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You were screwed.
Absolutely, utterly screwed.
Liking Hanbin was one thing, but the sudden change in how you felt about your best friend, Zhang Hao, was definitely not part of the plan.
Not only was it clear that the man was interested in Hanbin himself, he also never really showed any particular interest in dating girls. Sure, he had dated Xiaoting, but that was back in middle school and it lasted for about two months before they mutually decided they were better off as friends.
Liking both Hanbin and Hao was certainly a recipe for disaster. Even if, and that is hypothetically of course, one of them returned your feelings, you would still not know what the right move was. How could you choose between the two people that make your every day the brightest when they are around?
Maybe this was payback for that one time you accidentally gave Matthew his seat mate's notebook instead of his and he ended up finding out about her long-time crush on him. You honestly wouldn't blame Chaeryeong for hating you. She had to spend the entire year sat next to the boy who rejected her.
No wonder this was happening to you now. Life was just throwing everything back at you.
"Earth to Y/N?"
"Huh?", you turned to look back at Ryujin, whose eyebrows were raised at you expectedly.
"Sorry, I spaced out. What were you saying?"
Ryujin scoffed, "Yeah, no shit. I've called your name at least 10 times."
You rolled your eyes at her, "Okay, that is an exaggeration."
"It's not an exaggeration when it comes to you."
You gave her your biggest pout at which she laughed at before her face turned stern again.
"Seriously though, what's on your mind?"
You quickly shook your head, "It's nothing."
Ryujin crossed her arms. She knew you too well. There were two people in your life you couldn't fool. Ryujin and Hao. You guessed it came with knowing them since all three of you were toddlers.
You hesitated, "I don't want to make it into a big deal."
Ryujin scoffed, "It clearly is though. This is not the first time you space out in the past days. And that frown on your face has become permanent at this point. You were even frowning when we went for BBQ last Friday. BBQ, Y/N! BBQ."
"Okay, okay!", you tried to calm her down, "I get it. I've been miserable. There's just a lot on my mind."
"Exactly! And I, as your best friend, want to listen to what's bothering you.", she reached to take your hand in hers as an encouraging gesture.
You sighed, "You know how I like Hanbin, right?"
She widened her eyes, "Holy crap! Are you actually finally admitting it?"
You squeezed your eyes as if in pain, "Ugh! Yes, I am admitting to liking Sung Hanbin. Now, do you want me to tell you what's going on or are you going to go on about how you were right all along."
She pinched her fingers and dragged them across one corner of her mouth to another as if zipping it.
"Okay. Basically, I don't think I only like Hanbin. Scratch that. I don't only like Hanbin."
She made a questioning expression, "So, you love him?"
"No, I mean I don't know. I know I like him a lot, but this is not what this is about. I like a second person as well."
Ryujin straightened her back in her seat, which clearly showed how intrigued she now was.
You couldn't believe you were about to admit to what had been tormenting you for weeks. In fact, you thought you would take this to the grave. Liking Hanbin was okay. Hanbin was a friend, but he was certainly not Hao. Hao, who approached you on the first day of nursery, because he was also from abroad and no other kid smiled at him as kindly as you. Hao, who held your hand at the age of six when you broke your leg, and you were wailing on the hard ground while he was praising you for how brave you were. Hao, who gave you the warmest of hugs when your first boyfriend broke your heart at the age of seventeen and assured you that you deserved the world. This was different. Liking Hao was different. It changed your relationship entirely and maybe that was something you weren't seeking.
You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, "I like Hao."
You said it. For the first time you admitted to liking your best friend out loud. Part of you did feel some level of relief, but another part felt utterly sick. As if you had quite literally spilled your guts out on the floor.
Ruyjin opened her mouth as if to say something, but then closed it again. You could tell she didn't expect the words that had come out of your mouth.
"That's okay you know.", is what she settled with.
"There is nothing wrong with liking Hao. I get it. He has always been there. At your best, at your worst. He makes you smile, laugh. He makes you happy. There is nothing wrong with it."
