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It's about 7:30 in the morning, Cas is running his fingers through Deanna's hair when she says the words she's been waiting her whole life for.
"I want to dress like a girl."
Cas furrows his eyebrows at her, leaning down slightly so he can look at her, he's been really into looking at her lately. She doesn't understand why. She's just a man masquerading as a woman, there's not much you can find to love about that.
"You're pretty as you are, Deedee, but if you want to go shopping I'll go with you."
Deanna leans into Cas's chest, wrapping her entire body around him, her legs far more muscular than she finds feminine, Cas assures her that her thighs make great pillows.
Her arms are toned, strong and manly, Cas doesn't let her open jars anymore, Deanna calls him sexist, Cas shakes his head and kisses her forehead. She doesn't mind the princess treatment.
"I want to wear a dress.". She's firm in her statement, tone certain, she wants to be pretty.
Cas continues running his hands through her hair, she hasn't had a haircut in a while, the top half floppy blonde waves with twinges of silver. She doesn't think it's long enough for her to pass. Cas calls her his wife at every opportunity.
She sighs as Cas hugs her closer, a faint blush across her cheeks. Cas makes her feel pretty, makes her feel like a woman, makes her feel like her.
The full length mirror Cas insisted on buying when they moved out of the bunker into their own house haunts her, she's certain it's secondhand from a funhouse. Her hips are square, no curves at all, shoulders broad and muscles taught. She looks like a man. In her plain jeans and flannel shirts, tank tops and band tees a couple sizes too big to hide the lack of chest. She's scared she'll always look like a man.
Deanna lets Cas pet her slowly growing hair for another half an hour before she's dragging him out of bed so they can beat the rush of people at the stores. Cas tells her that they have quite literally all the time in the world, Deanna rolls her eyes and pulls open the top drawer of her dresser.
Her manly clothes stare back. Greys and reds, blacks and whites, muted beyond belief. Deanna wishes there was more purple, more yellow, more bright colours. She wishes there were more skirts, more blouses, more polka dots and stripes. Something new, something nice. Something feminine.
She's been waiting years, months, days, for this opportunity. Gazing longingly at the windows of dress stores, "accidentally" wandering into the women's section when she and Sam used to go shopping for hunts.
Cas winds his arms around her waist, pressing a gentle kiss to her neck.
“You okay, Deedee?”. Cas hums, sensing there’s something underlying all of this.
“Do you think Sam will think this is gross?”
Deanna had made the decision to avoid coming out to her little brother as long as possible. Cas pressed gentle kisses to the crown of her head and told her that Sam had bigger things to worry about, main thing being Eileen, who was currently about 4 months along in her pregnancy. Sam had called Dean crying weeks ago, telling her that he was going to be a father. Deanna cried with him. She doesn’t think it’s worth telling him that she’s not going to be an uncle for their baby, no matter how much she wants to be an aunt.
“Sam won’t care, he wants you to be happy,”. A gentle hand brushes a few stray strands of hair out of her face, tucking them behind her ear. “I want you to be happy, Deanna.”
Cas is right, Deanna knows he is. Knows that Sam wouldn’t care if she dressed in a skirt or a pair of worn down jeans. She knows he wouldn’t care and would be happy she trusted him if anything. She just doesn’t know if their relationship will change. If Sam will slip up and out her, or if Eileen will reject her, and Sam and her will fight, and Eileen will leave with their baby. And Deanna will never have another chance to be an aunt or an uncle.
“You need to get out of your own head, it’s not the brightest of places in there,”. Cas’s voice is soft in the shell of her ear as he leads them over to the detested full length mirror. Deanna’s face scrunches up in disgust as she takes in the masculinity carved into the very lines of her soul. She was never meant to be a woman, she was never meant to be anything.
“You’re beautiful, Deanna,”. Cas intertwines their fingers. “I have been alive for centuries, ever since the world first began. I have watched civilizations rise and fall, I have watched births and deaths, but, I have also seen you.”
Deanna meets his gaze in the mirror.
“Amongst everything I have seen, you will always remain the most beautiful thing.”
Cas sways them back and forth, Deanna can’t help but crack a smile at her lover, she may not think she’s beautiful, but Cas thinks she is. And she can’t argue with Cas.
“When do the stores open?”. She hums, attempting to make her voice higher, lighter, a bit more airy. Cas ignores the question, his warmth leaving her back for as long as it takes for him to practically skip towards the record player they keep in the corner of their room, along with all of Cas’s vinyls, Deanna may think that cassettes will forever be one of the greatest forms of listening, but Cas fell in love with the small birch player, and she just had to buy him a couple vinyls to go along with it.
“Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel blasts out of their speakers as Cas claps his hands and Deanna turns around to look at him.
“Come dance with me,”. Cas holds out his hand, and Deanna can’t help the genuine smile that cracks across her face as she takes it and is almost immediately twirled. Cas plays “their song” everytime he suspects Deanna is being too hard on herself, singing along to the lyrics as he pulls her along in a dance with no specific moves. She loves it, mostly because it makes Cas so happy when they dance together, but also because it reminds her of just how much Cas loves her. Sue her if that’s corny, she loves him back.
