might have to face the possibility of toxic fans.
That night, Lee Know gave into his temptation and pulled Seungmin into a kiss, the night view glimmering with city lights and twinkling stars.
Lee Know slips the paper behind his phone case, just in case he forgets it and leaves it somewhere he won’t remember. He’ll store it in the binder full of keepsakes, treasures of Seungmin’s and Lee Know’s relationship.
He goes into his room and changes into a soft blue hoodie and black sweatpants. He pushes the edge of the hoodie sleeves over his hands, spreading his covered hands over his face.
These hands… They were the hands that have caressed Seungmin, the hands that type up little snippets of songs for his boyfriend. He wonders what would happen if he never met him.
What would I be doing right now? Would I be thinking about another boy? Or would I not be lovesick?
He swallows, even though his mouth is dry. He’s so unsure about everything, and the uncertainty is starting to tug at the edges of his brain, slowly unraveling all the confidence that he needs to maintain.
It’s frustrating, the mixture of his thoughts and his feelings. Lee Know isn’t open with his own emotions. Sure, he does experience them, like any other person. But ever since he was a child, it was hard for him to acknowledge that he was sad or stressed, only masking it under a smile or an agitated remark.
His parents gave up on him when his grades started slipping like sand in his hands, and they only blindly supported his new interest in dancing, barely agreeing to his “silly little dream”.
But now that he’s successful, it’s like the isolation and negativity never happened.
And Lee Know doesn’t know how to deal with it. He doesn’t know how he feels about his parents suddenly congratulating him. He hates how uncertain his emotions make him feel, how vulnerable he feels because he doesn’t have his life in control.
So he just plasters a smile on his face. “Yes mom, I can visit this weekend.” “Thanks dad, I’ll let you know if I can go to dinner tomorrow.”
Only Seungmin seems to see through his fake smiles. And he doesn’t patronize him for it. He takes his trembling hands into his own pure, smooth hands and talks it out with him.
He doesn’t ask him how he feels about a situation. Seungmin won’t put words into his mouth and tell him what decision to make. He just lets Lee Know talk to him, listening to his words like he’s actually touching them, not only passively listening.
Seungmin makes him feel like he’s alive and that his mind isn’t just part of his physical body, there's his heart too, and Seungmin is always able to grasp onto it carefully, sorting through the tangled strings of emotions.
Lee Know thinks of Seungmin as a mug of hot milk tea — the first sip is warm and tasty but the aftertaste is bittersweet, like his feelings are too selfish to let him enjoy their moments together.
He takes his journal, a matching one that Seungmin got for him.
“Journaling is a way to release your thoughts and organize them, so you won’t be too stressed,” he had said when he handed the Kuromi notebook to him. Seungmin is Pochacco; Lee Know is Kuromi.
The pages are still crisp, the faint scent of a new notebook lingering in his nose. He takes a black pen and begins to draft his thoughts for the song, just random fleeting thoughts that have accumulated in his mind about Seungmin.
“Milk tea” “The first sip is warm, the aftertaste bittersweet” “My love for you is blind” “Can’t see without you but still can’t show you my heart”
And he writes and writes, addicted to his thoughts. His mind keeps chasing on and on for some unreachable, non-existent thought.
By the time Seungmin enters Lee Know’s apartment, Lee Know is fast asleep on the crumpled pages, his hair rumpled and messy, and his head resting on the crumpled papers of the notebook.
Seungmin stares at his hyung with love and adoration; he pulls a blanket onto his back and organizes the black out of place strands of hair. The pages of the Kuromi notebook are out in the open and unhidden, so Seungmin sneaks a peek at what Lee Know has been working on.
The page is titled: “Song for minnie <3 pt2.” Seungmin holds his breath, surprised at his discovery and afraid that if he breathes too loudly, Lee Know will wake up and see him peering at his secret project.
He leaves the room, the initial shock subsiding, replaced with feelings of warmth pooling in his chest. He goes into the kitchen to prepare some food, needing something to distract his racing thoughts. The kitchen is bare, but he sees the empty dish that held the rice balls he made for his breakfast. Seungmin is glad that Lee Know finished the meal; it means that he enjoyed it.
He sets his mind on making bossam, since it consists of pork, lettuce wraps, and other side dishes that his boyfriend was sure to enjoy. He also heats up some galbitang, to cleanse their palates after the flavorful bossam. The meal is fairly easy to make, and when he finishes, the whole apartment is filled with the aroma of food.
Lee Know trudges out of his room, awoken by the scent of food. He sniffs the air, letting himself melt into the comforting smell. His legs drag his heavy body to Seungmin, and he wraps his arms around the other man’s torso, taking in the scent of clean shampoo.
