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march 13th, 1999
Darkness – broken only by the pale shine of the moon – surrounded the castle that Pansy called home - perhaps the only home she had ever had. Had she ever called her parents' house her home? Not that it mattered anymore with her mother’s death and her father sitting in Azkaban. Hogwarts was the only home for sure - the only place she could feel safe. A sigh escaped her at the thought of what would be after this 8th year after she would have finished her education.
How would it be to not have a place like Hogwarts? It wasn’t even the fact that it was a castle, not the fact of everything they had here. No, it was the knowledge that she was allowed to be herself here - that no one expected her to pretend. Not like her parents did, not like society did before the war.
Arms crossed in front of her chest, a helpless try to save herself from the wind that still spoke of the past long and cold winter. Spring may have brought some sun but the nights were still cold. Maybe she should have worn a jacket, not only a knee-long dark-emerald dress, that she knew he loved.
He. A smile crossed her lips, even though she didn’t really feel like smiling today. Or the last few weeks. Only the thought of him was what was giving her some strength to smile. To not only fake it. Not that anyone forced her to pretend to be happy - but still Pansy Parkinson didn’t want everyone to know how she felt.
Only a few people knew about all the things that were going on in her thoughts and emotions - and he was one of them. Maybe the one that knew the most and the one that would never tell anybody about it, the one she could trust.
And once again as she walked through the night-damp grass, she wondered if he could really feel the same as she did. After all, she did to him over all those years? What if not? That fear crossed her mind once again and a shiver went through her body, she didn’t want to think about it! But why came it up again and again? While he made her feel like she wanted to dance in a storm in her best dress with him. Fearless.
A feeling she never knew before he showed her to just go for it - no second thoughts, just do what she wanted to do. And she never felt as free as she did when she was in his arms, her head resting on his shoulders or at his breast where she could hear his heartbeat. It reassured her that he was alive. That he was still with her. That he wasn’t gone like so many others. That he was still alive.
The greenhouses were dark as she finally saw them, she took a deep breath of the cool air. Here she was – but no sign of him. Maybe he was just late? Maybe he wouldn’t come? Would leave her here with all her feelings? What, if her greatest fear …? And she couldn’t help it!
Just until … the door slid open as if by magic, a single candle flying, showing her the way inside. “Neville?” Just a whisper in the dark, as the door closed – and the candle was extinguished leaving her in the dark. A darkness so different from all the times she searched for the darkness. Because the air smelled like him, mixed with the soothing smell of earth and flowers.
And the fear left her all at once as she heard a familiar voice saying her name, as she felt a hand – so well known – clasping hers so carefully.
“You’ve found me …” The warmth of the voice made her smile again and she didn’t hesitate to follow him deeper into the dark, trusting him with all her heart.
september 8th, 1998
“Pansy? Is it you?”
The young woman flinched, startled – she had not expected anyone to come. That someone else would seek the darkness and silence of the common room in die middle of the night. Especially not … him. Neville Longbottom.
She remembered all too well his worried expression when he saw her at the beginning of the year. The way he came up to her after dinner and asked her if he could do anything for her. And all she heard in that second was his screams, the way he took the punishment for what she had done. The cruel spells and curses the Carrows had used when one of them misbehaved. There had been no one who had been safe, not even those who were purebloods like her.
Not even Draco stepped up – not even for her. But Neville did, he tried to protect her – and she didn’t even understand why he did it. Why had he come to her and asked if she was okay? That year. This first evening of the new year – after they learned that the few that came back for their eighth year would be together and not separated by houses.
And now …
“What … are you doing here?” Her voice cracked while she tried to hide that she was crying. He would even be more worried than he was before. Since the battle of Hogwarts. Since that night, that … She couldn’t hold back the sobbing. “I couldn’t sleep. Just like you …” His voice was calm and warm and the next thing, Pansy knew, was him being at her side, next to her sitting on the floor, hidden behind the old couch.
