Chapter Text
“I know it's super sudden, but I appreciate you makin’ the time to see me regardless. You’re almost too good about clearing your schedule when people need you.”
Akira watched as Ryuji barely managed to get the words out in a coherent sounding sentence, words jumbled together in a rushed amount of nerves and a hand nervously finding the back of his own neck. He observed as the boy's eyes scanned their surroundings at an almost alarming pace rather than looking anywhere in Akira’s own direction.
He could tell Ryuji was nervous, he wasn’t dense, but he almost seemed hesitant about even inviting him out here which left Akira puzzled.
“It’s no big deal. Like I said, I had some time before some other plans I had tonight so…” He replied, words dying on his lips as he awkwardly took in their surroundings the way his friend had been doing. There was nothing of interest around them. He could spot a few passerbyers as they rushed by them, a few shops he hadn’t noticed before, and some trash on the floor someone must have decided was too difficult to place in the trashcan a few feet beside it, but besides that there was nothing so interesting that Ryuji wouldn’t be able to even look at Akira.
After a few moments, he spotted an empty bench that Ryuji seemed to be leading them to, and he took his space beside him as Ryuji claimed one side of the bench and left Akira with the other.
The silence that followed felt deafening. He doesn’t think he has ever witnessed Ryuji this quiet before, and most definitely not this quiet from nerves. He knows that the more agitated he becomes or the more something bothers him, the harder it usually is for Ryuji to keep it to himself. Becoming accidentally caught by Makoto Nijima about being a part of the Phantom Thieves being a prime example of Ryuji having no issue expressing himself on any and all topics.
Akira didn’t want to sit in silence with this any longer.
“You’re more quiet than usual today.” He observed out loud, unsure of how else to proceed. The push seemed to have done the trick however, as he watched Ryuji finally look Akira in the eye for the first time since meeting up together just a half hour prior and watched shock color his features.
“Oh shit, am I? Wasn’t even trying to be. I think I’m getting kind of stuck in my own head right now.” He explains with a nervous laugh, looking back down at their shoes while cracking a few of his knuckles. Akira follows his line of sight, gently pushing one of his feet into the space of Ryuji’s and nudging the side of his shoe with his own.
“What’s going on?”
The motions of Ryuji’s hands freeze for a millisecond at the question just before he begins cracking the knuckles of his other hand a few moments later. Akira isn’t sure if asking directly to get to the point was too much, but he knows that he is confused and too curious to sit here like this with Ryuji for another half hour of nothing. He looks up to see Ryuji already looking at him, emotions unclear for the first time in possibly the entire time they’ve known each other. He has always been an open book, wearing emotions on his sleeve for better or for worse, and now Akira can’t confidently pinpoint what it is he was feeling. That unsettled him.
He watched as an uneasy smile made its way onto Ryuji’s lips, words he wasn’t expecting to hear following shortly after. “I…don’t want you to hate me after this conversation. I think that's my biggest fear right now.”
Hate him? Why on earth would he assume this conversation would end with hatred? Akira felt his head start to spin, trying to recall all and any conversations involving Ryuji recently that could possibly bring him to that kind of conclusion but he was running blanks.
“Why would I hate you?” Akira responded honestly. Perhaps it was too optimistic to feel like nothing he could do or say would result in him hating the other, but whether Ryuji remembers or not, the two of them had been through hell and back before and somehow managed to make it out relatively fine and civil by the end, no hatred to be harbored on either side. “I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me right now that’s gonna make me hate you.”
“Hate is maybe the wrong word. This could just go super poorly is all I’m tryin’ to say. I’m actually expecting it to, but I gotta say what I gotta say anyway so sorry in advance for any problems it could maybe cause.” He responds, voice sounding more confident than before and now turning his body around so that he is facing Akira on the bench head on. The shift caught him by surprise, but he thinks he does a good job of hiding that as he slowly begins to do the same, shifting his position on the bench so that he is facing Ryuji and offering his full attention.
“You’re stressing before even saying anything. You’re ten steps ahead of me in this conversation right now.” Akira jokes, desperately trying to lighten the mood to ease his friend into a slightly less anxiety ridden mindset and feels rewarded when it's responded to with a short laugh of agreement. “Let's just talk.” He suggests. He wears a small smile on his face and an open expression as he offers his friend patience and the space to speak whenever he is ready. As much as the curiosity was killing him, this felt delicate.
