Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was just a random Monday, or at least, that was what I’d thought before it’d ended up changing my life. I was sitting with my group of friends, kids that I barely liked but surrounded myself with in order to avoid the bitter empty feeling of loneliness I’d face otherwise. They were talking a lot but I wasn’t really listening, that was, until the conversation turned crueler than it had started off.

“Look at that weirdo,” one of my friends, Adam, said, pointing to a boy in the distance.

“Noel?” I asked, confused.

Noel was in the choir club that I was forced into, he had been nothing but kind to me so it confused me why they were so rude to him.

“Yeah, do you not know?” Micheal’s voice was laced with laughter.

“Know what?” I furrowed my brow with concern.

“He’s fucking gay,” Steve laughed loudly, for some reason amused by the fact.

“Why does that matter?” I was constantly spewing questions, but it didn’t matter, I needed answers.

“Cause it’s weird dude,” Micheal said as if it was the most obvious thing on earth and that I was just an idiot.

I sat at the table in silence, hearing the boys around me making fun of Noel using words that I didn’t know existed, but that definitely weren’t good. I still couldn’t wrap my head around being a jerk for no reason. Noel didn’t deserve that, he was a good person.

I tuned my friends out and I looked at Noel. He sat by himself, I’d never noticed that, but he did. He was sitting on the edge of the cafeteria, looking out a window at the sobbing sky above. I heard my friends calling him “too ugly to get a guy anyway,” but that wasn’t true. He had a handsome face, his hazel eyes in the sun were warm and bright, but in the rain they were deep and cold. His nose was straight and crinkled when he laughed and his lips were a gentle pink.

“Dude why are you staring?” Steve asked, a hint of disgust in his tone.

“Oh I just… agree with you,” I said hesitantly, not wanting to join in on their cruelty but not wanting to be like Noel, alone and hated by many.

All of a sudden, Adam gasped, and we all looked at him like he was crazy.

“Ok, I have an idea,” Adam said maliciously, making me worry deeply for Noel, “Mischa.”

Hearing him say my name after that sentence made my heart fall so deep in my stomach that I didn’t think it’d ever recover. I didn’t want to be a part of this. I didn’t want to hurt Noel.

“Pretend to be his friend,” Adam couldn’t contain his laughter as he spoke, as if he was the funniest person alive, “then maybe you can tell us more stupid and weird things about him.”

“Why would I do that?”

“It’d be funny,” Adam shrugged and I disagreed more than anything, “make him feel like he has one friend in this place, then reveal that it wasn’t even true.”

“That would hurt him,” I mumbled, “I don’t want that. Why does it have to be me?”

“Don’t be a coward,” Adam rolled his eyes, “plus you’re a new kid so he doesn’t really know anything about you yet, and you’re in the same weird choir club that he is.

Everyone in that group had eyes on me as I nervously looked from Noel to them. They made it crystal clear that if I didn’t do it, they wouldn’t hang out with me anymore.

I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to do something so cruel, especially to someone so perfect, but I figured I had to.

“Fine…” I sighed in defeat, completely disgusted by the malice of the idea.

How one, much less many, could be so hateful and hostile towards people like Noel, I had no idea.

But when lunch ended, I went to French class, reluctantly trying to start my friends’ shitty plan.

Noel was the first in the French class, not surprising me in the slightest. I didn’t know that much about him, but I knew of his passion for France. He was twirling a pencil in between his piano-like fingers, the nails of which were covered in black nail polish that was chipped at the end where he had clearly been pulling at them.

A tiny strand of hair fell in front of Noel’s face, causing him to huff and push it behind his ear in frustration. It made me smile, but I shook my head quickly to clear my racing mind.

I had one mission. A mission that I hated more than anything, but that I had to do.

“Hey Noel!” I waved, appearing confidently, but not feeling so in the slightest.

He looked up at me with his big beautiful eyes, lined with lashes so pretty I couldn’t believe he didn’t wear mascara.

“Oh..!” he exclaimed in surprise, “Mischa, right?”

“Yeah!” I smiled, which thankfully was a gesture that Noel returned.

“You don’t ever sit near me,” he mentioned, “what’s up?”

I thought about what to say for a moment, and I found the perfect excuse.

“My friends are huge jerks,” I answered finally, “I think you are better person.”

Noel laughed a little and his eyes brightened, I couldn’t help but find him strangely alluring. The sound of his laughter played on repeat in my head throughout that day, flowing through my mind like wind in the sky.

“Well sure, you can sit here,” Noel smiled, tapping on the desk next to him where I stood, gesturing me to sit down.

I grinned back a little, secretly not pretending to want to be Noel’s friend.

Noel was a good person it seemed, he was kind and funny and sarcastic and it all just made him nice to be around. I thought I could get used to hanging out with him instead.

French class felt like it took forever, I was good at languages so it wasn’t hard, just boring.

I helped Noel out a bit though which was nice, he just struggled with pronunciation sometimes, so I gave him advice and tips.

I had to admit, hanging out with Noel made class feel a lot faster.

After French class was math, which wasn’t really different, it was just as boring as usual. I spent most of my time looking out the window at the falling leaves outside, autumn colors bloomed, contrasting with the vast grayness of the math room.

I sighed with relief when the class was finally over, I’d never been good at math and I doubted I ever would. However I was especially excited due to the fact that math was the last class of the day, meaning I had choir next.

I didn’t really like choir at all, I was only there as a punishment, but I couldn’t help but actually feel like a friendship had begun to form between Noel and I.

I walked into the choir classroom and was greeted by a smile from Noel. I quickly returned the gesture and sat down next to him as we waited for Ocean, who was never late so she was probably getting sheet music.

(“What’s up guys?”) Ricky signed, approaching the two of us.

Noel looked at me expectantly, I was the only one who knew sign language, so I translated it for him.

“Oh I’m good,” Noel grinned, “I had French so that was fun, but math sucks.”

“I agree,” I said with a laugh slipping from my lips, “math does suck.”

I looked at Noel, that trace of amusement and happiness on my face still clearly visible.

Ricky tilted his head at me, looking at me with a strange expression on his face.

“(Why are you looking at Noel like that?”) He signed with a clear suspension.

Thankfully, Noel was looking at the door for Ocean, so he didn’t see.

(“Stop it, I’m not looking at him like anything,”) I signed frustratedly.

(“So not in a gay way?”)

My cheeks went red, but I managed to convince myself that it was due to just embarrassment.

Chapter Text

I thought about that day the whole walk home, a walk that I had hated, not due to the fact that it was long or strenuous, but the destination itself. I would only feel more and more miserable the closer I got to the little building in which I was forced to live, the closer I got to the people who were supposed to be my parents.

I watched the orange leaves fall to the sidewalk beneath my feet, crunching in a satisfactory way as my shoes made contact with them. I sighed into the freezing air as I moved, watching the spiral of breath float into the air and disappear, never to be seen again.

My mind went back to Noel once again, the incredibly poetic, emotional and beautiful boy in my school, the one that I was being forced to torment. It hurt every part of me, in a way that it truly shouldn’t have, to even think about the words my friends used to describe him to me. Words like worthless, hideous and pathetic, words that I would consider perfect antonyms to Noel, a walking talking synonym of beauty.

The way he’d smiled and said “bye Mischa!” brought a smile to my face, even just thinking about it did.

‘Just thinking about him does…’

While I tried to push those thoughts away, they were better than the thoughts of fear about returning “home.” A place that only ever brought me pain, fear and anxiety. I sighed and pulled out a pack of cigarettes from my pocket, desperately searching for something to calm me, even just a little.

I cupped my hand around it as it balanced on my lip, protecting the tiny flame of my lighter from the wind. It warmed me a little, the heat from both the flame itself and the finally burning cigarette. It seeped into my skin, and I inhaled the smoke gently, the burning of my lungs numbing the other feelings that plagued me.

Speaking of plagues, I heard a voice from behind me yelling out, presumably protesting my use of nicotine to cope with my abusive adoptive parents. The voice was shrill and high, leading me to instantly recognize it as the annoying ginger from choir.

Ocean.

I turned around with a ‘leave me the hell alone’ expression on my face, but Ocean didn’t seem to get it. She lived really close to me, meaning I often ran into her, or rather the other way around, on the way “home” which was just… great…

“Mischa!” she yelled irritatedly, “You shouldn’t smoke! It’s bad for-“

“Don’t care Ocean,” I groaned, annoyed, “having shitty “parents” is also bad for you, I need this.”

Surprisingly, she actually looked sympathetic. I didn’t think I’d ever seen Ocean care about anyone else genuinely before, but she seemed worried.

“Are you ok?” she asked, the tone of her voice making it harder to be upset at her.

“I’m fine,” I mumbled, walking away quickly and turning the block, “see you at school.”

I didn’t hear anything from her after that, she probably just kept walking, thinking about how she had been a ‘good person’ that day.

I couldn’t judge her though, not fully. I felt like a horrible person that day, a cruel, awful human being, so much so that I felt deserving of my “parents” treatment of me.

