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Kravitz is living the fucking dream. The fact that he’s so anxious he feels like his teeth are going to fall out one by one and he might be running through cold pudding just sort of sells it. He tugs at his button-up with the tiny skeletons on it, and then gently makes sure his mic pack is still working, for probably the hundred-thousandth time, if we’re guessing in moderation. And then he swipes another apple slice from the craft services table.
“Hey,” the Literal Fucking Actual Taako Taaco says to Kravitz, for real, in real actual meat life. He seems to have appeared out of thin air, like some kind of weather pattern that meteorological science could never have predicted. “You’re accompanying today, yeah? Glad to have you.”
“You’ve never heard me play, I could be garbage,” Kravitz says, deer, headlights, etcetera. “Also, hello.”
“Hello,” Taako repeats, snickering. “I’m sure you’re fine. Otherwise you’d be a different guy.“
Kravitz, so lost in the panic sauce he isn’t sure he isn’t a different guy, just smiles, a horrible, toothy thing like a cornered animal in a bad zoo. Don’t you dare try to give him a bath.
“Taako!!!!!!!!” Magnus, The Magnus Fucking Burnsides, shouts at full volume, and he embraces Taako tightly. Taako looks like a miffed cat, but allows the hug, lifted several entire inches off the ground. His hat makes up for more of his height than Kravitz anticipated. Oh man. Tunnel vision and all, Kravitz might be taller than The Real, Actual, Seriously It’s Him Taako. He feels like he’s falling down stairs in the fourth dimension. “It’s been forever!!!!”
“We did poker like, three weeks ago, man!” Taako says, after finally being dropped to the floor. “Chill.”
“Three long weeks,” Magnus says. “And you never respond to my dog memes in the group chat.”
“What more can I say?” Taako sighs.
“Something a dog would never say,” Merle, no really, it’s Merle Fuckin’ Highchurch, adds, with no context to determine if that makes sense or not. “Right?”
“Right,” Taako says, glancing at Kravitz with a helpfully yeah no I don’t get it either expression. “Anyway, are you two ready to fuckin’ lose? Because I’m gonna win that stupid prize. Gold spray painted ladle or whatever.”
“That was the cooking show, keep up!” Merle says, smiling serenely. “This is an ear, I think.”
“Ick,” Taako says.
“What do you do with an ear?” Magnus says.
“Could pierce it,” Merle muses.
“Prop it up next to your speakers,” Magnus adds, nodding.
“Right,” Taako repeats. Skeptical.
“Okay, get ready for cues in fifteen?” Ren, a sweet production assistant calls, and everybody scatters. Kravitz starts his breathing exercises and thumbs through the Song Binder.
“Ladies, Gentlemen, freaks of indeterminate nature,” Lucretia’s voice echoes throughout the set. “People who are regular, also, and have no connection to any of those categories. Tonight, we have: getting away with the crime of the century by sheer force of will, it’s Taako Taaco!”
Taako disappears through the glowing outline of the on-set door. Kravitz’s heart pounds. He’s so pretty. So fucking pretty. His eyes made Kravitz feel like eating glass for funsies. His billowing pirate blouse and short shorts and thigh high boots are permanently burned into Kravitz’s vision, which the Costco optometrist will certainly have to comment on in December.
“Building a treehouse in the broccoli from your stir fry, it’s Magnus Burnsides!” The musclebound goober disappears too, slamming the door resoundingly behind him. Kravitz tries counting. Four, eight, twelve, sixteen…….twenty. Twenty-four, twenty-eight….thirty. Two. Maybe fours isn’t quite what he needs.
“And evangelizing the cartoon children in your cereal commercial, it’s Merle Highchurch!”
Seven. Fourteen. Twenty-one. Twenty-eight……seven plus twenty-eight…Kravitz is going to lose it. He shakes out his hands. This isn’t his thing. How did he end up here??? These people are famous. Hundreds of thousands of people watch this show online. He should have stuck with spreadsheets and his Youtube channel. Kravitz doesn’t belong here. What is he thinking??? These people have talent, and he’s just a music nerd.
Wait no, that’s stink-garbage thinking. He’s a genius. Beethoven would kiss the floor he walked on. Kurt Cobain would smile at him. He’s a musical genius. He knows sounds, lots of sounds. Most of ‘em, even. You name a sound, and he’d be like, yep. I know it.
This isn’t helping either.
“And on the piano, for one night only, it’s Kravitz Queen!”
Someone in all black with a surveillance in their ear like the mother-fucking secret service and five times as dedicated shoves Kravitz bodily through the door. He grins and waves at the cameras and pretends it isn’t exploding time, and that never shall his viscera touch the cheapass carpet and carefully painted set. In fact, he’s so comfy-casual he could be wearing his pajamas. He’s so in his element they could name another one after him. Earth, Wind, Fire, Air, Kravitz on the Keys.
Yeah. That’s nothing.
He takes his seat behind the piano and tries to vibrate quietly so he won’t be told off by one of the scary production assistants. Ren gives him a smiley thumbs up from the dark side of the set, but he knows it’s his ass on the line if he fucks up and makes them go again. Hoo boy.
“They’re all here to…Make…some…noise!!” Lucretia waves with lots of drama, absolutely dripping with it. There’s a pause, for cutting in the intro, and then she gives a small smile right to camera. “Welcome to Make Some Noise, the game so good we spun it off…unchanged. I’m your host, Lucretia, bringing balance to the planes in ways no one could have ever anticipated. I have here over one hundred and fifty props in this karaoke binder–-artists that exist in real life, but songs that don’t.”
“Groundbreaking,” Taako says, leaning heavily on his podium. Kravitz admires his nametag, written in chalk marker on his sign, harsh, angular capital letters spelling T-A-A-K-O, with a winky face where he mis-aligned the kerning. Merle’s is written in nearly illegible cursive, and Magnus’ is in roughshod block letters that squish to the end like a bad happy birthday sign. Did they not give him a second go at it, or was he like, eh, good enough? Who could say.
“They will, to the best of their ability, fulfill these songs, I will award them corresponding points, and the winner will take home the coveted Golden Ear, which is a real actual prize people want, and not some bullshit we made up, we promise.”
“I’d kill or die for that ear,” Magnus says confidently.
“You might,” Lucretia responds, without even a breath. She looks fucking immaculate in her dark blue suit, and her gaze is intense. Man, these improv people really are fast. Kravitz already feels out of his league. He looks at Taako, at Taako’s dinosaur-shaped bolo tie, at his glittery purple nails. He looks at Merle and Magnus, who are also there. “Players, are you ready for musical violence?”
“Always,” Merle says sweetly. “It’s going to rain blood.”
“Weather or not that’s the case,” Lucretia quips, “We have shit to do, so let’s get rolling.”
“Transformers, do the shit,” Taako jokes.
“That’s definitely how it goes,” Magnus says, through laughter. “As Optimus Prime always said, do the shit. ”
“I feel like I was pretty clear,” Taako says, folding his hands atop his podium. Kravitz struggles not to crack up. “I’m a car-toon connoisseur.”
“Taako, I’m going to hand you this karaoke binder, and you’re going to pick a song to improvise for us. Take a long look, because there’s a lot to explore, because this show is run by absolute dork-ass nerds. So when you’re ready, and no rush, just read me the code.”
“Well,” Taako says, thumbing through the binder. “Luckily, in this reality, I can sing.”
“It was a pre-requisite,” Lucretia says, so fucking calm Kravitz could bounce quarters off of her. His heart is pounding, knowing his time is coming. He’s going to barf, except he won’t, mostly because he’d be yelled at. No. No, he’s going to have fun. He wanted to do this. He volunteered. Well, they’re paying him. And it’s no joke, either. He’s getting to do his favorite thing with famous people for real life money because he’s good at it, and that’s hard for anxiety to chew up, but the acid of his nerves is eating through solid concrete.
He’s gotta relax. He’s an expert. This is going to be good. Great, even. And if it isn’t good, they won’t publish it, so there.
"Oh my god," Taako muses.
"Hustle, we're losin' daylight!" Merle calls.
"Eat my ass, old man, you're gonna shit yourself when you see these options."
"I already know what I'm doing," Merle says confidently. "420."
"I think she said there were a hundred in there, Merle," Magnus stage whispers.
One hundred fifty. Kravitz is chill. So chill.
“Give me….” Taako flips through the pages, and then winks at Kravitz. Kravitz feels insane. “Nineteen.”
“Ooh,” Lucretia says, very seriously. A graphic comes on the big screen that says “I’M REGULAR” and then beneath it, Neil Diamond. So obviously Kravitz cracks his knuckles and starts playing something like Sweet Caroline, looking anywhere but at Taako.
The other boys whistle and cheer, and Taako slams his hand down on his podium. He takes a deep breath and starts to sing in a warm, not quite Neil Diamond but certainly not unpleasant voice–
“I’m feeling odd, and it’s hard not to notice
I don’t want you to notice too.” He stretches out the note, and Kravitz can’t help but look at him fondly. Except nope, he’s looking right at Kravitz, who casts about and ends up at Lucretia, who looks quietly delighted by this development. Taako continues.
“You’re so normal
And so are your friends and neighbors
Am I a guy or a horrid goo?
Nerves, stress gets worse,
Fakin’ it, makin’ it, at- what- cost?”
Taako takes another deep breath as Kravitz hammers into the chorus.
“I’M REGULAR, ” Taako belts, and obviously Magnus, Merle, Lucretia, and the majority of the crew holler the BA BA BAAA. “ No one notices my flaws. Normal, like you ,”
“BA BA BAAA.” Kravitz even joins in. This is good. He’s getting a good grade in crowd pleasers. He’s having a good time, actually, and no longer feels like his guts are having a liquidation sale and everything must go.
