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Shou isn’t Ritsu’s boyfriend.
That’s a fact that Ritsu is well aware of. It’s fine.
Relationships are kind of overrated, anyway. The ones other kids at school have seem messy and dramatic and forever shifting and changing. They’re nothing special. Certainly, they’re nothing to aspire to.
So, it’s fine that Shou isn’t Ritsu’s boyfriend.
But the thing is, Shou isn’t quite not his boyfriend either.
Sure, some things they do could be written off as friendship—best friendship, Ritsu is sure Shou would insist—but some things went beyond the realm of platonic relationships. Holding hands and cuddling, jealousy, so much unresolved tension that Ritsu wants to cut it with his teeth.
That stuff muddies the water.
The thing is, though, things are good. And people like his father are always apt to say that if something isn’t broken, then you don’t need to fix it.
And things don’t feel broken. Things feel good.
But sometimes, Ritsu is greedy. Sometimes, he thinks they could be more. They could put a nice shiny label on this thing they’re doing.
But then Shou will do something that makes Ritsu slam on the brakes before backing up. Or it might be more accurate to say that he does the one thing that he always does that makes Ritsu recoil.
“This was fun, right?” Shou asks as he plops down on the tire next to Ritsu.
They’re sitting in the junk yard, having just spent a few hours of their time hurling things through the air at other things with their powers. They’d made it a tournament: thing that sustains the least amount of damage gets to move on to the next round.
Neither of them had bet on Metal Bar Cart to take home the gold, but the thing was surprisingly sturdy. Shou was going to take it home with him, even if they had made it so that its wheeling days were over.
“Yeah, it was,” Ritsu agrees because it was. “Might have been better with more light, though.” The jab is subtle. The implication being, hey, maybe we could have done this not at 3am on a school night?
But the jab only makes Shou grin that cocky grin of his. “Nah, doin’ stuff like this in the day time’s how ya get caught. Besides,” he says as he lies his head on Ritsu’s shoulder, “the stars here are kinda nice, right?”
The stars would be better farther away from town, if Ritsu’s honest. But they aren’t farther from town, they’re here at a junk yard that kind of smells, with stars barely giving them light, and Ritsu’s exhausted.
He leans his head down so that he can rest his cheek against Shou’s fuzzy buzzcut. It’s not perfect, but it feels like it is.
That’s the thing about being with Shou, sometimes it makes Ritsu’s perception distort. He doesn’t realize the things that are missing until he’s missing Shou.
And that’s the real issue underneath everything.
When Shou isn’t around, Ritsu starts seeing the things that are missing. And the biggest thing missing is Shou himself.
He’s like a stray cat. One of the ones that you keep seeing outside of your house, who rubs against your legs until you get the idea that you should feed it.
And you like the cat, right? In your mind, it’s your cat. He rubs against you, takes the food from your hand, keeps coming back to you.
But the thing about cats like that is they still leave in the end. You go inside, and they go do whatever it is they do. Maybe they just go hunting, or maybe they’re scrapping with other neighborhood cats, or maybe they’re across town where there’s another house with another boy who also thinks of the cat as his.
But at the end of the day, that cat doesn’t belong to anyone. It doesn’t owe anyone anything.
And that would only change if you took the cat inside. If you put a collar around his throat.
“Dude, are you okay?” Shou asks as he shifts his head to try to look at Ritsu without raising his head.
Ritsu, on the other hand, is quick to move his face away from Shou’s. The thought of Shou in a collar is a metaphor, damn it! There’s absolutely no reason for it to be making his face flush.
“I—I’m fine,” he bites out, doing his best to get back to the point of his thoughts.
Shou is a stray cat, and if Ritsu ever tried to bring him inside, he’d probably destroy him and his whole house trying to escape.
Shou lifts his head and stretches his entire body out in a fashion that only supports Ritsu’s cat analogy. “You sure? You’ve been weirdly… weird tonight, even for you.”
Ritsu scowls, a face that Shou often mistakes as a pout, but it is definitely a scowl. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Shou grins. “You’re bein’ quiet. And ya haven’t really yelled at me yet for waking you up.”
