Chapter Text
Episode 1: Let's get a Girlfriend!
"Morioh. A town located in S City, which is in Japan. It's not a large town by Japanese standards, but still manages to be home to near 60,000 people! It's in this town that I and all my pals live...well, my pal Mikitaka says he's from the Magellanic Clouds, wherever that is, but as for the rest of us it's somewhere we've always lived. My name's Josuke Higashikata by the way, and I'm a Stand user! You wanna know more about Morioh and some of the other Stand users who live here huh? Well I guess you've come to the right place! But what's a good story to tell to start off? Hmmmmmm...oh! I think I got one! This happened a few weeks ago to one of my best buddies, Okuyasu!"
(Trattoria Trussardi - Italian Restaurant)
"OI Josuke! Y'know what's whack?" Okuyasu blurted out as he twirled pasta around his fork, "We're cool guys, right? Tall, cool, all buff n' stuff, but we're sitting on the sidelines by ourselves while Koichi blows us off to hang out with his girlfriend!".
Josuke sipped his coffee, "What are you trying to say? That you aren't happy Koichi gets ladies and you don't? C'mon man, Koichi's a reliable guy. Besides, it's not like Yukako would just let him abandon her to mess around with us everyday".
Okuyasu rolled his eyes, "IT'S NOT JUST ME! I DON'T SEE YOU HANGING AROUND WITH CHICKS EITHER!" he scoffed, "Look all I'm saying is that sometimes I wish we could have a little success with the ladies instead of having to put up with the guy who's got NOTHING on his us getting with a cute yandere chick, y'know?".
Josuke laughed, "If you really want a girl, why not call up Yuya? Dude has three girls at once and is basically the CEO of Rizz, I'm sure he'd give you some advice". Though Josuke wasn't being serious with his statement at all, he often forgot that Okuyasu isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Processing what he'd heard, Okuyasu smirked and stood up from the table (after finishing his food quickly).
"ALRIGHT, I'LL DO IT! JUST YOU WATCH JOSUKE, 'CUZ BEFORE YOU KNOW IT I'LL BE OKUYASU NIJIMURA THE LADY WHISPERER!" he declared with gusto, putting on his jacket and running out the door leaving Josuke alone at the table. Tonio poked his head around the kitchen door, "Mamma Mia, was the food not to Signore Nijimura's liking?" he asked with confusion.
Josuke shook his head, "Nah, he's just having girl troubles. I doubt he'll have any success if he does what he always does and run in head first".
(St. Gentlemen - Sandwich Shop)
"Hmm" Yuya mused, stroking his chin as his eyes scanned the shelves of different snacks, "Man, my stomach really can't make up it's mind on what it wants today...maybe a toasted chicken & butter?". A loud bang was heard near the entrance of the store, causing brief shock to Yuya and other customers inside. Turning around to see what the noise was, Yuya was quite surprised seeing Okuyasu use The Hand to scrape his way inside instead of just using the automatic sliding door. "What the hell?" Yuya muttered in confusion.
"YUYA! YUYA FUNGAMI MAN! I NEED YOUR HELP WITH SOMETHING, IT'S IMPORTANT!" Okuyasu yelled, running towards Yuya and shaking his shoulders.
"What? WHAT IS IT?" Yuya shouted, now heavily concerned, "Is there any enemy Stand user? Did someone scratch my bike? IS THERE SOMETHING ON MY FACE?!".
"NO! EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT!" Okuyasu exclaimed, suddenly dropping to one knee and making Yuya stumble back. Now believing there to be serious danger, Yuya instinctively brought out Highway Star and began looking around frantically. "Yuya! I...I...".
"What is it Okuyasu? TALK ME TO ME!" Yuya yelled, bending down and placing a hand on his shoulder. Okuyasu looked up with a serious expression on his face, a slight tear in one of his eyes before finally saying, "I need a girlfriend, can you help?".
"U-Uh...what?" Yuya responded. "You heard me" said Okuyasu, "You're a God when it comes to women, you have THREE WHOLE LADIES at once and I don't have any, so I need your wisdom so that I can rub it in Koichi and Josuke's faces".