“Give me applause,
For pretending that it’s true… ” Taako continues. Kravitz cannot believe he’s just doing this, coming up with this off the dome. For funsies. And also money. Maybe that helps.
“I’m gonna explode
I’m not, I like minimalism
And Tiktok, probably, too.
I can small talk.
I can do tasks and chores and
I can get out of bed by choice.
Calm, I’m so calm.
Normal Guy. Normal talk, normal act!”
Kravitz really gears up, the keyboard absolutely shaking as he gets intense. He’s lost in the sauce now, not looking at anybody, just making the music happen in his head and letting the rest of the world share in the experience for once.
“I’m regular (BA BA BA)
No one notices my flaws
Normal, like you (BA BA BA)
Give me applause
For pretending that it’s true
I’m regular (BA BA BA)
I promise I’m for real
I’m regular (BA BA BA)
I can be a human guy.”
Kravitz concludes the song, as Taako finally lets go of the last note. He rests his shaking hands in his lap and smiles. Taako bounces excitedly and thumps a fun rhythm on his podium.
“Probably,” he adds.
“Known regular guy, Taako Taaco, starting us out with a killer tune.”
“Man, were The Killers in there? Can I go back?” Taako moans.
“No,” Lucretia deadpans, “Only forward, ever forward. You can carry your mistakes with you, though.”
“Damn.” Taako props his head up and grins at Magnus. “Follow that, bitch.”
“You know I’m gonna!” Magnus hollers. He grabs the binder and marvels at it, oohing and ahhing. “Oh my god, Chips for Dinner by Nicki Minaj…no…Payday Payday Payday by ABBA–NO!! No!! Ah- how do I decide!!”
“Well, stop spoiling the surprise, numbnuts,” Lucretia says casually. “And give me a number.”
“Fuck- um. Augh! I’ve gotta do…eleven.”
Lucretia activates this on the board, and “Lost In Home Depot” by Survivor shows up, flashing cheerfully. Everyone oohs. Ahhs, even.
“Wait, can I switch to DMV by Ke$ha?”
“Nah,” Lucretia says, pointing at the screen. “It’s already in. Kravitz?”
Kravitz briefly entertains that missed opportunity, and then starts in on a very Eye of the Tiger beat. He hopes they can add more instruments in post. Can he be part of that? That sounds like fun. Hang on, can he get a drum set going??? Please??
He pounds on the keys, hoping it sounds sick as hell and not cheesy. The intro solo fucking rules. Taako and Merle headbang along with him, and he grins, absolutely loving this.
Magnus pretends to roll up sleeves. He is not wearing sleeves.
“Rolling up, looking for wood
In the local Home Depot
My wife had absolute faith that I could
Go alone and get out alive.
But every time, I get turned around
The lighting aisle gets me distracted
Every walkway I seem to turn down
Must be four hundred and five .”
He starts doing incredibly dramatic actions to go along with his made up song. This is so fun. They’re just doing this. Kravitz can’t believe he gets to play with people who can just bullshit this kind of thing out of nothing. They’re like clowns, pulling colored scarves out of their asses ad infinitum, and oh, what a show.
“Okay, I’m lost in Home Depot,
I have to admit
I walked in to get just one item
I might never see the sunset
I’m gonna lose it,
Please, I’m seeking asylum–from the aisles….of Home Depot.”
He strums his air guitar intensely, getting way into it. And then he stumbles into the next line, making a face like it’s just sort of impulsively coming out of his mouth without any of his personal input.
“Turned around, can’t find the potty,
Might piss my pants quickly.
I’d call for help but reception is spotty
I’m starting to break out in hives.”
He repeats his chorus, which is truly fucking bonkers. Merle takes over the air guitar, and Taako pretends to handle the drums. Lucretia bops along to the beat Kravitz is stomping like a metronome had a baby with a bobblehead.
Kravitz tries to nod that he’s closing out. Magnus rushes to finish his story.
“Oh I’m saved, an orange vest saw me,
He asked if I needed rescue.
Got my wood and now I’m paying the fee
It turns out I might just survive!
I got lost in Home Depot,
I have to admit
I walked in to get just one item
The sun has already set,
I got what I needed.
Next time I must bring a guide…for the aisles….of Home Depot.”
And then he does a powerslide, on the bad carpet. Everybody winces, but Magnus is so lost in the sauce he probably won’t realize his knees hurt until later.
Everybody claps. Magnus takes a few bows from his knees, almost toppling over, and Taako snickers.
“Based on real experience I have to presume?” Lucretia teases. “Did you ever find the potty, Magnus?”
“Why would you say such a thing to me?” Magnus puts a hand to his chest, fake scandalized. It takes a moment for him to get up, and Taako does a fun stretch and wiggle, waving at Kravitz.
“Can we take a mooooment,” Taako draws out, and gestures at Kravitz. “Krav over there- hey, did y’all notice? I didn’t at first. Did ya’ll notice he doesn’t have any music in front of him? He’s just doing it? He’s just going the distance?”
“Oh, yeah, no, if we were being fair with points,” Lucretia says, “Kravitz would be the winner every time. Your dumb bullshit fucks and all, but Kravitz is carrying you big babies on his shoulders like Atlas.”
“Famous babysitter, Atlas,” Taako laughs, which draws attention away from the fact that Kravitz’s face is absolutely burning.
“Oh yeah, he’s so good with the kids, but don’t ever ask him to pick dinner, cause he’ll just shrug.” Merle grins. Taako boos his bad joke. Magnus tosses him the binder, which thumps loudly on the podium and nearly hits him.
“Pick a song, old man.”
“Uhhh, row row row your boat.” Merle snickers, and then flips through the pages. “Man, you two weenies weren’t kidding. Mmm…there’s a bunch of people I don’t know in here.”
“Merle only listens to dad music,” Taako says, straight to camera.
“Oh yeah, like, dad music from the stone age,” Magnus jumps in.
“Fuckin-”
“Joke pending?” Lucretia asks. Magnus grins. Taako waves at them to shut up as he screws up his face.
“Is Caveman rock anything?”
“Classical music?” Magnus tries.
It’s kind of wild to watch them fumble. This must be the kind of thing they cut for time. And embarrassment.
“Rust?” Kravitz provides.
They all look at him and he starts powersweating again.
“You know, like metal, but- old?”
There’s a beat, and they all lose it. Kravitz can’t help but laugh, watching Taako pound on his podium and Magnus fully sit on the floor.
“You have no respect for my experience!” Merle protests, but he looks amused. “Why, when I was listening to wax disks and jamming out to the latest tunes, I-” he cracks a little, snickering. “I remember this one for sure. Luce, give me…Forty-nine.”
“Oh my god,” Lucretia says, as serious as tree law. “This is going to be incredible.”
The screen flashes, and whatever could possibly load up, but Wretched Salad Bar by none other than Wheatus of Teenage Dirtbag fame, which is absolutely the vibe Kravitz has to bring.
Taako looks near fucking tears with mirth. Magnus looks between Kravitz and Merle in terrified glee.
Merle smiles serenely, and opens his mouth, angelic, almost, and croons.
“I thought I’d eat well,
I thought I’d have lots of options
I’ll try not to dwell,
I don’t want to bug anyone.
But I need to confess
Get this shit off my chest
I’m not happy with the salad bar,
I’m so mad I might sit in the car, actually
Cause this is a wretched salad bar, baby,
It’s got no tomatoes, and why’s there gravy?
I want a refund, but not before some soup.”
Taako and Magnus, who fucking lost it at the gravy, catch their breath to add a little Ooo-oo-oo-ooooh. Merle, pleased to have landed, continues.
“Oh salad…
I don’t know what I’m missin’.
It’s so bad,
But maybe there’s somethin’ missin.
I don’t want a steak,
I want what I ordered, Mildred,
I just want to take
A moment to ask some questions
What’s with the pudding?
And no lettuce seen
I just want some veggies and ranch
But I don’t think I’m getting that plan, am I?”
Taako and Magnus try to join in fro the chorus, but Merle changes it on them–
“Cause this is a wretched salad bar, baby,
I think I might actually go fully crazy,
I want a refund, but not before some soup.”
“Ooooooooooh,” Taako adds, barely holding it together. Kravitz laughs, but tries to hold it in. He’s got a job to do. He can’t crack up like the stars.
“Oh salad,,
I don’t know what I’m missin’.
It’s so bad,
But maybe there’s somethin’ missin.
Man, I can’t believe
When Mildred brought out the check
Before I could leave
Or ask her what the heck
She charged me a lot
Thirty bucks I ain’t got
I should have taken more gravy
I’m never returning, do you hear me, lady?”
And Merle, of course, never one to shy from a challenge, puts on a falsetto and becomes Mildred, obviously:
“You don’t get our salad bar, baby
This is a feast so don’t be crazy
Pay up for all the gravy you ate, or else.”
Everybody dies laughing when Kravitz hits the final note, and Kravitz has to add the OooooOoOoOo himself, sides aching from not cackling. He can’t stop smiling.
“Can we talk about how you rhymed ranch with plan?” Taako teases.
“Come up with four rhymes for ranch right now,” Merle says, pointing aggressively at Taako. Taako just splits into giggles.
“Kranch,” Lucretia suggests.
“What the hell is Kranch?” Magnus has to ask.
“Ketch-” Lucretia starts, and the whole set is drowned in boos.
She grins, such a rare seeming thing Kravitz feels it wondrous to behold.
“Can I ask?” Magnus starts, and Taako shakes his head no immediately. “Theoretically. How much gravy-”
“Eh, you know, a salad bowl,” Merle says. Everybody gags.
“Taako, back to you, before I die? ” Lucretia prompts.
