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Chapter Text

Anya walked downstairs to the lobby of the Hyperion, where Angel was standing and talking to himself.

"What does Connor see in Cordelia?"

"Are you stupid or something?" Anya asked him. "It's obvious. Have you seen Cordelia?"

"Why are you here Anya?"

"You hired Xander to do some work on the Hyperion. Did you forget?"

"Of course I didn't forget! And that explains why Xander is here, but not why you are here. What are you doing here?"

"I came to watch Xander work. I enjoy watching him work."

"Let me rephrase that," Angel started. "Why are you in the lobby listening to my private conversation instead of watching Xander work?"

"If you want privacy, don't stand in the lobby where everyone can see and hear you," Anya told him. "And to have a conversation, you need more than one person. It wasn't a conversation until I spoke. I was heading out because we need more batteries when I heard you whining about Connor."

"I do not whine!" Angel objected. "And what do you need batteries for? Xander's tools are all power tools or hand tools. And what do you mean 'we'? Xander is doing the work..."

Angel paused, as a thought struck him. He'd already heard about Anya from Willow and the others. "Please don't answer those questions," he added, worried about what details she might provide.

"Are you sure? It might help you with Cordelia."

"Of course I'm su..." Angel started, before pausing again. "...really?"

Chapter Text

Buffy was feeling down, again, thanks to her relationships. She'd gone out by herself and bumped into Anya in the Bronze - or perhaps it was Anyanka again, given that Anya was once more a vengeance demon. They'd headed back to Anya's place for some peace and quiet, neither really in the mood for the music and energy at the club.

"I don't know, Anya, I'm sick of men," Buffy said, after Anya had handed her a drink.

"I understand perfectly. I have been sick of them for most of my life," was Anya's response. "And that's a long time."

"I don't know what to do with my dating life."

"You should date a woman," Anya said brightly.

"A woman? Why would I date a woman?"

"Because then you wouldn't have problems with a man."

"Sure... and where would I find this woman anyway?" was Buffy's, somewhat sarcastic, response to this.

"As it happens, I am currently available."

"Anya... are you hitting on me?"

"Yes. Is that so impossible to understand? You have a figure that is pleasing to the eye."

"Anya, you're a woman."

"Yes. I know. We had already established you should date a woman so you don't have problems with men. And my figure is equally as pleasing as yours to the eye. See?" Anya slipped out of her dress and dropped it on the floor to demonstrate. After all, this had worked with Xander after she'd explained the logic of what she intended to him as well. It had taken a while, but she'd persisted and was perfectly happy to do so again.

Buffy was rendered speechless for a moment, not knowing where to look. "And you're a demon!" she finally blurted out.

"So? You've slept with two vampires. Don't you think I'm attractive?"

"No! Yes! I mean... I don't know... you're confusing me now... oh god..." Buffy stammered to a halt. Now I know how Xander must have felt, she thought. Then realised something, given she seemed unable to stop looking at Anya. Oh god, I do know how Xander must have felt... and I know where that went.

Chapter Text

"No bunch of little girls can defeat me," Caleb gloated as he confronted Buffy, Anya and the Potentials.

"You are so very wrong about that Caleb," Buffy told him.

"Caleb? This priest's name is Caleb?" Anya asked.

"Yeah, why?" Buffy said. "Didn't you know?"

"Hey!" Caleb objected. "I'm talking here! Girls be quiet!"

"I did not," Anya said, paying Caleb's interruption no attention, to his visible annoyance. "Back when I was an avenging demon, a young woman wanted Anyanka to visit vengeance on a priest called Caleb."

"Doesn't look like it worked," Buffy told Anya.

"Of course not! No female magic can beat me!"

"Well... the woman didn't know enough to properly identify Caleb enough for Anyanka. I wonder..." Anya trailed off.

Caleb, angry at how no-one seemed to be paying much attention to him now, started forward in a temper, saying "Going to teach you girls a lesso..." before suddenly exploding in a mass of gore and blood.

"Interesting," was Anya's comment on Caleb's gruesome death. "I guess the wish didn't work until Caleb could be identified by me. I didn't know wishes could be delayed like that. I'm sure Giles will want to know about this." She then glanced at Buffy, who had been standing closest to Caleb when he exploded, in concern. "Oh, no, Buffy! All that blood and gore's ruined your outfit! I'm so sorry. It was a lovely ensemble." Anya's distress over the damage to Buffy's outfit appeared genuine.

"Under the circumstances," Buffy replied, picking pieces of Caleb out of her hair and wiping his blood from her face, "I forgive you. I really need a shower, though."

"Yes. You do."

"I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair," Buffy sang, then snorted laughter.

"Remember to put some bleach down the plughole afterwards," Anya reminded her. "Otherwise, it will get unpleasant. The smell."

Buffy could barely stop laughing now, at the thought of Caleb's final disposal consisting of being flushed down a plughole, then having bleach poured after him.

Chapter Text

Anya arrived at Buffy's house, unannounced and unusually without Xander.

"Good news," she told Buffy without preamble. "Tara and I have arranged a date for you."

"Err... I didn't ask you to," Buffy said, puzzled.

"I know, but this is for your own good."

"And... why did you and Tara arrange it?"

"I needed Tara's help. She has skills I lack."

"You mean... because she's a witch?" Buffy asked hopefully. And with a definite concern that this wasn't the case.

"Of course not," Anya told her. "I know a lot about magic and used to be a practicing witch myself. It was to find a woman for you to date."