‘Maybe they are right. Maybe I am an awful kid. An awful person in general…’

My heart was sinking lower and lower into my chest the closer I got to the house. As I stood at the path leading up to the porch, it had sunk like the titanic.

I stared at the house, it wasn’t like it was small or messy, the people who’d adopted me had the money to provide me with food and a nice place to sleep, they just felt no obligation to care for me in any way. It made me feel like I was the worthless, hideous and pathetic one, not Noel. Noel wasn’t a bad person, Noel didn’t deserve anything bad that happened to him, but I couldn’t help but feel that the same wasn’t true for myself, that I got what was coming to me.

I walked into the home, but through the backdoor that led to the basement, not the front door, they hated that. They hated seeing me, hearing me, caring for me. It made me frustrated and furious in a way that was unexplainable with just words.

"You signed up for a kid, at least raise me right goddamn it…”

I plopped my bag onto the cold floor of the basement. My “parents” never really ran the thermostat down there, not wanting to “waste money” despite them clearly having quite a bit.

I curled up on my air mattress in the blanket I had bought for myself, as apparently that was an afterthought with my “parents,” and though I wasn’t sure whether it was out of forgetfulness or maliciousness, I couldn’t help but have my suspicions, especially given the evidence I’d seen of them.

As I laid in bed, I plugged in my messy, barely functioning earphones and listened to some basic rap music my friends liked, stuff that I found boring and repetitive, stuff that I wanted my music to deviate from.

My stomach then rumbled, causing me to notice the searing pain of hunger coursing through me. I was starving, but I didn’t want to go upstairs, I knew I wasn’t allowed. But eventually my hunger got too strong to handle, and I resorted to suffering the consequences of disobeying my “parents.”

I opened the door as quietly as I could, each footstep a spike of anxiety in my chest, each breath full of fear and stress. I eventually reached the pantry, quickly grabbing some snacks and turning to head downstairs, but I was met with a sight that made all the color drain from my face.

“Shit…” I mumbled, quietly.

Standing across from me, was Mr. Wilson, anger spread across his features, causing fear to spread across mine.

He walked towards me quickly, his hands balled into fiits and fury pulsing through him.

“Sir, I’m so-“ I tried to apologize, but I was cut off by the quick and painful sensation of his fist slamming into my cheek, searing pain exploding in my face from the punch, my cheek in absolute agony.

I cradled my cheek in my hand, desperately trying not to cry and seem weak, but being completely unsuccessful. I quickly began to run downstairs, tears falling from my eyes and running down my damaged cheek. I heard him yelling at me as I went, but I couldn’t hear his words, the strength of the ringing of my ears was too overpowering.

I practically leapt into my bed, using my cold blanket to soothe my aching face, even just a little. I curled up into a tight ball, weeping into my blanket and attempting to eat through the pain, but it hurt too bad to try.

I shivered both from fear and the freezing cold of my room, the place that never failed to encase me in what felt like ice. I laid still, suffering from both the bitter, bitter cold and the pain in my face, for what felt like hours.

I eventually began to play music in an attempt to forget about the situation and be happy, but it didn’t quite work. The memory played in my head on repeat, over and over and over again, somehow hurting worse with each time.

I couldn’t help but wish that, out of everyone I knew, would’ve been there. I’d only started talking to Noel that day, but I already felt that, had he been there, he would’ve helped me feel better, both mentally and physically. I felt like I could trust him, even though he probably shouldn’t have trusted me.

I jammed my earphones into my ears until all I could hear were the sounds of the other side of music I enjoyed, love songs.

Maybe it was stupid, no, I definitely was, but I couldn’t help it. I had nobody to love, I just liked the idea of it, the idea of being cared for was not something I’d experienced since my mother died, I just wanted somebody to cry to about it, somebody to hold me while I did so. But I doubted that would ever happen, I didn’t feel that I deserved it, love…

My face had swelled up horribly, and pain was still pulsating through me. As much as I hated and feared the people who’d adopted me, a part of me was glad. Glad that it was me who they adopted and not an actual 2 year old, because fear engulfed me when I thought about what they would do if that was the case.

Eventually I turned off my light, a single, rusty lamp on the floor that looked as if it was made in the 16th century. I sighed and curled up under my blanket, still holding it to my face as best as I could, shivering myself to sleep, just as normal.

Chapter Text

As I walked to school the next day, I couldn’t help but feel a strong sense of embarrassment, mainly due to the large bruise on my cheek, aching and in absolute agony. I dragged my feet the whole 20 minutes, wishing desperately that school would somehow miraculously close so that I wouldn’t have to be humiliated by my friends for getting “beaten up.”

But I found that I was mostly worried about what Noel would think. I knew he would be there for me, even in the little time I’d known him, but I also worried that he would think that I was weak, which wasn’t true, and I definitely didn’t want him to think that. Whenever I was around Noel, I felt this pressure to be the best I could be, so much so that I almost thought I was turning into Ocean.

Whenever he sat next to me in French class, I would try my best to sit straight up instead of slouching like I did all the time. In P.E, whenever we played sports, before I was even talking to Noel outside of choir, I felt the need to try even harder around him, almost to impress him. It was stupid, I knew that, but I just couldn’t stop myself.

I adjusted my binder one final time before walking up to my school, still paranoid everyday that somehow one of my friends would notice and figure out that I was trans. That thought filled me with nothing but pure terror, a fear that bubbled up in my throat and threatened to spill onto the pavement.

When I finally entered the front doors, I felt my heart drop in my chest. Noel was right there, and my entrance had caught both his, and everyone else’s attention. The look on Noel’s face was something that I would never forget, a mix of empathy, compassion and worry.

“Mischa?” he quickly ran up to me, staring at my purple cheek bone, “what happened?”

“Do not worry about it…” I mumbled, my cheeks now burning from embarrassment, “I am fine.”

He clearly didn’t believe me, he was still wearing that concerned expression. I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the face, I just stared down at the floor and began to walk away.

“See you later…” I said swiftly, leaving so fast that Noel didn’t have time to ask me any more questions.

It seemed that me walking through the halls with a massive, painful bruise on my face was the funniest thing that the other students had ever seen. People probably assumed that I had lost a fight or something, but the true reason wasn’t something I could’ve fought back against. If I had, I’d have likely gotten hurt worse or kicked out, probably both.

I sighed and eventually got to my locker, where I angrily shoved my back into it and turned around to head to math class.

‘Double math on a Tuesday morning…’ I thought bitterly, ‘fun.’

When I finally got to class, I was several minutes late, but I couldn’t have really cared less. I had the bare minimum grades in it to pass, I’d never really been good at it. Mrs Anderson gave me a look when I walked in, clearly upset with my late appearance, then even more upset by my bruise.

“Were you getting into a fight on school grounds?” she spoke, less asking and more accusing me.

“No,” I sighed, “this was from yesterday I… wasn’t in school..”

She looked like she didn’t quite believe me, but she let me sit down anyways. I went straight to the back of the class and sat down, doing my best to ignore the snickering from my classmates and to not cry, neither of which I did successfully.

As the teacher talked about something like trigonometry, I couldn’t not think of Noel. The look in his eyes that morning was burned into my mind, hurting me almost more than the throbbing place on my face. Feelings in my heart had begun to bloom, feelings that I just couldn’t accept. I didn’t care if other people were gay, it didn’t matter to me, but the idea of me loving anyone but a girl terrified me.

I’d always liked girls, in kindergarten, I had the hugest crush on one of my classmates named Talia. She was sweet and kind and I did love her. So I had no clue why, all of a sudden, I was feeling these things towards a boy. Even worse, a boy whose heart I was being forced to crush, which, only on my second day of the plan, seemed impossible for me to do.

‘What would мама think?’ I worried, knowing how loving she’d always been, but also knowing how unaccepting my country (and my баба) were. I wondered if she would’ve been disgusted or disappointed, had she been alive. Why would she accept me if I couldn’t even accept myself?

That I wasn’t sure, I doubted I’d ever truly know. All I had was that final memory of her, hugging and holding onto me like I was all she could’ve ever cared about, and that I think I was. Tears had poured down our faces, leaving footprints of misery trailing along my shirt, marking the occasion of sadness so strong it almost knocked us both off our feet.

I didn’t realize that, in my math class, I was crying until I heard laughter erupt from the people surrounding me. The teacher paused her lesson, staring at me with a look of genuine worry on her face.

“What’s wrong Mischa?” she asked, concerned.

“I just-“ I choked on my tears, unable to finish my sentence, “my mom…”

The students’ jeering only got louder, to the point where I quickly walked, almost ran, out of my classroom, my sobs only getting worse.

When I finally got to the bathroom, I saw the person I'd least wanted to see me like that…

Noel.

Noel, standing there, looking just as fucking gorgeous as usual. He heard me come in almost instantly, my crying was pretty loud and ugly, so that didn’t surprise me, but it did fill me with horrible embarrassment.

“Mischa?” Noel asked, quickly walking up to me with that same damn look on his face, the one so riddled with sympathy and concern that it made my cheeks only redden more.

I looked hideous, so much so that I couldn’t bear to even look at Noel, who was so close to me that my brain was short circuiting.