Merle delivers unto him the big ugly green binder. Taako graciously accepts it and skims to his target immediately.
“I had a good idea,” he says. “Thirty-three.”
“No,” Lucretia says, eyes widening slightly.
“Yeah, baby.”
Try Something New and Tiffany flash on the screen. Kravitz covers a laugh. He’s got some options here, and he tilts his head, thinking.
“C’mon, Krav, you know what I want.” Taako winks at him. Krav?? Krav?? When did that happen??
But also. Obviously. Obviously he knows. He starts in on the intro to I Think We’re Alone Now , because it’s not like there’s another good choice, and he winks at Taako–where did that even come from??
But he likes it.
Again, he wishes he had a drum kit with him. It fucks to hit off that low low start, though, and Taako starts off STRONG. He does the splits and then seductively pulls himself back up, somehow ALSO managing to improv music on the spot, because he’s some kind of fucking insane otherworldly being, probably.
“Try somethin’ new
I promise you don’t have to love it
I just want you to
See if you like the
way it feels and so-”
He makes direct eye contact with Kravitz, who swallows and focuses on playing.
“I’ll open up my magic book
I’ll tell you when you get to look
It may be weird, or nice,
But really, you gotta like
This strange incantation I brewed up for you, my-”
He does a horny little wiggle and then double barrels the camera, before revealing the bonkers choice he’s made–
“Tentacle sex spell
Nothing else is like it, nothing else compares
My tentacle sex spell
It’s gotta flavor blast our horny affairs!”
Everybody loses it, expect Kravitz, who is bound by the fae fucking contract of the show must go on, so he powers through it, only holding in the raucous laughter and mystified arousal he’s working with here might give him a fucking stroke. Taako keeps dancing, slutting it up, really hamming it up.
“Darling, behave, you know exactly where they’re going
Bondage and play,
We’ll take it slow, and so you’ll
Come at least five hundred times
Maybe more if you ask really nice.”
He looks directly at Lucretia, loudly broadcasting the if you want me to stop I’ll stop? But she waves him on, covering her laughter so hard she looks nauseous.
So Taako makes some more choices.
“Forget every dildo you’ve ever touched
You’ll get on your knees, and beg
Cause you love it so so much,
My
Tentacle sex spell
Nothing else is like it, nothing else compares
My tentacle sex spell
It’s gonna flavor blast our horny affairs.”
At some point Kravitz has held his laughter in so hard it’s come out as weeping fucking tears, and they stream down his face as he keeps playing. Taako looks at him with a mixture of horror, fascination, and glee on his face, but rounds it out, obviously-
“Tentacle sex spell
You know you’ll love it, don’t even protest
Tentacle sex spell
Forget your name, I’ll take care of the rest
Tentacle sex spell-”
He trails off, and Kravitz lets the music cease. He can’t catch his breath, tears just running from his eyes, and then he can finally laugh, and he thinks he might fucking choke. One of the PAs actually gives him The Look, but he shakes his head, he’s, probably fine? Probably.
“Jeeeesus,” Lucretia sighs at length. “I- Taako-“
“I couldn’t have- no one could have expected that,” Magnus heaves, from the place on the floor where he started laughing so hard he had to hide behind his podium. Merle snickers, pitched up so high he sounds like he’s gone on some kind of helium spree.
“How the fuck did you get to there from-” Lucretia points at the screen, floored, where it says, again, let’s be clear, Try Something New. And that’s all. “HERE?”
“Well, I got in my little imaginary car, and I drove to the drive thru, and I said, I want something that’ll ruin Kravitz, please, and I gambled and it paid off and I’d like my prize please?” Taako grins, still sort of out of breath.
“Incredible gambit,” Lucretia agrees. “But we’ve got some more insanity coming up. You could still lose.”
“Mmm…” Taako considers this. “No.”
“Magnus,” Lucretia says, ignoring Taako, who fully sits in front of his podium because he’s tired of standing. Comically, Magnus takes the moment to stand up, like they’re trading places.
Ren The Nice PA slips Kravitz a tissue. He wipes the wild amount of tears off his face, trying to be regular. Taako’s song from earlier sticks in his head. I’m regular. Yeah, that’s the energy. Ba-ba-ba.
People are going to fucking watch this show. God.
“MmmmmmmmmMMMMmMMmMMMMmmmmmMMmm. Mm. Give me…three.”
“Hanging Up” by Bad Company flashes on the screen. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, this is Kravitz’s recovering song. He’s got this. He starts off misleadingly sweet, with Feel Like Makin’ Love, which he does not glance at Taako about, probably. He’s not sure. Maybe he was possessed. No one can prove anything.
“This is, let me say, already very good, although slower than I would have predicted from you,” Lucretia says, watching Magnus pose as casually as can be against his podium, holding up a thumb and finger “phone”.
“Shh,” he says. “I’m on call.”
And then he launches right into it.
“Walgreens, I’ve been on hold now
For an hooooourrrrr.
Please, I need my meds filled,
For this mooooooooooonth.
I’ve called Smith’s, and Walmart too,
And Costco fiiiiirst. (Fiiiiirst)
Your pharmacy hold music crimes
Have me dyin’ (dyin) (dyin)
Roughly all day.
Feel like hangin-”
Kravitz pounds on the keys and Taako, Merle, and Magnus all headbang as the song ramps up. Magnus even does the air guitar, as hard as Kravitz has ever seen anyone air guitar, ever.
“Feel like hanging uuup,
Feel like hangin up,
Feel like hangin up,
Feel like hangin’ up!
I feel like hanging up on you!”
He howls it. It’s so funny to see him flip his hair back as the song slows again, and he slouches even further, laying into the next few lines striaghtfaced even as people start snickering with familiarity.
“Walgreens, Adderall is needed
For me to doooo basic tasks.
I’ll bet you have some, don’t conceal it,
You hear me aaaaaaaask.
I hate phone calls, with firey passion
And I’ve been off my meds two days
Please say you have some, then I’ll cash in,
And we can gooo on our way.
Feel like hangin-”
Kravitz is even louder this time, of course.
“Feel like hanging uuup,
Feel like hangin up,
Feel like hangin up,
Feel like hangin’ up!
I feel like hanging up on you!”
Everybody laughs, even the crew, and Magnus perks up, unslouching, and goes, brightly, “Hello??” into his pretend phone. “Yes, I just need a refill, do you have any-”
Kravitz snickers, stretching his hands out. This is great. He’s loving this. The yo-yoing emotionally is a lot, and he’s going to go home and sleep very hard for a long time. But he’s having a blast, actually.
“I’ve never seen anyone hammer a piano like that, Krav,” Taako calls.
“You’re just saying that ‘cause you want to nail him,” Merle teases.
“Whaaaat.” Taako puts a “shocked” hand to his mouth. “Why would you say this.”
“At this rate we’re headed back to get lost in Home Depot.” Lucretia taps on her calculator. “This says I was supposed to be keeping track of points this whole time. As part of the conceit of the thing.”
“You didn’t, though,” Magnus points out.
“No, you’re right, good point, Magnus. I haven’t, in fact, been doing that. Point for you.”
“Oh shit, I’m the only one that has points!” And Magnus does a stupid dance. Taako protests. Merle pounds on his podium.
“My turn! I want points!”
“For the last song of round one, Merle, what are you going to do to us?”
“Oh my god, how many rounds are there?” Taako slumps dramatically on his podium, which he is standing at again, barely.
“Three,” Lucretia says.
“Oh my god,” Magnus and Taako say at the same time.
“Points!” Merle insists. He is handed the big stupid binder. “Man, I’d really like to do Apple Store or Dispensary by Twisted Sister…or…Weed That Makes You Paranoid by Phil Collins-”
“Merle, I swear to god-”
“But I’ve gotta go with number eighteen, Creesh.”
“Uh oh,” Lucretia says, as Priest Regrets by Kermit the Frog comes on the screen. Kravitz snickers, and stretches, and starts a gentle, Rainbow Connection-ass melody.
“Need a banjo in here,” Merle comments, waiting for his cue.
“I’m so afraid,” Taako deadpans. “I’m ready to leave the state.”
“I’ll get my keys.” Lucretia points a pen threateningly at him. “Make good choices, Merle.”
“Don’t I always?” he complains. And then he clears his throat, and busts out an incredible, warbling Kermit Thee Frog voice.
“I went to church camp,
And I went to church school
And now I’ve gotten ordained
So far, it’s pretty great
Lots of free donuts
Plus most of my week still remains
But there’s a problem (I tried to ignore it)
Things just aren’t going my way.”
Everybody braces for Merle’s bullshit. No one could have expected the following:
“I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help it
I miss summoning demons to play.”
Taako sputter laughs in disbelief. Merle teasingly shushes him, and continues to croon, full muppet style. It’s so physically painful to hold the laughter in, Kravitz might be developing some kind of hernia.
“I know what you’re thinking,
I’d be there right with you
Merle, you’re a priest, what the fuck?
But demons are great at things
Like the drum set, and tennis
And I always like pushing my luck
What’s so distressing ‘bout testing my blessings?
I promise I’ll teach them to pray
I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help it
I miss summoning demons to play
I know it’s surely a sin
But it’s so hard to resiiiiii-iist?”
The bridge really sells it, and then Merle, to everybody’s shock and dismay, clinches it, absolutely belting this swamp ass tune.
“Don’t lose the best part
Of summoning demons
It’s not just to pad out my band
Demons have lots of skills,
Like massage and blow jobs
And long walks in warm, sunny sand
Maybe I’ll pray hard and get me a freebie
God can’t say no way, Jose?”