Ritsu sighs as he fidgets with his hands. “What’s the point?” he mutters. But the truth is, Ritsu hasn’t gotten mad because at least Shou had come back. It’s been weeks without so much as a meme sent between them. He’s missed Shou more than he’s willing to admit.
The desire flares once more to actually own him (metaphorically). To slip on the collar, to assign a label, to make things concrete.
But Ritsu keeps his mouth shut.
“Aw, come on. Don’t tell me I’ve broken your spirit already? I figured we’d have at least a few good years of back and forth before that.”
A few good years. Shou says it so casually, like it’s a given that they’ll be bickering years from now. Sometimes Ritsu is so sure Shou wants to stay with him, too.
“What are you doing the weekend after next?” Ritsu asks abruptly. He hadn’t meant to, and immediately he’s embarrassed to have asked. He’s setting himself up for disappointment.
Shou hums as he looks up at the moon, unbothered by the subject change. “Plan’s to be out of town. It’s a visitation slash Joseph from the Government favor thing.”
Shou makes it sound vague, but Ritsu knows it’s not. Shou is a lot of things, but when it comes to psychic work, he’s become meticulous. He plans and knows details before he goes in, especially when it involves his father and the man who controls the bomb that resides inside of him.
“Gotcha,” Ritsu says, not surprised, but nevertheless disappointed. He stares at the moon too.
“Why? What do you have goin’ on?” Shou asks, bumping his shoulder against Ritsu’s.
Ritsu doesn’t want to tell him. He knows when he does, he’ll feel stupid and desperate, like just mentioning it is akin to begging for Shou’s involvement. But he knows that trying to avoid it will only make it seem more like he was begging when Shou eventually digs it out of him.
“The student council decided to put on a dance for a fundraiser. I have to show up.” He keeps it as vague as possible. He does his best not to make it sound like he would have asked Shou to go with him if he had said he was free.
Shou lets out a short bark of laughter. “Damn, you’d think they were gonna hang you from the ceiling as a decoration,” Shou teases at his monotone description. “If you don’t wanna do it, you could always skip it. I don’t think they’re gonna kick you out over it.”
Ritsu sighs. At least it doesn’t seem like Shou realized he wanted to ask him on an actual date. “I can’t skip it. I have an obligation to go. I’m just not going to enjoy it.” Ritsu then stands up. Suddenly, he thinks he needs a break from Shou. Sometimes you have to leave to avoid being left. “I need to head home; I have school in the morning.”
“Oh, uh, yeah, sure. Let me grab the bar cart, and I’ll fly you back.”
Ritsu doesn’t bother protesting. In the end, he thinks maybe Shou will always be the one leaving him.
The dance gets a week closer, and Shou leaves again, this time announcing so with a selfie of himself on a plane.
Ritsu’s not surprised, but he feels an ache.
He ignores it.
He goes to class, takes his notes, goes to his meetings. Rinse and repeat.
Four days before the dance, a popular boy in the year ahead of him asks to talk to him after school. Ritsu agrees because he doesn’t have a council meeting.
They meet behind the school, and Ritsu realizes a little too late that it’s very reminiscent of a confession. He’s not used to confessions from boys, but then high school comes with new experiences.
“I wanted to ask you about the dance,” he says.
“I’ll do my best to answer, but Takahashi-san would probably know more than me,” Ritsu says, deflecting to the student council president. He hopes that’s enough to end the conversation. It’s not.
“I think you’re the only one who could answer this for me,” he says with a smile that would be at home on a dental ad.
Realizing that he’s not getting out of the conversation, Ritsu tries to compile all of the information that he has about the boy in front of him. He’s pretty sure his name is Shimoda or something like it. He knows for certain that he’s a top athlete in the soccer club and is well liked because of it. Near the start of the year, the soccer club had tried to recruit Ritsu, but he’d declined politely. Shimoda had been there but hadn’t said much, so perhaps he was quiet.
From there, Ritsu drew a blank. Not a lot to go on.
