Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Episode I Part I

Kanan Jarrus had no idea how long he had been staring at the ceiling of the room he shared with Hera. He had woken up sometime in the early hours of the day and had not been able to fall back asleep since. Even if he had really tried, he wouldn't have succeeded, especially not on this day.

That cursed day.

From outside, he could hear the light, bouncing steps of his son and Chopper's loud beeping. Jacen was always an early riser, and he was probably up to some mischief with his best friend again. Kanan was still surprised at how fond Chopper had become of children. He could still remember another young boy he hadn't treated the same way as he did Jacen. No, Chopper had always played pranks on him, and...

Kanan closed his eyes and exhaled.

"No. No, just don't think about it," He whispered to himself, squeezing his eyes shut as memories threatened to overwhelm him. Without another thought, he got out of bed and began to prepare for the day. When he looked in the mirror, he let out a heavy sigh and avoided looking into his own eyes.

It wasn't because of his reflection, which had changed somewhat over the years. Sure, his hair had started to get a few gray strands, his beard needed trimming, and maybe it was time to cut his hair again. His ponytail seemed a bit too long again. And if he was honest, he had been slimmer before, but he still looked presentable. He wasn't the same person he was ten years ago. None of them were. They had all changed.

But that wasn't the reason why Kanan Jarrus, or rather, Kanan Syndulla as he was officially known now, couldn't bear to look in the mirror on this day. He knew exactly what he would see in his own eyes. Even if he tried to convince himself otherwise, his eyes couldn't deceive him. They would only show the storm of emotions, making him even more aware of his pain and regret. His guilt.

Kanan sighed and pulled on a simple green sweater. As he fastened his dark jeans, he realized with a sigh that they had fit better at some point. He ran a hand over his slightly fuller belly. The time of peace had brought about this change, and it had been good for his body. The war veteran took another look in the mirror and studied himself for a moment.

If he wasn't mistaken, his belly had grown a little more recently. It was nothing dramatic, just a normal change, especially with age. Something Kanan never thought he would experience. He wasn't as active as he used to be, especially since he had given up Jedi training... It wasn't something he needed to worry about, Hera liked it.

But it was still a significant difference from his once slender and very athletic figure from ten years ago. Of course, he still had muscles, especially in his arms. But his belly...

... maybe he should pay more attention to his diet and get more exercise, just to be safe.

Kanan pushed the thought from his mind and headed out of the bedroom. He immediately turned towards the stairs, assuming his son and Chopper were in the living room.

"Good morning, Jacen."

He heard the sound of the holo projector from the living room. As expected, the youngest member of the Syndullas was sitting in front of the holo projector, comfortably on the couch, eating his cereal, occasionally clinking his spoon against the edge of the bowl.

"Morning, Dad," came the response. Kanan entered the room and raised an eyebrow.

"You know your mother doesn't like it when you watch TV during breakfast."

"But Mom's not here, and you were still in bed," came the prompt reply.

"I was bored. Besides, I wanted to watch the festivities."

He pointed with his spoon at the displayed holo, which showed Lothal's news. Indeed, the first images of the celebrations were already visible.

Kanan immediately averted his gaze and sighed.

"All right, just this once. But let's keep it between us."

"Promise."

Jacen chuckled as his father ruffled his hair and then went to the adjoining kitchen. Kanan prepared his morning caf and tried to ignore the voices from the holo.

"Has Mom called yet?"

"Yeah, she's coming home earlier."

Kanan was taken aback. As far as he remembered, Hera had announced her arrival in a few days.

"How much earlier?"

"I don't know, but she said she's coming today."

That was... unusual. Usually, Hera went out of her way to avoid being anywhere near Lothal on this day. Just like Kanan usually did, but this year, it hadn't worked out. Hera had been on a longer mission, and her planned stay on Ryloth during these days had been canceled. So, Kanan had no choice but to stay on Lothal with Jacen since the school holidays had just begun. A decision he had been regretting since the early hours of the morning.

"Did she give a specific reason?"

"No. She just said it was important. Maybe she wants to attend the ceremony."

