Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He had been sulking a good six months before they so rudely interrupted his very alcoholic brunch. Or was it dinner? Crowley hadn’t bothered to check the time anymore, it was all the same. Day, night, light, dark, bla-bla-bla who gives a shit? This demon didn’t. Lounging in the pub at a booth he was nursing his seventh drink. To his displeasure, two low rank sat on either side of them. They were there simply to keep him in place. One was covered in soot like she had been cleaning a filthy chimney all afternoon. The other was bloated and looked like his face was going to melt.

“Bugger off won’t you?” Crowley growled in a slight slur. His face was flushed and it was clear he was far from sober. “Don’t you see I’m busy?”

“You aren’t busy. Not yet.” A third demon declared, sitting directly across from him.

“Ahh Shax! So not good to see you again.” He responded in high sarcasm. He smiled lazily as he worked to focus on her face. “Hey! Hey, how’d you make it up here after all the trouble you caused at the bookshop?”

“It looks like losing your pet angel hit you quite hard.”

“Well it looks like you – Should mind your own business.” He rebutted, finishing his glass.

“It is business I am here to discuss with you. Now will you focus!” She demanded. Crowley responded in the form of a burp.

Shax looked to her assistants. “Sober him up a bit, will you?”

“Now how are they gonna..” Crowley paused as each grabbed a wrist and absorbed the liquor from his blood stream. It felt like bugs were crawling all over his skin and it made him squirm uncomfortably. The demon lackies began to giggle at the sensation.

Newly sober, Crowley grimaced at the taste of whiskey on his tongue. “You didn’t have to do that, I could easily follow whatever ‘business’ you’ve got with me.”

“I know,” Shax shrugged with a wicked grin. “I just wanted it to hit you harder, you stupid lucky bastard.” She hissed.

Crowley’s brow furrowed with confusion. “What are you going on about?”

“Let me cut to the chase. A war is coming and it is understood that your former partner gook Gabriel’s place, meaning he is a high ranking archangel. You know him better than anyone else, which gives us an advantage. Also, there is an election coming up in Hell.”

“An election? What for??”

“Lord Beelzebub’s position is empty. It needs to be filled by someone, and you are on the ballot.”

His golden eyes popped open. “Me?! Take Beelzebub’s place, have you gone mad?!”  Crowley protested loudly, earning several turned heads within the pub. Hell had gone mental if they considered him to take the position of Duke. A Lord of Hell. He barely wanted to have anything to do with Hell let alone run it. They just wanted to exploit him because of the idiot angel he used to know.

“Yes.” Shax whispered sharply. “You are expected to go down and participate in the campaign. The position must be filled.”

“Who else is running other than me?”

“Oh just a few others. Zimm, Orkett, Mazakeen, demons you don’t know…...Yours truly.” She beamed.

“So you’re running for the position as well?” He waved his hand dismissively. “Go on take it, I hereby resign and give you my vote, congratulations Lord Shax you’re the second in command of Hell.” She always wanted a high ranking position anyway. It didn’t matter to him so as long as he didn’t disrupt his time on Earth. But then again there wasn’t much to live for anymore with him up in Heaven. The angel made his choice.

“It’s not that simple.” She put flatly. “You can’t resign.”

“What if I try throwing it on purpose?”

“You either get reassigned to clean Hell Hound shit for the rest of eternity or be banished to live on the sun.”

“…..ERghhhh…” Crowley groaned in disgust. “Fine! When do I start?”

Shax stood up and gestured her party to do the same. The charred and melted demons then stood beside her as she gazed coldly down at the sulking demon. How pathetic she thought he looked. “We will collect you when it is time.”

As they walked away, Crowley puppeted his hand in a mocking fashion and mouthed her words. ‘collect you when it’s time’. Up theirs! Shax’s party stumbled a bit, still drunk off his whiskey. Now he needed more. Due to the high volume consumed already, the bartender cut him off, thus inconveniently causing him to go find another one further away from his loft. He didn’t mean to, but the pub he went to ‘miraculously’ changed into “Nightingales” when it was originally “Jeff’s”. What kind of name is “Jeff” anyway? Or “Josh”? Sporty names perhaps but he didn’t know of any humans named Jeff or Josh. Where was he going with this? Oh, right! Whiskey!

It was 3am when he had found that perfect inebriated medium that helped him forget about everything. Just enough time to get kicked out… Again. It was fair enough, they were closing. Humans needed sleep after all. His auburn hair was all over the place like someone ruffled it. At his Bentley he hovered and fiddled with his keys trying to focus. Driving drunk was a bad idea, sure, but he wasn’t going to leave his beloved car on some random street. He wasn’t sure when he opened the door, but it was open! He let out a grunt and a sigh, mumbling to himself as he fell into the driver’s seat. Oh, so comfy, he thought. His head swam and his entire body was vibrating. His head lulled back and he just sat there.

Crowley didn’t even notice as the door closed and, even though the keys weren’t in the ignition, the car began to drive itself. He didn’t even have to touch the wheel. He didn’t know how or why it was doing what it was doing and he didn’t have the energy to care. Too drunk. His car uncharacteristically drove on gently moving like the rocking of a boat. He could nearly hear Aziraphale politely complaining to him about the poor state he was in and that he should be kinder to himself. Tears began to swell in his eyes. “Well if you didn’t leave me here maybe I wouldn’t be like this!” He cried out in a cracked voice. Nobody was there.  “You left me! You stupid – “ Crowley’s hands went into his face.

He continued ranting to himself.

“They’re going to try using me against you! Do you hear me?! You idiot! They’re going to try waging war and it’s all your fault they’re going to use me. But they can’t.” He gritted his teeth, trying to not sob. “I won’t fight you, angel.” His lip quivered. “I may want to knock your bloody daylights out but I can’t hurt you, I won’t, I can’t…”

He could nearly hear him again. Could nearly hear the angel say he was sorry and wished things were different. That he couldn’t bare the thought of harming him either. The car pulled over somewhere. His head rose and he struggled to see where he was. The book shop? He growled. “What are you doing, Aziraphale?! Are you behind the car thing?!! Stop it! You don’t have the ri…” Oh, shit.

