Archive of Our Own

If he won't perfectly dice this onion, Rokuta and Kei were going to leave him.

Itsuki knew it was an absurd connection to make. Yet at this very moment he was sure of it. If he'll dice the onion unevenly he will, without the doubt, be left alone.

However, he could do this. Itsuki held the knife that was really precise and sharp. The new variable shouldn't make a difference.

Itsuki's hands were shaking slightly. Why? Could it be that the coffee he drank today contained more caffeine than usual? That didn't seem likely. So, why? Why at the time when he had to dice the onion perfectly?

He couldn't keep thinking about the reason. The probability of him failing the task was low but he couldn't fail. If he did terrible things would happen. But if he won't do this it would be bad too. The situation reached a stalemate so he decided to lower the knife and get it done quickly.

"Itsuki-nii! Can I help somehow!?"

Rokuta's voice startled Itsuki, he looked at him and then looked down.

No.

He messed up. He moved or… he was startled so…

He messed up.

"Itsuki-nii?"

Suddenly it was hard to breathe. He was on the floor. Just a moment before he was standing normally. He didn't register the moment of falling.

The sound was muffled. He couldn't breathe. He had to fight for every bit of air. It was like someone's hands were trying to choke him. His right hand started to feel like it was being burned only to get extremely cold the next second.

Itsuki was there again. He thought he escaped but he was there again.

White walls. He was being dragged to a separate room. Itsuki knew better than to resist but they used force anyway. The hand of the researcher was almost crushing his wrist. He didn't get much food in the facility so he wouldn't be surprised if his bones would actually break. The other hand of his researcher violently ripped off his IV. It hurted but there was not enough time to feel pain.

He was about to enter… No, he was about to be thrown into the white room.

"No way! There's no way I'm entering that room! There, I'm…"

"Itsuki-nii, breathe. What's happening? Kei-chan!"

Rokuta put his hand on Itsuki's shoulder but he shook it off. Being touched scared him. He felt like everyone touching him just wanted to take him there again.

He remembered everything. Every detail.

When he was being restricted he already knew what they would do to him. He knew about metals and that he had to get one two. He also knew that people who got some marks on their skin were disappearing from the facility.

Nothing, however, could prepare him for the metal to be that. They started tattooing him. They were talking as they did it. Talking about how they never tried making phantometal this way before. They had no idea if it was safe but nobody cared. Places like this weren't regulated in any way. There was no protocol. If they messed up once they could just replace the subject. Also data about failed experiments is still data. Very valuable data. So of course nobody cared even though he screamed as loud as he could. They just continued to replace his skin with metal fluid, not bothered at all. He couldn't find words to describe the pain but at some point he wanted someone to cut his hand off.

He remembered every noise and every stain on the otherwise white wall but… Did he? He remembered staring at the place near the corner but why? Was there something there? He didn't remember something being there but he didn't remember nothing being there either. As if someone physically removed it from his memory. He tried to focus but the harder he tried to remember the more he felt like he shouldn't.

He screamed again. He couldn't focus in this state…

He needed to do something. He needed to move and go somewhere. Where? Where was it? He didn't remember either but he couldn't sit there getting his tattoo. He had to go. He had to…

"Itsuki, you're safe. Take a deep breath, okay?"

Kei's voice made him return to their kitchen for a brief moment. Itsuki was hyperventilating.

"Itsuki-nii…"

Maybe Rokuta said something after that but Itsuki could only focus on steading his breath. He counted to himself in his head.

One, two, three-

The needle continued to pierce through his skin. About one and a half… maybe two millimeters deep. Itsuki could feel the metallic substance. It was so cold. It felt like the walls of his veins were being frozen, leaving just enough heat so his body wouldn't stop working. Even yet he was looking somewhere. He wasn't just screaming. He was screaming words. Itsuki was looking at something…

One, two, three, four-

He was saved. He wasn't there anymore. There was no need to remember the details. However, how come he remembered everything else… He couldn't just forget.

No. He should stop thinking about it.

One, two, three, four, five.

His hand was hurting so much. It was the same pain over and over again, even if this time it was merely phantom. Itsuki was covered in cold sweat.

Was it a phantom reaction? This part of being a phantom metal user surely made moving on harder. Every so often it could trigger and make sure that Itsuki would return to this white room again. As if getting this tattoo once wasn't enough.

Rokuta and Kei were sitting next to him looking deeply concerned.

"I'm alright" he said and stood up before they had time to ask him questions "What hour is it?"

He needed to finish making the meal. No time to worry about this. After all, it's a side effect that's not going to disappear. Yet his head was still hurting and his hand still felt so cold. It shouldn't feel this way, it wasn't real… It was just an illusion.

He started to think that Rokuta and Kei were taking way too long to respond when someone hugged him. From the strength alone he could tell it was Rokuta. Shortly after Kei joined their hug.

The three of them stayed like that in complete silence. That was 1Nm8's way of doing things. Itsuki quickly glanced at the unevenly diced onion on the counter. He took his not exactly steady, cold hands and hugged them back.

