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“I’ll call you when I get to the airport, and when I board the plane, but after that it’s radio silent until I get back so only call in emergencies-”
“Mom, I know. This isn’t my first episode of ‘Lois Lane: Undercover’. We’ll be fine.”
“I know, I know. What else… There’s some food in the fridge but you may need to restock. The twins haven’t been to a grocery store yet so make sure you take them if you go. It’ll be good enrichment.”
“Right, we don’t want them scratching up the furniture.”
Lois sighed, “Jon, I’m serious. They need to get out of the house and it’s important that they learn about Earth if they’re going to be a part of it.”
“I know Mom.” Jon said, soft and genuine, properly chastened, “It was just a joke. I’ll make sure to get them outside, and we’ve got a bunch of cool stuff to learn about in the meantime.” He raised his voice to call out, “Right, guys?”
At his prompting, the Super Twins came running in from their bedroom and stood a few steps behind Jon. “I would like to review what we learned about bears.” Otho-Ra called out, “They are extremely soft. I can not believe they are as ferocious as you say”
“What is a water bill?” Osul-Ra asked.
Lois laughed and said “Sounds like you kids have quite the day ahead of you!” Then, leaning closer to Jon she whispered “Maybe take them to see Krypto at the farm too. I’m starting to think she might actually kidnap a bear.”
Jon decided not to tell his mom that he intended to take the kids to see Gail the polar bear and her cubs. It would probably be better for Lois' cover. After all, she was posing as someone seven years younger than she was and it would be pretty suspicious if she was sprouting gray hairs. She would have nothing to worry about anyway, they were all invulnerable and Gail was very tame around them.
But if she did figure it out, Jon would wait to bring those facts up. He liked it when she worried about him, sometimes.
Behind him, Lois had crossed to Otho and Osul and had them both in a tight hug. “Stay out of trouble and be good for Jon, ok? I’ll be back really soon.”
“Take pride as you vanquish evil” Otho said, “and bring us back a trophy.”
“I’ll find the best snow globe in the city.”
She stood to hug Jonathan next. “Be safe, emergency phone numbers are on the fridge,” she pulled back to look him in the eyes, “make sure you take a break,” and then she pulled him back in, “your father will be home soon.”
He better be . Superman had been drawn offworld by yet another development regarding the legacy of Krypton. Jon was pretty sure it was a hoax, and that Kara could have handled it on her own anyway, but with their luck the whole thing would turn out to be a cover for a space drug peddling scheme run by intergalactic war criminals from the future-past who could only be defeated by a very specific mix of heat vision and fatherly disappointment. And so Superman would save the day and rest easy knowing he had done the right thing, and Jon would add another line to his list of things to feel bad about: wanting to keep dad from stopping the future-past war criminal drug dealers.
Dad would be back soon, and everything would go back to normal.
“I love you all so much.” Lois finished, kissing each of them on the cheek and walking to the door Jon held open for her.
“Love you too, Mom. Go get that Pulitzer!” And with one last glance back, Lois was off on another adventure.
The three supers stood by the door, completely still, listening to the tap-tap-tap of footsteps as Lois walked down the hall, all the way up to the click of her pressing the elevator button down.
“37 steps to the elevator. That’s more than usual, she must really want to stay.” Osul-Ra said. It was a game they had started when Jon first became the twins’ homeschooling teacher and wanted to get them used to numbers and counting. They couldn’t really be in school with other people until they were more familiar with how to behave in society, and even then they needed to catch up to where other children their age were, and Lois and Clark were both far too busy to provide the steady, consistent educational environment that children needed to thrive and Jon, you’re home a lot do you think you could help out? And Jon didn’t have anything better to do. He owed it to those kids anyway, he hadn’t exactly been the best brother when they first showed up and he needed to make it up to them. Besides, lesson planning helped him catch up on everything he had missed too. It was fun.
“Mom’s always a little slow to leave when she knows she’ll be gone for a while. Don’t worry, once she gets on the trail of a story she’ll be right back to her 26 step self.” Jon said, as he rolled out the chalkboard they had saved from the junkyard. He started to write “BEARS” across the top, “Lesson plan for today: we’ll review what we talked about last week and then I’ve got a really special surprise-”
Otho interrupted him, “actually, that was a lie. I remember everything you said about bears last week.”
“I truly do not know what a water bill is, but we have a much more important subject we would like to learn today.”
“And we did not want to mention it in front of Lois because she becomes strange when we bring it up.”
