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love’s a tricky feeling, jisung believed for the longest time.
throughout his life, he binged through hundreds of dramas and romcoms and scoffed in frustration at the innumerable manhwas he’s built a collection of, never once questioning his one true faith — to love was to hurt, eventually.
to love was to risk letting someone come to know the most vulnerable part of yours, only to be left irreversibly affected after their inevitable departure.
falling in love was willingly risking a jump down a chasm. if you’ll get the chance to resurface unscathed, heart in one piece, it was hard to guarantee.
falling in love might give you butterflies, might make you feel like life was worthwhile but it was a treacherous feeling nonetheless. and the number of people jisung has seen falling out of love in his lifetime, both in fiction and reality, were enough to solidify his beliefs.
and his skepticism about the longevity of feelings showed up in the songs he wrote- nothing lasts forever - a conclusion that was ever present. and he strung countless words together in tune to a melody to incorporate that message— writing about falling apart, moving on and grieving the loss of what once was. he wrote about betrayal and anguish, about lovers-turned-strangers— or, at least, it was what he used to write about.
lately, jisung’s song-writing has taken a weird turn.
what used to be quiet acceptance and nostalgia strewn across the pages of his notebook, has started to look more like longing and heart-felt confessions. he’d be hit in the middle of the day with inspiration and start scribbling, only to be surprised at his own thoughts expressed on paper. it wasn’t a negative change, albeit it still managed to unnerve him enough to not show his musings to chan.
lately, when all he used to focus on during watching shows was the ending and the hurting of both parties, he’s started to assess their yearning and longing in the characters’ shared gazes instead. unresolved endings used to entail quiet acceptance, but now, they turn to settle at the pit of jisung’s stomach, making him uneasy and upset.
when he voiced out this frustration during one of his and seungmin’s monthly kdrama nights, all the other did was pointedly roll his eyes at him, asking since when did happy endings start to matter to jisung.
and it’s not the happy endings that jisung is particularly hung up on. it’s more about reaching completion — seeing the main characters pining for each other or struggling to find a middle ground. yet always ending up together felt reassuring to him.
it was as if seeing them succeed in relationships that previously seemed unlikely helped jisung feel more confident about his own predicament.
his own predicament being: all his thoughts lately have taken a turn to revolve around a certain bandmate (albeit subconsciously). he’d wake up and toss and turn in bed, hands splayed around him as they search for a familiar source of warmth.
the spark of disappointment that flashes for just a moment is enough to send jisung sitting upright, confused as to why he’s so frazzled about it— it’s not like minho ever stayed in bed as late as him. it was only normal for the older to be up and about his day way before jisung’s version of the day even began.
and more often than before, jisung found himself walking into minho’s room at the other dorm, ready to see the older scoff and shoo at him– ready to be told to go to sleep in his own room for once.
but minho surprises him every night, just shooting a cursory glance at his doorway, before scooting over to make room for the younger in his bed.
surprises jisung more whenever he decides to tug him closer, arms thrown over and around jisung’s body as he mutters ‘good night’ into the quiet of the room. jisung frankly doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it.
lately, every time he looks at minho, jisung feels his heart ache. every time he catches the older looking at him, it’s like live bees are being set loose in his stomach— buzzing around and making jisung feel all fuzzy.
to his own surprise, he doesn’t hate it. rather, he anticipates the rush of blood in his ears whenever minho smiles at him with that twinkle in his eyes; his heart soars high and lodges itself in his throat at minho’s full-blown laughter at his jokes.
love’s not all that complicated when it came to minho, jisung had come to realize. he could spend all eternity spending time with the older, doing whatever because the activities don’t matter so long as minho would occasionally reach out to grab jisung’s hand or hold him close, arm slung around his shoulder.
when it came to minho, loving was just that easy. love was in the way they both shared secret glances and laughs whenever the rest of the group came together to hang out. love was how minho insisted on visiting jisung at least 3 times a week, bringing leftovers or simply to cook for them. the older insists it’s because he knows that they would otherwise live solely off instant ramen at the other dorm; it’s not a baseless worry, but jisung knows it’s mainly due to the fact that he loves to watch jisung eat, if the smitten glint in his eyes is anything to go by.
on multiple nights, they end up rewatching the dramas and movies that were once the basis of jisung’s skepticism about love, and jisung revels in the amused giggles of the older whenever he jokes about his previous thoughts.
he notices he’s not even paying attentions to the shows anymore, catching himself stealing glances at the older multiple times. his own dazedness ties his stomach up in knots when he thinks about it, but he finds it’s out of anticipation and thrill, rather than discomfort.
the realization that he’s in love with minho does not hit him as hard as he thought it would’ve. it’s more reassuring instead, he knows he shouldn’t have to worry about his feelings being reciprocated or if he’s misinterpreting things. because he swears he catches minho looking back at him just as dazed and fond.
but he finds he doesn’t want to live in the uncertainty of the older’s blatant affection and favoritism being merely platonic. he hated watching the characters in the dramas pining cluelessly, and he’s not going to let himself go through that same fate.
being conscious about the consequences of his actions, he’s rightfully a bit afraid as he’s knocking on minho’s bedroom door that night. but he realizes there’s no need to be scared. not when as always, minho meets him halfway there.
he sees the look on jisung’s face, standing at his doorway as he does every night, and realizes in that instant that something’s different about jisung coming tonight. quietly he lets jisung enter and leads them both to sit near the edge of his bed.
he doesn’t question when the younger keeps fidgeting with his fingers— just sits in front of him and offers nothing but quiet reassurance, a warm hand squeezing jisung’s knee.
and he laughs, not unkindly, when jisung’s words keep failing him (can you believe he writes songs for a living?) and just shushes him when his giggles fluster the younger even more. “i know, jisungie,” he says, all warmth and tender love, looking at jisung like he hung the stars and moon in the sky, the fondest of his crooked little smiles tugging at his perfect lips.
and jisung realizes that it was always going to be him, and it could never be anyone but him.
han jisung could never escape the clutches of love and how strongly it seizes at your heart– not when lee minho exists, with his quiet gestures of love and warm embraces.
jisung never wants to be in love with anyone else but him.
he tells the older as much, later into the night, after they’ve both giggled over jisung’s clumsy attempt at confessing.
they’re wrapped up tightly together under the duvet, not so much different than their usual nights, but what’s delightfully different is the way their lips keep finding each other, or any other part of the other’s face.
jisung doesn’t remember feeling so light ever in his life, so close to floating off to somewhere, his face and body equally warm and alight. finds himself slowly give in to sleep as minho keeps brushing featherlight fingers over his scalp; the older presses a kiss to his forehead, and jisung hums, feeling so content.
he never wants to stop being in love, not when it’s with minho, not when he knows that minho will always be loving him back.