Work Text:
It wasn’t their fault, anyone’s really. They were just showing Nicky their journal, apparently the one they had when they were still alive, traveling the world. It wasn’t the columns or the grape vines, not even that colosseum built after my time that had the fates of people's lives held in the palm of the population's hands.
No, no it wasn’t that, it was not those buildings or the westerners awe, Nicky trying to copy the careful strokes of charcoal, or Jedediah’s jest. It’s those damned bells its so loud, why are they there? Its all so familiar but so loud, too loud it just so damn lou-
“Ockie? Y’kay?” it quiets for a moment, silence gracing my mind. “H-huh?” i hadn’t noticed that i had my hands twisting against each other, my eyes closed tightly, the slight shake in my voice. “I asked if ya were okay, ya started doin’ that thing you do when somethin’s botherin’ ya” his soft smile makes my heart skip a beat, a heart thats fake.
I look ahead again, if i dont feel alive i wont feel pain. “Yes, yes i am fine my friend” i dont think i could ever lie to Jedediah and get away with it, today is no different but for some reason he does not push. Thank jupiter for that “what are those things on that building? What are they for?” Nicky was always one to question our architecture, more than the west, actually.
“They are called carillon bells, there are usually a bunch of them in one space, they were to send messages or to tell the time, now i think they use them as an instrument” The traveler explains….carillon bells……..
‘ Like carillon bells, the house of Augustus rings’ .....dont please, please dont tell me..its already too loud. Say you left, say you went somewhere far, far away, the sound of the page flipping feels more like a stab to the chest, hoping, waiting for death. “Circus maximus?” a sigh pushes itself sharply out of my lungs “yep! It was known for chariot racing and gladiator fights, it was actually running during Octavius’s time, isnt that right?”
“Yes but i-” oh no, oh dear jupiter no . I can feel my breathing grow shallow as time passes on “-i…i wasnt one to….venture there much” those bells dont seem to cease, it grows louder and louder with each second of staring of that house, ‘ its alright, its damaged, destroyed, only a fool would try and live in a place in that condition ’ i fear my eardrums shall shatter if the noise does not stop, but if my heart is fake can anything truly break?
‘ With the echoing hymn of my fellow passerine, they took to it. Like a fox to a burrow, like an eagle to an aerie’ I look down, if i do not make a scene there will be nothing to worry about ‘ with a fool comes desperation, why would you try and deny them shelter? If you give a bird a nest it would take it gladly, what emperor are you?’
I never wanted to be one, i am not one, i did not ask to live this way. I did not ask for immortality like he did! I did not ask for this! A rough fabric covers my hand, i do not even need to turn my head to know who it belongs to but i do anyways “‘Tavius, are ya sure you’re okay? We can head back if ya need ta”
My lungs fill with air, they are also fake, but they still fill regardless “i..i do believe i am quite tired, we should head back” i did not lie this time, i am tired, but he does not know of what, nobody does ‘ And my gods, it's getting hard to even hum a single thing’
Before long we arrived at the space between our two diorama’s “welp, ill see ya tomorrow Ockie!” he waves, starting in the direction of the west ‘ You are the song that I'll always sing ’ with shaking limbs and an aching heart i smile, genuine and soft at my dearest……friend ‘ You are the light that the fire will bring ’ i wave back “until tomorrow, Jedediah” i say before heading to rome
‘ But I can't shake this feeling that I was only pushing the spear into your side again ’. How long will this last? We spent years fighting only to become friends under the watchful night guards rule. And what of this infatuation with him? Will he be disgusted? Rekindle the fire of a burnt out hatred for one another? Did i ever really hate him to begin with?
“General! Are you alright?” ringing, no a voice rings, its one of my soldiers. I quickly roll my shoulders back, trying to stabilize my stance which feels more like im in a car with an unsupervised Jedediah than standing on the cold marble of rome “yes, i am quite fine, do not worry yourself” my voice shakes but i look at him, perhaps desperately, and he turns the other way
‘ See, my birds of a kind, they more and more are looking like. Centurions than any little messiah ’ any one of my soldiers could easily replace me, one roman for another, being a general is not why i stand tall on that podium and i know it. They dont know why they listen to me, when they could find someone and throw me out, ringing me useless. But i know my name, and that is the reason why.
‘ And as I prune my feathers like leaves from a vine. I find that we have fewer and fewer in kind, but.. ’ i tried, i really did. To be who they wanted me to be, but here i got a second chance, and i found that i had become who they wanted me to be but not who i wanted to be, i tried to become friends, but i did not know better.
“Octavius” they do not know her voice, we do. It did not take much, talk and act like you belong, and people assume you do. Her hand rests on my shoulder, my eyes do not meet hers, i know i will shatter if i do. “What troubles you?” where do i start? The ringing of bells? The pounding of drums? The….oh dear gods
A stinging burns my eyes, tears fall to the ground in silence ‘ My palms and fingers still reek of gasoline, from throwing fuel to the fire of that Greco-Roman dream ’ she notices, it does not matter if my broken state is silent or not, she notices all the same “My palms and fingers still reek of gasoline, from throwing fuel to the fire of that Greco-Roman dream”
The scent of smoke and decay fills my mind, the ash from the fires, the pain in my heart returns again, selfish is it not? ‘ Purifying the holy rock to melt the gilded seams
It don't bring me relief, no it don't bring me nothing ’. Grounding me is her hands clasping my left, i already pushed out one of those damned bells, a soft smile aids me to go on.
“You do realize that he does not care if you were a general, something more or less, he knows you as his closest companion” words, usually calming does not stop the pounding in my chest “that…It doesn't bring me relief, no it don't bring me nothing” my eyes shut tightly, i know what he is to me.
“He is the song that I'll always sing, he is the light that the fire would bring, but I can't shake this feeling that I am only pushing the spear into his side again, and again, and again” breathing becomes harder, from smoke or regret i am not sure. For reasons unknown she’s still by my side, even when i have crumbled to the ground, she sits kindly beside the rubble.
‘ When he comes a knocking at my door, what am I to do, What am I to do, oh lord. When the cold wind rolls in from the north, What am I to do, What am I to do, oh lord ’ Before she can give me any more pity, i cry out, i have to. I am not a general, i am not Octavius or an, i am not augustus, my state will bring nothing “When he comes a knocking at my door, What am I to do, what am I to do, oh lord. When the cold wind rolls in from the north, What am I to do, what am I to do, oh lord…”
As if Aquilo himself heard me a gust of chilled wind come forth, i have to shake the thoughts of that fire, those horrible thoughts betwix this life and the last. The thoughts of Jedediah, brave as he is trying to save everyone like he always does but in doing so forgets to save him. A soft humming can be heard, its one ive heard many times before
‘ When he comes a knocking at my door, What am I to do, what am I to do, oh lord, When the cold wind rolls in form the north, What am I to do, what am I to do, oh lord ’ it soothes all manner of the war in my head, i am not him, i am only a copy. But i have a life here, friends, family….. love.
Yes, love….i shall not be alone again, empire be damned. A soft smile forms on my face, how absurd i have been, of course i wont be alone. Not again.