Slowly he could feel more and more steady. Hearing the rhythm of their hearts made his slow down. His breath became more natural to match theirs.

It wasn't this cold, white facility anymore. This place was full of what you could describe as warmth. The three of them living together, making music and planning to end what made them suffer so that no one else would have to experience it. It was more than Itsuki could ever ask for.

This was his reality now but somehow… it felt like an illusion instead.

***

It was a cold night but Itsuki couldn't fall asleep. He couldn't stay in his room either. Every closed space felt like a trap right now. There was also this awful feeling that he had to do something. Even though he had no idea what that thing was.

He was staring at his tattoo, not just a ring or bracelet he could take off, not even piercing. Something that he could not remove. Metallic part of his skin made it feel like he was more of a robot than a human. As long as he didn't want to carve it out of his flesh it was supposed to stay that way. Itsuki knew better than to do that.

Lately Rokuta had been remembering his childhood. It was probably thanks to Kei's cleansing music and those very phantometals. If it was helping him, he didn't really mind. Being indifferent was something that he got awfully used to. Part of him still wondered if that indifference was who he was or was it just a coping mechanism.

However, something was wrong. While Rokuta remembered more and more of his past with Kei he was forgetting about things as recent as a few hours ago. He didn't recall much of their time at the facility anymore… but that could be an effect of mental trauma. It was enough that Itsuki could remember every single detail of it. The more they would sing the better Rokuta would get, right? So they had to do whatever they could to keep making music together. If that meant phantom reactions would become an everyday occurrence, so be it.

Itsuki thought he quickly got over his reaction today. Rokuta and Kei were worrying way too much. They prepared the dinner instead of him even though he insisted he could do it himself. Rokuta almost destroyed another chopping board while doing that. It would be his third this week. One more than his average, three more than recommended. He felt so useless when he couldn't help them anyhow. Kei would tell him to rest every time he tried. Really, they didn't have to do that for him.

No, he wasn't being insomniac because of his phantom reaction…

Well, actually it originated from it. The hole in his memory. His spotless memory that made him unable to forget anything else. So, why?

It was illogical. How could he remember insignificant parts of the room but not the one he was so desperately looking at. He didn't want to remember that place but if the situation called for it… His headache got worse but it felt like he was reaching something very important. No matter how awful it was, he wanted to know all the facts. Truth was usually brutal for Itsuki but he could handle it. The truth will reveal itself soon or later after all.

"Are you okay, Itsuki-nii?"

Itsuki turned in the direction of Rokuta's voice. How come he didn't hear him coming? Never mind that, Rokuta should be sleeping right now.

"Yes, I am okay"

"Stop saying that!"

That wasn't the kind of response he was expecting. Itsuki tapped the bench he was sitting on five times.

"I'm telling the truth. Nothing in particular is wrong. I'm not hurt anywhere, nor am I experiencing any difficulties with breathing anymore. The phantom reaction is over"

Now that he thought about it he did have a headache but that was nothing major. However, Rokuta didn't look like he liked his answer. He sat next to him and looked at him with a mix of emotions Itsuki couldn't really name.

"It's not about being hurt. I mean it is but not like that. It was scary, right? Remembering all these things. We want to help you. I want to help you. I just… I don't remember… I'm sorry you have to be alone in that. I'm sorry if you don't feel you can talk about it to me. If you don't want to, you don't have to but…" tears were streaming down Rokuta's cheeks. "Let me help you. Please"

Itsuki didn't know what to say or do. Was he feeling alone in that? He didn't think so. It was a good thing that Rokuta forgot about that. About all they did to them.

Wanting someone else to think about all of that just so he wouldn't be alone would be egoistical. It was his burden to carry. They were just memories after all. They were free now so it shouldn't matter. It shouldn't, right?

His headache worsened. This room. He had to do something. There was something else in there… someone…

"You two living with me is more than enough, really. I'm thankful for you just being here"

He tapped the bench five times, ten times, fifteen times. He was truly so thankful for Kei and Rokuta just being here. Without them he wasn't sure how life after everything that happened would look like. Would he be able to live like people normally do? Would he be able to survive in a world lacking of white walls, hospital beds and tons of medicine that he grew so accustomed to? That freedom would look so empty if that was just him. How could he hope to recover and get used to all these new things all by himself?

They already helped him more than they could imagine and he wanted to say that. He wanted to convert that into words but firstly he didn't know how and secondly his head was in awful pain right now. His headache worsened with every word, every blink, every second. He felt like he was dangerously close to discovering something really dark.

"Please tell me if you want to talk. Anytime. Promise me you will come if you need to"

Itsuki nodded, unable to utter any words.

"Maybe I don't remember much but…" Rokuta continued "I'm so glad we're free now… Oh…"

The pain suddenly stopped. His head went from feeling like it would split open to nothing. Any pain just ceased to exist. However, it was something worse than pain.

Itsuki felt chills running through his entire body. He stopped breathing for a moment. Everything just stopped.