The crackling of the fire, the cracking of the wood in the fireplace was all there was.
“May I?” It was Neville who broke the silence after a few minutes. And her reaction, her snapping at him what he wanted of her, why he was there – he had expected it. After all those years he knew her – maybe even better than she could imagine. The feelings he had for her, they were more than he had ever expected.
“I just want to hold you.” Still, he remained calm, he would never be anything else. And eventually, she nodded, knowing all too well that he would never harm her.
The tears were unstoppable – and her fingers gripped onto his pyjamas, while his arms were wrapped around her. Pictures of the last year floated in their minds when they first sat like that.
“You … you kissed me …” A whisper came from her and Neville smiled wryly, nodding. “I did.” – “That night, that … I was scared you’d die!” He took a deep breath, remembering the battle of Hogwarts. Those seconds when he had been with her, telling her to find a safe place, that he couldn’t think when she wasn’t safe.
The way their lips met before their ways parted, she never answered one of his owls afterwards. Feeling guilty for not fighting at his side. The way Millicent took her hand and ran with her, she couldn't even remember where they hid. Only able to hear the voices, the screams, the crying, the yelling. Curses crashing into walls – and into bodies. She still heard it in moments of silence. And he saw it in front of him when he was awake at night.
“I know. But I’m here. You are here. And I just want to know if we have … a chance.” He gently stroked her dark hair, holding her close to him.
She needed a few minutes to answer. “I … I don’t know. I want to believe it but what if we … we are matched with … others?”
march 13th, 1999
“I found you.” She repeated his words, happy to be with him again. And she didn’t see the flicking of his wand – but the stars by the pocketful to fill the ceiling of the greenhouse. Lighting up the place in a shiny way, sparkling like they were real. And with the beginning glow of the stars, soft music began to play, filling the room. And the way he was dressed … She was happy to be wearing her dress, fitting his style today.
His fingers caressed her cheek before he wiped a strand of hair from her face. Ever so lovingly as always when he touched her. As if she was the most worthy thing to him. He made her feel complete, taking away any anxiety or sorrow.
“Would you like to dance? We never had the chance …” She nodded, feeling his hands placing hers and she just followed his lead, he was the only one who she’d allow that to do. And the way he directed her to the sound of the piano – she leaned against him, smiling, while he was in charge. A dream, it was just like a dream! And she never wanted it to end. His presence alone made her forget all the worries about the upcoming day.
And all she could think of was his heartbeat she could feel, his smell surrounding her, his hands on her back – would they ever again have a chance like that? A question she had asked herself so many times before.
The former Slytherin closed her eyes, trusting him. “I wish this would never end!” Her voice was soft, the kind of way only he heard of her. Filled with love, warmth, and something neither of them could name. But it was there, it was theirs.
“Maybe it doesn’t have to, Pansy …” He placed his lips on her forehead, kissing her gently. The times they were alone and he was allowed to kiss her, they were rare at a castle full of witches and wizards. But down here, in the middle of the night, they were all alone, just the two of them.
november 28th, 1998
Neville shook his head. There had to be a way! Something he could do, something he could say, or … The fear of losing her made it hard to think of anything else. But the thought of her being married to anyone else just because of some bloody marriage laws – and him being forced to be with another woman … Those thoughts made him sick.
And he knew her too well. He knew her fears, the nightmares accompanying her at night – and how fragile she was. Most people just saw a strong woman, but she told him about the demons of her life, that he was the only one left in her life. The way Draco had treated her the last year – not as the friend she had thought he had been. And it had felt so good to punch him for what he did to Pansy!
“Hermione?” He had not intended to ask for anybody's help – but he knew that she may be the only person who could help him now. And she looked up from her books, they were the only ones in this area of the library. “Hi, Neville!” She smiled at him but he knew what she was going through, she told him about the breakup with Ron and what that meant for her. After all this time every seemed to change.
“I have a question and I think the smartest witch here is the only one who can help me.” He smiled wryly as always while sitting down and handing her the papers he brought.