“Then I’ll do my best to answer,” Ritsu says, aiming for pleasant, but not overly friendly. It’s a line he often walks.
“Do you have a date for the dance?” Shimoda asks, sounding casual. He has one hand in his pocket and the other hanging coolly at his side.
Ritsu knows one way or another, he’s about to face some sort of confession, whether Shimoda is asking for himself or someone else. Ritsu holds back his sigh and tries to keep an air of professionalism around himself. “No, I don’t.”
Shimoda’s smile brightens. “I didn’t think so,” he says in a way that somehow sounds friendly instead of offensive. Ritsu still doesn’t care for it. “I was thinking we should go together.”
Ritsu wants to roll his eyes at the invitation. The thing is, it feels so unbearably casual, and Ritsu doesn’t know him well enough for that. The confessions he receives are typically formal, but this feels so off the cuff. His typical rejection speech doesn’t even feel appropriate.
Still, he’ll manage.
“I’m sorry; I want to make sure I keep my focus on the dance,” he says before giving a shallow bow.
Shimoda doesn’t look put out. “I like that about you, you know?”
Ritsu’s eyebrow raises, but before he can ask for clarification, the other boy is talking again.
“You’re very focused on the things you do. Student council, academics, sports. I am too. I think we’d make a good match.”
Ritsu doesn’t know him well enough to refute that, but he’s not interested. He’s kind of taken anyway. “I’m flattered, but I’m seeing someone.” He figures it’s the quickest way to shut things down.
But Shimoda just gives him a skeptical look before asking, “Then why are you going to the dance alone?”
The first thing he thinks is, ‘Because he’s chasing a rat or something with his alley cat of a dad.’ But he can’t really say that without explaining both his metaphor and his dilemma. So, he settles for, “He’s out of town.”
Shimoda nods. “Long distance is tough,” he says pityingly.
Ritsu wants to shove him with his powers but holds back. “We aren’t usually long distance.” Ritsu isn’t sure if that’s the truth or a lie. Keeping track of Shou makes it too difficult to decide.
Shimoda’s look only becomes more pitying, and Ritsu has to fight against his blush of shame.
“Well, if you decide you’d like someone to dance with, I’ll be around,” he offers with a charming smile that Ritsu hates. It’s not toothy or chaotic enough for his taste. He then turns to start walking away without even waiting for a reply. Ritsu lets him go, but he doesn’t get far before he turns back around. “Just so you know, you deserve someone who prioritizes you. If you were my boyfriend, you wouldn’t have to make excuses about where I was. I’d be there.” He then turns around again and starts walking.
“I—It’s not an excuse!” Ritsu calls after him. “Some people actually have lives!” It sounds stupid and weak even to his own ears. It’s the kind of thing girls say in the dramas that he watches that make him want to scream at the TV to just break up with him already.
Shimoda turns around and his facial expression makes it seem like he’s been watching the same shows. “Like I said, I’ll save you a dance.” He leaves after.
Ritsu bends every spoon within a 5-kilometer radius.
He misses Shou.
The day of the dance comes, and Ritsu does his best to act like he doesn’t wish he was anywhere else. He puts on a good show the way he always does, with a pristine appearance and excellent small talk.
He focuses on tasks, like making sure the snack table is arranged well and that the DJ has been paid, but eventually he runs out of things to do. Takahashi-san comes over and tells him to just have fun, and because he’s the student council president, Ritsu has no choice but to try to listen.
He finds a dark wall to stand against with a plastic cup of punch and waits for the night to be over. He checks his phone for messages from Shou, but he only finds the ones from an hour ago that he’d ignored.
From: Suzuki
on a 1-10 scale how pretty of a discoball are u???
From: Suzuki
u don’t have to overthink it u can say 11
Ritsu stares at it but still can’t bring himself to reply. It’s the first message that he’s gotten from Shou since the picture of his departure, and it doesn’t feel like enough.
He wishes he could make himself respond normally. Send Shou a picture of him glaring with some quip about how Joseph from the Government is probably going to turn Shou’s dad into a disco ball as his next punishment.
