Chapter Text
Chapter 1
The air in the cabin was cold enough to chill the wine to perfection. Kolya swigged back a mouthful from his chipped earthenware cup, then stabbed his knife into the slab of meat adorning the plate in front of him and lifted it to his mouth to take a vicious bite reminiscent of a lion tearing the flesh from its kill.
He chewed on it a while, eyes closed, savouring the flavour as if he hadn’t eaten in eons, while juices trickled down his jawline. It was a few moments later when he finally opened his eyes again and spoke. ‘You’re not eating?’
At the other end of the long, rustic table, Sheppard glanced down at the barely cooked cut sitting on his grubby and cracked plate. The mere sight of it had his stomach performing a queasy lurch. It swam in an unappetising combination of grease and blood that did little to encourage him to partake, and although the cup of wine was tempting, he suspected he might need his wits about him considering his current company. He poked at the meat a few times with the rusty metal fork he gripped before he pushed the plate a little farther away from him. ‘I’m not hungry.’
‘I’ve come a long way to be here. The least you can do is enjoy my hospitality.’ Kolya’s dark eyes glinted with humour as the old Genii stared him down with all the intensity of a pure, natural-born psychopath. The skewered meat still hovered close to his smirking lips, grease dripping down his jacket front and forming huge splotches of stain there.
When he dragged his gaze away from the almost mesmerising patterns spreading across the warp and weft of the fabric, Sheppard cast his eyes down at his plate once again, but there was no way, even under that subtle threat of violence, he could force himself to eat it. He set the fork down. ‘No kidding,’ he mused, throwing Kolya a crooked smile. ‘I imagine it is a pretty long way back from being dead.’
Kolya’s smile dropped, his expression instantly stony. ‘You have no idea.’
Sighing, Sheppard scrutinized his dimly lit surroundings. This was a typical Genii decoy abode, solid if a little the worse for wear since it appeared to have been abandoned judging by the thick layers of dust coating just about everything within sight. It was just like the ones he’d seen the first time he’d met them on their home world, when Sora’s thick red curls and pretty smile had caught his eye, much to her father’s chagrin. He’d kind of felt sorry for the girl for a while back then. After all, she was young and most likely conscripted into the military by her overbearing father and his powerful compatriots. But the whole irrational Teyla vendetta thing she’d developed had quickly pushed that sympathy to the back of his mind. Crazy obsessive chicks really didn’t do it for him. Not then, and definitely not now.
Running his fingers along the edge of the table until both his hands gripped the corners, he asked, ‘Why are we here?’
Now the smirk returned to Kolya’s face, along with what sounded like a genuine laugh. ‘You tell me, Colonel Sheppard. This is your dream, after all.’
That was true. Night after night the dreams that plagued him grew more vivid and troubling, ushering in a sense of foreboding that never relinquished its hold on him. So many faces from his past had visited over the last few weeks. Souls lost along the way…some welcome, others not…like the one currently sitting across from him, for example. Not that Kolya was the worst person he’d ever faced in his life. That mantle belonged to someone else now.
Still apparently amused, Kolya tucked into the meat on his knife, finishing it with gusto as if he hadn’t eaten in months. Perhaps he hadn’t. Someone like Kolya wasn’t guaranteed a happy afterlife. Perhaps hunger was his eternal penance for his cruel ways, and this little rendezvous was a welcome respite…at least for him.
‘Damned if I know,’ Sheppard muttered in response, his skin prickling as he noticed an almost imperceptible change in the light within the room. The shadows suddenly seemed a little darker with no apparent cause. He supposed his eyes were just playing tricks on him in the murk of the hut. A floorboard creaked somewhere behind Kolya, but the Genii officer didn’t seem to notice. It was possible he had simply shifted his weight in his chair and a board had popped somewhere farther back along its length as was the nature of old wooden floors. Possible…but something told Sheppard it was more than that. His hand instinctively slipped to his thigh holster, but it was empty. Of course it was. His dreams never made things easy for him.