Kanan doubted that very much, but he remained silent. None of them wanted to be at the ceremony scheduled for today, as Hera had told him. Sabine had designed a memorial, a huge mural depicting the entire crew. And it was in honor of...

"Do you really want to go there, Jacen?"

The former Jedi asked instead, sipping his caf. He briefly considered getting something for breakfast himself, but he didn't really have an appetite. Something that would surely help his figure, he thought secretly.

He returned to the living room, where Jacen was watching the preparations with wide eyes. Kanan sat down next to him and drank his caf.

"Look, Dad. The whole government will be there, especially Governor Azadi. Jai too."

"Of course, he'll be there; he's Lothal's senator after all."

Kanan glanced at the young man, who had tousled his brown hair and smiled uncertainly at the camera. He sighed and put his cup down.

"We could do something else, you know? We don't necessarily have to go there; these ceremonies are usually very boring."

"But we've never been to Lothal for the anniversary. Everyone talks about it at school, but we've always been away." Jacen looked at his father. "You did it, Dad. You, Mom, Chopper, Aunt Sabine, and Uncle Zeb. You liberated Lothal. The day is about you; why have we never been there?"

Kanan sighed. His son had asked this question more than once.

"We don't like to think back on that time, you know that. It... it was different. They celebrate this day, but... it was different from the stories. Different from what they tell in your school."

"But you're heroes, Dad. And you're celebrated."

"You know your mom doesn't like it that much. She already has enough honors and celebrations for her service as a general."

"And what about you? Or Aunt Sabine? Why doesn't Uncle Zeb visit us more often?"

Kanan avoided looking his son in the eye. Jacen was too smart and observant for his age, that much was clear. He definitely took after Hera.

"Celebrations have never been my thing, especially not something like this. Sabine shares my opinion, and Zeb... he's busy with your Uncle Alexandr."

Chopper beeped something, and Kanan gave him a warning look.

"Chopper, cut it out. You know Zeb is busy."

"I think it's stupid. You guys are honored, and none of you show up."  Jacen grumbled discontentedly, pondering his cereal thoughtfully.

"When you're older, you'll understand," Kanan replied.

"No, I don't think I'll ever understand it." Jacen bit his lip, put his bowl on the table, and folded his hands in his lap. Then he sighed softly and looked up. "Dad? Is it because of... because of Ezra?"

Kanan choked on his sip at the mention of his former Padawan and coughed. Jacen watched his father as he pounded his chest and placed the cup on the table, some of its contents spilling due to the haste.

"Dad?"

Kanan swallowed and wiped his mouth.

"I'm sorry, little one. I wasn't prepared for that."

He should have been prepared, just as he should have been all day. Ezra's name shouldn't throw him off like this. But it did. Every time. Especially on this damned day.

"Why don't you ever talk about him? You never say a word about Ezra."

Jacen crossed his arms.

"Is he the reason you and Mom don't want to attend the ceremonies?"

"Jacen..."

"I just don't understand, Dad. Mom talks about him so often. About your adventures, what he was like, how much you experienced together. Aunt Sabine always shows me the artworks they created together and the pranks they played on Uncle Zeb. How they fought together."

"That's not so simple, my son. I...," Kanan tried, but Jacen wouldn't let go. Not this time.

"Uncle Zeb always talks about him, and Chopper shows me holos so often. Aunt Ahsoka also talks about him a lot, and so does Uncle Rex."

Kanan took a deep breath, or at least tried to.

"You already hear enough about him. The others can tell you everything you want to know."

"But why don't you talk about him, Dad?"

Jacen looked at him with the same stubborn and intense look that Ezra had always used on Kanan when he wanted to get him to talk about something he didn't want to. This look was something both boys inherited from Hera, clearly. His two boys were definitely taking after their...

Kanan swallowed and rubbed his forehead.

"But I am talking about him, Jacen. We're talking about him right now, aren't we?"

Chopper made a dismissive noise, which Kanan skillfully ignored.

"You never talk about him properly. He was your Padawan; he was my big brother. You don't talk about your training or what he was like as a Jedi. How he was my big brother. You don't even mention his name."

"I do mention it, but..."

