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Tsukasa woke up feeling….a little better than dead.
It’s not a bad thing, but for someone who doesn’t need sleep, it's still a little weird.
He slowly stood up and faced the mirror in his bathroom, nothing showed up, as usual.
Sitting in the bathtub, he raised his head up to the ceiling. Small peels of paint were already on the verge of falling.
With a flick of his hand, the cupboard across the bathtub shackles, but it doesn’t budge open.
He slightly hummed, but shrugged it off. He reckoned it was something that was so bad when he was alive that he just didn’t want his ghost to see. Curiosity kills the cat, but not if it has already been killed.
It’s been almost twenty years since the lockdown of the cupboard, but it still doesn’t even budge open. Tsukasa still tries to open the drawer daily, but he doesn’t expect anymore.
Slowly dragging himself from the bathtub, he floats to the kitchen, the potatoes in his kitchen has long grown all over the walls. He always blames himself for buying the potatoes before his death, he also forget to close the windows before his death, which he can’t close now, so the potatoes even have hydration, making the situation worse.
He stared at his keys hung near the door and the small cute drawing his sister once drew for him to remind him to bring his keys. It was so long ago, the ink and the paper was turning yellow and brown.
The ink started smearing, the paper crumbled, but not like he could do anything.
He floated out of the door, and started his “day”.
———
People often asked him to mind his own business, and he knew he should, whether it was when he was still alive or when he was dead.
But when he sat on a bench across a crying teen, sobbing his lungs away, he doubted the statement.
He stared at the boy, crying incoherent words, mumbling curse words. He coughed, sniffed, just like a typical heartbroken teenager. Just that he was crying really, really bad.
Tsukasa was about to float there and give him an invisible pat on the shoulder until he found out the boy’s hand was covered in blood. There were unknown flower petals.
Dandelions. Covered it blood. What a scene. The boy tried to shove the petals down his pocket to hide them, but the blood smeared around the edge of his pockets, making it suspicious in another way.
Tsukasa approached him slowly out of instinct, and asked “You okay?”
Pause.
He scoffs. He’s dead, how would the boy even hear him? He laughed it off and prepared to turn away when the boy suddenly spoke in a broken whisper.
“I’m fine.”
Oh.
“O-oh you can hear me…?”
Tsukasa slowly turned to the boy who still buried his face in his hands. Tsukasa could no longer see his face, but from the slight shaking, he could sense the boy was trying to calm him down but was still sobbing uncontrollably.
He watched as the boy coughed again, but when he slowly moved his face away from his hands, Tsukasa once again saw the boy’s hands covered with blood and dandelions.
He hesitated, but Tsukasa reckoned he should sit down beside him. If the boy could see him, he should at least be grateful someone could see him.
“So um….”
It was going to be awkward. He knew it. And regretted, and contemplated, and started to overthink, and-
“I guess I’m close to death then.”
The boy suddenly spoke.
Tsukasa’s eyes widened.
What the fuck is supposed to mea-
“You’re a ghost right…?”
The boy tried to wipe away his tears with his sleeves and forced a smile to Tsukasa.
Tsukasa couldn’t talk due to his brain still processing everything. The fact that the boy could see him, hear him, the flowers, the death statement, the-
“The flowers, they’re killing me.”
The boy said as he looked down to his pocket full of blood soaked dandelions.
“I have no idea why-“
“I have the hanahaki disease.”
Tsukasa paused. Hanahaki? At such a young age? He thought this only occurred to those old couples or those lovesick people or-
“People say once you’re near death, you will see more spirits. It’s great to get used to it I guess.”
The boy sighed and gripped his fists, oozing blood out of it,
Tsukasa was still in a trance, and when he was still processing everything, his brain redirected him back to the awkward friendship problem.
So with a broken voice and wobbling eyes, he could only scramble two words, moreover the choice of said words baffled him.
“What…name…?”
Fuck, I screwed up.
———
Rui, Kamishiro Rui was his name.
Tsukasa repeated his name in his head when he floated back home.
Rui said he had the hanahaki disease, but for some reason, he didn’t know who he loved.
He just felt lonely, a little depressed, and started to cough, then it turned to coughing blood, and then it turned to coughing flowers, and then Rui just reckoned he was near death bed.