Crowley suddenly found enough coordination to quickly open the car door and spill the contents of his stomach out on the street.

When he was done and felt safe to, he staggered out of the Bentley and to the front of the shop. Opening the door, he stood in pitch darkness. Maybe that was a good thing. He had no trouble seeing in the dark, though walking was an entirely different matter. His chest felt heavier walking in here. The memories he had attatched to this place. Good and bad. It still smelt like him. Crowley sighed. He couldn’t stay furious. At the moment it was too exhausting an emotion. He grimaced at the taste of acid on his tongue. He needed something to drink. Mouth wash perhaps? Or a fizzy drink. Still quite drunk he carefully made his way to the fridge in the back. Maybe the angel left things in there. As he recalled he left the place to Uriel, and she didn’t touch human food anything.

Swinging the door open he was hit with light. He hissed quietly in protest and grabbed the first thing in sight. Chocolate milk. Miraculously it was still fresh like yesterday, though it had been in there for… Oh he didn’t want to know how long. He chugged it down without further thought.

“Ah!! Oh, that hit the spot.” He said with great satisfaction, wiping his mouth off with a sleeve. Before he could close the door, he heard a shuffling noise. Crowley froze. He looked around but couldn’t quite make out form. Everything was still too fuzzy. He had to fix that.

“…Let there be light.” He proclaimed, snapping his fingers. The book shop’s lights all turned on and immediately Crowley was met by a blur of blonde hair headed right for him.

“Doctor!” A cheerful woman cried out.

Her lips immediately went to his as he was quickly backed into a shelf. WHAT the.. Her arms were around him in an embrace and his hands immediately went to her shoulders as the woman finally broke off the kiss to move her chin on his shoulder. “I thought I lost you.” She said with a sigh of relief.

Crowley stared out at nothing in particular. “Ahh. Uh… Uhm.. Sorry, who?”

“You, silly!” She pulled back to look at a flushed and extremely confused and conflicted Crowley who looked like he simultaneously wanted to run and stand in place at the same time. First time a human had ever kissed him and he was a deer in head lights. Her face fell.

“Doctor, what did you do to your hair?” She chuckled, running her fingers through it.

He sluffed her hand away. “You’ve got the wrong person – Sorry. How’d you get in here? Hey!”

She took his glasses off the second she saw gold. “Oh. Oh!” The woman quickly stepped back. “Who are you, and why do you look like the Doctor?” She demanded nervously, holding his glasses. She stared into his golden slit eyes trying to make sense of what she was seeing. He looked like her Doctor… Sounded like him, too. Did they slip into another parallel universe?!

“My name is Crowley, not Doctor.. Who? What’s the.. The guy you’re… Whatever, what’s yours? Tell me exactly how you got here.”

“…Rose. Rose Tyler. What did you do to him? What did you do to the Doctor?”

He was more confused than when he found his way here.

“Who?”

Chapter Text

He missed tea… More than he thought he would. Nibbles, too. Aziraphale had grown quite fond of things no other angels besides certain fallen ones had the pleasure of. He sat there quietly at the long and white meeting table. Lost in his own thoughts. His eyes were distant as his mind was somewhere else entirely. Aziraphale’s consciousness had been down to Earth for some time. He was worried for Crowley’s self-destructive behavior as of late. When he saw him about to drive drunk, he had to do something. For his demon’s safety along with all those around him, taking control of the Bentley was absolutely necessary. Thwarting a demon from endangering the lives of the innocent, that’s what it was. Nobody would argue despite knowing who it was. Nevermind the guilt that settled down in the pit of his stomach as he rose in the elevator.

He felt responsible.

It was Heaven or Hell. He couldn’t choose Earth at that moment, or else he would've driven Crowley home himself. But…. It couldn't be helped. He accepted the offer to take Gabriel's place and unlike Gabriel, he knew a thing or two about how humans operate. He could make a difference in this forced promotion.

"Aziraphale," Michael caught his attention. 

His head rose. "Yes?"

Back in Heaven, he was no longer alone. To his genuine surprise, everyone was seated at the table whereas perceptively moments ago it seemed he was the only one. Well, not too great a surprise.

Uriel’s finger tapped on the table in impatience. "Are we ready to begin?”

"Yes! Yes, of course," Aziraphale said cheerfully with a tight sweet smile. "Continue."

Saraquael cleared her throat as Michael gave Aziraphale a judgmental stare and stern lip. It was clear she didn’t believe he belonged at the table. He was still a traitor as far as she was concerned, but the Metatron’s word was absolute.

“I will begin then,” Uriel announced. “A new plan for Armageddon is scheduled to be set. It has been delayed long enough.”

“We have word that Hell’s forces will rise on earth without an antichrist. It will be strictly angels versus demons. Us against them.” Saraquael added.

“Tell me, Aziraphale. You spent more than enough time getting to know the enemy.” Michael chimed in, leaning forward with both elbows on the table. “In that time, what is it we can do to take the advantage? Of course, Heaven will undoubtedly win. It simply doesn’t hurt to do it swiftly and with fewer casualties.”

He smiled nervously at the three other archangels. “Well, I.. Uh. Oh, dear.”

Earth

"What have you done with the Doctor?" Rose demanded. 

Crowley was helplessly confused and still quite drunk. "I haven't in the slightest inclination as to who you are talking about missy!" He ranted in a high pitched slurred sort of way. "Here I was minding my own business when you – " He took a moment. "--When you came out of the blue and jumped to conclusions with those poofy lips of yours."

He mimicked a kissing sound and moved past her to grab the now empty chocolate milk container. Rose scoffed and she opened her mouth to say something, most likely to call him rude.