“Jon-El, how do we be like Superman?”
Jon froze in the middle of writing ursus arctos horribilis on the blackboard. “Are you sure you don’t want to learn more about bears? I, uh, I did a lot of bear based research last night.” He let the arm holding the chalk fall to his side as he muttered, “I probably know more about bears than I do about Superman at this point.”
The twins heard him, obviously, “That is a foolish thing to say. You were raised by Superman and carry the title yourself. You must know how to be Superman.” Otho accused.
“And so you must teach us!” Osul encouraged.
Jon tried to ignore the fact that he had a lot more experience with how not to be Superman as he turned to face the kids, brain going faster than a speeding bullet trying to figure out how best to handle this. By the time he was staring into their excited eyes, he had a plan. “I haven’t exactly prepared a super lesson, but maybe this is a question we can solve together. Follow me.”
He led the twins into the former guest room current Jon room and pulled a cardboard box from the top shelf of his closet. The cardboard was floppy and held together by borderline useless packing tape, the whole thing stained a faded black from some unexplainable aging process that made it almost look the six years it had been since he last opened it, despite its actual age. Inside were newspaper articles, each reverently stored in a plastic sleeve and filed away by date. He pulled one out at random. Superman Stops Flood It shouted at him in bold letters ‘ by Lois Lane’ nudged the byline. He put it back.
Osul grabbed one, “Are these-”
“Case studies.” Jon said, “We investigate what Superman has done in different situations in the past, and from there create a comprehensive guide to tell us what to do if they happen again. We’ll look for patterns in the data that we can extrapolate moral guidelines from.” He saw the slightly bewildered expressions on their faces, “It’ll also help with vocabulary and reading comprehension.”
The kids seemed satisfied with that and began pulling stacks of papers out of the box. Jon joined in too, though he imagined he was seeing these articles very differently than the twins were. He had watched some of these battles on tv, cheered on his dad safe in the knowledge that nothing could hurt Superman, that he could do no wrong. He imagined how the giant robot in Uncle Jimmy’s photo on the cover page would fall at the end of battle, almost crushing a young family before Superman swooped in to catch it, flashing the family a charming smile and wink and then throwing evil robot debris into the sun or something. Saving the day just in time. It hadn’t occurred to Jon as a child how traumatizing that almost could be, the fear that this time, Superman might not be fast enough, how that could damage a person even after they were saved. He wished it had never occurred to him at all.
Otho interrupted his spiral, “These three are about Lex Luthor. That is a pattern, right Jon-El?”
“Right, yeah. That’s a really important one, great job. One second.” Jon jogged out of the room and pulled the blackboard back in with him. He grabbed a scrap of paper from his desk and wrote “Lex” across it in big, dark letters, then taped it and Otho’s articles onto one section of the board. “This is where we’ll put all the Lex Luthor articles. Tell me if you find any other patterns and we can make categories for them too.”
Categories were made for “Aliens” and “Cyborg Superman” and “Zod”. Eventually they found an instance of a Lex Luthor induced earthquake, which they discussed at length before Jon broke out the red string and they put it under “Natural Disasters” with a line leading back to the “Lex” card. At some point the articles became too numerous for the blackboard and expanded onto Jon’s walls, a subway map of red string overlaid on the whole thing.
Jon took a step back to appraise their work as the twins debated over where Superman Saves Cat From Alien Invasion belonged. It was shaping up to be quite the murder board. He snapped a picture and sent it to Jay.
Twins and I are doing some investigating today. Made me think of you. He added a little pink heart to the end and sent it.
Awwwww baby’s first murder board Jay sent back with a blue heart. And then Wait are those all articles about superman? And then Finally plotting to kill the old man, huh?
Jon quickly texted back NONONONONO followed by they're case studies. We’re learning how to be Superman. He glanced at the newspaper sitting next to him on the bed, one from when the Superman in question had been Jon, and therefore not relevant to their study before asking You want to come by? We could use your journalistic eye.
Oh so you like my eyes? Was Jay’s reply.
Jon smiled. Of course I do! They’re so warm and kind and when I look into them I get this deep sense of relief that I don’t get anywhere else. That’s without even mentioning how intelligent they are, how they spot things no one else does. Jon took a second before sending With eyes like those on our side, killing Superman will be a breeze!