And just reading the first sentences he knew the muggleborn witch understood. “The marriage laws? Neville, I don’t understand what you …”
He interrupted her, showing her to lower her voice. “Yes, the marriage laws. I know as a muggleborn witch as long as you marry a wizard of any kind you don’t have to go through the process, but …” He swallowed hard and looked at the wood of the table as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.
“I know someone who … loves someone else. She’s a pureblood and so she falls under the new rules. That the ministry can tell her who to marry.” Hermione sighed and shook her head, her wild and untamed hair flying from side to side. “They should have never made a law like that! I mean the thought of mixing up all kinds of witches and wizards is good but the way they force it onto everyone …”
At least she understood the problem. “Even on you, Neville!” The shock of this realisation was clearly visible on her face. “I know …”, he murmured and pointed at the papers. “But that’s none of our business right now. The thing is that she is in a relationship and after all that happened it would break her to be forced to marry someone else.” He paused and looked at Hermione, trying to figure out if she’d guess that he knew more about it?
But she just nodded and looked at the paragraphs. “She’ll soon be of age and … as you may know after her birthday she has three months to go to one of the registration days and will be matched within another six months.” He wasn’t sure if Hermione really knew about it since she wasn’t affected by the law. – Little did he know that she had looked it up already because of Ron – and of her new secret relationship.
“I came to you because you understand those things and if anyone finds a way out of it, then … it’s you, Hermione. And I know we have a lot of stuff to do for school but I’m worried about her …” And the smile that the older witch gave him was kind of soothing, her hand at his shoulder a little reminder of their long friendship. “You know, Neville, I still owe you one for the leg-locker curse I used on you in our first year!” Her giggling made him laugh and it felt so good. “I think you used the full body bind, Hermione!” – “Oh, I could do that in our first year?” They burst into laughter – maybe it was good he asked for her help. If not for an answer so for the laughter.
march 13th, 1999
The way the skirt of her dress flew when he made her spin, her smile, the sparkle in her eyes – Neville wished he could make it last forever. Just this moment, just the two of them here in this greenhouse. No more worries, no more sorrows, no more fears of being separated from each other. No more nightmares and sleepless nights. Wouldn’t it be perfect?
He smiled at the thought of seeing her like this every day. Not thinking about any crazy law that would force them to do something they never wanted to do. “Oops!” Her voice came to his ears and he felt her weight at his chest. He smiled at her, leaning down and kissing her. She looked wonderful, her cheeks reddened by their dance and the swirls she made. “I think I just did too many pirouettes.”
Her voice and her giggles sounded like she was an angel sent from heaven.
And his arms wrapped around her, she fitted so perfectly, her head resting at his shoulder and for a few moments they just stood there, in the middle of the greenhouse. He had decided on the one with the flowers, it was the most beautiful of them. But it didn’t feel like a greenhouse with the stars and the darkness and the flowers. No, it felt like they were outside, in a field of flowers.
And he wasn’t known to be the most romantic, but he knew the young woman, knew that she always thought about this place as their place. Because she knew that this was what he wanted for the rest of his life – he wanted to work with magical flowers and muggle flowers as well. Was there a better place for them to be?
“I have a surprise for you, Pansy”, he murmured and felt her arms wrapping around him even stronger. “I’ve prepared something to drink and some snacks for us. Would you like this?” – Snacks may be the wrong word, more like the things she loved to eat. Like a high-class picnic – thanks to magic the meals would be perfect by now. The salad, the pasta dish and the chocolate cake with a liquid core. Everything she loved to eat.
And with a swing of his wand, some candles at the end of the room lit up, where he had prepared everything. A little table for two, glasses of wine and water, flowers in the middle. She shouldn’t think about what would be in little more than forty-five minutes. No bad thoughts today and tomorrow, just the two of them in die middle of the night.
