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Nervous isn’t enough of a word to describe how Heeseung is feeling right now. He rubs his sweaty hands together, thinking about what he is about to do in one of the backrooms.
Heeseung and his members have just finished their second concert at the Tokyo Dome, successfully wrapping up the Japan leg of their Fate World Tour. It’s a major milestone, one he’s sure they’ll remember forever. This alone is enough to get Heeseung all jittery, the concert adrenaline not yet faded.
Maybe that’s the reason Heeseung was brave enough to approach Sunoo after saying goodbye to their fans and stepping off stage.
“Sunoo!” Heeseung calls out the petite boy, who turns to him with surprise coloring his expression. ‘Well, it’s now or never, Lee Heeseung. Don’t be a coward,’ Heeseung pep talks to himself. He’s been chickening out for too long, this time he’d take action.
“Heeseung-hyung? What is it?” Sunoo asks, halting his steps to give his full attention to Heeseung.
Okay, this is it.
“Sunoo-ya, I was thinking about filming EN-note now, while the feelings are still fresh in my mind,” Heeseung starts, taking a breath before continuing. “I was wondering if you wanted to film it with me?” he invites, trying his best to look at Sunoo’s piercing eyes and convey his sincerity.
Said eyes widen as soon as he listens to the question. Heeseung can’t really blame him, though. For the past months, he put some distance between him and Sunoo. Feelings were something Heeseung always had a hard time dealing with, never mind romantic ones.
Truth is, Heeseung has been harboring a crush on Sunoo since their days in I-Land, but he never had the guts to act upon those feelings. It’s been almost three years since then and, although he hoped his feelings would eventually fade away, they just got stronger than ever with each passing day.
This rendered him awkward every time he was close to Sunoo. They are so different. Where Sunoo is outspoken, Heeseung is quiet. While Sunoo is bold and doesn’t shy away from his emotions, Heeseung is a coward and locks himself inside his head too often. And Sunoo did try to ease him into being more comfortable, but Heeseung was a lost cause. Eventually, Sunoo figured he should leave Heeseung to his own devices and stopped interacting as much. He didn’t turn cold towards him, not at all, but he made sure to give Heeseung his space, all the while still caring for him in his own way.
One of the reasons Heeseung fell for him in the first place. Sunoo is just so considerate and even if it’s something he wants, he’ll put others’ feelings first, while making sure to let them know that he’ll be there if they ever need him.
Heeseung wants things to be different from now on. He wouldn’t run away anymore, he’ll be brave and face both his emotions and the boy who stole his heart.
So, he is really hoping Sunoo will agree.
Which he hasn’t yet and Heeseung is starting to get nervous.
He’s about to break their eye contact in embarrassment when Sunoo smiles warmly at him, the type of smile that reaches his eyes and turns them into half-crescents. The most beautiful smile, in Heeseung’s opinion.
“Sure hyung, I’d love to,” Sunoo replies, still smiling. “Let me just wash up and then we can film it. I feel really gross right now,” he finishes, laughing casually.
Which brings Heeseung back to the present, where he has also washed up and changed into more comfortable clothes. The staff is setting up the camera and lighting for their upcoming filming while he’s sitting by himself on the couch, fiddling with his phone to disguise his nervousness. Sunoo hasn’t even shown up yet and he’s already a mess.
What if Sunoo didn’t show up? Heeseung would feel even more embarrassed.
But no, Sunoo wouldn’t do that. He takes their job very seriously and he was keen on not wasting anybody’s time, no matter who they are. In this case, both Heeseung and the staff.
As if on cue, the door to the backroom opens and Sunoo walks in, politely greeting the staff with a short bow of his head and a gentle smile. He spots Heeseung at the couch and walks over, sitting next to him with a greeting.
The staff gets busy with checking their makeup and making final adjustments to the equipment, making sure they’re all set to start filming. Once they’re done, they get to their positions behind the camera, looking at Heeseung and Sunoo, signaling a countdown with their fingers.
Sunoo must have noticed that Heeseung was somewhat nervous, glancing his way and throwing him a quick, reassuring smile.
Heeseung takes a deep breath and accepts the camera from the staff. No need to feel nervous, this is okay, he thought to himself.
“Yes,” he started, followed by a happy “wow” by a clapping Sunoo.
He could do this.
“Engene, we just wrapped up our first Tokyo Dome tour show,” Heeseung resumed. Looking to the camera, he sees Sunoo rearranging his position on the couch.