It was a joke Jon never would have made with anyone else. (He probably shouldn’t have made it here either with the way Batman liked to tap his phone, but Jon had already done the twice-weekly bug sweep of the apartment and deposited all of the bat-bugs into his and Damian’s growing collection.) People were already paranoid enough of Jon without him even jokingly saying he wanted his dad dead, and besides that, the wound from when he was certain his dad was leaving Earth never to return was still fresh. It still hurt to think one of these days his father might leave him for good.
But with Jay he could do it. Jay was smart enough to know a joke and good enough not to use a text like that against him and understood Jon enough not to take it too far. Jay would never be afraid of a message like that, even if it terrified Jon. It was one of the many reasons Jon loved him. He could be a normal teenager and Superman in a way he could never make work with anyone else.
Aha! So you admit it! Jay texted back.
Darn! Foiled again by the wily Gossamer! I assume I’ll be seeing this in the Truth tomorrow?
“Super-Son Plots Super-Patricide” Jay tried, followed by I’m working on it
Jon laughed, Seriously, do you want to come by?
I’m already on my way.
Jon, content, set down his phone and rejoined the twins. Osul held up a newspaper and asked for a definition (decimate- he was very excited to learn that one). Otho, floating up by the “Vehicle” corner of the wall voiced a confusion, “in this one Superman moves the family out of the way of the truck before anyone gets hit, but in this one he runs into the truck to stop it first. Which one is right?”
“First one.” Jon answered casually.
“So you do know how to be Superman!” Osul accused.
“No I-” Jon rushed to defend, “Dad’s told me before that he always prefers to rescue people with as little property damage as possible.”
“That is not what the papers say. Things get deci- decimated all the time.”
“Superman always puts lives over things, and yeah that often means the city gets damaged, but we have to try our best not to break things. It’s really easy for us so we have to be very careful.”
“Does that mean Superman failed when he stopped the truck?” Otho asked.
Jon was stunned. His mind immediately jumped to his father’s defense– no of course not Superman doesn’t fail. The family was saved, he probably did everything he could to fix the truck and help the driver, can you really blame him with the way they’re making trucks these days? Don’t blame the guy trying to help, blame capitalism or something. But the other part of him, the part that had asked why his father didn’t do more (before he saw exactly what doing more led to) said yes. Superman failed, he’s done it before and he’ll do it again but we can’t call him out on it because he’s Superman.
He heard a knock on the door before he had to answer. “I’ll get that.”
It was Jay, of course, already standing in the living room before Jon ever got to the door. His presence alone was releasing a flood of relief into Jon. “I knocked because I respect your privacy but I respect it a lot less than I respect your mom’s and since she’s out of town, I let myself in.”
“It’s ok. I don’t mind if you disrespect my privacy. Want to see the murder board?”
“Why else would I be here?” Jay asked, giving Jon a quick kiss, “except maybe to see the most beautiful man in the world?”
“Jon-El! Stop being gross, you didn’t answer my question!” Otho called from Jon’s doorway.
“Right! Jay, you want to answer her question?” Jon led Jay back into the room, Otho glaring at them for his persistent deflection.
“Maybe, what was her question?”
“I want to know if Superman failed when he crashed into a truck to save people.”
“Well,” Jay began, investigating the articles that had caused this line of inquiry, “ failed isn’t the word I would use. He did save the family, which is what he set out to do, but in a completely successful rescue nothing would have been destroyed. I’d say there’s nuance, but here, yeah, Superman did mess up.”
It all seemed so obvious when Jay said it. Of course Superman messes up sometimes! Of course there’s nuance! It doesn’t mean Superman’s a failure, Superman has never failed, it’s all nuanced!
“Sorry if this is a stupid question, but if you guys want to learn how to be Superman then why not just ask him?” Jay asked.
“We did. Jon-El gave us this exercise.” Otho explained.
Jay gave Jon a skeptical look before saying, “but all these articles are about the older Superman. Why not ask Mr. Kent?”
“He is not on the planet right now.”
“Why not wait until he gets back?”
“Jay, can I talk to you in the living room for a second?” Jon cut in, “Otho, Osul, keep making connections and don’t listen to our conversation, ok?”
“Ok…” The kids seemed a little lost, but the task they were given got them back on track as Jon and Jay left the room.
Jon wasn’t entirely sure what he pulled Jay out of the room to say, he just knew he needed to cut off his line of questioning as soon as possible. He was spared of having to say the first word when Jay said, “Jon, what is going on? Because it looks to me like those kids asked you, Superman , how to be Superman, who is you , and instead of giving them actual advice you gave them a puzzle about your dad.”
Jon flinched, “technically that’s all correct, but there’s nuance.”