He closed his eyes, too scared to open them again. Too scared to see.

He remembered.

Now he knew.

He wish he didn't.

Slowly Itsuki opened his eyes. The spot on the bench next to him was barely visible. Only the moon and stars shed light at the place Rokuta was sitting at seconds ago.

He wasn't there now. Itsuki was completely alone.

***

Itsuki's alarm went off. It was 7 a.m.. Normally he would go to take a shower and brush his teeth, then he would start making breakfast so it would be ready at exactly 8:30.

However, this time he didn't need to wake up. Itsuki couldn't close his eyes for the entirety of the night. When he remembered suddenly everything became clear. Situations that he couldn't explain suddenly all made perfect sense. Like some sick logic domino effect. He tried to convince himself that he should go to sleep so he could get the same amount of sleep as always. However, the later it got the more anxious he was about sleeping less than usual. Simply not sleeping was better for his schedule than sleeping in other hours. That sounded like a logical decision to him at the moment, but now he wasn't so sure about that anymore. At the same time he hated the fact that he was thinking about things like these now that he knew.

Even if he wanted to he couldn't fall asleep with a memory he repressed for so long now vivid in his mind. Was it him repressing it or was it entirely phantometal influence? That did not matter. The fear he felt that day, his screams, the not so white wall. Now he saw that in full.

He didn't want to leave his room but at the same time he knew he needed to. He needed to check. There shouldn't be much difference if his predictions were correct… Depends on how one would define much.

Itsuki stood in front of his door and reached for the handle. He took a step back. He really didn't want to do this. Every time he got to hold the handle he took his hand right back.

What was he even doing? Itsuki took five deep breaths and finally left the room.

Kitchen looked awfully normal. The moment he saw it something in him calmed down. He didn't have any proof, maybe phantometal was just messing with his head. It could have that kind of side effect for all he knew. Maybe all of it wasn't true. Maybe nothing changed.

Kei was sitting near the kitchen table doing something on his laptop. Rokuta was nowhere to be seen.

"Good morning, Itsuki" Kei noticed him and removed his earphones.

"Good morning, Kei. Do you know where Rokuta is?"

His absence would make Itsuki panic but the fact that Kei was sitting there calmly clearly meant he knew Rokuta's whereabouts.

"He went on a walk. I thought I'll go with him but I wanted to check on you" Kei got up and walked closer to him "Are you really okay after yesterday? Can I help somehow?"

For a moment Itsuki thought Kei may be talking about what he remembered. It was impossible. He wasn't planning on telling him. At least not when he was still lacking proof.

Then Itsuki recalled what Kei was talking about.

"It's really nothing. That's a normal phenomenon that all phantometal users experience at some point"

"You look so tired… If you need to sleep more it's really okay. I can take care of the things you need to do. Please Itsuki, don't overexert yourself" he placed his hands on Itsuki's shoulders.

Did he seem tired? Well after not sleeping for an entire night he had to.

Part of him wanted to tell Kei the truth right now so they both would stop lying to themselves. However, he couldn't drop that information without absolute certainty of it being real.

"Thank you for worrying but I think that going with my routine will be the best for me"

"Remember you can change your mind anytime. Just tell me, okay?"

Itsuki nodded. He wanted to change the topic so he decided to look at what Kei was doing on his laptop. He expected some music program or a text document with lyrics but what he saw surprised him.

"Is that VISTY?"

They all knew Kei was a part of a different group before they met. VISTY was one of their opponents after all. Still they didn't talk about them much. Itsuki always thought that Kei didn't want to, so he never pushed it. One of VISTY's MVs was visible on the screen, currently on pause.

"Oh, it's…" Kei looked like he wanted to close the laptop but realized it was too late "Yes"

He suddenly felt like he shouldn't have asked. Itsuki didn't have words to describe what he saw in Kei's eyes but if he would call it something it would be overbearing melancholy.

"They have grown so much… I'm glad they are still making music. Sometimes I just wonder about how they are but every time I worry about them I just listen to their music. I think they were hurt but they're doing better now" Kei smiled gently "Kantaro is doing well with making music, I still remember teaching him…"

He sat next to the laptop and Itsuki sat next to him.

"Don't you want to meet them and talk? You probably have so much to discuss"

Itsuki was quite confused. From what he heard Kei really wanted to check on his old teammates but he never did. Why?

"...I left them" he lowered his head. "I can't face them after that. They were treated so badly after that and it's all my fault… I should face some consequences for that. As long as we're making music I feel I can talk with them. I don't know if they're listening but… I am"

The silence lingered for a while.

"You shouldn't blame yourself. You had your reasons. They would probably understand"

"Still… I don't think I deserve their forgiveness. After all of that I can't force them to act like nothing happened… Maybe I'm making it worse. They probably hate me. Sometimes I think… I'm scared that it will all get back at me one day and this time I will be the one left alone"

Itsuki opened his mouth. There were many words he wanted to say, words he wouldn't be afraid to utter yesterday. Now it lingered at the end of his tongue as he became aware that those could be merely lies. No matter how comforting it would be, Itsuki couldn't lie to Kei. He wanted to do something, say something if that would be anybody else they would know what to do. He did not.

