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The thing about switching from a big university to a small community college is how it’s easier to get to know people. Everyone knows each other or are, at the very least, acquainted; it’s pretty simple to connect and network so to speak. It’s even easier to make friends and Sunoo has been lucky in that regard. On his first day, struggling to find which building and classroom he’s supposed to go, he’d quite literally bumped into Jungwon who realized he was a new face and then helped him get to where he needed to be—apparently the same class.
They’d been joined at the hip ever since, one of those automatic friendships that take no effort to form. He and Jungwon aren’t really similar personality-wise—their hobbies don’t even overlap in any way either—but they clicked and, as a result, Jungwon’s friends slowly became Sunoo’s friends, too.
They’re a pretty tight-knit group: there’s the freshman, Riki Nishimura and their seniors, super bros Jake Sim and Sunghoon Park. But there are also a couple of alumni who still drop by campus from time to time and for a very particular reason: Heeseung Lee is one and the other is Jungwon’s boyfriend, Jay Park.
Sunoo has only met Heeseung a handful of times but he and Jay have interacted a lot every time he drops by after school to pick Jungwon up. Sometimes, they take him with them to eat somewhere and Jay never lets him pay—the benefits of being a third wheel. But those times are rare and it’s all very superficial; Jay’s a doting boyfriend and even when there are other people around, whether that’s Sunoo or their other friends, his entire world tends to revolve around Jungwon only.
He seems like a nice guy, never mind he has tunnel vision when his boyfriend is in the vicinity but that’s just who he is. It’s none of Sunoo’s business anyway and, well, he’s not going to lie: it’s sort of cute whenever Jay babies Jungwon no matter where they are or who’s around them. It always leaves Sunoo thinking, me when? Their relationship is honestly so sweet, ideal, kind of well known around campus too since they’ve been together for a while. Except…
It looks like it’s on the cusp of ending.
He starts noticing the arguments, Jungwon stepping away from him every time he has to pick up a call from Jay but never far enough so that he still hears half of a conversation. It’s awkward and Sunoo doesn’t want to ask more than what Jungwon shares with him: how Jay won’t let him be, leave him alone, for just a day.
“Just a day, Sunoo-hyung,” Jungwon mutters, downtrodden. He’s been stressed about it for days and all Sunoo can do is listen. “We see each other every day. We’re always together. Sometimes there’s nothing to talk about because we’ve talked about it all! Why can’t we just take twenty four hours off away from each other? Or maybe just twelve! I can’t breathe.”
He’s not the only one who’s taken to listening to Jungwon’s frustrations about his relationship problems. There’s Jake and by extension, Sunghoon. And because Riki follows Sunghoon around like a puppy, he’s mostly there all the time as well. But the last two people are just distractions—it’s really Jake that Sunoo notices, how close he and Jungwon are becoming.
Eventually, the breakup does happen.
It’s during a college fair so there’s a lot of people, including many alumni, with booths, food, games, and everything in between. Sunoo had woken up late the second day and missed the show and he only knows what happened thanks to Sunghoon and Riki. Apparently, Jungwon had broken up with Jay the night before only for Jay to turn up earlier in the day with a big bouquet of flowers in an attempt to win him back.
It had escalated, Jungwon refusing to get back together, refusing the flowers, and Jay had become sort of physical. Nothing intentional or so Riki said—it kind of feels like a heat of the moment desperation—but Jay had grabbed Jungwon’s arm, wouldn’t let go, and Jake had gotten involved.
From there, it had taken Heeseung, Sunghoon, two professors, and several other students to pry Jay away from Jungwon as well as prevent him and Jake from getting into a fist fight.
When Sunoo finally catches up to an upset Jungwon a little while later, of course he’s with Jake who’s comforting him. He makes it about half an hour in their presence before he starts feeling kind of left out—Jake’s very focused on Jungwon and him alone—so Sunoo decides, with the whole Jay and Jungwon fiasco tainting the rest of the day and the overall mood of the fair, he’ll just go home. Maybe tomorrow, the last day of the fair, will be a little more cheerful.
