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The day had been unassuming at best, only a few new cases coming in for him to investigate. And progress has been slow on the ones he’s already started. A long day for sure, but nothing special.
Diluc spins a pen around in his hand, rereading intel in hopes of having missed something crucial, something that could possibly bring the whole thing forward. Several kidnappings had happened in the area with no obvious link between the victims so far, the case has nearly gone cold many times with only little tidbits keeping the investigation going. His current client isn’t all that noteworthy either, another citizen that’s deemed the police department useless in a case and sought him out instead.
They’ve really started losing their credibility ever since Diluc came back, the locals growing tired of the department’s lack of action once more jobs like his started showing up. Serves them right.
There are a few officers he doesn’t mind, naturally, the man had known them back when he was working there. But most of the newer recruits are downright pathetic.
His phone jingles with a new notification on the side of his desk. Diluc only rolls his eyes at the noise, as it’s beyond common at this point. It’s always either an old coworker trying to reach out and get him on one of their own cases, or a snotty entrepreneur fishing for a collaboration with his business. That’s about 85% of the texts he gets these days.
But in a bout of curiosity, he takes a look at the screen anyway.
Oh?
He straightens in his seat, opening the notification as his mind scrambles to choose whether to brace himself or not before the app opens.
He doesn’t follow any official accounts from the department, a matter of pride even if it means further distancing himself from old acquaintances.
No officials.. but a few private ones.
Of course there are still people he’d like to keep an eye out for, prime example being the one that just tweeted something. A hard won victory that came from glaring at his brother intensely in the bar until the other let him follow.
It’s from Kaeya’s private account, which could either mean he’s about to see a poorly thought out shitpost, or read the most depressing paragraph he has ever seen in his life. It’s a coin toss.
One that the other man seems to have lost
——————
@jorselessjorsemann985
hiking up a mountain! might enjoy the view, might jump off. will decide once there
14:07 23.08.xx
——————
Ah.
Well not as bad as it could be. Maybe he’s just had a long day. Although the joke itself is still a little worrying.
But the sudden knock on the door to his office signals an arrival of new intel, so he tucks the thought into the back of his head to examine later.
A few more hours pass with an expected lack of big breakthroughs, more small snippets of clues and potential future dead ends. It’s getting quite frustrating, but a job is a job.
Diluc slowly sorts the files previously on his desk into cupboards, cleaning up some empty cups as he goes. The process in itself is relaxing, like the few similar tasks around the bar before closing.
Another notification makes itself known with a jingle, and he looks over to his phone only for his entire body to tense up.
A message from Rosaria.
He barely knows anything about the woman besides her less than obvious fondness for Kaeya and the fact that the two of them drink together from time to time. An order spoken with mild vitriol is about as much conversation as they’ve shared.
So seeing that she’s decided to contact him out of nowhere is rather perplexing. Much as the message itself.
R: can you call him
He stares at the screen for a good minute before typing something back.
D: Who?
Barely two seconds pass before his response.
R: kaeya
That gets him to frown in confusion.
D: ..why?
R: he didn’t pick up when venti called
R: and i couldn’t reach him
R: your turn
His frown deepens as the redhead thinks back to earlier in the day.
That.. doesn’t necessarily mean anything. He could just be busy. Or his phone could be on silent.
..He does call him.
There’s no response, even after a good minute or so. Just as Rosaria said.
He forces his breathing to remain steady with a few controlled inhales. He can’t be freaking out over this. It might not mean anything.
He still asks Adelinde to try calling as well. She does, still with no luck.
Another text from Rosaria, he opens it with shaky fingers.
R: so?
D: he’s not picking up
A few minutes pass before she sends something back. The dread is palpable, heavy in the air and seemingly radiating through the screen.
R: keep trying.
R: if he’s really just ignoring everyone you have the best chance of getting through
He breathes. In, and out.
Not much time has passed. Even for the worst case scenario. There’s still a chance.
He doesn’t even let himself think of the alternative before dialling the number again.
There has to be a chance.