“Mischa.”

I turned my head towards him fast, surprised by the sudden seriousness in his voice. He looked relieved when I finally was looking at him and he sighed a little, gently lifting up his hand and holding it above my shoulder, making sure I was ok with him placing his hand there. That one part of me hated the idea, but the part of me that was buried deep inside my heart couldn’t nod quicker.

His hand lightly rested on my shoulder, warming it a little in a way that had my body relax slightly. I closed my eyes, causing tears that had been trapped in my eyes to fall, and sniffled a litte, feeling Noel caress my shoulder gently.

“What’s wrong?” Noel finally asked, breaking the silence.

I could barely speak, but I tried my best.

“I just- thought of my мама…” I spoke, the word leaving my lips and being quickly followed by more sobs, “she died, a while ago…”

Noel’s face dropped, his heart twisting in sympathy. He squeezed my shoulder a little, his idle hand moving slowly to my other shoulder.

“Do you want a hug?” he asked in a volume barely above a whisper.

I felt myself nod a little, I needed one, something to calm me, just like my mother always had..

Noel nodded and gently placed a hand in the middle of my back, the other going on my hair. Being hugged like that, or at all for that matter, was not something that I had experienced in a long time. He pulled me in so close that I could feel his breath on my skin. I buried my head into his shoulder, crying into it in a way that I just couldn’t control.

“I’m sorry-“ I tried to apologize for the tears that were probably drenching Noel, but he cut me off quickly.

“Don’t be,” he said, running his hand through the hair on the back of my head gently.

I don’t know how long he held me for, I just know that it was a while. I’d never had someone care for me even half that much since my mother. I cried in his arms until I couldn’t cry anymore, and still he held me for a little after I had. I felt warm and comfortable, the hug so tight yet gentle in a way that I didn’t know was possible.

Eventually and regrettably, we both pulled away, leaving us standing there, slightly smiling, slightly sniffling, for a little bit.

Noel looked up at me before leaving, “are you alright?”

“Mhm,” I nodded and he walked away, waving goodbye.

I waved back and looked in the mirror, my face was definitely red and not just from crying.

Chapter Text

The rest of that day I spent only pretending to listen in class, my mind was elsewhere, or to be more specific, in Noel’s arms.

I just couldn’t get over the feelings from being held like that, with so much care and empathy. Noel had been holding onto me as if he feared I would crumble any moment, and I feared the same.

I’d never really cried at school before, especially not since I had unwillingly moved to Canada. I didn’t want to seem weak or pathetic in front of my friends, I just followed them and pretended to want to do all the things they found funny, like intentionally hurting a boy who I secretly felt things for. Things that I would never be able to say as I could barely even think them without hating myself.

‘God I’m an idiot…’ I sighed both in my head and out loud.

Being “friends” with Noel had made me all weird. I was emotional and crying and I’d only started being friendly with him the day before. I’d never admit it, but it felt almost good to cry like that, particularly while in the arms of someone who made my head spin and my heart flutter.

I noticed many strange looks throughout the day, some girls slightly concerned, others laughing, boys making fun of me… I hated it more than anything.

‘Why did I have to think about that?’ I thought angrily, ‘what’s wrong with me?’

I wasn’t sure, but it was weird, weird enough for many to take notice. I had texted my friends and told them not to talk to me, telling them that it was to make the friendship between Noel and I seem more real, but I couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit relieved that I no longer had to constantly listen to them making weird comments about girls in our grade or bullying others like Noel.

This time, lunch was peaceful, sitting with Noel felt… right, almost. He didn’t mention my breakdown or tease me for it, he just talked to me about things he liked, which turned out to be pretty interesting to me.

He had three cats named Monique, Rose and Marlene. Monique was a black cat with gold eyes, Rose was a tortoiseshell and Marlene was blonde. He showed me pictures and I couldn’t help but smile. I’d always been a cat person, which my friends thought was weird.

“Real men like dogs,” Steve had said and Micheal and Adam had nodded.

“They are fine too..” I muttered, embarrassed and humiliated.

What was really interesting and unexpected about Noel was his love and interest for reptiles. He had a Mexican black king snake named Lola Lola, an Indonesian blue tongued skink named Indigo and a charcoal crested gecko named Ash.

I couldn’t help but smile the whole time he talked. The way that he rambled and ranted when he was passionate about something was unbelievably adorable to me. His eyes would shimmer and happy crinkles would form under them and on his nose, his smile was captivating in a way that I doubted I’d ever understand, luring me in and hooking me on every word he was saying.

He loved musicals and this show called Stranger Things, I’d never heard of it before but he practically begged me to watch it someday.

“It’s only got one season right now, but I think they are making more,” he thought out loud, something that he seemed to have a habit of doing.

“Mad wicked awesome,” I replied and Noel looked at me, his nose crinkling in laughter.

“What?” he laughed, his hands covering his mouth.

“Mad wicked awesome!” I said, trying to defend myself “is common phrase.”

“I don’t think so,” he grinned and I couldn’t help but, just for a second, let my gaze flick to his lips.

I prayed he didn’t notice, which thankfully he didn’t seem to. My body flooded with embarrassment, I was being weird again…

“So,” Noel began to ask once he’d finished laughing, cutting off my thoughts, “why are you in choir?”

“Hm?”

“Well you don’t seem to like it all that much,” he shrugged, “but I definitely understand, Ocean’s pretty annoying.”

“Pretty annoying?” I asked and a laugh slipped from Noel’s lips once again.

“Yeah, maybe more than that,” he smiled.

I thought about the question for a second, sighed, then gave the honest truth.

“Well, I am kind of in it for community service,” I mumbled awkwardly.

“Community service?” Noel asked, surprised, “what for?”

“Stealing three boxes of communion wine…” I laughed nervously and Noel started practically dying.

“Three boxes?” he asked in pure disbelief, “jeez Mischa!”

I laughed with him, everything and everyone else in the room did not matter in the slightest at that moment, just Noel and I.

When we finally stopped laughing, I looked back at Noel seriously.

“I am enjoying it little more now,” I said, “mainly since there are some people there who do not suck.”

“Am I one of them?” Noel asked jokingly.

I pretended to be conflicted for a moment, “hm, not sure,” I teased.

Noel rolled his eyes playfully, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. I found my cheeks glowing red as his smile grew, it seemed to always melt my heart in a way that nothing had ever done before.

Before I knew it, it was the end of the day and time for choir, something that was becoming increasingly enjoyable to me, mainly due to hanging out with Noel. I walked into the room with a smile on my face, a smile that brightened when I saw the beautiful boy sitting on the bleachers, an old book of poetry in his hands.

“Hey поет!” I waved happily and Noel looked up from his book to look at me, his face lighting up in a way that made mine redden. His eyes looked into mine in a way that made me almost dizzy, my head spun around in circles and my thoughts raced. I tried desperately to stop certain thoughts, thoughts that made my heart beat faster than ever before.

“Poet?” he asked, a tiny smirk on his face.

“You like poetry, do you not?” I asked, sitting next to him and shrugging.

He laughed in the adorable way he usually did, his eyes shut and his nose scrunched up which made him look unbelievably handsome. I was pretty sure I was short circuiting despite trying my hardest not to.

“Yeah I definitely do,” he said when his laughter finally had dissipated.

“Do you write it?” I queried, filled with curiosity.

“Yeah, quite a lot,” Noel smiled sheepishly, “I’m not sure how good my poetry is but I try.”

“I bet it is,” I said, unable to think for even a second that someone as tragic and beautiful as him wouldn’t write the most incredible and heart wrenching poems.

“Oh,” Noel breathed, surprised, “thanks.”

I couldn’t help but notice a twinge of red that lingered on his face, leading me to wonder whether I was just imagining it or not.

Thankfully interrupting my unwanted thoughts, Ricky approached us, placing his cane on the ground as he sat next to me.

(“What’s up gays?”) Ricky signed and I quickly turned my gaze over to Noel in anxiety.

(“I’m not gay Ricky”) I looked away in embarrassment and denial. I still hated that part of me that I refused to accept, the part of me that wanted nothing more than to press my lips to Noel’s, the part of me that longed for him more than I’d ever longed for anyone in my life.

As if reading my mind, Ricky raised his eyebrows and simply signed (“You sure?”) to which I had no response. But of course, he kept going. (“You look at Noel like he means more than every star in the entire sky.”)

I thought about it for a moment, I knew it was true no matter how much I tried to deny it. It hurt me more than anything, the truth, that is. My мама had supported me when I came out as trans, but I figured that was just because she had wanted a son. I had no idea how she would take me liking a boy.

(“Just stop,”) I signed, slightly upset. Thankfully Ricky listened, dropping the subject and nodding in understanding.

My eyes lingered on Noel, his focus on the page of the book in his hands. I felt my heart burn both in passion and agony, twisting in on itself painfully. Ever since I’d met Noel, one thing had become clear. I would’ve been fine being in love with him, if it hadn’t meant that I was in love with a boy.