"You didn't even say his name just now," Jacen noted in the typical accusatory tone he undoubtedly inherited from a certain General Syndulla.

"It... it's not easy, and I..."

Kanan was thankfully interrupted by Chopper, who announced a transmission. Apparently, Hera was contacting him, and it seemed pretty important. Jacen blinked in confusion.

"Mom's calling again? But..."

Kanan stood up and made a gesture.

"Chopper, hold on. Jace, go to your room and start getting ready."

"But..."

"You know the rules about transmissions." His father replied, arms crossed. His tone allowed no arguments. With a sigh that resembled that of a certain former teenager, the young Syndulla shuffled out of the room.

"All right..."

"Good boy."

Kanan ruffled his son's hair and closed the door behind him. Only when he was sure that his son was in his room and not secretly listening did he turn to Chopper.

"Okay, Chopper, patch Hera through."

What he hadn't expected was that it wouldn't just be Hera. No, beside her...

Kanan suppressed an annoyed sigh and leaned against the back of the couch. For a moment, the two Force users stared at each other, then the familiar Togruta smiled.

"Hello, Kanan."

The former Jedi nodded curtly.

"Ahsoka."

"I greet you, Master Dume. It has been a long time."

Kanan could hardly restrain himself from rolling his eyes when he noticed the droid. He had given up trying to convince him otherwise in recent years.

"Nice to see you again too, Huyang. It's been a while." Then he finally turned to his wife, who, in her typical general fashion, had her hands on her hips and looked as if she was about to start the briefing any moment. Which was probably the case. "What's going on, Hera? Has something happened?"

"One could say." The Twi'lek sighed. "I told you that Ahsoka came across Morgan Elsbeth and was captured."

Kanan nodded. Although he mostly stayed out of the affairs of the New Republic, Hera occasionally shared some information, especially if it didn't quite align with the New Republic's affairs.

"Well, that's not the current status anymore," The Togruta replied. "She has been freed."

Kanan blinked. "Freed? But... by mercenaries? Bounty hunters? Who would..."

"Well, that's what we wondered too," Hera continued. She displayed a hologram of two individuals wearing cloaks. Kanan could hardly believe his eyes when he recognized the weapons at their belts.

"Are those...?"

"Lightsabers," confirmed Ahsoka, nodding. "I could hardly believe it myself."

Hera spoke again. "They disabled an entire security unit and destroyed one of our new ships."

Kanan could tell from Hera's posture that she was not pleased at all. She looked a bit tense and glanced expectantly at Ahsoka.

"Who are they?"

The Togruta had crossed her arms and walked thoughtfully around the holo projector. Her forehead was furrowed as she scrutinized the depicted figures.

"I don't know."

Her gaze shifted away and landed on Kanan. He shook his head slowly.

"They don't look familiar to me either. Could they be Inquisitors?"

Hera flinched at the thought of the Force users who had once hunted their family. Kanan couldn't blame her. The mere thought brought back unpleasant memories.

Ahsoka shook her head and paused in her stride. "I rule that out. Palpatine and Vader were the last Sith. The Inquisitor program was discontinued a long time ago. There were no more."

"Then who are they? They seem to have similar abilities to you," Hera said, playing the hologram again. It showed the young woman igniting her lightsaber, which emitted a deep orange color. Kanan raised an eyebrow. The color was unusual.

"There are only a few left who have learned to use the Force," Ahsoka said, resuming her steps. "And not all are willing to use it."

Kanan knew the words were directed at him, and he rolled his eyes.

"You know my stance."

"Oh, yes. But that doesn't mean I like it," she shot back, meeting his gaze squarely.

"Noted. Can we please stay on topic?" Kanan replied, growing impatient. "Why do I have to be here? You both know my stance. I want nothing to do with it anymore."

Hera wanted to say something, but Huyang interrupted.

"Perhaps one of them was once a Jedi."

Ahsoka nodded thoughtfully, seemingly ignoring Kanan's objection.

"It's possible. Huyang, make a copy of this recording and examine their lightsabers."

Hera pursed her lips and looked at Ahsoka, who had resumed her thoughtful pacing around the holo projector, studying the depicted figures closely.