You looked outside the window of the coffee shop, your eyes dropping to a fallen autumn leaf completely isolated from the rest. Maybe it was quite a depressing thought to have, but you kind of felt like that leaf. Isolated. Surely, liking two people at the same time was weird, right? Especially, when one of them was your best friend and the other one was the person said best friend was undeniably infatuated with.
"I know. It seems like a big deal because it's Hao and part of me fears how this could change our relationship. But I know there is nothing wrong with how I feel. I just don't know why both. Why do I have to like both? And why must it be them? We all see how Hao and Hanbin are when together. They clearly like each other and I am just there. Like some sort of pest."
Ryujin smiled sympathetically at you.
"Well, I think we can't control who we like. That includes the number of people we can like at the same time. What you need to ask yourself is how important these feelings are to you and what is the best way to handle them. Personally, if you ask me, I think you should be honest with them."
You slumped in your seat, head tilting down to stare at your feet. Her warm hand slid out of yours.
"Of course, you'd say that. Some people don't have the same amount of bravery as you Ryu."
She leaned forward catching your hands again.
"You are wrong. You are the bravest person I know. You prove that every day by being here even after your parents moved back to your home country. You've made it so far and achieved so many things on your own. So, excuse me if you think I am misjudging the situation, but if the girl sitting in front of me can build a life of her own thousands of miles away from her family, she can certainly be honest with the people she loves."
In a way Ryujin was right. You had been through way more difficult times in your life and managed to persevere. In fact, this should be easier compared to many other situations you've found yourself in. Yet, it didn't. Perhaps, it was the fear that you would lose the people that made living so far away from your family less lonely. Hao was your family here. Hanbin had also made a cozy nest in your heart in the short span of time you knew him. In your head the risk of loss was there, albeit unrealistic. The logical version of yourself was well aware that Hao and Hanbin would never abandon you or your friendship due to non-reciprocated feelings, yet the emotional version seemed to be overtaking the logical one.
"I am scared of losing them.", you silently confessed.
The girl across you sighed, "I know how much they mean to you as people. I know you love them because they are good people. So, trust in that. If these two are really who you think they are, they would never judge you for the way you feel."
You smiled at her, "Maybe you are right".
Ryujin gleamed, "I know I am right."
You turned your head once again towards the direction of that isolated autumn leaf. Only this time, it wasn't alone. Somehow, it had found its way to the rest.
Somehow, you believed you would too. You believed you would find your way to them. After all, you were not alone.
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Talking to them proved to be difficult. Whenever Hao seemed to have a spare moment, Hanbin was absent. Likewise, when Hanbin was available, Hao was busy with something else. It almost made no sense to you how these two who were always attached to the hip, were now like two magnets unable to stick together. It was almost as if the universe was plotting against you and soon you found yourself feeling defeated.
"Have you thought of just arranging to meet up with them?", Ryujin asked, before slamming her locker.
Of course, you had thought of it. You guessed that the only reason you hadn't opted for that solution was because you would rather do it spontaneously. On the other hand, meeting meant preparation. And preparation also translated to i-have-too-much-time-to-think-about-this.
You opened your mouth to reply to her when all of a sudden, the locker beside her slammed shut.
"Who is meeting up with who?"
It was Gyuvin.
"Stay out of it, you tall freak.", Ryujin pointed at him.
Gyuvin gasped, "That's absolutely vile behaviour from you, Miss Shin Ryujin. What have I ever done to you?"
Ryujin glared her eyes at him, "You freaking destroyed all the hard work I put on that shelf today with your uncoordinated long limbs."
"Hey! I didn't ask for these. If you want to blame someone, blame my parents.", the younger male protested before turning to you, "Anyway, who are you meeting up with?"
Ryujin slapped his arm, "Stay out of this."
"What? I am her friend. Don't I deserve to know what this is about? Plus, I am almost pretty sure it involves Hao or Hanbin to some extent."
You turned to him in panic, "How'd you know?"
