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Lee stared at Haku’s newest boyfriend with an emotion he couldn’t quite place filling his chest as he watched them kiss before parting ways. It was odd, to say the least, and Lee did his very best to shake it off, but the damn thing kept returning with more vigor each and every time he saw it happen and not only was it getting harder to shake, but the effects of it were worsening his mood more and more until even his friends started to notice that something was up him. Some of them, — mostly Neji if he was being honest — minded their own business, but a few dared to inquire what was wrong with him and all Lee could do in response was shrug, because in actuality, he had no freaking idea.
After a while Lee eventually realized that Haku, his roommate, was somehow at the source of it all, even if he didn’t understand the why to it. To be completely and totally fair, though, a lot of things in their relationship didn’t make sense to him and he was sure that the way it started off did help things.
You see, when they had first been roomed together at the beginning of the school year Lee had assumed that there had to be some sort of confusion regarding housing, sure that the person before him was a girl until “she’d” knowingly smirked and told him that he wasn’t the first to think as much before Lee could voice his concerns. At first he’d thought “she” had meant the living situation and that maybe he’d missed something about coed housing during his initial tour and registration, but his new roommate had quickly caught on that Lee was only falling deeper into his self dug rabbit hole and informed him with a laugh that he was actually a guy as well and that his name was Haku.
The initial embarrassment had been immense and Lee had refused to look his new roomie in the eye for several days afterwards, ashamed for not having noticed the obvious regarding his sex sooner and having made such a bold assumption on appearance alone.
Really, he’d been raised better than that. Both his parents and mentor would have undoubtedly been ashamed of him as well if they ever found out, and Tenten likely would have laughed in his face about it, because when it came down to it Haku wasn’t all much more feminine in appearance than Neji was and Lee had had no problem noticing that he was boy when they’d first met as children.
Thankfully, this sense of unease didn’t last too long due to Lee’s astounding ability to bounce back from even the worst of things and Haku’s accepting nature regarding the small and apparently common incident, and the two of them soon began to bond like they should have been doing all that week, which lead to some interesting discoveries for both parties, like how Haku preferred flowing clothes with pastel colors and beautiful prints on them while Lee preferred practical workout wear that prioritized function over fashion. Haku liked to indulge in star crossed romance dramas that often ended in tragedy and Lee enjoyed action packed films featuring noble warriors and way too many explosions. Haku preferred simple foods that weren’t too extreme on the taste buds and were easy on the stomach while Lee seemed dead set on consuming foods containing so much spice that it would make one’s eyes water solely front sitting too close to his plate.
That one had resulted in a long talk that ended up involving half of their hallway, however, when the spices in Lee’s food not only filled their own dorm, but invaded their neighbors’ via the vents, resulting in anything strong enough to require a priest to survive being banned on the premises. Lee still thought that it was everyone else and not himself who was being ridiculous, as the curry he’d been making that day hadn’t been that spicy.
As the year progressed the two not only discovered more contrasts in their personalities in interests, but how those differences somehow managed to blend just right, leading to a strange sense of balance that made their developing friendship work… That was until the recent predicament Lee was currently facing that had him avoiding Haku and earning himself some odd looks from the other man every time he found himself unintentionally grimacing at the sight of him and his lovers, which would often lead to situations like his current one where he would hastily mumble an excuse about having an upset stomach before quickly ducking out and into the bathroom when Haku would notice his upset and shoot him a look.
Lee felt his eyebrows knot as closed the door behind it and slide down onto the cold tile, once again unsure as to what had overcome him. It couldn’t be because Haku was gay, could it? Lee had known this about the other man’s sexual orientation for a while now and it had never bothered him before he saw him actually kiss other guys
But then why did he keep getting so bothered by it? It made no sense.
Lee shook his head as he slumped further onto the floor, his hoodie starting to bunch due to his increasing slouch against the door.
