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It was worth it, Basil tells himself. You did what you had to, and now there’s no point in you existing.
He wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t necessary. Sometimes, he wonders what it would be like being a toddler once more, tottering around and learning how to read. Those were memories that he was having trouble remembering--they were much too far away.
Aubrey’s bullying had gotten worse. She went from an unpleasant presence in his life to a monster he needed to run from if he saw her. She would get her gang and they would--Basil cannot remember what they do to him, but he knows he cannot live one more day with the possibility.
He could stay home. Ah, no. He can’t stay home. Polly would get nervous if he stayed for the entire day at home. She doesn’t know the full story, but she knows he is dangerous. But, really, Basil cannot blame her. No one knows the full story--Basil’s not sure Sunny remembers the full story.
Kel does not even look at him anymore. He once tried to rekindle their friendship--but you cannot rekindle much from ashes. But he had stopped trying now, and Basil watches as Kel pretends Basil is a ghost that he cannot see. Basil knows it is not personal, but he knows the most important thing is that Kel isn’t there anymore.
Hero has flown off to college, like a bird leaving the nest, and Basil watching him from the ground, without wings to follow him. Basil knows it is not personal, but he knows the most important thing is that Hero isn’t there anymore.
And Sunny? Ah, Sunny was a lost cause. Sunny himself believes that Basil killed his dear, beloved sister. No one wants to be around someone like that. Sunny would never want to look at Basil again. Sunny watches, emotionless, as Basil is tormented by Aubrey’s new friends. Basil will never be loved by Sunny again.
There’s no point, and you should really get on with it now, Basil tells himself.
He’s wanted to do this for ages, but when he acts upon the desire, fear dances inside his body. He’s odd like that. Basil isn’t sure if there is a positive adjective that can properly be used upon him.
It’s just a lake. He has to jump in it. Then he has to wait. Then it’s done. It’s not complicated. He’s really not sure why he’s scared. Does he want someone to hold his hand as he does it, or what?
Remember, he thinks, there is nothing left for you. You can’t leave Faraway, but you can’t get any jobs here. No one wants to hire you. You can’t make friends. You can’t do anything. There’s no point of existing.
He cannot go back to the life outside of this secret hangout spot. He cannot wake up knowing what his life has turned into.
It’s pitch black. Is he scared someone is going to show up? Any sane person would be sleeping, and then waking up to their perfectly fine lives, eating their eggs and bacon, getting a kiss from their mother and being told to have a good day, going to school, talking with their friends, playing sports, and going back to sleep for another great day. Basil did not eat for the entire day. He tells Polly he can cook for himself, and she believes him, but that is a lie, and lying is something he knows well. He survives off of the leftovers in the fridge.
Do it, he thinks. For the love of god, do it, would you?
Basil sits like a rock on the pier. Sunny almost drowned here. Sunny does not matter anymore. Basil protected him and now there’s no use for Basil anymore. He cannot spend another day being hated by everyone and Sunny not caring.
Move! he shouts to himself. Stop wasting time and just go!
Basil cannot move.
What if he dies and goes to hell? Basil doesn’t want to go to hell, even after everything he’s done. Just look at the pain he caused to his friends! And now he cannot bear getting pain in return? Goodness gracious. Basil would feel pain for years, years, years, until his sense of time had melted away like ice cream. He wants to get ice cream with his friends again.
What if he dies and he sees Mari? Basil does not want to see Mari. Basil cannot see Mari again. He wouldn’t mind if she hated him--he’s lost track of how many people have hated him. But what if Mari forgives him? He only wants to be forgiven by Sunny, he realizes. If he were to be forgiven by someone like Aubrey--he chortles quietly at such a ludicrous thought--he might vomit. That would not be right--Aubrey is supposed to hate him. He might really want her back, but he would also want for her to leave him alone.
Basil touches the water. It is cold. It’s summer, but up north, it’s mild weather. It’s cold out now because of course it is.
Suddenly, Basil does not feel scared anymore, because he realizes that there is no point. Others have the chance to have wonderful lives. They will walk up the hill of life, admire the beautiful sky, adorned with clouds, and feel their feet brushed against soft green grass. They will frolic waving pastel pinwheels and fall backwards into a pile of autumn leaves, and they will marvel at the vast expanse of space, with tens, hundreds, thousands, millions, billions of stars bedecked in it. They will be happy.
The problem is--Basil will never have that life. He will trudge upon a hill whose grass withered four years ago, and when he reaches the end, he will look back and wonder if it was worth it.