Gyuvin smirked, "Please. When is anything ever not about any of them?"
"I've got other stuff I talk about aside from Hao and Hanbin.", you tried to defend yourself.
Ryujin grimaced, causing Gyuvin to laugh.
"You both suck.", you pouted at them, "Anyway, as much as I love you Gyuv, I am not going into further detail about this."
Gyuvin pursed his lips, before nodding his head.
"Fair enough. However, let me tell you this. If this is about them, I am sure whatever you are stressing over is not worth it. Both love and care for you dearly. They would never judge you whatever it is you have to say to them."
Ruyjin, who had now packed up her bag to leave, turned to him and gasped.
"Oh my god. That is the most mature thing that's come out of that mouth in the 2 years I've known you. I am so proud of you."
Gyuvin rolled his eyes, but smiled at Ryujin nonetheless.
"Thanks Ryujin.”, he turned to you once again, “I am serious Y/N. If this is about them, don’t avoid whatever conversation you need to have with them. It’s not fair on them and it’s not fair on you either.”
You averted your gaze to the floor. Gyuvin patted your shoulder sympathetically, Ryujin following closely behind him.
You knew it was time to stop avoiding it. You needed to talk to them. With determination filling your veins, you clicked on Hao’s contact.
Your call is being connected…
“Y/N?”
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Your hands were sweating profusely.
You rubbed them together in hopes of getting rid of the wetness, but the sweat just kept building up. You had never felt more awkward sitting in your apartment’s couch as you waited for Hao and Hanbin to show up. Your hand reached out to dust the seats next to you again, eyes quickly darting to the clock on the wall.
3:57 pm. They should be here soon.
You took a deep breath. It was just Hao and Hanbin. You knew them. You knew their hearts. The worst possible outcome was rejection, which you tried to convince yourself thousands of times you were ready for.
The knock on your door snapped you out of your thoughts. Better now than never. You were spiraling and that was dangerous. The less you thought the better.
Your legs moved on their own before you could think about ignoring the knock or doing anything crazy like escaping from your apartment’s window. You were only on the first floor after all. You would be fine.
On the other side of the door Hanbin and Hao greeted you with their sweet smiles. You could discern the slightest glimpse of what looked like concern, but you pushed it to the back of your head.
Don’t overthink.
“Hey.”, you greeted them, “Come in.”
They took their shoes off before quietly shuffling in your living space. You shut the door behind them. Suddenly it felt so real. You were seconds away from spilling the truth. Well, seconds was an exaggeration. It would certainly end up taking some time if you included all the stutters, mumbles, and awkward silence.
Hao and Hanbin sat in your couch, trying to make themselves look comfortable. You knew they weren’t by how they kept changing their sitting positions. Part of you wondered what exactly they thought they were here for. Hopefully, nothing bad. You didn’t think this was that bad anyway. It wasn’t, right? Or maybe, they knew what they were here for, and they didn’t know how to deal with the situation either.
So much for not slipping into your thoughts.
“Hao, you look constipated. Relax, I am not here to deliver any bad news. At least, I think I am not.”, you noted.
Your best friend visibly relaxed.
“It sounded serious from your tone during the phone call.”, Hanbin pointed out.
You sighed, “I know. I am sorry if I scared you two. It’s nothing that serious, I promise. I just overthink things. And – and I don’t know how to express myself properly due to that.”
Hao pursed his lips, “This is probably a very cliché line, but you know we would never judge you, right?”
You smiled at him, your eyes getting foggy, “I know HaoHao.”
Two minutes in and you were already practically crying. So much not to worry them.
Hanbin reached out to take your hand in his as an attempt to comfort you. You played with the ring on his finger – the same one that adorned your best friend’s middle finger – trying to collect your thoughts.
You kind of felt awful about doing this. You know they deserved to know, but that didn’t stop you from considering that maybe you were being selfish. Hao and Hanbin had something special. It was apparent from the first day they met at the University’s annual concert organized by the Arts Department. They both seemed mesmerized by each other. Eyes never straying for not even a split second. You clearly remember Hao’s hands digging into your side asking about the captivating male dancer on stage. His eyes never faltered away from Hanbin’s figure, his mouth practically hanging open from fascination.