——————-
The sun’s last rays cover the city in a soft orange hue, highlighting the tiniest edge of every rooftop. It doesn’t falter in it’s mission to paint the world, even his hair gets a few yellowish shadows to go with the natural navy blue. The stone railing doesn’t reflect as well as some other surfaces, standing boring and lifeless under his weight.
What a beauty still, the ancient castle on top of a mountain. A popular tourist stop with it’s history on display, a memory kept alive even in the country’s infrastructure. It’s a sight he’s seen many times before, living nearby, but it never fails to amaze him time and time again.
The people below are likely having dinner with their families, or otherwise settling down in preparation for sleep. Warm homes keeping their loved ones safe and content, snacks fresh and ready for a possible movie night. The children playing still up to the very moment their parents or older siblings call them for dinner. Laughter and good memories shared.
He lived like that, once. Though in a bigger house. A mansion.
But the warmth was so very palpable still, in his reach and welcoming him with open arms. A home waiting for them all after work or training, a true one.
It’s been years since. As he soon found out, he doesn’t truly belong anywhere.
And he thinks he always knew that, deep down. Even when Diluc and Crepus accepted him as family.
He’s never been worth salvaging.
But oh how hard they tried. Teaching him the language with patience he didn’t know could exist, sitting at the dinner table and keeping each other company as they ate. Providing him with his very own room along with custom made clothes and the softest of sheets. Comforting him after nightmares and insisting that he could always come to either of them if he needed something. His family would shower him in affection and show pride in calling him their own.
All of that time, dedication and love
And it all led to this.
It feels like the ultimate betrayal. He might as well spit on Father’s grave while he’s at it.
The thought doesn’t make him move away from the railing.
He’s not surprised.
He’s just so.. tired these days. It’s a bit hard to explain. Every day he wakes up, eats breakfast if he has the time, gets dressed, goes to work. And at work he will see a new batch of files on his desk, already piling up. And he’ll do most of them, and the next day he’s going to get more papers on his desk that all sound the same. He will come home to a bare, soulless apartment and have to do it all over again the next day.
That could barely be called a life.
His phone rings from his pocket, the cheery tune almost mocking the people below. Or him. Who knows.
It goes on, as if stubborn. His gaze only shifts back to the city below, now without the sun’s fittingly bright contour painting it. The streetlights keep it looking alive, even once most of the light within the homes themselves has been extinguished.
It’s a long drop.
He lets his fingers tap a steady rhythm into the stone. He doesn’t even feel nervous. How sad. How rotten.
They say it’s just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what if he doesn’t want to have problems again? He’s had his share, when is it time to rest.
How is anyone supposed to live like this?
He’s held out for long enough, in his own opinion. There’s nothing more waiting for him out there.
More ringtones, now playing one after another as he leans forward. Perhaps a funerary chime of sorts. Before he knows it, he’s sitting directly on the railing. The city is even more beautiful from the new spot.
And he wonders, for a minute.
Who will be sharing drinks with dear old Venti? The man barely speaks about himself, but his odd energy is enough to light up the whole bar. Though he likes to trade drinks for songs with other patrons, it’s with him and Rosaria that they all just get to have fun and talk about whatever comes to mind. The young-looking man even keeps their usual seats free if he arrives first.
Kaeya isn’t so out of it that he would assume his two drinking buddies won’t be affected at all. They might be distraught by the way he went. It’ll likely sound quite miserable. But he can hope they won’t miss him too much.
There are, of course, a few people closer to him than just that. But not too many. The few teens he has mentored would undoubtedly hear of his demise eventually. While that would be quite shocking to such a young mind, as long as they have some sort of support system, they should be fine.
Though that leads his mind to wonder about people like Jean, who is already close to collapsing under her mountain worth of work. Without him in the department, his share will likely have to go back to her desk. He can only hope for the best in her case.
All in all, he is not leaving much behind-
Well. Maybe there’s more. He just doesn’t want to think about them as much. But if he has to be fair..