Yuya blinked and then shook his head, "I'm sorry but I gotta ask again...what?".
{A lot of explaining and exposition from Okuyasu later}
"Heh, so you're struggling with chicks and wanted advice from The Rizzler himself eh?" Yuya chuckled in triumph, leaning against the wall outside the store and taking a bite of his sub sandwich. "Correct" Okuyasu replied with a nod. Yuya shrugged, "Well it's not like I got anything better to do since my girls are off taking care of some business for me in the city, so sure, I'll teach you my ways" he smirked. Okuyasu punched the air, "YEAH BABY!".
(Yuya Fungami's House)
Using Yuya's motorcycle, the two guys hot tailed it over to Yuya's home where the wisdom could be dispersed. Along the way they also came across some others who were in the need of advice on talking to females. Sensing a potential opportunity for a laugh and a stroke to his ego, Yuya happily invited them along (though it notably took a long time to fit everyone onto his motorcycle).
Writing on a whiteboard, Yuya pointed at the pictures he'd drawn, "Okay, this is a woman".
"Dear God" Hazamada growled in disgust and fear. "Hang on a second man, there's more" Yuya replied. "No" spat Hazamada.
"To start off" Yuya began, "Let's say you see a smokin' hot girl, whaddaya do?".
"OOH! OHH! HIT HER TO SHOW I'M INTERESTED!" Okuyasu called out, excitedly raising his hand. "Spend your week's pay on fancy jewellery so you can buy her affection?" suggested Akira with a confident smirk. "I GOT IT! COMISSION HENTAI ABOUT YOU AND HER THAT ENDS WITH GREAT CLIMAX!" Hazamada exclaimed.
Yuya face palmed and dragged a hand down his face, "No/Not a bad idea but not a good one either/I fear for ladies all around the world if that's how you hit on 'em" he said bluntly as he addressed each of the guy's ideas, "The first thing you should do when you see a good looking squeeze is play it cool. Kinda saunter over and try to look casual n' cool, y'know what I mean?" he explained.
Akira raised a hand, "Would telling girls I'm a professional guitarist be a good starter?". Yuya smiled, "Yes! Good! That's a great conversation starter man! The ladies dig musicians big time!". "Heh, cool" Akira said to himself as he leaned back on the couch.
"What about having a collection of over three thousand manga volumes? Girls are into that right?" Asked Hazamada, "And if they aren't then I educate them and tell them how stupid they are!". Yuya sighed, "No dude, just no, the ladies don't like that shit". "Don't call One Piece shit you dumb biker!" Hazamada yelled.
Okuyasu pulled the manga enthusiast back down onto the couch, "Easy little guy, listen to the dumb biker before you shout at him". "Not the best way to put it, but thanks Okuyasu" Yuya sighed, "Alright, let's try out something, an exercise to see how you guys handle basic interactions. Okuyasu, stand up and come over here. I'm gonna the woman, you'll be the guy. Try and ask me out" he explained.
Okuyasu thought for a moment, "Uhhhhhh...what should I say?". "Just whatever comes to your head that you think would be good for picking someone up" said Yuya. Okuyasu's eyes lit up as an idea came to his head. He cleared his throat and put on a serious face, "Hey there baby, check it out, we both got buckets of chicken, wanna do it?".
Yuya slapped him across the face, "IDIOT! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT!". "GAH! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?" Okuyasu shouted in annoyance. "I'm not one of your fried chicken tramps, I'm a proud, classy and beautiful woman! I like my men strapping, dangerous, gentlemanly, mysterious! You wanna be my lover? EARN IT. SECUDE ME!" Yuya yelled in response, explaining the set up.
Akira was next to stand up, "I'll take a crack at it, they call me the Woman Whisperer you know" he grinned as Okuyasu sat down in frustration. "Remember what I said dude" Yuya snapped. Akira rolled his eyes, "Relax babe, I got this".
