Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Itoshi Rin.

Diary Entry #1

The Day Sae Left me Behind to Die.

They say that family is one of the strongest bonds you will ever have in the world. “Nothing” could ever break it. That’s what they all say. They’re all just saying these stupid fucking lies. And it baffles me how people believe that half-assed piece of shit lie. Why believe something that isn’t true? Isn’t that right, big brother? You left me behind. You left me again. Why? We had a fucking dream together, we both vowed to fulfill it. What the hell happened to that? One day you return home after I haven’t seen you in over a year, and say that you want to be the best midfielder instead? What about me, haven’t you thought about me? We were supposed to become the best strikers, together. Why would you fucking say that if you were going to leave me again? You already left once to go to Spain, now you’re leaving again just as you got back from that shittyass place? Big brother, what the hell happened in Spain for you to turn out that way. I- I just don’t fucking get it, you were supposed to be like you were before- an actual good older brother who would never lie to his younger brother. Where did that older brother go? Down the fucking drain that is, I hate how you let go of our dream so fucking easily. It doesn’t just make me mad- it fucking hurts you know? It hurts like you took a thousand arrows and stabbed them straight into my heart. I’m not just a little bitch that gets pushed around like a toy. I wasn’t playing soccer with you just to be used for your success and advantage, I did it because I wanted to stick by your side. No matter what, I’d always be beside you. And we made a promise that we’d become the best strikers together- fuck, I just don’t get what happened when you went to Spain, you were supposed to return with even better skills, and an even better chance at becoming the best striker with me. But the exact opposite fucking happened, sure, you did get better. A lot better in fact. I hate to admit it, but you really did. But the thing that did change was the fact that you just simply gave up on being the best striker with me and fulfilling both our dreams. Am I really just not good enough, big brother? Am I not enough for you? Was I really just used for your advantage and your advantage only? Fucking tell me the truth so I can get over this. But, the thing I realize is that dreams are just, well. Dreams. It’ll take many things to achieve that singular dream, and some dreams just stay dreams, and they’ll later be forgotten. Everything about dreaming is childish. Relying on you? Childish. You really don’t seem to see me as your brother anymore. I’m just an obstacle and a little nuisance in your life, correct? I don’t fucking get why I’m still feeling this way- it makes absolutely no sense. You were supposed to be the light, and I was the shadow. I was supposed to be the shadow to your light, but you outshone me. You shined so bright that you absolutely devoured the leftover shadow. You left me behind, and it’s time I leave you behind as well. We’ll go our own paths. We no longer know each other as family, nor brothers. But only people we used to know, Sae.

End.

Chapter Text

Itoshi Sae.

Diary Entry #1

The Day I left Rin behind.

Rin. This was for your own good, and you know that. I know that you wanted to become the best striker alongside me, but I can’t fulfill that dream with you anymore. I know we had a promise, but I can’t continue on with this dream. I learned in Spain that there were people that were better than me, and there was just no way that I would become the best striker. Even if I trained as hard as I fucking could, there just isn’t any possible way that I could ever become the best. It’s not possible, it probably never will be. Although, I once did believe that it was indeed possible. I actually had a chance to prove myself worthy of becoming the best striker. But looking back, I was naive. I had too much faith in myself, and I was way too full of it, and it drove me nuts. I went to Spain to see how they played, and how I could become a striker. And, it kind of sucks when you realize you aren’t as good as the other people that you see. You feel hopeless, and nothing could ever fix that feeling of guilt and awfulness. It really didn’t help when I realized that we shared a dream. That just made me realize how much that weighed me down. How much the expectations of me becoming the best striker were too much for me to handle. And I really hate to say it like that, but it’s just the truth. I thought it was worthless to try and become the best striker, even if I was supposed to be the number one striker, or at least strive to become that, I just never thought I could do it. It was like I was doing it because of the pure pressure of people thinking about what I would be like if I didn’t become a striker. Which led me into believing that everyone is an obstacle in my life, and I have to overcome them before they get even worse. You are one of them, Rin. You are one of my obstacles in life, and I have to get through you. Or else, I’ll never get anywhere. Listen to me. You have so much fucking potential. And I know it, and I know you do too. But, you’re too clingy to me. And that’s a bad thing, because in order to become the best striker, you have to rely on yourself, and on yourself only, nobody or nothing else. All this attachment to me is just weighing you down, and I don’t want that. You have to let me go at some point. And I suggest you do it soon, because if you keep trying to cling onto me, you’re not qualified to become a striker. I’m sorry Rin. Become the striker that I could never be.

End.

Chapter Text

After being finished with yet another boring football match at Blue Lock, Rin had some free time leftover after he finished taking a shower, though he didn’t know why he did, after all he didn’t even break a sweat. Was this thing like a joke? He was bored, so he thought of what to do. Rin’s eyes scattered around the room, before finally eyeing his diary and pen. He shrugged, and he went to write in it. He took a deep breath and sighed, he was welcomed with pictures of him and Sae as children. Big brother.. he thought, his gaze softening. No. I can’t get all nostalgic and soft now. He left me behind, he used me like a toy. He pushed the thoughts away, and with the short amount of time he had, he began to write. 

Itoshi Rin.

Diary Entry #2.

I miss you.

Rin crosses it out.

I hate you.

Well? How is it like being a shitty older brother, Sae? Oh, right, I can’t even consider you as my older brother. You don’t have the qualities of being one, and even if you did there’s no way you would’ve been a good one.  You know, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you. I do. I really fucking do. And if I said that I didn’t care about not continuing with our dream, I’d be lying as well. I really did care about our dream, that’s the reason why I worked so hard to get to your level. That’s why I’m so mad at you because you treated this like a complete fucking joke. What was the point of treating me like your precious treasured little brother. Why go through all that trouble, huh? There’s a feeling inside me that made me think that you actually did and still do care about me. But, that probably is a lie, there’s no way you ever cared about me. It would take an eternity to convince me to believe that you . You out of all people cared about me. I’d be shocked if you did, honestly. But you shouldn’t have wasted your time on somebody like me, I just dragged you down. I wasn’t your shadow at all. All I was was a chain that was weighing you down, that was just pulling you down to failure. I’ll admit that. But, I just have a question for you. Did you ever give a shit about me in your life? Did you ever fucking care about me? And if you did, you better fucking prove it you little shit. Do it before it’s too late. Moving on. I entered this place called Blue Lock. It’s kind of boring, you know, without people like you that actually make me feel something when I’m playing football. I was hoping that there was somebody who would at least surprise me, but for right now there’s nobody. It’ll either stay that way, or not. If it does, then I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m the number one best football player here. If it doesn’t, then I’ll be surprised. Not as surprised as when you left me though. Can’t things go back to how they used to be, big brother? I miss you.

End.

Rin sighs. He finished writing just in time. He crawled onto his bed, but he didn’t fall asleep. Instead, he just looked up at the ceiling, wondering what could’ve happened if Sae never went to Spain? What if he stayed with Rin? Would none of this have happened? That’s up to interpretation, there are over a million ways this could’ve gone. He lay there for ten minutes, before ultimately deciding to go to sleep. The tears that he tried to hold back earlier came pouring out like rain. Rin cried himself to sleep.