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I'm in the middle of reading an intelligence report when I'm hailed over the com. It's Sevro's private line. I answer immediately. "What's what?"
"Darrow, you gotta come see me, fastlike. We need to talk." He sounds spooked. "I'm in my room."
"I'm on my way," I say, already out the door and sprinting through the Citadel that used to be Octavia's and now belongs to my wife towards Sevro and Victra's quarters.
I earn some confused and worried glances from security and staff as I run through the corridors. I even notice fear in some of the faces as I rush past them, as if they're expecting me to go wild and start swinging at them with my slingBlade. The fact that I keep my razor on my arm at all times probably doesn't help disabuse them of that notion, but I don't feel perfectly safe in my new home yet.
When I reach the Julii-Barca wing, I'm greeted by guards who point me in the right direction. "He's in there, sir," a Grey woman tells me as she salutes me with a raised fist.
I nod my thanks and enter the room, heart racing with worry as several catastrophic scenarios run through my head. It's never a good sign when Sevro is freaking out.
The room I walk into is Sevro and Victra's bedroom, and it smells of sex. Sevro sits on the edge of the bed, wearing underpants and nothing else, slouched with his head in his hands.
I approach him carefully. "Sevro? What's going on?"
He looks up slowly. His eyes are redder than usual, big and wide as he stares at me. Despite the hickeys all over his neck and chest, he looks like a lost little kid.
"Sevro?" I step closer, crouching down before him to look in his eyes. "Brother, what's wrong? Talk to me."
For a moment, it's like he doesn't understand me. Then he shakes his head as if to clear his mind and says, "Victra is pregnant. We're having a kid."
Now it's my turn to stare dumbfounded. "A kid?" I manage eventually.
"A kid," he repeats. Then louder, "We're having a kid."
The gears in my head finally switch from crisis management to normal human interaction. "You're gonna be a dad!"
His ugly face splits into a beautiful if nervous grin. "I'm gonna be a dad!"
"That's amazing!" I stand up, lifting him into a hug and spinning him around the room. "Congratulations, man!" I put him back on the ground and shake out my right arm; it's still not back at full strength. "How long have you known?"
"Victra sent me a holo just now." Of course Victra would inform her husband that they're expecting a baby like this. "She was dealing with some business shit in Hyperion, but she's on her way back here so we can celebrate." His eyes flit toward their messy bed. "Weird, knowing there's a baby inside her now." He shakes the thought off. "Anyway, I started freaking out, stuck here on my own."
"Understandable." I still wake up in the middle of the night freaking out over the fact that I have a son. My duties don’t allow me to spend much time with him, so I steal any moment I can. With my busy schedule, that often means staying up at night to watch Pax sleep. In those quiet moments of wonder, I can't help feeling like every breath my son takes is a miracle, every little sound or move he makes more than I could ever dream of.
And I can't help the questions that always come. How can I keep Pax safe? How do I show him that I love him more than anything else in my life? How do I build a world where he can grow up to follow his dreams without fear?
"Yeah," Sevro sighs, looking like the same questions are running through his head too. "Scary, right?" He takes a deep breath, then releases it sharply through his nose. "Hey, we gotta drink to the little one's health."
"Absolutely," I agree even though I have several meetings later today and I need to keep my mind sharp.
Sevro leaves the room and soon returns with a bottle of aged whiskey that costs more than a new corvette.
"Nice," I whistle, taking two tumblers from a serving table in the corner of the room. Quicksilver gave a bottle just like that to me and my wife as a wedding gift.
My wife. I smile, remembering the joy and love on Virginia's face as she rose on her tiptoes to kiss me at the ceremony that ended up being much bigger and much less private than we originally intended when we realized we were blessed with so many people we could call family.
"Me and Mustang have a bottle just like that," I say, still smiling at the memory.
"Where do you think I got this from?" Sevro opens the bottle with a wink and pours us both a shot.
I laugh as I take the glass he hands me. "Drinking to your baby with stolen whiskey. Sounds about right." I pause, letting the moment turn serious as we raise our glasses. "To the little one's health, and Victra's."
"Yeah," Sevro's voice shakes a little and so does his hand as he takes a big sip. "Woah. That's really good."
