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Katsuki is a great fucking adult, the best even, he does his taxes, hell he even does the whole Bakusquad’s because he doesn’t “want them to go to jail for fucking tax evasion”
So imagine his surprise when in the mail he receives a letter from the tax agency because he overpaid his taxes. Now of course it’s a matter of pride, Katsuki goes over his calculations again, sure he made no mistake.
He decides to call the tax agency to assure them he NEVER makes mistakes.
“Oh yes, I see in our systems you got married a year ago, congratulations! That means you get a tax discount, that’s why it appears you overpaid this year sir.” Says the customer service agent with a fake cheery voice.
“I’m not married! You guys fucked up.” Katsuki says, vindicated that he didn’t make any mistakes.
“Your name is Bakugou Katsuki, right? I can see your marriage certificate, and you indeed got married about a year ago.” Repeats the customer service agent, visibly more frustrated by the insistence of the customer.
“I think I’d remember if I had a fucking wedding,” Katsuki says between gritted teeth, starting to get angry.
“…Sir, I can see in public records that on 17/07/20XX you married Midoriya Izuku now Bakugou Izuku, if you had a divorce maybe it hasn’t gon-“
“D-did you just say Midoriya Izuku?” Katsuki stutters, interrupting the other person on the line.
“…yes…?” The girl on the other side of the call says uncertainty.
Katsuki hangs up. He pulls up public records himself and sure enough there is his marriage certificate where Izuku took his last name, and now is legally Bakugou Izuku, apparently for a year.
“Motherfucker.” Of course, bullshit like this follows Katsuki when Deku is concerned. He runs to Izuku’s place, fuming all the way to the other hero’s building, where once outside the apartment door Katsuki notices the mail is sticking out of the mailbox. In a moment of impulse, he picks up the envelopes and reads through them.
“Bakugou Izuku, Bakugou Izuku, this fucking idiot…” Katsuki mutters as he flips through the mail.
“Dekuuuu!!!” Katsuki pounds on the apartment’s door roughly. “Deku, fucking open up!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming!” Izuku’s voice is heard from inside. “Kacchan w-“
Katsuki wastes no time and interrupts whatever Izuku is going to say. “Apparently a year ago we got fucking married.” Katsuki shows the marriage certificate on his phone to Deku.
“What?!”
Katsuki explained everything. “…and just now I looked through your mail and it’s all addressed to Bakugou Izuku, how the fuck did you miss that for over a year?!”
“Oh my god, so we’re legally married?!” Deku says holding the phone with the marriage certificate in a stupor.
“Somehow!!” Bakugou flips his hands upward in frustration.
“W-when did this even happen?!”
They look at the date and try to figure out if someone forged their signatures
There is the possibility that someone forged their signatures, though with what end? Both search up the date in the certificate to try and figure out when this allegedly happened.
They remember that day a big sting operation in Yumeshima island, the gambling and casino capital of Japan, had just ended and a few of their friends were there, they had just missed Izuku’s 20th birthday because of the operation so they decided to celebrate there.
And everyone got really really drunk, both Izuku and Katsuki themselves blacked out.
“So we got married then?” Izuku asks.
“It appears so.” Katsuki says while trying to remember that particular day.
“How did we not know until now? I mean at least one of our friends has to have remembered.” Izuku reasons
Katsuki got angry “if one of those fuckers hid it from us I’m going to explode them.”
They call Uraraka first and she answers quickly. “Sorry Deku-kun! I can’t remember anything from that night either.” She apologized, and they both also remembered she had been really drunk that time too.
Then Kirishima; “What? Those weddings aren’t fake?! They had Michael Jackson officiating, that can’t be legal!!!” Katsuki berated him for a solid 20 minutes for being dumb.
Todoroki; “Wait, so you guys aren’t together? I thought you just decided to get married, that’s why I bought you that blender you wanted Bakugou.” He says innocently.
Shinsou; “oh yeah, I just thought it was the funniest shit ever. I even kept the original certificate.” He states proudly once asked as if he had been waiting for it for a while.
“So you’ve been sitting on this for a year?!” Deku says incredulously.
“Yeah,” Shinso confirms. “I mean, I didn’t think you would take this long to realize, Midoriya, or should I say Bakugou?” He laughs at Izuku’s obliviousness to his name change.
“IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!!” Katsuki bellows at the phone, explosions already popping around.
“Come on Bakugou, let’s not fight, I wouldn’t want to leave Izuku a widow.” Shinso says smugly between titters.
“MOTHERFU-“
“Besides, just get a divorce, you haven’t been married long so you won’t have to legally separate your things or anything” as many things new heroes two years out of high school could have.
“That’s not the point Hitoshi-kun!” Deku exclaims.
“Let’s just hope Katsuki won’t be the bitter ex-husband type.” Shinso aggravates the blonde.
“FUCK YOU, droopy eyes! No one would even want to divorce me in the first place!” Katsuki screams at the phone over Shinso’s laugh.
They decide to sort the legal shit on their next day off, or they would have if the news didn’t leak to the press just a day later
‘Pro hero Deku and Pro hero Dynamight MARRIED FOR OVER A YEAR?!’
“Motherfucker!” Katsuki groans as he reads the news premises on his phone. “Why the fuck is this shit already hitting the media, we just found out yesterday. Did fucking Mindfuck leak it?”
“I don’t think so, Kacchan, I mean, he has been sitting on this for over a year, if he wanted to leak it he would’ve done it ages ago.” Deku defends Shinso.
“Oh my god, it could have been that customer service asshole.” Just then Katsuki’s phone rings. “Oh, shit! It’s PR.”
Startled, Izuku gets closer to his hero partner to hear the call, which Katsuki answers and turns on the speaker.
