Work Text:
Aziraphale had always been a nervous angel. He was always thinking, mulling over some issue or thinking more than was surely recommended for anyone, so he rarely felt calm. And at that moment, he wasn't calm either. In fact, he felt nerves that he couldn't describe in words, but they felt different from the ones that used to invade his body. But he was busy mentally going over the words that he had previously prepared to give them importance.
He had decided it was time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Crowley. After so long, they both deserved to be able to share their true thoughts regarding everything he had to do with the two of them. And Aziraphale wanted to make it very clear what he felt. He wanted to be able to explain himself, to tell him everything he had been keeping for a long time. And after the unexpected and strange but moving outcome that the situation had had, it was the ideal time. He had it clear after having seen the romantic scene that Gabriel and Beelzebub had shared in front of them, confessing their love before running away together to live their romance. Witnessing that scene had been the incentive to decide to act at once. To stop hiding his feelings for him.
Crowley turned to the angel, looking at him a bit strange when he noticed that he seemed a little restless. Which didn't make much sense considering that everything had ended up being resolved and that they could finally forget about all that happened and continue with their peaceful lives on Earth. Without any amnesiac archangel that could annoy them. So he saw no reason for him to remain uneasy.
"I have to tell you something. Well, I don't have to, but I want to."
"What is it about?" Crowley asked. Suddenly, he was nervous. He didn't know what to think about that. He didn't know what the angel could want to tell him so suddenly, in that situation. And even though he hated feeling like this and would hate it even more if it was obvious, he was eager to know what he was talking about.
"Okay then, uh... Where do I start?" He spoke, hastily, as if in a hurry. This made the demon a little puzzled, but the angel was not able to see the expression on his face because he was busy fiddling with his hands a bit as he worked up the courage to start speaking. To, finally, do what he should have done a long time ago but he had never found the opportunity. Or maybe it had been fear. Or maybe an accumulation of different things, but the point was that all that had dissipated. He had decided it was time to do it and he was going to do it. "I, uh…"
The words were not coming out of his mouth. In fact, he didn't even have them in his head like he had a moment ago, as if he had forgotten everything. The demon remained silent, waiting for him to find the right way to say what he had to say, not wanting to push him. Even when he too was uneasy about the situation. But he didn't want to disturb the conversation further with some interruption, so he just watched him, putting his hands in his pockets not knowing exactly what to do.
"I had... I had this speech in mind." he explained, obviously anxious. The demon looked at him, somewhat concerned by how nervous Aziraphale was. A nervous laugh escaped the angel's lips. "But it has left me. I can't remember a single word…"
The angel had more difficulty expressing himself than he expected. He knew it wouldn't be easy, not when his feelings were so huge, so complex and deep. So long-lived. Something like that sure was going to be hard to put into words. And when he thought that he had achieved it, with that speech he was talking about, the words had ended up dissipating from his mind by having the demon in front of him. He thought that such things were just hyperbole, an exaggeration by humans to project the idea of nerves into romance. But it had just been experienced by him, who was clearly not human. It was real. And he was having the misfortune to experience it. Right at such an important moment.
Crowley was confused. He often was with some of Aziraphale's actions and words, but this time it was different. It wasn't confusion from not understanding what he was saying, but because he wasn't being able to read the environment. He didn't know what was going through his head at that moment or what he was trying to tell him and it made him feel lost.
"A speech? I'm not understanding anything." Why would he need a speech? About what exactly? He never felt so lost in a conversation with the angel. And if he was being honest, that scared him a little in some way.
"I…" he took a breath to calm his nerves, praying for it to work. He needed for that to work or else he would miss the opportunity to open himself with him at last. To be sincere about his feelings, his thoughts, his actions. Every single gesture. Every single thing he had been keeping to himself for that long and Crowley deserved to know. And Aziraphale wanted him to know. "We've known each other for a long time. More than six thousand years. And we have maintained a relationship of... Friendship." the demon's eyes widened in surprise. Aziraphale didn't used to call him friend very often, not even to refer to him in front of other people. He had never asked him why, he had simply assumed that he wasn't entirely comfortable labeling their relationship as friendship because of what it entailed. Because they were natural enemies. Because they shouldn't be friends. The reality was not so far from that, at first it was the reason. But now the angel doubted whether to refer to him as a friend precisely because what he felt could not be classified simply in that way. They were friends, of course, but for Aziraphale, Crowley was much more. "Even when it was unheard of. A demon and an angel? Two natural enemies? It sounds ridiculous. But we've been together for centuries. I mean, not together together, but... You know what I mean, don't you?"
And poor angel, who didn't know that the demon had been thinking that for so long. That his relationship, even if he considered him his only and best friend, couldn't be summed up in something as simple as friendship. Not when he felt something different, more intense, deeper. But he had never tried to define it any other way because of the fear of being too much. Of going too fast. Of loving too much. Of loving him too much.