"A woman?! You do know I like men?!"

"You can like both. You should give up on men, however. You have terrible taste in men. I have over a thousand years of memories of bad relationships between men and women, and all yours with men qualify. You need a woman in your life. Do not worry. We have sorted this for you. Make sure you wear something nice for your date."

"My date?"

"Yes. I told you that you have a date at the start of the conversation. You will need to start getting ready; she is coming here in two hours."

"You gave her my address?!"

"Of course. How else would she be able to find you?"

Chapter Text

The Scoobies stood around the minion that they had just captured. He was currently unconscious, but he wasn't going to remain that way for long.

"We're going to need to tie him up before he wakes up," Giles said.

"Xander's good with knots," Anya volunteered. "Or I have some handcuffs you can borrow. They're fur-lined as the ordinary metal ones chafe unpleasantly." She reached into her purse and pulled out four sets. "Remember, you can't keep them. I will want them back." She handed them to Giles. Or, rather, placed them in Giles's unresisting hands. The others saw him visibly cringe as Anya did that.

"How... what... why..." Buffy stammered, unable to form a coherent sentence.

"Buffy, I beg of you, please don't finish any of those questions," Giles pleaded with her. He held the handcuffs gingerly. "Um... does anyone want to put them on this minion?" he asked the others. By the looks on most of their faces, they did not.

"Oh, pass them here," Xander said. "We'll do it. Anya, can you give me a hand please?"

"Of course. It's not like we haven't both put someone in handcuffs before. Though this is a far less enjoyable use of them than normal."

"True."

"There's always later."

"Do you want to have this discussion in private?" Giles said. He thought for a moment. "Let me rephrase that. Please have this discussion in private."

And why does Anya have their handcuffs with her anyway? And what else does she have in her purse? Buffy thought. Oh god, please stop thinking, brain.

Chapter Text

Buffy was standing close to Faith, their breaths mingling, their faces only inches away from each other. "Faith, are you ready?" Buffy asked.

"I am," Faith whispered to her. "Finally, we can do what everyone knows we want to do. What we have wanted to do for so long."

"Yes, my lo..."

Before Buffy could finish the sentence, a bell started ringing loudly.

Jolted out of sleep by her alarm going off, Faith yelled at it. "DAMMIT! I WAS JUST GETTING TO THE GOOD BIT!" She pounded on the alarm repeatedly until it was just a mess of broken parts.

There was a knock on her bedroom door and Buffy called through it. "Err... Faith? You okay in there?"

"Yeah... I'm fine."

"I heard some yelling and smashing sounds."

"The alarm startled me awake," Faith told her, "and I smashed it."

"Done that. Anything I can do to help?"

You could do me. That would help, Faith thought - she'd been tempted to mumble it but Slayers had good hearing - but said "No, it's okay," settling back on her bed with a frustrated sigh.

Chapter Text

Connor was in the lobby of the Hyperion when he saw Anya coming down the stairs. "Hi Anya," he said. "Are you going out?"

"Yes, Xander and I have run out of batteries again."

"Batteries?" Connor asked, confused.

"I explained to Angel. Ask him if you want to know more." Anya paused. "Angel said you spent much of your life in another dimension?"

"Yes, Quor'toth."

"Really? My friend Hallie and I went on a vacation there," Anya told him.

"... a vacation?" Connor asked, now even more confused. "...to Quor'toth?" He couldn't see how that would be anyone's idea of a vacation spot.

"Oh yes. I imagine it's changed since then. It was a hundred years ago."

"A hundred years?" Did I miss something about Anya? Connor thought to himself. I thought she was just Xander's girlfriend.

"Yes. I used to be a vengeance demon. Did you not know?"

"No... I didn't. A vengeance demon?" Okay, I guess I did miss something. Maybe I should pay more attention when people are talking.

"I used to visit the wrath of wronged women on men." Anya carefully looked Connor over. "Some of the men were about your age."

"My age?"

"Teenaged males can be nasty," Anya told him, continuing on out of the hotel.

"That was odd. And kind of frightening," Connor said to himself. "...and strangely appealing," he finished after a pause of consideration. "...I need to try and meet normal girls," Connor said with a sigh.

Chapter Text

The Scoobies had just finished tying up a captured minion when Giles suddenly laughed out of the blue.

"What's so funny?" Buffy asked him.

"This just reminded me of some of the things Ethan, I and the others used to do to each other in my Ripper years," Giles explained.

The Scoobies tried to pretend they hadn't heard Giles's comment. Except for Anya, who interestedly asked "Really? Please go on, I would like to hear more."

"Please don't," Buffy told him. "I really don't want to hear more."

"You were right as well, Anya," Giles told the ex-demon.

"About what?" she asked him.

"According to Joyce, the ordinary metal handcuffs do chafe unpleasantly."

"Ah yes."

"Buffy?" Willow said to her friend who had gone completely still and had a thousand-yard stare. "Buffy? Are you okay?" She waved a hand in front of Buffy's eyes, but got no response from her. Giles' comment looked to have completely disassociated Buffy from reality.

"I am sure she will be fine in a bit," Anya said, wanting to get back to more important topics. "So, Giles, when did you handcuff Joyce? And what did you do then?"

"An... Buffy won't be fine if you keep on this subject..."

"But it is interesting!"

Chapter Text

"Good evening, Mr Dupont," Lilah said as her client was shown into her office.

"Good evening, Ms Morgan," he replied, with the faint traces of a French accent. "I believe you wanted to discuss the book?" he asked, gesturing at one on her desk.

