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It's her fault. It's all her fault.
It would've been better if she just went to that dumb camp, if she didn't exist in the first place.
Luz stared at herself in the mirror, a frown hugging her lips. She tried to smile, but it didn't work. She ran a hand through her curls.
This wasn't heathly, she shouldn't think like this.
But how could she think any different? She was a failure. A mistake. Hazel eyes locked onto the razor on the far side of the sink, tan hands clenching tightly.
It'd be so easy to just do it, to just harm herself, to make herself feel the pain she deserved.
Luz couldn't do that, she knew it'd only upset more people. Her mom. Her girlfriend.
She thought about Eda, about king, about how the last time she talked to them was before visiting Amity. She shook her head, knowing thinking about her family wouldn't work, wouldn't help her thoughts.
With one last glance at the razor, she walked out of the bathroom, pushing those dark thoughts from her brain.
----
Luz sat on her bed, staring blankly at the ground. Why couldn't she cry? She should be crying, crying about how much she messed up. It was her fault. Why couldn't she cry about it?
Titan, why was she so selfish.
Nobody would be home for awhile, something about a shopping trip.
It wasn't a surprise that they didn't want her dragged along, she'd only ruin things.
She always did.
Luz stood up, finding herself back in the bathroom. She stared at herself in the mirror again.
She was so ugly. Why did anyone even like her? How could Amity love her.
Oh, right. She didn't know how bad of a person Luz was. How she'd helped Belos meet the collector. How she'd set everything in motion.
She was so useless, she should be dead. She should've been petrified by Philip, she should've let it happen. Everything would be better that way.
How long had it been now?
She looked at her dark curls, noticing how long they'd gotten. It had to have been a few months by now, right? She couldn't even remember how long it'd been, she was so stupid.
Yet no tears spilled from her eyes, no matter how much she wanted to. No matter how hard she tried.
She failed at crying. Luz had to be the most useless person on the planet.
Why did her friends even keep her around?
Luz's eyes strayed to the razor again. One little cut wouldn't hurt right?
She mentally reeled herself in, she shouldn't even think about that. It'd just be giving into her selfish desires.
A noise was heard from the living room, her friends and family had returned. She didn't deserve them.
----
Oh.
They had planned a surprise birthday party, with a cake and presents.
She'd forgotten about such an event. It made her feel even worse.
Why did they want to celebrate her birth? It would've been better if she wasn't born in the first place. Even hunter was happy, knowing what horrible acts she'd committed.
The whole night, she put on a happy face, pretending she enjoyed the party.
She appreciated their support and love, bit she really didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve anything.
That night she found herself in front of the mirror again. She knew if she kept it up, her thoughts would only get worse.
She deserved to feel like this.
Luz was a horrible person.
But nobody seemed to perceive her for what she was. Luz hated it.
She couldn't even be truly happy on her birthday, something that should be cherished. But, she just felt empty.
She didn't deserve it.
She couldn't even cry about it. She was the most useless person she knew.
Her gaze shifted to the razor again, her hand picking it up this time.
One slice. One little prick. Just to feel something. Anything.
She left the bathroom that night, not a single self infliction on her body. She knew her self control wouldn't last much longer.
----
Luz hated school. She hated being around so many people who had been right. Right about how useless she was. About how stupid and weird she was.
Amity had hugged her again today. It made her sick. She didn't deserve her love.
But she knew telling her girlfriend would only hurt her.
Luz knew her friends pitied her. They felt bad, they wanted to help.
But she didn't want it. She didn't deserve it.
Looking in the mirror, she knew she shouldn't keep coming back only to self wallow.
She found herself holding the razor again.
She shouldn't. She'd disappoint so many people.
But if they didn't know, it would be okay, right?
She pressed the sharp metal into her skin, slowly sliding it across her wrist.
She immediately felt a sting, a sting that made her drop the razor.
Luz couldn't believe she'd really just done that.
But it made her feel something. Something other than guilt and self blame. She felt a new pain, a distraction from her worst pains. A physical pain.
She washed her hands, and the razor.
Nobody questioned her sudden interest in wearing Eda's varsity jacket everywhere.
----
It had been a week now. A week since she'd given in. A week since she'd sat in front of the mirror and hated herself.
But she was there again, staring mindlessly at her reflection.
She felt so empty. Nothing she did compared as a good enough distraction as that one slice did.
One more slice. One more cut. It wouldn't be that big of a difference, right?
What would her mom say, her friends? What would Amity say, what would she think? She didn't even look at the razor this time.