Taako screams. Magnus Screams. The crew fucking loses it. Lucretia chucks a stapler at him, and Merle dodges it, as well as every pen on her desk, which she somehow chucks without losing full composure.
Merle brings it on home, even as he’s ducking office supply props. He’s a little out of breath, which makes it worse.
“I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help it.
I miss summoning demons to play!
Da-da-da-dee-da-da dum
Da-da-da-da-dee-da-da-doooooooo!”
He tries to do the knee slide Magnus did, which just ends in him thumping to his knees on the floor and panting, which is not, you know, better, and Taako, who has fully climbed atop his podium hollering, like there’s a mouse or something on the floor, kind of drowns out his last little croon. Magnus tries to walk fully off stage.
“I’m gonna go-” he yells. “I’m gonna- I’m going to the craft services table, does anyone want anything? Because too bad, I’m not coming back.”
“Negative one THOUSAND points,” Lucretia adds.
“Aw,” Merle says. “I thought my rhymes were juicy.”
“ONE OF THEM WAS NO WAY JOSE??” Taako howls.
Kravitz puts his head in his hands, absolutely shaking with laughter. He feels like he’s going to pass out. He cannot believe this.
“Give me, uh, hey give me Jessie’s girl, cause-” Taako sing-hollers, “I wish that I could injure Merle!”
“Agreed, I wanna injure Merle!” Magnus sings back, half hysterical.
“I think I’m skipping the mini games for time,” Lucretia wheezes, shaking her head, obviously very much amused. Merle has the shit-eatingest grin. “Taako get down, you don’t have insurance.”
“Man, still? I thought we fixed that in post.” He stays right there, and then allows, graciously, Magnus to bodily lift him back to the floor. He doesn’t even acknowledge this, and Kravitz giggles, which is not something he usually finds himself doing at all. He’s a grown man, how many chances does he have to giggle? God, he’s going to lose it.
“What was the mini game?” Magnus needles. “I want more points.”
“You guys wasted too long on the puzzle of picking your fucking songs,” Lucretia says.
“How was I supposed to choose? ‘My phone doesn’t have emojis’ by Panic at the Disco?”
“I did want to hear Merle do ‘Children’s Birthday Party’ by Charlie Daniel’s Band,” Taako concedes.
“I almost did!” Merle points at Kravitz, who humors him with a little Devil Went Down to Georgia action.
“I went to a birthday party
At the devil’s Chuck E Cheese
How the hell could we know
The child casino
Was about to let them free?”
He grins as Lucretia waves at Kravitz to stop, and Kravitz is kind of sad he didn’t get to the sick fiddle solo, which would have been bonkers on a keyboard.
“I also was cooking up one about farting in church-”
“I hate you,” Taako says, fully pulling his shirt over his head.
Merle adopts a soulful Hozier–
“Farted in church
cropdusted from the pulpit on high
I thought I'd be quiet, but that was a lie
I hoped I could pass it off but
On god, there's no one alive-”
“Negative one billion points Merle, I swear to god,” Lucretia, who is nearly shaking with holding in laughter, snaps. “Maybe I will do the mini game so I can take more points from you.”
“Aw, man,” Merle says, in a perfect Charlie Brown.
Lucretia points at the screen, and a graphic appears: JINGLE JAMS.
“You three hooligans are going to look at the image that appears on this screen and propose-”
“On it-” Taako says, pretending to climb over his podium in Kravitz’s direction. Kravitz makes a choking noise he hopes wasn’t super loud. His face burns. Taako nearly falls down laughing.
“I’m going to let prop master Leon come kick your ass,” Lucretia threatens.
“Let him try!” Taako pretends to yawn, and then gets himself stuck in an actual, real yawn. “He can’t even reach my ass.”
Several PA’s bring out buzzers, which are placed on the podiums. Magnus immediately hits his, so Taako hits his, and then Merle plays the bongos on his.
“You three are insufferable.”
“We know. <3” Taako says, out loud, somehow. Magnus pounds his buzzer again.
“If you break it,” Lucretia points her last pen at him. The others still litter the floor in front of Merle’s podium. Merle even kicks one. It doesn’t go very far. “You buy it.”
“Oh shit, can I buy this on purpose??” Magnus bounces, excited. “I need a buzzer for daily life reasons, probably!”
“Propose a fucking jingle to sell the product, got it?”
“Got it,” the boys chime. Magnus hits his buzzer again. Lucretia throws the pen at him. He catches it and holds it in his teeth like a rose.
“First up-” she gestures at the screen. A serious looking graphic that says HANK POCKETS, BUTT LAWYER appears. Magnus’ jaw drops, and the pen falls on his podium.
He slams his button, but Taako gets there first.
“Taako.” Lucretia turns to him.
“Bet your fucking pockets,” Taako croons, “We’ll save your ass.”
“Very good,” Lucretia diagnoses. “Magnus?”
“Butt stuff is our bread and butter!” Magnus hollers at the top of his lungs. Everybody snickers. Kravitz is glad to take a bit of a break, and Ren sneaks him a bottle of water.
“Merle, did you have one?” Lucretia says.
“Oh, uh, fuck, uh-” Merle squints at the screen. “From the bottom to the top, we won’t stop! We’ll get your money and we won’t flop!”
“Ooooh,” Magnus and Taako whisper together.
“Not bad, but I’m gonna have to give this one to Taako for brevity.”
“No butt stuff?” Magnus whines.
“Magnus said on his birthday,” Taako stage whispers. Some guy on the crew laughs way too hard and the sound is abruptly cut off. Kravitz covers a laugh.
“Do all the butt stuff you want, but Taako’s getting the point.”
Taako waggles his eyebrows at Kravitz. Kravitz chokes on his water.
“Can you woo on your own time?”
“They only let me out of the house when I agree to be a clown for public entertainment,” Taako deadpans. “I haven’t been to the dentist in three years.”
“You’re supposed to go to the dentist that often?” Merle mumbles.
Lucretia shakes her head, trying to tuck in a smile. She gestures at the screen again. It changes to a logo for DIET CONCRETE.
Merle pounds his buzzer.
“Merle.”
“No nutrients, no calories,” Merle warbles, “Slorps down your throat with ease, it’s, ba-dum, da-dum, Diet Concrete!”
“Hate it,” Lucretias says. “Boys, defeat this.”
“Uhhhhh…oh wait, I’ll go.” Magnus punches his buzzer.
“Maggie.”
Magnus does jazz hands. “Magnus!”
“Wh-”
“That’s the sound of my buzzer. MAGNUS! Anyway,” he takes a deep breath, and then goes–”It’s the smoothie that finishes you! Diiiii-et concrete.”
“Mmmmm.”
Taako buzzes in.
“Taako. Briing it on home.”
“Doo, do-do-doo, diet concrete, get it right! For the pica cravings late at night!”
“Not bad!” Lucretia cocks her head. “Not bad at all. Point again for Taako.”
“What’s pica?” Merle whispers. Magnus shrugs exaggeratedly.
“Ridiculous,” Taako says. “It’s a condition that makes you eat weird shit.”
“Oh, like dark weed.”
“Man, Merle, we need to talk to your plug again,” Magnus says, fake seriously, and then snickers. "Okay, no more weed jokes." He barrels straight to camera. "Merle is regular and not a pothead."
"Make choices for yourself, skippy!"
“Taako’s winning,” Lucretia points out.
“Oh fuck!” Magnus squares up. “Time to get serious.”
“Yeah, serious on this show,” Lucretia says. She gestures at the board and it changes to the final logo, CHORE ZAPPER.
“I need that,” Kravitz says under his breath. The others laugh. He feels embarrassed they noticed, but pleased it hit. This is kind of nice. Camaraderie, almost.
“Definitely,” Taako says. He hits his buzzer. “Choooooooore zapper!” he sings, Oklahoma style. “For the piles of laundry on your floor-”
“Good,” Lucretia says.
“I’m not done, let me, uh, let me finish, please?” Taako takes a deep breath and sings it even louder. “CHOOOOOOOOORE ZAPPER! For the piles of laundry on your floor! Zap the crimes away, spend more time being gay, it’s the best tool you could ask for.”
Lucretia gasps.
“I wanna punish you for your insolence, but that does, indeed, fuck. Boys, are you going to allow this?”
Magnus pounds his buzzer.
“Magnus!” he says, for his buzzer, which also, let’s get this straight, did fully buzz.
“Magnus,” Lucretia nods.
“Chore zapper, chore zapper!” he sings, Earth Angel style. “Your dishes are ash, lay on the couch, don’t take out the trash!” He takes another deep breath, but Lucretia says,
“I’m going to cut you off there.”
“Man, I could keep going.”
“I’m sure you could, because you’re the kind of freak nerd we invited on this bonkers show.” Lucretia grins.
Merle gently taps his buzzer.
“Merle!” he says in a stupid voice, like a Pokémon.
“Don’t steal my bit, old man!”
“Merle, go.”
Merle starts doing air guitar and making noises with his mouth. “Chore Zapper,” he says, a la B-52’s Rock Lobster. “It’s not a CHORE,” he says, in a perfect imitation. “If you zap it out of this world! Candy wrapper? NO! Chore Zapper!” He dances, shaking his ass to his own mouth noises, and repeats, “Chore Zapper! Chore Zapper!” in increasingly silly B-52 voices.
Kravitz plays the sting, because he’s regular, and he can’t help it.
Taako joins in with the uuuuuuu-wahhhh. Magnus starts dancing too, doing the jazz hands.
“Chore- chore!” Merle boogies. “Chore Zapper!”
Lucretia can’t help it. His impression is too dead-on, and she laughs.
“Damn it,” she says, when she can with only a little warble in her calm, ooey-gooey gravitas voice. “God, damn it. Now we have to figure out what negative one thousand plus negative one billion plus one is.”