Akira gave a handsome smile and looked Yuya up and down, before looking into his eyes and giving a wink, "Heeeeeey, how you doin'?". Yuya cleared his throat and put on a voice that sounded like a woman, "I'm doing juuuuuuust fine. Say, that's a mighty fine guitar you got there". "Heh, oh this? Yeah, it's one of my prized possessions, I'm a professional guitarist you know? Maybe I ain't the biggest thing around yet, but believe me I'm going places! One day I'll be the next Jeff Beck or Jimi Hendrix!" he explained, attempting to look cool and sound casual without bragging, "I could show you some of my tunes sometime if you gave your number, we could grab some drinks and head back to my place for a little rock n' roll, if you know what I mean" he smirked while raising an eyebrow.
Yuya nodded, stopping his female voice, "Okay...see now that's what the FUCK I AM TALKING ABOUT!" he screamed as he slapped Akira on the back, "Five outta five stars dude! Seriously, if I were an actual chick you'd be getting some bed action tonight". The two shared a high-five as Akira sat down and Hazamada stood up.
Clearing his throat, Hazamada puffed out his chest to seem more important, "Hey hey hey, you're really sexy- OW!" he yelped as Yuya smacked him upside the head. "WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU MAN?! I'M A CLASSY LADY! SEDUCE ME!". "I'M TRRRRRRRYYYYYYIIIIIINNNNNNNG!" Hazamada whined.
Okuyasu scoffed, "Ah this is just a waste of time, I say we go out on the streets and pick up some real girls! It don't matter if she's ugly or whatever, I just need something that I can use to prove to Josuke and Koichi that I'm a stud!" he exclaimed. "Tch, that's really your plan? How pathetic" Hazamada spat.
"Pfft, fine! Let's head into town and see how well your skills have developed" replied Yuya, rolling his eyes, "Y'know I put good money on Akira being the only one to pull tonight".
(Morioh - Shopping District)
"Alright my boys, Kame-Yu Mall is a major untapped reservoir for hotties. All you gotta do to pass my teachings is just get ONE girl to give you their number" Yuya explained, "I ain't gonna help you out, so it's on YOU if you get slapped or attacked by security...looking at you Hazamada". Hazamada rolled his eyes, "Shut up! I'll get one, just you watch!". "There's one over by the fountain!" Okuyasu exclaimed, pointing in the direction of the fountain where a top heavy goth girl was sitting with a sketchpad.
Hazamada rubbed his hands together, put was pushed out of the way by Akira, who made himself look presentable before following Yuya's advice of playing it cool and casual. He cleared his throat once she noticed him, doing his usual thing of looking her up and down, "Heeeeeey, how you doin'? Y'know I couldn't help but notice you from all the way over there, you're dynamite looks really made me short circuit" he mused smoothly. The girl laughed, "Bet you say that to everything that moves, right?". "Heh, nope! Only to absolutely stunning babes, of which you're the only one who's ever gotten the honour" Akira smirked, making the girl laugh once again, as well as blush.
"Say, you must be into rock n' roll right? Would be banging if you are, 'cuz I'm a professional guitarist" boasted Akira, impressing the girl, "I also happen to be a licensed titty inspector, just in case you were wondering and hadn't got your tits inspected yet". She blushed again and stood up, tugging on his sleeve and pulling him towards the bathrooms where Yuya, Hazamada and Okuyasu were standing while acting like general delinquents. The three dudes watched in awe as the goth dragged Akira into the disabled bathroom. Curious, they quickly jumped over and pressed their ears against the door to hear what was going on.
{Bathroom}
"Alrighty, I suppose I could get started but uh...there's the matter of your shirt Madame. May I?". Akira removed her shirt and chuckled, "Woah...nice tits. Yep, goth girls never disappoint, the piercing is the icing on the cake y'know? Lemme give 'em a squeeze for...uh...ya know, science" he explained, "Huh, feels like you've had some work done...interesting, these are some pretty solid bazongas. I rate 'em...8.5 outta 10. Oh yeah, Otoishi approves".
{Outside the Bathroom}
"This guy is a fucking prodigy" Yuya said in amazement. "I wanna be him" added Okuyasu. "If I only I had his confidence" agreed Hazamada.