"I think so." he really did think he understood what he meant. But at the same time, he was so lost in the conversation.
"What I'm trying to say is... I enjoy your company. I always have, even if I shouldn't. "Even if it was against everything I've ever been told. I really enjoy the time we spend together." he emphasized it, even if it was obvious to anyone who saw them. For themselves. Aziraphale made no effort to conceal that he truly found joy in his encounters, in sharing small moments with the demon. And yet, Crowley was again amazed by the angel's words. He had never said them and he would remember it if he had, of course he would remember, explicitly. Of course he could sense that he didn't dislike being with him (or him in general) and Crowley himself had referred to Aziraphale several times as his friend, so he had always assumed that was the case. But hearing it from the angel was something different. Something... Strangely warm. "I... I know I've made mistakes in the past. I've said and done things... Of which I'm not particularly proud. And I'm sorry. But now I've realized that things can be different at last."
"What are you…?" the situation was not becoming clearer at all for the demon. Suddenly the angel was apologizing for things in the past, something that caught him by surprise because of how sudden he was being. And he wasn't understanding what he was trying to get at with those words.
"We've spent the last few days dealing with another one of those surreal situations. And in between we have tried to make two humans fall in love. And I've organized this Jane Austen-inspired ball and… I've given away books. Me. My books. Who would have thought?" The angel smiled at the mention, as he was sure that had been quite surprising for Crowley. And he was absolutely right.
"You surprised me a lot too. I know how much they mean to you. I think that was the most surreal of all." Crowley knew how much love he had for his bookstore and the collection of books it housed, how he never let go of them, and how much it hurt him when he lost it at the hands of the fire years ago. Therefore, he would never have imagined that the angel who protected his possessions so much would end up giving them away to humans for simple favors.
"The thing is... That there is something that means more to me than my books. Someone, rather." The thing was, Aziraphale loved his bookshop. He loved his book collection and would never sell or give them away under any circumstances. However, it wasn't the first time he acted against what he normally would do. Especially when it came to Crowley. If he was involved, Aziraphale was capable of anything. Especially of what he wouldn't normally do. Of lying, of deceiving, of risking his own life. So giving away his books seemed like a small thing compared to what he would be able to do for him.
Sometimes it was scary. It scared him how much he would do for him. But it was natural. He loved him. He loved Crowley more than anything there was. And from that love came that complete devotion that he had developed after so many centuries together. It was just the love he had for him.
"Crowley... I've been doubting for ages. Doubting about what was right and what was wrong, questioning things that I never would have questioned before. And it all started when we met again in Eden. That day changed my entire existence. And you keep changing it constantly." It was immeasurable how much Crowley had changed the angel's life. And although the demon himself could sense that his influence had caused him to see things in different ways, he never expected to hear it come out of the bookseller's mouth. And he was eager to hear more, to know every thought he had in his head about him. About them. And at the same time, he was afraid. He feared it wouldn't be positive. He feared that his heart could not bear what he had to say. But they had been silent for millennia. Maybe it was time to talk and listen. "You changed it when you showed me the pleasure of human food, when you saved me from the Bastille. When you helped me that time in that church. The only thing I could always trust was you. At first it was scary for someone like me. You know me. But now I'm tired of pretending your impact on me is less than it really is. I'm done pretending, about everything. This whole dance thing has been about you, from the beginning."
"About… About me?" Crowley blushed. And the instant he realized it, he put his hand up to his face, covering his mouth and internally cursing for letting his guard down so much. It wasn't something he enjoyed doing, looking this vulnerable. And much less in front of the angel, who was watching him with such attention. He was sure that with that way of observing him he hadn't overlooked a single detail of every reaction he had had in that last minute.
Aziraphale, for his part, was fascinated as he watched the demon's face turn red. He didn't think it could cause such a cute reaction. Because honestly, he didn't know Crowley could make an expression like that. In all those years he had never seen him have to hide his face from him because of his redness. Even when he thought he had seen it all, he always ended up surprising him again and again with something new, something different.
"Perhaps I hoped that while we were dancing, like in the books, you would end up falling in love with me. Or I don't know, maybe I just wanted to dance with you. That's why I was willing to give away my books in order to organize it. For you." He spoke like a hopeless romantic. And deep down that was what they were, both of them. Two hopeless romantics who had dedicated themselves to organizing the most romantic plans they could think of to make two humans fall in love and they had done it with a huge smile on their lips. Because they were two beings who enjoyed love. And now that love, finally, could be for them.