Lee was supportive of all of his friends’ romantic choices, always had been and this was no different, right? He was just in a bad mood from too little sleep and too many assignments as of late. It wasn’t Haku and his boyfriends causing him to feel like this, it was stress. It had to be, because the alternative was a shitty one that meant that Lee wasn’t nearly as good of a person he’d previously thought.
Except Lee felt the feeling grew worse every time Haku and his boyfriend of choice got all lovey with each other in front of him. So much worse that he couldn’t stand to be in the same space as them and took to finding an excuse to leave whenever Haku would invite someone over or be accompanied by another guy when at restaurants or the library or wherever. The exact place didn’t matter. Lee didn’t want to share it with Haku if Haku had male company. End of story.
“Oh, I promised I would hang out with Naruto today.”
“Sorry to cut things short, but I’m in hot water if I don’t have this assignment finished by tonight, so I’m going to head to the library and work on it. Don’t wait around for me”
“Neji said he needed a new sparring partner due to his cousin spending more time doing her own things as of late, so I’m going to see if he wants me to help him out.”
The excuses were endless and he could see hurt and distrust start to bloom in Haku’s eyes with each one until it was all Lee could see when he peered into them and while it hurt Lee that he was doing this to his friend, he didn’t know how to make it stop.
↣↣⧫↢↢
“I think I'm a dirty homophobe,” he whined into his arms, ignoring the way Tenten rolled her eyes at him. He’d finally decided that he needed to open up to someone about this… problem of his and he already felt like she wasn’t taking him seriously.
“And you think that because?” She asked, sipping nonchalantly at her drink and chewing a piece of tapioca as she watched him melt further into the table. “No, like, seriously, Lee. What in the world makes you think that you of all people are a homophobe? I watched Steven Universe with you and cried for, like, five hours when you realized Ruby and Sapphire were girlfriends and proceeded to do it again during the entirety of their wedding scene. You fully support the gays.”
“Maybe I only actually support it when it’s fictional…”
“Okay, that’s enough.” Tenten slammed her cup onto the table and jerked at the back of Lee’s sweater until he had no choice but to sit up and look her in the eye. “What is wrong with you? Why are you suddenly spewing all this crazy crap? Who put this shit into your head? Give me their name right now so that I can rip them a new asshole.”
“No one did. This is all me, Tenten. I feel like I want to puke every time Haku kisses one of his boyfriends, or they sit too close to each other, or if they’re holding hands in public,” he blurted, needing to get the words out before they burned him alive from the inside out. “I’m a dirty homophobe who hates seeing my gay roommate be happy with other men even though he’s been nothing but nice to me since we met and we get along like we’ve known each other for ages. I deserve to be stepped on with dirty, muddy boots with a thick layer of dog poop on them for my sins against his loving soul!”
Tenten was staring at him like he’d suddenly grown twelve extra heads, clearly not having expected that of all things to come out his mouth. Her unblinking stare continued for so long, in fact, that Lee started to wonder if his confession had somehow broken reality and time had ceased to flow. When she finally opened her mouth to speak again, she did so carefully. “OK… You’ve clearly been bottling this up for a while and just did more than spring a leak from it…”
Lee used her continued stunned state to finally shrug himself out of her grip and lean far away from her in his own chair, arms crossed loosely over his chest as he chose to look at anything but her. He could feel the shame burn at his cheeks and he found himself wishing that this was just a dream — the disgust, the admission, all of it. He wanted to wake up and not feel physically ill every time he so much as thought about his roommate kissing another guy. He wanted to wake up and the dense air of unease between them to be gone. He wanted things to go back to how they were before all this internal bullshit he had going on started.
“So, hear me out,” Tenten started slowly, trying to get Lee to look at her and failing horribly as he was afraid of what he’d see if he made eye contact with her now. She sighed before continuing, “This isn’t like you at all. You’re probably the most supportive guy I know and so I was thinking that what if… What if your problem isn’t with Haku being gay, but rather that you’re… jealous.”
Jealous? Jealous of what?
