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Xie Lian has a hard time saying the words ‘I love you.’
It didn’t used to be so hard. He would constantly tell his mother and father. He told Feng Xin and Mu Qing, they were his best friends.
But that was before the fall of Xianle. Xie Lian had lost everything but still had the people he loved most… Then they left, taking parts of Xie Lian’s heart with them. The immense despair had engulfed him. It was indeed too much to bear, all his loved ones gone.
It was as if he was trapped in an ocean. Every trial was a rock tied to his foot, pulling him into the cold, dark waves. His loved ones held him up, keeping him afloat, but once they started to leave, Xie Lian would sink faster until he drowned.
Xie Lian honestly thought he’d never love again… until Hua Cheng. It took a while for Xie Lian to come to terms with it, but it all made sense when he did. It was as natural as breathing, falling in love with Hua Cheng. Xie Lian had forgotten how easy it was to feel happiness, forgotten the feeling of love. But the only problem is that Xie Lian couldn’t say those three words: I love you. The three words that he wanted to say so badly! But he simply couldn’t. The fear of losing Hua Cheng forever was always with him.
He didn’t know why he couldn’t say it. Maybe because his luck was so bad that anyone he said those three words to he would lose. Perhaps it was because he was cursed never to speak them! Xie Lian couldn’t think of a rational reason why he couldn’t!
But for the time being, he could convey to Hua Cheng his love through his actions.
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1
One of the first things Xie Lian did when he met Hua Cheng was he had done his hair. To be fair, it was one of his tests to see if Hua Cheng was a ghost, but nonetheless. Xie Lian loved doing Hua Cheng’s hair.
Mu Qing mostly did Xie Lian’s hair back when he was the prince of Xinale, but when he was a very young boy, Xie Lian’s mother often braided his hair. They would sit under the bonsai in the courtyard as she threaded her fingers through his soft, dark brown locks. She would always sing softly as she did the task. Once, Xie Lian had asked his mother how to braid so he could return the favor. He spent the entire afternoon trying to braid his mother’s hair, but it never looked quite right.
“There there, tiánxīn, it’s okay; just because it’s broken doesn’t mean it’s any less loved.”
His mother often told him when he made a mistake or couldn’t get something perfect. He didn’t understand what it meant then, but it always comforted him.
In the present time, whenever Xie Lian and Hua Cheng were relaxing, Xie Lian would braid his hair. His braiding skills have improved, especially given all the practice he’d been doing recently. Sometimes, Xie Lian would weave flowers or silver ornaments into Hua Cheng’s braids. He often would sing the same songs his mother had sung during their hair-braiding sessions.
Hua Cheng noted Xie Lian’s eagerness to braid his hair.
“Gege, why do you always braid this San Lang’s hair?”
Xie Lian smiled and dropped a kiss on his forehead.
“Because I want to make my San Lang look even more beautiful!”
Hua Cheng smiled and hummed, letting Xie Lian know he understood as Xie Lian continued weaving the soft strands to form something beautiful.
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2
Xie Lian knew his cooking wasn’t the best. Countless people told him his food was so bad it would kill a mortal. Some politely said he should stay away from the kitchen: everyone but Hua Cheng. He always finished Xie Lian’s cooking with a smile and praise. It made Xie Lian feel cherished.
Xie Lian would wake up every morning in Paradise Manor wrapped in the arms of his beloved and surrounded by plush pillows and blankets. They would exchange morning kisses and mumble sweet nothings into each other’s lips. After begrudgingly getting out of bed and dressing for the day ahead, Xie Lian would prepare Zhao shi.
Hua Cheng had once told him that he wasn’t fed much as a child, let alone a meal made with the care that Xie Lian put into his. Since the confession, it became one of Xie Lian’s primary goals to ensure his husband was well fed.
He would put all his love into the meals he made for his beloved. He wanted him to feel cared for and know he would never go hungry again.
The meals could have been better. The congee was too watery, the wontons misshapen, the mantous undercooked; he couldn’t get it right. But Hua Cheng always ate the meals, exclaiming they were the best he had ever tasted. So Xie Lian might not be the best cook. But that won’t stop him from cooking for his beloved.
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3
Sometimes, Hua Cheng had nightmares.
They were mainly of Xie Lian on the alter. He would be that little ghost fire again and witness his beloved get stabbed over and over. His God’s anguished screams echoing, his sobs heartbreaking. He would wake in a panic, eyes wide and shaking, checking to ensure Xie Lian was safe as he spat nasty words about himself.
“I couldn’t do anything! I just watched as you suffered, and I couldn’t help. I couldn’t ease your pain. I was useless, weak.”
His self-hatred was always so strong those nights.