“You’re awake jagi,” Seungmin says, careful to not let his cooking jolt his body and disrupt the peaceful scene.
“Mmm. What’re you making?” he asks lazily, voice slurring.
“Bossam and galbitang. I think you’ll enjoy it.”
“Of course I will, it’s my boyfriend’s cooking,” Lee Know says, a smile dancing on his lips.
“Okay get off me. I have to serve the food,” Seungmin says, playfully pushing Lee Know backwards.
Lee Know pouts, crossing his arms over each other. “Hmph.” He knows he’s being brattier than usual, but today all he can think about is Seungmin — his boyfriend, lover, and salvation.
Seungmin plates the food onto the table, ladling the soup into two bowls and delicately arranging the lettuce leaves, pork slices, side dishes, and other sauces into the middle. He grabs one of the lettuce and layers pork and kimchi on top, folding the edges over each other.
“Hyung, open your mouth,” Seungmin says, holding the food up in his palms.
Lee Know obligingly opens his mouth. Seungmin gently shoves it into his mouth, making sure that the ssamjang doesn’t drip out and that he doesn’t choke. Lee Know chews it; the lettuce is crunchy, the flavors are immaculate, and the meat is exquisitely soft. It’s the perfect combination.
He swallows. “Minnie,” he whines. “It’s delicious, when did you steal my cooking skills?”
Seungmin chuckles. “I never stole anything from you… Just hanging out with my boyfriend has got me some top-tier cooking.”
Lee Know leans in, taking Seungmin by surprise. Their lips collide; Lee Know’s arms wrap around Seungmin’s shoulders, pushing pushing pushing them against the wall. The kiss is soft and rhythmic; Seungmin can feel the warmth in his mouth, and it feels so good so so good and he pushes his tongue into Lee Know’s mouth. He can feel his heartbeat in his ears loudly thumping, and he roams his hands over Lee Know’s chest, feeling the other’s heart go ba-bump ba-bump ba-bump .
So this is what it’s like to be in love. The beats are grounding, so steadily paced but fast and eternal. It feels like gusts of wind on a warm day, fleeting coolness but entirely comforting.
His hands trail over Lee Know’s hair, gripping it tightly. Seungmin can taste the lingering spiciness of the ssamjang on his lips, but the heat of the spice is nothing compared to how delicately sweet the kiss is — it’s like the time they had their first kiss underneath the sparkling night sky, except more hundred times more familiar and passionate.
They pull apart, skin warm and tingling. Lee Know wraps Seungmin’s face into his hands, rubbing his rough fingerprints on the cheekbones. The pads of his fingers are coarse, but the touch is soft and loving.
“I love you Kim Seungmin, I love love love love love you my cute mong mong Seungminnie,” Lee Know rambles, his eyes filled with emotion.
Seungmin gazes into his brown eyes, the light shining onto it to contrast into the warmest, glowing shade of brown ever.
“Minho hyung,” he says longingly, and he pulls him into an embrace.
Lee Know loves how Seungmin speaks with his actions, instead of his words, because it reassures him that Seungmin will always hold his hand throughout anything he’s going through. He won’t tell him with fake words, no, he’ll always stay by his side. And Lee Know loves how Seungmin understands him so deeply, like no one else ever has.
—
Seungmin has a dream. He dreams that his anxiety returns to eat him out alive, and he’s suddenly back in high school.
“Seungmin, it’s your turn to give your prompt to the classmates,” the teacher says.
He gets up from his seat, walking in front of the whiteboard. “What’s the strangest topic that you have ever been taught at school?” he asks everyone.
It was supposed to be a funny question. A question that would bring up his classmates’ funny stories.
But when someone shouts out “sex!”, the teacher immediately frowns at Seungmin, her disapproving expression boring holes into Seungmin’s mind. “Next time don’t come up with questions like these,” she says. The disappointment in her voice seems to cut into Seungmin’s throat, grabbing it tight and restricting the air until the pressure overwhelms him.
He can’t breathe. Tears prick his vision, his thoughts turning sour and gray.
You’re so stupid, why couldn’t you pick a better question. Now the teacher hates you, and your classmates find you weird. Stupid dumb Kim Seungmin.
He fidgets with his fingernails and the cuff of his shirt, pressing each fingernail on the grooves of his other fingernails and pulling at the dirty, loose thread in the seam of his sleeve.
