Chapter Text
Lan Qiren has always been stubborn. Even when he tries to follow all of his sect’s rules, he still doesn’t like to admit when he is wrong. So, it is only on his deathbed that he really lets himself regret his past doings.
He doesn’t regret everything, of course. Although he never wanted to be sect leader nor have children, he can’t say he didn’t enjoy watching Xichen and Wangji grow up to be fine men. As well as seeing their clan thrive even after the difficulties they experienced.
However, he does feel some remorse about the way he educated them. Xichen is a good politician, he’s very social and has a good heart, but he is too naïve when it comes to people’s intentions, they take advantage of him. Qiren suspects it’s because he felt responsible for most of Wangji’s needs while growing up, so he started to feel responsible for everyone later on.
Qiren knew this before but never felt the need to correct his behavior, as he thought Xichen to be untouchable by most. Then a Jin bastard proved him wrong and left his nephew with an immense grief that seemed never ending.
And then there was Wangji. Qiren admits he was much stricter with him. Since his nephew was little, he knew that he had his dad’s tendency to develop a deep bond with some people. And it was proven when he couldn’t stop grieving his mom even after years passed. Qiren took this as a sign to encourage him to be more self-controlled. To obey the rules without even questioning them, doing so would be a great risk.
Qiren’s brother used to question the rules all the time. He made sure Wangji would not do the same.
Now he regrets it. He could have never predicted it would result in a socially awkward teenager, a barely communicative young man (who didn’t stand up in the side of justice because of what Qiren made him think was right), and then a grieving adult.
Yes, after Wei Wuxian’s death Wangji was always trustworthy, reliable. He had a child and helped the ones who needed it most. But he was depressed. And Qiren never cared to do something about it, he even added to his pain with 33 lashes! All because of his hatred for someone his nephew’s age. Or rather, for said person’s mother.
Lan Qiren never really hated Cangse Sanren. He didn’t love her either. He was just jealous. Now he can admit it. He was jealous that she wasn’t restrained by a huge number of rules. That she could carry out all the experiments Qiren wasn’t allowed to do. That she was free to choose her path in life, unlike him. That she had the opportunity to be herself and be proud of that.
So he became bitter. Because this woman, an immortal’s favorite disciple, had everything he didn’t. Because he wasn’t supposed to feel any of this, the rules prohibited it, but he still couldn’t control it.
He never wanted to be a sect leader. He wanted to be a scholar and sword master. He hadn’t wanted children so early in life, if at all. He never wanted to spend his whole time in Cloud Recesses, he wanted to explore the world.
Qiren doesn’t know when exactly he turned so rancorous, so stubborn. And he let himself ignore all the right rules in favor of taking out his resentment on an innocent child. Because Wei Wuxian had been more than innocent at the time. He was only 15 when they met and Qiren, who had hurt his nephew so much that Wangji thought he was not allowed to make a single mistake, had forgotten that children this age tend to be chaotic and wild. That they tend to mature in adulthood.
Thinking back on it, he genuinely thinks Wuxian could have become a bright and dependable young man. But the circumstances didn’t allow it. Qiren and other people didn’t help either.
He could defend himself saying that he could have never guessed the boy had lost his core, that he had freely given it to his martial brother in an act of brotherly love. And while this is true, there’s also nothing that justifies the way he treated Wuxian.
There is nothing to justify how he let his prejudices and the rumors blind him. He could have gone himself to Burial Mounds to check the supposed Wen army before doing anything rash. But he didn’t, and that resulted in a fool but righteous man dead, in his nephew’s heart (and back) broken. And even worse: in his grand nephew’s innocent family murdered.
He always knew Lan Sizhui was a Wen. And he admits when he realized there was a child in the Burial Mounds, Qiren had started to feel dubious about what he had participated in. This was the reason he decided to give this child an opportunity, more so after knowing he had lost all memory of his family, of the man Lan Qiren had deemed evil.
And he has never been more grateful he let Wangji raise the child. He loves his grandnephew. He is not the perfect Lan, not like his adoptive father, but he knows when to follow the rules and when they should be ignored, always in favor of doing the right thing. He knows when to be compassionate, like Xichen. And when people want to take advantage of him, in those cases he is as cold as Wangji.
Qiren couldn’t be prouder of Sizhui. His dear a-Yuan.
Now, at 28 springs old, he is an excellent first disciple (Lan Jingyi’s, the sect leader, right hand man), an awesome husband and a very caring father. Of course, he never stopped being a dutiful son and grandnephew.
And he never talked about Qiren’s participation in his biological family death. But the man knew it made him sad. When he found out Sizhui finally remembered some of his past, Qiren dreaded the anger that would be directed at him, the complaints and accusations, and he was prepared to take them all in stride. But they never came. Instead, the boy slowly distanced himself. Just a little bit, almost an imperceivable change.
But it was there. And it hurt Qiren more than shouts and tears would have.
Then there was Wei Wuxian. He never stopped being a fool in some aspects, but he also turned into a sad man. A depressed man, really, but one that hid all of those feelings under smiles, sometimes real and sometimes forced. A man who pretends he isn’t affected by the lack of acceptance from his spouse’s family.
A man who risked his life, his second chance at life, to save Qiren 2 years ago when a night hunt went out of control. Not because he is his husband’s uncle but because that’s just how Wei Wuxian is. Selfless when it comes to helping someone else. Now he finally acknowledges it.
Qiren never thanked him. He never will, since he is just a few moments from dying and he doesn’t think Wangji and Wuxian will arrive on time from their trip to Yiling, where they are finishing their project to completely clean the Burial Mounds.
It’s not as if they could have predicted that his heart would finally stop working today. Even he hadn’t known. The healers said it was due to his lifestyle, they didn’t specify what about it. So now, Qiren is running on someone’s spiritual energy. As soon as it stops being passed to him, he will die.
He could make an effort to wait for Wangji, but it hurts. And he feels his eyes heavier with every breath he takes. Besides, he isn’t sure if he wants to see his younger nephew’s grief again or Wuxian’s conflicted face, not knowing what to feel for him.
Therefore, Qiren turns to Xichen and Sizhui. He wishes a-Yun, Wangji’s second son, would still love him enough to be there. Qiren wants to see him one last time, he knows Yun is within Cloud Recesses. But since the boy found out about the siege he never visited Qiren again, even when his parents prompted him to.
Qiren understood and only complained once before giving up.
“Thank you.” For staying even when I hurt you both and Wangji… and Wuxian. “And sorry, for everything.”
“Shufu…” Xichen is crying while grabbing his hand.
“You don’t have to apologize for anything, shuzu.”
This boy is clearly Wei Wuxian’s son. Maybe if Qiren had actually listened to Wangji, a-Yuan could have grown up with both of them, and his uncles and aunties.
It’s ironic. It isn’t until I’m about to die that I want to change the past.
Unfortunately for him, it isn’t possible.
Still, if I had the opportunity, I would take it.
With that last thought, he finally lost consciousness.
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