Cas manages to get her to slip into a pair of jeans that aren’t oil or dirt stained, she suspects that they’re his but he shushes all of her accusations. Cas tugs off her sleep shirt and pulls a faded Led Zeppelin shirt onto her instead. He dresses soon after and makes her dance along to the rest of the album before she manages to get them both out of the bedroom so they can eat a quick breakfast before they go.
It’s closer to 12 when Deanna sets a plate of waffles in front of Cas, he smiles dangerously and that’s all the warning she gets before she’s being pulled into an unnecessarily syrupy kiss. She smiles into it as she licks the remaining syrup off her angel’s lips. Cas holds her close by the back of her head as he kisses her like they just found out the world was ending again. She leans into it but inevitably pulls away so she can eat her own breakfast. She can see Cas smile into his cup of coffee and it makes her smile too. If you had told her five years ago that she would be here, next to the one she loves most, she would probably shoot you, but she’d be very shocked as well.
Cas stands up to take their plates to the sink and Deanna stares at Sam’s contact in her phone. She should tell him, he needs to know. She’s fought monsters, demons, even God, and this is still the most terrifying thing she thinks she’s ever looked in the face.
Cas is humming as he rinses off their dishes to put in the dishwasher when Deanna begins typing.
“Sam, I know you’re probably busy with Eileen but there’s something I need to tell you and it’s important.”
He doesn’t respond, so she keeps typing.
“I’m a woman, have been for a while, I’m fairly certain you know what women are. I’m sorry to dump this on you, especially with a baby on the way and all, I just thought you would want to know.
-Deanna(your sister).”
She can hear her heartbeat pound as she presses send and slams her phone onto the table. Cas turns around quickly, alarmed by the sound. Deanna hides her head in her crossed arms as she rests them on the table.
“Deedee?”. Cas runs over to her, carding his fingers through her hair when she doesn’t move. She mumbles something to her forearms.
Cas picks up her phone, screen still on. The texts stand bravely against the white background of the app. He looks down at her.
“Oh,”. He whispers, folding himself across her, kissing every inch of skin that he can, rubbing his hands on her shoulders. “I’m proud of you.”
Deanna feels as if she can hear her entire world falling apart around her as Cas holds her close. What if Sam cuts contact completely and they never talk again? What if Sam says that he’s disgusted by this? What if Sam lashes out at her and Cas. What if, what if, what if.
“Let’s go shopping, Dee,”. Cas whispers into her hair, attempting to distract her. “Let’s go look at pretty dresses, and blouses, and skirts, and whatever else you want to see.”
“You treat me too nicely,”. Deanna mumbles, fingernails digging into her forearms. Cas carefully lifts her phone from the table and slides it into the pocket of his jeans.
“I’d hang the stars all over again for you, Deanna.”
She smiles softly, lifting her head, face slightly wet as she wipes at her cheeks.
“Let’s go shopping, Cas.”
It’s after Cas herds her into the passenger side of his car and insists on buckling her in himself that she realizes that her phone is not in any of her pockets, she looks towards Cas, a questioning look on her face. He just shakes his head and starts the car.
“Uptown Girl” jumps out of the radio, and Deanna leans her head against the window. It's cold and not very comfortable at all, but she sits through it regardless, childlike excitement bubbling in her stomach. She imagines herself twirling around their bedroom as Cas holds her hands and allows himself to be pulled along with her. Shoulderless, strapless, Maxi, or ruffled, she’d wear them all. If only to feel pretty.
The department store Cas pulls into is white, brown, and grey, but most importantly, there’s hardly any spaces that fit the car. There are windows that reach all the way up to the top, to the bottom again, an ageless building that has housed many separate businesses. Deanna’s brows furrow as Cas finally parks the car next to a young woman around the age of twenty-five, her face is brushed lightly with makeup, her eyes blue and her skin fair. Deanna’s skin is old and lived-in, far less smooth and fair. She knows it’s unfair on herself to compare her body to women younger than her, but she can’t help it. She can’t help but wish she were them.
“Ready to go in, Deedee?”. Cas says carefully, opening his door so he can walk over to Deanna’s side and open hers for her. He blocks her view from the woman while she smiles faintly and steps out of the car.
She takes the initiative to fold their hands together this time, leaning into her lover’s side as they walk as slow as they want towards the entrance of the building. Deanna’s stomach hurts, twists and turns as a few women stop and stare at them, and she loathes Cas for choosing a department store known for women’s clothing their very first stop.
The inside is blindingly white, dirtied tiles, damaged from thousands of feet walking across them on a daily basis. The lights hum, and the clocks tick, Cas pulls her close as she looks around nervously.
And then she sees it. A simple sundress with straps that tie into bows on the top of the shoulder, marigold in colour, small white flowers decorating the entire dress, the bottom of the dress is gentle and flowy, and Deanna can just see herself twirling across the house in it. It’s perfect.
“Cas,”. She says, nearly breathless. “That one.”
He follows where she’s pointing with her finger and smiles, a bright loving smile reserved just for her.
“It’s gorgeous.”