“Okay…okay. Why don’t I just, uh…” Ryuji paused as his eyes wandered again, clearly finding it difficult to look at Akira while even thinking about what it was he needed to talk about. Akira remained silent as he waited for the other boy to gather his thoughts, fidgeting slightly with the end of his jacket sleeve. “I’m gonna say everything I wanna say. I’ll just let you know when I’m done and you can tell me what you think. That cool with you?”
Akira nodded in response. That felt familiar for him. He was used to letting all of his confidants speak freely as they expressed all and any thoughts and feelings they needed to get off their chest, with usually very little input from Akira needed. This he could do easily.
Ryuji nodded back at Akira’s quiet response, and he watched as the blonde took a deep breath, tension clear on his shoulders and eyebrows pinched together slightly.
The two of them sat like this quietly for a minute or two. Ryuji seemed to be trying to psych himself up for something, as if mentally convincing himself this conversation was the right step in whatever direction he was trying to move in while Akira sat quietly and let him take his time. He was glad he decided to leave Morgana with Futaba for a few hours today rather than him tagging along for this as he was positive he would most likely find it more difficult than either of them to remain quiet and patient right now.
“I think I’m just gonna say it.” Ryuji concluded, cutting into Akira’s thoughts and shutting them down completely as he offered his friend his undivided attention. Akira nodded again even though Ryuji had looked away from him once again and couldn’t see him do it, but decided it didn’t matter since Ryuji continued anyway. “I think I have feelings for you.”
Suddenly, Akira felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“Actually, no, I know I have feelings for you. I’ve been talking about this a lot with Ann, she's the only other person who knows by the way, but she helped me realize that's exactly what this is.” Ryuji was still not looking at him and Akira couldn’t help but feel immensely grateful for the fact because he was struggling more than he’d like to admit on trying to school his expression. “I’m actually surprised I didn’t realize sooner. But I think I’ve liked you for a really long time. This might sound stupid but I think…Akechi showing up and…you two being as close as you were was what was getting to me the most.”
The words knocked him back to the last time he had gone through this year instantly, mentally pulling him back to the previous run he had gone through before this one that was suddenly becoming all too familiar again. The line between them is abruptly blurring and Akira isn’t sure how to process it.
“Sorry for takin’ so long! …Wait, was that Akechi? I can’t stand his high and mighty bullshit, just breathin’ the same air as him makes me sick.”
Akira didn’t respond, unsure of what a good response to that would be considering the current situation. He knows the two of them will likely never have a good relationship, his run before this one was proof of that. He didn’t respond last time Ryuji had said this and he thinks not responding again is still the right move. That was, until he felt movement from the bag on his shoulder and a small head beside his ear giving his unasked for two cents.
“You’re gonna have to suck it up for a while, Skull. Akira managed to get Akechi’s phone number so he will probably be around while we try and get some info out of him!” Morgana announced innocently, and bless his little soul for not knowing that he just announced to Akira’s secret boyfriend that he just got the number of another guy, a celebrity, who his secret boyfriend very openly cannot stand and clearly doesn’t want anything to do with.
The words made Ryuji pause, hurt and confusion clear on his face but very aware of the unknowing audience currently occupying Akira’s bag and smiling happily at the two other occupants of the conversation. Akira tried pleading with his eyes to drop it, understand this wasn’t a huge deal, wishing he could explain he needed each and every confidant he can gather and that Akechi was one of the most important especially if he wanted to try and somehow save him this time, but he knows none of that would go over well with someone who doesn’t even remember they have all been here before and have all done this before more than once.
“Why’d you ask for his number?” Ryuji asked, voice void of emotion which somehow felt worse to Akira than if he’d have just let himself be angry or yell or sound exactly how it was he felt right now.
“Actually, he asked for my number.”
“Okay? Then why’d you agree to give it to him?” Ryuji fired back, and Akira mentally flinched at the words. Part of him feels like this truly wasn’t that big of a deal, but the other part of him can understand what Ryuji is seeing from his point of view. Regardless, he is leaving Akira in an uncomfortable spot of not being able to fully reassure him with Morgana being here and listening in when Ryuji clearly expressed not wanting anyone to know they were together.
