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Yunjin leaned back onto her bed letting the sounds of the music course through her headphones and into her veins. She’d turned off the main light in her room, so all that lit it was the small lamp on her desk, casting a shadow over its far half. She felt herself fall deeper into her mattress as the chorus kicked in, and she closed her eyes. She lay there until the music was all she could feel, until she couldn’t hear the other girls wandering around the dorm until she couldn’t hear the wind from her open window rustling one of the posters on her wall until she couldn’t hear her own pulse that seemed to be moving at lightning speed all day.
Nothing had happened, it was an exceptionally normal day. Wake up, breakfast, workout, studio time, lunch, dance practice, interview, dance practice, dinner, and more dance practice. It was like any other day, except it wasn’t. Every wrong note echoed in her ears, every stumble felt like she was going to collapse, and every off-hand comment - no matter how well-intentioned - went straight to her gut, twisting and turning around until it landed like an anchor in the ocean, keeping her stuck in her head and weighing her down. She could tell her members were picking up on it, how could they not? She knew they noticed every time she looked up at the ceiling, blinking away tears she refused to let fall, tears she didn’t even understand the reasoning behind. She saw the glances Sakura gave her when she sniffled a little louder than she meant, she felt the pats on her back from Eunchae when she had to force her breathing to slow down, but from a distance, and she technically heard the words that Chaewon said to her when they were refilling their water bottles in the company kitchen, but she couldn’t come close to figuring out what they talked about. She saw the glances Kazuha sent the choreographer every time she had to stop the music, not knowing how to speak up, to tell them to go a little easier, that they were tired.
Yunjin didn’t need to slow down. She told herself to just push through the day, that if she just followed the directions better she could be done, and the sooner she could shut her door and close out everything for the night. The second she walked through the front door with the other girls Yunjiin kicked off her shoes and quietly made her way to her room. This was where she found herself now. Headphones on, door closed, curtains drawn, eyes shut. She could feel the way her breath shook gently every time she breathed, and the way her eyes welled up and her cheeks grew warm every time the song built up to the chorus, feeling it in her core when the background vocals echoed that of the singer. As the song went on she was transported, her walls that were covered in photos of her and her members, in letters from her friends back home, in posters of her favourite movies were replaced with posters ripped from magazines, drawings her and her friends made in class, and scattered ticket stubs taped all around them. She was no longer Huh Yunjin of LE SSERAFIM, she was the anxious 14-year-old who hid behind her hair and baggy sweaters.
The song ended. Then started again. Yunjin let the tears fall this time, she let herself lose her breath, and her control. She let herself finally feel for the first time that day, finally letting out everything that had been building up. She paid no mind to her volume and was sure at least one of the girls could hear her, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She wasn’t embarrassed about feeling like this, she just didn’t want to burden any of them with her feelings. She knew the older members had enough on their plate and she didn’t want to worry the younger ones. She knew the others had this idea of her as the idol who wanted to break barriers, who was brave and outspoken, who was always ready to support them, she didn’t want them to think of her as someone to worry about.
The song looped again. Yunjin wiped her tears with the sleeves of her sweater. She cried again.
After a few more loops, a few more breaths, and a few more tears, she decided crying to the same song over and over was too depressing even for her and decided to just play the album the song came from instead. She felt the waves of nostalgia wash over her with every guitar riff and cymbal crash. She felt herself get transported to her old classroom, to the times when she was studying in the back of the class, with her headphones on, blasting the music that made her heart beat. She was back in front of her mirror at her parent's house, putting on eyeliner for the first time and making a complete mess of it, she was in the bathroom with her sister, cutting her hair in secret in the middle of the night. She was back in the backseat of the car, looking out the window, hearing knocking on her door. The car, the mirror, the homework and the scissors evaporated in front of her and she was back in her empty bed, hearing the muffled knocking through her headphones.
Yunjin paused her music, but left her headphones on waiting for the knocking to stop, maybe if she waited long enough whoever was at the door would realize they didn’t want to be burdened with helping her and go somewhere else. Then she heard a knock again.
“Unnie,” came a voice on the other side of the door. “Are you asleep?”
Yunjin took her headphones off and waited. It had been muffled enough that she couldn’t make out who was talking to her.
“I brought you some fruit.” She could make out Kazuha’s gentle tone. Yunjin cleared her throat quietly.
“One second,” she rolled out of her bed and made her way to her mirror to inspect herself before opening the door. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face was splotchy, and her hair was a mess and her eyelashes had clumped together, there was no way she could hide what she’d spent her afternoon doing. She made one last attempt at pulling herself together, she smoothed out her hair and took a few deep breaths. It did nothing. Yunjin made her way over to the door and opened it to see Kazuha. She was wearing the matching robe and pyjama set that all five of them had bought together and her hair was freshly washed, she looked clean and calm and perfect, she didn’t look like she spent the day holding herself together and the evening falling apart.
Kazuha held a bowl in her hands, filled with two tangerines, a stem of grapes, and a few pear slices. Yunjin felt her stomach growl, maybe she was hungry. She opened her door wider and moved to the side, gesturing for Kazuha to enter. When the younger girl had made herself comfortable on the bed, Yunjin threw herself down next to her, burying her face in the pillow.