"What is their connection to Morgan Elsbeth?"

"I know she hired mercenaries in the past."

"Well, in this case, it paid off," Hera sighed. "They disappeared without a trace."

"We'll find them again. Is that all?" Kanan asked impatiently. Hera gave him a warning look.

"Kanan."

"Hera, you know my stance. I really don't know what..."

He was interrupted when Ahsoka suddenly held a golden metallic sphere in her hand and held it in front of Hera's face.

"But there is one good thing about today."

Kanan furrowed his brow and looked as surprised as Hera. She took the sphere from Ahsoka's hand and examined it briefly.

"A star map?"

Her tone suggested that she was also somewhat puzzled.

Kanan didn't like Ahsoka's self-assured smile. It was a sure sign that there was more to this inconspicuous sphere than met the eye.

"No ordinary star map," the Togruta said with a gesture. "This one contains what Morgan is looking for."

He could see how she struggled to hold back tears in her eyes. Nothing could easily unsettle General Syndulla. Nothing. But this...

Kanan would have given anything to be with Hera at that moment, to hug her. He saw how she had to gather herself with all her might and it was the same for him. He shook his head and addressed Ahsoka.

"That's enough now. Can't you see how you're upsetting Hera? You know..."

But he couldn't continue because his wife interjected. A tear rolled down her cheek, and she looked at Ahsoka with hope and fear in her eyes.

"If Thrawn survived, is it possible that Ezra..."

Her voice wavered, and the pure hope and desperation in her voice were unmistakable. Those words were like a stab in Kanan's heart and took his breath away for a moment. The name of his deceased Padawan, his son, had been enough to throw him off balance in recent days, just as it had with Jacen before. But the mere thought... the hope, the incredible and futile hope that Ezra...

Ahsoka smiled compassionately and approached Hera again. She looked first at Kanan, then at Hera.

"I hope so. Nothing is certain yet. But our enemies believe that this is the place they need to search."

Hera examined the star map again, her hands trembling slightly. Her lekku twitched. Kanan shook his head.

"Thrawn couldn't have survived that. Never. We saw it ourselves. No one can survive something like that. Not... not even Ezra."

His voice wavered. Ahsoka turned to Kanan and shook her head.

"You can't know that. Morgan knows something, and I'm sure it has something to do with Thrawn. If he's alive, then Ezra will be too."

Kanan snorted and clenched his fists.

"How dare you? It's been ten years, Ahsoka. Ten! Don't you think if Ezra were still alive, he would have found his way back by now? Hera and I tried everything to find him, everything. Even when the New Republic always tried to stop us, we never gave up. We couldn't find him... because he's no longer alive."

"Maybe he's in a place where he can't find his way back on his own. A place we don't know yet, but the map does," She calmly replied, undeterred by Kanan's words. He shook his head and looked completely agitated.

"Ezra died back then, Ahsoka! I felt it myself! Our bond..." He almost choked. "...I haven't been able to feel him since. Never again. He... he's dead."

Hera swallowed and lifted her head, looking at her husband.

"Kanan..."

"I won't harbor false hope this time. Not again."

"Love, if there's even the slightest chance that this map... that Ezra might still..."

"Ezra died that day. Just like Thrawn. I won't chase after a ghost." The former Jedi said with icy determination. Ahsoka shook her head.

"It's not doing you any good, Kanan. You should trust more in Ezra's abilities."

"Don't you dare," He hissed. "I've always believed in Ezra's abilities and in him himself, Ahsoka. I never doubted him."

"But you do now. You've been doing it all along," Hera interjected, still clutching the star map. "If there's even a remote possibility of finding Ezra, we must seize it, Kanan. We owe it to him. We owe it to ourselves."

"Hera..."

Kanan was speechless at Hera's words. She shook her head.

"Tell Jacen that I'll be there tonight. We'll see each other later."

Kanan's eyes widened, and he made an exasperated gesture when he realized her intentions.

"Hera! You can't...!"

But his wife had already terminated the transmission and effectively kicked him out of the briefing. Chopper beeped amusedly and rotated his dome. Kanan snorted.