He still needs a moment to collect himself, but Basil has accepted his life is meaningless. He does not feel sad.
A rustle of leaves startles him. Basil looks backward and sees a figure.
No, he thinks. Everyone was supposed to be asleep. I’d finally worked up the courage. No--
“Hello?”
Basil feels like vomiting. That is Aubrey’s voice.
Aubrey walks further. “Um… who are you?”
Maybe if he stands completely still, he’ll creep her out and she’ll go away. She only walks closer.
“...” She looks at him. “Oh, it’s the neighborhood freak. What are you up to this time?”
She didn’t bring her bat, right? Of course she did.
“I guess he can’t even muster up the energy to speak.” She’s much too close.
Suddenly, Basil feels tired; the kind of tired sleep can’t fix.
“...Hmph. You think you’re smart or something, being all quiet? What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to drown myself,” Basil answers. He wants to sleep.
“...”
“So. You can leave.”
“What?” she snaps. “What do you mean?”
“I’m trying to drown myself,” Basil says, once again.
“No, but--what do you mean?”
“I said it twice,” Basil says. “I think you get the gist.”
She stands motionless for a very long moment.
“You don’t… get to leave,” she finally says. “You don’t get to run away from the consequences of your actions. How dare you try to leave?”
“I thought you hated me,” Basil tells her. “You should be happy I’m going.”
He feels the cold surface of a nail bat pressed against his neck.
“Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut UP!” She’s really mad. He’s only seen her this mad when the news of how Mari died started floating around. “Freak! You can’t LEAVE!”
“Why not?” he asks. “I’m not going to be your punching bag for any longer.”
“You deserve it,” she shouts. “You’re a monster, you know that? You don’t get to complain.”
“Ever heard of an accident?” he replies dryly. “I wasn’t even the one who did it.”
…Wait.
“...” Aubrey backs away. “What do you mean?”
Basil really messed up.
“It’s nothing,” he says, attempting to keep the desperation out of his voice. “It’s nothing. I’ll go back home, now.”
“No you’re not. What did you just say?”
“Nothing.” He heard his voice crack. Doesn’t matter. “Just go.”
“What do you mean you didn’t do it?”
“That was a lie, just a lie. I--I did it. Sunny didn’t do it.”
“What does Sunny have to do with this?”
“Nothing. J-just--forget I said anything. I’m just stupid. You go on. I need to go home.”
“You’re not… making any sense,” Aubrey says. She doesn’t look very mad--she looks terribly confused.
“Sunny did it,” Basil says before he could stop himself.
wait
“What?”
“I--”
“What do you mean Sunny did it?”
Curse Aubrey and her persistence.
“I’m just… b-blaming someone--” Basil can’t take it anymore. “Yes, Sunny did it! L-leave me alone!”
“...”
Aubrey stares at him. He doesn’t know what she will do next.
“What do you mean--” she pauses. “You know what? I’m sick of asking what’s happening. Just tell me.” Basil does not say anything. “Now,” she says threateningly.
“It was an a-accident,” he says, the words rolling off his tongue. “Sunny really di-didn’t mean it. Sunny’s a good person--he would never do something like that. I saw him and M-m--Mari fighting, a-and then he--it was an accident. I promise you he didn’t mean it.”
Aubrey backs away. “...Liar.”
Good--she thinks he’s lying. Now he can pretend the whole story was a sham and run for it. Basil does not want Sunny to know how Basil feels every day, for years, for years, for years, an outcast, for years, for years… he had been putting this drowning stunt off for Sunny, in the slim chance he’d feel sad about Basil’s passing. Basil does not remember when he did not feel as if he was loving a stranger.
Aubrey seizes his wrist, eliciting a startled yelp from him.
“W-what are you doing?” Basil asks, futilely attempting to free himself.
“We’re going,” she replies, “to Sunny’s house.”
“Now--? It’s… what’s the time?”
“Last time I checked, it was 11 PM.”
“T-they’ll all be sleeping--and Sunny’s parents h-hate me,” Basil pleads.
“Well… okay,” Aubrey says. “I’m talking to you first thing in the morning.”
She leaves.
Basil must put it off for yet another day. He must know what happens to Sunny.
---
Basil is startled awake by a barrage of muffled pounding.
“Basil,” a muffled voice calls out. “This is Aubrey. I have Sunny with me… we need to talk.”
Where is Polly? he thinks. Polly would have rushed into his room by now at the noise, surely.
“Basil, open up, would you?”
Sunny’s there, he realizes. He quickly opens it.