Tsukasa was suspicious of course. What high school student would have hanahaki disease, no screw it, what can make a high school student love so hard and bad.
Too many questions yet too little answers.
He sighed and continued to walk along the busy streets of Shibuya. Filled with colourful lights and buskers, the huge televisions on buildings showing a random cat video, the sound of multiple crossing lights beeping together and people walking across them. Trains and cars driving past and the slight scent of waste gas.
But when was Shibuya not filled with people. It was a good couples spot, he reckoned. Of course, it was filled with malls, popular cafes for photo taking, arcades, and amazing restaurants.
Hundreds of couples walked past him, and he thought to himself, I’m single.
Would they laugh at m-
No, I'm dead. Yeah. There is no way they can see me being lonely and single.
Yeah….
So why could Rui see him-
Tsukasa went back to the said question and mentally questioned his sanity.
———
Going to the park used to be his usual routine. Once he died, he would look at the running children and the people just enjoying the simple view of the flowers.
But now it included a boy crying and sobbing in the corner.
He still thought of if he should approach Rui again, it’s not like Rui would open up to him, Tsukasa was a nobody to him, of course he wouldn’t, it was common sense.
Tsukasa sat down on a bench, closing his eyes and leaning back on the chair. Slowly calming down and just listening to the laughter of children and birds chirping, enjoying the piercing sun. He took a deep breath and-
“You’re back.”
He jolted and immediately opened his eyes.
“I almost choked you fucking-“
Oh.
“Rui. You’re here.”
Rui fumbled his fingers while avoiding eye contact. Biting his bottom lip, he seems nervous to speak. He took a deep breath and tried to build up his courage to speak, but it resulted in him coughing out blood and dandelions again.
“Fuck- are you okay-“
Tsukasa was worried, the amount of blood and dandelions increased at a rapid speed. When he first met Rui, he would only see a few speckles of the flower, but now, he saw a few whole flowers.
“I don’t think I can say I am…”
Rui sighed and mumbled. He was still avoiding eye contact, but at least he could now speak without petals pouring out his mouth.
Dangling his feet, Tsukasa asked,
“Don’t you have school? You seem like a high school student.”
“I do, but my parents could care less. They are always on trips, they don’t even know I’m coughing my lungs out. They send me a load of money to make up for their absence, but I’m just a student, how am I going to spend it all? Moreover, it’s not like I can go to school in this state anyways.”
Hanahaki disease or not, it still doesn’t make coughing blood less worrying or scary. It wasn’t contagious, but if Rui even had to explain so much, Tsukasa was worried it would worsen his condition even more.
Rui coughed again and more petals started to pour out of his mouth.
Tsukasa knew he couldn’t do much. No one knew who Rui loved. Heck, not even Rui knew who he loved.
But he reckoned that even if Rui could feel slightly happier, it would take his mind off the problem and maybe reduce his coughing.
And so Tsukasa stood up from the bench and looked at Rui, extending his hand to him.
“You’re rich right? Let’s go to arcades, cafes, malls- oh right, you can’t hold my hand wait-“
He was about to retract his hand but Rui pretended to hold his hand, making Tsukasa pause.
“Sure.”
And for the first time, he saw Rui smiling genuinely.
———
Arriving at a quiet cafe, Rui and Tsukasa stood in front of the entrance.
“Are you sure-“
“Yes I’m sure.”
Tsukasa tried to reassure Rui, but to be honest, he wasn’t sure either. It wasn’t like he was a therapist, neither was he human anymore, but what bad can a simple cafe do.
Rui fumbled around and decided to just walk in the cafe, the waiter brought him to a seat near the window, far away from most of the other people in the cafe, the warm sunlight shines across the table to the wooden table and the cafe had a light yet comfy scent of coffee and freshly baked pastries.
Rui was close to coughing out petals again so he simply wrote down his order on a post it note and passed it to the waiter. Tsukasa sat across him, looking at Rui struggling to talk and finally submitting to writing down his order. He was more than worried, but he couldn’t do anything.
Not long after, a shot of black coffee and a slice of tiramisu cake arrived on the table. And Tsukasa couldn’t help but furrow his eyebrows.
“I don’t think drinking this concentrated coffee at this age is good for your body.”
Tsukasa crossed his arms, while Rui could only chuckle.