Kolya detected the movement, drawing his own gun. ‘What? Am I not dead enough for you already, Sheppard?’
Sheppard slowly raised his hand to show he was unarmed. ‘I’m not trying to kill you…if that’s even possible.’
The Genii narrowed his eyes and kept his gun trained on him. ‘Leave your hands where I can see them, Colonel. This is your only warning.’
Sheppard gripped the corners of the table again, as the room continued to darken. Okay, now it was obvious. ‘Are you not seeing this?’ he asked his brutish companion, all the time scouring the encroaching gloom for signs of movement.
Kolya quirked an eyebrow and looked around. ‘Seeing what? Don’t try to distract me, Sheppard. I won’t fall for such a childish trick.’
‘I’m not…it’s just…it’s getting darker.’
Again, Kolya laughed at him. ‘That’s what happens when night falls, Colonel Sheppard. Odd…I didn’t take you for the paranoid type.’
That would have been true before…
Sheppard swallowed deeply, not even wanting to finish that thought. He feared it might be the Pegasus equivalent of saying ‘Bloody Mary’ into a mirror three times. He wasn’t taking any chances.
Most of the room beyond Kolya was consumed by the encroaching shadows now. Something creaked again. It sounded like someone had stepped on the bare wooden boards within the blackness, the added weight making them complain. A thought popped up unbidden…the recollection of someone who had always pressed home their advantage in the dark. His breath condensed into a small cloud as it left his mouth, the room now suddenly colder…
He kept his eyes focused on the creeping gloom, fancying he could see movement back there, lurking just behind his adversary. Whoever it was cut a slight figure. Slight and feminine. An eerie sense of familiarity crept up his spine as the smell of decay assaulted his senses. He began to tremble. ‘Please…no…’ he whispered. ‘No…not her…
Kolya frowned, finally picking up on his genuine fear. ‘What is it, man?’ he demanded ‘What troubles you?’ Something definitely moved behind his companion this time, a shadow so swift Sheppard’s eyes couldn’t fully track the movement. He pushed back from the table, sending his chair toppling with a crack that resounded all around the hut and startled Kolya, who similarly leapt from his seat and took up a defensive stance against what he perceived was Sheppard’s potential attack. ‘Sit down or I will shoot!’
A rush of cold air…another shift in the shadows…and Kolya’s eyes abruptly widened in shock. Sheppard watched him blanch, wondering what he’d seen. Footsteps thudded on the boards behind him now and he spun, catching only the merest hint of activity before the shadows hid whatever was back there from view. That didn’t change the fact he knew they weren’t alone. ‘Shit…shitshitshit!’ he reached behind him, fumbling for the battered fork he’d failed to use on his meal, needing something…anything…with which to defend himself.
A gut-churning gargle issued forth from Kolya’s direction, setting off a shiver that rippled the full length of Sheppard’s spine. He knew what he would see even before he turned, horrified yet unsurprised by the sight of the old Genii gripping his throat as blood oozed out through his thick fingers. Sheppard dropped his pitiful weapon and sprang forward as the man toppled sideways, all animosity forgotten in the abhorrence of the moment. He caught Kolya and lowered him slowly to the floor, where blood pooled quickly around his head as it continued to spill, viscous and dark. Life blood from an artery. He was dying and there wasn’t a damn thing Sheppard could do about it.
He worked fast to shrug off his shirt and tear it into pieces he could wad against the injury in a futile attempt to stem the flow of life from a long-dead man. It was futile and unnecessary, but he felt compelled to act. ‘Hang in there. I’ll get help.’
But before he could rise, he felt an oppressive presence behind him – a tingle of static and a breath on the back of his neck. It was a sensation he had hoped never to experience again. It left him frozen rigid, even as a voice whispered in his ear, ‘I always did love to hunt in the dark.’
‘John…John!’
Liv’s shrill cry brought Sheppard abruptly back to his senses. He was on his knees at his bedside, a torn sheet balled up in his hands. He stared at it in disbelief, the sense of horror and hopelessness from his dream still weighing on him even as sleep now fully abandoned him.