But he’s too lonely, and he’s afraid that will come out in any communication that he tries to send. So instead, he puts his phone back in his pocket and downs his juice in one swig, like there’s something better in it than artificial cherry flavoring and red dye number 4027 or something.
It’s as he’s crushing his innocent cup that he notices that Shimoda is approaching him. The night just can’t get any worse.
“Hey, something extra in that punch that I should know about or were you just thirsty?” he asks coolly over the music, like Ritsu doesn’t regard him as an enemy.
Ritsu does his best to keep his composure. “If there was something extra in it, I’d be dealing with it, not drinking it,” he says seriously.
Shimoda laughs like he’s joking. “Good to know you’re keeping a watchful eye.”
Ritsu doesn’t have anything else to say about the matter; he is being watchful because it’s responsible and it’s his job. So instead, he gives a short nod and heads toward a trashcan to discard his empty cup. He thinks Shimoda will take it as a sign that the conversation has reached its natural conclusion.
He doesn’t.
He follows Ritsu, talking all the while. “I’ve noticed that you look bored. I thought maybe now would be a good time to offer that dance.”
He bristles as the conversation from a few days ago hits him again. His embarrassment and frustration are renewed. “I don’t think my boyfriend would care for that,” he says with what he believes to be a level tone. The music makes it hard to tell.
On the inside, he questions how honest he’s being. Shou isn’t his boyfriend, but he does think Shou would be jealous if he danced with someone else. At least, he would be if he was around to see it. Shou has a way of showing up and inserting himself into Ritsu’s space whenever anyone he doesn’t know the intention of is around. More than once, Ritsu has been ambushed with a hug or Shou’s cheek rubbing against his when he was talking to someone from school that Shou didn’t know.
But there’s a part of him that wonders if it’s just about wanting Ritsu’s full attention when he is around. He wonders how Shou fills the void when he’s gone. He wonders if Shou misses him. He worries that he doesn’t. Maybe what they have now is enough and he’d grimace at the thought of more. Maybe Shou’s needs are being met, and if Ritsu pushes for more he’ll end up with scratches.
“You don’t look sure about that,” Shimoda says, his eyes looking a little too deeply into Ritsu’s. Ritsu flinches and feels caught. “And anyway, I’m not asking for a date. I just think you deserve to have a good time. Who wants to go to a dance and not dance?”
He offers Ritsu his hand, and Ritsu stares at it. He doesn’t want to dance with him, but there’s a part of him that wonders if he should want to. He wonders if there’s something to be said for boys who show up at normal times and bare their throats asking to be kept.
Just the same, he lifts his hand and pushes Shimoda’s away just in time for the gym doors to open, and a loud crash to sound over the music. Everyone turns and looks, but the doors swing shut lazily.
Teachers and Takahashi-san immediately head to the door to investigate, and the music gets turned off. It’s a little chaotic, and Ritsu would normally go to investigate himself, but he doesn’t have to. He felt Shou’s aura when he opened the door. So instead, he decides to wait for an explanation, something like relief in his gut.
Shimoda shifts closer to him and grabs onto his shoulder almost protectively. “What do you think that was?”
Ritsu has far too many ideas about what it was, none of which he feels like sharing. Instead, he’s trying to home in on Shou’s energy and peg him down. He’s obviously invisible, and he had only shown off his aura for a second before pulling it in close to hide. It’s a weird game of hide and seek that Shou enjoys playing from time to time.
He jumps when within seconds Shou is tapping his free shoulder. “Don’t do that!” he can’t help snapping as Shou appears in front of him. Shou usually gives him more time.
Shou looks proud of himself, a smooth smirk on his face. “Sorry, Ricchan. Couldn’t help myself; you know how cute you are when you flinch.” His eyes glint briefly and dangerously over to where Shimoda stands, hand still of Ritsu’s shoulder and looking surprised by Shou’s sudden appearance. His smirk turns grin as he grabs hold of Ritsu’s free arm and cuddles it against his chest. “Are you going to introduce me to your friend?” he asks in a friendly voice as he makes himself comfortable against Ritsu’s side.
