Work Text:
Darkness, she thought, as she stared at the ceiling. Many people fear it, but not Adam. Iris had somehow felt that, the first time she’d looked him in the eye, back when she woke up at his apartment in Prague. He embraced the darkness, – made it his own, somehow. And it was comforting.
---
She turned in bed looking at the sleeping form next to her, when she noticed: His jaw was working, as if he was gritting his teeth, his forehead covered in cold sweat. When she put a hand on his arm, she could feel the light shiver running through it. He was shaking, his right hand seemingly clenched around nothing.
Quietly she moved in closer, gently wrapping her arms around him. As she pulled him into her embrace, sliding her fingers through his hair tenderly, memories came rushing back.
This wasn’t the first time she saw him having a nightmare, far from it, actually.
The first time had been only a few days after she came to at his apartment. A fond smile crossed her face, as she remembered how they’d fought over who sleeps on the sofa and who gets to have the bed. They’d both been so stubborn in wanting the other to be comfortable, they ended up sharing the bed, – it was big enough for even 3 people to fit without problem anyway.
The first night was awkward, still, so they both just lay awake and tried not think about it too much. Even though think was all they did all night long. For Adam it must’ve been the adjustment of sharing his bed with another again after so many years, her present self reasoned. For her it was just the entirety of the situation overwhelming her. Suddenly just being here. With no memory of herself or anyone else. With this unknown man she didn’t know she could trust. With no concept of space or time, outside of this apartment. Just lost. Desperately trying to remember something... anything!
But there was nothing. Just ...nothing.
And there was darkness. The suffocating darkness closing in on her like the walls of an invisible cage, making her feel claustrophobic, as the silence becomes unbearably loud.
The second night was similar, although they did get at least one or two hours of shut eye each. From there on it progressively kept getting better, hour by hour, until they’d both just accepted the weirdness of the situation.
Until she first witnessed him having one of his nightmares that is.
She woke up to him jostling left and right erratically. As she just started to wonder what was going on, his breath hitched in his throat and he began struggling for air, like he couldn’t breathe. Naturally, she began worrying and wondering what to do, especially when he suddenly started thrashing around, as if desperately trying to find something to hold onto.
She couldn’t help but stare. What is happening? He’s having a nightmare, obviously, but this violently? When taking about her amnesia, he did warn her about not all memories being good and how she shouldn’t be fooled, as we’ve all had dark times, – but this?? She’s had nightmares too, these past few days. Vivid images, fragments of haunting memories, but nothing even remotely like this. What horrors must he have gone through to cause a reaction like this? And... should she do anything about it? Could she even? And if so, what??
Wake him up? Wait, that could make it worse, right? Hold his hand? Hug him? But I barely know him, she thought. That might be crossing some boundaries, aggravate him even further. But what can I do?! He wants to help me, but who will help him?? I want to. I want to reach out to him, but how? Her thoughts were unorganized, frantic, tripping over one another and it made her head spin. As her mind kept spiraling out of control, she noticed how he had been moving so much, he was hardly still laying on the outer edge of the bed. Instinctively she reached out to grab his arm, just to prevent him from falling–
His reaction was instantaneous.
The golden eyes snapped open, as he seized her augmented arm with considerable force, pulling it harshly. In less than a heartbeat, he was sitting upright, a nanoblade extended from his other arm, bare millimeters away from her throat.
She flinched and stared at him, paralyzed, her eyes glassy, even if just for the split second it took Adam to realize what he’d almost done.
He let go immediately, apologizing profusely.
“Oh shit, I’m so sorry, Iris, I didn’t mean to...–“
“It’s okay”, she interrupted him, “I know it wasn’t on purpose.” Looking down she quietly explained. “I just saw you struggling and I didn’t know what to do. And then you almost fell off the bed so I reached out without thinking and...” she trailed off. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to startle you. I wasn’t thinking.” she repeated, looking back at him.
He sighed heavily, trailing a hand across his tired face, as he replied. “Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. You couldn’t have known...”
“But, now that I do know... is there anything I can do to snap you out of it, if this happens again?”
He looked surprised for a moment, then managed a beat smiled before replying “There’s nothing you can do... just don’t worry about me.”
“Just don’t worry about me.”
Words she’d come to hate, – especially when coming out of Adams mouth, she remembered. Actually, no, she still hates them even now.
While she continued to live with him, back then before she ran away, she heard them many more times, as she continued to see him struggle with his nightmares. It’d always start off the same:
He’d be fast asleep, calm, breathing steadily. Then, suddenly, he would become tense, sometimes just his breathing, other times his entire body. At times he would quietly utter some words, unintelligible, mostly. If not, they were apologies. Always apologies. What happened next would differ, depending on what horrid memory would haunt him this time.
Most of the time he would thrash and struggle for air, sometimes even with his Sentinel – Aug kicking in, to stabilize his unsteadily fluttering heartrate. – He must’ve almost drowned at Panchaea, he later admitted upon her inquiring. – Other times he’d mumble what she could’ve sworn were names, shaking his head violently in his sleep, but he never answered any of her questions on those. And then on occasion there were the ones where he’d just lay paralyzed, like he couldn’t move. Teeth clenched, breathing unsteady, as if he were in pain. Eyes squeezed shut, like he was being blinded by a bright light. While he refused to elaborate on the former, he did mention having an irrational antipathy for extremely bright light, for as long as he can remember. To this, Iris could relate, because for some reason unknown to her at the time, she felt the same.