Were you about to ruin this special bond?
“You are overthinking.”, Hanbin stated.
You closed your eyes, frustrated at yourself.
“I am sorry.”
You didn’t know exactly what you were apologizing for.
You kind of expected for Hao to reassure you again, but instead you were met with silence. Your best friend knew you so well. Words of encouragement always worked on you until you started getting emotional. The minute you started getting emotional, your brain stopped processing anything in a positive way.
You took another deep breath. This was it.
“There is something I haven’t told you. I honestly didn’t think it would evolve into what it has, but it did. And as much as I have tried to ignore it or tried to ‘change’ it I can’t.”
You took a second to look at their expressions. Hao had his eyebrows furrowed, evidently confused. Next to him Hanbin looked deep in thought. He didn’t seem as confused as your best friend, which slightly confirmed your suspicions about him being possibly aware of what this was about. Hanbin was after all a very observant person. It was the reason why he was the leader of the University’s dance team and the reason why your friends always went to him for help.
“God, I really hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable. Or changes anything between the three of us. I would hate that. And I can’t lose the two of you, because you mean so much to me a-and considering how socially awkward and incapable I am, I would probably end up spending the entirety of my lifetime alone, doomed because I-“, your brain short-circuited.
Hanbin gave you an awkward toothy smile, almost sympathetic in nature, “Y/N, it’s okay. Take your time. You are literally blue in the face due to the evident lack of breathing.”
You blushed from embarrassment. Next to Hanbin, Hao’s expression had morphed into that of absolute worry. You hated that look on him. Hao was such an emotional person and you hated when you felt as if you were the reason behind his worries.
You looked at the clock on the wall. 4:15 pm (Read Note 2 for fun fact). It was now or never.
“I like you.”, you admitted.
Hao looked back and forth between you and Hanbin, the latter giving you a tight-lipped smile.
“Which one do you like exactly?”, Hao asked.
Hanbin shook his head in disbelief. Hao truly was oblivious to the whole situation.
“I think she is talking about both of us.”
Hao’s eyes widened, “Wait, for real?”
You suddenly felt self-conscious. You had been honest, but that came with another price. The price of explaining. You couldn’t just leave it at that and expect the pair to figure it out between themselves.
“I-I’m sorry. I know it’s weird. I didn’t expect it to happen. I am sorry if I am making you uncomfortable.”
Hanbin visibly tensed, “Now what in the world are you apologizing for? There is nothing wrong with how you feel. There is nothing ever wrong about loving people. You should only be apologizing to yourself for making yourself feel so guilty about it.”
You bit at your lip, “Hao, will you say something?”
Your best friend seemingly awakened from his daze at the sound of his name spilling from your lips, “I- since when? I mean have you been feeling this way for a long time?”
“I have liked Hanbin for some time now, but I only came to realize how I felt about you only recently.”
“How recently?”, Hao pressed.
“Past three months.”, you mumbled, avoiding his gaze. Your eyes were getting unclear again. God, why did you have to be such a coward?
Hao got up from his seat before squatting in front of you. Soon, warm hands engulfed yours, kind eyes trying to meet yours.
“Bao, please look at me.”
You hesitantly looked into his eyes.
“I would never, ever change the way I treat you due to your feelings. In fact, I think I am a bit guilty myself.”
You blinked in confusion, “You have feelings for me too? But I haven’t seen you date a single girl in the past eight years.”
“Can you think of anyone I’ve dated in the past eight years?”
You opened your mouth ready to answer, but no answer seemed to form. He was right. Hao had not dated anyone after Xiaoting. Your best friend had been so busy with school and violin that he barely had time for any other people except for you.
Hao chuckled, “I kind of like both, I suppose. I am sorry for not telling you. It’s not that I didn’t trust you or anything. I just thought you knew?”