"Bloodydamn good." I close my eyes, savoring the taste. It's funny how quickly you get used to the high-end stuff.
We finish our drinks in silence.
"One more?" Sevro asks, reaching for the bottle.
I shake my head, knowing that one more really means many more. "Not on an empty stomach. I need to at least maintain an illusion of sobriety for the meetings I have scheduled for later today."
"Slag 'em," Sevro says blithely, but sets the bottle down when he sees I’m serious. "Fine, you Pixie," he rolls his eyes. "We'll get you some food so you don't upset your sensitive stomach."
"Sensitive stomach? I've been drinking swill that would eat you from the inside out since I was thirteen!" What I don't tell him is that about a week ago, when Kieran brought a bottle of swill to a family dinner, it tasted so awful to me that I almost spat it out.
"Yeah, yeah," Sevro isn't impressed. He gets to his feet. "Let's go."
"Where?"
"You want food? We're gonna get it the old-fashioned way." He grins at me. "We're raiding the Citadel pantry."
And why the hell not? "Just put on some clothes first."
– – – – – –
We sneak past the staff, the cooks and the ever present guards without much effort. I file away the weak spots to tell the head of security later.
It's an easy in-and-out; the biggest complication turns out to be Sevro's indecision over which kind of ham to take. He solves the dilemma by taking one of each. On top of that, we get sausages, half a wheel of cheese that smells wicked but Sevro swears by, a bottle of aggressively yellow and teeth-rotting sweet joyfruit juice Sevro loves, and a small basket of strawberries that I just can't resist.
Well, better make that two baskets, just to be safe.
Soon we're racing down the corridors laughing and howling like maniacs, clutching our loot to our chests, dashing past confused staff. It feels like we're coming back from a raid at the Institute, young and oh so careless in those moments when the thrill of adventure overshadowed everything else.
We burst back into Sevro and Victra's quarters and spill our catch in the middle of their living room. Sevro brings the whiskey and tumblers from the bedroom and we sit down on the floor, still laughing as more drinks are poured.
Then the laughter dies down and we fall silent.
"We really gotta start acting like adults now, don't we?" Sevro says, staring into his whiskey. "Be all responsible and shit."
I sigh. "Yeah."
"I'm not sure I'm up to it," he says quietly. "Being a dad."
"I don't think anyone is. You just have to do your best and hope it works out, I guess."
"Wow, deep. Thank you for that pearl of wisdom, Reap."
"Asshole." I punch him in the shoulder, making him spill some of his whiskey. He punches me back, then pulls out Tickler from his boot and gets himself a big slice of ham. I bite into one of the sausages. It's just the right amount of spicy; the food is really wonderful here.
For a while, we chew and drink in silence. Sevro works his way through all the hams one by one, eating with his eyes closed like he's planning to rate them and write reviews. I switch from sausage to cheese, and eventually, inevitably, to the strawberries. They're sweet and juicy, red running down my fingers till I lick them clean. I should've taken three baskets.
When we eat our fill, we drink some more, me more moderately than Sevro because I really do need to be paying attention at those meetings later on. If Sevro notices me lagging behind in drinks downed, he doesn't comment on it. He belches, pats his stomach and loosens his belt, staring straight ahead with a scowl. He's working his way through something, I can tell, so I wait patiently until he tells me.
"When V told me," he starts eventually, not looking at me as he speaks, "I was happy, but more than that, I was scared." He pauses, expecting me to make a joke. When I don't, he continues. "How am I gonna do this? I'm twenty-four, man. I wear a stinky wolfcloak and scare the shit out of everyone."
"Not everyone," I correct. "Kieran's kids love you." He's their favorite uncle, more mentally present when he's around them than I can afford to be. Or more than I choose to be, maybe. "You'll do fine."
"I don't want to fuck it up and be like my pa." He hugs his knees, lays his chin on them. "I loved my old man, but he was always gone, you know? I mean he was a genius and a hero, and he started all this because of how much he loved ma. And for most of my life, I had no idea about any of that. I just thought he was a cold shithead who didn't care about anything. I don't wanna be like that. I don't want my kids growing up with a dad they barely know."
