Chapter Text
Every time it rains, I'm speechless.
The beauty of rain, the sound it makes as every drop pit-a-pats against the shut window in my room, or upon my umbrella. The petrichor emanating from the earth as I breathe in deeply, as if I've never breathed before. The coldness of each drop upon my skin, as I extend my palm from my balcony, or from under my umbrella. Or the pain I feel, of each drop as it falls on me when the rain gets heavier. Or when the drops melt into my face and blend in with the salt in my tears, as if they fall to douse my hurting.
Yes and a no. All of this surely takes my breath away. But when I said I'm speechless, I actually am speechless. I cannot utter a word the moment it starts raining, up to the point the last drop falls around me. It is not a disease as far as I know. My therapist calls it a response to trauma.
But this incapability continues to cause more pain.
What are the odds of running into that one person you want to talk to, every time it's raining?
How long will this punishment go on?
The tears fall and with rain it mixes again, as I see him walk away…again. Out of reach. I don't know where I've dropped my umbrella. I've run too far. I'm drenched to my skin and I don't have his number to text him, just in case you were curious.
I decided to run after him again. I ran with all I'd got until I slipped on the washed up road while crossing on a green light and fell on my ass. Damn it. I might've scratched the side of my palm. I did.
I don't know when the signals switched but a car came dashing towards me when it barely stopped inches away. The driver is scolding me, but it all fades into the background. It's not like I can apologize now anyway.
The therapist was right though. I did shout at the top of my lungs years ago. It was raining. I was calling for someone. I was screaming and then I stopped screaming. I lost my voice. My sibling brought me home and my parents put me to sleep somehow. When I woke up I thought I'd lost my voice. My sibling had mixed feelings about this. Until it was confirmed that I hadn't lost my voice. She was sad for weeks afterwards that I still had my voice but rejoiced every time it rained. Don't worry, she is not a demon or a reincarnate of one. I tried running my own experiments. She's just a sibling. Siblings are like that sometimes. But wait, I've sidetracked.
As I brush my palm and try to get up amidst all the honking and yelling, I see a hand extended towards me. "Are you alright?" The familiar voice said and I looked up. Thank God it was raining. Imagine how pathetic I would look visibly crying in this moment.
While I was lost in my thoughts, he quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me up. He apologized in my stead and pulled me away from there.
'We are holding hands,' I realized after having been pulled a while. But I didn't pull away. What if he managed to get away again?
We got inside a department store. He grabbed a bunch of things, billed them at the counter and returned to me. He signaled me to dry myself and change after throwing a towel on my head, that he just paid for.
I wiped the rain off my skin, discarding my soaked clothing and changing into the new tee, innergarments, and the track pants, looking out through the gap from time to time to confirm that he hasn't run away again. He didn't. He sat there patiently, quite contrary to his demeanor all these years.
He offered me a bag for my wet garments.
"How long will you keep this up?"
I stared at him a while then went back to putting my things away.
"It has stopped raining."
I straightened up and looked at him again. I gulped and parted my lips hoping I didn't sound like a joke after a day and a half of not talking. "...unteel," I coughed. "Until you stop running away from me."
"Do we get together if I stop running away from you?"
No. No we don't. Not after the fucked up promise I made with my cousin.
"Do you dare to love anybody after you caused the love of my life to be killed?"
"Of course I don't." I said, kneeling before her.
"Good then. I'll take that as a promise."
I'll tell now why I screamed. To stop him from leaving. The love of her life. I said some things. He got angry and he decided to leave. He left. It started raining and I ran after it. His car. Oh . I see why I stopped screaming.
"Do we get together if I stop running away from you?" He repeated.
I reminded myself that I wasn't in the rain. That the raindrops won't camouflage my tears but that was useless. I cried. Pathetic .
"I take that as a no?" He said. He looked away. I could tell his eyes had welled up too.
If I apologized now, would things end between us forever?
It wasn't raining, so why was I speechless now?
The staff was visibly annoyed so we decided to take his argument to the café on the second floor. Not that we said anything after that. Just quietly sitting across each other.
“Kim Mingyu,” he said, breaking the silence at last. “I love you,” he said. “I loved you,” he changed it. “I’ve loved you enough. And I know you’ve loved me too. This is enough for us so let’s stop here .”
I opened my mouth to tell him that I still love him. But then came the sound of rain.
He looked out and scoffed. “It would’ve been great to hear Jeon Wonwoo from your mouth one last time. Even the universe is not on our side, I guess.” he smiled, rather sadly.
I cried again.
How pathetic can I really get in front of him?
He gently wiped my tears and kissed my forehead. “Some other time.”
While I sat there crying, Jeon Wonwoo was gone.
I don’t remember how I made it back home. But I didn’t want to get up to find out that this nightmare was real.