“Didn’t you hear me? So that we can get more intel out of him. Haven’t you ever heard of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer? As long as we’re careful about him not finding out who we are, it's a great opportunity!” Morgana explained, oblivious to the clear shift in the air of what Ryuji was truly asking. Akira felt stuck. None of this had happened in his first run through his time here, but he supposed changes like this were bound to appear sooner or later considering the fact that he and Ryuji were not dating in his last run here either.
“Sure. That’s a great ‘opportunity’ alright.” Ryuji concluded, hands shoved deep in his pockets and body turning away from him as the statement was voiced so quietly under his breath that Akira almost missed it. Before he could even think of a response and attempt some sort of damage control, he watched as Ann reappeared to reground with the boys and head out.
“C’mon you guys, it’s time to go! You can talk while you walk.” She said, wrapping both her arms around the boy's shoulders and pulling them towards the exit where the rest of the school had gathered to leave. Akira didn’t like the thought of what their future conversation would sound like after this, gut heavy with guilt and unease, but he wore his best fake smile for her as he watched Ryuji not even attempt the same.
“You guys are always hanging out. You’ve told me you were busy hangin’ out with him more than once when telling me why you couldn’t hang out with me and I get it, you got other friends you can be busy with, you’re fun as hell to be around so I get that but…it was always something about him specifically.”
Ryuji finally looked up at Akira now for the first time since he began speaking, and he wondered briefly if that was the end of it. He had a sinking feeling it wasn’t, that there was much more Ryuji needed to say and more of his heart he wanted to pour out, but he didn’t think he could handle it and he was certain he didn’t want to hear anymore.
Despite that, he listened on. He remained quiet, just as he promised he would, and schooled his expression perfectly. Too much practice in wearing the face a situation called for that he had perfected ever since he was a child was suddenly paying off. His face remained blank but falsely open, inviting the blonde to express anything else he needed to say while on the inside he felt like his heart was seconds away from bursting and palms being discreetly wiped on his skirt of sweat.
It’s shocking to hear that even in this run, one where Akechi remained just as aware as Akira was of the previous run for once and one where they both mutually decided to attempt to play this run differently, Ryuji still remained just as jealous of Akechi as he had been before.
Akechi no longer played a mysterious, fake masked detective prince to the entirety of the thieves. While he remained wearing his masks to the public, much less enthusiastically and much less convincingly Akira might add, he remained relatively blunt and honest when it came to being around Akira and his fellow thieves. He had been introduced to his group much earlier on, becoming an undeniable piece of the friend group just shortly after their first change of heart.
There had been less reason to dislike Akechi for sure from their point of view. He didn’t bash the Phantom Thieves as hard as he had before. To keep Shido from becoming far too suspicious, it was important for Akechi to play the part at least a little, which Akira understood. They were still attempting to figure this new plan out, everything about this run newer and more unfamiliar with every passing day.
So what was it about this new situation that still held fuel to add onto unseen jealousy?
“You don’t know how you look whenever the guy walks in the room. It’s like…I don’t know, like your whole damn face lights up or something. It’s super subtle, but it's definitely something in your eyes.” He adds, as if reading Akira’s mind and answering his unvoiced questions. The statement has Akira’s heartbeat stuttering for completely different reasons now and he can’t fight down the unwelcomed blush he can feel creeping up onto his cheeks at suddenly feeling uncomfortably seen.
It must have been more obvious than he thought because he watched as Ryuji’s own expression changed into one that looked slightly more defeated, but he wore an unconvincing smile anyway as he continued. “I’m not stupid. Or blind. I mean, he might be if he hasn’t realized but I’m sure as hell not. Which is why I was pretty convinced this whole conversation was a stupid idea.”
Akira lets himself take a breath, one he feels like he has been needing to take since the beginning of this conversation but it's almost as if his body only just remembered he can move. The deep intake of air filling his lungs helped to release some of the tension he was feeling, but most certainly not all of it. Wiping his palms against the material of his skirt once again, he reaches up to fiddle with a strand of hair from his bangs, a habit he hasn’t been quite able to break and opens his mouth to ask a question before closing it once again when remembering he promised to remain quiet. The action didn’t go unnoticed by the blonde, and he was quick to speak up on it.