“Thank you so much for coming and supporting us, Engene! It really means a lot to us,” Sunoo chimes in, bright smile forever etched in his face. Heeseung can’t help but smile, too.
“Everyone filmed their videos while in their hotel rooms, but I wanted to do it as soon as the concert ended,” Heeseung explains, turning to face Sunoo. “Because the feelings are still fresh on my mind.”
Sunoo nods in approval, clasping his hands together. “So Heeseung-hyung asked if I wanted to film it with him and of course I said yes!” Sunoo adds, in turn making Heeseung go red in the face. He didn’t expect Sunoo to provide this piece of information.
The filming resumes with both of them speaking of their experience during the last concert shows. Sunoo diligently listens while Heeseung is talking, maintaining his gaze on the camera at all times. He doesn’t interrupt, throwing his two cents when prompted by Heeseung. When he finishes talking, Heeseung stares a little too long at Sunoo in the camera.
“Your skin is so fair,” he blurts out, surprising both Sunoo and himself by the sudden comment. Even so, Sunoo laughs and his face is pleased, crescent eyes turning to Heeseung while thanking him. “You look so fair in the camera,” Heeseung continues, against his best judgement.
Where are these comments coming from?
“Thank you, hyung,” Sunoo replies. His smile is so genuine that Heeseung has a hard time remembering how to breathe. But he keeps his cool in front of the camera. That’s something he’s used to.
When it’s Sunoo’s turn to speak, he does so in an exciting manner. One could tell he is tired, but he still got so much energy whenever it involved doing something for Engenes.
Heeseung can’t help but be enamored by him, by the way he’s excited when he talks or by how his eyes sparkle whenever he’s sharing something about himself.
Like right now, talking about the different highlights he got to use on his hair during the Japan concerts. Sunoo gushes about how he liked wearing them and Heeseung couldn’t help but add his thoughts about it, too.
“They really suit you. They complemented your looks very well,” Heeseung said, smiling at the boy by his side. Sunoo gets caught off guard by the comment, turning to Heeseung with his characteristic goldfish face. Personally, Heeseung loves when he does that face, since it makes him even cuter.
Still on a roll, Heeseung continues. “It’s because your hair is very straight, right?”
“Yes, it’s very straight,” Sunoo nods and picks a strand of his fringe, showing it to the camera.
Satisfied, Heeseung concludes, “It feels like the colors show even better.”
They talk some more about their latest concert and about the projects Engenes did for them. The hand banners were one of the highlights, but both of them elected the Blossom encore sung by Engenes as the most memorable moment.
“It was really beautiful and got us so emotional, right hyung?” Sunoo asks. Once again, he turns to Heeseung, putting a hand on his arm. If Heeseung got goosebumps wherever Sunoo touched him, that’s his problem only.
“It was,” Heeseung replies. “I’m so thankful to have Engenes supporting us. They’re the reason we’re able to live our dreams,” he finishes. Sunoo claps in approval, agreeing with everything Heeseung said.
It was then that Heeseung notices Sunoo’s outfit and gets confused. Sure, the outfit in question isn’t flashy or anything, but it also isn’t the casual fit Sunoo would wear after concerts. Isn’t he going to rest like Heeseung and the other members?
“Where are you going? Are you going out?” Heeseung inquires, against his mind’s best judgement. Sunoo doesn’t miss a beat and replies easily.
“Yes, I’m going to eat out!” he replies, excited like a child with their favorite candy.
Heeseung should be happy his dongsaeng is going to enjoy their stay in Japan, but in reality he has mixed feelings about it. He looks away from Sunoo and back to the camera. “Yeah, he’s going out,” he smiles, trying to play it cool once again, although he feels he wasn’t as successful this time.
Sunoo sees Heeseung smiling awkwardly to the camera and smiles as well, this one big enough for him to cover his mouth with his hand. In a typical, very Sunoo fashion.
“I’m going out to eat…” he trails off, between little, cute giggles that only Sunoo is capable of. Heeseung is honest when he says it lifts his spirit up a little. But still…
“I’m going back to the hotel to watch YouTube videos but he’s going out,” Heeseung says, still trying to be nonchalant about it. This time, Sunoo openly laughs at Heeseung’s antics. Did he sound sulky?
“My friends are here,” Sunoo adds, as to give context. Heeseung has a feeling that it’s not directed at whoever is watching on the other end of the screen, but actually at him.
And Heeseung tries. He really does.
But he’s sure his face betrays him when he turns to look at Sunoo at the mention of his “friends”. It barely lasts for a second but Sunoo seems to catch up to it, judging by his bashful demeanor.
