Work Text:
Arthur Pendragon took a swig of his Glenlivet 12 year single malt whiskey as he looked out his penthouse window over the sprawling view of London. "Merlin…" he muttered, rolling his eyes. The stupid dumb beautiful idiot had left his house only moments ago after flailing around every room, breaking half of his dishes, shrinking his best wool suit in the dryer, and somehow…almost…magically managing to fix the jets on his hydrotherapy waterfall saltwater jacuzzi tub.
Arthur sighed and threw his crystal whiskey glass into the recycling as he stared up at his most prized possession, a painting he had commissioned from Elizabeth Peyton depicting his beloved Merlin entirely nude. It had been hard to come up with a cover story for this one…obviously, Merlin could not know how Arthur felt, because then his father would automatically find out and kill him. No, Arthur had had to lie, saying he wanted an expensive painting of the ugliest man he knew as an ironic art joke. Merlin, simple stupid Merlin, had believed the lie so easily…
Oh, Merlin. How could a man like Merlin, hard-working, salt-of-the-earth, beautiful Merlin, ever love Arthur, who was rich and handsome and stylish…it simply could not be.
Big Ben struck its bells 12 times, signaling that it was now midnight. Arthur draped himself around one of the posts of his grand four-poster bed, languishing that he should sleep yet another night alone without boney elbows and knees piercing his skin. Then his phone rang.
In his haste to remove his blue iphone 15 from his pocket - blue, just like Merlin's deep eyes - he threw it out his window, shattering the glass and allowing the device to plummet 120 stories to implode upon impact with the sidewalk, creating a massive crater. No problem. Arthur pulled out his back-up blue iphone 15 and answered the call.
"Hello?" he breathed shakily.
"Arthur," Merlin moaned on the other end. Arthur closed his eyes.
"You fucking moron," he murmured sensually. He hitched one leg around the bedpost. "You just went home, what could you possibly have left behind?" He couldn't dare to wish that Merlin would answer with, My heart.
Merlin gave a breathy sigh on the other end. "Well you know," he whispered. Arthur heard him swallow audibly. He heard him choke on his own saliva. "I-I forgot my cigarettes," Merlin said a few minutes later.
"Idiot." Arthur clenched the phone so tightly he thought he would break it. "You shouldn't smoke…one day you…you'll…d…you'll di..e…" He couldn't even make himself say the words, speak them into being.
"Nobody would mind that, would they," Merlin sobbed. "Anyway can I come get them?"
Arthur stomped into the living room and his azure eyes alighted on the pack of cigarettes on the table. His fist closed around it, breaking all the cigarettes in half. "No…you can get them tomorrow."
"I don't have work tomorrow."
I know, Arthur thought with a pang of pleasure followed by a twinge of guilt and a hint of sanguine. He wanted to see Merlin—every day—always. He shouldn't want that………… "You'll have to come get them anyway. See you at eight-thirty, like always."
"I'll just pop in the shop and buy m—"
Arthur ended the call and threw his phone out the window, shattering the glass again, before looking down at the crushed pack he now cradled in his hands. These small, simple things that Merlin was willing to put in his mouth…with shaking hands, Arthur pulled out a cigarette. He chewed on the end and replaced it in the box. He would never be able to tell, Arthur thought with a guilty shudder as he looked at the smashed, crushed box of cigarettes. Satisfied with his work but not with himself, he threw himself onto his tempurpedic mattress to toss and turn all night, his mind full of an insolent personal assistant…
******
"Time to get up!"
A bucket of baby chicks was overturned onto Arthur as he stretched out on his stomach. "Up and at 'em!" The curtain rods were ripped from their screws and sunlight streamed into the room. "Let's have you, lazy daisy!!!!" Arthur blinked his glassy limpid eyes open in the sudden light.
"Merlin, you absolute bumbling buffoon," he moaned. He'd been having a lovely dream…he was king, and everyone had to do whatever he said…so different from his boring everyday nepotism baby life. Arthur sat up.