‘Are you with me?’
Her palm pressed against his cheek, gently urging him to turn her way. He focused on Liv’s grey eyes, letting her presence at his side ground him. ‘Yeah…yeah. I’m good.’
Her other hand gripped his wrist so tight it bordered on painful, but he didn’t pull back, comforted by the pressure of her grasp. She had a hold on him. He was safe. He looked down at the tattered sheet in his hands remembering the torn shirt he’d used to try to save Kolya. Had he acted all that out? Was that what had alerted Liv that he needed help? ‘Sorry about this.’
‘It’s fine…it’s fine,’ she assured him, gently tugging it from his fingers and letting it drop. ‘Forget about that. Come and sit down with me.’ He let her help him up and back over to the bed, where they perched together on the edge, Liv rubbing comforting circles on his back. ‘I take it the dreams are getting worse?’
He tensed, the sounds of Kolya’s death throes echoing in his skull. ‘I don’t recall what I dreamt,’ he lied, too exhausted by over two weeks of fitful nights to go into the details with her.
He sensed her frustration, but she kept her tone friendly all the same. ‘You know, we came back here three weeks ago now so you could recuperate and get your head together, but you can’t do that if you keep pretending everything’s okay.’
There she went again, presuming to know what was best for him. It wasn’t like he hadn’t handled trauma before she’d come along. ‘How am I supposed to talk about it if I don’t remember?’ he snapped, annoyed to be so transparent. He was never one to show how he felt, but since…well…how did he even begin to describe what he’d been put through? Since…everything…his emotions ran so close to the surface there was no way of concealing them. Especially not from someone as astute as Liv. She treated him like a lab rat under constant observation. He felt…suffocated. Perhaps accepting her offer to come back to Earth with her had been a mistake. What he needed more than anything was the space to do this in his own way.
Liv was silent a moment, and he knew she was weighing her next words carefully. Ever the therapist. Eventually, she spoke again. ‘John, we agreed you should take some time away from Atlantis to work through your trauma —' His eyes snapped to up hers and she flinched a little at the suddenness of it, before continuing on regardless. ‘I’m not sure how you hope to do that when all you do is push me away.’
He sighed, scrubbing hard at his face in a vain attempt to rub away his fatigue. ‘I don’t need to talk about it. It was just a dream.’
‘Was she in it? Is that why you’re so angry this time?’
He stood abruptly, making her flinch again with the sharpness of the movement. Pushing his hands back through his hair, he wandered over to the window, then cracked open the drapes. He wasn’t really taking in the view, it was just an excuse to put some distance between them. ‘You told me dreams were my mind’s way of working through things. So let me work through them. Okay?’
‘If you’re not going to let me help, then you might as well not be here,’ she pointed out, her voice also taking on a sharper edge now.
That caught his attention, the insinuation stinging. ‘Are you throwing me out?’
‘I didn’t say that!’
‘Yeah…you kinda did.’
‘Are you decent?’ a croaky voice called from the hallway, breaking the standoff.
‘Yeah, he’s decent,’ Liv called back. The door creaked open a little, and Liv’s mom poked her head around it. ‘Everything okay in here?’
Sheppard instantly felt bad about disturbing her. Liv’s mom had been nothing but kind and welcoming since the day Liv had surprised her by turning up with a plus one. Even so, he doubted anything suitable would come tumbling out of his mouth if he tried to apologise, so he let Liv do the talking.
‘Sorry, Mom. We didn’t mean to wake you.’
‘Oh, you didn’t,’ she assured them, the rest of her body now rounding the door. ‘The birds started up about a quarter hour ago and that always wakes me. Nice way to start the day though.’ She looked at the torn sheet on the floor, then up at Sheppard, giving him a once-over. ‘Oh. What happened? Did you fall outta bed?’
‘Uh, yeah,’ Sheppard nodded, not sure how else to explain it. ‘Sorry about the damage.’
‘I’ll replace the sheet,’ Liv offered automatically.