"Yes. And, sorry if this offends, but my colleagues and I found it hilarious."

"No offence taken, Ms Morgan," Dupont replied. "To those of us in the know, it is hilarious."

"Anyway," Lilah went on, "I thought I'd fill you in on how it's going."

Dupont took a closer look at the book as she pushed it towards him. He cocked an eyebrow quizzically.

"Our focus groups decided that a female author played better. We've hired an actress to completely play the role."

"That is perfectly fine," Dupont replied. "What I'm interested in is getting as wide an audience as possible."

"Then I think you'll be pleased. In certain demographics this book is playing very well. So well, in fact, that I can easily see demands for more books, and we're discussing film deals with Hollywood."

Dupont cocked an eyebrow again. "That popular?" he asked. "I had no idea."

"There is a very high demand among a large portion of the market for this kind of unrealistic fiction. If they only knew the truth..."

Dupont laughed. "... they would head to the hills."

"The first print run has already sold out an we've started a second. Incidentally, this is also going to make you a lot of money, though I know that wasn't the issue. As you wished, once you have revealed yourself to fans of the book, you will find them easy meat."

Dupont picked up the book and looked at it. "Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer," the vampire read out. "I like it."

Chapter Text

Faith turned the knife in her hand, admiring its sharpness and watching her reflection in the highly-polished blade. She smiled as she held it out, lightly running a finger against the edge.

"Look how sharp it is. Think what it could do to you. Do you want me to stick it in you? Do you want me to make you bleed?" she almost-whispered, staring at her target, which remained motionless.

"Faith, will you stop playing and please just carve the turkey! We're starving!" Buffy complained.

"Oh, alright B. Where's your sense of fun?" Faith plunged the blade into the turkey with more gusto than skill and started hacking away at it, turkey juices splattering those closest to the bird.

"Err... why are we letting Faith carve the turkey?" Xander whispered to Buffy, on seeing the mess Faith was making.

"Do you want to try and take the knife from her?" Buffy whispered back.

"Ah... no. I'll pass."

"That's why."

Chapter Text

Buffy arrived home to hear the tail end of a conversation her mother was having on the phone.

"...and bring the handcuffs. Yes, see you later Rupert. Yes, I'm looking forward to it too."

"Mom? Who were you speaking to? It sounded like... Giles." she asked.

"Oh, honey, I was just inviting Mr Giles to come over later. Would you mind being out for the evening? We have some things we need to discuss in private."

"Giles is coming over? With... handcuffs... and you want... privacy... oh god, I do not want to think about this. I have no problem leaving you alone. I will be somewhere else. Somewhere far, far away. Scrubbing my brain with bleach. I'm going there now... oh god."

Chapter Text

Spike counted the money he'd made so far. Decent night, but need a bit more, he thought. He could hear a single person, a woman from what he could tell, heading towards the Bronze and he vamped up, waited for them to get close enough, then leapt out with a roar.

The woman he'd startled screamed loudly, then rammed a stake through his heart.

"Oh fu..." was all Spike got out before he turned to dust.

"That was very stupid Spike!" Anya told the dissipating cloud of dust. "And now you're all over me." She brushed herself a few times to get rid of the dust.

Should I tell someone? Anya wondered. Then shrugged. It wasn't like Spike was anyone's friend. Besides, she still wanted that drink. Even more now, as vampire dust had gone into her mouth. Dusted vampire tasted vile. Anya continued on to the Bronze.

Chapter Text

Buffy had found Faith again, wanting to give the other Slayer one last chance. Nothing she was saying was getting through, though. How can I reach her? Buffy thought. How can I make her feel? She realised that the answer was obvious; it was something she'd been repressing herself, but she knew what she had to do to get through. To make Faith truly feel.

Buffy reached out and took Faith's head in her hands, fast enough that she caught the other Slayer by surprise. Before Faith could react, Buffy crushed her mouth against Faith's. Faith briefly resisted, then cupped the back of Buffy's head with one hand and placed the other on her back, drawing the Slayer tightly to her, her lips parting as she enthusiastically returned the kiss.

When they finally came up for air several minutes later, Faith said, somewhat breathlessly, "Not an argument I expected you to make, B. I like it."

"Shut up and kiss me again Faith," Buffy ordered.

"Is that all you want to do B?"

"Does it look like it?" Buffy asked, her fingers now busy with the fastenings on Faith's clothes. "Less talk; more action."

"Whatever you say, B," Faith replied, kissing Buffy again, but moving her hands to where they could do their own work on Buffy's clothes.

Buffy entered the library with Faith. They weren't holding hands, though Buffy ached to twine her fingers between Faith's.

"Faith has agreed to help us against the Mayor," she told the others. "She got in with him, but I've talked her around. There are other matters that will need to be discussed, but later."

"What did you say to her?" Willow asked.

"She mentioned god a lot," Faith replied with a smirk at Buffy, who flushed slightly.

Giles, who wasn't the naive innocent he made himself out to be in front of the children, sighed and removed his glasses. He had caught the subtext, though it was clear that no-one else had.

Chapter Text

Spike was in his crypt doing his hair, something that would take some time for a normal person, and a great deal of time for someone without a reflection. However, the vampire always felt it was worth it to maintain his look. It also required a great deal of hair product; ironic, given Spike's comments about Angel's use of product in the past.

Spike was trying out a new hair spray, but was having problems with the canister. Frustrated, he handed it to Harmony.