He’s not Ritsu’s friend but saying so would be rude. So instead, he settles for, “This is Shimoda-san. He’s in the grade above me.” He uses a formal honorific less out of respect and more for the fact that there is no closeness between them. He also doesn’t add his given name because Ritsu still hasn’t remembered it, if he’d ever been told it to begin with.
“Aw, that’s my Ricchan! Always getting the attention of his elders,” Shou says proudly before he nuzzles his nose against Ritsu’s cheek. It’s embarrassing and Ritsu would slap him away if Shimoda wasn’t there. Instead, he settles for gently headbutting Shou’s forehead with the side of his head. To an outsider it might look affectionate rather than like the warning shot that it is. Shou understands and backs off enough to look at Shimoda. It’s an intense stare that unnerves even Ritsu. “I’m Suzuki Shou.”
“Nice to meet you,” Shimoda says, but his usual casualness seems off. He’s struggling to hold Shou’s gaze, and it makes Ritsu all the more attracted to those blue eyes. “I was just asking Kageyama-kun if he had anyone to dance with.”
“Aw, that’s so nice of you!” Shou says, sounding cotton-candy sweet on the surface, but the undertone is there, like a fin sticking out of the water. “But I think I’ve got this one covered, man. Good looking out, though!” His eyes say he’s willing to bite, and Ritsu kind of wants to see it.
But he won’t, because the bright blue of Shou’s eyes serves the same purpose a red belly would on a reptile. And Shimoda might have thought he really liked Ritsu, but it seems like a little opposition was enough to show him that it wasn’t that deep.
“As long as he’s happy,” Shimoda says with a smile that’s trying to seem genuine. But Ritsu can see through him. He can see that he’s trying to save face, act like he’s making an honorable choice for Ritsu’s benefit, but the truth is, he’s scared. He hadn’t anticipated Ritsu’s ‘boyfriend’ to show up at all, let alone looking like a vengeful spirit.
Ritsu has to hide a smile. “I think I’m good,” he says as he shakes off Shimoda’s hand.
Shimoda is quick to say goodbye after that, and Shou waves enthusiastically after him. When he’s far enough away, Shou refocuses on him. “I guess I can understand why you ignored my messages if you were dealing with guys like that.”
Ritsu ignores that line of conversation completely. “Why are you here?” Then after a second of thought he adds, “And what happened outside?”
“Eh, slight helicopter malfunction. Nothing that can’t be fixed,” Shou says with a flippant wave of his hand.
Ritsu looks to where people are gathering around the gym doors and teachers are trying to keep students inside. “So, you crashed a helicopter and made a mess,” Ritsu summarizes.
“Look, I told Joseph from the Government that I’d help get the guy, not clean up the mess afterwards,” Shou defends. “Besides, I made sure no one important got hurt. Plus, I had something more important to do.”
Ritsu arches an eyebrow in question.
“Pretty sure you asked me to this dance,” Shou supplies after it becomes clear Ritsu won’t say anything.
Ritsu scoffs as his cheeks turn red. “I did not.”
Shou grins. “You did so. And I would have RSVP’d, but I wasn’t sure how late I’d be. Anyway, let’s dance,” Shou suggests as he attempts to put his hands on Ritsu’s hips.
Ritsu dodges for a variety of reasons. “There’s not even any music playing! And why would you get to lead; I’m taller!”
Shou laughs as he maneuvers around Ritsu, waiting for the right moment to grab him. “Yeah, I figure there won’t be music for awhile if Joseph from the Government wants to keep a low profile.” He makes a swipe for Ritsu and misses as he moves to the left. “But that’s fine; I know you don’t like music anyway.” He makes another reach for Ritsu and this time is fast enough to grab him and pull him close. “And we’re not ballroom dancing; there’s no leads. Now put your damn hands around my neck.”
“I’m going to strangle you with them,” Ritsu mutters but does as he’s told.
They sway together after that, the dark gym hiding any red faces. It should be awkward with no music and the sound of people worrying around them, but somehow, it’s not. It’s nice.