He held a finger to stop her. "Hold on." 

Crowley focused on the build up of liquor in his blood. It was one thing for someone else to force it out, but this was voluntary. He strained for a moment like he was trying to break wind. A strange thing to see, but necessary as the once empty half liter container suddenly filled with liquor before their eyes. 

Rose stared at him the entire time. "How did you do that?" She pointed to the container. That was gross. 

"Uh… Not sure how to explain it. Demon magic. Not the best term, but there you go,”  His speech was clear and he stood straighter. “The important thing is unfortunately I am now sober, and fortunately you are now leaving."

Crowley reached out to gently motion her to the front door but Rose stepped back and glared at him. There was no fear in her eyes. It was like she was used to encountering non-human entities and was ready to fight for her life. “Demon is just another word for alien, what species are you? Which world are you from? A shifter? Draconatarious?”

That made him take pause again. He looked at the woman like she had grown a second head, but then burst into a chuckle. “You think I am a what?” He laughed under his breath. “I am certainly not one of those things, dear. I am far from a side project. Did you bump your head on the way here?”

“No, I did not! What business do you have wearing his face?! What are you planning?” She stepped forward and advanced toward him. Crowley moved backwards fast as she moved forward.

Crowley swung his arms up. “No plan! I had zero choice in the matter how She made my face!”

“She?”

“God!”

“God is a She?”

“Oh for Heav---hells-…Oh for Pete’s sake you are impossible. Now get out of this shop!” He sighed in frustration then grunted as his back hit the side of a bookshelf. His finger swung and pointed to the door. “Now.”

Rose stopped going after him. “Oh I’m not going anywhere. First something on the screen upset the Doctor and I get teleported out of the Tardis and end up here in this bookshop, where coincidentally enough I find you, a man with the Doctor’s face, just so happens to be here.”

“I can’t help that. Sorry.” He turned away and caught sight of Aziraphale’s work desk and chair. His chest panged. Nope. Not going there. Feeling heavy from woeful feelings he turned to a couch and promptly went face first into it.

“I’m going to ask you again in the name of a.. Galactic treaty-whatever-he-called-it. What are you? Alien doppelgänger? Shapeshifter? Monk?”

“DAAAUGH - Do you EVER shut up?” He removed his face from the edge of the couch cushion to give her a perturbed look.  He realized then his sunglasses were missing, but he didn’t care at that moment. “Wait did you just call me a Monk?!”

“Are you?” It was also quite clear he certainly was not the Doctor. He would never talk to her like that.

Crowley turned himself around rather sit up. “NO! I’m a bloody Demon, nothing else, do you need me to prove it to you?”

Rose cleared her throat and crossed her arms. “I would actually, yes.”

“…Ugh.” He forced himself off the couch and held out his hand. “Whatever you do, do not let go.”

She hesitated looking at him, then to his hand before finally taking it. Rose gasped as she and Crowley’s minds were suddenly catapulted through and down into Hell where souls were waiting in line for processing. The room was dimly lit and smelt awful. A demon was pouring hellfire into a cup to drink. Hellscape rooms could be seen through vintage analog television monitors. It was like the DMV but worse. Melted-Face Demon began walking towards them and Rose held Crowley’s hand tighter. “Don’t worry, they can’t see us.”

“So this is Hell?”

“The front lobby. You don’t want to go further in, trust me, gets ugly.”

“Oh, I do!” Rose was adventurous. She began tugging Crowley along across the room. Tell her to not do something, she’ll go anyway, especially with her Doctor. The melted demon walked right past them without consequence.

“Nope! Sorry, no tours of Hell today, missy.” He psychically beamed them both back to the bookshop.

Rose blinked and saw they were back. Damn it. Crowley let go of her hand and he returned to the couch. “Okay, so… Whatever you are doesn’t matter. The question is, why am I here?” She began to pace, then looked out the window. “Are we in SoHo?”

“Yes,” He covered his eyes over with an arm. “If you still insist on being here, make yourself useful then. Turn that light out, would you?”

She waved him off and began to pace. “This has got to be some kind of parallel universe. A really strange one this time, everything’s all backwards. Not again. What would the Doctor do?? Clues. Find clues.” Rose paused and took a breath. Crowley was ignoring her existence by then and had snapped one light out. She ran up the spiral of stairs to check where she had appeared from, which had been the second floor, then back down the stairs once more. She turned a corner too sharp and knocked over a box of mail.

“Sorry!” She said out of habit, kneeling down over the letters.

Rose began picking the letters up and put them back in the box when she came across one that looked very old and addressed to…. Her? This had to be her clue. It was old and yellowed from time. It felt centuries old. Strange, very strange. The ink was hand written. Whoever wrote it knew she would be there in that exact moment of time.

She let out a breathless chuckle and set it aside to finish cleaning up her mess. She glanced over at Crowley who had his face buried in pillows. He seemed… Sad. Rose turned her attention back to the letter and she opened it.

There were two papers inside. The top sheet was just for her.

“Rose Tyler,

May this letter reach ye unscathed as it is of haste.  When thyne serpent is of wounded heart, A battle doth no man seeth hence commences and he must take prophecy to light. – Agnes Nutter”

Okay, so it wasn’t from who she hoped it would be from.

“Crowley, there’s this letter here… It’s from an Agnes Nutter?

“Agnes Nutter? …Are you sure?” Crowley turned his head in confusion. Agnes Nutter’s book of prophecy had all been used up. How long had it been here? Rose stood there and turned to the next page. “Yeah. Seems… Really old. Centuries.”

He got up and hovered over her shoulder to read over her.

“Very old. 16^th century Witch, predicted the apocalypse to the letter. By some miracle we stopped it last minute.”