Merle fist pumps.
“Luce, I absolutely did not come here to do math,” Taako says, very seriously, “And if this continues, I’m gonna call my agent.”
“Negative one billion, nine hundred, ninety-nine?” Kravitz posits.
“No, that can’t be right,” Lucretia says, looking deeply into space.
“Blargh.” Magnus says. “Let’s start over.”
“You’re just saying that cause I’m winning!” Taako sticks his tongue out like a child, and Magnus scoops up some of the floor pens to chuck at him. Taako yelps and runs over to Lucretia’s desk.
“Sanctuary, sanctuary!”
“I can no longer in good conscience be aligned with the church,” Lucretia says. “Also fuck out of my space.”
“Man,” Taako says, hanging his head dramatically. “I should have hid behind Kravitz instead.”
“Shame you didn’t. Anyway,” Lucretia waits for the buttons to be taken back off stage. “We’re here as professionals.”
“Allegedly,” Merle calls.
It’s hard not to snicker at that. Kravitz keeps forgetting he’s part of this mess. It’s so easy to just watch it unfold, like he’s watching TV at home, and it just doesn’t have subtitles, because God forsook the world after Merle’s horseshit.
“Kravitz, you ready for some duets?” Lucretia looks at him.
“I’m ready for anything,” Kravitz says, and then tries to smile without revealing his sudden recurrence of nerves.
“Patently false,” Taako says. “We’re gonna getcha good.”
“Damn it,” Lucretia says. “I should have put Shania Twain on there. Damn. Damn. Make you fools sing about…Windows 95 or something.”
“I was hoping for some Rusted Root,” Taako says. “ The coffee’s bad here, and I don’t like it, ” he sings, in a breathy voice. “ And I’m hungry, cause I woke up late-”
“So much for ‘the hits keep coming’,” Lucretia says. “You want me to cut that one out?”
“Rude!”
“If we’re making requests, Kenny Chesney-”
“That, hey Merle? Merle, that made my computer die in real life, not fiction. I’m channeling a higher power here and telling you, I’m not letting you have that. You almost got Garth Brooks, and even that was a stretch.”
“Oh my god,” Magnus says. “Garth Brooks singing what, I have to know.”
“Mmmmmmmm shoplifting from Costco. Anyway-”
“Lost my credit card, but I need a square yard, of fruit snacks shaped like a bear…” Merle warbles.
“No!”
“Gotta get garbage bags, and I’d rip off the tags, but I forgot that they don’t do that here-” Magnus joins in.
“Ren, get me the spray bottle. No, I said!”
“Well I had to commit, to the shoplifting bit, so I stuffed the shit down my sweatpants…I powered through, ducked through line twenty-two, and- oh JESUS I thought you were KIDDING-” Taako howls as Lucretia, having graciously accepted the prop from the PA, begins squirting them all with water like nasty cats. Taako hisses at her.
“Come onnnn, Lushe, I wanted to do the chorus!! Oohhhhhh, I got banned for life from Costco, fuck!” Merle hides behind his podium. Lucretia is not having it.
“Garth Brooks ain’t that bad,” Magnus drawls. He yelps when the spray is turned on him.
“We’ll get in legal trouble if we even sneeze a tune from him,” Lucretia hisses. “We’re flying too close to the not legally-dissimilar rule as is!”
“Parody!” Taako calls, in the same way sanctuary was called before. This is a mess. It takes a solid couple of minutes to get everyone back in places. Action is called again, and Lucretia pastes on a smile and starts over.
“Welcome, players, to round two, where you and a partner will bind together in a holy partnership to create, from nearly nothing, a duet that sounds like actual music. Are you ready, players?”
“Yuh huh,” Magnus says.
“Aw fuck, why did I end up first?” Taako grumbles.
“I wanna sing with Lucretia!”
“The fact that any of this ever got off the ground is beyond me. The amount of degrees, experience, gigs- the amount of knowledge in this room is stunning, and yet I have a feeling some of you are still stuck on Diet Concrete. ”
“I just think we can always improve,” Magnus says, fluttering his eyelashes. “Can we get a mid-episode review?”
“Too many nuts,” Lucretia says soberly. “Taako.”
“Whuh?”
“Magnus.”
“Guh?”
“Please pick a song to sing together from the second section of the binder.”
The binder is relocated from the last place it fell (miraculously not squirt-gunned) and they drop it on Taako’s podium to inspect it. They muse and peruse, and Kravitz cranes his neck, which as you can surely guess, gets him nowhere.
He wants this to be good.
“Do we do Ice cream with sprinkles by Nirvana?” Taako mumbles.
“There’s ‘late afternoon nap’ by Elton John,” Magnus replies.
“Fuckin…’Fun Facts’ by the Police-”
“Oh, wait, wait, wait-” They both point at one and agree, increasingly passionately, nodding firmly.
“Hurry up,” Lucretia says. “The cooking show’s going to need the set.”
“You guys have a cooking show now?” Taako looks incredibly jealous. “Why am I not on that? No, um, we’ll take eighty-nine.”
“Not sixty-nine?” Merle teases.
“Man, you can have that one,” Taako sniffs.
Lucretia points at the screen. “Toilet Paper” by the Blues Brothers. Kravitz stifles a laugh, and then, obviously, listen, obviously starts in on something with a Soul Man vibe. Taako and Magnus start to nod intensely, and then Taako does a cartwheel while Magnus pretends to blow the dust off a harmonica. Lucretia laughs as they pose back to back and Taako tries to pretend he isn’t out of breath from the cartwheel, which clearly loosened his mic pack. They wait for the intro to get to the second bit, and then just absolutely start skanking.
Taako waits for the drop, and then puts his full ass into an incredible Blues Brother impression.
“Taco Bell food, got me runnin’ home
Hot sauce sweats, like a syndrome
Won’t describe it, it’s a war crime
But worst comes next; cause it turns out I’ve-”
He leans in comically deep to his imaginary microphone–
“I’ve got no-”
He and Magnus get real close.
“Toilet paper
Toilet paper (come on)
Toilet paper
Toilet paper (oh)”
“And that ain’t all,” Taako says, winking directly at Kravitz, who is trying not to audibly snicker.
“Resigned myself, to hell it seems
Just said goodbye, to all my dreams
But wait, I’ve got one chance!
Hey roommate, can you save my pants?”
Magnus picks him up and carries him around, full Titanic, Taako trying not to lose it as he repeats–
“I need
Toilet paper
Toilet paper (come on)
Toilet paper
Toilet paper (oh)”
And then of course Magnus puts him down (drops him) so he can take a turn, bouncing like a caffeinated puppy.
“I hear you howlin’, for some help, bro,
Usually I’d just let it go
But this once, ohhh, I’ll save the day
I’ve got the goods, boy, but you’ll have to pay. For-”
They repeat the toilet paper chorus, as Taako does an actual fucking split, and Magnus vocalizes his harmonica bit. Nearly breathless, as they get to the last part, Magnus leans in again and puts a hand on Taako’s shoulder.
“Just crack the door and throw it in!”
“But only if you’ll admit that I’m your best friend!”
“Yeah!” Taako sings, and Magnus replies, “Yeah!” and Taako goes “Yeah!” and Magnus goes, as deep as he can, “YEAH!”
And they do the very classic jumping and waving Blues Brothers ass dance that says, yes, listen, seriously, yes, they have played Blues Brothers before. Kravitz laughs to himself as he does the last solo, and then everybody watches Magnus and Taako do the splits, which ends better for Taako than it does Magnus.
There is an audible rip.
“Jesus,” Lucretia says, when Kravitz stops playing. “You two have done that before.”
“What!” Taako says, putting a scandalized hand to his chest, breathless. He gets up, and offers Magnus a hand, and Magnus, blushing, pulls himself up.
“Ow,” he says, instead of responding to the accusation.
“You know, I expected that Elwood shit from Merle, but you two?” She shakes her head fondly. “Fifty one points.”
“Oh shit, who gets the extra one?”
“Fight over it,” Lucretia says, barely holding her straight face. “Magnus, are you good?”
“Super good,” Magnus wheezes, leaning heavily on his podium. “Just don’t ask me to do more calisthenics.”
“That’s up to you and Merle, cause it’s your turn part two.”
“Aw, hell,” Magnus says, fully putting his head on his podium. “Give me, a, hold on.”
“Then I’m gonna pick the song, bud,” Merle teases, and he extricates the binder. Kravitz stretches out his hands and tries not to stare at Taako, who is much more flexible than he would have bet an hour ago, and he feels normal about it, he swears.
Taako turns and winks at him again.
“The audience at home is gonna think you have something in your eye,” Lucretia calls him out.
“Oh, well, pan over there, cause Krav is sittin’ there actin’ cute like he didn’t just fuckin’ body Soul Man On The Piano . You want me to not flirt?? Too bad, I’m taking him out for karaoke after this!”
Kravitz’s cheeks go hot. Is Taako joking? He can’t be. He wouldn’t have stuck to a bit like that this long, right? Right??
“Oh my god, doing more of this later? You really are just like this, aren’t you?” Lucretia teases.
“Man, we all are,” Magnus says. “Why the hell do you think we’re here? You think normal people do this shit? It’s like that DND show you guys do. You think a single one of those people is regular?”
“As we all know, I’m incredibly regular,” Taako posits, pompous.
“If you’re neurotypical, I’ll eat a car tire,” Lucretia deadpans.
“Man, if anyone here is neurotypical, I’ll streak through the cafeteria,” Taako laughs.