“I’m jealous,” Heeseung blurts out, looking back at the camera. He’s supposed to keep that to himself but honestly, who cares anymore. He smirks, trying to put on a relaxed façade. He hopes he’s being convincing. “I’ll be going back to the hotel,” he finishes.
He’s not sure what Sunoo’s intentions are when he sways his hands in negative. “No, no,” he says, still waving his hands, a shy smile on his face. No no what, Heeseung wonders.
Noticing the awkwardness settling in between them, Heeseung quickly wraps up their recording.
“Engenes, thank you once again for all the love and support you’ve been showing us. We’ll treasure these memories forever,” Heeseung says, his smile more genuine now. “Right, Sunoo?”
Relieved to divert the attention from himself, Sunoo happily agrees. “Of course! I’ll always be thankful to have such loving fans. I hope we keep seeing each other at concerts like this for many years to come!”
They both say their goodbyes to the camera and soon enough, the recording ends.
The staff is fast to pack up, going around the room and collecting all the tools used for the recording. They congratulate both Heeseung and Sunoo before bidding their goodbyes. Not even five minutes later, the boys are left alone in the room.
Heeseung isn’t sure how to feel. He knows that Sunoo has many friends, that a lot of people seek his company. Who can blame them? Sunoo is awesome to be around, he’s a great friend. But still, thinking of him not returning to the hotel with him after this long concert… it leaves a bitter taste in Heeseung’s mouth.
Sunoo notices he’s a little awkward and crestfallen after the cameras turned off. He moves closer to Heeseung at the couch.
“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Sunoo asks, a worried look on his face. He knows Heeseung is tired after the concert, but he’s sure there’s something more to it.
Heeseung looks everywhere but Sunoo, nervously playing with his fingers, his lips pursing and a slight frown shows up on his face. After some moments of silence, he answers Sunoo with a question of his own.
“Are you coming home late?” Heeseung finally asks.
Sunoo lets out a low, quiet laugh. “Home? Hyung, we’re abroad. But I don’t know when I’ll be coming back,” he answers. Why did it matter to Heeseung?
“But you’re coming back, right?” Heeseung presses on, looking at Sunoo with big, expectant eyes.
Sunoo couldn’t help but find him endearing. His oldest hyung could be so cute sometimes. “Yeah, I guess I am,” he replies, smiling at Heeseung with fondness.
Heeseung sighs in relief at his reply. Good. It’s good that Sunoo won’t spend the night elsewhere. He knows that Sunoo is a grown man, but the thought of him with anyone else during the night unsettles Heeseung.
His thoughts are interrupted by Sunoo’s soft laugh. When he looks up at the younger, he’s met with smiling, half-crescent eyes.
…Heeseung adores Sunoo so much.
“Were you worried, hyung? It’s just Jaebeom, you know him,” Sunoo supplies. That doesn’t ease Heeseung at all. Don’t get him wrong, Heeseung knows Jaebeom is a good guy, ever since I-Land he has been a close friend to Sunoo. And that’s exactly why Heeseung’s jealousy gets the best of him.
“Just Jaebeom, yeah…” he trails off bitterly, looking away again. Never before had he wanted to be in someone else’s place so much.
His sulking is interrupted once again by Sunoo carefully cradling Heeseung’s chin with his fingers. Sunoo slowly turns Heeseung’s face to him, and he has no other choice than to face the sunshine. His sunshine.
If regrets could kill, Heeseung is sure that not being brave enough to ask Sunoo out would be what killed him. But there’s no use dwelling on “what ifs”, now. What he could do, however, was cherish the feeling of soft fingers on his face and pretty lips stretched into a small smile, eyes that hold galaxies looking back at him.
Eyes that bore at Heeseung, searching for something. Heeseung isn’t sure what, exactly. What he knows is that maintaining eye contact with Sunoo is hard, but he has no choice. Heeseung is nothing more than the moth to Sunoo’s flame. Always longing, always following but never getting closer enough, in fear of burning. Burning like the touch of fingers on his chin, burning like the feeling on his reddening cheeks.
Sunoo examines Heeseung’s face some more, his eyes twinkling when he notices his hyung is blushing.
“Heeseung-hyung,” Sunoo starts slowly, rubbing a finger on Heeseung’s chin, “are you jealous that I’m going out when you are not, or are you jealous of Jaebeom?” he finishes, asking a question that made Heeseung widen his eyes and suck his breath in, how easily has Sunoo read him.