"Harm, take this for a moment," Spike told her, taking out a lighter and his cigarettes. He put one in his mouth. "Can't get the damn spray to work properly," he said, flicking his lighter and holding the flame to the cigarette in his mouth.

"Oh, it's easy," Harmony replied. "I've used this one myself in the past. See, you just press this here," demonstrating and spraying it over Spike. More precisely, spraying the flammable substance through the flame of Spike's lighter, which ignited it, and the resulting flames caused Spike's product-covered hair to catch fire and finally Spike himself.

"Aaargh!" Spike screamed as he went up in flames. "You bloody idiot Har..."

Spike disintegrated into a cloud of dust before he could finish.

"Blondie Bear?"

Chapter Text

Buffy was at home alone when there was a thunderous crash as her front door burst open. "TINY WOMAN!" came a bellow from the open door. Or, rather, the opening where there used to be a door.

"Olaf?" Buffy asked.

"YES! IT IS I, OLAF, TINY WOMAN! I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE LAND OF TROLLS!"

"Um, why?"

"I RETURNED FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU FIGHT WELL FOR SUCH A SMALL WOMAN! I WISH TO COURT YOU!"

"You... what?!"

"WE SHALL GO OUT AND MAKE MERRY IN THE TOWN! WE SHALL QUAFF MEAD AND STRIKE DOWN OUR FOES! THERE SHALL BE MUCH DESTRUCTION!"

"Err, I don't really want to cause destruction. And I already have one unwanted suitor hanging around."

"YOU MEAN THE PUNY VAMPIRE?! HA! I SQUASHED HIM! HE SHALL TROUBLE YOU NO MORE!"

"Um, thanks. I think."

"NOW, LET US GO AND SQUASH THIS GOD THAT TROUBLES YOU! WE SHALL POUND HER INTO DUST AND MAKE MERRY ON HER CORPSE!"

"Well, um, that actually does sound kinda tempting."

"SEE?! WE ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER! LET US CRUSH THIS GOD AND I WILL PROVE MY WORTHINESS TO YOU!"

"Okay, the crushing sounds good. But could you turn it down a notch?"

"DOWN?! THIS IS MY NORMAL VOICE! DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ME YELL?!"

"No. Really, really no. But let's get back to this god-crushing thing. And if I come outside to make talking easier, will you promise not to attack?"

"I GIVE YOU MY WORD, TINY WARRIOR! YOU WERE A WORTHY FOE, EVEN MORE THAN THE LITTLE MAN!"

"Okay, Olaf, let's talk."

"AND THE COURTING?!"

"Let's... see how the god-crushing goes first."

"AH! YOU AGREE TO LET ME PROVE MYSELF TO YOU!"

"Um. If that's how you want to take it." Buffy paused. "And try not to damage any more of my home."

"THE DOOR WAS PUNY!"

Chapter Text

Buffy and Faith stood by the bed in their shared dream of Faith's apartment.

"Just take what you need," Faith said, then asked, "You ready?" tenderly cupping Buffy's cheek with one hand.

"Yes," Buffy whispered back. "I've been ready for so long. I could never admit to you how I feel about you in the real world. Finally, here, there's nothing stopping me."

"Got a bed in this dream apartment B."

"I know." Buffy reached out to pull Faith's head closer to her own, moistening her lips with her tongue, watching how Faith's eyes followed it. She moved close enough that her and Faith's breaths started to mingle.

"We gonna be using it real soon B."

"Y..." Buffy started saying, before everything went white and faded away.

"SON OF A BITCA!" Buffy yelled in frustration as she woke up in the hospital bed.

Chapter Text

With the demons killed, Buffy asked "Uh, what do we do with the trio here? Should we burn them?"

"I brought marshmallows," Willow said, causing everyone but Anya to give her a look.

"I think smoke from burning demons would spoil the flavour of the marshmallows," Anya said. "Though we won't know for sure until we try." She started looking around through the debris in the cave, finally pulling out a couple of sticks and several pieces of wood as the others watched.

"We can put the marshmallows on the sticks and use these to make a fire," Anya said. "Now, where are the marshmallows?"

"An... I think Will is joking about the marshmallows," Xander told her, then paused. "You are joking, aren't you?" he asked worriedly.

"Occasionally, I'm callous and strange."

Chapter Text

"It did get a little sexy, didn't it?" Anya said when they'd finished the spell.

Willow smiled, but quickly smoothed her face again. Then a thought struck her. "Anya?" she asked.

"Yes?"

"With you saying it got a little sexy, have you ever thought of, well, you know... being with a woman?"

"You mean having orgasms with a woman?" Willow winced. Anya looked at Willow as if she was being slow. "I spent over a millennia wreaking the vengeance of wronged women on men. Do you really think I had much interest in men in all those centuries? That's why my feelings for Xander were so confusing. I hadn't felt like that about a male of the species in a long, long time." Anya paused. "And my job brought me into contact with a lot of women. Why, I remember this one woman wished I would..." Willow hastily clapped her hands over her ears, finally removing them to hear "...with her." Anya smiled at the memory. "That was a lot of fun."

"But... what about your issues with me?"

The 'Willow is being slow' look again. "I had problems with you because of both of our feelings for Xander, because I knew you had wanted him in the past." Anya paused. "And because of your reckless approach to magic."

"Oh... And I guess you do know something about magic."

"Of course I do. I was human when I punished Olaf for betraying me. Men. You can't trust them. Or their penises."