Luz turned on the faucet, turning it cold. Then she splashed her face with the cool liquid.
She'd gone shopping with her mom and Vee today, while the rest and stayed home.
Vee had pointed out how Luz hadn't been eating as much lately.
Luz hadn't even noticed she was hungry most of the time.
She deserved the pain of hunger though. But it had concerned Camila.
Now her mom had made her eat her entire plate with no complaints aloud.
It made her sick to her stomach, not used to eating so much food since she'd left the boiling isles.
A tan hand ran through messy curls, a hand clenching the edge of the sink tightly.
Titan she was so bad.
----
Hunter almost said it. He'd almost slipped up and spilled her secret to Amity. They'd been privately talking about it every now and then, and he almost didn't see Amity.
She was so glad he had.
Amity had given her a weird look afterward. One of curiosity, but more prominently, a look of pity.
She hated that look. But she knew that her girlfriend was just worried.
She didn't deserve the pink haired witch.
The razor was in her hand again, already slicing through the old cut. Her hand was shaking, a single tear running down her cheek.
Why did she hate herself. It only made more people worried.
She hated when people cared about her.
She wished they didn't.
Before she knew it, she was slicing another cut. She'd harmed herself twice now.
Whats one more?
She stopped after 4, knowing more would only bite her in the ass later.
Who knew the cute were so easy to hide?
----
She should've known she wouldn't of gotten away with it for long.
It had been a mistake on her part. She should've complied.
Hunter had invited her to hang out at this lake. It would've been him, her, and the other members of the Hex squad. With Camila tagging along.
She'd said she was too tired.
She should've known he'd try to drag her out.
She shouldn't of let out a yelp when he'd grabbed her wrist.
Now Hunter knew another one of her secrets.
Well, he definitely suspected it.
Especially when she finally did agree, she had worn gloves to the lake.
She was just glad he didn't tell anyone else. But she saw the concerned look.
Titan she hated it.
Today she'd sliced her wrist 6 more times. 10 bleeding lines lined her arms, all uneven and in different places.
She hated that she hated herself.
Why couldn't she love herself.
Why couldn't she just cry her feelings out.
----
It was never enough, no matter how many slices she cut into her skin. Nothing ever seemed to be enough.
She knew she shouldn't be doing it.
It was getting harder to hide.
Luz knew it wouldn't end well.
The pain was getting so much worse.
She deserved it though.
Both of her wrists bleed freely, dribbling down her arms like a slice in a water bottle.
She felt more empty than ever.
Why wasn't it working anymore? why did she feel numb again.
She heard a knock on the door to the bathroom.
----
She watched as Amity bandaged her arm. Turns out spending 2 hours in the bathroom got alot of people concerned. She shouldn't of cut so much.
Oops.
Amity was crying, shaking as she wrapped the white fabric around Luz's arms.
She didn't mean to make her cry.
"Amity?" She whispered softly, snapping out of her dazed state.
"I'm sorry."
Amity didn't answer, only seemed to cry more.
Finally, she said something. "Why?"
It was such a simple question. But it was so hard for Luz to answer. She felt so bad for making Amity feel this way. "...I deserved it." She finally said, swallowing.
Turns out this wouldn't stop Luz.
Amity only cried more, sobbing with her hands over her face.
Luz didn't deserve her.
----
Even after she'd made Amity cry, she still did it.
She was such a horrible daughter, a horrible sister, a horrible friend, a sibling, a student, a girlfriend. She was a horrible person.
She knew she really went too far this time.
She sat in the shower. A bloody box cutter sat next to her.
She shouldn't of done it. Oh Titan.
She had cuts lining her arms and legs, even her stomach this time.
Pink water was running down the drain, tainted by her blood.
She couldn't hide it this time. She knew Amity was already on guard about it. Every single day she'd make Luz show her wrists.
There was only one way out. She was losing blood pretty quickly anyway.
She grasped the box cutter, slowly cutting a line on her collarbone.
Then she pressed the cool metal to her neck.
She didn't deserve life.
----
Luz lived. She couldn't believe it when her eyes adjusted to a white hospital room.
She saw Amity, sobbing next to her bed.
She really didn't deserve her.
"I love you." She heard from the girl she'd fallen so hard for.
"I love you too." Luz said back, voice cracked.
She didn't deserve Amity, but she knew that her love wasn't going to just go away.
"I'm really sorry." She was sorry for so much more than just her attempted suicide.
"Stop apologizing,"