The lock on the door suddenly turned from red to green as the three scrambled away to avoid being seen. Akira strutted out with one arm over the girl's shoulder and the other in his pocket. She kissed his cheek and wrote down her number, putting it into his butt pocket, "Call me sometime Akira, if you wanna get a license in rating something else" she winked as she walked off.
"I owe you a drink man, hands down that was incredible!" Okuyasu cheered, slapping the guitarist on the back. Akira shrugged, "What can I say? The ladies love me" he beamed. "Manga Nerd, you're up. Go score with that chick over there" Yuya ordered, pointing at an incredibly tall woman who was checking her phone. Hazamada gulped, "Aw geez, I-I dunno guys, she's a little...uh...tall". "Go get 'em champ" said Okuyasu as he slapped the short incel on the back, sending Hazamada stumbling out in the open.
"Tch, what am I doing? I'm Toshikazu Hazamada! I'm not scared of anything!...e-except for Mr Kujo, that's one scary guy" he thought to himself as he approached. He walked over and tugged on her skirt, "Are you a door? Like a really tall door? Because I wanna bang you closed and then open you up all night long" he said, putting on a smug face while trying to be charming.
"I can't hear anything, how do you think it's going?" asked Okuyasu. "I'm sure he's doing juuuuuust fine" replied Yuya, as Hazamada received a mighty slap to the face that could be heard from space. The three guys winced as Hazamada lay dazed and surprised on the floor. Yuya scratched his chin, "So that's one major success and one major failure, Okuyasu man go tip the scales in our favour". Okuyasu saluted, "Yes Biker Rizzler Sir!".
Okuyasu scratched his head as he looked around the mall, unsure of what to do or where to go. There was people all around going about their business and daily lives. He turned around to look at Yuya, "WHO SHOULD I TALK TO?" he called out. "ANYONE MAN, JUST HOOK UP WITH A FUCKING FEMALE ALREADY!".
Noticing a woman he thought looked cute, Okuyasu straightened what little hair he had, sucked in his gut to appear slimmer and taller and tried his best to casually go over. He wasn't exactly sure how to initiate the interaction, and so decided to just hang around until she noticed him. It didn't take long before she looked up from her magazine, "Sorry, can I help with you something?". "I dunno...can you?" he asked.
She raised one of her eyebrows, "Excuse me? Is there something you need from me?". Okuyasu shrugged, "Is there something I should need from you?". The woman sighed and flipped her pink hair out of her face, "Maybe you have some sort of mental issue, but it's none of my concern. Can't you see I'm just waiting for someone?". "Is that person me?" Okuyasu asked, "Because...well...I'm a cool guy! I got a HUGE mansion, loads of dead brother money, I helped kill a serial killer with a hand fetish, AND I'M FRIENDS WITH A PROFESSIONAL GUITARIST!" he exclaimed, listing off different facts about himself. Yuya, Akira and Hazamada poked their heads out from around a corner to listen in and watch from a distance. Akira smirked, "Nice, playing the 'celebrity friend' card, respect". "Tch, playing outta your parents basement doesn't make you a celebrity man" Hazamada scoffed.
"Hmm, interesting. You say you're rich, have a mansion and you're buddies with a some guitar player?" the woman mused, now slightly more interested, "I'll be honest, I actually want to hear more...buuuuuut I can't right now sooooo...here's my number!" she smiled, writing down a phone number and handing it to the bamboozled idiot. "Yo Trish! C'mon already, Fugo's gonna be pissed if we're late!" yelled a muscular man as he walked over. The woman stood up, winking at Okuyasu and quickly ran over to the man calling for her. "Sorry Mista, I got a little caught up with...uh...that guy" Trish explained.
As the two walked away, Mista leaned in close to her ear, "Did you seriously give your number to that doofus?" he whispered. Trish smirked, "Pfft, nah, I just gave him Fugo's number. What's he gonna do about it?". "Heh, nice" Mista grinned as the two shared a fist bump.
While they left, Okuyasu returned to the group of guys who had been watching in anticipation the entire time. "W-Well?! How'd you do?!" Hazamada asked rapidly, biting his lip.