Chapter Text

At the end of choir practice, Ocean waited by the door to get everyone’s numbers. She apparently wanted to make a group chat, an idea that I did not oppose in the slightest. I walked out with Noel and we gave Ocean what she needed. I couldn’t help but be excited to be able to talk to Noel outside of school, I’d been way too nervous to ask, but right then I didn’t have to.

Noel and I began to walk together, talking more about our interests, the next choir competition and classes. He made me smile more than my other friends ever could. I knew he was a person that my friends picked on, but I couldn’t help but feel a connection with him that I had never before felt. Eventually Noel and I reached the exit of the school, which I couldn’t help but be disappointed about. However, I was excited to text him.

“Bye Mischa!” Noel grinned as he waved goodbye, “I’ll text as soon as Ocean makes the group chat!”

As he began to walk away, I realized that I’d forgotten to breathe, or to say goodbye, for that matter. “Goodbye поет…” I whispered, feeling my voice trail on, almost entranced by how incredible Noel always looked. As I opened the doors and started in the opposite direction that Noel was going.

I began to walk home, but I felt the growling pit in my stomach and realized that I had to eat, so I went to the 7/11 first. I walked into the far too bright and colorful building, wincing at the sight but grabbing a snack anyways so I could have something before I got home, purely out of fear that the people I was forced to live with would hurt me again. Unfortunately, my friends were in the gas station, and they were pretty happy to see me.

“Yo Mischa!” Adam waved and I had to stifle a groan as I waved back.

“Hey,” Micheal greeted before staring at my bruise with an amused look, “did that gay kid beat you up or something?”

“No…” I mumbled, embarrassed, and came up with a lie that took way too long to form, “…some jerk tried to rob me, he looks worse and I can promise you that.”

“Well good job man,” Steve said, more in a teasing tone than anything else, “speaking of weirdos, what’d you learn about Noel?”

My heart stopped and I panicked for a moment, I’d forgotten that part of the “idea,” for quite a while, blinded by my admiration for the boy I was supposed to be making fun of. I quickly came up with something that I felt wouldn’t lead to them bullying him even further, something to make him look as good as he truly was.

“Well he has lot of animals though, likes Stranger Things and musicals,” I shrugged nonchalantly as I spoke, hoping to hide my nervousness and probably too obvious affection for Noel.

To my surprise and dismay, they began to laugh, finding something so cute and amazing about Noel absolutely stupid and hilarious. It made my blood boil, but I had to do my best to ignore it. I grabbed a bag of chips from where I was standing, hoping to leave very soon.

“I do not get why it is that funny though..” I murmured, confused.

“Those things are weird,” Steve said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and the other boys nodded in agreement.

“Yeah… ok,” I “agreed” with them, grabbed some chips and quickly waved, “goodbye guys.”

I swiftly paid and left, walking away as fast as I could, wiping the tears off my face. The walk home was, as usual, awful, but I couldn’t help but be a tiny bit excited about not the house itself, but talking to Noel. Maybe more than a tiny bit. I closed my eyes and sighed as I continued to walk, breathing in the scent of the rain which had poured that afternoon, a scent that reminded me of Noel. It was my favorite scent, it had always been.

I walked through the puddles of water on the damp sidewalk, watching both my reflection and the ripples that formed with each step. Rain made me feel calm, an emotion I didn’t often feel because I didn’t usually get the chance to. Feeling safe was a rare occurrence, mainly at home, but at school too. The constant fear of my friends finding out that I was a trans guy loomed over my head always, never truly dissipating.

I quickly walked through the house, a disgustingly modern building that practically hurt to look at, painted almost exclusively white. I tried to ignore it like I usually did, heading to the basement quickly before I was spotted by either of the adults living with me, fearing the consequences if I was. I touched my bruise as I remembered bitterly.

I eventually entered my cold room, pulling out the one blanket I had and shivering inside it, but I was soon warmed by a text from Noel. Ocean had made the group chat and I smiled ear to ear as I saw his name pop up on my cracked screen.

Noel: Hi, it’s Noel! How are you guys? :)

My heart beat a little faster as I read it, happily leaping and soaring in my chest as I began to type.

Mischa: Good! How are you поет?

Noel: Good!! :D

I sat in my room, now upright, smiling at my phone. Hoping and praying that Noel was doing the same. I couldn’t help but wonder if he also was unable to stop smiling as he read the messages, I certainly hoped so. I certainly was.

Ocean: Hey everyone, it’s Ocean. I was thinking, Father Marcus suggested that we should bond in order to compete better and more in sync, so I was thinking we could have a sleepover soon, that is, if this Saturday works for you all.

Ricky: Y do u type like that???

I couldn’t help but laugh at Ricky’s comment, as annoying as he was about Noel, he was clearly a good friend as well as being absolutely hilarious.

Ocean: You should really strive to use proper grammar.

Ricky: No thanks :3

Ocean: Whatever, can you all come?

I looked at the screen, more focused now, hoping Noel would say yes so I could go with him. Anticipation built in me as I read the responses.

Ricky: Yes I think so !!

Constance: Hi guys! It’s Constance, and yes I can :)

I waited as I saw Noel’s chat bubble pop up, anxiously awaiting his answer.

Noel: I should be able to come, even though you’re pretty annoying

I laughed and beamed as I read his text, practically kicking my feet as I typed.

Mischa: I will be there!

But what really made my face turn a bright red shade was the next text that appeared on my screen.

Noel: Good, you’re cool Mischa! :)

I had to bury my face deep in my pillow to stop myself from screaming at that. Noel was so effortlessly perfect and adorable and the fact that he had called me cool had my cheeks glowing brighter than my uniform sweater.

We had all said our goodbyes and I kept reading the texts over and over, unsure of what to do until school the next morning. I listened to music for a while, cheesy love songs that I had found myself listening to more than I ever had before, mainly due to the fact that I had someone to imagine the song was about. However, it was someone who would never like someone like me. Someone who never should like someone like me.

‘Would he support me if he knew that I was trans?’ I thought worriedly, ‘what if he is one of those transphobic gays?’

I doubted he would be, he was a kind person, more so than anyone I’d ever met. But that knowledge didn’t make the worry go away, it was always there with every person, a rotting feeling deep in my chest, one that made it hard to even breathe.

I breathed out a shaky, shivery sigh, desperately trying to calm down the anxiety-induced nausea that was building. I hated that I got so stressed like that. I hated that it happened all the time.

I was getting bored, a feeling that was definitely better than anxiety, but not desirable. I wasn’t sure what to do for the rest of the day.

That’s when it caught my eye. A book was sitting, upside down and open, on my floor. It was my old journal that I had been given by my mom before she sent me away.

I got up and decided to look through it, only to find that I hadn’t written much in it. I had decided in the last page I’d written that writing in a journal was uncool, something that my friends had likely told me. But I decided that I had different interests from my friends, so I began to write once again, finding that the subject of my writing was one particular person. Noel.

I didn’t know I was even capable of writing for that long, especially in English. My мама told me to use it for practice as well, as she wanted it to be easy for me to connect with my peers, but speaking English or not, that was absolutely not easy.

Writing about Noel felt easy, right almost. I liked thinking about him, it made my heart warm up and flutter around in the cage of my ribs. It was a strange feeling, but one that I couldn’t help but long for.

I wondered if he thought of me like that. I doubted it, but I wished more than anything that he would. Everyone I had ever loved I had lost, and I just wanted that to not be the case for one time in my life. I wanted to be loved more than anything. I wanted to be loved in the way that I was in my country, but with my mother dead and Talia probably dating someone else, even there I’d have nobody to care for me.

I tried to get my mind off of that, attempting to focus on the sleepover which was pretty exciting. I eventually put my book away, which had significantly more written pages than when I’d started, to the point where it was pretty impressive. I wrote about the days in between when I’d quit writing and now, mostly the ones that Noel was in. Those were the happiest.

I curled up in bed and turned off my lamp, closing my eyes and letting myself drift into a dream. Well, a dream that quickly turned into a nightmare.

Chapter Text

I was sitting next to Noel in the school cafeteria, it felt extremely real, so much so that I hadn’t even noticed that it was a dream. Every detail of the school was right, every detail of his face was right. Everything felt real. He was smiling and laughing next to me, in a way so adorable that it made me want to tell him how I really felt about him, but that was before my dream had taken a turn for the worse.

“What’s up Mischa?” Steve grinned as he, Micheal and Adam walked up to us, in a way that made my stomach lurch.

“Mischa?” Noel asked and I quickly turned to look at him, “I thought you weren’t friends with them..”

“Why would he ever have picked you over us?” Micheal asked, “He never cared about you. It was a prank.”

“I-“ I tried to say something, anything, but Noel ran away, leaving me with nothing but the laughter of my “friends.” I’d had nightmares about all sorts of monsters and even my adoptive parents but that one was the worst.

I woke up not even just crying but practically sobbing. I was curled up into a tight ball with my blanket, but cold still nipped bitterly at my skin. I felt alone, like any moment they were going to tell Noel the truth that was no longer the truth. It was unbelievably terrifying.

I eventually managed to wipe all the tears from my face and I was then finally able to read my phone. I had some notifications from Ocean and the others as she asked if we could all sit together at lunch. Everyone had replied yes, including Noel, so I typed it in as well.