“Are you turning into my mom now? Besides, my body isn’t good anyways, I could care less now.”
Tsukasa was happy Rui could still joke, but for now, it wasn’t the important part.
“Don’t teenagers drink frappes or milk coffee? Or maybe even just Chocolate?”
“The strong bitter taste cancels out the sappy blood taste in my throat, I don’t like the taste of the coffee, but it’s better than the blood.”
Rui said before calmly sipping his shot, and Tsukasa was even slightly amazed how calm a teenager could be when sipping such concentrated coffee.
When Tsukasa was alive, he couldn’t even drink milk coffee without crinkling his face after drinking it. He would drink it to keep himself awake when he burnt the midnight oil, but he now envy’s when he could still be able to sleep.
Taking a bite of his cake, Rui finally asked Tsukasa something.
“I know this sounds offensive, but how did you… you know…”
Of course, no one would say it out loud, but Tsukasa could understood some extent why Rui wanted to know.
“I actually don’t know how I died. I just woke up in a hospital and saw my dead body lying on a bed and my family surrounding it. And I kind of just… sucked it up. I was still a high school student when I died so… yeah.”
Tsukasa sighed as he looked out the window. The sun is almost blinding, but it was at least better than raining. Being positive was what Tsukasa was best at, next being delulu.
Once the both stopped talking, only the slight clanking of coffee cups and the light whistles of steam whirred around them.
No words were needed, they just enjoyed the warmth of the cafe and the presence of each other.
“How do you cope…?”
Rui suddenly blurted out while still holding the fork in his mouth, avoiding eye contact. Tsukasa thought about it and still contemplated if he should say his answer. What if Rui took his answer as advice but failed. The blame would be on him and he’ll die of embarrassment- no wait. He’s dead already,
“Oh um… being positive to a delusional extent I guess.”
Tsukasa didn’t continue to explain, but let Rui contemplate his words in his own way.
“So… if I put that advice to use, can I say that you like me enough to take me on a cafe date?”
“I- I guess.”
Loss for words, Tsukasa mentally face palmed himself.
He really should’ve explained.
———
“So… where do we go next..?”
Rui asked as he slipped his wallet back in his pocket. The sun was still blinding, and now being outdoors, it was tiring and unbearable.
“Um… arcade…?”
Tsukasa questioned his answer, but even though he wasn’t human, he still found the blaring sun to be somewhat annoying. He reckoned it wasn’t any better for Rui, who would actually feel much worse since he was human.
Slowly starting the walk to the arcade, Tsukasa tried to think of small talk topics, but unfortunately, he wasn’t a good person for girl talk.
“You coughed less…”
They weren’t together for long, but Tsukasa could no longer hear Rui coughing every three minutes. It was now every five to seven minutes, not like it was any longer but there was some sort of improvement.
“Yeah…”
Rui looked down to his bloody hanger chief in his pocket and smiled to himself. The bitter coffee taste still lingered in his throat but he reckoned it wasn’t only the coffee that made him feel better.
He wrapped the bloody flowers in a tissue and dumped it in a nearby trash can before continuing his journey to the arcade with Tsukasa. Tsukasa smiled to himself too, thinking he actually could help someone after this death seemed almost a miracle.
But what if he got better?
———
A person close to death’s bed will see spirits. The only reason why Rui could see Tsukasa. But what if his disease was turning better?
Hanahaki could only be cured by the requited love, but if there wasn't love in the first place, then what would the cure be?
Tsukasa tried his best, going on dates, taking Rui to malls, restaurants, or just scrolling around streets.
Rui was always on time when it came to meeting up with Tsukasa at the park. Same time, same bench. They never really came up with a time or a schedule, they just saw each other and decided to spend time with each other.
They liked each other's presence, and both felt less lonely. Rui coughed less, and Tsukasa no longer spent all his time in his potato filled house.
But something was worrying Tsukasa.
Rui was getting better.
He coughed less, less blood, less flowers. He no longer coughed his lungs out, no longer had petals pouring out of his mouth, no longer had blood dripping out of his hanger-chief.
And a question from Rui a few days ago made Tsukasa wonder.
“Tsukasa, why are you turning more… invisible…?”