He says his goodbyes, doesn’t find Sunghoon and Riki anywhere, and simply sends them a message as he heads to the bus stop. Sunoo hasn’t been there long before a familiar car pulls up by the sidewalk right in front of him. It’s playing music really loudly—inconsiderately, might he add—and he watches as the passenger side window rolls down.
It’s Jay.
“Can I talk to you?”
Sunoo hesitates a bit: Jay looks a little scary with his serious face on. But at the same time, he doesn’t have the heart to say no knowing this breakup must be hard for him. So even though he’s a little nervous and he’s never been alone with Jay before, Sunoo nods.
“Ok hyung,” he answers as Jay nods at the seat beside him.
“Get in.”
As soon as his seatbelt is secure, Jay pulls away from the curb and the way he drives, jerky and angry and fast, makes Sunoo’s stomach drop. It doesn’t help that his pulse is pounding in time with the bass of whatever song’s playing. Nerves worsening, Sunoo grips his seatbelt and turns to Jay.
“Hyung.”
His voice helps to take Jay out of whatever daze he’s in because he straightens in his seat, glancing at him for a few seconds, blinking. And then he turns back to the road with a sigh. Reaches for the car’s player and shuts it off at the same time he starts driving a little more calmly, the acceleration of the vehicle turning smoother.
“Sorry I—sorry.”
That’s all he says and Sunoo doesn’t say anything back, fiddling with the edges of his seatbelt, waiting for Jay to start talking because he has no idea where to begin or what to even start telling him. They don’t seem to have a destination and it takes a while of driving around, specifically when they stop at a red light, before Jay finally speaks.
It’s a question.
“Is he seeing someone else? Is it Jake?”
Sunoo hesitates again. Truth be told, he has no idea. Saying no will give Jay false hope and what if he’s wrong? But at the same time, answering with I don’t know opens Jungwon to suspicion and he doesn’t want to shine a bad light on his friend either, not without Sunoo knowing anything for sure. And that’s the thing—a thing that Jay realizes after almost an entire minute of silence from Sunoo.
“You don’t know, do you?”
Turning to him and making himself look as apologetic as possible, Sunoo tightens his hold on his seatbelt.
“I’m sorry, hyung. Yeah, I don’t know. I wish I could be a little more help…”
But Jay just sighs again, lifting a hand and waving it between them. Fortunately, it’s also the same time the light overhead turns green so he starts driving.
“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry. Tell me where to go—I’ll drive you home.”
And that’s that.
Sunoo provides directions and Jay drives him to his place but, after removing his seatbelt, before he climbs out of the car, Sunoo turns to him fully and reaches out. Actually gives Jay a hug. If there’s a good time to be giving hugs to people right now, it’s in these types of situations.
He would have hugged Jungwon too but… maybe he has Jake for that.
“I’m sorry about what happened, hyung,” he whispers, smiling wryly when he feels Jay tense up in his arms, hugging him back but only half heartedly. He even gives Sunoo’s shoulder several pats but then, when Sunoo doesn’t let go, when he keeps hugging him, eventually, Jay deflates. Sinks into the embrace.
“Thanks, Sunoo-yah.”
After a few seconds, they pull away from each other and Sunoo thinks Jay’s eyes are a little wet. He turns away before he can be sure, but the possibility of it, it makes Sunoo sad—so sad, in fact, that he makes an offer he doesn’t know he’ll regret later.
“I know we’re not really close friends, hyung. But if you need someone else to talk to just in case the ones you usually talk to about these things aren’t around, you can talk to me, ok? I can be one extra person for you.”
Jay’s hold on the steering wheel as he lifts his hands to grab it clenches and unclenches several times before he exhales slowly. And then he turns to Sunoo and those are definitely tears forming in his eyes. Jay nods at him and smiles but he doesn’t say anything else.
Sunoo thinks the reason Jay won’t say anything is because he’ll start crying if he tries to speak and, even then, if he needs a moment to cry, he can surely do that. But maybe he wants to without Sunoo around. He offers one last smile from his end before he’s finally stepping out of the car. Stands by the gate as Jay’s car peels off, fast again, playing music loudly again.