“I know I said I’d just say everything and let you answer when I was done, but you can say whatever it is you wanted to say just then. I can take it.” He says, brave face on like they were discussing infiltration tactics and not the incoming rejection the two of them know is bound to come out at any second. Before that, Akira decides to prompt the question in his brain before anything else.
“If you were sure I had feelings for someone else,” He asked slowly, hand falling from his bangs and back down to his lap. “Why tell me this?”
Ryuji looks as if he expected this kind of question. Akira briefly wonders if he had spent a lot of time going over this conversation in his head, all and any outcomes and questions prepared beforehand and walking into this situation hoping nothing could catch him off guard or surprise him, but conversation rehearsing is always futile compared to the real thing. Ryuji looks sheepish before responding, hands finding the back of his neck once again.
“I guess I didn’t wanna assume there was no chance before talking to you. I could have been wrong with the whole Akechi thing, ya know? It’d be messed up to just assume and hard to feel this way without ever knowing for sure. Besides,” He continues, hand also falling back into his lap as he looks Akira in the eye once again for the first time in a while. “if there were a chance of you feelin’ the same way, I’d wanna know as soon as possible. Being able to show you off to the world knowing you felt the same way as me feels like a dream.”
How easy it was for Ryuji to say one of the most simple things ever that somehow managed to break his own heart into a million pieces.
Counting on both hands wouldn’t even be enough to show how many times the two of them had fought and just how many times Akira had cried simply because Ryuji felt it so imperative to keep their relationship a secret, and now here he was pouring his heart out to him and wishing to show him off the the world simply because, what, Ryuji assumed he was a girl now?
“Why don’t you understand that you don’t make any sense?” Akira had said, bordering on yelling because he refused to cry about this to him again. He felt sick of crying over this; crying over feeling like he was something worth being ashamed of, something worth hiding. No one has ever made Akira feel this badly about himself and this guilty without even trying.
“How aren’t I making sense, Akira? You’re being an asshole if you think that because then you just aren’t listening. I don’t know how I can make shit anymore clear.”
“I’m being an asshole?” Akira responded, an accusatory tone deep in his throat with words feeling like aiming daggers on his tongue ready to strike. He’s had it. “We have spent this entire relationship doing everything you felt comfortable with. I know I said I was okay with hiding the relationship if you weren’t ready to come out, but you take it way too fucking far. How is it fair that I have to listen to my boyfriend complain day in and day out to everyone who will listen about how much he wishes he could get a girlfriend? How is it fair that I have to sit through ‘Maid Watch’ with my literal boyfriend and some desperate kid we barely knew?”
“If you didn’t want any part of that, you could have said-“
“That isn’t the point! You’re missing the point!” Akira yells, hands slamming down on the counter of Leblanc between them as Ryuji flinches back. He knows he will feel guilty about his outburst and his actions later, but right now all he could see was red. “I shouldn’t have to sit back and watch as my boyfriend drags me and some other guy around to pick up women on our school vacation! I shouldn’t have to get a talking to like I’m some kind of child when we’re alone for everytime I even jokingly flirt with you around our friends when all I said was you looked good in a damn shirt! I shouldn’t have to listen to my boyfriend get mad at me every single time I so much as even look at another person wrong because you get jealous since they don’t know I have a boyfriend and could get the wrong idea or something when you’re the reason I can’t tell them I have a boyfriend in the first place!”
Ryuji remained quiet, watching the outburst with angry heavy breaths through his nose as he clearly fought to keep whatever he wanted to say down. Akira had never yelled like this, the evidence of it glaring as his throat protested heavily already with a raw ache quickly crawling its way up his throat. He felt tears pricking the edges of his eyes that he viciously fought down. He isn’t going to cry. He refuses to keep crying. He’s through with crying, he is through with feeling like this.
“You make me feel like you’re ashamed of me.” Akira says finally, voice calm once again but venom nowhere near missing from his tone as he puts the emotions he has been mulling over the past few months into words.
“You know that isn’t true.” Ryuji countered, words holding so much weight that Akira almost believed him. “This has nothing to do with you. It’s me, you know it’s me.” Akira couldn’t help the scoff that escaped his lips at the clique, looking away with a roll of his eyes that Ryuji was quick to combat, leaning forward enough that he could catch Akira’s eye once again. “Me not being comfortable with everyone knowing my sexuality has nothing to do with you, Akira.”