Tsukasa questioned everything and came to a conclusion. Rui was getting better and getting more far away from death's bed, so… one day he won’t even be able to see Tsukasa.
It was great that Rui was getting better, but it made Tsukasa wonder what life would be if Rui could no longer see him. It would be back to normal, but what was normal anymore? He’s been with Rui for almost two months and it has almost become a usual. If anything, this was becoming “normal”.
Back to the Hanahaki question. Unrequited love was the problem, requited love was the cure. Maybe Rui had finally found his love, and it was going smoothly.
Tsukasa started to over calculate, but maybe suddenly one of his “strengths” came to his mind.
“What if he likes me…?”
Tsukasa was so good at being delusional that it sometimes scares himself.
———
Tsukasa decided for both of their well being (mostly himself) that he should try to know what Rui thought of him.
But Tsukasa was never good at words.
“Rui… what do you think of me…?”
Tsukasa looked down while avoiding eye contact, but tried to sound calm. He was fidgeting with his fingers, slightly squirming. And Rui could only hold his chuckle when looking at him.
“Um… well. A dumb delusional I guess.”
Rui grinned at him, while Tsukasa could only look at him dumbfounded.
His smile looks so good, he’s grinning at me, he says I’m dumb, is that a compliment, is dumb another word for cute, what part of guessing does he mean.
Thousand more thoughts popped up in Tsukasa’s head, and a slight blush appeared on his face. He knew he was blushing, but he had been being a ghost too long and forgot he needed to hide himself.
“Your blush is cute.”
Rui chuckled.
Tsukasa may not be good at girl talk, but at some point, he had a heart of a high school girl.
———
“Fuck I’m late….”
Tsukasa sat in his bathtub for too long overthinking, that he was running late to meet up with Rui.
Trying his best to rush there, he ran to the bench Rui should be on.
Should be.
But Rui was on the playground, playing with the kids. He guided the kids down slides, giggled at the kids spinning, and overall was happy with playing with the mini chubby humans.
Tsukasa smiled.
Because he saw Rui having a good time. He was grateful, impressed, and he felt his cheeks heating up at Rui smiling again.
Finally knowing he needed to hide, he cupped his face to hide the blush and mentally questioned himself again.
Looking down and racing thoughts, he slowly felt another set of hands on his cheeks.
“You okay?”
Rui was cupping his cheeks, leaning close to his face. A few more inches and Rui would’ve kissed Tsukasa.
And Tsukasa started to question if he was actually delusional.
———
It was raining heavily. And even though Tsukasa couldn’t actually get wet, he still wasn’t a fan of the rain.
The windows of his apartment were still open, the rain seeping into his apartment, hydrating the potatoes.
As a ghost, he couldn’t get wet, but he still wouldn’t want to go out. The vibe was just… off.
But he went to the park anyway, wanting to spend some time alone.
But when he got to the park, all he saw was Rui lying on one of the benches unconscious without an umbrella.
“Rui… Rui, wake up… RUI.”
Rui jolted awake, the rain dripping down his cheeks.
“Tsukasa…”
Rui slowly whispered his name. But Tsukasa couldn’t care too much. Rui sat up despite being way below normal temperature, to which Tsukasa blurted out.
“You can walk right…?”
Rui paused but slowly nodded.
“I thought you wouldn’t come.”
Those were the only words that Rui could say? Tsukasa was startled and baffled, but it wasn’t the time for that.
“Where do you live?”
Tsukasa didn’t think much about whether Rui would let him in, but he couldn't let Rui be alone in this condition.
Rui slowly stood up from the bench and raised his head, forced a smile to Tsukasa and looked at him.
“Tsukasa… you’re… disappearing….?”
———
Rui turned on the heater in his apartment before he went to take a bath while Tsukasa sat on his couch in the living room. It wasn’t covered in potatoes nor were the windows open, just like what an apartment of a normal human would be.
A faint scent of Rui’s shampoo seeped through the bathroom. Tsukasa was at least happy that Rui was willing to shower, but he was still worried.
No longer worried about if he was coughing, he was now worrying about Rui’s common sense. Who in the right mind would go to a park even if the rain was pouring?! But it wasn’t like anyone with Hanahaki was in their right mind. Maybe left mind, Tsukasa joked to himself.
He turned on the television and very instinctively opened a random ghibli movie.