Rose giggled quietly to herself. Perhaps he wasn’t too different from the Doctor after all. They read Agnes Nutter’s ‘new’ prophecies in silence. Crowley's face crew pale the further down the list they went. At the end he took a step back and sucked in a breath and gritted his teeth. Without warning it began to rain outside. Heavily. Lightning struck close nearby causing the lights to flicker. Rose looked to him curiously before looking back at the list.

This wasn't good, was it.

Chapter Text

Prophecy 1: “On the day the serpent meets thee bad wolf, he shall have thy deed to the shoppe of other menne’s books doth maketh its new master.”

Rose looked to Crowley who seemed beyond flustered and confused. It was like someone had slapped him. “Bad wolf? What the hell does that mean?” He complained.

“So you’re the serpent in this metaphor, then? The Bad Wolf, that’s me. This Agnes Nutter somehow knew we would meet. Hundreds of years in the future, she knew , unless this lady isn’t real and is all a load of rubbish…” 

She looked back at the aged paper. It seemed authentic enough. Only way to truly know is if she and her Doctor traveled with the TARDIS to the 1600’s… Or speak with a historian. Going there in person would be far more exciting. Crowley shook his head and looked out the window. It was raining so hard they could hear the pounding of fat raindrops on the roof.

“Ohhh it’s real alright. She knew about the end of times that was to happen a few years ago. We kept it from happening, the armageddon. Somehow she knew we’d pull that off.”

Rose looked at Crowley with a small but meek grin. “So you’ve saved the world too, eh?”

“But why the bloody hell would I want to own a bookshop? A demon running an embassy for Heaven! How ridiculous does that sound? Truly. Absolutely out of the question. Nope. Can’t.” 

He winced and took a few steps back with a heavy sigh. What other choices did he have, really? Hell wanted to drag him down, force him to take command… Make him tell them all he knew about Aziraphale and how to take the advantage when a second apocalyptic event would rise from above and below. Did Aziraphale know something was going to happen? Had he put his name somewhere as a benefactor? That sounded like something the Angel would do. Just in case. He read way too many books. Then again, both were on such tight leashes it did make some sense. 

He looked back to Rose who had set the letter down and began exploring the place. This man who looked like the Doctor, but wasn’t the Doctor, was going on a rant about things she couldn’t quite wrap her head around.

“Hey! What are you doing?” Crowley chased after her.

Rose was at the writing desk, opening drawers and shuffling through the books. The demon’s eyes grew wide as irritation began wriggling in his stomach. “Get out of that. There’s nothing in there for you.” He spoke, forcing himself to not get snappy. That would not help, but oh this woman was starting to push buttons. People would not want to push those.

“It’s obvious you are going through something. I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get the type of news you wanted, but I need answers if there’s any chance I can find the Doctor so we can go home. Who was the original owner of this place?”

“...His name was Aziraphale.”

She flashed him a look. “Was?”

He shook his head and waved his hand. “Is. Sorry, is. The idiot who owned this God-Loving place is Aziraphale. He decided to go off and chase a promotion that will no doubt bite him in the arse. Still it’s clear he’s obviously not coming back for good if he arranged for me to have it.” He looked down at his feet. 

“Ohh.” Rose said quietly, quirking a brow. She understood then. How could she be so thick and not see it? Heart break. She knew what that felt like all too well. There was unfinished business between these two. Interesting. “Well, clearly he wanted you to be well off.”

It just came to him that he may never see his Angel again. That couldn’t be the case, though, could it? One of the other prophecies. This contradicts that thought. None of this made any sense and it was driving him mad. To think once upon a time this was his favorite place to be. It was so warm and lovely, like him. This bookshop was the only place Crowley could feel “at home” since no longer serving Hell. Now Hell wanted to throw him right back in, tip of the spear.

There was nothing at Aziraphale’s desk of interest or use to her. Not even a stupid compass. Crowley grumbled and took the centuries old letter from the dead witch. He took a breath. “Just so you’re prepared, Wolf… A war is coming. Heaven and Hell intend to wage war on planet Earth and I don’t know what’s going to happen. A lot of people are going to die, that’s for certain.”

Rose stood straight then, staring at the back of his crimson head of hair. The Doctor’s was better, far better. Oh, she missed him so.

“Can it be prevented? Like the last time you did?”

Crowley’s voice was solemn and resigned. “Not sure. Hell wants to drag me down, lead the fight as head demon. Aziraphale’s a supreme archangel now, so I expect we’ll be crossing swords canceling each other out ‘till everything else is destroyed. One side will win and that will be it. Earth destroyed over a bloody pissing match, whose side has the biggest C..”

“Okay I think I get it,” Rose interrupted in between his metaphor. “This is a heavenly space, right? Maybe Aziraphale knew you would be safe from being taken here.”

His head lulled to one side and he sat down into his favorite leather chair. He eased back and slumped into it. He was.. Utterly still so depressed. Worse now sober. “I’m fairly sure he’s the one who pulled some mighty strings driving my car like he had a remote.”

Rose’s eyes widened. “You drove here drunk ?”

“No, no!” He waved his hand dismissively. “I mean. I would have if not for that Angel.”

“That confirms it, he still cares for you. If you truly love someone, you fight for it. From what I gathered this Aziraphale does care, but he’s just not able to be here right now. Trust me, I know what it’s like to be separated from your loved ones. I’m always out there, traveling with the Doctor. Mum nor Mickey see me much, but…”

“I’m sorry, your mother doesn’t like it when you leave?” He interjected, sitting up from his slouch. “He isn’t my parent, he was my partner. You get to travel with yours, so you can’t understand!” He snapped.

Rose frowned giving him a stern look. “I was just trying to help you feel better.”

“Well you’re not, little missy, just pouring more salt in!” He fell back into his chair, cupping his face into his hands. 

She huffed and turned away. The thunder roared overhead. He sat there where he last saw an extra pair of his sunglasses. He pulled out a small drawer from the Angel’s desk and, well. What do you know? He put them on. Maybe Aziraphale did care. It didn’t change the fact he abandoned him. Pretended 6000 years together did not happen. 