“Unnie,” Kazuha whined.
“What?” Yunjin mumbled into the pillow.
“You can’t eat with your face in the pillow,” Kazuha said softly. “Turn around.”
“Maybe my pillow’s delicious, have you considered that?” Yunjin grumbled, emotionless.
“Unnie,” Kazuha nudged her with her foot. “Turn around, please.”
Yunjin flipped herself over and looked up at Kazuha who was looking down at her as she peeled the first orange. She separated the first piece and brought her hand over Yunjin’s frown.
“Open.”
Yunjin opened her mouth and accepted the piece of fruit, chewing it slowly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kazuha continued peeling the orange, switching between eating a piece for herself and setting them aside for Yunjin. The two of them sat in silence for a few seconds, each chewing the sweet slices.
“Not really,” Yunjin said after a while. “There’s not really much to say. Just having a day, I’ll get over it.” She opened her mouth as Kazuha gave her another piece.
“You don’t have to get over it. You’re allowed to have days, unnie.” Kazuha popped another piece into her mouth. “Would you tell me to just get over it? Or Eunchae?”
“That’s different though. I should be there to support you guys, you’re younger, our team should all be taking care of you.” Yunjin rolled over onto her stomach but propped herself up on her elbows this time. She plucked a few grapes from the bowl and ate them, pushing Kazuha’s hand back towards her own mouth when she went to give her the next orange piece.
“And yet you’re always the one running to hug Kkura-unnie when she cries too, funny isn’t it?” Kazuha said, stifling a smile.
Yunjin rolled her eyes and mumbled a “Whatever,” that had no heat behind it. She grabbed a few more grapes.
“I’m not going to force you to talk about it,” Kazuha started. “But I’m not going to let you wallow alone either. I have a feeling you’ll forget about all of us in here by yourself.” She moved the bowl of fruit onto the bedside table and shuffled down so she was on her back next to Yunjin. She paused when they were nearly face to face. “What were you listening to?” She gestured towards the headphones at the edge of the bed, the Bluetooth light still blinking.
“A song. I used to listen to it in high school.” Yunjin felt her face heat up.
“A song. One song.” Kazuha deadpanned. “You were in here all this time- I’m not even going to do that math.” She smiled. “Can I hear it?”
Yunjin reached for the headphones and handed them to Kazuha, who put them on slowly. She grabbed her phone and found the song again. She waited for Kazuha to give her a thumbs up to hit play. While Yunjin couldn’t hear the song itself, she felt the slow beginning when she saw Kazuha close her eyes, she could practically hear the instruments kick in at the chorus when Kazuha’s eyes snapped open, she stuck her hand in the air above them, holding up only her index finger and her pinky and waved it back and forth to the beat.
“You’re so cool, unnie,” Kazuha said after the song had ended and she had removed the headphones. “I always looked up to the people that listened to that kind of music in school. I never did but I thought they were so cool. They wore whatever they wanted, and played with their hair all the time. I wanted to do that, but my dance teacher would have killed me if I put colour in my hair.”
“Ah, it’s not that cool, Zuha. It’s just music, anyone can do those things with their clothes and stuff.” Yunjin felt shy all of a sudden, not expecting Kazuha to say so much. “As long as you did what made you happy, and listened to what you liked, or wore what made you comfortable. It doesn’t have to be that to be cool.”
“I know,” Kazuha said. “It’s just cool that you listened to this. It doesn’t seem like you at first, but if you listen to it, I can see why you like it.”
Yunjin positioned herself so she was on her side facing Kazuha. The other girl turned so she faced her as well.
“They were my favourite. I listened to them all the time. I had a lot of nights like these back then too, but instead of you, it was them keeping me company.” She felt herself welling up again, but she forced herself not to cry again.
Kazuha brought her hand up to Yunjin’s face and moved some of her hair out of the way. She brushed her fingers through it gently, smoothing it down more every time. She lightly grazed her long fingernails against her scalp every now and then. She watched Yunjin as she closed her eyes, and her breathing evened out. Her hand slowed down after another minute and she sat up slowly, not wanting to disturb Yunjin.
“Where y’going?” Yunjin mumbled, her eyes not even opening.
“I was just sitting up.” Kazuha yawned, the day finally catching up with her.
“Can you stay?” Yunjin asked. She opened her eyes to look up at Kazuha. “I don’t really want to be alone tonight.”
Kazuha smiled and nodded. She took her robe off and pulled down the covers of her bed slowly. Yunjin fidgeted her way under the blankets on her side as Kazuha got into the bed as well. She turned her back to Yunjin as she reached to turn off the small lamp illuminating the room. As she did, she felt Yunjin scoot closer to her and wrap her arms around her waist. Kazuha settled back into her and felt her steady breath on her shoulder.
“Maybe tomorrow you could show me more of that music?” she said into the dark.
“Mhm.” she felt the answer on her skin more than heard it.
“Okay,” Kazuha smiled. “Goodnight, unnie.”
“Goodnight Zuha,” Yunjin mumbled. “Thank you.”