"You do find women attractive then?"

"Yes. I find both you and Buffy attractive. There was a time when I would have enjoyed having sex with either of you."

Willow blushed. "There was a time? I guess that's in the past then."

Anya looked Willow over with a frankness Willow found... something. She wasn't sure what she felt. Only that it wasn't unpleasant. "Not any more," Anya said. "If you are interested."

Willow blushed harder. Because she did find Anya attractive; she may have found the other woman frequently irritating, but never unattractive. Very attractive in fact. Willow realised she was looking Anya over in return. But it was so soon since Tara. Maybe... later?

Chapter Text

With Adam defeated, Buffy collapsed and Riley caught her. In the other room, Giles, Xander and Willow were exhausted after their ritual and Willow started saying "Wow, that was..." when a demon burst through the barricade and into the room, only to be killed by Spike who was following. "Nasty sort of fellow," Spike said. "Lucky for you blighters I was here, eh?"

"Yes. Uh, thank you," Giles replied. "Although your heroism is slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam start a war that would kill us all."

"You probably just saved us so we wouldn't stake you right here," Xander said.

"Well, yeah. Did it work?"

"Nope," Buffy said from behind him, driving a stake into Spike's heart, the last expression on his face before he turned to dust being total shock.

The other three, and Riley, who was just behind Buffy, were looking at her in shock as well.

"Guys, the only reason I didn't stake Spike before is the chip meant he wasn't a threat. But look how much damage he's caused and how many people he's helped kill even with the chip, and all the people he could have caused the deaths of. And he thought he should be let go after this, after he clearly proved that even with the chip, he's dangerous? What am I, stupid?"

"Yeah... I guess that makes sense," Willow said. It looked like Giles and Xander agreed as well.

"So, who wants pizza? I'm starved!"

Chapter Text

Anya and Buffy were seated together in the Bronze, the others all elsewhere, when Anya, just as Buffy was taking a drink, asked her out of the blue "Buffy, why aren't you gay?"

Some of Buffy's drink snorted out through her nostrils and she choked. Anya helpfully handed her a napkin to wipe up the mess. "Um, what?" Buffy said.

"Gay. Why aren't you?"

"Gah?"

"No, gay. Willow had a bad experience with Oz and now she's gay. Your experiences with men have been far worse. You should follow her example."

"I'm not attracted to women!" Buffy protested.

"Nonsense," Anya told her. "Xander has told me how you behaved around Faith. I have been around for over a thousand years, and I know when a woman is attracted to another woman, and by his description, you clearly were attracted to Faith and she to you.

"You should date a woman," Anya continued. "Now, let me see if I still have my eye for this." She looked around the Bronze, before settling on one woman. "That young woman there," Anya said to Buffy. "She is on her own, and she is only looking at other women. I believe she is looking for one as a sexual partner. You should speak to her."

"I can't speak to her!" Buffy protested.

"I understand. This will be your first sexual encounter with a woman and you are nervous." Anya patted Buffy's hand reassuringly. "Do not worry. I will assist you. I shall speak to her on your behalf." Anya stood up and headed towards the young women she had pointed out to Buffy.

"...help?" Buffy said quietly.

Chapter Text

Welsey rushed into the office in the Hyperion where Angel was standing over his desk with a mallet. "Angel! Stop!" he called out anxiously.

"What's wrong?" Angel asked him.

"That translation I did?"

"Yes?"

"I made a slight error with it."

"You said 'To keep the hell god imprisoned, break the urn.'"

"Yes. That was wrong. It should have been 'To set the hell god free, break the urn.' It is imperative you don't break the urn."

"That would have been very good to know, Wesley. About a minute ago." Angel gazed down at the broken pieces of the urn on his desk.

"Oops," Wesley muttered as the building began to shake and the ground to rumble.

Cordelia had followed Wesley in. "You need to contact whatever correspondence company you learned ancient languages from and ask for a refund," she told Wesley. "And you need to learn what 'slight error' means."

Chapter Text

Buffy had had enough. She was storming home, Spike following. "It changes everything, Spike! I want you out! I want you out of this town. I want you off this planet! You don't come near me, my friends or my family again, ever! Understand?" she told him.

"No. It's not that easy," Spike told her. "We have something, Buffy. It's not pretty, but it's real. And there's nothing either one of us can do about it. Like it or not, I'm in your life," he finished as she entered her home.

"Easily solved," Buffy snarled at him, spinning round and driving a stake into his heart.

As Spike turned to dust, Buffy yelled at the dissipating cloud, "Enough is enough! I have had it! I did not appreciate you kidnapping me and chaining me up!"

"Really?" Anya asked from behind her. "That last bit can be fun!"

"Anya?" Buffy asked in surprise. "I didn't know you were there."

"I saw you stake Spike. I may not be a vengeance demon any longer, but I can still appreciate vengeance when it is done well."

"Oh," Buffy said. Then answered Anya's earlier question. "Being unwillingly chained up is never fun."

"Ah," Anya replied. "You enjoy it when it's done willingly then? When did you do it?"

"I am so not having this conversation with you!"

Chapter Text

Spike was trying to concentrate on what he was reading, but the noise was making it difficult. It was worse than Harmony's yapping. Harmony had had her uses, Spike admitted, but sometimes he thought about hunting down the vamp who turned her and killing them. Just because. But that wouldn't help with the current noise.

"Dru, love?" Spike called out.

"Yes, Spikey?" Drusilla said. "I'm playing with my dollies."