If it’s not broken, you shouldn’t fix it.
But Ritsu just can’t help himself. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
Shou hums. “That’s fair; your invitation was vague.”
Ritsu considers leaving it at that, but he’s already started, so he might as well finish. “I didn’t think you’d come even if I really asked you.”
Shou’s brows lower and his face scrunches up. “Why? Because I was out of town?”
“No. Yes. Ugh, both,” Ritsu starts, only to realize that he’s being confusing. He lets out a sigh. “I never know where you are! Or—or where you’re going! Or how long you’ll be gone, or if you’d rather be here—”
“Hey, hey, woah—” Shou tries to interrupt.
“Please just let me say this!” Ritsu says a little too loudly. But in the end, it’s effective, because Shou shuts his mouth. His grip tightens around Shou as he decides how to voice his thoughts. In the end, he decides to just use the metaphor he’s been using in his own head and hope that Shou gets it. “You’re like a stray cat. You’re always coming and going, and I never know when I’m going to see you. And when you’re here—when you’re here, I’m happy. But when you’re gone…” Ritsu hesitates as he looks down at one of Shou’s shoulders. “When you’re gone, I miss you. And I worry about you. And I wonder if you feel the same way, or if you’re off having the time of your life in a back ally somewhere.”
“Ritsu—” Shou starts, but Ritsu can’t stop.
“And the thing is, if you are happy in some back ally, I don’t want to take that away from you. I don’t want to make you miserable by trying to put a collar on you and make you be mine. But—but I want more. And maybe if that’s what I want, then I should just get a cat that’s used to being indoors, someone like Shimoda.” Shou lets out an indignant noise at that, but Ritsu just continues. “But I don’t want someone like him. I want you. You’re brave, and reckless, and smart, and stupidly uninhibited, and so insufferable, and you get me better than anyone—”
“I’m not sure all of those things are compliments, Ritz,” Shou interjects.
“They don’t have to be,” Ritsu snaps, sounding firm. He can feel himself blush when he admits, “I like them anyway.”
Shou grins at him, like he’s not watching Ritsu have a meltdown at a dance that he crashed with a literal helicopter. “I like you,” Shou says like that explains everything. Ritsu is ready to choke him to get more out of him, but when his eyes go downcast, Ritsu knows he’s about to say more. “And look, maybe you’re kinda right about me bein’ a stray cat and all, but… I’m probably trainable, ya know?”
“Probably?” Ritsu questions, searching for Shou’s eyes.
Shou hums, and his blue eyes turn back up just to trap Ritsu in place. “Definitely, if my owner’s persistent. And I think you’re a pretty persistent guy, Ritsu.”
Ritsu smiles and moves closer to Shou, leaning down to let his forehead rest against Shou’s shoulder even if it does leave him hunched over. He thinks maybe knowing that Shou wants it to, will make it easier for Ritsu to tell him what he wants.
“But you’ve gotta be real with me here, Ritsu,” Shou says into his ear. Ritsu doesn’t move but listens carefully. “Is it enough to ask ya to be my boyfriend or do I need to actually wear a collar?”
Ritsu’s face goes red, and he stays in place only to keep it hidden.
“Because if that’s what you’re into, I’m game, ya know? I—”
Ritsu finally removes his head from Shou’s shoulder and shoves him away. “It—it was a metaphor!”
But Shou’s already cackling like it’s the funniest thing in the world, and damn, he looks pretty. It’s only once he’s had his fill that he looks over and says, “Whatever you say, Ricchan. Now come over here and scratch behind my ears.”
Ritsu rolls his eyes and doesn’t move, but Shou comes over and locks his arms around him before he nuzzles into his neck like that cat that he is.
RItsu sighs, but he puts one arm back around Shou’s neck and uses his other hand to smooth down some of Shou’s growing hair. Maybe he will get Shou a collar. It’d be worth it just to see his face.
“I can tell you’re thinking about it,” Shou whispers against his neck.
“Fuck off before I get a spray bottle,” Ritsu retorts.
He feels light when his boyfriend laughs against him.