You shook your head, “No, I am the one that’s sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed. It was wrong of me to do that.”
He squeezed your hands, “It’s okay Bao.”
A cough from the neighboring couch diverted your attention from each other.
Hanbin smiled, “Forgot about me already?”
Hao rolled his eyes in response, “Jealous much?”
“Kind of. I am supposed to be a part of this conversation, no?”, Hanbin pouted.
“This fool right here has had the longest crush on you too.”, your best friend exposed him.
Hanbin shyly diverted his gaze to the coffee table in front of him.
This was beyond confusing to you. Hao had just admitted to having feelings for you and, now Hanbin, who you were so sure was infatuated with the former, was being outed for his feelings as well. Had you been this wrong all along?
“But I thought you both liked each other.”
The two males looked at each other before bursting into a fit of giggles.
“We do. That one assumption you are right about.”, Hanbin replied.
Hao nodded his head, “In fact, Hanbin confessed to me about liking you three dates in.”
You gasped, “Three dates? Zhang Hao, you have been seeing Hanbin and you didn’t tell me?”
One of his hands left yours to scratch at his nape embarrassed, “Part of me thought that was what you called us over for. Because you had figured it out and you were mad. However, as soon as you started talking, I knew you didn’t know. I am really sorry Bao. I just didn’t know how to tell you. I had figured out that you liked Hanbin and I was scared of breaking your heart. I didn’t think it was going to turn out this way.”
You sighed, “So, what was the plan then? Never tell me?”
Hao’s lone hand reached for yours again, “Of course not. Hanbin and I haven’t made it official yet. I was planning on telling you then. I wanted to be sure it was going to work out before I told you. Thought that would make the heartbreak worth it. I am sorry. This sounds so stupid now that I am saying it out loud. I only wanted to protect you and your feelings.”
You slipped your hands out of his, both reaching to cup his cheeks.
“It’s okay Bao. I will always forgive you.”
Hao’s eyes shined brightly with emotion. You smiled at him; eyes filled with so much love. His face frowned for a second, and then warm lips were on yours.
Most people would say kissing isn’t that special. In practice, it really is just a bunch of nerve endings touching other. Kissing Hao was anything but that. Kissing him felt like drinking a healing potion, all your worries easing away, muscles relaxing. It felt like warmth spreading throughout your entire body and engulfing you whole. It was comfort; it was home; it was love.
“Now, I am extremely jealous.”, Hanbin muttered.
You slowly pulled away from Hao, your hands never leaving his. Hanbin was sitting on the opposite couch, hands on his lap, looking at the both of you with the biggest pout on his face. He suddenly reminded you of that leaf outside the coffee shop. It felt wrong.
“Come here.”, you motioned him.
His eyes lit up in excitement, body almost falling on the floor from the hurry to get to you and Hao.
“Be careful! You are going to accidentally kill yourself before you even get here.”, Hao scolded him.
Hanbin protested, “Maybe if you weren’t all caught up in each other, I wouldn’t have to sit there in the first place.”
You smiled at him, “I am sorry Hanbin. You are part of this as much as Hao and I.”
“It’s okay. You two needed to talk this out anyway. It’s different for me.”
You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion, “What do you mean?”
“Well… I kind of knew about everything?”
Hao looked at him bewildered, “What? What are you implying?”
Hanbin chuckled, “You told me how you felt about Y/N yourself after I confessed how I felt about her. We had already confessed to each other, and let’s just say that I had this tiny inkling that she liked me after Matthew’s birthday party five months ago.”
“But what about how my feelings towards Hao changed? You couldn’t have possibly known about that.”, you asked.
There was no way Hanbin had known about everything all along. Sure, you had thought that he might have been roughly aware of your crush on him or maybe Hao, but not everything. If he was, why did he not say anything about it in the first place?