Though he knew it was a gesture meant to alleviate his embarrassment, it only served to anger him more. ‘I’ll replace it,’ he insisted, fixing her with a look that told her not to argue. ‘It’s the least I can do after all your mom’s done for me.’
‘Nobody needs to be buying any sheets,’ Annie intervened, patting the air to calm things down. ‘I’ve got more bedding stuffed into drawers and armoires around this place than any single person has rights to own. One less won’t even make a dent.’ She glanced back and forth between the two of them, only now seeming to pick up on the strained atmosphere. She cleared her throat. ‘Alright…well…why don’t I go make us all some coffee?’
‘Thanks, Mom,’ Liv called after her as she departed, before turning her attention back to Sheppard. She took a deep breath, then got to her feet and closed up the gap between them. ‘I’m not trying to get rid of you, John. I would never do that,’ she told him, tears glistening in her eyes as she fought to hold them back.
Anger loosened its grip on him, and reason flooded back in. He reached out to take her hand. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘I’m fine…it’s just –‘ She stopped short, thinking better of continuing that sentence. Instead, she cupped his face in her hands and pressed her lips to his, kissing away his worries, if only for a moment. He froze, unable to reciprocate. It felt good, but he was finding it harder to lean into her affection with each passing day. She drew back, still on the verge of tears. ‘Come on. Let’s go get that coffee and watch the sunrise.’
He pinned on a crooked smile. ‘Now you’re talking.’
‘I’ll let you get dressed.’
She stroked his arms as she stepped away, glancing back over her shoulder one more time with an expression that spoke of real concern as she reached the door. His smile slipped away the moment she left, and he inwardly cursed himself for hurting her as he returned to sit on the bed and took a moment to gather himself. He knew Liv only wanted the best for him, and she was being more than patient, so why did he keep pushing her away? The same reason he’d pushed people away for most of his life, he supposed. Because deep down he suspected he didn’t deserve her.
oooOOOooo
The early sunlight glittered off the dewy grass of the backyard as Sheppard leaned against one of the posts supporting the roof over the rear decking and took in the view across the lake that lay beyond the boundary fence.
He peered back over his shoulder at Liv, who sat on a swing seat in jeans and a sweater, with one fluffy-slippered foot tucked beneath her, the other planted firmly on the wooden boards to hold herself steady since her cup was filled almost to the brim with steaming coffee. Behind her, he could see Annie beavering away with breakfast pans through the kitchen window, frying up bacon for the three of them and toasting thick slices of bread. It was so calm out here at this time in the morning, so idyllic, he wondered why he couldn’t just relax and shake off the feeling of dread that constantly had a grip on his every cell. If he couldn’t find it here, he feared he’d never find peace again.
‘Doesn’t she get lonely out here on her own?’ he asked Liv, disturbing her quiet contemplations.
She lost the thousand-yard stare and focused on him. ‘Who? Mom? Nah…she loved sharing life with dad, but she’s never felt the need to replace him. She enjoys her own company too much, I think.’
Sheppard nodded and turned back to the sunrise, watching burnished clouds slowly drift westward, aided by a light breeze that was still just cool enough to give him goosebumps under his t-shirt. An involuntary shiver shook through him, and he wrapped his free arm around himself for warmth, comparing Annie’s apparent contentedness to the despair and rage his own father had sunk into following his mother’s death. There really was no comparison. ‘She’s a pretty good host for someone who likes being alone.’
‘That’s because she likes you,’ Liv told him, as she blew steam from her cup. ‘I brought Dean here a couple of times. Mom spent most of our visits sitting out here on the deck brooding. I really should have taken note.’
‘She’s a good judge of character.’
‘Tell me about it! Just wish I’d had the sense to listen and not waste so many years on him.’
Sheppard sighed, thinking about the years he and Nancy had wasted trying to make things work. This stuff was obvious in hindsight, but he knew if faced with the same situation, he’d probably do it wrong all over again. ‘It’s all life experience…makes us who we are,’ he replied.
‘Very philosophical,’ she chuckled. ‘Wanna swap jobs?’