Poor guy.
But Sunoo’s sure Jay has friends he can turn to for times like these. Even if it’s not Jake, then the rest of them, even Heeseung.
He’s sure the older boy won’t need him.
Except he does.
Jay starts showing up at random the next few days to see him.
It’s not that Sunoo’s all too unwilling to be in his company either—Jungwon and Jake are always together now so he’s mostly been by himself just because he’d rather be on his own than feel left out when he’s with them—but then he isn’t sure how to navigate the situation with Jay. He asks about Jungwon a lot and Sunoo tries his best to update him with what he knows minus any Jake tidbits. They start having lunch together, sometimes dinner, and Jay always drives him home.
Again, Jay is a nice guy. Sunoo’s always known that he is but it’s never been more apparent now. So honestly?
Sunoo’s kind of rooting for him. He wants him and Jungwon to get back together except it doesn’t seem like that’s happening if the whispered conversations between Sunghoon and Riki are anything to go by. Still, Sunoo tries to keep a positive mindset. You never know, right?
For the meantime, he’ll keep entertaining Jay.
One Saturday afternoon, Sunoo arrives home and to his surprise Jay is in the living room with his mom. They’re going through some type of book.
“Hyung?”
Jay looks up, grinning, as he taps on whatever page is open on his lap.
“Hey Sunoo-yah! Your mom’s showing me your baby pictures.”
Gasping in shock, Sunoo glares at his mom who only laughs while he practically dives towards the couch, trying to get the photo album—not a book, after all—away from Jay.
“Hyung! Stop looking!”
But Jay just laughs as well, moving the album out of reach with one hand while manhandling Sunoo on his lap using the other.
“But you were so cute! You still have that baby face until now. I want to see the rest.”
Sunoo scowls at him but, again, all he gets is laughter from both Jay and his mom. Jay stays for dinner because his dad likes him too and asks him to join them—no one his parents don’t like gets asked to stay for a meal—and even Sunoo’s noona seems to feel the same. Maybe it’s because of how friendly Jay is: he talks a lot, makes his family laugh, and it feels like he’s known them forever.
It’s weird in this adorable kind of way.
But then, as Sunoo walks him out the door and to the gate, whatever happy front Jay’s been wearing all night sort of dissipates and, even with the laughter and smiling and conversation, it’s obvious. The breakup still hangs heavy on his shoulders.
“Sorry to barge in, Sunoo-yah,” he says as they stand beside his car on the sidewalk. “I don’t want to be alone so I’ve been hanging out with everyone I know, whoever’s available, if I can. I hope you don’t mind—I’ll stop eventually, I promise.”
Just like the first time, Sunoo feels sorry for Jay and what makes matters worse is how he hasn’t been completely honest with the older boy. Every time he asks about Jungwon, Sunoo still never says anything about Jake even though it’s obvious now including to everyone else: Jungwon and Jake are definitely getting together. They’re becoming closer. They didn’t really cheat, that’s kind of apparent, but Sunoo thinks Jay won’t see it like that and well…
Maybe he’s become a little protective of his Jay-hyung.
That said, of course he still can’t say no to him but, now, for different reasons.
“It’s ok, hyung. My parents seems to like you anyway—even noona! But maybe send me a message next time?”
Jay nods and swears he’ll actually make plans and not just show up in his house, and then this time, he’s the one who steps forward. Wraps his arms around Sunoo who’s surprised that he’d initiated a hug. Even when he’s not saying anything, he can feel it: how unhappy Jay still is. How heartbroken. Lifting his own arms, Sunoo embraces him back tightly and feels it when the older boy steps in, closer to him.
Against the hug, into it, like he’s making a cocoon out of Sunoo’s arms.
“It’s going to be ok, hyung,” he whispers to him as Jay hides his face against his neck. “I know it will be.”
So it goes.
Jay keeps going to Sunoo, keeps seeing him, and they keep hanging out near campus or at home until, eventually, they start going elsewhere. Soon, Jay begins taking him to places he and Jungwon used to frequent.