"I know you are love," he said. Then looked at where several people were hanging from the ceiling, ropes holding them up like puppets, which Drusilla was controlling. "I know you're playing with your dollies, but the noise is getting on my nerves. Can't you at least gag them or something, if you aren't going to kill them?"

"But I like the noise, Spikey. I like the screams they make when I pull the ropes. But if they annoy my Spikey, I can help."

Drusilla went and got a package and gave it to Spike.

"Noise cancelling headphones?"

"They're the latest thing, Spikey."

Spike smiled. "You're so thoughtful, love."

Chapter Text

Buffy looked at the now-inactive April who had been brought back to the Magic Box and was currently in the basement. It was incredible how real she looked. Buffy reached out and stroked April's cheek. She even felt real. Cool, now, with no power, but it still felt like real flesh.

"I wonder if Willow can repair her?" Buffy mused to herself. "Though she'd need some reprogramming. No obeying that jerk Warren, for one thing. Maybe she could be made more human? Her personality was a bit shallow." Buffy paused. "No more than Harmony's, though," she snickered. "I wonder what April would be like if Willow could fix her up and make her more of her own person?"

Buffy paused. She realised she was still stroking April's cheek.

"Oh my god, what am I thinking!" She hastily jerked her hand away.

"That was really weird." Buffy hastily left April behind, heading back upstairs. Though she couldn't resist one last look behind her as she left.

Chapter Text

Buffy heard a knock at the door and went to answer it.

"Is Willow here? I need to see her," Anya demanded, pushing past Buffy.

"Hi Anya. Come on in."

"I am in," Anya said, somewhat confused. Willow came out of the kitchen.

"No hitting," Buffy said. Then Anya said "Willow!" with more excitement than Buffy expected. Buffy barely had time to think Huh? before Anya wrapped her arms around Willow, drew her close and kissed the redhead passionately. A kiss that Willow returned equally. Buffy realised she was standing there with her mouth open. She closed it.

When the pair finally came up for air, Willow, a little flushed, looked at Buffy and said, "So, um, well, I guess there's something we should tell you."

Anya put an arm around Willow's waist and said, "Oh, Buffy already knows about the spanking."

"Spanking?" Buffy said confusedly.

"Yes, though you called it 'hitting'."

"Hitting?"

Willow interrupted, as Anya was just confusing Buffy more. "Um, me and Anya, we're like, um -"

"Having lots of orgasms together!"

"Orgasms?" I need to stop doing that, Buffy thought to herself. "Um, I guess, okay, well, I'll leave you to it."

"No need," Anya said, grabbing Willow's hand and pulling her towards the stairs. "We're going upstairs to have sex now."

"Sex?" Stop it! "Right, well, I need to be... elsewhere."

Chapter Text

Buffy paused in her fight with Faith, and drew the knife that used to belong to the other Slayer.

"My, what a big knife you have B. Are you going to stick it in me?"

"Yes, I am. I'm going to stick it in you. Plunge it in and out and in and out of your body... oh god what am I saying?" Buffy finished as Faith doubled over in laughter.

"Do you mind?" Buffy objected. "This is serious! I'm trying to kill you!"

"What with? Laughter?"

Buffy had the definite feeling she was losing control of the situation. Time to take control of it again. She threw the knife aside so that it stuck point-first in the wall - she could get it back later - and then threw herself at Faith, knocking the other Slayer back onto her bed.

"Finally got me in bed B. Whatya going to do to me now?" Faith asked Buffy, who was pinning Faith to the bed, her face only a few inches away from the other Slayer's.

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Well... yeah. That's why I asked," Faith responded with a cheeky grin that seemed unfitting to the situation at hand, at least to Buffy. She was trying to kill Faith after all.

Wasn't she?

"What do you want me to do to you?"

"I reckon ya know. And I reckon ya wanna do the same thing."

"Maybe I don't."

Buffy paused.

"Maybe I do," she whispered quietly.

She moved even closer to Faith, who stopped all attempts at moving away.

Chapter Text

Spike had gone, but Buffy was still seething and getting angrier by the second; she might have revoked Spike's permission to enter her home, but that wasn't enough. Buffy headed to the basement and started rooting through the boxes, muttering "Where is it, where is it?", before finally finding what she was looking for. "Yes!" she said, pulling it out.

Spike was in his crypt when he heard Buffy's voice yell "Spike! Get out here!" from outside. He smiled to himself. "Knew she couldn't keep away." He went to the door and opened it. "Finally admitted we have something, Slayer..." he started, before trailing off, his eyes widening in horror as he saw what Buffy was holding. "Oh fu-" he said, trying to dive out of the way.

Buffy stared at the flaming remains of Spike's crypt with a smile. "Xander gives the best presents," she said happily, lowering the rocket launcher with a cheerful pat to it.

Chapter Text

Buffy arrived home in the morning and could hear her mother humming happily in the kitchen.

"Mom? You sound happy... what the hell are you doing here?" The last was aimed at Spike, who was sat at the kitchen table wearing, oh god, her mother's dressing gown and by the looks of it not much else as Joyce cooked them both breakfast.

"I shagged your mum," Spike told Buffy.

"William, please," Joyce said, blushing slightly, "Language." She smacked Spike on the back of the head, nowhere near as hard as Buffy wanted her to, or as hard as Buffy herself really felt the urge to.

"You slept with... you call him William... oh god, oh god, oh god."

"That's what she said last night," Spike told Buffy with a smirk.