Rose explored a shelf, noting the rarity of some of the books. A bible caught her eye, something she didn’t normally look at, but something was sticking out of the pages. It was old, very old. The text was in hebrew. She wondered if it was an original copy. She took the book and opened it to the marker: There were two sheets of modern paper, folded neatly like a letter.

“I found something.” She proclaimed.

“What?”

“I think it’s the deed the Nutter woman mentioned.”

Oh, great. This required movement, as in getting up. Crowley forced himself up and out of the chair to join Rose at the bookshelf to investigate. She handed him the papers.

“ In case anything should happen, this absolves my ownership of this bookshop and to the next owner of my choosing: Anthony J Crowley – Signed, Aziraphale ”

The next page after that cover letter was more of a legal document, notarized and formally signed. It eerily reminded Crowley of a last will and testament. That in itself brought him back to when he and Aziraphale helped spare one another’s lives. He would walk through hellfire a thousand times for that stupid Angel. Even now. Still thoroughly nervous about these prophecies coming to fruition, Crowley’s nerves were calm enough to take a breath.

“...So where’s yours then? This ‘Doctor’ whoever-he-is?” 

“Out there looking for me I reckon. Sorry about earlier. It’s just what he and I do. We try helping people.”

“I’m not regular people,” Crowley winked, wordlessly forgiving her. “What’s keeping you?”

Her eyes rolled. She could use for an apology, but whatever. “Well the rain, for starters. Secondly I haven’t a clue where to start.”

She moved to the front door and opened it. The smell of rain filled the air along with the heavy patters of rain. It was a proper thunderstorm, made worse by Crowley’s emotions. “Hold on,” He sighed, dragging himself out of the comfortable leather chair. Standing beside her at the door, Crowley peered out to the sky. He held his hands up a moment then concentrated. The rain slowed. “Stop, stop stop…” He muttered a growl towards the sky. He had to be careful to not accidentally trigger a drout. 

The rain finally stopped, going from a heavy downpour to nothing.

Rose stared at him trying to not seem impressed. It was brilliant, what he just did! She had seen weather changing devices, a human stretched out so thin she was transparent, the true end of the world with the Sun’s expansion… But never an entity controlling the weather on command like that. He was the real deal.

Still not her Doctor. 

“Thank you.” She said flatly, looking back out into the road.

“Any time.” He shrugged.

It only took a few moments for her to hear a familiar whirring sound. It was a sonic screwdriver. 

“Rose?” A familiar voice. It was him! Finally!

Crowley squinted from out in the distance as a man shrouded in the dark came in running for them. Rose’s face lit up and she darted out to greet him. “Doctor!”

The Doctor was grinning ear to ear. He found her! They ran for each other and met in the middle. She lept into his arms and he chuckled, twirling Rose around once. “Good, the teleport worked! I was getting nervous, parallel universe and all. The TARDIS is working somehow here and I don’t know how, but gift horse.”

Rose giggled and drew back to look up at him. “Let’s just be glad it is.” She sealed her words with a kiss.

He hummed contently afterwards as the rest of this alternate world fell into the background. For just a moment. They continued holding hands. Their relationship had blossomed as of late. There was no darkness threatening to consume the multiverse. No Daleks. She had slipped, by total accident, into a secondary parallel universe. With endless branched off parallel worlds, Rose Tyler managed to find him. He wasn’t her original Doctor, but he was close enough, and she was not going to let him go. Never again, especially after hearing the end of his sentence. What he had tried saying back on the worst day of her life.

Crowley made his way onto the soaked and empty road. He was intrigued, wondering who this woman mistook him for. 

She heard him walking towards them at a distance. “There’s someone you should meet, Doctor.” Rose turned towards Crowley and beckoned him over. The Doctor locked onto the stranger, smiling with cautious optimism.

“Who is this?”

Rose spoke quietly to her Doctor. “Anthony Crowley, a demon. Not an alien but… Here I think angels and demons are real. Also, I think he needs our help. He mentioned something about the end of his world. There’s to be a war of some kind. That is what this Agnes Nutter wrote down? Some sort of psychic from the 1600s, it’s connected to now somehow.”

If there was a world that needed saving, perhaps they should stay. Or not. He wasn’t sure if this was something they could handle on their own. 

“Aliens and demons are typically one and the same, Rose, what is he really?” The Doctor frowned.

“You must be the Doctor. Heard tons about you.” Crowley greeted with a tight smile. He locked eyes with his own face.

The Doctor grinned nervously. “I hope they were all good things.”

“The best. I see now why Rose here mistook me for you in the dark. Still, the eyes are all wrong, too… Brown!” Although it was night and the only things illuminating the streets were lamp posts, Crowley could see like it was day. Both of th em tilted their heads to the side like pups. 

The Doctor stopped first and looked to Rose.

“No fair, he has red hair. I told you, I would look good as a ginger!” He rambled on, referring to when he first regenerated past being bald. Rose giggled again and patted his chest. “What again about my eyes? What color are yours ?” The Doctor asked as he squinted, unable so see through the demon’s sunglasses.

“..Not the most..-” Crowley started when someone grappled him from behind.

 All three were abruptly flanked by a group of demons. A strong demon had a vice grip hold on Crowley who thrashed. Another had taken hold of the Doctor and Rose was pushed aside. 

“Rose!!” The Doctor cried out. “Let go of me!”

Shax strolled in forward between Crowley and The Doctor. “I told you that we need you, Crowley.” She mused, looking to the Doctor. 

“I’m right here, you idiot.” Crowley sighed, barely putting up a fight.

The Doctor glared daggers at the demon. “Let. Me. Go.”

“Oh, sorry. My mistake. The similarities are uncanny .” Shax chuckled dryly.