He held her tight as they walked through the greenhouse and as they reached the table he pulled out the chair for his beautiful girlfriend, like a gentleman. “Thank you!” He smiled and sat down at the other side, reaching out to take her hand. “I … I don’t deserve all of this, Nev.” Her words were quiet, but he heard them and shook his head, before placing his free hand on his neck. “You deserve so much more, Pansy! If I could I’d give you the world! But all I have is this prepared greenhouse and a little kind of romantic picnic.” A wry smile and he heard her giggle.
“It’s more than romantic, I love it. And I love you.” Her cheeks flushed and all Neville could think of was how wonderful she was. Her words, her love – no, he was the one who didn’t deserve all of this. But she loved him. And hearing it was like a gift, more than he could ever have wished for. And he hoped that they’d have the chance that he imagined for so long. His hand found her cheek, cupping it softly and he felt her head leaning into the touch.
This moment of silence made him feel how nervous he was. What if she didn’t like the present he had for her? If she wouldn’t be happy about it? In the end, this wasn’t a fairytale, he wasn’t a prince on a white horse to come around. Still, she loved him and all he wanted was to make her happy. As happy as he had been when she first kissed him a few days ago in front of their friends and classmates.
The magical picture proved it all too well.
february 27th, 1999
His eyes were focused on the young woman sitting right in front of him. Just divided by the bottle on the ground, which was used to be spun around to select the next player. It wasn’t just because of her beauty that he couldn’t take his eyes off her or the feelings he had towards her. The love he felt. No, he was worried. More than that. The way she tried to hide her fears and emotions from everyone, the fact that he saw the slight redness of her eyes because of the tears – it broke his heart.
And seeing her now, the cheeks red of the Firewhisky one of the others brought, her laughing like everything was all right … All he wanted was to pull her into his arms and never let go – telling her over and over again that everything would be okay. That he had found a way, that they’d have a chance. But he couldn’t, not until … Until it was her birthday and the day that the law was forced onto her, deciding her future. But she’d not be the one who would have to do anything that she didn’t want. But Neville knew he wasn’t allowed to tell her before. Just in case …
He heard Draco laughing while he hugged Hermione – and he had already told her that he couldn’t imagine the two of them being together. But the muggle-born witch was his friend – and if she was happy so was he. Even though the Malfoy would never be a friend of him. He shook his head as the former Slytherin placed his hand on the bottle, trying to follow the conversation. But not without looking at Pansy. He knew she tried to hide it all; forcing laughter, faking smiles – and he couldn’t do a thing about it.
One spin. Two spins. Three spins. The magical bottle still spun around, longer than any normal bottle would have done. Sometimes faster, sometimes slower – and sometimes even changing directions. Normally those evenings were fun, even to Neville – but the thoughts about his lovely Pansy made it hard to have fun. And finally, the bottle found its new target.
“Pansy!” The voice of Draco filled the room – he was notorious for his questions and tasks, the perfect player. Not that it was unexpected after all. “Truth or dare?” All eyes on her, everyone could see that she wasn’t sure. “Draco, I don’t think, she should …” – Neville’s words were shushed with just a glance from her green eyes before she looked at Malfoy and took a deep breath.
“Dare!”
Her voice sounded so strong, so confident – as if she had waited for that moment to happen. Normally, she was the one to tell the truth – but today, something felt different. And the way Draco looked at her … The words slipped over him, and an unknown noise blocked them – it was like hearing the blood rushing in his ears.
The next thing Neville noticed was her crawling up to him – what had Malfoy told her? The shimmer in her eyes made him smile as she reached him. He could smell the Firewhisky and nearly feel her nervousity. “May I kiss you?” A question as silent as words could be – words just for him he realized. And all he did was nod.
Her hand on his neck as she kneeled in front of him, her breath on his lips before she closed the room between them … She tasted like the drinks she had – and something that he would always connect to her. And in his thoughts, her name echoed, the kiss left him wonderstruck. And he smiled, wrapping his arms around her body.
