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Dokja Ahjussi will be back any day now, the others say.
I want to believe them so badly. Ahjussi came back all those other times--so why should it be any different now? He promised he would come back. Sometimes I really don’t know why he does the things he does.
I’m sure there was some other way for him to save us without him sacrificing himself again. He didn’t have to jump off of that building into that scary monster’s mouth. He didn’t have to smile at us, and say there was no other choice, because I know there was.
Does he want to make us hurt? Does he want us to feel pain? Maybe this pain is because of something I did. Is this because of who I killed when the scenarios started? It probably would’ve been better if I died instead.
On my 12th birthday, Dokja Ahjussi was not there.
On my 13th birthday, Dokja Ahjussi was not there.
On my 14th birthday, Dokja Ahjussi was not there.
Lee Gilyoung was there. He hugged me when I cried. We flipped a coin and it landed on heads, which meant that Ahjussi would come back. I had gotten frustrated, for some reason. I threw the coin out the window of the Industrial Complex. I remember hearing it clatter against the pavement. When Gilyoung and I went to retrieve it, the coin was stuck between one of the cracks on the sidewalk, neither heads nor tails.
It was chipped in the corner. It also had a large, very faint scratch across it--one that you could only vaguely see when holding it up to the light.
Then, Lee Jihye had found us. She was yelling and said that the others were so concerned; they didn’t know where we had went. She finally calmed down after seeing my tear-streaked face and the coin we hadn’t flipped in a long time. She led Gilyoung and I inside, and gave us an extra cupcake, provided we didn’t tell Yoo Joonghyuk. It sounded like a fair plan, and the night of my 14th birthday, I was actually able to sleep without having a single nightmare.
When I woke up the next morning, Dokja Ahjussi was not there.
Because I’m his incarnation, I should be able to understand him better than the others. Everyone else expects me to know more things about him, but I don’t know anything. I don’t think anyone truly understands him. He’s very secretive, you know. He hides things. He lies. Dokja Ahjussi lies a lot, and I can usually tell when he is lying. But I don’t tell him that, because he’s probably lying for a reason.
Back when he was still here, I would occasionally see Ahjussi by himself, lost in thought. Sometimes he would be staring out a window at the constellations, or sitting on a chair in a posture that looked uncomfortable. He would mutter stuff to himself that I couldn’t properly hear. Then, when he noticed me, his expression would shift. He would grin and ask if there was something wrong, if there was anything I needed. He would come over and pat my head.
I would cling to him, unsure of what to say, while knowing that he was hurting.
Why is Ahjussi sad? I tend to ask myself. He never talks about his childhood. Did something bad happen when he was a boy?
It feels weird to think of Ahjussi as a little boy, as someone around my age. Was his personality different then? Did he like school? Did he have friends? Did he have a dog, like me, or a cat, or any pet at all? Did he always argue with another kid over whether animals were better, or insects?
Speaking of that, I don’t hate Lee Gilyoung at all. I don’t think he hates me either. The majority of our fights were about who Ahjussi liked better.
We fight less now that he is gone.
No--away. He isn’t gone, he’s just away.
It’s weird, but my life before the scenarios started is all blurry. I don’t remember anything that happened anymore; I just remember that it was difficult. The scenarios are difficult too, but at least I had Dokja Ahjussi. No--have. I still have him. He’s just away. He promised he would come back.
I want him to be here. I want to hear him arguing with Sooyoung Unnie, and trying to reason with Joonghyuk Ahjussi. I want to see him smiling as he stares at his phone. I want him to hug me again, and tell me that we’ll pass this scenario, we’ll survive, we’ll make it to the end of the story.
I want him to come back.
I want him to come back.
I want him to come back.