It definitely made me feel less alone, which helped ease the tension burning in my chest. I was going to see Noel again, he didn’t actually hate me, it was nothing but a dream. But either way, the dream had made me more anxious than I’d been in a while.

I quickly got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair, grabbed the “breakfast” (my parents’ leftovers) and began to walk to school. It was cold out, but only a bit colder than the basement I’d slept in from summer to now.

The walk was nice, calming even. I breathed in cold air and exhaled it in sighs, watching my breaths turn into smoke then fly away into the sky. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it, relishing in the tiny bit of warmth it gave me.

The sky was dreary and gray, populated only by clouds and the rain that was slightly drizzling. I smiled gently and kept walking, throwing my cigarette into a nearby trash can and beginning to eat my food as I went. It tasted fine, I just barely had anything to taste.

I eventually made it to the school and walked to my locker. The hallways were crowded and I could feel people bumping into me almost constantly, it made my shoulders tense in that horrible way. I hated being bumped into, I hated being grabbed on the shoulder by my friends and I hated people touching me in general. The only times I’d ever felt safe in someone’s arms were when my мама would hug me and when Noel did. I loved those.

If I could’ve been in Noel’s arms for the rest of my life, I would’ve. It would’ve been worth it too.

Speaking of Noel, I caught a glimpse of him waving in the corner of my eye, and I quickly waved back. The smile on his face made my heart beat just a little faster, something that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed before.

‘Have I always felt like this?’ I wondered, ‘I have always admired him.. what if that was not ever admiration and I am just an idiot?’

I wasn’t sure, but the answer was slowly becoming more clear. I was not very knowledgeable emotionally, mainly because I’d grown up around boys (especially when I moved) that pushed everything emotion-wise down so deep, knowing that one day it would erupt like boiling lava, but not caring in the slightest.

The first class on Wednesday was art, a class that I normally was not very good at, but that I’d try my best in. Luckily, Noel had that class, which made me incredibly happy. He sat down next to me and I couldn’t help but focus on how close our chairs were for pretty much the entire time the teacher was explaining.

He was so gorgeous in a way I couldn’t understand, I never wanted to kiss someone so badly until I met him. I thankfully (but barely) managed to understand the goal.

We had to paint the person next to us.

My face undoubtedly went bright red. The idea of staring into Noel’s eyes for longer than a few seconds made cheeks glow so deeply I was pretty sure I resembled a tomato. I desperately hoped that he didn’t notice, but it would’ve been hard not to.

It was a difficult task. Firstly, it was incredibly hard to not press my lips to Noel’s every time I looked him in the face, and secondly, you had to do it from memory almost, only looking at the other person every so often, so that was hard too.

I felt like Noel was going to be a better painter than me, which he was, but I was surprised with how easily I was able to paint him from memory. It was like he was permanently tattooed on my brain, always there, but I didn’t mind it.

“Wow,” Noel commented, making me jolt a little, “that’s really good!”

I smiled and laughed awkwardly, hoping that he didn’t notice how little I had to look at him. “Thanks,” I nodded, “I love yours!”

He grinned softly and moved a hand to point, “I love the shading here.”

‘Oh my god oh my god..’

I was very much blushing like crazy over the fact that his hand was brushing up against mine, and that he was leaning almost into me as he talked about it. I felt lightheaded and my brain was spinning and spiraling and crashing and…

“Seriously, good job,” Noel smiled, turning his head to face me.

The way that his eyes gleamed as he looked into mine had me about to pass out, I was in way too deep but at that moment I couldn’t have cared less. I had to consistently stop myself from kissing him by reminding myself that he, in fact, did likely not like me back, was supposed to be a fake friend, and would possibly not even want to be my friend if he found out that I was trans.

I felt proud of my work that class, and what made me feel even more that way were Noel’s comments about it. I couldn’t help but be happy over it.

That day went by slowly, just like the rest of the ones that led up to the sleepover. By the time it was Friday, I was practically bouncing up and down with excitement. The feelings I had for Noel were there more than ever, which I still slightly worried about as I knew my friends would hate and ditch me the minute they found out.

I’d been mostly without my friends, besides them texting me all the time to ask questions about Noel that I didn't want to answer and showing up at stores I would go to.

I just didn’t know how I would deal with being without them forever. The more that time went on, the more I realized that what I had first said to Noel was not a lie. But I knew that if I left them they’d never leave me alone. I knew that they would pick on me and bully me for as long as they could, so I had to stay.

Friday started with drama, which was fun and with both Noel and Ricky, although considering how Ricky raised his eyebrows at me whenever I looked at Noel, it might’ve been a little awkward.

I walked into the class and Noel smiled at me while waving. I didn’t understand how Noel was so sweet, it had me a little confused, how a person could be so kind, but it had me smiling too.

The class was great. We had to do these little scripted skits in groups. Of course, the one that Noel, Ricky and I got was of a child and their parents and it had two of the characters holding hands.

Before I could call the child as I figured that was a bad idea, Ricky quickly called it and I felt worried, but also happy deep down.

“Ok, so I guess we’re the parents?” Noel asked me, looking at the script then back to me.

I nodded awkwardly, “Yeah.”

We began to work on the script. It was short and easy to memorize, it was just also a little bit embarrassing. I’d imagine we’d get made fun of for being both boys as the parents, but that part of me that was happy about it was almost too happy to be brought down by something like that.

(“Ok,”) Ricky signed, (“let’s run the scene.”)

The scene started with Noel and I in the kitchen, Noel was making something and I was mime-talking to him. Ricky walked in and smiled at us, signing his line (the teacher had promised to read them out over his signing).

(“Hey guys!”) Ricky grinned.

We both turned around and right then was when Noel grabbed my hand. My head was spinning so much that I felt I was going to pass out right then and there. His hand was cold, but soft.

He smiled up at me and even though I knew it didn’t mean anything, my heart still skipped several beats.

The rest of the skit was easy, I just had to try my best to hide the blush on my face. We ran it a couple of times until we eventually were ready to perform. All the groups sat down and ours was called first, so we began despite the anxiety pounding in my chest.

We managed to get through it, but I heard laughter when Noel held my hand. People thought it was weird. I had been scared to ever tell anyone about my feelings for Noel, but then my fear only increased when I saw the reactions of my classmates.

When class was done, I walked out with Noel and I felt embarrassed by the kids looking for us. I hoped my “friends” wouldn’t find out about it, but I knew they probably would. I would just have to say that I was made to, which I was, except I would leave out the part where I liked the feeling of Noel’s hand in mine.

The rest of the day until lunch was pretty boring, but it was fine as the excitement for both a choir group lunch and (mostly) the sleepover helped keep me awake.

When it was finally lunchtime, I walked to the table where Noel, Ocean and Ricky were sitting (and glaring at each other). Noel smiled when he saw me, but he and Ocean seemed to be frenemies definitely.

“What is wrong?” I asked curiously, and the two looked back at each other then at me.

(“They’re trying to decide what movie to watch at the sleepover”) Ricky signed with a clearly exasperated look on his face.

I laughed slightly as Ocean suggested the movie Cinderella, to which she replied “It has a good message Mischa.”

“Alright, sure..” I rolled my eyes playfully and looked over at Noel, “what do you want to watch?”

“The Blue Angel,” he smiled as Ocean glared at him.

“That movie is too inappropriate, Noel,” she said, to which he simply rolled his eyes.

“What’s it about?” I asked curiously.

“Well it’s about this professor who sees that his students are looking at photos of and talking about this cabaret performer Lola Lola. So he goes to The Blue Angel club to see her and falls in love with her,” he started, “but it doesn’t go well for him.”

I thought about it for a moment. I'd never been a huge fan of sad movies, especially ones about love, but Noel seemed to care for them a lot, so I wanted to give it a try.

“I’d watch that!” I said, smiling as I saw the look of pure joy and excitement on Noel’s face.

Ocean looked at Ricky, who then nodded at me while signing yes.

I was the only one who was fluent in sign language besides Ricky, but the others had been trying a little to learn, which he clearly appreciated.

Soon Constance showed up and sat down, smiling and waving at us.

“Hey guys!” she grinned and placed her food on the table.

We all began to talk and listen to each other and surprisingly, hanging out with Ocean was actually fun. She was annoying, yes, but she was pretty funny (even if sometimes she was not intending to.

After lunchtime, we went back to our classes, then choir, then eventually, we went home. I definitely wasn’t excited to be “home,” but I was excited about the fact that going to sleep would bring me closer to the sleepover.

I hadn’t been to a sleepover since I had been in Ukraine, just parties with my “friends” that I didn’t really like. So this was a chance to actually have fun, and to be able to sleep in any temperature but freezing cold.

It was again raining when I was walking home, and I had no umbrella, so I was absolutely drenched by the time I arrived. This made me even colder, which was great. I liked the feeling of rain on my skin, but it was pouring so hard I felt like buckets of extremely cold water were being poured on my head over and over again.

