Chapter Text
Shang Qinghua was ever so familiar with the concept of loneliness. He was after all by himself 24 out of 7. Did it mean that loneliness particulay affected him? Well… no, but actually yes. He felt relived sometimes by the benefit of having all the intimacy requiered for his pathetic self to shine, without a judging public as witness, but he hated to not feel the comforting presence of another. But what could he do after all? He had a hard time maintaining relathionships of any kind. He sabotaged them left and right, and after a while he didn’t even bother to try anymore. He was a recluse anyway, a homebody, so he simply comforted himsef with the idea that he didn’t need anyone, any friends, any lovers or any family, or even any pets. He had a plant though…. emphasis on had, because the little bastard died on him last week. Constantly brainwashing himself, he was for the most part content with his loneliness. The fact that he was a writer also helped, he could try to trick his brain that his lifestyle was excetric or artistic, and not in anyway plain sad.
You could say that he had a way to socialize through his work and the positive comments he received were a balm, even with the incredible betrayal he commited to himself. Catering to the audience and allowing their opinnion to influence this and that, and ultimately everything, was disconcerting at times, quite the motivation killer, but the money and appreciation were nice and welcomed. If he didn’t have those, what could actually stop him from killing himself at the end if the day? A frightening thought, what would he do when unavoidably his audience left him? Or when he simply has a mental breakdown from all the hot garbage he keeps filling pages and pages of digital writing?
But he did have does thoughts. And the idea that what he has is not enough, does not motivate him enough anymore is more and more insistent and eats at his heart and mind religiously. To have a perpetually gaping hole in his life was that the way to live? Should he just do it? End thinghs? Find the courage to put an end to his worries and suffering and anxieties and worthlessness and and and and… the list could go on but what is the point?
So following that logic is no surprise that, as his mind took a dark turn, so did his writing. Luo Binghe slowly morfed in a worse and worse individual, emulating his creator. He was moodier, crueler, more self destructing or destructing in general. As if Shang Qinghua was trying to end his world just as Shang Qinghua wanted to destroy himself. It was in a way therapeutic. Of course, with the shift in his writing, his fans were quick to notice and point it out, trying to rip the author to sherds for deviating so much from his original fake style. A bit of his real self peaked throug the horrifing adventures and actions of Luo Binghe, and his readers hated him for that. They hated the new Luo binghe ergo they hated the real Shang Qinghua.
Feeling offended and energized one night he decided to just fuck it and delete the whole thing. His entire work, all his hundred of chapters, all the backup files in his computer, and post in all caps FUCK YOU ALL,I’M TAKING THE ENDING TO THE GRAVE in a new chapter, the only left on what once was the PIDW empire. No surprise hell broke lose. He received comment after comment on that post. Each more angry than the other, and each more entitled and speculative.Some were swearing at him, some were treathning, some were jubilating at his breakdown, some just called him an attention whore. Just one person remained oddly silent, his number one antifan, since he started shifting his tone to a more dark and depressing one, he had remained ultimately silent. No comment, no essay lenght analysis, no nothing. That striked him as odd, but just assumed that he lost interest, found Shang Qinghua and all his work boring. Even though he was silent until now, he did message him after this event. He said nothing Shang Qinghua expected. He was not angry, not calling him out, not complaining that he deleted his entire work. He simply said: if you need someone to talk to reach out to me or this helpline, que some contact numbers for suicide prevention lines and online emergency therapists. To say he was surprised was an understatement.
He didn t know how to react to that. He was a bit touched that he was worried him about him, but in the end Shang Qinghua didn’t beliver it was more than a detached kindness of a stranger that ultimately didn’t want to have anything to do with him. He felt that Peerless Cucumber in all his crass way of being and speaking was not as sincere as he wanted himself to be. He called bluff, but was hopeful in a sense.
So he did the second most impulsing thing in his life. He send his home address as a reply to his message. Nothing else.He then proceded to shut off his computer and just collapse in his bed. He contemplated how to end things. Shang Qinghua felt a helplessness he didn’t enconter before. He felt utterly and completly worthless, zero desire to be alive and with no novel that pulled at him and gave him a sense of being and purpose he decided to simply kill himself.
Should he hang himself? He didn t know how to do the famous hanging loop and had a severe lack of pillars to use.
Should he slash his veins open? Too painful and he probably didn’t have the guts for it. Also, sligh blood phobia.
Should he overdose or poison on some shit? Could do, I mean what could be more dramatic than dying by jogging bleach? A lot of stuff actually. Maybe he should jumb off a bridge? See the outside for one last time and drown.
Should he…… but his hour long contemplation was interupted by a pounding to his door. A loud, violent and desperate pounding on his door. He startled and made his way to open the door. His heart was palpitating. Could that be? No, no way!!!!!!
He unlocked and slowly opened the door and his gaze met the panicked eyes of a young man, slightly about the same hight as him and slender. The fist thing he said after seeing Shang Qinghua was: “Thank god you’re still alive!” and proceded to enter his apartment and sit on his couch face in his hand.