Okuyasu sighed deeply, giving off the impression that his mission had failed, causing the others to hang their heads in defeat. This was cut short however, as Okuyasu suddenly blurted out, "I GOT HER NUMBER BROS!". Akira, Yuya and Hazamada all cheered, tossing him to into the air while whooping for him. "SEE! I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT MAN!" Hazamada exclaimed. "Bruh you've done nothing but spend the entire day saying we would fail while you would come out with a sea of ladies" Yuya snarked.
"Gentlemen, I believe this calls for...booze!" Akira declared, "We'll go get sloshed to celebrate the victory of Okuyasu and myself, and to thank Yuya for teaching us his ways". "If anything you showed us more than this guy did" replied Okuyasu, pointing at Yuya. Akira put his hands up, "Regardless of who helped who, we can all agree that Hazamada did absolutely fuck all, right?". "Agreed" Okuyasu and Yuya both nodded simultaneously, while Hazamada seethed in annoyance. Akira clapped his hands and rubbed them together with a mischievous grin, "TO THE BAR!".
(Later that Day)
"Geez, sounds like a classic Okuyasu moment" Koichi sighed as he and Josuke sat crouched outside the former entrance to Reimi's ghost alley. "You know him, dude can be so stubborn sometimes, makes me wonder how he hasn't gotten himself killed yet" joked Josuke. Koichi gasped, "Don't say that kinda stuff Josuke! What if something really happened?!". "Relax man, I was only kidding. You know I got a lotta respect for Okuyasu, especially after all the stuff we've been through together. I just worry for the guy sometimes, that's all. He really needs to learn how to use his head, maybe we could ask Rohan to try and make him smarter" Josuke explained.
A rumbling was heard in the distance as a motorcycle came speeding down the road, skidding to a stop right next to the convenience store and kicking up loads of dust. The smell of burning rubber lingered in the air as Josuke and Koichi coughed while swatting away the smoke. "Okuyasu my guy! Same time next week?" Yuya smirked, revving the engine loudly. "Heh, you bet broski!" Okuyasu grinned, giving Yuya, Hazamada and Akira a thumbs up as they reorganized themselves on Yuya's motorcycle. "Cya man, remember what I taught you!" rasped Akira as he took a swig of the beer can he was holding. "Later man!" Yuya called out as he took off on his bike with Hazamada and Akira drunkenly singing "We Are!" from One Piece.
"Whew, what a day!" Okuyasu smiled, crouching down next to a baffled Josuke and Koichi, "So what's going on with you guys?".
Josuke was confused beyond belief, "What the fuck happened to you man, you stormed outta Tonio's three days ago and went radio silent!".
"Oh y'know, was just out getting with women like I told you I would" bragged Okuyasu.
"You were chatting up girls with Hazamada, Yuya and Akira? Seriously?" asked Koichi in disbelief, "N-Not that they're bad guys, b-but...well...y-y'know".
Okuyasu shook his head, "Nahhh that Akira guy is a master at girl whispering, he even helped me get a hot chick's number!".
Josuke was impressed, "Oh really? What'd she look like hmm? Was she good?". Okuyasu nodded with a big grin on his face, "She was kinda tall, not taller than me but still tall, had pink hair and her name was Trish! We were probably gonna make out or something but her brother showed up".
Upon hearing the name 'Trish', Koichi began to think as a thought entered his head. "Hmm, Trish...why do I feel like I know that name?" he said out loud, "Say, what was her brother's name?".
Okuyasu tapped his chin, "I think his name was 'Mista' or 'Monty' or something like that".
Koichi clicked his fingers, "That's it! I helped out a guy named Giorno Giovanna a year or two ago in Italy, from what I heard he ended up joining the Italian mafia and tasked with protecting that girl Trish! In fact, I think that guy Giorno is now the one running the mafia in Italy!". Josuke laughed, "Oh boy! You better watch your back buddy, or you could get taken out when you least expect it!" he exclaimed, slapping Okuyasu's back.