For the first time since the admission Lee looked at Tenten, really looked at her, trying to find the sick joke in her words, but there was nothing but genuinity in her expression. His jaw dropped.
“W—what? No! Tenten, I don't like guys that way, I’ve only ever liked girls, I—” He paused, unsure of his own words. Tenten tested a small smile in his direction and he felt his face begin to burn for an entirely new reason.
“The fact that you yourself aren’t entirely sure as to why you’ve been feeling this way should be reason enough to look into it, Lee. Like I said before, homophobia isn’t like you. It has to be something else and this is currently the only thing that makes sense.”
“But—”
“If you were actually homophobic I don’t think that you’d be feeling bad and having a crisis over it,” she drawled, finally turning her attention back to her tea. “So go do some soul searching. Think about how Haku normally makes you feel when other guys aren’t involved, and for the love of God go talk to him.”
A sigh of reluctant acceptance left his chest and Lee nodded. “Fine. I suppose exploring all possible options is far better than declaring myself to be the worst roommate of the year without first finding any additional evidence to support or deny my claim.”
Tenten nodded approvingly at him as hoisted himself out of his chair to leave.
↣↣⧫↢↢
In the passing weeks Lee stopped ducking out every chance he got and instead tried to delve into his feelings for Haku, about how being around him made him feel and what the true source of his disgust was, but it was growing harder to do so when the other half of new self study stopped showing up to their dorm at reasonable hours, leaving him to sit and wait for the other to return for hours on end with Haku usually being too tired to engage in any meaningful conversation once he got back.
“So,” Lee started on one of the rare days Haku stayed put. Lee peered up over his laptop at him, watching as Haku blew an obscenely big bubble of gum and quickly chewed it back into submission after it finally popped. “I noticed that you haven’t been bringing Itsuki over, so I was wondering what the two of you had been up to as of late.”
Haku paused his chewing and finally turned his full attention towards Lee. “Oh, I dumped him.”
A feeling of joy suddenly bloomed in Lee’s chest and he struggled to figure out the why to it while the feeling was still fresh. Was it because he didn’t want to see Haku dating men, or was it because it potentially opened the door for Lee to share his affections with the other man, should he decide that he did in fact like him?
He swallowed, needing this conversation to continue so that he could further explore his emotions regarding it. “A—ah, and why is that?”
Keep it cool, Lee. Keep it cool.
His roommate shrugged, blowing another bubble that rivaled the size of his head before popping it and continuing the conversation. “You didn’t seem to like him all that much and I figured that meant that you were seeing some red flag that I wasn’t or something.”
The light feeling in Lee’s chest immediately died at that, replacing it with a heavy lump of guilt. “Oh…”
Had Haku been breaking up with all of his boyfriends because of him? Had he directly sabotaged his friend’s relationships by letting his own internal struggles show?
“It was more than that, though,” Haku continued, voice growing softer as he noticed Lee’s sudden distress. “I like someone else more than I liked him and to string someone along like that while I have eyes for another felt wrong, even if the guy I have my sights on doesn’t like that.”
Lee swallowed, his saliva thick as he voiced his next question. “And who could possibly earn your fancy to that degree?”
He didn’t want to know…
…But he needed to.
Haku smiled tenderly, his lashes brushing against his cheeks as he did. “Sorry, but I’ll only tell you if it turns out that I was wrong and he makes a move on me.”
The lead weight fell into Lee’s chest and he was sure that the stress of this was going to be the end of his pathetically short life. “Noted.”
↣↣⧫↢↢
This had to be what insanity felt like. It had to be.
It had been several days since his and Haku’s talk and it left the martial artist with more questions about himself than answers.
Part of him still felt glad about Haku breaking up with his most recent boyfriend, but the idea of him dating someone else made the sick feeling come back and he still wasn’t sure of the exact cause.
Why, oh why did he have to wait until he was beginning his adult life to have a crisis of sexual identity? And if he did like Haku, what did that mean? Was he gay? Was he bi? Was he pan? He had no idea. None what-so-ever. This wasn’t like everything else he’d done in life. This wasn’t something he could just brute force his way through. This was something delicate and tender he was afraid of it shattering into a million pieces if he handled it too much.
