Archive of Our Own ^beta

And now, 8 awful years later, they were in the same situation. In the same spot. The light shone over their head, colouring the room in a bleak blue. Faint dust particles swirled around in the air. Over the table they sat at, across from each other. 

He followed them with his eyes, leaned back in the chair. Jaw clenched from the words the man in front of him spoke a few minutes ago.

"What you said last time…Did you mean it?"

And of course he wished to say yes. Of course he wished to say yes he would kill everyone and everything that had hurt them. 

The eyes in front of him- so intense, they practically made him want to spill out everything right then and there.

Those eyes that always made him feel so warm.

And then there were those unspoken words about the boy Seokjoo wanted to adopt. Why did they still hide so much from each other?

"Hyung" he wanted to say, instead his eyes settled on the window for a few minutes before his gaze flickered downwards on the table, where they sat just a mere metre away from each other.

The silence dragged itself out to no end. The room got filled up with words from the past left unsaid.

Those feelings he had tried to drown for so many years now came back up again, creeping up evers centimetre of his body.

He couldn't just say them, right here right now when people were potentially listening. It was something between them, something only meant for their ears.

But he was an open book to the other person. Too many nights shared with one another- alone. Too many moments so close with each other. 

Of course he would notice when something was up.

"Muchan-ah." he reached, barely touching the hand of the other who pulled away immediate as if Seokjoo was fire and Muchan too scared to touch him.

"How does it feel?"

Tired eyes shot up, meeting those cold calculating ones. Seokjoo analysed him right now.

"What?"

"Having me right in front of you. After all those years."

He turned his head away, averting his gaze. Not daring to look into what was his past. Not daring to look into what he thought was supposed to be his future. 

He couldn't answer, so he dodged. Like always. 

"You know I told you I would kill for you- die for you even." Words from the past echoed in the room. "Yet you think I wouldn't kill him." 

He still remembered the day he swore these words to him. A cloudless evening in november. Up in the sky, stars shone as bright as ever. He still remembered the look on Seokjoos face, something akin of concern, and the touch of his hand on his skin- he spoke words that told him he was just as human as everyone else, about how he didn't have to swear anything on anyone. 

Not even on my family and me.

He wanted to respond, but the look on Seokjoo face made him go mute. So many thoughts on his mind, so many things to say he could potentially regret. 

It had been so many years of them together. 

And yet he still shied away from saying what was on his mind. Still shied away from saying this one, simple, but meaningful word. 

As if Seokjoo didn't know already. 

As if he was scared to ruin something that was already crumbling down. 

"That wasn't what I asked you, Muchan" His name left Seokjoo like honey. His heart skipped a beat. "Let me ask you again. How does it feel having me right front of you after all those years" 

Every word felt like a dream. His vision blurred, his breath got faster. He got up, wanted to leave this room for good- forever, never to turn around ever again. Never to enter it again. 

Watchful eyes scanned him up and down. 

"I know what you're thinking. After all, you haven't changed." 

"Why are you making it so difficult?" 

"What am I making difficult?" 

A short, swift glance up to where the camera was located. Then his gaze fell down to Seokjoo again. 

Muchans eyes and shaking hands practically deceived him. 

"What are you so scared of?" 

Seokjoo got up himself, those footsteps he could even make out with closed eyes. The air around him felt suffocating now. And it got worse with every single step the man got closer. 

With every step Seokjoo took forwards, Muchan took one step backwards - the wall now right behind him. Making him a feel like a prey caught by the predator 

And it was as if all air was sucked out of his lungs when the man grabbed his arm, pressing it against the cold wall. Muchan eyes deceived him once again- he could only hope nobody watched them right now. 

"Why don't you day what's on your mind?" Deep searching eyes bore themself into his. 

His heart so close to exploding. 

"Why don't you tell me what's on my mind?" a shaking, angry breath left him. "Seems like you still know me better than I do." 

There was a moment of hesitation, Muchan felt the fingers of the other caressing his before they intertwined. As they burned themself deep into his longing flesh. 

And he felt like giving up, giving in, right then and there. Forget their surroundings. Forget the reason why they were there in the first place. Forget everything but them. 

There was a smile on Seokjoos face. Nothing mocking. It was something he had missed seeing on him. But why did it feel so painful? Why was his heart heavier than ever? Was it because things could never be like they were before? 

"Why are you doing this?" merely a whisper, his eyes filled up with tears so close to spill. He hadn't felt like this in ages. Nobody ever made him feel like Seokjoo always did. 

"Don't act like we have never done this before Muchan-ah. I know how much you loved it back then." 

The other hand now caressed his cold cheek. 

"Tell me- how does it feel today? Still like years ago?" 

Words stuck in his throat. Too afraid to say anything, he reached up to. Put his hand on top of the other. 

Maybe this was enough. 

Maybe not for long, but at this moment.