“But you actively announcing to the world that you wish you could be with someone that isn’t me does.” He concludes, eyes sharp as he glares unhappily at the blonde. He knows the tears welling in his eyes are visible to the other if his suddenly blurry vision is any indicator to go by, but he doesn’t falter in his words as he continues. “You make it a point to make sure everyone around us knows you’re straight. That there's no doubt in their mind, that not for a second can they think to themselves, ‘hmm I wonder If Ryuji is seeing someone. I wonder if Ryuji would ever be with a guy.’ You go out of your way to make sure no one could ever find out, not even our closest friends. You’re constantly treating me like a dirty secret. That feels like shit, dude. I can’t fathom how you don’t see that. It’d be one thing to date me and never mention anything on the topic because it’s secret but it's another to make me constantly feel like you’re going out of your way to actively act like you’d never in a million years be caught dead even holding my hand every chance you get.”
Ryuji remained quiet after that, and he politely ignored the sight of Akira angrily wiping away at his cheeks as the stubborn tears from earlier fell from his eyes. He didn’t want to cry over this again and yet here he was, weeping like a dumb child hurting themselves with the same thing over and over again as if they don’t know any better.
Akira gives up.
“I don’t think I can do this anymore.” He concludes, words hollow and eyes empty as he stares down at the counter between them, not wanting to look at Ryuji for even a second longer if he could help it.
“What? Akira, are you joking?” Ryuji responded. He heard more than he saw Ryuji shoot out of his seat at the bar, chair creaking against the hardwood floor as he watched Akira in silence as if waiting for an answer they both knew he wasn’t going to give. Of course he wasn’t joking, and they both knew it. “Akira. Akira, look at me.”
He refused. There was no reason for him to look, there was nothing here.
He heard Ryuji walk from the chair side of the bar to behind the counter where Akira stood, and Akira felt himself take a step back before Ryuji even reached him. His eyes remained on the floor but then he felt Ryuji place his hands gently on his arms, as if he could try and fix this with a few simple touches or easy words, like he had been able to do the last few times they had fought. The touch felt unwelcome for the first time since Akira had known him, and Akira pushed his hands away as if he had been burned.
“Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t come near me. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore, I want you to leave.”
Akira knows if Ryuji leaves right now that would be the end of this. He brought the idea up of breaking up, he had pushed away any potential comfort or fixes Ryuji could possibly offer to him, and now he refused to even look at him. There would be no fixing this anymore, but perhaps that's what was necessary. In Akira’s brain, this had been long overdue.
“You really want me to leave like this? Seriously? That's it?” Ryuji asked, voice visibly sounding as if it were close to breaking at any second but Akira couldn’t be bothered to care right now. He wanted him gone. He wanted to cry in peace. He wanted to curl up in bed and be dead to the world for a few days, maybe a few weeks. The realization of how done he felt with this whole situation almost stung more than the actual pain the situation was bringing.
This was supposed to be his best friend. What on earth happened to them?
The thought alone broke the dam and Akira could no longer keep his tears at bay. He felt the tears fall quicker now, quiet sobs escaping his lips as he turned his whole body around and away from prying eyes. He wished more than anything he could have held it together for just a while longer, hating to cry in front of him again. Akira’s hands instinctively found his face, fingers pushing up his glasses slightly to shield his wet eyes from view despite the fact that all Ryuji could see right now was the back of his head and shoulders wracked with sobs.
“Get out. Leave. I mean it. I don’t want you here right now.” Akira choked out, words wet with sobs he couldn't help but feel embarrassed over.
He heard no movement from the boy behind him which only managed to frustrate him more. He wiped hard at the tears streaking his cheeks now, hand finding his glasses and removing them from his face completely and placing them on the counter beside them instead. He turned his body back towards the boy behind him, arms crossed securely around himself as he glared over his shoulder at the boy who refused to move.
“Akira…I don’t want to leave things like this.” Ryuji had said, borderline begging with a voice barely above a whisper as he could see tears of his own shining behind his brown eyes. Akira could feel his heart yearning to help, wanting to ease that pain and wanting to fold and promise they could figure things out, work through this and try harder, communicate a bit better and work towards a solution- but it felt pointless. This all felt like a million knives to the chest, but even that felt more welcoming than allowing himself to walk back into this vicious cycle of never feeling good enough for a partner like this no matter how innocent their intentions might be.
