Chapter Text
The world is a lonely place, you're on your own
Guess I will go home, sit down and mourn
Crying and thinking is all that I do
Memories I have remind me of you
You just left when I begged you to stay< /> I've not stopped crying since you went away
You went away, you went away
The world is a lonely place, you're on your own
Guess I will go home, sit down and mourn
Crying and thinking is all that I do
Memories I have remind me of you
Of you, of you... ~
Crowley's POV
I've had the same feeling ever since his words crossed my mind
"I forgive you"
A feeling... that if you ask me I'm not quite sure still has a name
I barely have any idea how long I've been behind the wheel but I know that when I stop, everything that happened will come back to me ten thousand times worse than it was
We. our side. Heaven. Metatron. The angels. Come with me. Tell me what you said!?.
AAagh! — Why couldn't you just say no!!?
It was so easy for you to say yes to heaven but no to me...?
I raised my forehead that I had glued to the steering wheel, the sky shudders at my misery or was it that I hit the horn too hard that scared away everyone crossing the street.
/////////////////
His wet lips
His sighing
His begin
His mortified gaze
Almost as if I had committed the original sin myself, condemning humanity in turn.
I thought I could sleep for an eternity in the Bentley, if I pushed my luck but I only woke up surrounded by my companions, who were already starting to have spots but... the truth is that I'm not in the mood for reprimands. I have enough on my own, they're tired as their owner
Who cares!! — I was never enough, if I'm honest I always had the desire to disappoint everyone:
Hell
Heaven
God
Aziraph —
Whatever...six centuries, six and I never asked him if he was ever comfortable with me or if he was just looking for glimpses of the person I was when we met at the beginning of creation. I don't know what I regret more, not being who I was anymore or what we had.
The laughs we shared at the Ritz, the midday walks in the park with ducks and all, or the decades where no matter what we were always there for each other.
I barely had solitude in my thoughts, I had less and less of him in my memory, even less in my heart, the very thought of him made me sweat bullets.
What the hell are you looking at? I asked myself, looking in the rearview mirror, as if I didn't already know the answer.
A fool
Until... I realized that what I saw on my skin wasn't sweat, there were tears..?
Ohh For the love of Satan!!, Not now!!!
It's time to put on my glasses and do what I do best, tempt mankind.
//////////
Since then I have been wandering, whether it be from London Bridge to the worst toilet in Scotland.
Not even the sunrise in St. James Park is the same, I keep glancing at humanity every now and then.... I'll never be able to understand them, I laugh to myself although it's strange, I didn't think I'd ever do it again ... Alone.
The sight of so much life is almost unbearable for me these days.
At 11 in the morning, in my stupor I feel the bitter taste of last night's aftermath I could barely stand up, but drinking is always a good way to kill time between now and the next apocalypse, I made a few temptations and filled the entire park with homeless people there's plenty of room for them anyway, the police can barely handle them.
Strangely, they were kind enough to cover me with a blanket after I collapsed on the bench. All was quiet until I recognized the evil being that has been watching me for the last hour.
To what do I owe the pleasure Shax?, what news does the new regent of hell and her dark minions bring to me.
Is good to see you too Crowley ~
"Well..I heard some varmint was causing trouble up here and that he wasn't one of my "dark minions" as you say ."
(Ahhh here we go..)
You know — since I rule hell, I thought about hunting You down by every demon on the globe, but now seeing you like this I guess that You have enough punishment.
I swallowed trying to hold back all my emotions, this is her game and I'm not willing to lose it.
"Tell me, was it worth it, After turning heaven and hell upside down?"
Hmph!, I chuckle— Come on!, you didn't come to remind me of my greatest hits, if you have something to say, do so I'm dying to know what is.
Right, does your little friend know about the places you've been lately?
(Well, I wasn't expecting that!1 — anyway It doesn't count.)
He left, we are not friends anymore.
(Can I sound more defeated!?)
What a shame it could be because you're a demon and he's an angel?...seriously since the rumors started a few centuries ago, I didn't think you really had something real with him.
You should know by now that we'll never be enough for them, Crowley.
(And now you tell me that !, Fast change they topic)
~ For old time's sake, I'll just say it one more time, what do you want, Shax?
"I came to tell you that you can have your department back, it's depressing enough without you likewise, just keep doing what you do best."
"By the way, Hastur sends his
greetings and says to watch your back"
I said it to Belzebub and I said it to you! !— I'd rather wander in the Judean desert ( again) than go back to that burning abyss. ( that came out more like a hiss than anything else)
Calm down, I'm not asking you to work for hell again crowley.
Tell me are you ready to live the next decades from a silent corner without even the sole company of a nightingale song?
(I admit I didn't even want to think about that scenario, at least not when he wound is still fresh)
"Face it crowley!, (She sounds very tired to this point) it's not the first time you've been rejected but you can still regain the dignity you have left."
" Aren't you tired of denying who you are?"
"It's not worth it to yearn for something that you will never be and was never meant for you, embrace that mess that drives you to destroy and erase all light from the darkness."