When I got home, I decided to take a warm shower. It was barely warm, but it helped a tiny bit. I put on a sweater and sweatpants and curled up into my bed, which was practically made of ice, but I managed to shiver myself asleep.

In the morning I woke up with a feeling of excitement rushing through me. I couldn't believe it was finally Saturday, the day I’d been waiting for.

I couldn’t wait to talk to Noel without worrying about the judgment of my “friends.” I wanted to be able to just talk to him without any fear that someone would make fun of him after. It hurt me just to think about people being even the slightest bit rude towards him

We were supposed to arrive at about 5:30, which meant that I had to figure out something to do for the remaining hours till then, as Ocean lived very close. Luckily, I had woken up at about 12:30, so the wait wasn’t as long as it could’ve been.

I decided to write in my journal again. I didn’t write for the whole time, but for a good percentage of it. It made me feel better, and there were so many good things about Noel to write, to the point where the list was probably endless.

I then put some clothes on. I wore my binder, a black tank top covered by a dark green oversized sweater and gray sweatpants. I couldn’t help but wonder if Noel would like my outfit. I hoped he would.

Before I knew it, it was 5:10, so I decided to start walking to Ocean’s house. Thankfully the rain had slowed to just a drizzle, leaving me just a little damp by the time I got to her house. I was surprised to learn that her home smelled of weed, but I supposed that had to have been her parents as Ocean would definitely not smoke.

I went to the door and knocked on it, waiting for an answer, however, Ocean was not the one who opened it. Behind the door was Noel.

“Oh!” Noel exclaimed happily, “Hi Mischa!”

I felt my cheeks glow as I smiled. There truly was nothing better than hearing him say my name in that way, filled with joy and excitement. I wished with all my heart that I could hear it every hour of every day.

He was wearing a rosey red sweater and black jeans, and they looked really good on him.

“Hey..” I waved, hoping that I didn’t look as awkward and nervous as I felt.

Noel smiled and opened the door further to let me walk in, which I did, then we walked over to the rest of the group.

The house was a pretty average sized house, filled with plants and pastry scented candles. The furniture seemed pretty old, so I assumed most of it had been in their family for a while.

They were all sitting on the couch and talking about what to do first, until they finally had a good idea.

“We could play monopoly,” Constance suggested and everyone began to nod.

“Sounds great!” I agreed, even though I had never played it before. It seemed like it was going to be fun, so I wanted to try it.

Ocean got the game out and explained how to play, which everyone but me was annoyed by (I appreciated it a little bit as I didn’t want to look like an idiot for not knowing).

It was fun, the game. I ended up losing as Ocean had bought almost every property around the board, however Noel had the two most expensive ones fully maxed out, so when Ocean landed on one she had very much lost.

“Let’s go!” Noel exclaimed in a mix of excitement and surprise as Ocean lowered her head onto the table in defeat.

As Constance comforted Ocean, I smiled over at Noel, who was already grinning at me.

“Good job!” I congratulated, proud of him for winning.

“Thanks!” he replied softly and happily, his smile widening a little.

The game had taken a while, so we decided to get our pajamas on. I was going to change in a guest bedroom, a relatively small room with a blue queen sized bed and bluer walls, and Noel was going to change in the bathroom, but as he was walking towards it, I noticed something.

“Noel?”

Noel looked over at me with a slightly confused, slightly worried look on his face.

“What’s up?” he responded nervously.

“Is that a binder?” I asked curiously, feelings of hope blooming in my heart at the possibility that Noel was trans too.

“I- well..” Noel stuttered, and I realized I had stressed him out. Shit.

“Noel it’s ok,” I held up my hands and smiled awkwardly, “I wear one too.”

I visibly saw Noel’s heart relax, mine certainly did the same. Finding out that he was trans too had me freaking out on the inside. I didn’t have to worry about him being a transphobe (even though that was a stupid worry in the first place, he’s Noel).

“You’re trans too?” Noel asked, a surprised and relieved look on his face.

“Yeah,” I grinned, “I am.”

“Oh!” his eyes brightened. “Cool!” he exclaimed.

He looked as if he was about to walk away, but I stopped him.

“Noel?”

“Hm?”

“Do you have something to wear at night that is not that?” I asked.

Noel sighed worriedly, “I do have a bra, but I accidentally grabbed these pajamas which are way too tight, so I don’t know what to do. My sweater isn’t that big either, not enough to hide it at least.”

“Hold on,” I pulled off my sweatshirt and offered it to him, “do you want this?”

I thought that maybe, for just a second, Noel’s face had reddened, but I wasn’t sure.

“Oh!” Noel exclaimed, clearly surprised. “Y-yeah! Sure,” he stuttered and I smiled at how adorable it was, like everything else he did.

He took it from my hand and grinned at me, then walked into the bathroom. I put on my bra and oversized T-shirt, which thankfully hid me pretty well. I kept the sweatpants on though. I didn’t really have any pajamas, to be honest, just a change of warm clothes.

I waited for a bit for Noel to come out, and when he did I was definitely blushing like crazy. He was wearing my sweater and the small pajama shorts he had, and he looked really good.

“Ти такий гарний…” I sighed out.

Noel looked at me funny, and I realized that I had not thought it, but said it out loud. Oh fuck.

He sat down on the bed next to me, looking me in the eyes. He was so beautiful I couldn’t help but imagine kissing him. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t make the thoughts go away.

“What does that mean Mischa?” he asked curiously, leaving me incredibly embarrassed and nervous. I mean, I wasn’t going to admit that I accidentally called him handsome, but I didn’t know what to do.

“I- well…” I stuttered awkwardly, “it just means you are… good friend..!” I smiled at him, and thankfully he smiled back, somehow not sensing I was lying even though it was incredibly obvious.

“Oh,” he smiled softly, “thanks.”

I couldn’t stop myself from staring at his lips, just a little bit. They looked soft and sweet, as well as warm. I didn’t think I’d ever wanted something so badly. I found myself unconsciously leaning in, just a little-

“Why are you guys taking so long?” Ocean snapped the door open, leaving me instantly leaning away from Noel.

“Oh sorry Ocean,” I muttered awkwardly.

Noel didn’t say anything, just glared at her. Thankfully (and surprisingly) Noel didn’t notice that I had accidentally leaned in on him. Well, it was either that or he just didn’t want to even acknowledge the idea of me kissing him.

‘What if I made him weirded out?’ I thought fearfully, ‘What if he just hates me now?’

Ocean rolled her eyes and left the room, leaving Noel smiling at me for a second. I wondered if he’d ask about the leaning thing. If he did, I’d have nothing to say in my defense, and he would either hate me or love me, and both scared me for their own reasons.

He didn’t ask, however, but stood up instead. I’ll admit, it left me slightly relieved, but also slightly disappointed.

“Come on,” he smiled, beckoning me with his hand as he began to move.

I nodded and he began to walk downstairs. I followed while desperately trying (and failing) to not stare at him.

We got downstairs eventually and I sat down on the couch, quickly being followed by Noel, who sat no more than a few inches away from me. The shorts still had my brain spinning, but the fact that he was wearing my sweater had it spinning even more. He wore it better than I did, to be honest.

“Ok, can we all watch The Blue Angel?” Noel asked hopefully, to which I nodded.

Ricky raised his eyebrows at me, but nodded. Thankfully, everyone (except Ocean) eventually agreed.

As we watched the movie, I realized that I was watching Noel more than it, something he thankfully didn’t seem to notice. It was a little hard to focus with him sitting next to me, but I still tried as it was his favorite movie, and it was very good.

I began to cry, a tiny bit, at some parts during the movie. I desperately tried to hold it in, to stop it, but it didn’t work.

I felt Noel put a gentle hand on my shoulder, and I turned to see his smiling face looking at me.

“Are you ok?” He asked, squeezing my shoulder a tiny bit,

“Oh- uh.. mhm,” I mumbled awkwardly as he gently made circles on my back with his hand, “it is just sad..”

I noticed he had moved a little closer to me, something that made my head race. I hated how I overthought everything when it came to Noel, I wished that he would just be easy to read, although I guess nobody ever was for me.

We eventually finished the movie, and Ocean was in fact very ready to voice her opinions about it.

“That was a fine movie,” she started, “just very inappropriate.”

Noel rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Alright Ocean.”

“Guys I think we should probably sleep soon,” Constance added, “it’s getting late.”

We all agreed and got blankets, then each found our own spot on the couch. I laid where the middle section ended and Noel laid on the bit of the couch that went forward instead of sideways. The others all found spots to lie down, so we all began trying to sleep.

It took little time for me to fall asleep that night. It usually took me hours, but I imagined that both the warmth and Noel helped me rest better. The leftover heat from the fire that had been only just extinguished seeped into my bones and had me barely able to keep my eyes open.

I desperately wished that I could sleep like that every night, but I knew I’d never get that kind of warm, safe feeling at my house.

Noel looked peaceful too, and that helped a lot. He was so pretty I couldn’t even fathom it, but I luckily didn’t have to as he was right in front of me. It took him a while to fall asleep too, so I’m not sure who was up longer.

After barely any time, I felt my eyes close for a much longer time, sleep taking me into its arms.