“And now you’re using my own lines against me.”
“Ok, look.” Jon took a seat on the couch. Jay joined him. “I don’t really know how to be Superman. At this point, I think I’ve spent more time with Supermen failing at being Superman than I have with the real thing, and no one ever taught me how to do it right. It comes so easily to my dad. He always makes the right choice, it’s like he doesn’t even have to think about it, and I… I read every book on chess in the library and studied Lex Luthor’s old games to beat him at a chess match. Did you know that? You know what my dad did? He walked away, and that bothered Lex way more than my petty game did, I’m sure of it. When I was in dictator Superman world, I spent more time researching than actually acting. I knew those people needed help but I couldn’t risk screwing it up, and even after all that I’m still not sure I did the right thing. I can’t teach those kids how to be Superman because I’m still trying to figure it out myself.”
“Alright, I can understand that, but why not just ask your dad?”
Jon sighed and shrank into himself. “He wouldn’t get it.” Jon said, fully aware of how he sounded like a petulant teenager. “He would tell us that we have to be Superman in our own way and totally miss the fact that those kids and I have had such a different upbringing than him that there’s no way our version of Superman would look anything like his. We need to be Superman like him, or else we’re going to be something horrible.” As he said it, Jon acknowledged to himself that he didn’t really feel that way about the twins. They needed guidance, yes, and time to acclimate but there wasn’t anything fundamentally wrong with them.
Jay put a hand on Jon’s knee. “You weren’t this anxious while we were freeing Gamorra. What changed?”
“I knew I was doing the right thing every step of the way, and when it got hard I had you to reinforce that.”
“Jon, I can’t be your moral compass.”
Jon stood up and said, “I know that, it wouldn't be fair to you. That's why I’m doing this with the twins. If we analyze enough data we should be able to create a kind of flow chart that can tell us exactly how to handle any situation the way my dad would.”
“I still don’t think that’s really healthy.” Jay tried to argue, but Jon had that intent, far away look that meant he was listening in on some situation that needed super intervention. At the same moment, the twins ran out and grabbed Jon’s hands to lead him back into the bedroom.
Osul flew over to the “Vehicles” corner and found their “aquatic” subcategory. It was definitely a boat’s engine they were hearing. Meanwhile, Otho was scrutinizing every article in the “Animals” category trying to figure out what exactly they were dealing with. The only time Jon got to be a detective, what with the people he surrounded himself with, was when the crime scene came directly into his ears. A ship in the Atlantic ocean, 16 people on board, running and shouting at each other, but no one radioing off ship for help. A guttural growl told him why, tiger traffickers, then. And the tigers were out.
“It’s a bengal tiger.” Jon told Otho. “We haven’t gotten to them in the curriculum yet.”
“We don’t have anything on the board about tigers!” Otho said.
“And definitely nothing about tigers on boats!” Osul continued.
“Then I guess it’s time the three of you figure it out for yourselves.” Jay said, leaning on the doorframe.
All three supers froze. The distress coming in by way of super hearing got more frantic. He was shaken from his stupor when Osul grabbed his hand. “Come on!” Otho was already halfway out the window.
“Right. Right.”
~;~
Three hours later, the tigers were in a sanctuary that would nurse them back to health, and the traffickers were in jail and not eaten. By all accounts a great success, but Jon knew how lucky he was that this was an easy one. They went grocery shopping after, and mom was right, of course. The twins loved it. They made tracking down each item a game, the same way Jon had at their age and were blown away by just how many options there were. They may have left with a few particularly colorful packages that weren’t on their list, but who could say no to the three of them working together?
Now, Jon was putting everything away while the kids watched a nature documentary about tigers in the other room. As Jon put the eggs in the fridge, his phone rang.
“Hey Jay.”
“So, did your dad show up and tell you how to save those tigers?”
Jon grimaced, “No, we figured it out.”
“And the world didn’t explode. Funny how that works out.”
“We were lucky this one was straightforward. If it was something serious that we had no precedent for it wouldn’t have gone nearly this well.” Silence from the other end of the line. “I’m right about this, Jay.”
“I think you should talk to your dad.”
“He’s not going to get it.”
“It doesn’t have to be about that, it can be about anything. In fact it should be about a lot of things! There’s a lot of things you haven’t said to him and if you don’t start now they’re just going to get worse.” He said, “And besides, if you keep this up you’re going to pass your insecurities onto the kids, and I know you don’t want to do that.”
He was right. “I’ll think about it.”