"...Do you want to listen to one of VISTY's old songs?" Kei stopped the lingering silence.

Itsuki nodded and took the earphone that was offered to him. He was always curious but he didn't want to invade Kei's privacy. Especially because he was never really talking about that. Now that the topic became music he looked more like his normal music loving self. Absorbed in melodies and lyrics, completely ignoring his surroundings. He saw Kei in that state many times and that alway made him feel so proud he is making music for 1Nm8.

First verse began but Itsuki was deep in thought. Maybe he should never tell him. Maybe he shouldn't look for proof and leave it as it is. Even if it was true he should keep it to himself. Kei didn't deserve it.

Before his eyes finally closed, Itsuki had one last thought. As if using this one short moment between reality and dreams the truth he didn't want to acknowledge slipped up.

Maybe he wasn't doing it for Kei. Maybe he was doing it for himself.

***

Itsuki opened his eyes. For a moment everything he remembered seemed like a dream he just woke up from. That was until he fully awakened. Itsuki got on his feet making the blanket he was covered with fall.

He was in the kitchen. Right, he was talking with Kei and then… So, he fell asleep.

Itsuki looked at the clock. It was late. At this hour he would normally be after breakfast, shower and other things. Luckily it wasn't time to make dinner yet. He started to calculate what he should do now to make up for this delay.

It wasn't only that. There was something else he needed to check. He needed to know.

Itsuki picked up the blanket. Could it be that Kei covered him with it? Even though he fell asleep after Kei opened up to him. His mouth's corner went up a bit just to fall to its old position again. Why did it have to be like this?

Slowly he moved to the counter. There was a plate with food there. Was it for him? No, why would anyone make him food?

However he needed to focus on something else right now. There was one method he thought of. One method to check. Itsuki looked down on the kitchen's trash can. The moment he saw it he understood that his plan was never going to work. He wouldn't reach in there. Even in gloves searching for something in trash was something he just couldn't do. No. Shouldn't he at least try? No. He was sabotaging his own plan but…

"Oh, you woke up!"

Itsuki's eyes widened as he saw Rokuta. Same as always, smiling and full of energy.

"Something wrong with the trash can? It seems okay to me"

"No, it's fine. Good morning, Rokuta"

All the tension in Itsuki's body started to disappear. Nothing changed. What he thought was a memory was probably just a phantom reaction's side effect. A false memory. It seemed probable.

"Good morning, Itsuki!"

That was when all of the hope left him. His brain was still processing what he just heard. It could be… It didn't have to validate his theory. Still he had to calm himself down somehow. He wasn't expecting this. It had to be a coincidence. Itsuki knew he had to stop panicking so he just put his hand on the counter and tapped. Five times, ten, fifteen.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Kei-nii told me to tell you that he made you breakfast if I see you awake. Hm, maybe I should eat something too, I'm hungry"

Itsuki blinked more than he averagely did. Breathing also came with more difficulty. Yet he calmed himself and answered.

"Thank you for telling me. I still have to take a shower. If you want to eat a snack, you can find some on the highest refrigerator shelf or in the second cabinet to the left. I can make you something after I shower-"

"Thanks but I can do something myself. Kei-nii teached me one very easy recipe when we were younger. It was so much fun to do it together! Uh, it feels like I haven't made it for years. I need to get Ken-nii to help!"

Rokuta half-walked half-jumped to Kei's room. Now that Itsuki's conversation with him was cut off he decided to finally go take a shower.

That wasn't enough evidence. There were still too many things that didn't add up. However, no matter how unimportant and minor it seemed, Itsuki couldn't stop thinking about one thing.

Rokuta called him Itsuki.

***

This day was so out of order. Itsuki almost breathed a sigh of relief when he finally got back to his routine. Almost.

He was too busy trying to rationalize that what he remembered wasn't true. All that happened wasn't decisive enough. It could all be a coincidence, right?

He built walls of logic in his head as he was getting ready to go shopping with Rokuta. It was almost 6 p.m. after all. Just like always, nothing changed. Everything was back to normal now. He added bricks to the wall keeping him collected.

When he entered the living room Kei and Rokuta were sitting on the couch. Even Itsuki, who wasn't good at reading the room, noticed they both seemed more carefree than usual. Like complete opposites of him. Despite the circumstances watching them made the tension in his body lessen a bit.

"I was so scared when you fell down the stairs back then"

"I wanted to see how fast I could get from one floor to another but then I… I don't know what happened but I sorta rolled down!"

"You didn't even get a scratch from that somehow. Still you walked stairs very carefully for… at least a week after that" Kei giggled softly.

Itsuki didn't want to get in the way of them reminiscing. Especially that Rokuta didn't remember any of it for such a long time. Now that he recalled everything Kei could finally have his brother back in full. However, it was almost 6 p.m.. He opened his mouth but Kei started talking first.