Chapter Text

I was curled up in Noel’s arms and we were on the couch still. He was running his fingers through my curls and looking into my eyes gently. It made my heart skip so many beats that I wondered if I needed a doctor or some kind.

“You’re so handsome,” he whispered softly, pulling himself closer and pressing his forehead to mine.

I couldn’t believe he’d just said that to me, I had never expected those words to come from the most beautiful person in the world. It made me almost believe it.

Our lips were so close that I could feel his breath on mine, it made my face almost as pink as his lips, which I couldn’t stop staring at.

“Noel,” I quietly whispered into his lips, unable to keep the words from spilling out, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Noel replied, pressing his soft lips into mine.

It felt amazing. I cupped his face gently with my hands, and he did the same to me. That was a feeling that I needed so desperately. I’d never imagined it would actually happen, but it did.

At least, that’s what I thought.

I quickly woke up to realize it had just been a dream, as the boy who was still sleeping in front of me was so far above my league that I would never have a chance.

I sat up and looked around the room, seeing that unfortunately, Ocean was the only one awake. Great.

She was already cleaning, which I wasn’t very surprised about as it was Ocean, but it was quite early and there wasn’t really any mess.

I was going to pretend I was still asleep, but I realized it was already too late.

“Good morning Mischa,” she smiled in the strange, overly formal way that she usually did and I tried to smile back.

“Morning,” I nodded, picking at my nails awkwardly in hopes to avoid conversation.

She noticed, unfortunately, quickly asking me a question I hated.

“Are you alright?” She asked, looking at me with a concerned look on her face.

“I-“ I hesitated, unsure whether to lie to her or to be honest, strangely though, I went for the latter. “Not really.”

She came and sat next to me, and for once, I didn’t feel annoyed.

“Is it your parents?” She asked cautiously and I nodded in response.

“I think this is first time I have slept well in months,” I said, trying to laugh, but that didn’t amuse Ocean.

“Why can’t you sleep at home?” She asked intently.

“Why do you care?” I questioned, unable to comprehend why someone (especially Ocean) would care so much about my “home” life.

She sighed, “My parents are awful too,” she continued, “but I’m not in danger. Are you?”

I placed a hand on the spot on my face, still tender and painful.

“Is not important,” I mumbled, but Ocean was still worried.

“I saw the bruise, Mischa,” Ocean finally said, breaking the silence, “what happened?”

I couldn’t tell her, I knew that, but I also knew she’d never believe me if I lied.

“I..” I hesitated once again, “I think you already know.”

Her face saddened, and I couldn’t help but worry for her.

“What’s wrong with your parents?” I asked, concerned for Ocean despite my previous disliking of her.

“It sounds stupid in comparison,” she whispered, “but they just forget to take care of me, like it’s a task they can’t bother to carry out. So you know, I’ve been feeding myself and doing all that stuff since I can remember, but I don’t think I’ve ever once heard them say anything good about me, or really much of anything at all.”

I nodded and sat there in silence for a brief moment, taking in her words the best I could. Is that why she tries so hard in classes? So her parents will notice her? So they will be proud?’ I thought, and as if she could understand what I was thinking by the look in my eyes, she nodded.

The silence that followed wasn’t brief. It felt like it had lasted forever, echoing through the room awkwardly.

Neither of us were really sure what to say, either. We both felt scared and sad on the other’s behalf, but we had no idea how to fix either of our situations. All we could do was deal with it.

Thankfully, the silence was broken as Constance woke up, followed by Ricky, leaving Noel the only one still asleep.

“How does he even sleep that long?” Ricky asked two hours later when the clock hit twelve.

I shrugged. I’d never slept even close to that long, as either nightmares or the cold would wake me up. Even at Constance’s house, where I felt safe, I still only slept about 8 hours in total as I tended to wake up many times throughout the night, although that night was better.

I looked down at Noel once again and smiled softly, only to hear him sigh a name under his breath.

“Mischa..”

My face went red, and even more so when I realized he was still asleep, just dreaming. Dreaming about me? I wasn’t sure.

My heart was filled with the tiniest bit of hope, hope that maybe he could someday love me, but I knew that was false.

I then saw his eyelashes begin to flutter open, and I quickly looked away.

Ricky noticed and gave me another one of his looks. I didn’t get how he always knew everything like that, I mean, he’d known of my feelings before I did.

I was going to try to talk to Ricky, but that was when I heard Noel say my name again, but this time with full consciousness.

“Mischa?” he mumbled, his eyelids heavy.

He was still laying on the couch with his head looking up at me, and I couldn’t get over how pretty he looked.

“H-hi!” I stuttered slightly, hating myself for it. I often stuttered a lot, especially when nervous, which Noel certainly made me.

Noel smiled at me, slowly blinking his eyelids (almost in the way that cats do). It made my cheeks slightly pink and my chest feel too small for my fast-beating heart inside it.

He slowly sat up, rubbing his tired eyes which began to look at me again. We both grinned and I felt the (almost constant) urge to kiss him.

Thankfully, Constance began to speak, giving me an excuse to turn away and collect myself.

“So what do you guys want to do?” she asked indecisively.

“Hmm,” I say, thinking out loud, “maybe bake or something?”

I liked the idea of baking, but I especially liked the idea of having food to bring home, that way I’d have more than just leftovers for a few days.

“Do you like baking?” Noel asked, interested.

“I do not know, never have,” I shrugged, “but it seems fun!”

He smiled and nodded, “I’d like to be good at it, but I’m not very.”

He laughed a little and the others all agreed with my idea of baking, so we followed Constance to the kitchen.

I grabbed the ingredients given to me by Constance and stood next to Noel, who had begun to attempt the recipe for pumpkin bread.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to bake, so I flipped through the recipe book. I eventually found one for orange muffins and I decided that was what I wanted to do.

As I baked, I couldn’t help but look at Noel from time to time. He was so adorable when he was focused like that, a semi-serious expression on his face that made him look really cute (even more so than he was already).

“What are you all making?” Constance asked curiously, “I’m making a cake.”

“Cupcakes,” Ocean replied, although she seemed quite frustrated, so I imagined she’d been struggling to do so.

“Pumpkin bread,” Noel nodded and smiled.

“Orange muffins,” I answered.

(“Cookies with planets on them,”) Ricky signed with a big grin on his face.

“Awesome!” Constance cheered.

The others were talking a bit, but I just quietly continued baking. I’d never done it before, so I definitely needed to focus.

Noel was also pretty quiet, likely for similar reasons. We gave each other a few glances and smiles throughout the time we spent baking, but we were both pretty focused.

Eventually and surprisingly, l managed to successfully make the muffins, and to my surprise, they tasted delicious.

Noel looked over my shoulder at them and smiled gently.

“Can I have one please?” he asked and I quickly nodded.

“Sure!” I grinned, glad he had wanted to try one as they were really good.

I handed him a muffin and for a brief moment, our fingers touched on it. Again, it was brief, but nice as well.

He took a bite and his eyes widened slightly.

“You’ve never baked before?” he asked after finally swallowing.

I shook my head.

“Woah,” he said finally, “this is really good.”

I smiled at him again, and he made sure to return the gesture.

I waited for the others to be done, and eventually they all were.

We all then sat down on the table and began trying each others’ food. I tried a bit of Noel’s pumpkin bread and despite what he’d said earlier, it was actually very good.

“I thought you said you were bad at baking,” I said, tilting my head and grinning at him.

He laughed a little, which made my heart flutter, “I guess I can successfully bake only pumpkin bread.”

“Not a bad thing to know how to make,” I shrugged, the grin from before still lingering on my face.

He smiled at that, the look on his face making me blush in a way that I hoped was not obvious.

After we all ate a bit, it was unfortunately time to leave. I didn’t want to, frankly, but I agreed anyway.

We slowly began to leave but before then, Noel tapped me on the shoulder.

“See you later Mischa!” He smiled and pulled me into a hug that once again, I could’ve stayed in forever.

His head was buried in my shoulder and my fast beating heart was touching his. I put my hands on his back gently to hug him back, and I wondered if this long of a hug was normal for friends here. I supposed it was.

When he finally pulled back, he smiled and waved, walking away and leaving me with only my thoughts and Ricky, of course, who was looking at me with his usual raised eyebrows.

I felt the need to ask something, so I did.

“Is kind of hug normal here?” I asked, turning to Ricky, who face palmed at my words.

(“Mischa.”) Ricky started, (“you are possibly the most dense person on this earth.”)

I knew it was true, but I couldn’t help getting a little offended.

“Noel does not like me like that,” I mumbled, checking to make sure nobody was around. Thankfully everyone except us two was gone as Constance had gone back in her house.

(“If that’s what you think,”) Ricky signed finally after staring at me like I was stupid.

“Bye Ricky,” I waved awkwardly and began to walk the way that Ocean had gone, “home.”

On the way, I got some texts that made my heart sink.

My “friends” had texted me.

12:30 am

Adam: What’s up guys?

Micheal: Good just recorded a new song

Adam: Nice

Steve: Cool

Micheal: thanks guys

Micheal: Mischa where are you?