Humming to the soft cheerful tune of Totoro, he slowly felt tired waiting for Rui.
And when Rui came out of the bathroom, he could only see Tsukasa hugging a pillow while he curled up in a sleeping position, letting out soft snores.
Rui smiled as the movie went on and sat next to Tsukasa, wrapping his hands around him.
Even though Rui was losing sight of Tsukasa, he still wants to be delusional. And cling onto some hope. And not end up like the seemingly happy yet sad ending of Totoro.
———
“Tsukasa!”
Rui dashed to Tsukasa carrying a poster. Happily grinning and smiling.
“Do you want to go to the Masturi festival with me?”
Tsukasa’s eyes widened. Rui inviting him to the festival? That was a good place to prove his delusions, and spend time to cure his Hanahaki. But it felt selfish and-
“But don’t you have friends you want to go with?”
Fuck. Tsukasa regretted it again. He immediately tried to think of something to change the meaning, but the words said were simpler yet straightforward. Why did that even spew out of his mouth, fuck fuck-
“I want to go with you.”
Rui seemed confused but stood his ground. Of course he noticed the slight difference in Tsukasa’s voice. It turned wobbly and nervous, and he was holding it in not to cup his cheeks and squeeze them and reassure him.
And long awaited. Finally, during the Masturi festival, Tsukasa could only admire Rui’s yukata attire.
“D-do I look good...?”
“Y-yeah… yeah you look good.”
Tsukasa mumbled while avoiding eye contact, hiding his blush. Rui in a yukata- RUIINAYUKATA-
Rui silently chuckled while looking at Tsukasa avoiding his eyes, and Tsukasa tried his utmost best to remain calm, despite everyone around him knowing he was failing unconsciously.
It was going to be a long night.
———
“Hey Rui, that's the candy apples!”
“Rui, it's takoyaki!”
“That teddy bear from the shooting game looks really cute!”
To distract himself from blushing again at Rui, Tsukasa decided to focus on the festival instead. Pointing at everything that caught his attention.
The ghost used to hate going to festivals. Seeing everyone so happy with their friends and partners made Tsukasa really lonely as a ghost. Understandable.
But now only Rui could see him, it somehow seemed special.
Tsukasa was grateful that Rui was willing to go with him. So he smiled at Rui while pointing to every attraction, trying to cheer him and himself up.
And Rui gladly obliged to every request. Buying candy apples and takoyaki and winning ‘that’ teddy bear.
Seeing Tsukasa getting excited and happy getting all the attention, Rui felt very proud of being the source of his happiness. No one could see Tsukasa except for him, making him the only one to make him smile. Only he could make him laugh.
Despite how manipulative that sounds, Rui felt more than proud of the statement.
So when he saw Tsukasa waving in front of him, laughing and teasing him, asking him to catch up, Rui only smiled and kindly obliged, locking hands with him.
———
“Hey Rui, I’m disappearing right…?”
Tsukasa slowly muttered. It was the Matsuri festival, but they still came back to the same park, staring at the fireworks in the sky, glancing at the busy street below the park. They were once there too, but it was still better if they were alone.
“Yeah…”
It was almost inaudible. Like he didn’t want this ending.
If he didn’t say any of this, would this change? If he didn’t think of this ending, would fate appear to be different? If he never met him.
No.
He shouldn’t think such.
“Rui, when I go, I want to go out just like the fireworks.”
Rui paused, but he could only nod. Gripping the teddy in his lap, he tried to look as calm as possible and not let the mood down.
“Yeah.”
Rui sniffed, holding his tears.
“The moon looks beautiful today.”
———
Rui stopped coughing dandelions. There was still some blood now and there, but it was much better, and Rui was happy.
But Tsukasa was slowly disappearing. No, Tsukasa wasn’t disappearing, Rui was just turning happier.
First Rui only noticed the absence of Tsukasa’s feet, but it slowly became his hands, his lower body, then his stomach.
Every time it was after one of their dates, when Rui felt the happiest. Rui would immediately notice Tsukasa was missing some parts of him left.
When Tsukasa’s upper body was almost completely gone, he made his whole body appear in an almost invisible manner.
It would certainly be awkward if he had only a head to be seen by Rui.
It was raining again, and they wrapped themselves around a blanket watching Totoro.