“Hello Dynamight-san?” The PR agent says in a monotone voice.
“Yes, I’m here with Deku too.” The statement is direct because Katsui wants this shit over as soon as possible. “I’ll be honest, this is all a misunderstanding.”
“So you and Deku-san are not married?” She says almost relieved.
“...Legally speaking we are, it was a mistake, we were both drunk, but we can get a quiet divorce and keep on silently.” Katsuki offers, for the first time in his life to be polite as he is contractually obligated to do as the PR agent says.
“Then why, if you both think it was a mistake, are you not divorced yet?” she is right, no normal person would be able to avoid the fact that they are newly married for a year.
“...Unfortunately we were both too drunk to remember the ceremony, we only just recently found out.” Izuku tries to justify.
“Sadly there are quite a few problems with this, in your contract you are required to inform us of any civil status changes, which you didn’t accidentally or not.” She reminds them of the breach of contract clause. “Thus, to keep appearances for the agency and yours as heroes as well you will have to maintain this marriage act for at least half a year, before you can legally divorce.”
“What?!” Katsuki exclaims.”Why for so long? the media will forget about this eventually, it certainly won’t take six fucking months!”
“If you get divorced so quickly after the public finds out they will be suspicious, if you do so later, you can say the media placed pressure on your relationship and you weren’t ready.” The agent argues back.
As much as Katsuki wants to argue he can’t find any flaw in the plan.
“You will also have to maintain the image of a couple in love for a while now.” She continues. “So please keep it together until this blows over.”
They both accept in the end.
The uncomfortable calls don’t stop, their mothers call next.
Inko is wailing. “Izuku baby, why didn’t you tell me you got married to Katsuki-kun! You didn’t even invite me to your wedding!” Inko cries as Deku tries to console her, to no avail.
Unfortunately, Katsuki doesn’t escape that fate either.
“You fucking brat, you didn’t have the fucking decency to invite your own mother to your wedding to Izuku-kun, do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this?!” Mitsuki says, aggravated.
“Fuck you hag, this is exactly why I didn’t fucking invite you!” Katsuki replies, just to spite her.
There is a lull where both Izuku and Katsuki carry on as if the media wasn’t freaking out on the news of their marriage. However that peace is short-lived, the media starts getting suspicious because they don’t live together and don’t do PDA.
After a fight, a reporter stops Katsuki as he tries to exit the scene.
“Dynamight! Dynamight! Why do you and your husband Hero Deku don’t live together?!” The reporter shoves the microphone on the blonde hero’s face.
Katsuki, surprised by the question, stops on his tracks, now under pressure because he can’t just carry on once he has stopped, and that added to the fact if he doesn’t answer correctly the public might get suspicious about the fake relationship. “We don’t live together yet because…we are saving for a house, it’s…uh…cheaper to keep the places we are living in now, but since they are too small for the both of us we decided to stay like this for the time being.” His response sounds robotic, even though he didn’t ever rehearse it.
The reporter huffs, unsatisfied by his answer, perhaps not as juicy as they wanted. “Why then aren’t you as affectionate in public as a couple should be?!” They say as if they had cornered Katsuki.
“We like to maintain a professional image in public, our romantic relationship has nothing to do with our hero work, and we keep it separate.” This was the calmest Katsuki had ever been in an interview, turns out the more panicked he is the more calm he appears.
Kirishima, one of the heroes aiding in the previous fight, smirks at Katsuki as the reporters go away. “Awww bro! That’s so cute, you and your husband are saving for your dream house!” He chuckles.
Katsuki punches Kirishima’s arm. “Shut the fuck up!” Unable to say more, and risk blowing their cover.
After that incident, PR demands Deku and Bakugou be more affectionate and despite many protests from both they are stuck staging a kissing photo for their agency to “leak”, the whole ordeal is very uncomfortable.
“Ok, let’s just fucking do this so we can go on with our day and not have to repeat this.” Katski says with a frustrated sigh.
“R-right.” Izuku says, trembling slightly in anticipation, anxiety, and even excitement.
The kiss is soft, caring, and even affectionate. The best kiss Izuku has ever had with anyone, though one could argue it is due to the kisser being Deku’s longtime crush. When they break the kiss Izuku’s eyes water, this is the closest he is ever going to be to Kacchan, and it is all fake. The notion breaks his heart and he runs away.
Katsuki saw Izuku’s watery eyes as he ran away, and afraid he had made the other uncomfortable he chased after the other hero.
“Deku! Deku, wait!” Katsuki runs after Deku and into a closet in the studio where they had been taking photos.
“K-Kacchan,” Deku sobs. “Ple-please, leave me alone for a minute, I-I’ll be out soon.” The tears kept flowing down his face.
“Not until you tell me what is wrong!” The blond says with conviction. “Just tell me what’s wrong. Was the kiss that bad? I’m s-”
“No! That’s the problem?” Izuku says.
“What? The problem is the kiss wasn’t bad?” Katsuki tries to understand. “Why is that a-”
“I can’t do this!” Izuku snaps. “I can’t do this when I know it’s all fake!” He continues to cry frustrated tears. “I can’t kiss you while knowing it’s not real, and that it’s never going to be real.”
“So the problem is it’s not real?” Katsuki wears a serious expression as he looks at Izuku’s green eyes. “Because if that’s it we can just make it real.”
“What?” Izuku says in a whisper as Katsuki’s gorgeous face gets closer to his own.
“It’s a problem for me too.” Bakugou admits, cradling Izuku’s cheek in his hand. “So let’s just fix it, from now on, everything I do with you is real.”
Their lips crash this time with more sincerity. They slide lovingly with one another and their need to get closer is fulfilled by wandering hands as their tongues battle for dominance.
They never end up getting that divorce.