The muscular demon holding the Doctor didn’t let go. “What if this is a trick?”

“Yeah he’s really good at weaseling his way out of things, like the last armageddon,” The smelly demon holding Crowley added.

“This is not a trick! Miss, look at my hair, look at my eyes. Can Crowley change his appearance at will like that?” The Doctor pleaded, throwing logic at Shax’s way.

She pursed her lips and thought a moment.

“Yeah think about it. I’m not that good.” Crowley said.

“I am thinking.” Shax insisted, looking between the two of them. “You, not-Crowley. You don’t smell human nor wield the same energy. What are you?”

The Doctor scowled. “I’m a Time Lord.”

“A time what?”

Meanwhile, Rose was being held back by Melted-Face Demon. It had to be the ugliest creature she had ever seen. “Let me through!” She insisted. Melted-Face didn’t let her budge. She was ready to gut him with her elbow, but she was worried her arm would get stuck.

“A Lord of Time. I am not a demon, I am of no use to you.”

Shax squinted at the Doctor. “Does that mean you can forsee the future?”

“No, time doesn’t work that way.”

Crowley groaned and gritted his teeth, stoping his foot like a child having a tantrum. The sky grumbled, threatening to rain again. He knew where this was headed. “Rose, find Nina!” He called out.

“What? Who??” Rose replied in confusion.

“If you’re a ‘Time Lord’ whatever that is, perhaps you might be of use to us. Bring them both down.” Shax declared. “Let the girl go. I’m in a gleeful mood.”

“What? What no, NO!!” The Time Lord panicked, thrashing hard as he could against the strong demon keeping him still.  He just found Rose again. The TARDIS was parked safely, but she didn’t know where it is and he was too focused on trying to not get dragged to Hell to think.

“Rose, find Nina she’ll be able to help you! Shax! Keep this Doctor close to me, I need him first.” Crowley belted out as the ground disappeared for all of them.

They all fell, save for Rose Tyler.

Chapter Text

They were put in Lord Beezlebubs old throne room. It was damp and faintly smells of stale rubbish and death. At least the throne chair was decently clean. He suspected they were only being held there. This wasn't going to be just it. 

The Doctor had been made to come along against his will, but this wasn't the first time that happened. Crowley seemed to be a nice reasonable enough fellow, so he played along with it. While he was here he tried to make note of everything… Because this place couldn't possibly be Hell! No fire, not one brimstone. Just an irritated pacing demon with a slightly older version of his face. 

Worst of all… He was still upset about not regenerating as a ginger! But this guy?? Oomph!

He used his sonic screwdriver to scan the room. “Why did you say you needed me, Crowley?”

“Because demons are mean shits and would've tortured you for reasons beyond even my own understanding.” He lowered his voice and paused to look directly at the Doctor. “Besides I think if we work together we may just get out of here.”

The Doctor looked back at him with an unreadable expression. Should he trust this facial dopple? Of course not. But he was his best chance of getting out and he seemed genuine enough. “What were you thinking?”

Crowley checked the peep hole then read he outside extending his mind with fingers on his temples. No one was listening or watching. He faced the Doctor once more.  “I'll give you the quick run down. Heaven and Hell we are in the same… ‘Building’. We're in the shitty sub-basement. They need someone to lead the fight to a stupid war and that's me because their original Duke is gone and Heaven's newest archangel used to be my…” He stopped himself. It hurt, and it showed.

“Brother?” The Doctor finished going off Crowley's reaction. 

“No. Not brother. Best friend?” 

Quiet gasp. “Lover!”

Crowley hissed and reeled back. “We didn't get that bloody far you prick!”

“Oh, take it easy you don't need to talk like that..” The Doctor grumbled looking down at his feet for a moment. He quickly bounced back. “Right I see it now. You two were close and they're going to try using it to their advantage. The other side, Heaven, likely has a similar plan trying to squeeze your other half for information…”

The Doctor rambled excitedly while Crowley stood there looking dumbstruck. This man was bold. Insanely bold and intelligent. Okay. The demon liked this one. He felt he should be insulted, but the Doctor was making too much sense. 

“...Will this war result in the destruction of Earth and all her inhabitants?” The Doctor stopped to ask. 

Crowley shrugged with a meek loose nod and mumbled, “Yeah, most likely. I mean I really prefer it to not happen, I don't want to be stuck here, Earth is such a nice place.. Fantastic nightlife and an excellent alcohol selection…”

“And it meant something to your friend.” The Doctor added, which earned him a searing Iook from his dopple-Demon. Okay he was overstepping himself, what else was new? He had someone to fight for himself. Millions of people, but one in particular had his heart and she was still up there somewhere before the dawn of a celestial war. 

“Right, so what do you need me to do?” 

Ugh! 

Crowley told her to “Find Nina”, but didn't specify where she was or what she looked like. He might as well have said, “Go there!” Without pointing. So infuriating, almost like someone else she knew with the same face. Rose was out of sorts entirely. An alternate world on the brink of war and she was stuck there without her Doctor. All she got was “find Nina”

She sulked and read the paper and sipped on a coffee, growing cold, within a shop called “Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death,” which made her wonder about the name.. And the owner… What were they thinking?

The shadow of a person blocked the sun and Rose turned to look at them.

“Complimentary biscuit?” An older but chipper black woman asked, dressed semi casual with her hair neatly set back. She had a tray of butter biscuits and was offering her one. She didn't seem like just a barrister. No, she had a way about her that told Rose she had wisdom. That she knew things, and that she was overall kind. 

“Oh.. Sure, thanks.” Rose said, taking two from the tray. 

“You've been just… Sitting here for the past four hours staring at the same page for two hours and on the same coffee. I wanted to see if you were okay?”

Rose let out a sigh and nodded. “Yeah, just a bit tired.” She was knackered. She hadn't slept since after seeing her Doctor and his demon look-alike get sucked down into the ground, presumably in a different world entirely. She took a bite of the butter biscuit. It was good.