Steve: probably with that weirdo

Micheal: True

4:00 pm

Micheal: What are you having a sleepover or something??

Steve: Id feel bad if he was

Steve: I definitely wouldn’t want to have one with Noel

Adam: Same

I didn’t think my heart could hurt worse, but somehow reading their texts about Noel made it so.

Noel wasn’t a bad person, nor was he weird or ugly. Their words made my free hand clench into a tight fist, however there was no one near to use it on.

Despite me wanting to never talk to them again, I feared being their new target, so I responded.

Mischa: sorry I am here

Micheal: Were you at a sleepover?

Mischa: Well yeah but I had to be

Micheal: With Noel???

Mischa: It was your idea

Micheal: Eww

Micheal: What happened??

Mischa: It was us and the rest of choir, we watched a movie, played board game and he slept till like 12:30

Micheal: Weird

Micheal: He was probably dreaming of you lolll

I was going to combat this, but I had no idea how, especially with the fact that I heard him say my name in his sleep.

Mischa: Whatever

Mischa: Bye guys, I am going home

Steve: bye

Adam: Bye!

Micheal: cya

I put my phone back in my pocket and let out a sigh. I wasn’t sure how the people I thought were my friends could be so cruel.

I honestly felt more at home with the people I was “pretending” to be friends with than them, which said a lot about how I felt about them.

As I walked back, the dream I had of Noel still was fresh and vivid in my mind, and I couldn’t stop replaying it.

I wished so desperately that it was real, but that would never be the case.

However, just before I got home, I got a text that I was actually happy to receive.

Noel: Hey Mischa :]

My heart skipped a beat when I read it and realized that it wasn't any of my “friends,” but Noel.

Mischa: Hey поет

I had stopped walking and was standing against a tree instead, but I wanted to text him more than I wanted to get home.

Noel: Do you have a favorite movie?

Mischa: Oh yeah, Saw V

Noel: Cool!

Noel: Do you think I can come over to watch it with you?

I felt myself blush a tiny bit. I knew it was stupid to think he liked me, but I couldn’t help but hold onto the idea.

Mischa: Oh sure, but I do not have a tv so maybe on my laptop?

Noel: That works :)

Mischa: Great! When are you coming over?

Noel: Later today maybe? Like 6 or 7?

I thought about it for a moment, and that would be great, but there were two small issues.

Mischa: Yeah, but make sure to wear something long cause it is really cold in my room

Mischa: Oh and also go through the basement door please, my room is there.

Noel: Got it :)

As I began to walk again, I kept looking down at the little smiley face he sent, as it just made me happy to see (particularly coming from him).

It took a while to get home, so I once again stopped at a gas station to get both some popcorn for Noel and a cherry Icee for me, although considering the cold of my room I doubted that was a good idea. However, I did find a blanket that was a lot warmer than my own at home, so I got it too.

I then left the store and got home, making sure to not see my “friends” again. I was already mad at them, and it seemed that every time they talked or texted they got worse.

I walked up to my “home,” which couldn’t possibly have been uglier, and snuck inside through the back door so as to not be noticed by my adoptive parents.

I shivered as I laid down in bed, trying desperately to warm up. It was noticeably better with the blanket however, so I was pretty happy about that. I drank my icee and began to write in my book again.

It was stupid, really stupid, but I couldn’t get myself to stop writing about him. Someone could decide to use it as a history book in the future, based on how many events it had listed and described.

As I waited for Noel to show up, I turned on my computer which my mother had bought me when I still lived in Ukraine, and got the movie ready to play.

I then got dressed, which meant simply comfortable clothes that could be worn to sleep mainly because I forgot to ask what he was going to wear.

I didn’t think I could’ve been more excited for him to show up, as I was already walking in circles around my room in anticipation.

Finally, at about 6:30, I heard a quiet knock from the basement door, and I quickly ran to it.

I was met with Noel standing in sweatpants and a hoodie, and even in that he looked so beautiful that I forgot to breathe for a good couple of seconds.

“H-hi!” I smiled, once again choking on my own words in a way that had me kind of embarrassed.

He gave me a soft grin, his hazel eyes gleaming.

“Hey Misch,” he greeted.

Misch… I had never heard the nickname before, but it felt right in a way. My face felt warm from his words, but I tried desperately to cool it down at least somewhat.

“Misch?” I ask, completely dumbfounded.

“Oh,” he laughs only the tiniest bit, “it’s just a nickname, do you not like it-“

“No I do,” I said quickly, causing him to laugh a bit more.

“Good,” he smiled and my heart melted.

“You want to come in?” I ask, and he nods.

I lead him in and he sits on the edge of my bed, still looking at me with that adorable look on his face.

Noel was possibly one of the most expressive people I’d ever seen, you could practically see him thinking. It was frankly the cutest thing ever.

He then moved back to the wall at the start bed and patted next to him, calling me to sit there.

I sat down on the spot and awkwardly smiled at him.

“Oh I have some popcorn too,” I quickly remembered and grabbed it for him, “here.”

“Thanks,” he smiled, taking the popcorn and eating a tiny bit of it.

I then laid down slightly, my back leaning against the wall a little bit, so I could balance the computer and see it better. I made sure to explain this to Noel so as to avoid seeming any more strange than I already was.

He proceeded to do the same and I made sure to angle the screen towards him a little in order to make sure he could see well, thankfully it worked, but somewhat early into the movie, he asked a question that had my face practically on fire.

“Can I..” he paused, unsure of how to describe whatever he was asking.

He then proceeded to put his head almost on my shoulder, looking at me as if to ask permission to do so.

My face went red as I blushed, still unsure that any of this was real. It had to be a dream again, right?

I almost forgot to answer, but I soon snapped out of my thoughts.

“Oh! Uhm, sure!” I said, trying to sound like it wasn’t a big deal, but it absolutely was to me.

Noel smiled, seeming to not notice my nervousness, or at least pretending not to.

Noel rested his head on my shoulder and cuddled up to me a bit, making my heart beat in a way that I hoped he wouldn’t notice.

As we watched the movie, I soon realized that Noel was never really scared in horror movies, just occasionally disgusted.

“No no no I am not looking at that,” he cringed, covering his eyes and shaking his head.

“Now you are scared?” I asked, and he once again shook his head.

“It’s just gross, watching people get impaled. I can barely watch the trap scenes in “Home Alone.”

“What’s “Home Alone?” I asked, and Noel answered simply.

“It’s a Christmas movie, this kid gets left home alone by his parents and has to take care of himself. Also he almost kills two burglars.”

“We could watch it at some point near Christmas then,” I offered and Noel shuddered.

“Sure, but I’m doing this at the scene with the nail,” he said, covering his eyes.

I didn’t need to ask what that was, I assumed it was simply someone getting impaled, which sounded very painful.

By the time we’d finished the movie, it was pretty late. I guess I hadn’t realized how long watching it would take. Noel turned to me and asked me a question that quite surprised me, to the point that my face was likely pretty red.

“Hey Mischa?” he asked, doing that nervous smile he sometimes did that I thought was adorable, “could I maybe.. stay over tonight?”

I knew my cheeks were certainly warm after that, but I tried my best to ignore it and just smiled.
“S-sure!” I nodded.
Noel smiled up at me and I felt my heart beat a little faster

I was a little disappointed when we had to get up and stop cuddling to find Noel some clothes to wear to sleep, but I soon found him a sweater and sweatpants that would’ve kept him warm.

“Thanks Misch,” he smiled softly.

“You’re welcome,” I nodded, trying to ignore how flushed my face was at the idea of Noel wearing my clothes.

I waited on the bed for Noel, struggling to believe that the events of that night were real. No matter how many times I pinched myself however, I still saw Noel walk out of the bathroom with my clothes on, and as usual, he looked better in them.

“Woah..” I muttered under my breath subconsciously.

Noel smiled at me, and I blushed after realizing what I’d just said. I hoped that he didn’t hear and thankfully he didn’t say anything about it, so either he didn’t or he was pretending not to.

He then sat down next to me, his eyes shining but clearly a little tired.
“Do you wanna go to sleep now or later?” he asked softly.

“Now probably,” I said, “if that’s ok with you..”

“Don’t worry, it definitely is,” he laughed a little, “I’m tired.”

And with that we both laid down, tired, pretty cold and ready to sleep. That was, until Noel asked another question.

“Could we.. cuddle again?” he asked nervously, an awkward smile on his face.

I nodded, incredibly flustered still, and he placed his head almost on my chest, cuddling up to me once again.

As I tried to go to sleep, I couldn’t help but focus on the feeling and warmth of Noel’s body against mine. But what I especially couldn’t get over was how adorable he was sleeping on my chest. He nuzzled up to me in his sleep, his eyelashes occasionally fluttered and he smiled softly in a way that made my heart feel warm. But the cutest thing of all was when I heard him softly whisper a certain name.

“Misch,” he murmured, his smile widening a little as he said it.

I felt myself blush at that, but I wasn’t awake for much longer to overthink it. Soon enough, I found myself barely able to keep my eyes open, and I drifted into sleep.