‘You any good at flying?’ he asked, wandering her way and sitting carefully beside her so she didn’t spill her drink.
‘Never tried,’ she shrugged. ‘How hard can it be?’
He smirked at her over his cup. ‘Not hard at all. It’s a piece of cake.’
‘Then we should definitely trade,’ she agreed, swapping her cup to her left hand and offering her right to him. He did the same and gave it a shake, Liv not letting go once the mock agreement was struck. She leaned in and planted a kiss on his cheek. ‘Are you feeling better now?’
A little frustrated to be pulled back to that moment, he told himself not to overreact. Liv’s questions came from a place of genuine care, and he wouldn’t be churlish about it. ‘Yeah…honestly, it was no big deal.’
Her shoulders dropped a little, as if she were disappointed by his lack of candour, but she pinned on a bright smile anyway. ‘I thought we could go for a hike today…take a picnic and get a look at the view from up there.’ She pointed to some vast hills off in the distance, shrouded in mist but just visible against the skyline.
With the sun only just rising over the horizon, Sheppard could already feel its warmth building. The wind whipped through the long grasses beyond the boundary fence, causing ripples like currents in an ocean. For the first time in weeks, he realised just how much he missed Atlantis. ‘Sure…why not?’ he nodded, wondering if it was just a ruse to wear him out to the point he would sleep through the night. He hadn’t slept for more than an hour or two at a time since…
‘Hey…You sure you’re okay?’
He realised where his thoughts had drifted to, something apparently reflected in his expression. He slid his eyes her way, trying the shut out the images of the various ways that monster had caused Liv’s death in the many circles of time they’d passed through, trying desperately to focus on her pretty features, and the soft curls of hair framing her pale, porcelain-like complexion and not the horrors his mind was showing him. ‘I…I don’t…’
‘Come and get it!’ Annie called through the open back door, fracturing the stillness.
Liv closed her eyes and let out a sigh, before replying, ‘Coming, Mom!’ She still held onto his hand, apparently reluctant to break contact, though she seemed to understand the moment was lost and she couldn’t get it back now. Just a few more seconds and he might have actually admitted that he wasn’t good. Perhaps the breakfast call was for the best. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that conversation yet.
‘Hope you’re hungry,’ she smiled sadly, standing up and tugging him to his feet along with her. ‘I’m pretty sure mom thinks you eat for a whole army.’
‘Airforce, maybe,’ he corrected, eliciting a warmer smile in response. ‘She has mentioned getting some more meat on my bones a few times now.’
‘Couple more pounds wouldn’t do you any harm,’ Liv shrugged.
He allowed her to lead the way, the smells of bacon, toasted bread and a fresh pot of coffee overwhelming his dark thoughts with welcome and distracting aromas. He’d lost weight over the past month…not a lot, but he hadn’t had much to lose in the first place. But his appetite wasn’t up to much yet, and though the food Annie kept pushing his way was always tempting, his adoptive mom always seemed to think he wasn’t packing enough away. She was right, he wasn’t. He’d get there eventually. It was just another thing he had to get right in his own sweet time.
Several plates piled high with food, pots of preserves and bottles of syrup, plus a slab of butter lined the centre of the breakfast table when they entered. Liv allowed his fingers to slip from hers as she rounded the table and took her seat, casting furtive glances his way as he sat down opposite her. Annie grabbed the pot of coffee and began filling the fresh cups she’d set out for them. ‘Come on, you two. Fill your boots. Don’t want it going cold.’
Annie was a homely woman, approaching sixty-five years of age and not afraid to speak her mind. But there was a delicacy to her features that spoke of a youthful beauty now lost to time, replaced by lines that told of her naturally joyful nature and a life of laughter. She wore her long wavy hair in a braid down in front of her left shoulder, probably the easiest position for it when she styled it that way each morning. A habit no doubt formed in her years of nursing, when hair had to be kept neat so it didn’t interfere with work. She wasn’t as tall as Liv, and neither did she share her daughter’s grey eyes, two features presumably inherited from her father, but she was welcoming and caring in a non-judgemental way, and that was all that he needed right now. A kind of surrogate mom when he needed one most.