She nods as she pulls him along to take a closer look at it. It’s on sale, surprisingly not an overly popular item, and Deanna quickly picks one in her size, holding the fabric in her hands like there’s gold weaved into the very seams. She needs it, she needs it like she needs air.
“Uhm, excuse me?”. A nasally voice interrupts her pure joy, catching her attention as she turns around to look at whoever it came from.
A small, stout woman stands in front of her, hair curled across her shoulders, face wrinkled up like an angry cat about to strike, she’s practically clutching the pearls laid on her neck, deathgrip of her crocodile skin purse.
“Can we help you?”. Cas looks her up and down, easily stepping in front of Deanna, putting a wall between them.
“Yes, actually,”. She leans to the side to look at Deanna as she holds the dress close to her body. “I was just wondering what two men were doing in a store clearly meant for women.”
Deanna can feel her heart sink to the balls of her feet at the same time Cas’s entire being prickles with barely contained rage.
“My wife and I were shopping,”. His voice is flat and furious beyond Deanna has seen in a while.
She backs up slightly in disgust, hand raising to clutch at her bag with both hands.
“You are disgusting,”. She murmurs as Deanna places a hand on Cas’s shoulder. “I have children, just a few aisles over, and here you are. Standing like the pervert you are.”
There’s a demonic hiss in her voice as the world around Deanna starts to ring, Cas bristles as he walks towards her.
“And you’re not? You’re not disgusting for insulting my wife when she did nothing to you? You’re not disgusting for going out of your way to be hateful towards someone you don’t even bother getting to know?”
She scoffs, looking Cas up and down as she walks away, the heels strapped to her feet painfully small, and Deanna can tell that she’s been divorced by the faint tan line of a ring on her left hand. Cas watches her leave as Deanna quietly stands by the table she had pulled the dress off of.
“Maybe we should leave, Cas.”
The man in question whirls around, his eyes saddened.
“We’re not leaving just because of some bitch, you want to shop, let’s shop,”. He pulls her into his arms, the dress between them.
She leans into it before pulling away and smiling at Cas, turning around to look across the store. She tugs him towards the skirt section with a giddy grin on her face.
“Uptown Girl” fades into a different song as she gazes at a few skirts that line the mannequins in the middle of the store, Cas holds her other hand as she holds the dress tight with the other. He grabs each skirt she looks at the longest. Purples and pinks, mediums and lights, striped and spotted, flowered and plain.
Happy with her skirt choices, she pulls him towards the shirts, the smile never leaving her face as Cas laughs and kisses her as she falls in love with the options she has. She’s never had an opportunity like this before, never really had her own clothes. Hand-me-downs from John, suits and ties and button-ups for FBI cases, torn and used boots. She scoops blouses and patterned shirts up and places them into the cart Cas got for them, she’s careful to not get too many clothes, Cas picks them up as soon as she looks away.
She comes to a dead halt when they suddenly reach the undergarment section of the store. She gazes longingly at the bras that line the wall, the words of the woman from earlier echo in her head, and she comes to the conclusion that this may be a step she just can’t take yet.
Deanna looks down at the floor, scuffing it lightly with the toe of her shoe, a habit John would consistently shame her for. Cas gently grabs onto her elbow, pulling her to face him.
“We can say they’re for your sister if you want to go in and look?”
Deanna considers it, leaning towards him slightly.
“I want to,”. She whispers. “I really want to.”
She feels guilty as they walk into the section of the store and Cas flags down an employee, telling them they were shopping for her sister and rattling off Deanna’s measurements, the employee smiles a bright customer service smile and grabs them a couple bras from different categories. Lacy, casual, bright pink, skin toned, Cas puts them all in a basket Deanna doesn’t remember him grabbing and thanks her profusely as he hands the basket to her.
She gazes down at the garments as he leads them back to the front of the store, getting them a spot in line at the registers. Deanna can feel her world shine with a brand new light as everything dawns on her, she’s buying women’s clothing, with Cas, and it’s okay. She’s okay.
She can’t help smiling as Cas puts everything onto the counter and puts away the small black basket he had put it in. He doesn’t let her pull out her wallet when the cashier turns the card machine towards them, Deanna pulls him in for a kiss as soon as they get out of the store and away from prying eyes.
“Thank you,”. She says as they climb into Cas’ car, the bags in the backseat.
Cas only smiles, driving the short distance back to the home while Led Zeppelin hums out of the speakers. Deanna sings along and nods her head, Cas tries his hardest, but mostly just smiles.
He gives her phone back when the clothes are in the wash and she’s laying on the couch. Sam messaged her back while they were in the store. Cas sits next to her, pulling her into his chest as she opens the conversation.
“Thank you for trusting me with this Deanna :), I offer you my full support.
(P.S, is it alright if we call you Auntie Deanna?)”
Deanna feels tears dampen her eyes as she laughs and leans into Cas’s arms and lets him read the message. He cheers with her and picks her up off the couch so he can spin them around. Deanna laughs and wraps her arms around his shoulders.
In the months to come, they’ll be an Aunt and an Uncle, and she’ll get to wear as many dresses as she pleases.
She can’t help but smile as Cas holds her close and presses kisses to her face.