Chapter Text
Clarity is what I have always known.
Everything is always clear to me, 2+2 makes 4. The earth is round, galaxies go out every day, a heart that stops is synonymous with death.
These are doxa that everyone respects.
It's crystal clear.
Yet something came to shake my peace of mind, the feelings, inevitably destructive at one time or another.
Because nothing is eternal.
Silence, I often experienced it in a youth, a tranquility of great rarity.
My presence alone is enough for me.
Then you arrived, coming in all messed up.
With so much strength, you overcame the Chinese wall that was formed over the years around my heart, you did not try to force this wall by destroying it with your feet or a battering ram. You did it with unprecedented gentleness with a real spell. You revealed a door adorned with color that is normally repugnant to the mere sight of it and you entered, widening this small space.
You didn't pierce or break my bubble, you found your place there.
I've gotten used to your presence.
And you left.
Overturning my habits overnight, my ability to work became mediocre, my mind incapable of this detachment from “Why”?
Why am I not able to get back to my old habits?
You've always called us friends, of course, but since the first day that word slipped from your lips, I've held on to that word, trying to understand what it really means, what is it? what is friendship, I am your friend, but you? And you mine?
I still don't have an answer to that question, you left before I could realize what really happened in my head.
But this feeling which passes through me like a shot of electricity which pierces me from side to side is proof that I am not insensitive to you.
But that's how.
Buddy, friend, girlfriend?
How am I supposed to tell the difference when I've never experienced any of them?
No element of comparison.
Are you the only one who could have helped me understand this void but you left me.
There.
With thoughts, sensations, pain that YOU CREATED.
But why ?
Why do I feel like I'm falling apart?
Solitude is an element that I cherish in my miserable, meaningless life since forever, and I continued to cherish these moments even after you came into my life.
For the first time, I'm alone and I don't like it. My heart is used in a painful contact that I do not appreciate. My vocal throats ask only one thing, that I let it fiber in a noisy roar.
My body is not in sync with my mind.
I want all this to stop.
That you come back
I couldn't stand it any longer.
It's too much.
TOO MUCH
I need THIS TO STOP
I NEED TO UNDERSTAND
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME ?
WHY DON’T I UNDERSTAND ANYTHING?
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