It’s kind of amusing and depressing at the same time but Jay talks about Jungwon like he’s dead. He has so many stories—they’re all so funny and sweet and Sunoo aches for him so much. He can see Jay opening up to him, can see how vulnerable he’s being by sharing all these things, and over time, as weeks turn into months, Sunoo can’t deny it any longer. There’s something about seeing someone so bare, heart ripped open, honest in their joy and even more so in their grief.
Seeing Jay in this way, it has some impact.
I like him, Sunoo realizes one day when he actually finds himself waiting for Jay to send him a message. To tell him, you free, Sunoo-yah? Let’s have dinner.
It sucks.
He’s just a placeholder and it’s obvious, especially with how oblivious Jay is since he’s still hung up over Jungwon. His hyung is still stuck in the past and where Jungwon had been, he’d placed Sunoo there and… yeah.
This is doomed right from the start.
And because the more Jay opens up to him, the more Sunoo finds himself liking him, he starts making excuses. He doesn’t answer his calls anymore and he replies to his messages late, always with a bullshit reason, just so he can stay away. Slowly, Sunoo finds his old life before Jay going back to normal and it’s only then that he realizes how much he’s rearranged it to accommodate Jay just because he’s heartbroken.
But what about him? Jay has Sunoo for his broken heart but, if Sunoo himself gets his heart broken, who’s going to be around for him? It’s bad enough that his feelings, this like, is still developing even if he’s been refusing to see Jay. So he needs to stop this. Nip it right at the bud before his feelings settle and for a boy who’s still in love with his ex.
One sleepless night just staring at the missed calls from Jay, all twenty seven of them, Sunoo suddenly receives a barrage of messages from Jay himself.
I’m outside. Is everything ok?
Can we talk? Is it because I’m too much?
I’m sorry if I am.
Can I just see you tonight? After this, I won’t bother you anymore.
I promise.
This will be the last.
Whatever resistance Sunoo has crumbles. That and Jay’s outside anyway—there’s no way he’s leaving him out there waiting.
Sighing, he sends a quick reply.
Give me a minute
I’m getting dressed, hyung
He changes from his sleep clothes into something more fitting for how cold it is outdoors and then heads downstairs, out the door, to find Jay leaning against the side of his car, waiting for him. When he spots Sunoo, he straightens. Gives a tentative wave.
Sunoo waves back as he walks towards the gate, stepping outside and onto the other side, and once he’s in front of him, he only notices how shitty Jay looks. He doesn’t look like he’s been sleeping well and he probably hasn’t been shaving because he has stubble growing on his chin and over his lips. In general, he looks rugged but, more than that, tired.
“Hi,” Jay says and his smile is so forced Sunoo softens up even more than he already has. “Were you already asleep?”
When he thinks Jay is going to say sorry again, Sunoo shakes his head and answers immediately.
“No, I was awake. Doing schoolwork. But I’m done.”
Jay nods and drops his gaze, not saying anything after, and for a moment all they do is stand in front of each other in silence until—
“Thanks Sunoo-yah,” he says after a few beats and his voice is soft. Again it’s that vulnerability, the willingness to rip himself open, that gets to Sunoo. “You don’t have to say it but I know: I’ve been a lot to deal with. Of course I can’t keep interrupting your everyday life just because—”
For a moment, Sunoo almost says that’s not the case. Wants to tell him it’s not the reason he’s been unavailable. But then that means telling Jay how he feels so he lies instead because he doesn’t have the courage to let the older boy know that he likes him.
“No, hyung. I’ve just been really busy. Some of us are still in school, you know,” he says, trying to keep the mood light and keeping his tone teasing. It makes Jay smile but it’s wobbly and Sunoo hates himself for maybe being the reason for it so he does something stupid. “I like hanging out with you. Hang out with me more. I don’t mind if you see me every day until you and Jungwonie get back together or you find someone else. Really.”
Jay stares back at Sunoo for a long time, this time in thought, before he says with a more stable smile:
“I can help you study. We don’t have to go out all the time. Plus I can drive you home from campus—for free.”
They both laugh at that and Sunoo finds himself grinning because, well… he supposes it’s not a bad trade off never mind he’s just somebody who’s meant to take someone else’s place for the time being.