“You wouldn't happen to know anyone by the name of Nina, would you?” Rose asked. Shot in the dark. 

Nina chuckled as she was then quite curious. “Yes, I actually do. That's my name. Who's asking about me?”

Rose's eyes widened and she seemed to instantly perk up. What luck. It was almost a miracle. “Well this man, well sort of not a man, a demon that goes by Crowley? Something happened last night where he got sucked into the ground by some other demons and they took my boyfriend with them.”

Nina stared at Rose like a deer in headlights for the flash of a second. Then she sat down. Why the Hell did a demon have to rope her into something? Again??

“Okay.. You have my full attention. Explain to me everything.

“So then THAT way we are both protecting each other's backs. I don't know what they're planning but I am not going to put myself in a position where I may end up in a pool of holy water!”

It was out of self preservation and distrust of his fellow demons. He couldn't be too careful. “They can't keep us down here forever. Well they can. But they won't, because they decided I'm a Duke now, it gives me pull.” Crowley explained his grand idea he came up with in the past three minutes.  The Doctor stood there with hesitation as Crowley removed his sunglasses. This was the first time he saw his golden eyes. Incredible. Was he sure he wasn't a descendent from one of the reptoid races? The humanoid face could only settle in so many variations until the random pattern repeats itself. There were several counts of complete strangers not related to one another get mistaken for twins. The Doctor, as nerve-wracking as this was, found all of it brilliant!

“I'm keeping my sonic screwdriver.” He declared, standing face to face with his demon-doppleganger. He grinned ear to ear and nearly bounced on the tips of his toes.

“Oooh finally I get to be a ginger!! Brilliant!”

“Ugh.”

Crowley extended his hand. The Doctor looked at it then back to him, flexing his fingers in contemplation.

“Before we do that I feel that in order for this to work… To really pull it off I need to get into your head. Psychic connection, extra layer of protection you know.”

Crowley's brow rose and his voice went low. “Pardon?”

“These demons. They've known you for several millennia right? They're probably expecting you to try something like this. What if they quiz us? See which is which if they feel something is off?”

“They aren't the sharpest crayons, Doctor, they couldn't even tell when I swapped places with the Angel. We'll be fine, you'll do great.”

“Okay, true, but can you prove to be a decent Time Lord?”

“Oh, let's see, act like a rambunctious child high on sugar? That's easy.”

The Doctor hardly blinked. He crossed his arms and then made a beckoning sweep of his hand. “Okay, you've known me for a good 20 minutes. Give me your best impression.”

Crowley paused for a moment. Oh, shit he would definitely have to pull this out of thin air, wouldn't he. This might be harder than he thought.  He took a step back, stretched his neck with a growl and tried to conjure the essence of ‘the Doctor’. He ruffled his hair to stick up and widened his eyes and opened his mouth. 

“Hello! I'm the Doctor and I have a glowy stick! It makes a funny noise and I have a lovely human Girlfriend who kisses people in the dark before checking! But that's alright, because although I walk in the bowels of Hell itself I fear nothing. I think it's brilliant! A holiday, a walk in the park! Whee-”

The real Doctor held his hands up to indicate STOP. “Okay that's… That proves my point. Got the hair and the teeth right sure, might want to tone it down on the rambling, but we should probably get you better acquainted with the wibble wobble jargon and a crash course on interdimensional physics and perhaps a brief rundown on the TARDIS. We really do need to psychic connect, wait Rose kissed you ?!”

Crowley shrugged, going back to his original self. “She thought I was you. Don't worry, not in the least interested. Honest mistake.” 

“..Yeah I suppose you have a point there.” The Doctor trusted Rose with everything. If it was an honest mistake, it was an honest mistake no question. “Still! We really should psychic link.”

“..No.”

The Doctor, more worried and stressed as he held out his hand. “If this fails because of your stubbornness, I will not let you forget this.” There was a hint of fire in his voice and Crowley grinned, taking his hand. “Ah, good, you’re sounding like me already.” 

Their clothes and hair began to shift color. The Doctor's eyes became serpent-like and Crowley's became a soft brown. His sideburns stayed, but the snake signature vanished. The Doctor finally got the red hair he wished he could have regenerated into ages ago. Once the cosmetic switch was complete he felt his hair. 

“Huh. Hardly different at all.” The Doctor smiled. 

“Easy for you to say.” Crowley grumbled, finding a small mirror on a desk behind the “throne” chair. He stared at himself with deep sadness. He hasn't looked anything like this in well over a millenia… Not since the fall. His face was near resonant of his angelic years. The Doctor seated himself in the “throne” with a lean and slouch, one slim leg over the armchair. “I hate everything except the Angel.” He growled, getting into character. Crowley leapt forward and gripped the Doctor's hair going nose to nose with him. “ Never, I repeat, never say that here in Hell. You will get yourself permanently discorporated so severe you can't regenerate for shit, why do I know that?”

The Doctor grinned wide.

Weird seeing that kind of alien look on his face. 

“You skimmed my thoughts,” Crowley realized. Bastard!

“I needed something and this seems very much like a matter of life and death.”

“Ouh you are so irritating!” He stormed off into a corner. 

“Careful, I don't talk like that! Better still, best not say anything.” The Doctor advised as someone banged on the metal door.

“Crowley. Your presence is needed in the war room.” A deep raspy voice of a lower demon spoke. 

“Yes.. Of course. I'm bringing my companion with me.”

“Yes, your lordship.”

The two looked at each other. Show time.