She would be safe with him, he would know how to save her from her fears about the future. For a moment, all was forgotten – their friends and classmates, the fact they were watched. He didn’t even realize the clicking of the camera. A magical picture would remind them of now.
“Finally, we don’t have to hide any longer!” Her whispered words were like a drug and Neville couldn’t help but kiss her again. Happier than ever.
march 14th, 1999
“Pansy?”
She looked at him, the tears in her eyes were obvious as the clock changed to midnight. Both of them knew what it would mean to her, that now that the new day would begin there was this … thing. And she heard it in his voice, all his love, everything that she loved so much about him.
The meal was long gone, now they were sitting in the middle of the greenhouse on a blanket, pillows stacked around them and her head rested on his shoulder. She didn’t want to say anything, just wanted to stay here forever. It was like flying in a dream, the stars above them, the sound of midnight rain on the glasses.
And the way he touched her, gentle and loving, as he brought a little space between them. Just a few centimetres, not more – just enough so he could kiss her forehead. “Happy birthday, Pansy.” The warmth in his voice, her name from his lips. And she felt him taking her hand, holding it in his that was much bigger than hers. Like he would when they went out to the sea or on the grounds together.
“Thank you for everything, Neville …”, she whispered, looking up to him.
A moment of silence surrounded them as they just sat there. “I’ve just one more thing, Pans. And … I’d love it if you just listen to me.” His voice was shaky and she could feel his hand tremble as he stood up, helping her to stand up too. She didn’t realize the candles that were now around them, the music that changed again. For seconds, fear struck her like a flash, her heart racing. What if he would end it? What if he would tell her that it was over? That now that she had to …
“I remember the first time I ever saw you, Pansy. That first evening in the great hall. All those years, your words, your yokes about me … I close my eyes and the flashback stars. But as I got to know you, I learned about a young woman that I love with all my heart. I see sparks fly whenever you smile. Feel the pain when you cry – and I want to take it away. Want to do everything I can just to see your smile. To see happiness in your eyes. To make you happy.”
She blinked, trying to understand what he wanted to say. Not realizing she held her breath for the words.
“And I would do everything to protect you, just to know you’re safe and sound. And I want to do this my whole life, Pansy Parkinson. I love you and I want to tell you every single day while feeling your head on my chest, your lips on mine.”
She gasped as he dropped to his knee, a small box in his hand. “I know your secrets, your fears, your wishes, your dreams. And I want to live my life with you if you want me to. I love you and that’s all I really know.”
The box opened and in the shine of hundreds of stars and candles burning the emerald stone glimmered. “Please, marry me, Pansy, and you’ll never have to be alone, anymore.”
Tears dropped to the ground, as Pansy fell to her knees, her arms around his strong shoulders. And the second she went down, he was there. Holding her tight, not letting her go. “I love you and I want to be yours forever, Pans …”, he murmured softly, waiting for her to answer.
With a soft smile lying on her lips, Pansy hummed one of her favourite songs while she looked at the flowers, trying to decide which ones she wanted to use for her bouquet. Maybe Lilacs as the main flowers? Her smile grew bigger as she thought about it. That day five years ago she wore a white dress and had a bouquet made of Lilacs, white Peonies and other flowers in all shades of white, pink and lilac. The day that truly saved her soul.
And as the door rang, she looked up from the flowers, seeing a young woman, maybe two or three years younger than her. “Welcome to Longbottom’s! How may I help you?” She came closer to the other woman, listening to her wishes. And her dark hair whipped as she nodded her head. “I don’t think that’d be a problem, miss. If you like you can look around and cross here which flowers you like to have.”
“Mummy!” A childish voice filled the room and just seconds later she felt small arms around her legs. “There you are again, Olli!” And she didn’t even think about it as she took him up into her arms, kissing him on the forehead. Her little two-and-a-half-year-old son and the steps that followed, she knew them all too well. Arms wrapping around her from behind and she closed her eyes for a little moment. Peace filled her mind and her heart. Finally, everything was well.