Work Text:
A click sounds as the recording starts.
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“Captain’s log, stardate 2333.59. This Captain thing is a lot of work. We left the dock three weeks ago, and I’ve barely had a waking moment to myself since then. The ship is gorgeous, of course. Everything is in perfect condition. The techs at the starbase did incredible. The crew is taking their time to get situated. I’ve mostly been dealing with petty squabbles and personnel issues, more than I’ve been spending time on the bridge. I never thought anything could make me hate being a captain, but if this continues for the rest of the five years, I just might.”
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“Captain’s log, stardate 2333.95. We had our first planet-side mission today. The team was fine, just some minor scrapes and bruises. Although, if you listen to Bones’ complaining, you would think that they were on death’s door. The away team brought back tons of good data and some very unusual samples, which have even Spock interested.”
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“Captain’s log, stardate 2334.24. The most recent planet we’ve been assigned to is currently in the middle of a war. The Starfleet team on the surface is running short of supplies, and we’ve been sent to restock them. I will be leading the landing party, despite Spock and Bones’ protests. I am the Captain, and I refuse to send my team somewhere I am unwilling to go myself.”
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“Captain’s log, stardate 2334.25.” A heavy sigh can be heard on the recording. “I failed my team today. I beamed down with the away crew. We arrived directly into an ambush. By the time Scotty could beam us back up, I was the only survivor. We were unable to recover the bodies. Such bright souls, cut off too early. I should have done more to protect them. I should have ordered another scan of the surface, or beamed down alone, or reacted faster. I have to write to their parents tomorrow, tell them that their children died for a good cause. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to get through it.”
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“Captain’s log, stardate 2334.26” The voice on the recording is slightly slurred. “I’ve been trying to write these letters all day. I want to tell these parents that their children died with honor. That they died for a reason. But I can’t. I heard from the Admiralty today. Starfleet is pulling out of this planet. Yesterday’s loss was the last straw. We’re giving up.” Glass shatters in the background. “I sent my crew in for nothing. They died for NOTHING! How can I tell their parents that?”
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“Captain’s log, stardate 2334.95. Today is the one year mark on our five year mission. We had a small celebration today. The crew asked me to say a few words, and so I did. I spoke about the excitement of the anniversary, the hope for four more good years. There was a moment of silence for those we’ve lost. Then the drinks came out. It was a wonderful night. For the first time in a long while, I found myself no longer alone. I left with a last toast, ‘To space, the Final Frontier.’ The crew laughed at the cheesiness of it, but they obligingly raised their glasses. I left pretty early, but I’m pretty sure most of the crew are still celebrating. Bones is going to have his work cut out for him in the morning.”
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“Captain’s log, stardate 2335.32. Bones and Spock are both mad at me, and I can’t figure out why. I must have said something. For a Vulcan who doesn’t believe in showing emotions, Spock is surprisingly good at holding a grudge. It’s incredibly lonely without them to rely on and confide in. I didn’t realized just how isolating it is to be the Captain, especially when the two people you count on most aren’t speaking to you. I need to fix it. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on alone.”
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“Captain’s log, stardate 2335.87 With the two year mark of our voyage rapidly approaching, we have received a new assignment. It should be an easy one, but it will be good to have a definite purpose. It’s crazy how quickly you can lose your heading in the vast emptiness of space. How the things which once held pleasure are now pointless. How the once energizing newness can change to mind numbing sameness. How once close friendships can fade to bitter grudges when faced with the tensions of command. I am surrounded by hundreds of people, and I have never felt more alone.”
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“Acting Captain’s log, stardate 2335.91. Captain Kirk beamed down with the away team this morning. Precisely 37.2 minutes later, they were attacked by a previously undiscovered beast. The team managed to fight it off, but not before the captain was grievously injured. Dr. McCoy is uncertain if he will survive. I have assumed command, and am attempting to continue our mission. I will admit, I am finding it difficult. How did the captain cope with these pressures? Even with the shield of logic, I am struggling to bear it.”
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“Acting Captain’s log, stardate 2335.95. As is tradition, the crew held a celebration for the anniversary of our mission. I attempted a short speech, but my efforts met with none of the effect that the captain tends to elicit. The festivities were subdued, the crew worried for their captain, who has still not woken up. Morale is at an all-time low. If we were to lose him, I fear what it would do to the crew. I fear what it would do to me.”
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“Acting Captain’s log, stardate 2336.02. The captain opened his eyes today. He is still a long way from recovery, but it is reassuring to know that recovery will happen. The crew is ecstatic, and I will admit to being relieved as well. The past 11 days have given me little time to think, but what time I have had, I have spent considering my actions. I believe that I have acted unfairly towards the captain, and my fear this last week has been that he may die without me getting the chance to admit it. I have felt the pressure of command for less than two weeks. Jim has borne them these last two years. The isolation of this position is too much to bear alone, and I have allowed my pride to force that pressure onto Jim. He has borne it well, but I will no longer allow him to bear it along.”
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“Captain’s log, stardate 2336.16. Bones has kept me on medical leave for the past two weeks, even though I’ve been fine. I have tons of paperwork to catch up on, but…” A knock sounds in the background of the recording, and the voices of the Commander and Chief Medical Officer can be faintly heard. “I don’t have to do it alone anymore.”