“Actually, I did.”, he smirked, “It became obvious at some point. When you first realized your feelings had developed into non-platonic ones, you would practically squirm when he’d give you a hug, and once you realized there was nothing you could do, you started taking advantage of it. Your hands would linger when you’d playfully pat his shoulder, you would silently stare at him a lot, and not to mention, it was the first time I saw you blush when he kissed your cheek. He’d been doing that for years, but you never had a reaction to it. It wasn’t that hard to figure out.”
“Sung Hanbin, I think you chose the wrong profession. I think it is time to switch careers. Just become a detective or something. God, I can’t believe you’ve known all this time.”, you whined.
“Why did you not say anything?”
Hao had asked the question you’d been meaning to ask yourself.
The other male sighed, “Because your relationship has always been different. You’ve known each other since you were kids. I knew how hard it was going to be for the both of you to talk it out, but I also knew you needed to do exactly that without me getting in between. I made a promise to myself that I would not pursue anything further unless this conversation happened. That’s why I never made it official with you Hao. You had your reasons and I had mine.”
“You still confessed to him though.”, you pointed out.
Hao shook his head, “That was actually me.”
“Indeed. I wouldn’t have confessed to Hao if he hadn’t first. Also, I couldn’t exactly reject him, so I decided to be honest instead. I know this might sound bad, but it was a relief when you told me you wanted to take it slow. Being aware of everything was kind of exhilarating in a way, however, it was extremely difficult to keep it all to myself and wait it out.”
“What if none of us ever confessed?”, you pondered.
“I would have stopped seeing Hao. I didn’t want to date Hao when I knew how more complicated this was. That was not a concern though. I knew someone would make the first move at some point. It was only a matter of time. I was certain that if your friendship of twenty years was as important as I believed it was, one of you would come out with the truth. That’s what I admire about you two. The respect, love, and effort you’ve put into this friendship. You are always there for each other and never keep each other in the dark. That’s how you progress and improve not only what you have, but who you are as individuals. Hao would have never changed his mind about pursuing music instead of science if it weren’t for you Y/N. And you would have never made the decision to stay in Korea if it weren’t for Hao. Now, look at the both of you. Hao is one of the top violin performers of this University, has a teacher’s license which has granted him his wish of teaching and inspiring other kids to pursue music, and you have built a life on your own in a country far away from everything you have ever known. You are even graduating top of your class.”
You didn’t think you could possibly love Sung Hanbin more than this moment. Hanbin had only known you two for less than two years. It had taken him only this long to put the pieces of your souls together. He didn’t just know you. You were part of him. You were him. Hanbin was more aware of who you and Hao were, than you yourselves. While that could partly sound a bit creepy or off putting, you knew Sung Hanbin yourself. Maybe not to the extent that he seemed to know you or Hao, but enough to be certain that the man in front of you cared so deeply about the people in his life that his eyes were always observing, ensuring that the people he loved were okay. Hanbin was love. Hao was love.
Your sniffles caught the attention of the two men, who unbeknownst to you had started a conversation of their own.
“What’s wrong Bao?”, Hao asked in concern, hands reaching to comb through your hair soothingly.
You wiped at your eyes, “I just love the both of you so much.”
Hanbin cooed at you, reaching to wipe another stray tear running down your cheek.
“We love you too.”
You smiled at them through your tears, before practically throwing your body on top of them, each hand circling around their napes.
“It’s okay Bao. We are here now.”, Hao reassured you, placing a kiss on the side of your neck.
Hanbin nuzzled his head against your arm in approval.
This was it, you realized. This was your happiness in your arms. You could get through everything as long as you had them. You were no longer that stray leaf on the ground. In fact, you never had been. You would always have them. Whether as friends or lovers. At that moment, you promised yourself that you would never doubt any of them again. Hao and Hanbin would always be with you. No matter what season. They were yours and you were theirs.
“So, when do I get my kiss?”, Hanbin mumbled, mouth pressed to your neck.
Hao laughed, “Still jealous?”
Hanbin groaned in response.
“Don’t worry Bin. You will get endless kisses. I am not going anywhere. Not now, not ever.”
END
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