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To Im Nayeon, the love of my life
Hi, bunny. It's quite late as I'm writing this, but that's okay. I'll always stay up a few minutes later for you.
I hope you're doing well. I saw you yesterday, but I know you won't remember when I visit you tomorrow or later today. That's okay. I can do all the remembering for the both of us.
You looked beautiful today. Well, you always look beautiful. But today. Wow. You were wearing a baby blue and white horizontal striped fuzzy sweater. My favorite girl wearing her favorite color.
You were excited to see me today and it made me happy. You told me all about the breakfast the nurse made you. You liked it so much that you let me know three times! Ha ha.
Well, anyway, I'm not just writing this letter for no reason. I'm writing it because I don't know how many more I'll be able to write to you. I want you to have something as a reminder of me even if you may forget who it's from. That's okay though. Like I said, I can do all the remembering for the both of us.
Speaking of remembering, I remember the first time we ever met. You were 9 and I was 8. We were on opposite sides of the playground doing our own thing, but I kicked the soccer ball your way by accident. When I ran over to get it, you chased me around the playground, crying about how I ruined the buttercups. I didn't know what you were talking about until you stopped chasing me and showed me the buttercups. They were definitely crushed.
I felt so bad that when we went inside, I made a buttercup drawing for you. I'm not sure you liked it, but you took it anyway. I think from then on I knew you were always going to be a part of my life.
The second time we met was in high school. Your family moved a few towns over the year we met so I was surprised to see you in my high school. You were much more grown up and you were breathtakingly beautiful (you still are!). I was nervous to talk to you since I didn't think you would remember me. I had an idea (which is still great in my opinion) to give you a buttercup after the last class of the day.
I waited by the back doors near the gym since I knew you'd be finishing with volleyball practice. Once you stepped outside, I think I startled you a bit but I pushed on and handed you the buttercup. You were a bit confused, but I think you quickly understood. You seemed to appreciate the buttercup this time around.
The first time we (or at least I did) noticed the feelings we had for each other were more than just best friends, I was over at your house. We were in your basement doing homework. I was working on math and you were... Well, you were painting your nails and talking about some kind of celebrity couple.
I had tuned you out at some point, but when you stopped talking, I looked up. We looked into each other's eyes, and for the first time, I noticed just how beautiful they are. A dark brown that's just light enough to get lost in. We were staring at each other for quite a long time (I think you had a huge crush on me. I mean, who wouldn't?) and I think my heart stopped at one point.
The second time (really the official first time) we noticed the feelings we had for each other were more than just best friends, we were by the Han River. We were in our first year in college and it was late. You wanted to let off steam and I needed an excuse to not do homework. Perfect.
We mostly sat in silence but it was comfortable. It's always been comfortable to sit with you, no matter how talkative or not.
I looked down at the grass and noticed a tiny buttercup poking out of the ground. I picked it and turned to you, tucking it behind your ear. I think that's the first time I ever really really looked at you. You were so beautiful (you're always beautiful) and the moonlight was making you glow.
You kissed me that night and ever since then I've never thought about anyone else but you.
Whenever we got married, I was more nervous than I've ever been. I was shaking like a leaf, waiting for you at the altar. I was so afraid that you'd regret saying yes to me even though we had been together for almost 6 years at that point. I was so afraid you'd realize that you were too good for me. Too beautiful. Too smart. Too kind. Too sweet.
When I saw you walk down the aisle though, all the nervousness left me. I was in awe at the way you were practically floating towards me. You looked like an angel and a princess all in one. Your dress was so beautiful and I wish I could just burn that image of you in my brain.
It was then that I knew that I would always be in love with you. All of your beauty. All of your kindness. All of your intelligence. All of your sweetness.
We were walking Kookeu (our first family dog who was a cute little cotton ball of joy) when you told me you were pregnant. We had been going through the process together and I was so afraid it wasn't going to work no matter how hard we tried. I was so scared that we were putting your body through so much stress for nothing.
You stopped and bent down and picked a buttercup out of the ground. You tucked it behind my ear and gave me a quick kiss before whispering in my ear. I thought I was going to die of joy at that moment (I'm glad I didn't because our little guy has grown into such a handsome young man. I can't believe he's already 20!).
I was coming back home from work when I found you sitting in front of the stove. You were crying because you couldn't remember how to turn it on or what setting to put it on to cook a pizza. It scared me to death and I rushed you to the hospital immediately. I don't think I slept for at least two nights while they were evaluating and testing you.
I was right by your side when we found out that you have early-onset dementia. I was right by your side when I felt like our whole world was crashing down around us.
We cried for a long time in that doctor's office. I was scared and angry and sad. It wasn't fair that there wasn't anything we could do to stop it.
We were in Hawaii when we took our last trip together. You were 53 and I was 52. You were having a hard time remembering certain things, but it was okay. I was more than willing to remember everything for you.
Hawaii was beautiful but it had nothing on you. All the sunrises and sunsets we watched, all the laughs we shared, and every single beach day we had will forever be burned into my memory.
I think my favorite memory from that trip is when I stopped while we were walking. I saw a buttercup and gave it to you. You looked a little confused at first, but you eventually remembered and tucked it behind my ear, kissing my cheek as a thank you.
Well, I'm having a little trouble writing now. I think I got something in my eyes because they're getting a little watery. Maybe it's a sign to wrap it up.
Anyway, I love you Nayeon. I love every moment we've shared from the time we were kids until now. No matter how much time we have left together, whether it's 5 seconds, 5 months, or 5 years, I will always love you.
You make me feel loved. You let me live a full life. You helped me raise a beautiful son.
Thank you for everything. Thank you for loving me.
To my sun, my moon, my world, and my stars.
I love you, buttercup.
Yours forever and always, until the end of time and after,
Yoo Jeongyeon