Adelinde and Elzer. He might not have seen them around much after he moved out, but they of all people might remember the quiet boy that used to inhabit the mansion with his family. They’ve seen him in many different states, and at many crucial points in his life.
To think they would have to find out, that someone who used to be that boy..
No. He’s only trying to avoid the inevitable, reminiscing like this. There is nothing, nothing that’s waiting for him out-
His phone is still ringing. He catches the name of the caller with a glance.
Diluc.
Diluc, getting a call from the nearest hospital. Having to find out that his brother killed himself.
He’s torn out of his daze with what feels like ice settling over his entire body. Something bitter in the back of his throat, leaving his breath to hitch.
He fishes out the phone from his pocket to properly look at the screen.
It’s still ringing, and the contact is undoubtedly that of Diluc. His index finger hovers over the answer button hesitantly.
How long has he been trying to contact Kaeya..? Did something happen? That is what gets him to answer.
The first thing he hears is a sharp intake of breath on the other side. “Kaeya?!” Diluc’s voice is a little more shrill than he remembers. It’s a bit higher as well.
He lifts the phone closer to his face so that his reply can be heard. “..Yes?”
There’s another sharp noise on the other side, one he refuses to identify. “Oh thank god” the older’s voice cracks with relief. Guilt washes over him in a wave at the sound. A few more laboured breaths and Diluc seemingly regains some of his composure.
“What the hell were you thinking?! Do you know just how many people you’ve scared??”, he hisses, likely fuming with anger judging by his tone. Kaeya shrinks into himself somewhat, now sitting hunched over.
“I.. didn’t mean to” it’s simultaneously the best and worst thing he could say. He really has no excuse. The red haired man only huffs on the line.
“Where are you?”
Ah.
He might’ve liked the rightful anger a little better than the tangible worry now infecting the other’s voice. He’s always hated worrying his brother. The blue haired officer has to think about his next words carefully, he really doesn’t want to scare Diluc.
..But he doesn’t want to give him false hope, either.
“Ah” he breathes out and it’s oddly stilted. “I’m fine now, really. You don’t need to look for me.”
His brother audibly shifts on the other side, “Even if that’s true, I’d still like to check in person. So, where are you?”
He bites the inside of his cheek, an old habit he thought he’d long gotten rid of. Of course he doesn’t want to worry Diluc more than he already has, but..
The night sky welcomes him. Lights peppered between the streets and the famous stone bridge, seemingly as old as the castle itself. It towers over the river below, the inky black water illuminated as if an aurora of warm yellows and oranges painted itself on a murky canvas. The air is humid as always with wind carrying the smell of trees nearby, courtesy of the mountains overgrown with forests.
He always thought people were exaggerating when they said one could fall in love with a city, but now he knows he had been mistaken.
The pitch black sky compliments each and every streetlight with just the perfect richness. Cars regularly passing by the river with a low rumble of engines, the drivers likely enjoying the view as well.
The sky is almost beckoning him forward, a sweet promise of rest whispered into his ear.
He considers it, strongly. Eye locked onto the stone pavement below. It’s high enough for the injuries to take him in case the impact itself doesn’t.
The man breathes out softly, longing.
But a familiar voice cuts through his reverie with alarm “Kaeya?”
His gaze is torn away from the ground, once again landing on the phone in his hand. He knows he needs to say something, maybe comfort the other. Reassure him that he’s alright.
The sky looks back at him expectantly.
“..I’m here”, even his voice is quiet with hesitation. Out of all the lies he’s told throughout his life, one spoken now would likely hurt the worst. He doesn’t even want to think about it.
“..Are you sure you’re okay?”, he hates it. He hates how much he’s obviously worried Diluc already, to the point his brother’s voice is so soft. The guilt stakes through his ribs with the vigour of a pitchfork.
He has nothing to say. But he knows Diluc deserves a proper goodbye at the very least. So he breathes for a moment, trying his best to mentally prepare himself for whatever will come next.
“I’m sorry.”