“What?” Merle looks from Taako, to Lucretia, to Magnus, to Kravitz. Kravitz feels incredibly not invisible, and he’d like to complain about it, please. Ain’t no one got any business spreading his business around. If that is, indeed, even his business. His brain is just up there doing shit, what’s that got to do with him? We’re just being textual about it now? Huh??
“Don’t worry ‘bout it, old man,” Magnus says, laughing. “D’you pick us a song?”
“Oh yeah.” Merle grins. “Fifty-four.”
Lucretia triggers the graphic, and “Rotten Produce” by Olivia Newton John and John Travolta appears on the screen.
“Oh my god,” Taako says, putting a hand to his mouth to cover the ridiculous giggle-snort that erupts from it. Kravitz’s heart twists in fondness, and he covers it perfectly with a dramatic run at the keys, and then a Summer Nights ass bounce. “ Grease? Are you kidding me?”
“It was that or High School Musical,” Merle says, seemingly serious. Kravitz silently thanks him for not doing that. Although, he’d fucking kill to see Taako body a Sharpay Evans.
Magnus takes center stage, and Merle joins him. Magnus watches Kravitz, who’s just having fun at this point, and when he gets his cue, starts in, holding his pretend microphone again and looking at Merle with a shit-eating grin.
“Throwing out all the produce agaaaain.”
“How could this be? I’m going insane.” Merle shakes his head, soooo disappointed.
“I bought some fruit, hoped for the best...”
“And then what happened? I’ll bet I can guess…”
“Vegetables, fruits thrown away
Aah fuck, why does this happen to me?”
Taako, not one to be left out, adopts a stupid voice, for the absolutely vital, oh well, oh well, oh well, uh-!
Merle laughs, jumping in on that joke too:
“Tell me more, tell me more,
Did it all rot to mush?”
Magnus volleys back, implying that this is a mutual concern:
“Tell me more, tell me more,
Were you focused on kush?”
Taako jumps back in again, Magnus fake-glares at him, but it doesn’t stop his,
“Aw fuck (doo doo)
Aw fuck (doo doo)
Aw fuck (doo doo doo doo)...”
“Tried to buy greens, and I failed again-” Magnus sings. Merle catches himself off-guard, even though the pattern is already established.
“That kale is rotten, might poison the ham!”
“You’ve gotta stop, it’s embarrassing
Just get frozen veg, don’t make it a thing!”
“Veggie tray, fruit soul’s gone away
Aah fuck, why does this happen to me?”
(The whole crew joins in with the oh well, oh well, oh well, uh.)
Taako has to join once again, with two different other silly voices.:
“Tell me more, tell me more,
Does your fridge smell like shit?
Tell me more, tell me more,
How many grapes did you get?”
“Veggie dreams, blown to smithereens,” Magnus and Merle manage to harmonize,
“Aah fuck, why does this happen to meeeee?”
Everyone on set claps. Taako looks absolutely delighted with himself. Lucretia is stunned. Floored. Smeckledorfed.
“Merle, did you rhyme again with ham ??”
“Well- maybe, but can we talk about how Kravitz cut out the best part?? I wanted to do the shoo bop bops!”
“We can’t be here all day!” Magnus says, incredulous.
“Man, why not? I’ve got nowhere else to be, I’m retired.” Merle shrugs. “I’m having the time of my life with you guys!”
“Aw,” Lucretia says. “One point for you. One point for Magnus. Half a point for Taako for each voice he did.”
“It wasn’t even his turn!” Magnus protests.
“Then you should have chosen Tax Evasion by Evanescence, keep up!”
“Take me to jaaaaail!” Taako wails, a la Bring Me To Life.
“Fuck, that sounds fun, can we go back??”
“I keep telling you, Magnus,” Lucretia steeples her fingers. “We can only go forward.”
“I have COMPLAINTS!” Magnus howls.
“You’re about to have more,” Lucretia says, catching herself with a snort. “Taako and Merle, you’re up.”
“Ninety-two,” Taako declares, without even looking.
“Oh, yeah,” Merle says, looking. “That’s a good one.”
“I’m,” Lucretia looks from Taako and Merle and back again. “Don’t do anything I’m going to have to wipe from the face of the planet.”
“No promises,” Taako and Merle chime.
“Ugly Thrift Store Shirt” by Jimmy Buffet appears on the screen.
“May he rest in peace,” Lucretia says solemnly. “Do not make this man roll in his grave like a rotisserie chicken.”
“Jimmy Buffet would love us,” Merle says.
Kravitz, flipping through his internal rolodex of musics, makes a toss-up, and decides for a classic Margaritaville-style jam. Taako steps forward to take the first turn, and croons, just so beachy, absolutely dripping with sunset over the ocean vibes.
“Went to the thrift store
Lookin’ to get more
Beautiful crap to pad my wardrobe
Will there be good shit?
I need a new ‘fit,
Something so retro it’s right back in vogue.”
He drives into the chorus. Merle chimes in on the rhymes at the end, but is otherwise unhelpful. He’s really passionate about it, though.
“Spending money again on ugly thrift store shirts
It’s a treasure hunt you’ll never regret
It’s either trash or it’s worth its weight in cash,
If you’re not pleased, then you’re not done yet.”
Merle takes the stand. He looks so pleased with himself, and immediately, whether intentional or not, changes the prompt by one letter and a whole lot of energy.
“Looked at some snowglobes, and some stained cult robes,
Saw lots of garbage covered in shells,
Checked out the good case, a stuffed bear with no face
Should I buy it? It’s haunted as hell.
Spending money again on ugly thrift store shit.
It’s a treasure hunt you’ll never regret
It’s either trash or it’s worth its weight in cash,
There’s always some good freak shit to get.”
Taako, covering laughter, makes eye contact with Kravitz, and then makes it worse.
“Speaking of haunted, my friend bought and flaunted,
A hideous doll from nineteen-twenty-five.
It’s got the eyes of a child, suffering from mild
To horrid night terrors, and might be alive.”
And even Magnus chimes in on the final chorus.
“Spending money again on ugly thrift store shit.
It’s a treasure hunt you’ll never regret
It’s either trash or it’s worth its weight in cash,
If you’re not pleased, then you’re not done yet.”
Merle brings it on home:
“Yes, if you’re not pleased, then pick worse shit to get.”
The crew claps, impressed by their teamwork. Lucretia shakes her head, visibly impressed and trying not to show it.
“Merle, Merle, Merle, Merle, what happened to the shirts?”
“Got distracted?” Merle says, like it’s a question somehow. “Lots of good stuff at the thrift store. We should go together later, maybe all of us can pack in my van-”
“I’m never letting you drive me anywhere EVER again,” Taako declares, and Magnus nods incredibly seriously.
“Yeah, certainly not,” Lucretia says. “Two dollars and ninety-nine cents worth of points for each of you.”
“Aw…It’d be a good team-building exercise, wouldn’t it?” Merle frowns, completely missing the points, as Taako fist pumps intensely.
“Merle,” Magnus says, like he’s gently breaking terrible news. “We’re done after this.”
“What! That can’t be right. I signed on for five seasons.”
“Should we do another mini game?” Lucretia asks.
“Can I like, sit down? I feel like I’ve been up here for an eternity.” Taako leans on his podium.
“Don’t be a weenie.”
“I will,” Taako insists. “I will be a weenie.”
“Do you want to take fifteen, though?” Lucretia looks around. “We can take fifteen. We’re sort of on schedule, and we have time built in. Don’t say anything funny while we’re breaking, though, or I’ll gut you like a fish.”
“Fifteen sounds marvelous, Marva,” Merle says. “All that talk of toilet paper-”
Magnus makes an extremely loud incorrect buzzer noise with his mouth. Everybody scatters, many to the craft table, several to the bathroom. Kravitz finishes his water bottle, and then looks up to find Taako in his airspace.
Huh. If they’re taking a break from filming, then…Then. That means something, maybe.
“Heyyy,” Taako says, grinning. Kravitz gets up from his keyboard castle and tries a soft smile.
“Hello, Taako. You’re doing amazing up there. That’s an incredible talent.”
“What, me? I’m just doing bullshit with my guys.” He snorts. “I could do this in my sleep. This is exactly my kind of crazy, my brain just does this. You, though, you’re amazing. You seriously don’t have any music? There’s not like- a little screen on your keyboard?”
“Nope,” Kravitz says, warming up considerably. He smiles a little brighter. “Go ahead and look.”
Taako sits on his chair and pounds randomly on the piano, which sounds bad, and also unpleasant, and maybe even not good. Kravitz tries to keep a straight face, even though he’s imagining Taako as a skrunkly but beloved housecat, fucking around on the keys for fun.
“Huh!” Taako grins cheesily at him. “Man, that’s insane.” He carefully picks out a painful rendition of Mary Had a Little Lamb, which kind of turns into hot cross buns. “This isn’t my thing at all. I don’t know how people do it. I can sing all day? Even beat a drum okay. But this, this is wild. You possessed by some kind of demon, or something?”
“Who’s to say,” Kravitz manages, amusing himself. “Do you want to see if they’ve cut the cake yet?”
“For what?”
“I don’t know, maybe because you guys are famous? I saw a cake earlier and I’ve been coveting it horribly, I gotta be honest.”
“Fair!” Taako gets up, and walks with Kravitz, hands in his pockets and stepping real goofy-like to make Kravitz smile. “Do you just do this all the time?”
“No, not really. I mean, I do other music stuff, I get around-”
“Do you?” Taako waggles his eyebrows. Kravitz laughs way too hard.
“Maybe I do, is that an issue?”
“Not at all, not at all, my guy.” Taako leans a little closer.
“No, um,” Kravitz clears his throat. “This is kind of a special occasion, I don’t usually get to play like this. I actually have a freelance like…spreadsheet kind of job I’m usually doing, but I’m trying to get into music as like a legitimate career…option.”