As he speaks, I feel a heavy weight settling in my chest. I lost my first child before I even knew it was on its way. I didn't know Pax existed until he was over a year old. I missed his first smile, his first tummy ache, first babbling words, first wobbly steps and so many precious moments in between.
And there's no point lying to myself about it – I will miss so many more. A war is coming. This strange month of no open conflict following Octavia's fall is nothing but the calm before the storm.
When the storm comes, Pax will remain with his mother here on Luna while I'll be away on campaign after campaign, because my duty to those who chose to follow me is greater than anything else. I'm neglecting my son already, too busy with meetings, formulating plans and preparing defenses against an enemy who would crush us into dust if we let down our guard even for a second.
"Darrow?" Sevro says, and I realize I must've got lost in my own thoughts.
"Sorry." I think about what he told me. "You don't have to be like your dad. Fitchner practically had to carry the whole fight on his shoulders most of the time. You don't." I do, is what I don't say. "If you want out, I'll understand. You've done more than enough for the Rising already."
He shakes his head resolutely. "I'm not leaving you to fight those pricklicks on your own." His shoulders slump. "But I don't think the fight will be over anytime soon."
On that, we are in full agreement.
The bottle of whiskey is getting emptier without me even noticing.
"What about you and Mustang?" Sevro says after a while of loaded silence. "You gonna try for another baby?"
I take a big sip of whiskey, savoring the burn of it. "It's… complicated."
"If you need help getting it up, there's all sorts of medication–"
"I don't need help getting it up!"
"Could have fooled me," Sevro shrugs. "You two keep acting like monks. It’s a wonder you even made Pax."
"Oh shut up." It's almost amusing, the assumptions people make based on how Virginia and I act around each other when we're not alone. Little do they know that the more we hold ourselves back in public, the more we let go in those increasingly rare moments of privacy.
"It's just not a good time right now," I say eventually. "Virginia's the Sovereign of a fledgling Republic that will soon come under attack. She'll have to hold the fragile system together while I hold together our defense. Not a smart time to have another kid." I hate how pragmatic that sounds, but it's the truth.
"That sucks," Sevro says, carving off a slice of cured ham and offering it to me as consolation. When I turn it down, he bites into it himself. For such a scrawny guy, his appetite is incredible.
"It's not that bad." I consider all that I've lost and all that I've gained. I can't complain. I'm still here, and despite terrible, painful losses, many of those I love are still here with me. By my side, one way or another. "One day, when this is all—"
My com comes alive. It's Orion. "Darrow, we need to talk."
"What's going on?"
"The Star's long-range sensors just detected a huge fleet approaching Luna. It's the Ash Lord. He'll be here soon."
So here it is. Finally. The waiting is over. I nod to myself and set my unfinished drink down before getting to my feet. "I'm on my way."
Sevro gets up too, following me to the door. I turn around to stand in his way. "You're sitting this one out." When he opens his mouth to protest, I add, "That's an order. How long till Victra gets back home?"
He checks his datapad. "Half an hour, tops."
"Today is the beginning of something new for you and Victra. You shouldn't spend the day in a war room."
"We're not some Pixies who need coddling!"
As if anyone would think that way about Sevro and Victra. "Nobody's coddling you. But there’s no reason you should waste your special day listening to tactical reports and watching dots blip on a holo map. You don't want to be like your dad? Make sure you don't miss out on what's important." Firmly but gently, I push him back inside the room. "Finish your drink. Clean up the mess we made on the floor. Wait for your wife and celebrate your good news… whatever celebrating means with you two. I'll handle this. The war's not going anywhere."
For a moment he looks like he's about to kick me in the balls and slip past me outside the room, but then the fight leaves him and he nods. "Alright. But I'm here if you need me."
"I know." I squeeze his shoulder, then pull him into a hug. "I'm so happy for you, Sevro." Stepping back, I look at him and we share a smile. "Give Victra my congratulations."
He scoffs. "She's gonna break your nose when she finds out you made us sit out the first day of the war."
"Probably," I agree. "Worth it, though."
"Yeah. Thanks, Reap."
"Sure." I turn to leave, glad that I can give my friends this brief reprieve, even though I can't afford the same luxury myself.
I'm sorry, Pax. There will be no bedtime story tonight.
War awaits.