"Oh, just shut up, Chopper."

This was definitely not his day.

"Come on, Dad!" Jacen waited until his father caught up and then ran ahead again. Kanan could only shake his head in disbelief at so much energy and squeezed past people.

"Excuse me, sorry... Jacen, wait!" He caught only a glimpse of his son's greenish hair before he disappeared into the crowd again. Kanan muttered softly. "This boy, just like his brother. Jacen!"

A few of Lothal's residents turned to look at Kanan, but the former Jedi ignored their stares as he always did, focusing solely on reaching his son. He pulled the hood of his cloak further over his face and pushed through the crowd.

"Jacen, come back immediately!"

There were definitely more visitors at this year's festivities than usual. The main square was practically overflowing, and it was difficult to make one's way through. Most people were looking up at the elevated platform above their heads, where Jai was already visible. At any moment, Ryder Azadi would step onto the podium and give his speech, followed by the unveiling of the monument. And according to the announcement, one of the Lothal Rebels, Sabine Wren, would be present to speak about the liberation of Lothal and its liberators.

Kanan didn't believe for a second that Sabine would even show up. She probably had declined Ryder's invitation, just like Hera and he did year after year.

The crowd grew louder, and Kanan searched for his son's green hair with his eyes.

"Jacen!"

But he couldn't see him, and with each passing moment, panic started to rise within him.

"Jacen?!"

Kanan quickened his steps and looked around frantically. The square seemed to be getting more crowded, and he couldn't spot his son anywhere. Jacen seemed to have been swallowed by the crowd, and Kanan had no idea where he was.

"Jacen, come here! Ezra!"

He looked around desperately as someone tugged at his arm.

"Dad, here you are." Jacen licked a lollipop that suspiciously resembled Sabine's starbird and looked at his father cheerfully. "I've been looking for you."

"You've been..." Kanan breathed a sigh of relief and hugged his son. "Thank the Force. Don't run off like that again, Jace. I was so worried."

"You didn't have to worry, Dad." Jacen took his father's hand and pulled him along. "I saw Aunt Sabine. She bought me the lollipop."

"You saw...?"

Jacen stopped at the edge of the crowd, next to one of the house walls. He happily approached a woman who was more in the shadows of the house and, like Kanan, was wearing a cloak to hide her face. That changed when she took Jacen's hand, and he led her to Kanan.

"I found Daddy."

Sabine and Kanan stared at each other for a moment. A longer moment. They lived on the same planet, but they rarely crossed paths. To be honest, they both did everything they could to avoid each other. Hera and Sabine regularly saw each other, especially because of Jacen. Sabine often visited their home when Kanan was not there. But Kanan himself...

The former Jedi swallowed hard and looked at the Mandalorian. She had aged just like all of them. Sabine was no longer the fiery and growing teenager but a beautiful, strong young woman. One who couldn't hide the storm of emotions in her eyes any more than he could.

"Hello, Sabine."

The Mandalorian swallowed and nodded at him.

"Hey, Kanan. Long time no see..."

They looked into each other's eyes. Like strangers facing each other, even though they were so much more. They were more than friends; they were family. Only in these days, it didn't feel like it anymore. Not since...

"Thank you, thank you for keeping an eye on Jacen. I lost track of him, and you know how the little one is..."

Sabine nodded and affectionately ran her hand over the boy's head as he watched the spectacle with fascination.

"Indeed. Impulsive and just as prone to nonsense as... as his older brother," Kanan swallowed and turned his gaze away. "Yes..."

They heard the murmur of the crowd, and Kanan looked up where Ryder Azadi approached the podium. Sabine snorted disparagingly.

"Ryder enjoys the grand entrance as always."

"Did you expect anything different?" Kanan replied, tilting his head slightly toward the platform. "Aren't you supposed to be up there? They're probably waiting for you."

"Shh, not so loud," Sabine hissed, hiding her face even more in her hood. "I could ask you the same, Master Jedi. No requests?"

Kanan rolled his eyes and refrained from commenting on the title.

"Are you joking? Hera and I have him blocked for the next few days. It's the same every year."