Xie Lian would first calm Hua Cheng down by ensuring he was safe and everything was okay. The past leaves scars; over time, they heal, but they’re still there. A reminder of the pain and that what’s done is done. They get smaller and faded, but they’re never gone; it’s something that you have to live with and grow from.
Hua Cheng was one of the strongest people he knew, but even the strongest people still had times of weakness.
“Shh, San Lang, it’s okay. I’m right here. I’m okay. Nothing is hurting me. Oh, beloved, please feel peace. It’s alright,”
After Hua Cheng had calmed down, Xie Lian would kiss his forehead, eyelids, cheeks, nose, and lips. He would look his San Lang straight in the eye.
“San Lang, I know that night was hard for you. It was hard for both of us, but never say you are worthless. You were the only person who believed in me at that time. You are the strongest. I know that sometimes it’s hard to believe that stuff.”
Xie Lian kept telling Hua Cheng that until he admitted that he wasn’t worthless and strong. Some nights, it took them until morning. Other nights, it never happened.
But Xie Lian was always there, always comforting Hua Cheng. Just like Hua Cheng was always there for Xie Lian, he was always there for Hua Cheng.
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4
Xie Lian didn’t know much of Hua Cheng’s past. He could tell that Hua Cheng was not treated as he should have been as a child. It broke his heart, and the fact that he probably didn’t understand half of it broke it even more. Hua Cheng didn’t discuss it, and Xie Lian wouldn’t push. He knew it was a sensitive topic.
But on the rare occasions that Hua Cheng did talk about his past, Xie Lian would listen. He never interrupted, saving his questions or comments after Hua Cheng had finished. Even when Hua Cheng did share, it was often about his mother. His mother was the only one who was truly good to little Hong Hong-er, and Xie Lian knew that Hua Cheng did love his mother.
When Hua Cheng did tell him the bad and the ugly, he would still listen even though it filled him with rage about how people treated that precious little child. Sometimes, it would make him cry, just how badly his beloved was treated. Hua Cheng would try to comfort him when he started crying, saying things like ‘Gege, it’s fine,’ ‘It’s in the past,’ and ‘It doesn’t matter.’ But Xie Lian knew he knew. It did matter.
So whenever Hua Cheng shared, Xie Lian would listen. One of the most comforting things anyone can do is listen. Xie Lian wanted him to know that he was hearing him and that he cared. He would soak up every word and keep it in his brain, forever remembering it.
Hua Cheng said he remembered every word that Xie Lian said; Xie Lian wanted to do the same. Hua Cheng was an excellent listener, which always warmed his heart. So, he would be an excellent listener for Hua Cheng.
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+1
When it happened, it was a surprise to them both. It was a lazy morning; they held and basked in each other’s closeness. It was so perfect Xie Lian’s heart was bursting. He felt warm all over as if laying in liquid gold, shining and shimmering. He felt like crying from how amazing it felt.
He felt his cheeks get wet and realized he was indeed crying!
“Gege, what’s wrong?”
Hua Cheng was shocked at the sudden burst of emotions from his beloved. Xie Lian looked at him, tears wetting Hua Cheng’s bare shoulder.
“Oh, San Lang, I just feel so happy. You make me feel so treasured. I never thought I would get to have this.”
Hua Cheng smiled warmly at him as he thumbed his tears away. He pulled Xie Lian impossibly closer and squeezed him tight.
“Oh, Gege, I constantly feel like I’m dreaming. I never thought I would get anything like this. You are my light, my world.”
Xie Lian sighed and smiled. Everything just felt so right; he loved Hua Cheng so much. It was overwhelming how much he loved him. A dam broke in Xie Lian; his love was overflowing.
“I love you.”
They both froze. Xie Lian’s eyes widened; he had said it. He said ‘I love you’. Now that those words were out, Xie Lian would never return them. He would sing them to the heavens and shout them from the mountains.
“I love you! Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you. San Lang, I love you so much; I’ve wanted to tell you for so long.”
Both of them were crying now. Laughing at their state, the two immortals hugged each other so tight it was bone-crushing. Xie Lian peppered kisses wherever he could reach. Hua Cheng chuckled wetly.
“Oh, Gege, I know. I know you love me. You tell me every day. You tell me in the morning when you smile at me; you tell me when you kiss my ashes when we’re apart; you tell me when you light up whenever you see me; you tell me with every fiber of your being. Oh, beloved words cannot describe how much I love you.”
From then on, the first words that came out of Xie Lian’s mouth when he woke up were ‘I love you’; the first thing he said when he saw Hua Cheng after being reunited after a day’s work was ‘I love you,’ any time, anywhere Xie Lian would say it, say those three words. Those precious, beautiful three words.