“It’s sure tough,” Taako says, nodding. “I mean, me ‘n the guys, we’ve done some music stuff together, you probably heard-”
“I’ve one hundred thousand percent heard of you guys, yeah,” Kravitz says all in one breath. “Definitely.”
“But we all kind of do our own thing now.” Taako shrugs, looking like he’s pretending to be normal about it. “Hard to find time to regroup, you know? But it’s good. And it’s not like we don’t talk, it’s just, we’re not sharing five hundred square feet anymore, right?”
“Right.” Kravitz is trying not to be super obviously starry-eyed, but it’s a tall order. “Do you miss playing in the band?”
“Yeah,” Taako says, shrugging sheepishly. “A little. But also touring makes us insane, and we never quite got big enough to make it worth the energy it took. So now we just do it for funsies.”
“For sure,” Kravitz says. Regularly. So normal. Taako’s song from earlier has been playing in his head on a loop, fighting for dominance with…Taako’s other song. “Hey, um-”
“Right it’s just- wait, no, you go.”
“No, it’s fine, uh-” Kravitz rubs his neck and laughs awkwardly. “Cake?”
“Cake,” Taako confirms, smiling. And they go get in line for it. They only have a few minutes by the time they get through, but they take a seat behind the set on the floor and eat next to each other, and Kravitz is screaming in his brain, because he’s eating cake on the floor with Taako, who is impressed by him!!!!
And then they get called back to set, and Taako and Kravitz have to hork down their cake, and Taako gets a green frosting mustache, and Kravitz has several consecutive–no, let’s call them overlapping–thoughts he should not vocally articulate.
But oh, he yearns. Don’t you know he is yearning?
“I’ll grab your plate,” he says, desperate, and Taako smiles at him, stacking his on Kravitz’s, leaving his fork precariously on top.
“Hell yeah. See you in there.” He reaches over and gives Kravitz’s leg a squeeze, and then clambers off the floor, with several obnoxious grunting noises. Kravitz watches him go.
He has the distinct sensation he’s been flirted with.
He has to book it to get back to his spot, and even then Lucretia, who is holding a steaming mug of coffee like a boss in an office cartoon (it says ONE SHARP CHEDDAR and has a cute mouse in a pile of cheese on it) is teasingly lecturing everybody about how Fifteen Means Fifteen, even though she was not on time either. Kravitz tries to be real nonchalant about getting back behind the keyboard, but Taako waves at him, and Kravitz’s heart makes a wild Buh-THUMP he might oughta get looked at.
Magnus sees this and also waves excitedly at Kravitz, and Merle looks around like he’s trying to figure out why. Kravitz laughs.
“Okay, punctual players,” Lucretia announces, once she’s back behind her desk. She taps on her tape calculator, which spits out at least an inch of fake math for her to inspect. “Looks like the game is close.”
“Woo!” Merle says.
“For Taako and Magnus,” Lucretia clarifies.
“Aw, nuts.”
”We’re approaching the end of our game-”
“Say it isn’t so!”
“I wanna do this all day!”
“Thank god, I have a date.”
“And I swear to god if you keep interrupting me, boys, we’ll be here all day,” Lucretia says sternly. “But this next round is our second minigame, which we like to call-” she gestures at the screen, which displays KID’S SHOW THEME SONG. “We couldn’t come up with a catchy name for it,” she admits, a little more quietly.
“Fuckin-” Taako slams his buzzer, which has helpfully reappeared on the legs of a PA who is probably pretending not to exist. “Toon tunes.”
“Damn,” Lucretia says.
Merle has to buzz in too, with, “Themes to the Extreme!”
“Fuck,” Lucretia says.
Magnus hits his buzzer.
“MAGNUS,” he hollers.
“Yes, Magnus?” Lucretia bites back a snicker. “Boys, this isn’t even the-”
“Kiddie Ditties. NO WAIT. Toddler Tracks!”
“Minor key?” Kravitz provides, and everybody whips their head around at him, which makes him feel incredibly on the spot. “Sorry, I-”
“Oh my god,” Lucretia says. “Can we change the graphic.”
Three minutes later, they reset, and Kravitz’s face is burning as Lucretia gestures solemnly to his dumb joke on the board.
“Anyway,” she says, so very serious. “You’re going to make up a kid’s song about the given topic. Only one stanza, I swan to John, or we will be here ALL DAY. Ready?”
“I have a question about what constitutes a stanza-” Merle tries. Lucretia shuts it down.
“Just give me the chorus.” She gestures at Kravitz. “When you’re ready.”
Kravitz starts up a jaunty, PBS Kids-y tune with a bit of a showtune vibe, something he can keep repeating. Belatedly he realizes the melody is not dissimilar from Yankee Doodle. Eh, he’s committed now.
The screen flashes, and INFIDELITY appears on the screen. Taako buzzes in.
“Taako.”
Taako takes a deep breath, which already has everyone grinning, and then he really goes for it, jumping in on that cheesy Americana vibe and marching around his podium in a circle.
“Infidelity is bad,
If you promised to be faithful.
Fuck around and kind out kids–
Your death will be disgraceful.”
Merle slams his buzzer and fills in with the next bit, also doing the marching with the dorky arms and everything–
“Infidelity is bad,
Betrayal isn’t candy
Mind your business, watch your step,
Respect some fuckin’ bound’ries.”
So obviously Magnus pounds his button–”MAGNUS!” and doesn’t wait to join in, all the guys marching in step now.
“Cheating is not worth the price,
You must resist the allure,
If she chops your dick tonight
No court here will convict her.”
The crew is laughing so hard when Kravitz ends with a little flourish, and Lucretia has to try three times to get out, “That’s not what I asked for! No points for anyone!”
“But it’s what you got!” Taako says. “Man, we’re doin’ kid stuff now? This owns. This shit is way easier.”
“These rhyme schemes are WAY less complicated!” Merle agrees.
“Give them something they’ll regret, Kravitz,” Lucretia threatens, and then gestures at the screen, where the next theme, CHANGING THE SHEETS, appears. Kravitz decides to be cheeky, and goes with a jazzy, funky Wheels On The Bus moment.
Everybody snickers. Magnus buzzes in, with his added, “MAGNUS!” and Lucretia gestures at him to start, covering her laughter with her other hand.
“The sheets on the bed need to be changed
I’m deranged,
They just got changed??
The sheets on the bed need to be changed,
Oh, god, the stains!”
“I mean, got it in one, folks, unless-?”
“Unless,” Taako says. He hits his buzzer.
“The stains on the bed are not from sex,
That’s what you’d expect,
But no, no sex.
The stains on the bed are not from sex,
It’s just spaghetti mess.”
“Good god, I don’t even want to ask-”
Merle buzzes in, and Lucretia laughs preemptively.
“Don’t-”
“I’m gonna!” He takes a deep breath, for to commit crimes with. Lucretia, Taako, and Magnus all cover their faces and peek out through their fingers. Kravitz chooses violence and ramps it up to doubletime.
“Spaghetti in the bed is worth the mess,
I must confess,
It relieves my stress.
Spaghetti in the bed is worth the mess,
But are there chunks? Yes.”
“NO!” Lucretia hollers, her restraint cracking. “Chunks?? No!”
“I’m pretty sure he said yes,” Taako teases. Kravitz laughs, letting the song loose.
“I’m- moving on. Moving on! An aloe vera amount of points for Taako.” Lucretia shakes her head, then gestures at the screen, which changes to CHLAMYDIA.
Kravitz plays the first part of the Pokémon theme song and everyone loses it.
“Bad- bad joke-”
“We can’t- legally, you can’t put that on-”
“You teach me and I’llll teach youuuuu,” Taako croons, and that’s what makes Kravitz fall apart.
It takes everyone a moment to regain composure, and then Lucretia gestures to one more prompt–FROZEN DINNER.
“Violence,” Taako says. “Violence to me.”
Kravitz makes direct eye contact and starts in on fuckin’ Happy Birthday, just skanked up a little bit. Taako looks like he’s going to wet his fucking pants.
“MAGNUS,” Magnus buzzes in.
“Continue the cycle,” Lucretia orders.
“Nothing could be more sad,
My frozen dinner is bad,
My stupid pasta is mushy,
And it smells like my dad.”
“Not good,” Lucretia says. “Merle, rebuttal?”
“Why?” Merle says, looking from her to Magnus. They snort. “Uh, sure.”
“Hungry Man makes me cry,
Stouffers can be too dry,
Totinos banned me for liiife,
So Kid Cuisine will suffice.”
“Beautiful, a chicken-shaped dinosaur nuggets’ amount of points for you. Unless Taako-”
“Don’t you dare unless me, not this one, Taako’s out. I’m morally against. Fuckin’, what’s the, conscientious objector.”
“Merle gots points!” Magnus whoops.
Merle does a stupid little dance. It’s not dissimilar from the flubber dance. The PAs come take the buzzers back away (Magnus tries to keep his, but has to stand down) and they reset for the last round.
“Alright, players,” Lucretia says, looking them all in the eyes intensely. “And Kravitz.”
“Howdy,” Kravitz says.
“You been having a good time, Kravitz?” she asks, looking at him with an almost-smile on her face. He’s gotten rather fond of her.
“I gotta admit, I was pretty terrified, but it’s been fun,” he says, surprising himself. “It’s like a bop factory in here.”
“New spin-off show!! Hire us all forever!” Taako hollers.
“Well-”
“Hire us! Hire us! Hire us!” Tres Horny Boys chant.
“No chanting,” Lucretia says firmly. “It’s time for you to prove your worth, hold hands, and jump into the abyss together as one. Players, are you ready?”