It’s the most honest thing he can say without actively scaring his brother further. He hopes, at least.
That hope is immediately shattered when he hears Diluc breathe in sharply on the other side.
“..Kaeya?” his voice is so shaky with obvious fear that the blue haired man considers jumping at that moment before he can somehow hurt the last of his family further. “What are you sorry for?”
He looks away. The empty, starless night sky gazes through him. An ending without fanfare and a promise of blissful rest. He can almost see it smiling coldly, self-assured.
He silently prays that the gaps in Diluc’s words aren’t the result of quickened breathing when he speaks again. “It’s- it’s okay. Just tell me where you are so I can get you, yeah?” He hates this.
Why couldn’t he get the chance to go peacefully, without having to worry about the emotional fallout. Why not? Has he really not been through enough to deserve it? Why does he have to listen as Diluc barely holds back tears, trying to figure out how to get to his brother before it’s too late.
It’s all just so tiring.
The aforementioned man’s voice cracks horribly, “Kaeya?” He has no suitable lie on the tip of his tongue and no possible misdirection.
The sky looks on, as if it has amassed a grin full of conceit.
“Kaeya” his brother’s voice is forcefully softened, desperation now audible. “You know I love you, right? You can talk to me.”
Ah.
Perhaps the shy little boy from back then is still alive, somewhere in his rib cage. He’d thought the thing would’ve met his end the day Father died. Oh well.
..Is what he wants to say, but that boy has seemingly grown a voice of his own. And oh isn’t he loud. Perhaps just as loud as the call of the sky. The boy wants to take this chance to run back to his older brother and let him fix everything.
Too bad there is nothing to fix. Unless Diluc is somehow willing to put him out of his misery, but he can do that himself. Right here and now, in fact.
On a more critical note, he really doesn’t see how things can get better. Even if he does let Diluc come here and ‘save’ him, what then? He’ll still have to go back to his dull apartment and live through another shitty few weeks of life until he’s back here again. So what’s the point in even trying?
The boy screams like the man is strangling him with his own bare hands.
“Kae?” the sheer softness and worry in that single word makes him want to throw up. “Are you still with me?”
He scrambles to hold the phone closer to his face, but there’s nothing to say. His eye is drawn to the pitch black sky. He might just be destined to hurt everyone he loves over and over.
Diluc of all people should know this
“Please say something. Please. Kaeya” his brother is pleading with him on the other side with a voice full of fear.
Why
Kaeya doesn’t understand. Did he manage to trick him into thinking he’s a good person again? How?
Or is Diluc really naive enough to think he can be salvaged? He’d thought the older lost that childish part of himself years ago.
Why does he have to make this harder than it needs to be
“I’m sorry.”
There’s another sob on the other side. “It’s okay. You can stay at the manor, I’m sure everyone would love to have you there.”
That they would, wouldn’t they. He hasn’t been home once since the day he left. The few older staff likely miss having another young master around. Though he’s sure they have their hands full with Diluc’s whims as well.
But going home would entail having to talk to people who are likely no less scared than Diluc is right now.
He could.. or
The streetlights glow with inviting saffron, standing still in anticipation below.
“We could talk over tea, if you want” Ah, that. He recalls the many breaks they’d arranged with Adelinde’s home cooked pastries at the ready, talking about nothing and everything in between lessons. Or simply drinking their tea in silence, just enjoying the company. He should’ve known his brother is still as sentimental as ever.
The memories do tug at his chest with warmth, the smell of wood and sweetened black tea as if floating through the air even now, in the middle of the city. It seeps into his lungs with a familiar feeling. Home.
But he had to throw it all away, run off and change his name without a care for the people he left behind. Not that Diluc isn’t guilty of that too, but the younger has yet to even show his face at the manor.
What would he say to Adelinde? First he discarded father’s legacy and fucked off to the city, and the next thing she hears he’s about to throw himself off a mountain? She would surely think he’s demented. Why wouldn’t she.
The stone pavement looks all the more enticing.