Crowley was speechless. He didn't know how he could respond to all that was reaching his ears in such a short period of time. Plus, Aziraphale kept talking and talking without giving him a chance to process it (or at least that was the impression he had), which made the task difficult. He would never have imagined that he would be able to organize a cotillion ball just for him. For dancing with him. For Satan's sake, he didn't even know he danced. He had thought of every detail and organized it with such determination just because he wanted to have that romantic moment with him. How much of an idiot could Aziraphale be? And how stupidly blind could Crowley be to not realize it? In his defense, it was a difficult thing to predict. But anyway, now that he knew, he wished he had known sooner and been able to fully enjoy the dance. Even with a horde of demons outside the bookstore (although it might have been complicated).
"And I wouldn't tell you all this if I didn't think we have a chance. Like Beelzebub and Gabriel." Both had witnessed the unexpected but genuine and pure love that had been born between their respective former bosses. They had seen with their own eyes how this love had sprouted and blossomed into a beautiful flower whose nature went beyond the sides from which each one came. How they held hands and without looking back they left what they had been for centuries and centuries, burying the hatchet, to be only them. Them and nothing else. "If they can be with each other despite being hereditary enemies, why can't we?"
Aziraphale felt more hopeful than he had in centuries. His love for Crowley had always been something that had caused him internal conflict. A war against himself, between morality and feelings, between head and heart. Even if he had accepted that he loved Crowley, he had never fully allowed himself to embrace those feelings for the demon. Even when they had been removed from their respective sides and he had been somewhat less defensive, some doubt still resided in him. And now that they had seen how Gabriel and Beelzebub lived their love freely, he could finally let himself be carried away by his love for Crowley. Finally he could feel it completely, without all that fear that was busy clouding his vision to prevent him from seeing what was right in front of him. Crowley. His happiness.
"I think it's obvious how I feel about you at this point." he laughed from nervousness, playing with his hands while waiting for Crowley to say something. But he was astonished.
"Well…" even so, Crowley had doubts. Not that he wanted them, of course. He would like to be sure that he had perfectly understood that this was a confession of love on Aziraphale's part. But he needed confirmation. He needed it after so long without saying things out loud, without giving them names. And besides, just for once, he would like to hear his angel say what he really thought, what he really felt. Let him put it into words that could be meant to be heard. And of course, Aziraphale had no problem to do so. In fact, he was eager to say what he had been keeping to himself for a long time. Since the church incident of 1941. Maybe even before.
But now he knew with certainty that there was no better occasion to say it.
"I love you, Crowley. I always have and always will."
Three small words with a meaning so enormous that they could barely contain it. They were unable to sum up everything he had been feeling all those centuries, but in the end he wanted him to know that it all came to that conclusion. To love. A great, deep and sincere love. As pure as possible. Long-lived and eternal. Ineffable.
Crowley had been holding back for a while. Trying to take in what he was hearing, not interrupting him, not saying anything about it so he could give him his full attention. He had been trying to stay calm and collected as much as possible for a long time. But he couldn't take it anymore. As soon as the bookseller expressed his desire to be with him, he couldn't help himself. In a swift movement, he broke the distance that separated them by wrapping his arms tightly around Aziraphale's body. He wanted to hold him in his arms, close to him, he wanted it so bad. And he needed it. He needed it to regain strength. He needed it to be able to continue standing up, because he felt that his strength was failing like never before. Because Aziraphale was the source of his strength. He had always been, even when the angel himself had left him without on occasion.
He was always the one who picked him up again when he was plunged into the darkest pit.
That gesture cut off the angel's breath for an instant. He had not expected that reaction. And after a couple of seconds of perplexity, he responded to the gesture, encircling the demon's waist delicately, burying his face in the other's shoulder. It was such a strangely comforting feeling. He had never felt warmth from anyone on that level. It was so intimate, so…different. He felt a new sensation in his chest. And he felt so safe in Crowley's arms that he felt he could stay there forever. He took a deep breath, as he hadn't been able to do in all the time he'd been talking. And he felt that he was no longer drowning in his own words, as if he had just come out from under the water. That was Crowley to him.
The air entering his lungs when he felt like he was choking.
"That's what I've been wanting for so long. To spend eternity with you... It's the only thing I've wanted for ages." he confessed, with a somewhat broken tone of voice. The redhead felt that all of this was too much and that he would end up overflowing all those emotions in the form of tears, feeling a lump form in his throat. But for the first time in a long time, perhaps in his entire existence, the cry that wanted to come out of him was pure happiness. After so much time keeping quiet about his feelings for him, always observing him while keeping a distance. Now he had finally been able to share his greatest wish, the only one he had had for more than six thousand years. The one that he had had to repress in one way or another due to circumstances, for not going too fast or simply out of fear. He felt relieved to finally be able to talk about it out loud. About his dreams, his desires. His love. And it was mutual.
Aziraphale, his angel, despite everything, loved him. And he felt like the luckiest bastard in the galaxy.