“Don’t make me ask again, Ryuji. Please…just go.” He demanded, voice starting to fall flat as numbness began to creep in. Suddenly everything was feeling like too much and his body was beginning to shut down. He was beyond exhausted. Balancing palace infiltration on top of constant fighting takes a huge toll on the body, it seems, who would have ever guessed.
They had an extremely long day in the palace today. Even with that, Akira knew they weren’t even halfway done. The last thing the two of them needed was to be fighting like this any longer; The sooner the both of them could get some rest for the night, the better.
Without Ryuji even needing to admit it with words, Akira could tell just how much Ryuji didn’t want to leave from body language alone, but he couldn’t be bothered to think too hard on that right now. He kept his eyes glued to the floor and arms crossed on his chest as he stood unwavering. This was not the time or way to be dealing with this and they both knew it.
He waited impatiently for what seemed like hours, but realistically he knew it couldn't have been more than a few minutes. After some of the most uncomfortable silence Akira had ever personally experienced, he heard Ryuji finally take a few steps away from him and circle around the counter towards the door, opening and shutting it behind him quietly as the bell above the door jingled loudly.
Despite Ryuji walking away, Akira didn’t move from his spot for a long time. The abandoned rag on top of the counter was holding much of Akira’s interest as he stared blankly at it for far too long. Nothing about the conversation they just had felt real and all emotions felt both unbearably overwhelming and numb simultaneously. After much longer than he would like to admit, Akira finally moved from behind the counter to lock Leblanc’s door once again and sluggishly make his way up the stairs.
He knew the tears tracking his cheeks had long since dried and the puffiness of his eyes and face must have hopefully gone down by now, but he also knew the two of them had been arguing loudly. He had expected to find Morgana waiting for him, perched by the end of his bed with a solemn expression and possibly asking far too many questions for Akira to handle right now. Instead he had walked in to find him looking far too understanding and not asking a single thing.
No words between the two were spoken; Instead, Akira found himself with one of his best friends cuddled closely on his chest and purring like his life depended on it, as if his purrs alone could be the sole cure to mending the cracks Akira felt in his heart as he silently cried once again.
Akira felt like he was going to be sick.
“You’d want to…show me off?” He felt himself ask, emotions starting to run numb as the question rolled off his lips.
“Yeah, I mean, who wouldn’t? Like I said, you’re super fun and cool and just…annoyingly amazing at everything you do. You’re just kind of unreal.” He gushed, shy smile becoming a bit brighter with each word that escaped his mouth and Akira felt less confident in how to feel about everything with every new sentence spoken.
He had no idea how he was meant to proceed with this. It didn’t seem like Ryuji was expecting any sort of reciprocation from the confession, but he still felt very put on the spot and pressured to know how to respond.
“I don’t know what to say.” He settled on, deciding honesty was most likely the best option here as it bought him a bit more time to think and possibly a bit more to work with from Ryuji if he had more he wanted to add. He watched as Ryuji nodded at this, eyes avoiding him once again while wearing a smile resembling something a bit closer to a grimace after that.
“Yeah, I figured as much. Sorry if that sorta came outta left field.” He responded, awkward silence falling between them as the two struggled to decide on what to say next or what the next move was from here. Akira knew he should say something, offer any sort of response whether it be acceptance, rejection, or simply asking for more time to sit on things and think, but his mind was drawing blanks. He feels as though he has been thrusted back in time and feeling just as terrible about himself as he had felt months prior, only this time feeling much worse considering the fact that Ryuji thinking of him as only a boy truly was the only thing keeping them from being fully happy together, it seemed.
It was an odd feeling. Akira’s romantic feelings for the other boy have completely vanished over the course of the few months it took him to come to terms with their relationship ending, and yet the insecurities that very same relationship gave him never seemed to have fully healed despite what he had originally thought.
With a shaky breath, Akira attempted to ground himself. Reminding himself how this Ryuji and the Ryuji he had a damaging past with were no longer the same person. Akira knows more than anyone he means well here; His intentions are pure and his feelings are more than genuine. Ryuji deserves honesty from him just as much as he had offered his honesty in turn.
“I appreciate you telling me. I know that probably wasn’t easy.” He starts, both of them knowing exactly where this conversation is heading and both mentally bracing themselves. He finds his eyes easily as Ryuji is already watching him, emotions shielded as if expecting the rejection and wanting to take it in stride. Taking another deep breath, Akira attempts to release a bit more of the tension on his shoulders before continuing. “But I do have feelings for someone else.”