The binder is brought back out. Kravitz jiggles his leg, both excited and already grieving it being over. He’s complex. Like a cheese.
“Oh, man, let’s-”
“No, save that one for last…”
“This one and one more, boys.”
“Say it isn’t so!” Merle wails.
“As much fun as we’re all having, I think this is also direct radiation exposure, and we shouldn’t have committed to this many songs as is. It’s like at least eleven songs, plus the mini games.”
“S’a’lotta songs,” Taako mumbles.
“Still a prime number,” Merle says with a shrug.
“Yeah, Merle, the defining quality, the most relevant attribute,” Magnus says, poking Merle in the ribs. Merle flips him off with his prosthetic, which clearly has a special feature just for this inevitability.
“I mean, Journey’s ‘Exposure Therapy’ sounds fun…” Taako muses. “Or ‘Scrambled Eggs’ by the Proclaimers? But we’ve done a lot of food ones…”
“Shit or get off the pot,” Lucretia says.
“You heard the lady,” Merle laughs. “I want one hundred twenty-five!”
“Oh god, Merle!” Taako and Magnus say, in perfect unison.
The screen flashes on with “NO CLEAN PANTS” by the Beastie Boys. Of course.
They snicker, lining up in front of the podiums, and Kravitz, grinning to himself, starts up a loud rendition of something not entirely, legally dissimilar from Fight For Your Right (To Party).
Magnus hollers, “KICK IT!” and Kravitz launches hard into it. The boys all jam out on their air guitar, and Magnus begins, the boys joining in on the last word as a Beastie echo.
“You wake up late for work and then it DAWNS
The time for laundry day has come and GONE
You’re gonna have to scrounge so you won’t be NUDE
You look right in the mirror and you tell yourself DUDE,”
They all join in, somehow, some way on the exact same wavelength,
“YOU GOTTA WASH clothes TONIGHT to have CLEEEEEAN PANTS!”
Merle takes the next turn, and Taako and Magnus back him up, bouncing in a half-dance, half aggressive idle animation.
“Digging through your HAMPER gotta find some PANTS
Gonna lose your SHIT if this kills your ROMANCE
Nothing in the CLOSET and the floor ones STINK
Better find some QUICK before you’re on the BRINK!”
And together they holler, “YOU GOTTA WASH clothes TONIGHT to have CLEEEEAN PANTS!”
Taako takes the last round and Kravitz finds himself almost off-beat with laughing preemptively.
“You make it through the work day in dirty hamper CLOTHES
But you gotta dress right in case your hot date SHOWS
You start the machine the second you get HOME
If you’re LUCKY they’ll be dry by the time you get to BONE!”
Kravitz laughs so hard he can’t even see the keys and just has to power through on vibes for the last bit–
“YOU GOTTA WASH clothes TONIGHT to have CLEEEEAN PANTS
YOU GOTTA WASH clothes TONIGHT to have CLEEEEAN PANTS.”
The whole crew claps, and Kravitz joins in, laughing hard, imagining Taako with a hair dryer, struggling to get his damn pants dry enough to wear.
“Incredible,” Lucretia says. “A full wardrobe on the bathroom floor’s worth of points for you to split evenly.”
“Okay, I’ll take the work clothes pile, and you take the goin’ out clothes pile, and Merle can have the dirty balled up socks,” Taako says. Merle starts counting on his fingers.
“Last prompt of round three, players,” Lucretia interrupts.
“Merle, you pick, we’ve been raggin’ on you the whole time.” Magnus grins.
“Awwwww,” Merle says, fluttering his eyelashes and putting his hand to his chest. “I know it’s for the goof.”
“Definitely, and only ever that,” Taako teases.
“Lucretia, let’s bring it on home with One hundred eleven?”
“Baked Potato Night” by The Backstreet Boys appears on the screen. Lucretia lets out a snort of laughter she can’t quite cover in time.
“God,” she says. “Just- do it.”
Kravitz goes to play, and starts laughing, and has to cover his laugh, and tries again-
“Imagining me as a sexy werewolf from the Everybody video, aren’t you,” Taako teases, leaning fully on his podium.
“Um-” Kravitz coughs. “Listen.”
“I wanna be a dracula!” Magnus declares.
“Wouldn’t you be the better werewolf?”
“Merle’s a mad scientist!”
Kravitz finally gets it under control and starts up a spirited Everybody (Backstreet’s Back) , you know, because it suits the syllable count, and not Just because Taako said so. He’s a free thinker, honest.
They move in front of the podiums and pose, incredibly dramatically, then begin taking turns.
“It’s a parttyyy
On a weeeknight
It’s a partyyyy
Cause it’s
Baked potato night!”
Taako takes over, really, absolutely fucking bodying the Backstreet whine.
“Oh my god, gotta eat again
Dirty dishes in the goddamn sink
Nothing sounds like food i want
Can’t wear pjs to the restaurant
Yeah…”
Magnus grabs the wheel.
“Can I microwave?” (The boys go “Yeaaaaaah.”)
Can I add cheese and cream? (yeeeaah)
Does it count as food? (yeeeeaaah)
It checks all the boxes,
So it’s po-ta-to for me! ”
Somehow, they all remember the chorus, and drop it like it’s hot:
It’s a parttyyy
On a weeeknight
It’s a partyyyy
Cause it’s
Baked potato night!
Merle looks nervous, so Taako jumps in front of him, taking the bullet.
“Now what if I’m having company
Can’t be pathetic where my sister can see
But if I’m crafty, it’ll look delish
And better this than soup or fish.”
“Yeah yeah yeah,” Merle adds, enthusiastically, and miraculously also remembers the bridge?
“Can I microwave? (yeaaah)
Can I add cheese and cream? (yeeeaah)
Does it count as food? (yeeeeaaah)
It checks all the boxes,
So it’s po-ta-to for me!”
Taako and Magnus repeat the chorus–
“It’s a parttyyy
On a weeeknight
It’s a partyyyy
Cause it’s
Baked potato night!”
Merle gets a bright idea, the lightbulb practically appearing above his head, and pounds on his chest to show the others, he’s Got This, and, hesitantly, the boys let him. Merle opens his mouth and lets poetry flow.
“Had pizza, pasta, frozen peas
Don’t want chicken, don’t want quiche (yeah)
I’m gonna cook a tate
Microwave it great
Just don’t put foil or
It’ll be bad, for you, yeah”
Struggling not to lose it, the boys repeat the chorus, and then fuckin’ POSE their brains out, panting.
“It’s a parttyyy
On a weeeknight
It’s a partyyyy
Cause it’s
Baked potato night!”
Lucretia watches them pant. Kravitz grins, delighted with himself. He did it. He made it through. Fuck it, he’s going to be cheeky–he plays the Looney Tunes ending jingle. Lucretia looks at him, and her composure cracks, and she laughs, and laughs, and laughs, nearly wheezing, and she stands up and claps, and the whole crew starts to clap, and Taako and Merle and Magnus clap for themselves and each other.
“Kravitz is right. That’s all, folks. Our winner tonight–” she calculates vigorously, and then rips off the ticker tape, lowering her glasses to read it carefully–
“Kravitz,” Taako says, and Magnus and Merle agree wholeheartedly.
“Oh yeah, again, Kravitz would super duper be the winner if we were playing fair at all. He’s fucking incredible and you should be thankful to be cooled by the reassuring presence of his indomitable shadow.”
Taako makes a face at Kravitz that Kravitz can only interpret sexually. Kravitz laughs so hard he thinks he might cry again.
“OUR WINNER TONIGHT, taking home the coveted golden ear, despite his best efforts–No, that can’t be right. How is this possible.”
“Is it-?” Taako pleads.
“Could it beeeee?” Magnus goads.
“Merle, ffffuckin’, Highchurch.”
Everybody loses it. Bubbles and confetti rain from the ceiling. Taako pretends to go for Merle’s throat, and Magnus grabs him, holding him back physically, and the outro music plays so loud Kravitz can’t think at all. Lucretia brings Merle the Golden Ear, and Merle makes himself cry accepting it, thanking his family, his priest, his favorite demon, the gravy waitress, God, probably, and his lawyer.
Kravitz gets up, figuring he should probably go, because he’s done now, right? And the others gesture for him to take a deep bow, and he does, sweepingly, absolutely ham and cheesy, and Taako launches himself at Kravitz and Kravitz catches him in his arms and Taako mouths “can I kiss you” when his face is covered from the camera and Kravitz says YES without thinking and then they’re kissing and the confetti and bubbles and noise and celebration and the thrill of improvisation and being a nerd ass dork with other nerd ass dorks takes over and it’s done.
He did it.
He’s still holding Taako when the bubbles are all popped, Magnus in the background gagging because he caught one in his mouth and it tasted like soap, shockingly, Merle attempting to do the Heimlich maneuver on him about it, Lucretia shaking her head so hard it looks like something is going to fly out of her ears. And Taako looks at Kravitz and grins a big stupid grin, and Kravitz grins right back at him.
“AAAAND, CUT. That’s a wrap, everybody.”
“Show’s over,” Kravitz sings, a la Closing Time, thank you Semisonic.
“You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.” Taako croons back at him, fucking fondue cheesy. Just dripping with cheese. A mozzarella stick stretched round the world amount of cheese.
“I know who I want to take me home,” Kravitz adds. “If his pants are clean.”
Taako laughs, tucking his face into Kravitz’s shoulder, and Kravitz laughs too.
“You did it,” Taako says, instead of responding to that stupidity. “You didn’t barf and you weren’t garbage.”
“Yeah,” Kravitz agrees, kind of stunned. “It was…fun. Lots of fun.”
“So, uh,” Taako kisses his cheek. “Thanks for not being a different guy.”
“It was an absolute dream.”