What would my mentor do?
Lee sat up from his bed slowly, letting that one thought sink in.
What would his mentor do?
He thought about it for a minute and then another and finally, after many more minutes had passed, he nodded to himself, determined.
“Mister Guy would just go for it, because you learn nothing from just sitting around and waiting for something to happen.”
“The hell are you on about now?” Haku groggily asked him. Just the top of his head was poking out of his blankets and while Lee thought that he should wait until morning to continue this, he knew that if he did he’d likely lose the sudden burst of steam he’d gotten. Without letting himself fall victim to his hesitations for a moment more, Lee shot out his own bed anddarted over to Haku’s.
“Haku, my dearest roommate and friend, I think I may like men.”
Haku stared down at him, confused. “Congratulations.”
“And I think I may like a specific man, so much so that seeing him with other men turns my stomach, but I don’t know for sure if what I’m feeling is love or something else, and so I must request that he assist me in this endeavor of self discovery.”
“Then tell him, not me.”
Haku tried to tug his comforter over his head to block Lee from his view, but Lee swiftly snatched it away and grabbed hold of Haku’s hands to pull him into a sitting position before him.
“What are you—”
“I am telling him. I’m doing it right now at this very moment while I still have the courage to do so and I would like to test my theory with…” He swallowed thickly. “I would like to test my theory by requesting that the him in question allowed me to… To…” He swallowed again, his spit feeling like a rock in his throat. “To kiss him.”
Time seemed to freeze in that moment, all the sleep leaving Haku’s expression in favour of shock. After a moment his face softened and he adjusted his hands in Lee’s to better hold them. “Well, it sure took you long enough. I was beginning to worry that I was imagining your unyielding jealousy.”
“I’m hoping that’s what it was myself,” Lee admitted somewhat guiltily. “I would be lying if I said that I fully understand how I feel about you, and so I’ll request once more that you assist me in figuring it out, as I clearly can’t do so on my own and if you were to say no I would be fine with decision, but I’d also never truly understand how I feel about… you.”
A car slowly passed their building by, the headlights casting their room a warm, fading glow as they both processed his words. It illuminated Haku’s face beautifully and Lee half wished that he could take a picture so that he savour the sight long after the moment had passed.
“I’m willing to do that, yes,” Haku told him, head bowed and eyes hooded. “We’ll start slow and see where it leads us. If it leads to nowhere, no big deal, but if it does…”
If it does then it could lead to somewhere truly wonderful.
He felt himself absently rubbing Haku’s knuckles as he thought about it, the contact warming his chest in a way that was entirely foreign to him.
“If you’re sure, like really sure that this is what you want, then you should close your eyes,” Haku told him, his dark eyes full of something that had been there since nearly the beginning of their relationship and had only grown more potent with time. Lee had no idea what it was, but he wanted to know, and so he nodded and let his eyes fall closed, trusting Haku to do whatever it was that he was going to do. He felt Haku lean towards him, the mattress sinking in more and more with every inch, and eventually something soft brushed against his lips, sending electricity down his spine before slowly spreading to every inch of being. Slowly, Haku pulled away and Lee felt himself finally understand what had been floating around in his roommate’s eyes for all this time.
It was longing. Longing for him.
“Was it what you expected?”
Lee shook his head, eyes finally opening, but remaining downcast.
“Did you dislike it?”
He shook his head again, a finger coming up to touch his own chapped lips. It had only been a few seconds and he already missed the sensation of Haku’s lips against his. He wanted more. No. He needed more, and so this time it was he who leaned forward to brush his lips against Haku’s, who readily accepted him and didn’t seem to mind how rough his lips were in comparison to his own.
Yes, perhaps it was their contrast that made them fit so beautifully together, like fire against the night sky… And maybe, just maybe, Lee was fine with Haku kissing guys so long as it was him he was kissing.