Merlin was staring point-blank at his ass, but he switched to looking at his eyes. Merlin's blue eyes, like the sea…his dark hair, like ebony wood…his big fuckin ears, like Dumbo…
"Sorry, sire, but it's time to wake up," Merlin giggled, then stopped and covered his mouth. "I mean, sorry, your highness—I mean, sorry, my lord—I mean, sorry, breastie—"
"It's fine," Arthur sighed as he stood up, his red t-shirt straining against his hulking but toned and lean muscles. Merlin knocked over every bookcase in Arthur's penthouse apartment like dominos as he scurried backwards.
"I'll make you breakfast, shall I?" he squeaked as he sprinted into the kitchen.
Arthur shook his head and grabbed some boxers to put on so he wouldn't be balls-out anymore and continued to go about his extremely normal morning. When he was more dressed, he went out to sit at the kitchen counter for breakfast. He grabbed Merlin's cigarettes on the way.
"Here are your fags," he scoffed as he threw them, because that's the only word British people use to refer to cigarettes.
"Thank you for my fags," Merlin breathed, biting his lip. "I mean, you stupid clotpole."
"Fucking lunatic," Arthur growled at him, licking his lips. He adjusted the way his trousers were sitting and turned away, pulling out his back-up back-up blue iphone 15 to check his emails. He roared in frustration. "My father wants to have business meetings today. About business. He probably wants to talk about profit margins and competition." He sighed and drooped over the countertop. "Doesn't he know how busy I am?"
Arthur was very busy. He had to buy a car in Merlin's mother's name and anonymously send it to her house, sign a labor contract that would exploit low-wage workers in a far-away country, and break something in his apartment to give Merlin a reason to fix it. Because that is what personal assistants do.
Merlin chuckled, with one of the crushed cigarettes dangling limply from his mouth. "We could…" he said lowly, leaning close to where Arthur had melted.
Arthur lifted his head. "We could…?"
"We couldddd……."
"We could………………….."
"Play hooky!" Merlin grinned and half of his cigarette fell off.
"I cannot," Arthur sighed, rolling onto his back on the counter. "If I do not live up to my father's expectations he will disinherit me, come to my house, skin me alive, throw out all my beautifu—ironic art, and s…" He swallowed thickly, audibly, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat like a lost ship on the ocean. "Sack you," he whispered.
"Hahaha!" Merlin laughed as he served a blackened fried egg onto a plate and threw it at Arthur. "Well, that would do us some good since I HATE you!"
"Yes!" Arthur sat up. "And I hate you too! So much," he sighed, leaning across the counter towards Merlin with his lips pursed. Merlin leaned in as well, sharing Arthur's air as he gasped short breaths.
"Good," he whimpered. "Then let's ignore our obligations so you can be disowned and I can be fired."
"Yes," Arthur ground out, beginning to crawl across the counter. "Let's go to…"
"Let's go to………
"Let's go to the countryside," Arthur mumbled, his lips so close to Merlin's, his eyes watching every liquid movement of his sea-blue orbs.
"Right," Merlin whined. "Because I hate you."
"And I hate you."
******
In the countryside, Merlin stumbled sexily over every outcropping root and loose rock. He fell repeatedly, wailing and skinning his knees cutely. Arthur had to stop and rip the bark from a tree to suppress his urge to go help him, to carry him like a fair princess through the treacherous hiking path… No, he could not do that, for if he did Merlin would know the depth of his feelings. He chewed the tree bark and tried to block out the sounds of Merlin crashing and falling behind him.
"Keep up, cabbagehead," he sobbed as he trudged along. Finally, the trees gave way to a beautiful view. They stood at the top of a ridge with views down either side of the lush, green valley. Arthur put his hands on his hips and sighed, taking in the view of his kingdom.
Wait…his kingdom? No, no! He couldn't let those ridiculous dreams bother him here…not when he was with…
"I'm okay," Merlin panted as he came up beside Arthur. He wiped his face with his neckerchief, which was dripping wet with sweat, blood, and piss. Oh, that neckerchief…the things Arthur wanted to do with that neckerchief…he bit his lip until it was bleeding and looked away from Merlin's sexy fetal position.