"Mhm... I'm surprised to see you and Jacen here today. Normally, you and Hera don't set foot on Lothal at this time."

"Hera has a lot to do; there was no other way. Jacen really wanted to be part of the festivities, so I agreed."

She snorted. "Yes, I see. Who could refuse Spectre-7? He definitely..."

"Sabine," Kanan interjected, looking at her seriously. "Please, just drop it. Not today."

To his surprise, the Mandalorian fell silent and crossed her arms. She ran her hand through her long violet hair and nodded, turning her gaze more towards the platform where the mural was being unveiled. A joyful and enthusiastic murmur passed through the crowd, and Jacen gasped.

"Wow! That's... amazing!"

Even Kanan was momentarily captivated, staring at the mural on one of the holoscreens.

"You've outdone yourself," he whispered to the artist, who only nodded slightly.

"Truly, Sab, it's fantastic."

"It's beautiful," Jacen marveled, smiling at Sabine, who smiled back.

"Thank you, little one. I put a lot of effort into it."

"That's evident. Hera will be thrilled. And Zeb..."

"Ezra will hate it and complain again that he doesn't look better," Sabine chuckled lightly. "Just like on all my paintings."

"Oh, not this time. He'll..."

Kanan noticed that Sabine wasn't speaking in the past tense and sighed heavily. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Sabine."

"What?"

The Mandalorian had now positioned herself directly next to Kanan, her arms crossed, and she stared directly into his eyes, raising an eyebrow challengingly. Kanan opened his eyes and looked away, his expression changing immediately.

"Stop it," he hissed.

"Stop what?"

The former Jedi glanced at his son, who was still engrossed in Ryder's words and seemed unaware of their conversation.

"You know exactly what I mean. Not in front of Jacen," Kanan quietly retorted, his agitation evident. Sabine just shrugged and patted his arm.

"Why not? It's the truth."

"Sabine, you know..."

Kanan was interrupted by Ryder's loud voice, which echoed across the square.

"On this day, a few years ago, the Empire was defeated. Thanks to the efforts of Commander Ezra Bridger, who gave his own life to free our world. This monument that we inaugurate today..."

"Don't believe those lies. Trust in him and his abilities. You should know that best, Master Jarrus," Sabine hissed with annoyance and disdain. Then she turned on her heel, pushed past new onlookers, and disappeared into one of the many side streets. Kanan turned around and watched her go, only able to see her cloak disappear from his field of vision.

He swallowed, and her words echoed in his mind for a moment. The lies... Kanan knew exactly what Sabine meant by that. She had never believed that Ezra...

"They're looking for Aunt Sabine," he suddenly heard Jacen's voice from next to him, pointing toward the platform. Kanan saw that Jacen had guessed correctly. Ryder appeared somewhat awkward and looked around, pushing Jai forward.

Jacen also looked around and then up at his father.

"Where is she, Dad? She was just here a moment ago, right?"

"She had to leave quickly, little one. You know your aunt. She's not one for the big show," Kanan joked, placing a hand on Jacen's shoulder. "What do you think about heading back? Your mother will probably be here soon."

Jacen licked his lollipop and shrugged.

"Okay. Hopefully, we'll see Loth-wolves on the way."

"I can't promise that, but we might encounter a few cats on our path," his father replied, slowly leading Jacen away from the main square. Kanan risked a quick glance up at the podium, where Jai still stood, gesturing uncertainly. He felt sorry for the boy in a way, but he should have known better. After all, Jai knew Sabine and knew that she would never put herself on display like this.

The former Jedi immediately averted his gaze when he noticed Ryder spotting him and Jacen in the crowd. He gestured and marched forward again.

"Come on, Jace."

Kanan took his son's hand, and they quickly disappeared from the view of the podium.

None of them would ever go along with it. Never. Especially not when the true liberator of Lothal could never stand before his people and be celebrated as he deserved. As he always deserved but would never know. Like so many other things that had been too late.

"The lies..."

Sabine could really team up with Ahsoka. She was now the second person that day to claim that Ezra...

No. Ezra had given his life on that day. He was dead. That was the truth. Painful and devastating as it was.

And it had been that way for ten years now.