For lack of a better reply he simply closed the door and asked: “What’s your name?” The man looked at him through the gaps of his fingers and said softly:” That’s the fucking thing you wanna ask. Shen Yuan.”
“You really scared the hell out of me with your message. I was so sure I wouldn’t get here in time and I couldn’t stop imagining your souless body collapsed around here just waiting to be discovered.”
“Ah” for lack of a better word shang qinghua sat next to Shen Yuan and sighted. “You got here fast enough then.”
“ Don’t fucking say that. Look, I know that I am just a stranger to you, but I was honest. I really am here to lend you and ear and hopefully I can help you get better. You know, help with whatever made you make that decision and try to change your mind. Suicide is definetly not the answer to your problems and I know you might not put any weight on my wors right now. But please just let me try and help.”
“ .... Well, I thing we crossed the strangers bridge as of now.” Silence followed. He didn’t know what to say and with the way Shen Yuan fidget with his fingers, he wasn’t more inspired. He stood up and tryed to play to good host at the very least.
“ So, Shen Yuan. Do you want anything to drink? I have instant coffee, energy drinks and tap water.”
“Ah, water is fine. Thank you.”
He bought Shen Yuan his water and couldn’t help but remark shepishly: “ You really don’t look at all as I imagined you” Shen Yuan raised an eyebrow at that.
“ You were kind of troll and I didn’t expect you to be half as normal as you appear. I mean don’t get me wrong, I just assumed, since you were always present in my comments sections, and wrote a full lenght commentary at every chapter, that you were some kind of NEET, leaving in his parents basement or something”
“ Airplane, that is so cliche and insulting. I just happen to have more free time that the average person, that does not mean that I am NEET. That’s just a stereotype. Speaking of, what’s your name?”
“Shang Qinghua.”
Two eyebrows were raised now.
“Seriously? Was Shang Qinghua from PIDW your self insert or something? And why would you even portray yourself in a loser canon fodder traitor?”
“ Yeah, well when I wanted to include a traitor in the peaks, I was going to a pretty heavy self hating phase.”
“ Ah, sorry. I….sometimes I say shit without thinking. I didn t mean to… i just. Ah.”
“ It’s ok bro. Don’t mind” he smiled at Shen Yuan and he returned the smile even if a bit strained. Awkward silence installing again, he decided to turn on the TV and mindlesly putting on some random variety show for some background noise. Shen Yuan sipped his water and concentrated his attention on the TV for a second and nervously asked.
„So... ahh. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and don’t feel the need to share anything you don’t want to, but what happened?” Shang Qinghua looked him in the eye and then looked anywhere else. He didn’t know what to tell Shen Yuan. What was the appropriate level of info dumping in this case? Should he just lay bare in front of his anti-fan and share all the depressing states he was going through. He did not expect Shen Yuan to step into his home, he did not expect his cry for help to be anwered. Maybe he really was looking for attention.
„Cucumber-bro, I’m sorry to have scared you, but I really din’t expect you to show up here.” He laughed nervously and continued to avoid his gaze. „ I am really just going through a bit of an existencial crisis. I wasn’t really happy on how th story progressed and decided to start anew.”
„Really.” replied Shen Yuan. „Well, I am glad I came either way. I was dying to see what you could come up with if you let all that bullshit YY behind.” I realy liked the plot of PIDW, it had some very interesting foreshadowings and cool monsters, to mention plants.”
„I think you are the only want who thinks that Cucumber-bro. No one really paid attention to any of that, unless I gave them some sex scene sprinkled in.”
„God, the sex scenes were the worst. It really made me wonder how the hell you came up with those impossibly ridiculous shit”
„Well, I am single gay virgin writing straight sex for a bunch of others single virgins. What did you expect?”
Shen Yuan eyes stared, wide-eyed at him and he just realized what he admited to.
„Ah, just ignore what I said”
„No, no. Sorry, I am not homophobic or something” he said quickly waiving his arms in front of is face. The way he panicked and tryed to assure Shang Qinghua was cute and surprising. Shen Yuan really was kind, even if he is an internet troll, at least he is a nice one IRL.
He laughed: „ Glad to hear it.” Silence followed once more. Shen Yuan was less flustered now and sipped his water. Shen Yuan didn’t seem inclined to open a converstion anymore, he looked quite tired himself. So, Shang Qinghua maitain the silence.
Slowly, Shang Qinghua started to relax. He couldn’t remember when was the last time he had someone over. Actually, scratch that, in this particular house he didn’t think he ever had someone over, that wasn’t a repair man. He didn’t have anyone to watch TV with since he was a child, he didn’t have someone to just talk to in the evening (or middle of the night in this case), and the conforting presence of another warm being, combined with all the sleepless nights he had the last days, worked together to make him really sleepy. He let his head rest on the couch and sighted. Eventually he fell asleep, the depeest sleep he had in months.