"William," Joyce told him in an admonishing tone of voice that Buffy recognised.

"Sorry, Jay," Spike replied, sounding genuinely abashed.

Oh god, he has a pet name for her?

"Honey, do you want to stay for breakfast?"

"No... I have to be elsewhere. Right now. I have to go immediately."

Oh god, oh god, oh god, kept running through Buffy's head as she rapidly fled. Mom... and Spike? Oh god, oh god, oh god.

Chapter Text

Buffy entered Spike's crypt, looking for him.

"Riley? What are you doing here?" she asked, only seeing him, his back to the door.

"Looking for Spike," Riley told Buffy, turning to look at her. "Have you seen him?"

"I haven't," Buffy replied. "I thought he was here."

"Doesn't look like it," Riley said. "I don't know where he is then."

"Did you look underground as well?"

"I did. Nothing there."

"Oh well, I'll find him later," Buffy said, turning to go. "Or not. No biggie if he's gone."

Riley looked down at his hands and, as Buffy was looking away, quickly dusted them clean, then put the stake he'd stuck in his belt inside his jacket.

"No biggie," he agreed.

Chapter Text

Anya was looking after Dawn, because Xander was not home from work yet, Buffy was out Slaying, Giles was busy and the witches were out on a date. "Do you want to play another game?" she asked, given that they had just eaten pizza and finished watching a horror film. Well, Anya thought it was horror, given it had too many rabbits in it. One being too many when it came to bunnies, as far as she was concerned.

"The last time you asked, you suggested playing for money," Dawn replied. "Then you wanted to get me drunk."

"Don't be silly. Xander wanted you to get drunk. I only suggested how we could do it."

"Whatever. I'm still too young."

"But I told you how we could get around that," Anya replied, puzzled.

"I don't want to get drunk."

Anya thought on this for a moment. "You're okay with the gambling then?"

Dawn gave her a look. "No I am not!"

Chapter Text

"I don't think Halfrek likes me," Xander told Anya.

"Of course she doesn't. She's jealous. Just ignore her."

"Oh." Xander paused. "Um, jealous? Of me? Why?"

"Hallie and me were orgasm friends for about a century, and she is unhappy I am now with a man."

"Orgasm friends? You and Halfrek?" Xander thought for a moment. "Never mind. Forget I asked."

Chapter Text

Spike entered to find Drusilla with Miss Edith. Drusilla was looking at another doll and Miss Edith was positioned so that she was seemingly doing the same. Next to Miss Edith was a large kitchen knife.

The other doll was significantly larger than Miss Edith, had red hair and dungarees and a pained expression on his face. And the head was the largest single piece remaining.

"Playing with Miss Edith again pet?" Spike asked.

"The other dolly was rude to Miss Edith," she replied, "and he had to be taught a lesson. She was unhappy with him."

"So you cut him up? Right."

"Me? Of course not. Silly Spike. Miss Edith carved him up. He made such lovely screams."

"Right, Dru. 'Course she did," Spike said, humouring her.

He then gave Miss Edith a suspicious look, having glimpsed movement from the corner of his eye. Was her hand on the knife a second ago? he thought. Could she... nah. Don't be silly. She's just a doll, Spike.

Spike did resolve to keep Miss Edith always in his line of sight. Just in case.

Chapter Text

"Got you a present, B," Faith said, oddly shyly, "hope ya like it." The other Slayer held out a gift-wrapped rectangular box to Buffy.

Buffy took the box, which had clearly been wrapped with some care. She treated its unwrapping with the same level of care, then opened it up. She stared, somewhat speechless, at the contents. A tubular object with a metallic gleam to it. She tapped it with a fingernail. It sounded metal.

"Um..." Buffy started, "is it.."

"Yeah, B, it's metal. Ya know, with Slayer strength and all, the plastic ones just can't keep up."

Buffy winced at a memory, "Yeah, I know..." she started, before blushing. Faith grinned.

"Thanks Faith," Buffy said. Her face was still red. "I, um, appreciate it." She gave Faith a kiss on the cheek. Then a wicked glint came into her eyes. "Want to... give it a test?" Buffy asked Faith.

Faith's grin grew broader. "Was... kinda hoping you might ask, B."

"Ooh... you had an ulterior motive," Buffy replied, with a cheeky smile. She paused, and investigated the box. "Only first we'll need some batteries."

Faith handed Buffy another, much smaller, gift-wrapped box. "Way ahead of ya, B."

Chapter Text

Buffy stabbed the vampire in front of her only for one she hadn't seen tackle her from behind. She landed on the ground with an "Oof!", her breath knocked out of her and currently pinned under the vampire's weight. The Slayer was struggling to get leverage when the vampire suddenly turned to taste.

"Pah!" Buffy spat vampire dust out of her mouth. "That never tastes any better." She looked up as a hand reached down.

"Who are..." Buffy started as she pulled herself up. "... Riley?"

It had been a few years since Buffy had last seen her ex, and some of those years were clearly marked on his face, yet he appeared unbowed, albeit more scarred.

"I was hunting the same vamps you were," Riley said.

"Sam?" Buffy asked. She could see Riley still had his wedding ring.

"She's at home looking after our daughter," Riley told her.

"And you left her there?"

"It was her turn."

"Turn?"

"We take it in turns," Riley explained. "When our daughter, Abigail, was born, we tried to leave this life behind, but couldn't as long as there were people to help. But we didn't want to deprive Abigail of both parents if something happened when we here hunting monsters together. So, one of us always stays behind with Abigail. If I was just leaving Sam home all the time as a stay-at-home mom she would get Upset."