"Oh, it's that late already. Have a nice walk, I'll go make some-"

"Huh, what walk? Are we going somewhere?"

Rokuta had troubles with his memory for a long time. Maybe the fact that Kei finally got to talk with him about their childhood was why it surprised him. Maybe it was the fact that he never forgot about their grocery trip before. Itsuki's mind was, unlike Kei's, clear of any confusion. It was to be expected.

"Grocery shopping. I can go by myself if you want to talk more. That won't be a problem"

"That will be a problem if you have to go alone. I have to get back to making tracks anyway. I think I got new ideas"

Kei stood up but Rokuta catched his sleeve.

"Can you go with us, Kei-nii? Please"

Kei looked from Rokuta to Itsuki as if he was conflicted. Itsuki nodded slightly to let him know it was fine.

"Okay, I'll go too"

"Yay!" Rokuta ran towards the door faster than they could even take a single step.

"Should I take something?"

"I have everything already"

And with that they left the house. Itsuki closed the door and checked five times if they were really locked. When he turned he noticed Rokuta was already walking away, dragging Kei with him. Luckily he managed to catch up to them.

They were continuing the talk they stopped in the living room. Kei occasionally tried to make Itsuki join the conversation but somehow it always drifted back to the two of them. That was the way things should be.

Walking only made him think about more and more things he didn't consider before. Maybe these two should stay like this. If Rokuta completely forgot about the experiment he would be living a better life, right? They deserved happiness. He wanted them to be happy. Maybe if he left and forgot about this unproven truth they could just stay like that. Living their lives like before everything went awfully wrong. He would… He would be fine on his own. He would, right?

Before Itsuki could answer his own questions they made their way to the shop. It was nearby but it still felt faster than usual.

Itsuki pulled out his shopping list and they started to walk through the alleys. The shop was rather small and quiet so Kei didn't have to wear his earphones. Also prices here were low so Itsuki liked shopping here. He remembered when they could barely afford food after leaving the facility. Now they could buy more than just essential supplies. Rokuta always checked every item that caught his attention. He broke many things this way. Itsuki would try to explain their budget to him but somehow they ended up going over it more and more often. Still he liked grocery shopping. Everything seemed normal again. Even if only for a while.

"Hey, everyone look at that"

Itsuki didn't even notice when Kei got to the small jewelry stall. This shop really did have everything. You would expect it to be extremely poor quality but it didn't look like that. Itsuki never paid much attention to this stall. He was aware of it but sometimes he couldn't help but think about phantometals while looking at it.

Kei picked up some set of three rings.

"It's a matching set with sun, moon and stars. Exactly for three people. I just thought it would be nice if we had something like that… but I don't know if you want to-"

"Let's take it" Itsuki agreed almost without thinking.

It came like some sort of a thoughtless instinct. The more he thought about it the more it seemed like a horrible idea but he couldn't say that…

"Wow, it's so pretty. I wanna have a matching with you guys!" Rokuta took the set from Kei while smiling brightly.

He usually was looking happy and all but somehow he seemed even more now. Like someone without any worries or bad memories. Like a perfect human being who has never experienced pain. But could someone like that even exist?

Rokuta was still holding the ring set on their way back. He only let go of it when they had to pay but still he did kind of unwillingly. Slowly he started opening the box.

"Maybe we should wait until we get home and use scissors?" Itsuki asked, knowing it would be way more efficient.

"But I want to wear it now!" he forcefully opened the package "Wow, who would've thought I have this much strength"

Probably everybody, himself included. Itsuki thought, but it only made him remember more. If remembering something more was even possible.

Rokuta was holding the rings in his hand. He carefully watched all of them.

"Which one is mine?"

"The Sun" Itsuki and Kei said in unison causing Kei to giggle softly.

It was an obvious choice if you look at the symbolism he once researched.

"Then you should have the one with stars, Kei-nii!" Rokuta placed the ring in Kei's hand.

That also fitted quite well. Well, if you look at this scientifically the Sun is also-

"Then it's the moon for Itsuki. That fits you well" his thoughts were interrupted by Kei.

He wanted to take the ring but he was carrying shopping bags so it wasn't really possible.

"Thank you. I'll put it on at home"

However, as he was saying this Kei took the shopping bag from him and put the ring on his finger.

"It's good the size fitted all of us. Now we're all matching"

They stopped for a moment and looked at their rings. It was a plain silver ring with a little engravement on it. Simple yet appealing. Itsuki looked at the rest next. Kei had three small stars on his and Rokuta-

How could he not notice that before? Or maybe to put it better, the lack of it.

All of this nice atmosphere seemed like a warning he failed to notice. The feeling of safety that Itsuki always got from being with the rest of 1Nm8 was gone.

Only the truth remained and there was not escaping from it.

At least for him.

"Hey look, a cat!" Rokuta screamed and went in the opposite direction.