“Kaeya. If something has been bothering you, I’m sure we can fix it” his voice is still impossibly soft, like they’re still children and he’s trying to calm Kaeya down after a nightmare. “You don’t have to do this.”
..he doesn’t
But he knew that already, he just wanted to.
Wanted.
The slivers of light in the streets, in the river. They’re a warm orange, like the lamp in his room back at the manor. One he would study and draw under, or on the rare occasion, sit on the floor late into the evening sharing fresh gossip with his older brother.
There is a sudden pain inside his chest, gnawing through his ribs with desperate longing. He’s been so alone ever since he moved away. No amount of friendly faces at work can hope to fill the void. Or nights out with people he’d call friends. It’s always what he wants but never what he needs because by god he doesn’t deserve it. He can’t have them back. He himself decided that six years ago, when he provoked Diluc and ran away.
They shouldn’t be waiting for him to come home.
..but neither should Diluc
His gaze is drawn back towards the sky. It’s not as enticing as before.
Maybe.. maybe..
It sounds too good to be true, too good for him. Why would he be wanted..? He’s not family anymore.
The boy is sobbing, trying desperately to reach the extended olive branch. Crying out for the offered comfort.
He breathes for a moment.
“..Okay.”
He gets out of the call without ending it, letting his fingers go through the options. His location is as easy to give away as a few taps. He hears Diluc breathe out the second the message is delivered.
“I’m on my way, just stay on the line. Please.”
He hums loud enough for the other to hear.
The wait feels long even though it likely isn’t, and he lets his legs swing back over the railing onto solid ground. Even going as far as to take a few steps back afterwards. The risk of Diluc possibly finding his body first is... He can’t do that to him.
He hears a car parking down the street before long, the driver slams the door shut and barrels towards the stairs with speed that could only be driven by adrenaline. The mop of red hair is steadily getting less blurry in the terrible lighting.
He can’t see the man’s expression from this far away. It drives irrational fear into his mind.
He’s standing in the middle of the plaza when Diluc gets all the way up the stairs, stopping to catch his breath for a split second before his eyes lock onto him.
The man looks terrible, eyes reddened at the edges and hair disheveled with what is likely several handfuls torn out. His coat is hanging loosely around his shoulders.
“Kaeya.”
The night is quiet, he can only let his mouth open and close a few times before giving up. There’s nothing he can say. And before he can get back to thinking, he is being pulled into an embrace.
Diluc’s arms wrap around him in an iron grip, like the older isn’t ever planning to let go. He lets out a single broken sob before burying his face in Kaeya’s shoulder.
He’s standing there as if frozen, forced to listen as his brother cries into his hair. His hands slowly, hesitantly move to hug the man back. It only makes him tighten his grip on Kaeya.
He wants to comfort Diluc, he really does. Maybe shush him and say that it’s alright, this won’t ever happen again.
But he can’t promise him that.
So Kaeya just rubs gentle circles into the older’s back, murmuring quiet apologies as his ribs are just about being crushed from the hug. Nothing he can say is helping, Diluc’s sobs are still just as loud as before. He feels a little useless.
But then hands are pulling him down to push his forehead against the older’s chest, and he feels a soft little kiss on the top of his head.
Oh.
That.. Kaeya feels himself start to tear up before any thought can form in his head. Warmth rushes into his chest with the unearthed memories from before, a reminder of what he once had.
Diluc hasn’t done that since he turned 15.
The tears flow freely, and he forces himself to focus a little on the present so he can hug Diluc back with similar ferocity.
The two of them stand there for what feels like hours before the older tries to gather himself. He’s still sniffling quietly every now and then when he tries to speak. “Let’s go home.”
Home..
That does sound nice. He doesn’t mind the secure hold Diluc keeps on his arm when they make their way to the car either. He might just have to wait and see if the staff are happy to have him there. He doubts it.
But Diluc is still here, isn’t he. His brother is still clutching his arm like he’s going to disappear, and the man looks thoroughly shaken. But he’s here.
Maybe.. maybe it’s going to be fine.
Maybe.