Jay starts bringing him to other places.
They do a lot of studying in Sunoo’s room too but, mostly, they go to coffee shops and common spaces and the city library. Jay’s really smart but not in a very academic way—his take on a lot of things is very refreshing and Sunoo finds himself liking him even more. It’s also fun learning with him though when it comes to school, he can be all tough love and lots of scolding.
But then, once they’re done, once Sunoo’s irritated beyond belief for being treated like the dongsaeng that he is, Jay makes it up to him. After grueling hours of studying, he takes Sunoo somewhere he likes or they get something he’s been wanting to eat and, before he knows it, of course Sunoo isn’t annoyed anymore.
It’s like having a boyfriend except that’s not what Jay is.
Again though, it’s not like there isn’t a trade off that Sunoo’s benefiting from. He has a free tutor. He has someone who buys him food and takes him everywhere. That and he hasn’t paid for bus fare in…
In over six months.
Sunoo won’t realize how long it’s been, him and Jay doing this, until Riki finally asks an important question one day.
“Are you guys dating?”
Jay’s car is pretty well-known around campus but whereas he used to go there for Jungwon, now he’s picking someone else up. Riki, Sunghoon, and most of everyone are all bound to notice of course.
At the question, Sunoo shakes his head and laughs the ache in his chest away.
“No! We just became really close friends after he and Jungwon broke up. We’re BFFs now.”
Riki makes a sound that implies he doesn’t quite believe him but it’s nothing on how Sunghoon looks at Sunoo, almost like he knows about his one-sided feelings. Thankfully, he doesn’t say anything and neither of them bring it up again.
Before long, the end of junior year arrives with Sunoo and Jungwon barely seeing each other though, during the last week of exams, they run into one another and Jungwon shares the news with him.
“Jake-hyung and I are together now.”
And Sunoo doesn’t know why but he’s so relieved because that means Jungwon won’t go back to Jay. At the same time, he feels really terrible—it’s a selfish thought, insensitive, since Jay won’t be happy once he finds out about this. And speaking of which…
Of course Sunoo has to tell him.
When Jay picks him up that day, talking on and on about all the reviews he’d read about the new coffee shop they’re headed to, the older boy eventually notices his lack of energy and the fact that he hasn’t said anything else other than hi hyung since stepping into the car. So he reaches out and touches Sunoo’s knee gently, taking his gaze away from the road for a moment.
“What’s wrong, Sunoo-yah? Is everything ok?”
Sunoo decides to just say it because if he hesitates some more he’ll never tell Jay at all.
“Jungwon and Jake-hyung are together now.”
There’s a moment of silence as Jay takes his hand back and focuses on the road. Just when Sunoo’s starting to worry though, suddenly, Jay glances at him again. Laughs softly, rearranging himself on the driver’s seat, only to sit a little more comfortably. Straighter, too.
“Good for him I guess. Jake isn’t a bad guy.”
Sunoo stares at him in surprise, unspeaking. Eventually, when he doesn’t say anything back at all, Jay glances at him one more time with half a smile.
“What?”
Sunoo makes vague gestures with his hands.
“You’re not going to… I don’t know, get angry? Cry?”
“Cry,” Jay repeats, laughing again and louder this time. “Have I ever cried in front of you? Never did, not going to start now.”
But Sunoo’s still in disbelief.
“So it’s ok with you?”
At that, Jay shrugs. Sighs.
“I wouldn’t call it ok but,” he says slowly, glancing at him fleetingly. “Finding out hurt less than I thought it would.”
Sunoo just stares some more, nodding back just as slowly before making a suggestion. He’s so relieved and this time it’s a wholesome type, not at the expense of anyone, because at the end of the day?
Even if Jay doesn’t return his feelings, Sunoo just wants him to be happy.
“This means you’re moving on. We should celebrate, right?”
Jay actually grins.
“We should! Where do you want to go or what do you want to eat? We can try the coffee shop some other time.”
Sunoo gives it some thought but since he’s exhausted—he’d worried all day about telling Jay regarding Jungwon and Jake—he asks:
“Can we hang out somewhere quiet? I’m kind of tired.”