Itsuki couldn't even stop him right now. Voice just couldn't leave his throat. He just watched him pet the cat in the distance.

"Sorry if I made us go over the budget today and now that detour, I hope that's okay"

Itsuki looked at Kei. Even now he was worrying about not causing him any trouble. Now that his brother remembered his past he could finally live a good life. He fulfilled his role and he deserved rest. Yet was making him live a beautiful lie really okay?

"Kei… If knowing the truth would have the power to destroy the life you live right now, would you prefer to be lied to?"

Kei's eyes widened and he stayed silent for a while. He looked at Rokuta running after a stray cat without a care in the world. Kei had the same look he always had when he was really deep in thought. He was clearly taking the question seriously.

Slowly his eyes landed on Itsuki. His face showed marks of distress.

"I don't know"

***

It was 11 p.m. so Itsuki had to open the checkbook. All this time he tried to avoid looking at the receipt. He knew what he would see if he did. He tried to take one of the older ones from the trash to gain some proof earlier but now he had a brand new receipt right in his hand. That piece of paper could decide what was true and false, he just had to look at it.

But Itsuki already knew. Everything added up and when he noticed the lack of that one thing today… He couldn't rationalize it anymore.

Still what if he won't look at the receipt? What if he could tore it and throw it away or burn it so it would be gone for good? Neither of those would change the truth. The only thing he could change was if he knew it or not.

Itsuki turned the receipt and… he wasn't surprised. He wasn't surprised so why did it make him hold his breath? He wasn't surprised so why did he feel cold sweat on his forehead?

It all already happened. It was too late to change it. He knew that. The only thing that changed was that now he was aware of it. It's better than living a lie, right? So, why? Why did he wish he didn't know?

He shouldn't even consider telling Kei. Itsuki should just go somewhere far away and let him and Rokuta be together like nothing ever happened. Like there was never any experiment.

He looked at the ring on his finger. After returning home from shopping they all had a normal day today. Rokuta seemed more distant but he was there. You would think they had a future as 1Nm8. That they could help people with their songs and finally end the production of phantometals. Everything went well but it was too good to be true after all.

He turned the ring five times to the left and then five times to the right. After everything he went through in Alter Trigger facility, leaving and living somewhere alone quietly was nothing. So why? Why was it so hard to let go? Was it because it was all his fault?

Suddenly he heard quiet knocking. He turned towards the door. That surely was unexpected. He wasn't really in the right condition to talk to anybody. Nevertheless he took the handle and slowly opened the door. It was dark outside, nobody bothered to turn on the light. Still he saw Kei standing there. Only dim light of the moon reaching from the window illuminated his face. What was usually a calm and gentle expression became way more tense. They stared in each other's direction without saying a word. Itsuki noticed that Kei's hands were shaking slightly.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course"

They were both talking so quietly it could be considered whispering. Communicating more through gestures than actual words. As if they were afraid of something. Still they clearly heard each other. Kei now stood in the middle of the room looking at Itsuki closing the door behind him. After he closed it Kei took a deep breath and looked at him with fear but also conviction.

"I want to know"

Despite him looking uneasy he didn't sound like he could be persuaded out of it. Kei definitely thought it through. If only Itsuki didn't say anything to him before…

"I know something is wrong. I can feel that and it may hurt but… I need to know"

"Kei, are you sure? Once you know there won't be going back. You can still go back to your room and act like nothing ever happened"

"I'm sure"

There was no use trying to make him forget about it. Not after he himself noticed something was off. Still he shouldn't tell him. Kei had no idea what the price of this knowledge was. He shouldn't keep the truth away from him but…

"I… don't want to tell you"

He used the last argument he could. So different from what he would normally say yet the most true one.

"Itsuki, please" Kei was almost begging "It's… It's about Rokuta, right? Please, I… I need to know"

There was no turning back now. Not when Kei was asking like that.

Words couldn't get through his throat. Itsuki took five deep breaths and finally opened his mouth to destroy everything.

"Kei… Your brother is dead, he died long ago"

"But… that's not possible… that's… what do you mean?" Kei looked like his brain couldn't process what he just heard.

He didn't know there was a way for that to be possible.

"I forgot about it… No, it was erased from my memory. When they took me to tattoo my phantometal… I wasn't alone"

Remembering the facility made him remember all those terrible things but that was when he met Rokuta. Without him Itsuki didn't think he could survive there. It was Rokuta who started talking to him. It was Rokuta who proposed they shouldn't call themselves by numbers. It was Rokuta who told him it would be okay even though it was just a lie.

It was Rokuta who said he feels something awful is going to happen the night before they were taken to receive their phantometals. Itsuki held his hand all night that day until he fell asleep. He didn't believe Rokuta's words since he thought awful things happened in the facility all the time. He thought there couldn't be anything worse than what was already done to them. He should have believed.

Rokuta was the only reason he didn't lose his sanity there. He should have survived. Rokuta should be telling this story now, not him.