“...” Sunny looks at him with eyes whose familiarity had been smothered by an old, tattered quilt. Basil does not remember when Sunny looked at him with something other than mild indifference as his life spiraled into a mess of unknown sentiments and the feeling that if Basil went insane, Basil would be happy. Basil loves Sunny--but what does it feel like to be loved back, again?
“Um… we just wanted to make sure you were awake,” Aubrey said. “Go open the door. We need to talk.”
Basil obliges.
Polly left a yellow sticky note on the fridge with the note I’m at the supermarket, will be back at 12 o’ clock written with a blue ballpoint pen.
“Now.” Aubrey looks him dead in the eye. “I’ve brought Sunny with me, so you can say your side of the story, or whatever…” She looks at Sunny with concern.
“Sunny,” Basil says hurriedly. “Y-you remember the recital, r-right?”
Sunny blinks.
“C’mon, Sunny…” Aubrey says. “This is important. I’m right here.”
Sunny nods.
“Do you remember arguing on that day? L-like, a really really bad argument. Super bad.”
“You…” Sunny simply says. Basil knows what he is thinking.
“So, this is p-probably how you remember the story--you and M-mari were arguing, and then I stepped in, a-and then I murdered her by accident by pushing her, r-right? And I’m a freak? And that everyone hates me?”
Sunny nods.
“Ah… well, I have a d-different story for you. Do you remember an a-argument that didn’t involve me?”
Sunny does not nod.
“Do you remember taking M-mari up… upstairs to bed? Because you thought she was s-sleeping, right? Don’t you?”
Aubrey looks ill. Like going-to-throw-up ill.
Sunny tilts his head.
“Do you remember someone telling you that they did it, and not you?”
Sunny nods. Aubrey looks confused on top of the ill-lookingness.
“Do you remember them saying it was you explicitly, a-and not you?” Basil says. “Do you remember thinking… that you did it?”
Sunny’s eyes widen.
“D-do you remember thinking you did it, and someone having to convince you otherwise?” Basil says. “Do you remember being convinced that someone else did it?”
Sunny’s eyes stay frozen as if he had transformed into a statue. He’s not moving.
The three sit such, in deafening silence, as Basil has no more to say.
What a day--he had finally managed to tell the truth. Had it been Hero, Basil would have cracked much sooner. Had it been Kel, Basil wouldn’t have tried to hide it.
Should he have done this a while back? Maybe he should have just told everyone Sunny pushing Mari was an accident--which it was, but he would really emphasize it. Maybe--maybe he could have hidden Mari’s body. No, he didn’t know how that could have been done. But no one would have been furious with Sunny if it was an accident, would they? No. No, no, they would. Everyone thought the fiasco was an accident--which it was, just not how they believed--and still they shunned him. Sunny did not deserve that.
“...Sunny?” Aubrey asks. “What’s wrong?” she asks. “You okay?”
“But…” Sunny says. “You did. You--it. You did.”
Basil hasn’t heard Sunny speak in a very long time. Aubrey doesn’t seem to have, either. Basil can recall Sunny telling him Mari had died in complete sentences.
“But…” Sunny repeats again. “Mari…” he says. “You--it--Mari was--” he says as if he intends to relay two different sentences that have jumbled up into a frayed thread.
“Sunny,” Aubrey says, “remember I’m right here--”
“No remembering,” Sunny almost shouts, suddenly. “No remembering, no…” His voice dwindles off. “I… I pushed…”
“Let’s go,” Aubrey offers. “It’ll be okay. I am beside you.”
The three sit such in silence once more, but now, Basil feels as if he is going to explode. He feels as sick as Aubrey looks.
They leave.
Oh, the horror Basil felt! The horror, the horror! Sunny is a good person. He would surely tell the truth--that Mari’s death was his doing, and he would be hated for it as Basil was. And the irony, too. For Basil had only felt the feeling of wanting to die for the past few years, and he no longer remembered the feeling of fear.
The door soon swings open once more, with Aubrey coming in alone, unwarranted.
“Basil,” she yells. “You… how could you do this to yourself? Basil--answer me! BASIL! Stop STARING!”
Basil can barely breathe.
Aubrey does not move, trying her best to stop hyperventilating for the next hour. She says she’ll tell Kel and Hero and everyone else. She apologizes. Basil could tell she was trying not to cry.
He wants to jump back into the lake, but now, he feels something else. He has the feeling that something good will come from him confessing--and that maybe, his life can be a little more than just grey misery.
He tells Aubrey everything will be okay.