Okuyasu bit his lip nervously, "You don't think that'd happen, do you Josuke? I mean c'mon, I was a gentleman! I was cool! I was casual! All the guys said so!". "Why don't you try calling her?" Koichi suggested, "I'm sure she'd be happy to chat if she gave you her number!". Okuyasu slammed a fist into his hand, "YOU'RE RIGHT! WATCH ME, I'LL DO IT!" he boasted.
Dialling the number, the three huddled around the phone as it rang. After a minute, a voice answered, but it wasn't that of a woman. "Hello? This is Pannacotta Fugo, state your name and purpose for calling please".
"Uh...hello?" said Okuyasu in confusion, "I'm calling for Trish, is...uh...is she home?". "Trish? I'm sorry, but I think you've got the wrong number...who is this?". "Name's Okuyasu Nijimura! I live in Morioh!" Okuyasu explained.
The line went quiet for a moment, as muttering was heard on the other side of the phone through multiple voices. Eventually all they could hear was Fugo screaming, "YOU'RE THE REASON MY PHONE HAS BEEN BLOWING UP WITH FUCKING DICK PICS ALL WEEKENED?! YOU MOTHER FUC-". The line suddenly went dead, with silence hovering over the group before Josuke and Koichi burst out laughing in absolute hysterics.
Okuyasu sniffed, wiping away a tear from his eye, "Man...why don't girls like me man?!" he cried, shaking Josuke's shoulders. "W-o-a-h! R-Relax man, you'll find someone one day!" Josuke stammered as he was pushed back and forth.
As Okuyasu cried and continued making Josuke experience the force of an earthquake, Koichi noticed a pair of shadows appearing behind him. Standing up and turning around, he was surprised to see Yukako and a strange blonde girl that he'd never seen before. "Afternoon Koichi! I hope I'm not interrupting something" Yukako smiled, tilting her head while using Love Deluxe to embrace him in a tight hug. Koichi coughed, "N-No! N-Not *cough* at a-all!".
Sensing she was probably hurting him, Yukako quickly put him down. "Thank you, I was starting to lose circulation" Koichi chuckled, "Who's your friend?". The blonde girl smiled and waved, "Hi there! My name is Ashley!...u-um...I heard from Yukako that you might know where to find Okuyasu Nijimura?" she asked quietly, kneeling down to Koichi's level.
Koichi gulped, glancing back to see Josuke cradling the crying Okuyasu in his and Crazy Diamond's arms. "There's plenty more fish in the sea, you're a great guy!" Josuke assured him. "Tch, a GREAT guy that got a FAKE number!" Okuyasu wailed, burying his face into Josuke's burly chest. "Okuyasu? H-He's the guy crying into Josuke's shirt, he uh...just received some bad news" Koichi explained awkwardly. Ashley looked over Koichi's shoulder, chuckling to herself under her breath and walking over to the two boys and crouching down next to them.
She tugged on Okuyasu's shirt, making him raise his head and turn around, experiencing some slight shock when he noticed her. "Hey Okuyasu!" she smiled. Okuyasu wiped the tears from his eyes with Josuke's jacket, much to Josuke's annoyance. "H-Hey there...u-uhhhhh...sugar mama?" Okuyasu replied, once again failing to flirt.
Josuke, Koichi and Yukako expected her to be weirded out by this, but surprisingly Ashley laughed and offered her hand. Unsure, Okuyasu slowly took it. "If you aren't busy, you wanna go grab some dinner? I hear there's a super good Italian place that heals people by the graveyard!" Ashley exclaimed with a grin. Okuyasu gave a weak smile, as the two stood up. He didn't say yes or no, but the fact he smiled back with a nod and continued holding her hand was enough.
"Heh, looks like he finally got his girl" Josuke smirked, taking off his jacket which was now covered in tears. Koichi looked at Yukako, "Who's that Ashley girl? Is she a friend of yours?". Yukako giggled and leaned down towards him, "She was in our classes during high school, apparantely she was super into Okuyasu for years but never had the courage to ask him out until today".
Josuke smiled as he watched his best pal and his date walk off down the road towards Tonio's restaurant. "Hmph, well that's just great" he smirked.
<To Be Continued>