"They took Rokuta there a bit earlier. They were trying to do his piercing but they… they did it incorrectly. It caused hemorrhage. They could still save him but… they… didn't need someone with metal corruption"

One of the facility workers turned in Itsuki's direction. He was making fun of the man who was going to tattoo him saying that he got the harder job. It was just fun for them. Another day at work.

Rokuta was crying. They looked at each other. "Itsuki, i'm scared" he sobbed and Itsuki wanted to hold his hand like before or calm him down somehow but he couldn't.

Both of them had been restricted with belts. All he could do was lay there and talk. Itsuki didn't know what to say. Before he could think of something it started.

The first touch of the needle was the worst but at the same time on the other end of the room the researcher pierced through Rokuta's finger. Rokuta screamed. It was the most haunting scream Itsuki ever heard. It still ringed in his head. The exact tone and volume of it. The exact amount of pain behind that scream. Rokuta's hand was covered with blood. It was more than it should be. There shouldn't be any blood there at all and… his skin was turning that color. The color they saw on the skin of the kids who just disappeared a few days after it showed. They always knew this color meant the end.

Some of the blood dirtied the wall behind Rokuta painting the white they both hated so much in even worse red. Itsuki screamed Rokuta's name and the researcher started cursing. He pierced it wrong. Some people gathered there trying to tame the bleeding. They did not stop tattoing him.

The needle continued to pierce through his skin. About three… maybe four millimeters deep. He could feel the metallic substance. It was so cold. It felt like the walls of his veins were being frozen, leaving just enough heat so his body wouldn't stop working.

The pain made it hard to focus on the other side of the room but he tried anyway. After some time the researchers just stopped trying. He heard whispers. They noticed, of course they noticed. Rokuta was unconscious but he was still alive. Itsuki screamed in pain trying to tell them to leave him and save Rokuta. He screamed that he was still alive. Itsuki tried to break free. He wanted to run. To take Rokuta and escape somewhere safe.

Rokuta was unresponsive. Even if he was conscious he wouldn't have the strength to say anything.

After some time the man who led to the incident finally paid attention to him begging for them to save Rokuta's life. "It's not worth my time. Number six wouldn't make it anyways. That was the fastest corruption I ever saw. He will be more useful dead than alive so shut up" he said in the coldest tone of voice you could ever hear. But Itsuki continued to scream until Rokuta's cardiograph became a straight line.

Then, on the next day, he got to talk to Rokuta again, forgetting that anything happened.

"Phantometals can produce phantom illusions and… that illusion can be a person. There were instances in which that happened. That was one of them. Nobody told me back there, they just got new research material and other subjects were sure that he was really alive" Itsuki took a deep breath, he stopped looking at Keo long ago not wanting to see his expression "Then, when we met you he became your illusion too. I didn't hear about a shared phantom illusion in the facility but… it has to work that way. The truth is you never got to meet Rokuta after the experiment… It's my fault. I'm sorry. I'm-"

He couldn't talk about that now. He shouldn't even try and justify himself so he got back on the topic. Now that Itsuki started he had to say all of this. He felt like he wouldn't be able to do that more than once.

"When I remembered I didn't believe it. I thought that it could be a false memory or something like that. However, the moment I remembered he stopped being my illusion. The only reason he was still there was because he stayed as, this time, only your illusion. Him acting differently could be a coincidence, same with him remembering his past so clearly. But… his phantometal is gone. When I looked at his hand today it didn't have any marks. Also I checked the receipt and we never actually bought Rokuta's food. I tried to get an old one to check it again but no matter how I look at it… That is the truth. This is the only logical conclusion…" he paused for a moment "I'm sorry for telling you"

Itsuki just felt like had to add that part. Now that he finished he could finally look at Kei. He didn't interrupt him even once through the entire story. When Itsuki saw him he wasn't crying, he opened his mouth then closed it then repeated it a few times. Itsuki wanted to say something more, anything. He wanted to react but even though he said it, even though he confirmed it, it still seemed so surreal.

If only he didn't tell Kei. Was it his fault again?

Slowly Kei started walking. He sped up with every step until he was running. Itsuki followed him into Rokuta's room. Part of him thought that maybe they would see him there, same as always.

The room was empty. Absolutely empty. As if nobody ever lived there.

"Rokuta…" Kei's voice was shaking.

He looked through the room probably hoping to find something, anything. There was only one thing in there. Silver ring with the Sun engraved on it. With the dim light you could easily miss it but that had to be that ring. Simply put there as if nobody ever wore it.

Rokuta loved the idea of them having matching jewelry. No, it wasn't Rokuta.

All Itsuki ever saw Rokuta do was suffer through numerous experiments. All he could ever do for him was hold his hand when he was scared but he couldn't save him.

Rokuta never got his freedom back. He remained inside of these white, cold walls forever.

And Itsuki didn't even say goodbye to him.

He even made a false version of him for his own comfort. Why couldn't it be him that died on that day? Then none of that would take place. Then Kei could meet the brother he was looking for. Itsuki lied to him with a happy mirage that was just something projected by him. If only he realized faster…

"Rokuta. I'm so sorry" whispering those words was the only thing he was able to do.