Riley paused. "But..." he started. "I couldn't help but notice." He indicated the wedding ring on the hand Buffy had pulled herself up with. "Angel? Or Spike?" asking the latter with a surprising amount of calm."

"Neither," Buffy started. "It's a long story... duck!"

Riley dropped to the ground without hesitation as Buffy threw a stake, impaling the vampire coming up on Riley from behind, dusting it.

"Last one," Buffy said, holding out her hand to Riley in return. He took it and she easily pulled him to his feet again. "So... where were we?"

"You were about to explain your wedding ring."

"Okay. Right." Buffy composed herself again. "So, Angel and Spike. Angel, well, we loved each other, there was no question about it, but Angelus and the whole universe seemed to be conspiring against us. Eventually, we realised we could never make it work and both moved on."

"And Spike?"

"Spike... well, I never loved him and he loved me. Funnily enough, it was Spike who made me realise that, by straight out telling me as he went up in flames. He got better by the way. I don't think we even liked each other, when we were together. Spike, after seeing Hell with a soul and finally starting to realise what he'd done with his life, and done to others, felt regrets. He apologised to me for taking advantage of me when I was vulnerable and we are much better now. He'd probably apologise to you too. Spike is not the same person he was."

"Spike is different now," Riley said, dubiously, "but how does this explain your wedding ring?"

"I told you it was a long story!" She continued. "So, it was a couple of years after Spike had come back from the, well, I guess he was already dead. Anyway, I was around him and Angel and I noticed how they were acting with each other. They argued so much they could have been married. So... I had an idea. It took a bit of time, but I eventually got them to see what I, and everyone else, was seeing. They were meant for each other." Buffy paused. " I was their combination best man/maid of honour at their wedding. Xander and Anya and Willow and Tara officiated. Weirdest wedding you ever saw. They're now mostly running Angel Investigations together and providing back-office support for the Slayers. And they are still arguing like an old married couple."

"And you?" Riley asked again, indicating her finger.

"Long story, remember?" Buffy smiled. "So, there I was at the wedding, and I looked at Angel and Spike getting married and I realised something. Neither was the man - or vampire - for me. And no man really was. They were on the right track. It took some therapy for both of us, but I finally knew what I wanted. Introducing -" Buffy pointed at herself "Mrs Buffy Anne Lehane-Summers."

"You married Faith?"

"Yup. Or Mrs Faith Summers-Lehane as it is now."

"So, women now then?"

"Oh, Faith and I still like and enjoy men, but we love each other."

"Like and enj..." Riley's brain caught up with his mouth and told it to stop talking as he worked that out.

"Yeah, we have a great relationship now." Buffy paused again. "Anyway, it was great catching up with you Riley. We shouldn't leave it so long next time. Here," Buffy gave him a card with her name and a phone number on it. Give me a call. You and Sam can come over and the four of us can do things together. Later!" Buffy said as she walked away as Riley tried to work out if Buffy had meant what he thought she meant by that. And imagined telling Sam that.

Chapter Text

"You're talking bollocks, Watcher," Spike stated firmly, continuing an argument that had been going on for some time, much to Willow's combined amusement and annoyance, as she was trying to do some research. "You don't have a ruddy clue what you're blathering on about. They weren't the first, or even the best. And they're dated."

"Dated? Timeless is the term you're looking for here. If it wasn't for this," Giles told Spike, gesturing with what he was holding, "what you claim to love so much wouldn't exist."

"Nah, rubbish. It would have happened anyway. Just a matter of time. The signs were already there. It was coming, whether or not they were around."

"It would have taken far longer to have happened," Giles told him indignantly. "They were the first, they paved the way and everyone who came after was simply following in their footsteps."

"Pansy little footsteps."

"Pansy? Pansy!? You have a total lack of appreciation for the truly great things in life, Spike, the things that shaped the world we live in today. Have you learned nothing in your past century of life? Or were you merely existing? I would have thought that even you would acknowledge that this is the tree from which everything else sprang."

"Tree's the right description mate, for something that's totally wooden."

"Wooden? You really call it wooden? Do you truly know nothing? They are the epitome of it, the base for what came later. And this, this, was truly the beginning."

"Showing your age, old man."

"My age? Old man? You are the oldest of the three of us by far, Spike. Perhaps that's the problem. You've become stuck in the past, and are unable to open your mind up to anything new. You've ossified."

"It's not bloody new! And stop using long words to try and make your worthless case better!"

"I'm sorry, is your brain too ossified to understand the word ossified? Perhaps I should speak in single syllables then? Make allowances for your advanced age and mental decrepitude?"

"Now you're just being bloody cheeky. Tell 'im Red," Spike trying once again to drag Willow back into the argument.

"No, no, this is not something I know about. Do I look like I'd be able to comment on this?" she replied, turning back the books and once more trying to tune out the arguing pair. "I should have come a different day. Far as I'm concerned, you're both ancient," she muttered under her breath.

"Hey! Vampire hearing remember?"

"Well, it's my flat and you're just an unwanted guest. It's going on, or you'll be an uninvited guest, and you can catch up on your sunbathing," Giles told Spike, removing the record carefully and lovingly from its sleeve and placing The Velvet Underground's Loaded on the turntable. "If it wasn't for Velvet Underground, there wouldn't be any of that punk rock you claim to love. They were pioneers of that in every way that counts."

"Bloody hell."