Jay makes a U-turn at the closest slot they can, only mildly distracted.
“What about we go grocery shopping and head back to your place? Cook something you like? And then we can be lazy or watch a movie or something.”
Sunoo laughs in exasperation.
“That’s not much of a celebration, hyung,” he points out but Jay simply shrugs again.
“Doesn’t have to be a party,” is his reply and he’s smiling softly as he turns his gaze towards Sunoo whose breath catches in his throat at his next words. Even if their gazes don’t hold because Jay’s driving, it’s so meaningful and so are the rest of his words. “It can just be quality time with someone you’re thankful for—and I’m really thankful for you, Sunoo-yah. Maybe it doesn’t hurt as much because of you and how supportive you’ve been. So thank you.”
All that isn’t what Sunoo wants to hear, not what he wants from Jay, but even then, his gratitude already means so much. Smiling back just as softly, he settles properly in his seat. Murmurs his next words, a sense of contentment filling him.
“You’re welcome, Jay-hyung.”
They go to a grocery store near Sunoo’s place to buy what they need and then it’s off to the Kim household where Jay cooks while he helps where he can. His parents don’t even bat an eyelash when they see Jay in the kitchen—he’s been a permanent fixture for the past few months that he’s considered part of the family.
After dinner, they retreat to Sunoo’s bedroom and decide to watch the Pacific Rim movie. There’s only one computer chair so they move it aside and sit, instead, on the floor with their backs on the side of his bed. They tilt his PC monitor’s screen downward a bit and then hit play, sharing a blanket, surrounded by pillows, sitting closely together, and Sunoo has to admit…
This is nice to wrap up the evening with.
At the halfway point of what they’re watching though, Sunoo notes how Jay yawns and then stretches—only for him to place his arm across Sunoo’s back, on top of the bed, and move even closer beside him. It makes Sunoo tense up and, before he knows it, he has no idea what’s going on, no longer paying attention to the movie and hyper aware of how close Jay is.
But he’s not alone.
“Sunoo-yah,” Jay whispers eventually and it’s only then that Sunoo realizes he hasn’t been watching what’s happening on screen either. Even then, they don’t look at one another as he answers but not before swallowing the lump in his throat.
“Hyung?”
There’s only a few seconds of silence, of pause, before Jay is slowly turning his entire body towards him. Of course Sunoo does the same and their faces are so close.
And Jay…
He’s smiling that soft smile again, the same one in the car, when he’d thanked Sunoo.
“I like you.”
Sunoo goes still but, even as he does, his entire world feels like it bloomed an entire garden of flowers as he stares back in disbelief, not sure what to feel even as Jay takes one of his hands in his, not breaking eye contact.
“Can I date you? Can we go out? Officially?”
There’s one worry Sunoo wants addressed before he gives an answer to his questions though.
“What about Jungwon?”
What about your feelings for him?
Jay moves closer, reaching for his other hand now, still looking into his eyes. And again, he’s doing that thing he does where he rips his heart out, makes himself vulnerable, and how can Sunoo not give in? Believe anything he says?
“I haven’t been thinking about him in months,” Jay admits softly. Sunoo’s heart jumps to his throat but his hyung isn’t finished. “I’ve just been thinking about you. About the next time I’ll see you and where we’re going next. What we’ll do. Heeseung-hyung’s actually sick of hearing me talk about you.”
And Sunoo, he can’t help himself. He smiles, he grins, and then he nods.
“Ok hyung,” he says back just as softly. He can’t believe it. This feels like a dream. “Let’s date. Officially.”
He watches Jay’s smile turn from soft to bright, happy, in a way he’s only ever seen him smile for Jungwon before. But now this smile is his.
It’s Sunoo’s and it’s for Sunoo.
“Can I kiss you?”
Sunoo’s a little ashamed by how enthusiastically he’d nodded, drawing out a laugh from Jay who leans in. Seals their mouths together, lips touching gently amidst shared laughter.
Just for that alone, how lighthearted it is, it’s the best kiss of Sunoo’s life.