It was Rui this time that felt tired, and Tsukasa felt his life slipping away, but he knew he couldn’t do anything to stop it.
He was happy to see Rui happy again, and he wasn’t going to let himself get in the way.
He patted Rui’s head and kissed his forehead before Rui slept on Tsukasa’s shoulder, leaving the slow tune of Totoro playing in the background.
But when Rui woke up, he was leaning on the sofa, alone, with the ending theme of Totoro.
“Tsukasa, you said you wanted to go out like fireworks… yet you went like the moon…”
Rui said, hugging his pillow. Sinking his head in his pillow, he closed his eyes.
He got the Totoro ending.
———
Tsukasa floated back home. Despite the blaring sun, despite the smell of freshly baked pastries, despite the little humans playing in the playground, nothing made Tsukasa smile.
He only floated around. What would Rui think when he woke up and found Tsukasa already gone? He was sure Rui wouldn’t be able to see him anymore.
He didn’t cry. But he just felt… empty.
He dragged himself back to his apartment. Slipping in the door, he saw the potatoes and the windows again.
He flicked his hand to the never-budging drawer. He dipped his head, not expecting anything already.
But the drawer clicked open.
Tsukasa slowly raised his head. Hesitantly, he floated towards the drawer.
Nothing.
Nothing was in the drawer. When he expected letters, pictures, memos, it was nothing.
Just a plain empty wooden drawer.
Maybe this is it. He was expecting nothing. He worked so hard just to hurt himself. Is it worth it?
No. Was it worth it?
He closed the empty drawer once again.
He really wanted something. But in the end, he still had nothing.
It was a strength of Tsukasa, being delusional.
———
Even though Tsukasa knew Rui could no longer see him, he still sat at the same bench.
Like anything, he stopped expecting, so why was he still back?
He started to close his eyes and enjoy the sounds of laughter from children again, but a short shuffle stopped him.
Rui sat across him.
They both knew Rui could no longer see Tsukasa, but this time, Rui was in his flimsy school uniform and a backpack.
He sat down across him from when they first met, sighed, and dropped down a letter.
“I’ll be off to school now.”
Rui smiled to the bench across him. He couldn’t see anything, but he imagined Tsukasa to be looking at him, smiling just as happy as he is, delusional much.
And Tsukasa finally broke down in tears as he looked at Rui for the final time.
“Yeah. Good luck.”
———
“If the sky, that we look upon, should tumble and fall
Or the mountains, should crumble, to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry, no-no-no I won't shed a tear
Just as long, as you stand, by me”
Tsukasa quietly hummed. He was surely an oldie, but you can’t deny stand by me being a total classic.
“When the night, has come
And, and the land is dark
And the moon, is the only, only light we'll see”
He tried so hard to finish the song. It was surely a wonderful song, and if not, a happy and sappy romance song,
So why was he crying so bad?
“Come on, come on, stand, stand right here…”
Finally finishing, he gripped his fists until his knuckles turned white, he wanted to cry so bad but no tears were flowing.
“Come back…come back…”
Tsukasa muttered as he sniffed on the bench.
He was once the one comforting the boy crying across him, but now he was the boy crying, but he was all alone now.
———
Ten years pasted by quickly.
Tsukasa’s apartment was being sold. Many people avoided buying it at first because they knew a person died in it, but it’s been ten years, it should be fine.
He looked at his potato walls and the windows. The drawer and the drawing his sister gave him.
So this was his ending.
He sighed to himself.
He walked to the bathroom, he still couldn’t see himself, but he no longer expected anything.
Sitting on the couch, he pictured the people walking through the doors. Couples? A businessman? A freshman? A few friends sharing?
He didn’t know, but it was somewhat amusing to think about it.
The slight clicking of the door woke Tsukasa from his daydream.
“So the state of the apartment is a little broken… but we’ll cover you on that aspect.”
The landlord said as he opened the door, welcoming the person to the room.
And the person slowly walked in, looking around before finally setting eyes on the figure on the sofa.
“Sir? Are you okay? Is the flat not to your liking? Sir? Sir??”
The landlord looked anxious looking at the person standing still in the middle of the room.
Yet the person could only lock eyes on the figure in the sofa. Mumbling.
“Tsukasa-“
———