"It will suit you better" (says in a strange heartwarming way)
And the prize for the most resigned answer will be for whom?
The best I could say was " Do you think so...", six thousand years and I still let myself be cornered by these clowns.
She is just limited to smiling at me, that surely means trouble.
"Just think about it...i mean like you have another thing to lose"
////////////
I've been busy lately, since blessing overdoses in drug dens to inciting a man to jump from the River Thames but I couldn't help it, eventually i call the officers to dissuade the man from jumping or the poor lad that i have to save from drowning in his own vomit in a dark alley.
The scene is far from Nina's cozy coffee shop. I used to give her tips along with my best wishes with Maggie... I can barely stand there without recognizing, anyway.
It's all new to me in summary,new temptations without an angel perching on my shoulder with compassive eyes.
Still, the poor guy I saved unfortunately won't get his next fix, I have to win something in the end, right?
///////////////////
I barely feel the tickling under my skin and beneath my eyes, my hands remind me of the purulent sores on Belzebubb's face.
It's nothing serious or so I tell myself lately, anyway I welcomed the sensation.
Well, what should I do with you? ( Hi, cynicism is that you?, I turned to see the dirty alley, that Monday morning is so far away from how it used to be.
The Ritz. The books. The laughter. His curiosity...
No
I should stop, I have to focus on what I'm
doing.
I shake off the nostalgia and look at the tired woman next to me who rummages through her loot among other stuff she just stole, looks like someone will get their fix today ~ ✨.
At least she knows how to share cigarettes, I haven't felt this burn go down my throat in a while .... If I'm honest I always hated it because it reminded me of how suffocating hell was, a bit of burning ash fell on my fingers and well — Why waste the moment?
I pressed the cigarette butt on the back of my hand, what for a human would end up in a scar for me is barely noticeable, I just wanted to feel that flame inside me again.
"Thanks for distracting the cashier for me, he must have been scared to death by whatever you showed him" says the future protagonist of shoplifters at war with the law.
(Shoplifters ~ always as funny as they are greedy, if I remember correctly almost the existence of hell remains because of them along with the addicts.)
Sure, my pleasure. Do you want to do it again? I answer without much enthusiasm, although I'm anxious to know how long I can go on like this!
— Till I rock bottom
////////
By the weekend the thrill of causing all kinds of destruction had me erratic, like a madman controlling the madhouse, it became all too liberating disabling security systems in banks, persuading opportunists to steal cars by failing miserably, whispering to hotel extortionists to post videos of their guests as the next cast of "schindler's fist", getting the youth of tomorrow to slice their faces like hams to inciting the primitive instinct to mate like rabbits in makeshift basement raves and how I could forget the muscle maniac fans of "pumping iron", a pair of whispers about glory and masculinity and they want more steroids. ~ Ahh well
I slowly thought less and less about what happened a year ago and even stopped coming up with plans of rescue for Aziraphale. He knew I liked rescuing him every time. ...but that doesn't matter anymore.
But bloody hell!- I want to see him, either to pour my fury and the biggest "I told you so" ever in history or ....just to feel his warm touch one more time.
///////
This last year i made myself of some fame among the insidious minds of the city (not for the first time I must admit), but that brought me nothing but trouble as I had to cross paths with prudish demons trying to make my work much more tedious, rejoicing before the wonderful Crowley, the most perverse demon that betrayed heaven and hell alike, corrupter of the masses and all that kind of nonsense that I guess Shax tells them at bedtime...I should be known rather as the demon who dared to make an angel cry (and what surprise! It turned out to be now the new ruler of super bloody heaven!!)
But for today I just want to walk around the neighborhood, where people are crowding to get some food. These are hard times, I turn towards the ruins of a construction site.
"It's good to see you, Crowley."
Apparently I have one more hellish admirer..
Although, I didn't expect to hear that rickety voice in whatever it is I have if you can call it a life , apparently I was wrong until that sulfurous smell along with those venomous words ... I would recognize it anywhere , He who wherever he passes withers everything in his path and the virgins weep.
I can't say the same thing, HAstur!
(At this point I pressed my jaw so hard that I would have lacked molars to break it.)
The very spiteful one came to claim his old Vendetta well.... It's not the first time he's been on my heels.
"God wasn't wrong with us, for kicking us out of heaven Crowley."
Oh hell no! (He wants to lecture me again like a preacher, here we go...)
"But from the beginning you were already corrupted inside and you always knew it, that's why you had so many doubts about God's creation.
Ahh! but you tried to contradict hell, really all this time you thought you could obtain divine forgiveness and return to heaven, just like that ...he was just that for you, a stairway to heaven?"
"Tss tss tss tss -but look where it's gotten you.
(The bastard and his mockery, an anxious smile escaped out of me because I really could not believe such sudden theological analysis.)
Really..?, you have no idea what you're talking about, seriously, you're no good at giving lessons, it doesn't suit you —
It is well known that I despise heaven and that anyone up there can burn for eternity as far as I am concerned.... But don't get confused, I could never come up with a plan as clumsy as the one you describe.