She picked up a piece of toast and began buttering it as Sheppard helped himself to a few slices of bacon. The bread landed squarely on his plate a minute later, and he looked up to find Annie grinning back at him. ‘Saved you some time. It’s better when the butter’s fully melted.’
He thanked her and tucked in, forcing it down even though he really wasn’t in the mood to eat. He figured it would be rude to refuse.
‘So, what do you two have planned today?’ she asked, picking up another slice to butter for herself. ‘Looks like it’s gonna be a good one.’
‘Thought we might go for a hike,’ Liv mumbled, covering her mouth to speak around the food she was in the process of chewing. ‘Not too far yet since we both have a bit more physical recovery to do.’
Annie nodded approvingly, taking a bite of her toast. ‘Roxborough State Park has some nice routes. Some of them aren’t too long either.’ She looked John’s way now. ‘The fresh air’ll do you good. Get some colour in those cheeks.’
‘Yes, Mom,’ he joked, and she playfully slapped his arm, making him wince a little as he shifted his still painful shoulder in reaction.
‘Mom!’ Liv gasped.
‘It’s fine,’ Sheppard barked back at Liv. ‘It was a mistake.’ Liv immediately shrunk into herself, which left him feeling guilty. ‘Sorry…I didn’t mean to shout.’
‘My fault,’ Annie intervened. ‘I’m grouchy too when I’m sore. Are you keeping up with the exercises your doctors gave you?’
He was still watching Liv for a reaction, spotting the smirk begin to spread on her face as her mom got to work on him. He rolled his eyes in Annie’s direction now. ‘Yes, Nurse Marshall.’
‘And your pain meds?’
He clamped his mouth shut and averted his gaze back to his meal.
‘John?’
He sheepishly met Annie’s remonstrative glare. ‘Haven’t been taking them for a week now. Made my brain foggy.’
She sat back in her seat with an exaggerated sigh. ‘There’s more than one analgesic on the market, John. You could try something else.’
‘I figured the pain was a good thing,’ he countered. ‘Tells me when I’m pushing myself too hard.’
‘Or you could just take it easy and be pain free. With all the pain meds available these days there is absolutely no reason for you to be in any discomfort. Liv, there’s some Tylenol in the bathroom. Go get him a couple.’
Feeling suitably chastised, he ate on while Liv did as her mother asked and set them on the table beside him, following that action up with a glass of water. He thanked her with a smile and took the tablets without further argument. He had a feeling Annie wouldn’t take no for an answer anyway.
‘Oh, and before I forget, no backpack for this one when you go hiking,’ she continued, jabbing a butter-coated knife in his direction. ‘He’s not to take any strain on that shoulder at all for now.’
Liv picked up her mug and peered at him over it, giving a quick flick of her eyebrows in a "she’s really on a roll now" kind of way. ‘No…of course not, Mom.’
‘You listening, young man? You do absolutely nothing to exacerbate that injury. That rotator cuff isn’t going to heal too fast if you keep aggravating it all the time.’
‘Understood,’ he confirmed with a small salute, figuring Annie may have actually missed her calling in life. He’d met less intimidating drill sergeants during his training days.
Apparently satisfied that they both comprehended her instructions, Annie returned her attention to her breakfast, muttering something about pig-headed pilots under her breath.
Across from him, Liv stifled a grin and picked up the strawberry preserve, slathering a thick layer on her toast before tucking in. Sheppard fought down a smile too, knowing Annie’s rant came from a good place. He was stubborn when it came to pain meds, always had been, preferring his own judgement than deadening his pain unless he was in agony. But, if taking a few Tylenol kept Annie happy, he would submit to that much. It was the least he could do considering her generosity since he’d arrived there.
Plus, he kind of enjoyed having a mom figure fussing over him anyway. It had been a long time since anyone had taken care of him this way, and he was in no real hurry for it to end.