Kei fell on his knees unable to stand anymore. He was sobbing so much He could be hyperventilating right now.

"Rokuta… Minori!"

Itsuki couldn't move. He thought he should help Kei somehow but what could he do? Everything just got destroyed. Happiness he had slipped through his fingers like sand.

Now he could just stand there behind Kei. Just two of them mourning the loss of an illusion.

Time stopped as if both of them just entered eternal night and were never going to see the light of the day ever again.

***

At night everything still felt more like a dream. Itsuki stared at the sun rising behind his window as if to shed the light on the truth.

When he was finally able to move he left Rokuta's room. He knew Kei didn't want to see him. Not after all of this. Not after he failed to protect his brother.

When he closed his eyes he saw Rokuta dying in the white room. When he opened them he remembered every happy moment he thought they shared after leaving the facility. Both were painful but he decided to keep them wide open.

He thought it was fate that brought them together. He didn't believe in things like fate but in this case he really thought they were destined to live together. That after all of this they could be happy as a group. If it really was fate then it was a cruel one.

He wanted to do something. He wanted a task he could control but there was nothing. He kept turning his ring five times to the left, five to the right. Except for this small movement he wasn't moving at all. Like a broken machine that wasn't needed anymore.

Maybe Rokuta would open the door saying he was just on his late night walk? Maybe his things weren't there because he threw them away for some reason? Maybe he removed his piercing and forgot to tell them?

No matter how hard he tried, those weren't theories. Those were just lies.

He should probably leave now. Maybe he could contact Kei's family? Maybe his old teammates would take care of him? Now there was no reason for Kei to want him here. There were more not to. All these happy memories they shared became sad. How could they continue to work as a group if they weren't complete? How could they look at each other without remembering…? Itsuki could live alone somewhere…

He started breathing heavily as if he could have his trap reaction again. He cared about them. He thought they would always be together. That the three of them were one. So why? Why did it have to end up like this? It was him. He didn't save Rokuta.

His hand was cold. As cold as it was that day. As if someone's warm hand let go of it.

Didn't they suffer enough? Wasn't their goal of ending phantometals good? Was fate truly cruel or did nothing of it really matter?

Itsuki didn't even notice when he got on the floor. He used all his remaining strength to get up. He needed to leave. For Kei's sake. He couldn't do anything for Rokuta so if he could do anything to help Kei… He had to.

Suddenly the door opened. Rokuta was the only one who always entered without knocking but… of course it wasn't him.

Kei entered the room. He slowly walked towards him and put his hands on Itsuki's shoulder. His eyes were red and he could feel his hand violently shaking.

Was he there to make him go away? Did he want to scream at him for everything he had done? He had every right to.

"...Itsuki, you're real, right?"

"Huh?" he let something more or less sounding like it escape his mouth

"You're not an illusion too? Tell me the truth. You're real. You're real, right?"

He definitely didn't expect Kei to be concerned about something like that. He didn't reply instantly because of shock.

"Yes, I… I am"

Kei hugged him tightly with his shaking body. He started crying again. Itsuki had no idea what was happening. Why was Kei asking that?

"I was so scared that- I was- I was so scared that you-" Kei's sobs got in the way of him talking.

This time Itsuki could move. He hugged Kei back.

"Take your time" he whispered so quietly Kei could easily miss that he said anything at all.

Kei nodded. At least that's what Itsuki felt on his shoulder. They stayed like that for a while. Itsuki noticed that it wasn't just Kei shaking, he was shaking too.

"I was scared that you'll disappear too" a silent whisper broke the silence.

"Why?"

He just couldn't understand. Wouldn't that be for the best?

"I lost Minori… Rokuta. I can't lose you too. I don't want to be left alone. I don't want our meeting to be a complete lie…"

"Even after everything I did?"

"Are you… blaming yourself? You didn't do anything wrong"

"But-"

"No. You didn't"

Kei hugged him tighter. Itsuki didn't do anything wrong? But what about… what about…?

Could it be that he couldn't do anything? Was it not his fault?

After all of that Kei still cared about him?

"I don't think it was completely fake… the illusion"

"...What do you mean?" Itsuki asked.

"I mean… Those were our memories of him, right? It wasn't just out of nowhere… I want to believe a part of him lived through that. That a part of him… saw freedom at least once"

"You know it's not really rational but… he did act like Rokuta I knew"

They started to talk about Rokuta. About how fitting it was for him to behave a certain way. About everything.

Itsuki started to think that maybe a part of Rokuta really left the facility with him. Even if that part was only his memories of him.

A moment ago he was ready to leave but now… he thought that would be the worst thing he could do. He couldn't just act like none of it happened. He had to remember and… he wasn't alone in that.

Itsuki hugged Kei tighter too.

"I'm… also happy you're real, Kei"

Somewhere in the middle of the sentence he felt a tear flowing down his cheek. Just like that he started crying.