"It's nice to get out," he sighed as he strolled along. "Walk the castle walls." He stopped and bit his fist. No!!! He could not let these dreams interrupt his day with his wittle wumbly idiot moron. He turned to Merlin, sure he had heard him this time, but Merlin was just smiling at him.
"It is, m'lord," Merlin said easily. Arthur cracked his knuckles. He had to know. He strode up to Merlin.
"Merlin." He grabbed his face with both hands. "Merlin…" He gazed into his deep blue orbs, swimming in their glassy depths. "Merlin…"
"Sire," Merlin mewled, his spine undulating. "Wh…..w-what…..wwhat?....."
"Do you know?" Arthur rumbled.
"Kn-kn-kn-kn-kn-kn-kn-knowww??"
"Do you know where this is?" Arthur shouted softly, slicing his fingers open on Merlin's sharp cheekbones.
Merlin took shallow, shaky breaths. "Sire," he sobbed. "C-C-C-Camel…"
Arthur's breath caught in his throat. "Yes," he moaned. "Camel…?"
Merlin held up a small box. "Camel cigarettes…I switched to smoking these because I found this opened pack in a parking lot…"
Arthur wrenched himself away from Merlin, throwing the other man to the ground as he paced away, tears sparkling in his eyes. Of course Merlin didn't know!!!!!! This was all in Arthur's delusional dreams…he should go away, get away from Merlin, not let his insanity make poor beautiful wonderful amazing stupid Merlin look down on him…he ripped his shirt in his frustration, his perfectly round pectoral muscles shimmering in the setting sun.
"Do you see that, my lord?"
Arthur whipped his head around 180 degrees. Merlin was staring into the valley with a sexy, peaceful look in his deep sapphire azule ocean eyes. "Home will always be here…unseen…out of sight…" Merlin sighed. He gestured and Arthur followed his long boney finger to stare at a hill down in the valley. "That's where Gwen would do the washing," Merlin giggled cutely. "And that's where you would put me in the stocks!" He gave Arthur the stink eye and stuck his tongue out, chuckling in a giggle.
Arthur smiled and nodded, standing up. "You and I…"
"You and I have always been…" Merlin barked, sliding up against Arthur's body.
"Two sides…"
"Bisexual…"
"Of the same coin," Arthur breathed the last words as his tongue met Merlin's teeth. Their embrace was cut short, because the earth started to tremble! Merlin squealed and climbed Arthur's body as the moss and stone rippled like a wave on the ocean of Merlin's eyes and gave way to the sandstone facade and flowing flags of…..of …..Camelot! Arthur's jaw was on the ground.
"C-Camelot…" he sighed as he walked forward, wearing Merlin like a backpack. They walked down through the lower town and each merchant greeted Arthur with respect and pleasure, bowing their heads to the ground humbly as he strode past. "It's always been here…"
"And it will always be here," Merlin whispered. He laid one hand over Arthur's perfectly round pectoral muscle. "Right…..here….."
"Merlin!" Arthur screamed in joy, grabbing him from off of his back and invading his mouth, making the small little frail man whimper in submission.
"I have something to show you," Merlin whimpered.
"What is it?" Arthur inquired, shaking him.
Merlin cleared his throat and his oceanic pacific atlantic eyes turned to a beautiful fiery melted sunny gold as flowers bloomed all over the cobbled paths of the lower town. Small fiery dragons shot from Merlin's fingertips and fluttered around, setting the flowers on fire immediately and landing on Arthur's shoulders.
"I have." Merlin bit his lip and pointed his toes towards each other, looking up at Arthur from under his long dark heavy black thick lashes. "Ummmmmmmmmmm I have ummm magiccc."
Arthur just smiled and kissed Merlin again, gaining entry to his mouth and signing peace treaties with his uvula. He chortled as the kiss ended.
"Silly stupid special Merlin…" He petted his soft curly hair like a little poodle-mix dog. "Somehow…I always knew."
Merlin gave a shout for joy and jumped into Arthur's arms, kicking his legs with enthusiasm.
Camelot would always be right there….with the two of them.
******
Three days later they were found malnourished, dehydrated, unmoisturized, and with gingivitis and dandruff in a Cornwall forest.