Aziraphale felt his chest fill with pure joy. Knowing that his feelings were reciprocated and that nothing could come between them was the most gratifying feeling he had ever felt. Because he had wanted the same thing for longer than he even knew. For longer than he had allowed himself to even want it. And now Crowley had just told him that he shared that longing. He was the happiest and luckiest angel in the whole universe.
"You can start by moving in here and stop living in your car." it caught Crowley completely off guard. The angel looked at him, waiting for some kind of explanation from him, but the demon didn't know what to say.
"Ah, yes, about that…" what could he say about it? There was no explanation where he didn't sound like a complete dork. And he was still feeling a little bit distracted because of all that confession coming from Aziraphale so suddenly.
"You could have told me something. You should have." Aziraphale felt a little guilty knowing that (although he had actually had a hard time processing that information because he was somewhat distracted when Crowley mentioned it) even if there was no way he could know if the demon didn't tell him. And Crowley hadn't because he sounded pretty pathetic in his head. In addition, he did not want the angel, moved by the compassion and kindness that characterized him, to offer him a place to stay. He didn't want it to be about that. And he also didn't know if he would have been able to share the same space with Aziraphale for so long without feeling a little bit overwhelmed. Anyway, that was going to end that day because the angel was not going to let his demon live in those conditions if he could help it.
"It's not easy to say something like that… We'll talk about it later." he decided to postpone that conversation, even if the angel didn't seem to agree too much with it. But for the moment he relented, knowing that they would eventually return to that topic. Because Aziraphale wasn't going to let Crowley act like nothing happened now that he knew. He didn't want him to continue sleeping in his car when in his bookstore there would always be a place reserved for him and only him. Always. "Now there's something I'm looking forward to another thing to do."
"Going to the Ritz?" he tried to guess, completely right. Although he wasn't surprised at all, knowing very well how special was that specific restaurant to them.
"You sure know me."
"I think by the time we get there, there will be a table for two." Aziraphale smiled a somewhat playful smile, the kind he did from time to time when he worked a somewhat selfish miracle. He opened the door to the bookstore, stepping aside right after. "After you."
The two walked towards the Bentley, which was waiting patiently at the door as usual, starting the moment it saw them. Crowley opened the door to the driver's seat, getting in right after.
"Ah and, Aziraphale." he called, feigning a disinterested and indifferent tone even though inside he was dying of nerves. And in his head maybe he pretended to be calm very well, but it was quite evident that from the outside you could see his lack of calm.
"Yes, dear?"
"I love you, too." he said. It was something that was so obvious. Crowley had never been very good at hiding the love he felt for Aziraphale. He wasn't really looking for it either. What he had never done was say it directly, without detours. And much less to the angel himself. It was something so new to him that he had to look away, focusing on the road even if the car was still stopped in place. It was overwhelming. And he knew that Aziraphale knew it without needing to say it so directly, but for some reason he wanted to. Maybe so that there were no doubts. Or maybe because he wanted to get rid of that weight that he had in his chest. Or maybe he just wanted to share the love he felt for Aziraphale. Finally, after so long. But it was embarrassing for someone who wasn't used to say things out loud, such as Crowley was. "Get in, angel."
The smile that spread across Aziraphale's lips and reached his eyes spoke for itself. He got into the car, sitting right next to the redhead. And the angel looked at him, with eyes as bright as two stars. The most beautiful stars, the ones Crowley still had the pleasure of seeing up close. The demon didn't need anything else in response. Even so, the angel took the liberty of taking his face in his hands for a brief moment to leave a small and sweet kiss on the demon's lips. A gesture that the demon wasn't expecting at all, and his nervous reaction was so evident that the angel had to hide his laughter the best he could. Although in the end he didn't make it. Aziraphale found his expression very funny (and totally adorable). Crowley was almost as red as his own hair, feeling dizzy, with his heart beating so fast he thought it would explode.
And even if Crowley was totally ashamed of being so weak when it came to Aziraphale, he didn't mind hearing him laugh either. He liked it when he did it. But before getting lost in his thoughts as usual, he decided that it was better that he start driving towards the restaurant so as not to waste any more time.
Although now, at last, they had every second in the world. All eternity to dedicate to the other.
A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square played as they headed to the Ritz.
And they made a toast, just like they did the last time they were there.
"To us?" proposed Crowley, with a soft but noticeable smile drawn on his lips while looking lovingly at his angel. Aziraphale smiled back, staring fondly at Crowley. Smiling at each other, fingers intertwined while holding hands on the table. Nothing had really changed between them, it was just as usual. And at the same time, everything changed. Everything became brighter than ever, as if their love was glowing all over the place. Stronger than ever.
"To us."
But this time, to them. And from that day on, they would celebrate their love in every drink, at every dinner. In every look, in every smile, in every kiss, in every gesture. In every shared moment.