"Well then Crowley, the only conclusion that you leave me , is that the gossips were true and that you really thought an angel would be willing to accept a demon!
"Let me tell you what a shame"
"He turned you down didn't he ?"
( He's really fucking laughing his ass off., You're going to tell me that all of sudden the demonic beings know a lot about the idiosyncrasies of angels?!)
( I was really the only blind ..?, What Insufferable sod i am)
"Well we're ...six centuries of turning back to your own kind like the traitorous viper you are."
"But what angers me the most, as you can't imagine is knowing that the person who dissolved my best friend in holy water until he was unrecognizable, is a sad coward who spent his time trying to be nice~ to impress a bloody winged fa-"
— Okay , (I'm done. I'm so dead and gone!!)
— SHUT IT!!
My glasses flew off and I went straight for his jugular, grabbed him by the neck to pin him against the nearest wall savoring the satisfaction of hearing the sound of his neck cracking.
His eyes remained unperturbed with that sickly smile hanging side to side on his face.
Nice is a word that fools use to justify their evil deeds in the name of an idyllic inexistent greater good"
Don't you dare..Don't You dare to call me that!!
—¡Again!!
(I felt the viper in me taking the wheel, pushing the white sclera of my eyes into something more animalistic)
You wanted to see how deeply evil I am!!?, well here you have it, Mate!!
( His laughter echoed everywhere like the squawk of a vulture. )
"Excellent!"
"Wonderful!
" Crowley let it go..embrace this moment, Embrace what you truly are. Remember we are the fallen."
( that nasty nasty smile could be more wider)
" You know I've been itching to pay a visit to a distinguished bookstore in SoHo, to see if the angels burn at the same temperature as the paper in those books"
As all the images of a carnage flashed through all my being, where all good nature vanished from me, it was interrupted by an image.
(Muriel, that feathered naive crossed my mind instantly, it's been a year since I last set foot there.
"Take your pick Crowley, Will you do it or I will?"
Everything stopped for a moment, it doesn't matter what, I can't leave and he neither—well.. if this is the end I'll bite the bullet, gone with style.
//////////
I don't even know how— but I crawled into my cold bloody apartment during the night, at what point everything went dark?
I close the door behind me, finally~
What a mess.
I reached for a bottle of liquor the fastest I could but in the process I was limping and shaking like a leaf in a blizzard.
Great!
I take a brave gulp and I sit on the floor painfully slowly, probably with one or two broken fingers and the burn stings raw all over my chest, at least the sigil worked for now... If I think about it too much, disincorporation is not the worst thing that could happen.
I admit It, I have crossed my limits these past few months but burn the bookstore!? — Even if Aziraphale never returns, I can't allow it.
I simply can't, along with all the good memories, We had there ...I don't want to erase it.
I was better with Aziraphale at my side though... not as a demon but it was the better part of my life.
The thought makes me laugh, being hate it and despise is not new for any demon especially not for me and my grudges with heaven like my ambivalence with hell, but... — yes
Is very lonely
Aziraphale made all that path more pleasant, I'm grateful for that ~
So I'm in debt with him that's why i am here bleeding, that's why I'm not rescuing him this time
He made a choice, he has to be free
I have to let him go and do what he was meant to do, do the right thing.
An irredeemable demon like me, can stop "the great plan" but not this.
Hastur get all wrong
I have the self respect to know that heaven and hell never were places for me. I didn't fit either, I just did what I could on my terms.
So what!?
They don't define what I want or need. If that were true, how could God let me be on my two feet till this moment?
I never ask to be a Demon
I never ask for forgiveness
Yes...is very lonely but I don't regret anything
I wanted some answers in the beginning but with time...I ended up seeing blood, destruction, chaos. The idea of the annihilation of everything was appealing to me at first, even though I helped create all of this universe.
But now ... "what my little nasty heart desires", is something that I can't ever have.
He doesn't know how I longed to know if he is destroyed as much as I am, will he finally feel disgust for what I am?, He finally sees me for what I always was, an irredeemable bastard of an opportunistic demon that results, he loves him.
An horrific revelation for any friend
Ran away together, ha!, what I was thinking.
Congratulations!
All those years he was with me not out of friendship but to reform me.
A wipe from my face, a single tear slipping from my left eye, that ominous moisture again.
Searched through my best hits — poor Freddie and Lou Reed, they can't help me now...
Once the music plays; I find something to set the mood — courtesy from my friend with the disposable syringe. Just a twinge and I'll be asleep till the next decade.
It will all be over for everyone at Armageddon and well... at least I won't have to watch it.
The liquid already running through each of my exhausted veins, I lie back on the bed, close my eyes.
Now, I just have to let it go.
It's funny he always forgave me even knowing that I am incapable of receiving such a thing.
For going too fast, for believing in our side or for believing that things would last forever, for a long time he was the only constant in my entire existence, he knew me better than anyone and yet, he dared to say yes...
It's too late
It's always to late even for — "Us"