Though no matter what plagued his dreams in any given instance, in the end he would always jolt up, his whole body shaking, heart racing, breathing heavily. And every time, all she could do is watch helplessly. Oh how much she hated this.
They ended up talking a lot during these nights, since they couldn’t sleep anyways.
That at least, seemed to console both of them.
In the present, Adam was still tense in her arms, even as she continued caringly whispering how he was not alone and how everything was going to be okay. That got her thinking. Of course these nightmares must have continued while she was gone. After all it’s not like something of this severity would stop any time soon. Or maybe... they got even worse? Thinking back to his facial expression, when they’d first met again after she had left his apartment that day, it had told her more than he had, verbally.
I hurt him.
That much was clear. And Iris knew, now that the veil around her past had lifted and they were reunited again, he’d long forgiven her. But still... she couldn’t help but wonder. She remembered making a sarcastic remark once, how she’d never be in his nightmares, since nothing she ever did was bad enough to qualify. Yet the honesty of his response had stuck with her since. She could still remember it word for word:
“Sometimes in my nightmares, I arrive at those labs too late... Too late to save you.”
He was scared of what Page would’ve done to her, even back then, before he had all the gruesome details. The question grew louder in her mind. Did me leaving make his nightmares worse?
Maybe. ...Probably? No, more like definitely. Fuck.
He must’ve been worried sick, his dreams painting a terrifying picture of what could, or rather would happen, if Bob Page had gotten a hold of her again.
Just as she was thinking that she heard Adam muttering something in his sleep.
“...can’t.... I can’t...” was all she could hear. So she quietly tried asking “Can’t what, Adam...?”
He stirred, “I just can’t...!” he mumbled, this time more firmly, his form growing tense again. Shit. That was not my intention, Iris thought, but right as she was trying to come up with an answer to hopefully calm him down, a tremor ran through his entire body and he squeezed his eyes shut tightly against something in his dream.
The bright lights... in his head he must be in that lab again, she reasoned, after all this disturbing part of their past they both had in common. She’d seen him have this nightmare what felt like a million times over, even prior to knowing the story behind it. Knowing what would happen next, she moved place her own hands into his, but much to her surprise all tension fell off him before she did.
This was new. And unsettling, since his face didn’t look remotely pacified, despite him not shaking anymore. Actually, he didn’t seem to be doing much of anything at all, which only added to her growing concern. He just seemed... limp.
“Adam...?” she asked carefully. Nothing. “Adam?” Louder this time, – anxiously, it was half intended to wake him up. She didn’t like this. He was still breathing, naturally – why wouldn’t he – but this stillness of his was so eerie, it freaked her out.
“Turn on lights.” she said to the smart home system. The lights came on and Adam instinctively reacted by lifting an arm over his face, burrowing it in the crook of his elbow. He didn’t say anything however, – which was a bad sign – she knew him well enough by now.
“What’s wrong...?” she softly asked, taking hold of his unoccupied hand. He closed his fingers around hers, but remained silent. “Adam, please, talk to me” she urged. He sighed, as he lifted his arm off his face, rubbing his eyes. But he couldn’t hide what she’d already seen. Tears. She pulled him close and wrapped her arms around him, as he melted into her embrace.
“What happened...?” The question was quietly nuzzled into his fluffy hair and it took a while for him to respond. “That promise I made to you... about using the killswitch...” he took a strained breath “...it scares me.”
“You know it’s the right thing to–“
“I know it is. We both do.” he interrupted. “But that still doesn’t make it feel right. Much less feel good.”
“Of course not...” she conceded, “but you shouldn’t think too much about it. Not right now anyway.”
“Yeah, right... like it’s that easy.” He snorted in disbelief before continuing, his voice increasing in volume. “After all it’s not like I want to think about it all the time, – but I just can’t help it. The thought of having to push that godforsaken button, erasing you from my life forever...” he fell silent for a moment, before faintly stating “...after everything, I can’t lose you too.”
“You won’t though. I told you, you won’t.” she retorted, this time more insistent, trying to reassure him. “I know, there’s no guarantee for anything in life, especially in lives as dangerous as ours... but I sure as hell won’t leave your side without a fight. That, you can count on.”
That did manage to get at least the tiniest of smiles out of him. “And I won’t let you go without a fight either. So this, we can agree on.”
At this declaration she tenderly placed a kiss on his forehead, smiling.
He closed his eyes “Now can you turn off the light again? It’s not exactly helpful when trying to go back to sleep.”
“You could’ve done just so yourself. This remark took way longer than just saying ‘lights off’.”
As the smart home system picked up those last words, the lights faded and they were once again engulfed by calming darkness.
---
Darkness. Some fear it, actually many people do. To Iris it used to just feel oppressive, like emptiness, but thundering, strangling, closing in on her. An unsettling feeling of nonexistence. But not anymore, – she had found her place in life, she became her own light in the darkness. One, her enemies would learn to fear, as she continued on her new found path – right besides Adam.