“No crying. You can’t cry here,” he frantically thinks, blinking fast. He’s just overreacting. But the tears won’t stop and his breath gets even shakier and the tears slide down his face. His face is uncomfortably hot, and he wants to claw his ears out from the noise of tables screeching. He covers his face but it doesn’t help because everyone is watching him, their eyes peering eerily onto his trembling silhouette. His chest constricts, and he can’t, he can’t inhale properly and it hurts so much.
He runs out of the classroom and crashes against a girl who is holding a coffee, the collision shocking Seungmin’s entire body. The brown liquid is splattered across the white sleeve of his shirt, so dirty and gross.
Shit, mother is going to be so mad.
“I’m sorry,” Seungmin breathes out, bowing his head down. His head spins around him and he sniffles loudly. The girl is probably thinking that he is so stupid or something, and he chokes on his saliva, the air in his throat escaping. It hurts so much and there’s not enough oxygen and he can’t breathe, he can’t fucking breathe and-
Light shines into Seungmin’s face, and he hears a faint echo of a voice, a slight touch, gentle like a feather on his skin that’s here to rescue him from his drowning senses.
The sunlight glares into his eyes, the pain in his head worsening even more. The touch on his face brushes across his cheekbones, coolness against the suffocating heat.
Lee Know is sitting next to Seungmin, concern etched on his expression.
“Minnie baby listen to me hmm? You can get through this and I’m here for you and I’m going to hold onto you until you come back to me. I’ll be here forever, shh…” he murmurs comfortingly, even though he is a bit nervous himself, since he knows he’s not good with his emotions, let alone with other people’s emotions.
Seungmin raises his palm to Lee Know’s hand, gripping it tightly as tears continue dripping off the sides of his cheeks. “Minho,” he blubbers. With Lee Know’s help, he sits upright and follows his instructions to take long deep breaths.
The heaviness in his chest settles to the far parts of his brain, and the pressure on his head fades to a slow, stable hum. Lee Know wipes Seungmin’s tears with his sleeves, pressing kisses on his temple and forehead.
“Is something wrong baby? If you’re uncomfortable saying, then you don’t have to tell me, and we can just cuddle,” Lee Know offers.
Seungmin blinks some little stray tears down. “Had a bad dream,” he says, not elaborating. Of course, he thought he had gotten over his anxiety, that after debuting everything was going to be okay, but this terrible dream reignited what he thought were well buried feelings.
Lee Know rushes over to the other room, his steps loudly thumping on the floor when he returns. He’s brought his laptop in one hand and a mug of warm tea in the other. Seungmin takes the cup from Lee Know’s hands, the heat burning his palms but numbing his feelings.
“I made a song for you. It’s not done yet, but I think I’ll show it to you today,” Lee Know says.
Seungmin nods wordlessly, although a small kindle of affection flares in his chest. He watches as his boyfriend presses the play button, listening to his angelic vocals.
Minho truly is perfection. His existence is ethereal, an angel sent to save me from my drowning thoughts. His heart is full of raw emotion, so beautiful and clear like the autumn wind.
He leans onto Lee Know’s shoulders, drinking the honey tea and tracing his fingers over Lee Know’s palm.
One trace. I love you. Second line. I’m sorry . Third trace. I’m so grateful for you . Lee Know closes two fingers over Seungmin’s. I know and thank you.
The melody of the song is so sweet and bare, soothing Seungmin’s uncertainty and nervousness. The song ends on a bright note, love and hope blooming in his chest.
“Hyung,” Seungmin says, crashing his lips onto his boyfriend’s. Lee Know laughs and rests his arms into a loose hug, afraid that too much physical contact would overwhelm Seungmin. Seungmin pecks Lee Know’s nose.
“Thank you, hyung,” he says. “Without you, I’d be lost, spiraling in the void but no, you’re the light that leads me out, and I love you with my entire body, soul, and heart.”
Lee Know is breathless, and he squeezes Seungmin’s hands. His eyes are watery, but he’s not sure if he should let himself cry. He smiles a bit, reassuring himself that it’s okay to hold his tears back.
But Seungmin brushes his cheeks, the touch tentative and hesitant but pure. “You can cry Minho. Don’t hold yourself back. I won’t leave you if your tears fall. You’re human too.”
And something in those words breaks Lee Know’s heart, his shoulders shudder as the teardrops slide down his face and his lips tremble so he sucks in a deep long breath and presses them together. It’s refreshing, being able to cry so freely and knowing that Seungmin is right here by his side is a blessing.
“I love you, my mong mong Seungmin.” he says wetly.
“Minho, you’re the love of my life and nothing or no one else, I’m going to hold your hand and hug you forever,” Seungmin says.
Their hands grip each other tightly as they push their bodies together again, entwined in a loving embrace.