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It became even harder to live once Fedya was gone. Nikolai was starting to struggle more and more with basic stuff, such as feeding himself, showering, moving out of his bed, even falling asleep was now difficult due to his crippling fear that his dreams would remind him of Fedya, he was scared that it would hurt more than it already does. He was simply exhausted, tired of it all.
But, he had to keep going. He was the well known Nikolai Gogol, after all. He couldn't just fall into extreme depression and stay in bed until he fucking dies, right? So that evening, he decided to get out of bed and finally take care of himself, he didn't feel like going out. The weather was unpleasant outside anyway. He'd just get wet from the rain that's been pouring for three days straight, which would be simply terrible to deal with later.
He walked into the bathroom, his steps a bit wobbly as the exhaustion from not sleeping for a few nights hit him. He walked up to the sink, letting the water flow on his hands as he looked into the mirror. He looked miserable. His face reminded him of Fyodor's, he had those dark eyebags under his eyes and his skin got paler.. just like his, so he turned away, not wanting to remember any more. How come that someone affected him so much? Someone who he wanted dead?
He washed his hands and splashes some of the cold water on his face, trying to wake himself up a bit more, but it worked only for a short while.
His mind was a mess, he didn't know what to do, he was simply extremely depressed and tired. But it will get better.. it has to.. he can't grieve over him for long. He has to get better.
Nikolai then straightened his posture and walked up to his bathtub, slowly taking off his pyjamas, which was a simple white, loose shirt and some white loose pants. He let the clothes fall on the little rug in front of the tub, as he slowly entered it, standing in it while preparing the warm bath for himself. He made sure the water was perfect for him, he hoped that it would let him relax even for a moment, but even while he did that, he sometimes dozed off to think about his memories with Fyodor. Come on Nikolai, get it together.
Once he finished preparing the bath, he sat down comfortably, resting his head on one of the edges, simply staring at the wall covered with white, plain tiles, simply thinking. What will he do now? How long will it take him to get better? When will he forget? And so on.. he didn't even realize when he fell asleep.
In the dream, he was still in the bathtub, staring at the wall, until a familiar voice called out to him.
"Nikolai, you shouldn't sleep in the bathtub, you know."
The white haired man's eyes widened, he quickly turned his head to the source of the voice.. he couldn't believe what he saw. It was him. Fedya. He was just beside him. Kneeling next to the bathtub.. he looked so real, he looked.. alive.
Nikolai quickly reached his hand out to touch Fedyas face, it was warm.. the feeling of the clowns hand on the black haired man's cheek made him smile a bit.
"So affectionate, aren't you?"
Fyodor giggled, and Nikolai was simply frozen in shock, his heart swelled with happiness, he then reached out his second hand to touch Fyodors second cheek, now pressing their foreheads together while he closed his eyes.
"Dos-kun, there you are."
He tried to keep his voice steady, but at the last word, it trembled a little. He was holding back his tears of joy, which he never expected to spill simply by seeing Fedya.
"There I am indeed, Nikolai."
"..I missed you."
Nikolai opened his eyes and looked into Fyodors, the two men stared at each other in silence for quite a while, until Dostoevsky broke the silence with a giggle.
"Really? That's sweet of you to say."
Fyodor then unexpectedly wrapped his arms around Nikolais still wet body, which took the white haired man off guard.
"I missed you too, Nikolai."
After that simple sentence, Nikolai let out a heavy sigh and hugged Fedya back, squeezing him quite a bit, making Fedya let out a chuckle and make a few patting motions on Nikolais back, hinting him to loosen up.
"Not so tight, will you?"
"Sorry, sorry~"
Nikolai was happy. He felt as if he could jump from joy, as if he could fight a thousand of armored knights by himself, he was just so happy that no words could explain it.
After a longer moment of silence, they both backed away from the hug, smiles gracing both of their faces. They simply enjoyed each others company, even if they were just sitting and staring at each other.
"Nikolai,"
"Yes, Dos-kun?"
"Live a good life."
Nikolais eyes widened. He didn't expect Fedya to say it. Not now... Even though he was well aware that it wasn't real, he still clinged onto the hope that Fedya was alive. He hoped that the whole death of his was like a bad nightmare, he held onto that hope, even if he knew it wasn't true. But the words Fyodor said just popped his bubble.
"..don't say it now, Dos-kun."
"I have to, or else you'll neglect yourself further."
"I'll be okay."
"Don't lie to me now."
Nikolai frowned, disappointed that he wouldn't be able to stay there with Fyodor forever, doing nothing and everything, talking about everything he wished to talk about with him, just simply having fun, just him and Fedya.
"I don't want to go back."
"I know it may be difficult to deal with it, but I know you can do it. You're Nikolai Gogol, you can take more than that."
"Stop."
Nikolai closed his eyes, furrowing his brows. He didn't want to deal with the harsh reality. But he knew that what Fyodor said was true. He was the Nikolai Gogol, he can take more than this, but he doesn't want to take any more of the grief and guilt. He wants to rest. He wants to heal.
"It will be difficult, but you can do it. Push through it and live a happy life."
"How can I be happy without you?"
"Nikolai, oh Nikolai. You wanted me dead, don't you remember?"
Fedya smiled warmly and grabbed Nikolais hands in his, the warmth of Fedyas body slowly disappearing, hinting that Nikolai was about to wake up soon.
"I..."
"Nikolai. You can do this. I'll be with you, no matter what it takes. Physical form or not, I won't leave you. Not now."
"Dos-kun.. I don't want you to leave."
"I won't leave. Please, take care of yourself. It will be alright."
Nikolais vision started to blur as soon as he looked at Fedya, he could only tell that he was smiling, until his vision became distorted enough to the point where he couldn't see anything other than the colour of Fedyas skin and hair.
"I believe in you, I love you, Nikolai."
After he said those words, Nikolai felt as if he started falling into a void, everything started to distort and spiral, he hated the way it made him feel. But what he hated more was the fact that he couldn't see Fedya, that he couldn't feel his touch, that he had to return to the reality where he's gone.
After what felt like forever, he woke up, the water has gone cold and his body was almost completely submerged in the water, only his face peeking over it. He straightened his posture and looked around the bathroom. After he realized that Fedya wasn't there and that he wasn't coming back, he let out a disappointed sigh. Just remembering his words hurt him, it made his heart sting, and the more he thought about it, the more it hurt, and before Nikolai could notice, a stream of tears ran down his cheek. He was crying. And he couldn't help it.
He let himself cry it out, he needed to let all the emotions flow out of him sooner or later. It did take a moment, but he finally calmed down and decided that he was ready to leave the bathroom.
Fedyas voice and his words were still playing over and over in his head as he lazily dried himself and got dressed in the same pyjamas again, he could still hear it even after he went to bed and laid down. He missed him, but he believed that he will watch over him, that he will be with him. It's the only hope he could hold onto for now, at least until he finally gets over it.
As he closed his eyes again in hopes of resting and maybe even seeing Fyodor again, he could feel warmth embracing him from behind, but when he looked, noone was there. He sighed and closed his eyes once more, getting comfortable on the bed, calming down at least a little bit by knowing that Fyodor wasn't lying to him. He gained some more determination to keep going thanks to someone he thought he wanted dead, who would've expected that outcome?
"Goodnight, Dos-kun."
And so, Nikolai drifted off. That night's sleep being one of the most restful and comforting nights he had ever had in his life. He was truly thankful for everything Dostoevsky said to him. It gave him determination to keep pushing through.