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When a young Tomas met his new older brother, he immediately noticed how beautiful he was.
Bi-Han frowned at him right away, making it clear he didn't love the idea of an outsider entering their clan. Even as a child, being a true Lin Kuei was all too important to him.
Tomas grew up with a warm, kind brother. And a cold, distant one. While Kuai Liang made him feel loved, and somewhat filled the hole in his heart left by the loss of his mother and sister, he still often craved acceptance from their eldest.
At the time, he believed it to be simple admiration, idolization. That's what younger siblings tend to feel about big brothers, right? It's what makes sense.
But as time went on, he began to realize that while he definitely looked up to and admired his father and teachers, never looked at them the same way. He wasn't interested in their faces, or their mannerisms.
He didn't think about the length of their eyelashes, or the shape and color of their lips.
He never wondered how their hair must feel. Bi-Han's just looks so soft and silky, like it would feel nice to run your fingers through it.
Not that he would ever get to do such a thing. Last time Bi-Han caught him looking at him for too long, he sent him a glare that froze his whole body. He rarely said a word back when their parents were in the realm of the living, but his eyes were enough to convey how disgusted he was by his younger brother's mere existence, his presence in their territory.
It never stopped hurting, not really. Adults always told him Bi-Han just needed time, and would grow to accept him. Did they even actually believe that?
Anyway, time only made things worse. The harder Tomas worked to fit in, the more disappointing and frustrating it felt to be rejected. Even if that rejection came from only one person, it's the one person he wanted to be accepted by the most.
And once they grew up, once their father was no longer around, it became crystal clear that his wish for all of his sons to be a family was not going to happen.
By then, Tomas was already an adult. By then, he understood how messed up his situation was. If Father is somehow watching over them, he must be ashamed of him. And disappointed his children completely missed the mark of normal, healthy family.
Instead, if there's one thing Bi-Han loves doing, is reminding Tomas he is adopted.
What's even more fucked up than that, is that Tomas began to find comfort in it. That's right, his blood will never be Lin Kuei. And Bi-Han will never think of him as family.
He tries hard to convince himself that makes his pathetic crush slightly less immortal. But definitely not less humiliating.
One day, not too long after the death of their father, Tomas found Bi-Han sitting at their table, staring out a window.
It's winter. Bi-Han's favorite? Tomas wouldn't ask him such a silly question.
Grandmaster would somehow find it insulting. And honestly, Tomas prefers to avoid any unnecessary conversation. He isn’t scared of his brother, as rude and mean as Bi-Han can be, Tomas knows there are lines he won’t cross. Still, it’s better to steer clear from upsetting conversations. If he just watches Bi-Han from afar, he can enjoy all of the pleasant (his looks) and avoid all of the unpleasant (his truly awful personality).
Since they are home, his beautiful, pitch black hair is down. There's a distant look in his eyes. He is staring at nothing, probably lost in thought. Thoughts about his new responsibilities, perhaps? It can't be easy, suddenly being in charge of a whole clan… even if he has never shown any sign of not being up to the task.
But Bi-Han isn't even frowning right now, like he usually is. His expression is calm, relaxed. He has his guard down, for once. He looks… approachable.
Against his best judgment, Tomas steps closer, raises his hand. He feels like he just stumbled onto a golden opportunity he will never have again.
He will regret it later, but he slowly runs the tip of his fingers on his brother's pretty hair. Silky, soft, shiny against the soft light coming from their windows. How he always imagined.
But his heart is pounding so hard it might leave his chest, and his stupid face is turning red despite this being nowhere near romantic. Maybe it’s more about the thrill of doing something we would never be allowed to do.
Much to his surprise, when Bi-Han turns to him, he simply only looks confused, rather than... murderous.
Tomas slowly takes his hand back, and steps away, ending their extremely short lived physical contact. This might actually be the first time he touches his brother, not counting sparring. Not even when they were children, would Bi-Han let him hold his hand or help him when he fell. He actually just kept walking and left him behind…
Bi-Han frowns at him once the initial confusion is gone, of course, because this man simply can't go too long without frowning at someone. And Tomas has always been one of his favorite frowning targets.
Tomas would like to make up some bullshit explanation, but he is terrible at lying, and hates doing so. It feels wrong. The words are stuck in his throat.
"What are you doing?" His brother asks, in his unfairly attractive deep voice.
"Nothing." Tomas answers instantly, feeling more and more pathetic by the second, watching as Bi-Han raises a brow at him. “I… just wanted to touch it.” He admits, because what else could he possibly do?
This is followed by awkward silence.
Until Bi-Han turns back to the window, with a simple: “Do whatever you want.”
Is he… supposed to take that literally? Well, he will. It’s Bi-Han’s fault for giving him permission. He steps closer to him again. With a steadier hand now, he caresses his brother's hair.
He can enjoy the feeling more when he doesn't have anything to worry about. He can pay more attention to the way light reflects on it, he can brush it with his fingers and be in awe by how thin and delicate it is. He could do this for hours, really.
But now he has something else he is curious about… what expression is his brother even making now? There's no way this isn't causing any reaction, right? Bi-Han has ice walls around him all the time, no one is ever allowed this close. In fact, Tomas is starting to suspect this might be a sign his brother might be dying.
He leans to the side, trying to take a look, still holding the little braid he just made on his hair.
What he finds is that Bi-han's cheeks are very much red, while he continues to stare out the window just like before.
Tomas' heart skips a beat. Does Bi-Han… like this? He must. He would have shouted at him to go away otherwise.
Is it possible their Grandmaster desires this sort of thing, secretly? Is he simply too prideful and stern to make any attempts to get it? Is Tomas just making up nonsense in his head?
His speculation continues for some minutes, until his brother abruptly stands up, forcing him to let go of the strands of hair he was holding.
"Don't tell anyone about this, ever." Bi-Han orders him, quietly, possibly in case someone could hear it and become curious.
And with that, he walks away, covering face with a hand because he doesn't know Tomas already looked at it. Leaving his youngest sibling standing there, still questioning what even just happened.
But Tomas, stupidly, has a smile on his face. Even if this is all he will get, it's more than he could realistically expect.
He is happy. Sincerely happy.