He watches as the blonde nods at the words, eyes shifting to watch the floor instead and lips pursed slightly as if the words leave a bad taste in his mouth. He knows hearing that must have hurt, but a truth for a truth feels important here.
“I don’t even have to ask. I already know.” Ryuji supplies, and they both understand what he’s trying to say without any more words even needing to be said. Even if it wasn’t something he went out of his way to share with others, Akira has never attempted to keep what he feels for Goro Akechi a secret. Even in his two previous runs, he knew he was someone he couldn’t possibly live without. He felt like the other side of his coin, an integral piece of his story that would make everything that much more bland or boring without his input or presence.
It was no secret how Akira felt about the man, and he never attempted to keep it one. Even if it took him three whole runs to reach a point now where he realizes what he feels was actually romantic, it’s where he has ended up and he doesn’t mind it one bit.
“Well, that’s it then. Didn’t have anything else I needed to say so…” Ryuji starts, shrugging by the end of his sentence and eyes still avoiding Akira like the plague once again for a completely different reason now. Akira feels his stomach tense with unease, afraid that they would end up in yet another shaky foundation of their friendship where he wonders whether or not they’d be able to save any of it once again.
After their break up in the last run, the toll of it had been so bad that the palace infiltration had been put off for an entire week despite none of the Phantom Thieves understanding why or knowing what had been going on.
The only ones who had known what had happened had been Morgana and Futaba. Later that evening after Ryuji and Akira had had their giant fight resulting in their split, Futaba had messaged him confessing she had heard the entire argument between them and apologized profusely for overhearing, explaining how despite Leblanc being bugged she should never have listened to the entire thing, but she had been worried the second she heard yelling and even more so when she realized Akira had been crying.
She was nothing but supportive and even lied in cover of Akira and Ryuji for a few days of that week exaggerating a none existent cold that was keeping her from joining them on any infiltration. Akira had never felt so lucky to have found such a wonderful person to call his little sister.
Akira feared the worst for her friendship with Ryuji once again when trying to recover from a love confession rejection, but the shock he felt at Ryuji’s next few words shone transparently on his face.
“You don’t gotta feel bad or anything, by the way. Like I said, fully expected this kind of outcome. I still want us to be friends and shit, obviously, because you’re important to me. Not just as our leader or anything but just, you, one of my best friends.” He explained, voice soft and smile easy as he spoke to him. “Just gimme some time to…get over it. If we don’t talk as much as usual for a while, that’ll be why. This friendship’s important to me so when I’m over it we can get back to normal.”
Akira focused hard on the words being offered up to him right in this moment. He tried his best to look past all of the abrupt feelings he had been forced to confront in a short amount of time and instead let himself acknowledge how hard his friend was trying to salvage their friendship. It felt as if a few of the pieces of his heart were sowing itself back together at the thought, and he subconsciously let a small smile grace his lips as he spoke his next words honestly.
“It’s important to me too. I’ll…be here.” He offered, unsure if he should say more but not quite positive on what to say if he did offer more than this. He thinks he should apologize somehow, but any and all apologizes feel fake and uncalled for in his brain. He shouldn’t have to apologize for not feeling the same way, or for not knowing exactly what to say when this was sprung on him. But regardless, he hates to hurt anyone he cares for even by accident. “I’m sorry this conversation didn’t go how you probably hoped it would.”
Ryuji was quick to shake his head with this one, eyes finding his again and expression almost hurt at the notion of Akira even attempting to offer up an apology. “Definitely don’t apologize, dude! Seriously, that's the last thing I want. We’re gonna be fine. This doesn’t have to mean anything, I just need time and space. Promise.” He said, and Akira wanted to believe him. So he did.
His emotions have been through the ringer today in such a short amount of time that he couldn’t be bothered to focus on this anymore than he already had. He felt his shoulders sag slightly at the topic finally ebbing off of less serious and offered an almost relieved smile as the topic finally changed at the suggestion of grabbing a quick bite to eat before Akira needed to go.
This conversation was very heavy, even if Ryuji didn’t fully understand why. For Akira, he couldn’t wait to finish the quick meal and be on his way.