Is he that obvious?
Sunoo keeps looking at him, expecting an answer. Heeseung is finally able to avoid his gaze, but makes no effort to free his face from Sunoo’s grasp. Having no choice but to admit it, Heeseung replies with a quiet, shy “yes”. Then, what follows is silence.
As the silence stretches between them, Heeseung grows more nervous. He’s afraid to look back at Sunoo after admitting he’s jealous, but he’s also curious. He takes whatever remnants of courage he still has and raises his eyes to meet Sunoo’s.
And by the second time that night, his breath is taken away by the blinding smile Sunoo directs at him. Heeseung could get lost forever in Sunoo’s smile and he wouldn’t complain.
“Lee Heeseung, you’re so silly,” Sunoo states, dropping the honorifics but Heeseung doesn’t care. He couldn’t care less about honorifics when there’s an angel smiling at him like this, softly caressing his chin like this. Is this what heaven feels like?
Heeseung’s question is answered seconds later and no, that’s not what heaven feels like. What heaven feels like is having Sunoo pecking him on the lips.
Heeseung is about to die. There’s no other explanation for what is happening right now. Plush, velvet lips are moving against his and he isn’t able to think of anything else but Sunoo.
After the initial shock passes, Heeseung lets himself relax and enjoy the feeling of Sunoo’s lips on his, surrendering to the man he loves but never figured out how to approach.
Sunoo smiles in the kiss, slowly pulling away and moving his fingers from Heeseung’s chin, in favor of cupping his cheek instead. If Heeseung’s face was warm before, he’s sure it’s burning up now. Sunoo once again looks at him with fondness and Heeseung swears he’s about to melt away.
“You don’t need to be jealous, Heeseung-hyung,” says Sunoo, affection dripping from his voice. “Even when you grew distant, even when you would look away from me every time I caught you staring, even when I thought I should move on…” Sunoo trails off, his hand caressing Heeseung’s cheek.
Heeseung waits with bated breath. He’s scared. Even though he knows he shouldn’t be, he can’t help but feel vulnerable.
“Even then, after all this time, there has been nobody but you, hyung” Sunoo finishes, his hand still caressing Heeseung’s cheek, while his eyes are now hesitant. He keeps his smile on, though. Bet on Sunoo to always be the boldest between them.
And in that moment, all the heaviness Heeseung once felt on his heart is lifted. He lets his own smile bloom, beautiful and blinding, in a way that Sunoo can’t help but reciprocate. Maybe he is really silly as Sunoo said. But if being silly means being in love like this, he wouldn’t have it any other way.
Heeseung lifts one his hands to the one Sunoo’s holding on his cheek, while the other goes to the back of Sunoo’s neck. Mustering the courage he never had in the past three years, Heeseung pulls Sunoo closer to him and kisses him in earnest. The feeling is as good as the first time.
Heeseung nuzzles their noses together, pressing his forehead against Sunoo’s. “I’m sorry for being a coward and taking so long,” he starts, caressing squishy cheeks he had only dreamed of touching like this. “I’m sorry Sunoo. I really like you,” he confesses.
He is met with the cutest giggles from Sunoo, who wastes no time in engulfing Heeseung in a tight hug.
“It’s okay, hyung. I really like you too,” Sunoo confesses, too. “I’m really happy right now.”
Heeseung tightens their embrace, thanking the heavens for giving him the opportunity to hold such a beautiful boy.
“I’m happy too Sunoo, you have no idea,” Heeseung laughs. “The only thing that could make me happier right now would be you accepting to go out with me.”
Sunoo squeals and pulls away from Heeseung, a disbelieving smile on his face.
“Oh my God, finally! Yes, hyung! I’ll go out with you! It’s a promise! You can’t back away now! You have to promise me you won’t!” Sunoo rambles in his excitement, hands flailing around and the sound of his laughter filling the room. After he calms down, he takes Heeseung’s hand on his, looking at him with adoration.
This is a dream come true, Heeseung thinks. He won’t let the chance pass him by. Not anymore.
“I won’t, Sunoo. I want you,” he says, reassuring Sunoo. “Let me take you on a date tomorrow? I’ll treat you to that sushi place you’re wanting to go for ages now.”
Sunoo squeals in happiness again, throwing himself on Heeseung, who catches him with no trouble, holding him close.
Heeseung knows that he won’t forget the memories they created during this tour. Especially because from now on, he’ll make sure to keep the most beautiful reminder by his side.