The Doctor “Crowley” sauntered in as perfectly as the real demon. It was a crowded room of other demons, some lower, some horrendously disfigured… A true band of misfits gathering around to see the once seen “traitor” Crowley shoot his way all the way to royal Duke status. It smelt like burnt rubber, like when someone hit the breaks too hard on their car. Top that with sweat and shame. Did demons bathe at any point?! The real Crowley stood straight and attempted to look passive. They wouldn’t know how the Doctor acted, so he could do whatever he wanted. Still, it irritated him to no end that the Doctor essentially violated his trust reaching into his mind and swiped information. He wasn’t going to forget that, nor will he ever admit that it really was a good idea. He refused to. 

…He also wanted to dive in again because that man’s head is intriguing. The Doctor no doubt went to Alpha Centuri. He wanted to see it and if seeing it meant through the Doctor’s eyes, he’ll do it. 

Shax stood there with her lips pursed squinting at Doctor Crowley and held a golden sash slung over her arm.  “Shax.” He greeted, reminding himself to mind himself.

“You know what this means. That you will lead us as the spearhead to war with Heaven. It will be your duty as a Duke of Hell.”

“....Understood.” Doctor Crowley grumbled, flexing his fingers.

Shax smiled smugly, her inhumanly sharp needle-like teeth shone in the dim fluorescent lights. An ugly smile, but one to indicate friendliness… Possibly. It was hard to tell. She put the gold sash over Crowley. “With the authority vested upon me by the former Duke Lord Beelzebub, I dub thee Lord Anthony J. Crowley, Duke of Hell. May your rule by awful and everlasting.” She declared with a hint of hatred in her voice, which was normal for her. Shax had taken his job filing paperwork when Crowley decided he had enough with Hell, stayed on top, and consorted with the enemy. Hell’s enemies had just become Crowley’s enemies again. He tried keeping a distance for so long, just going along with Hell best he could and they continued to just suck him in like quicksand. 

There was some clapping, cheering, some Boo’s of disapproval that were quickly silenced by others with knives. The Doctor waved awkwardly with a forced smile.  

"Are you ready for the next part?" Shax asked with a grin.

Both the Doctor and Crowley looked puzzled. 

"Well you cannot have a corronation without celebration! Everyone! To the third ring! Hall 6!" Shax cheered. The rest shouted and hollered as they waved their hands and descended. Crowley's eyes lit with surprise and looked to The Doctor. 

'What's happening.' The Doctor psychically asked.

'Erh... Shenanigans I think. Odd thing. Almost never happens. Not since the 70's.'

"Join us Lord Crowley! Bring your pet!" Shax beckoned before vanishing to the third ring.

'Do we go or is this a safe time to run?' Asked the Doctor.

'Not just yet, it'd raise suspicion. These things aren't too bad, you'll be fine.'

'I don't want to stay here for too long, this place isn't meant for living creatures.'

'Five minutes and that should make her happy.' Crowley grasped his wrist and subtly gestured his hand. They descended down together to the third ring of hell: Gluttony.

The best way Crowley could describe the third ring was that it was like a night club that never ended. You could step out of one large room full of incoherent strung out humans and demons and immediately find yourself in another one. A neverending labyrinth with smoke hovering low to the ground. It wasn't too different from the second ring, Lust. Matter of fact you didn't need to use the stairs to find Lust, it was right next door. The Doctor held his head up high and tried not to look at anything for longer than a second as they made it to Hall 6. It was a proper party. It smelt quite like cannabis, incense and stale beer. 

The Doctor's mind reached out to Crowley making a psychic connection.  'Oh, mercy.' He wretched.

"What?" Crowley asked, not realizing what it was.

"I didn't say anything." The Doctor 'Crowley' insisted. 'It's a telepathic link. We can speak privately this way, just think what you want to say, and I'll tell your right now this smell is quite offensive.'

'You're in Hell, Doctor, what did you expect it to smell like, roses?'

'That'd be nice.'

'If you insist.' Crowley again subtly swept his hand and suddenly all the Doctor could smell was the faint aroma of lavender soap and roses, like having a soothing bubble bath. 

There was alcohol and food, all mostly half rotten and the wine bitter and rough going down. It was one of the main reasons why Crowley loved Earth so much. There was no substitute for how humans did it. Many overindulged themselves, but it was no surprise to anyone given where they were. There had been an uptick of humans finding their way to the third ring. Hell had found an increase in mortals descending rather ascending. Good for Hell, concerning for Crowley, and plain terrible a sight for Heaven. They had much to celebrate over, not just their new Duke. 

The demon and time lord sat beside one another on a half ripped open leather couch. Beautiful female demons were giggling and surrounded them, dressed in tight dresses. They had to be from the Lust ring. Crowley did not want to break cover, so he declined every time a greasy demon attempted to give him a beer. The Doctor took one thinking that was what he was supposed to do. Never took a sip. This was... Uncomfortable.

“You! Mortal double.” Shax pointed to The “Doctor” with a wicked gleam in her eye. She was a few drinks down already. “You travel through time, is that correct?”

“Yeah, something like that. I explore more than anything, you know. Cosmic tourist.”

“Then that means you can tell us the outcome of the war ahead.” 

The Doctor chimed in, momentarily forgetting who he was supposed to be. “Bad idea, that.. Um. Well we and I spoke on that. There are.. Rules. Some that we cannot break unless you want to break space and time.”

The demons near her began to laugh. She herself grinned. “Lord Crowley, we are demons , since when do we ever follow rules?”

“When it's your very existence you are jeopardizing. Time is like fluid, you can jinx yourself. I'm not a fortune teller, but I know for a fact if we stepped on a butterfly in the past your hair could suddenly be blue! You might end up in a whole other part of this place if we messed with time.”

This made the Doctor's brow furrow with confusion.. Briefly. Not terrible lying. The butterfly effect theory was still complete rubbish, but none of these people had to know about that. He nodded. “That's what I'm talking about. Could completely jinx us entirely if we tried to see who wins.”

Shax's eyes rolled and she waved it off. “... Fine. ” There went that. “Still, though.. I bet it would be fun torturing you while we have you here. Have a beer. A nibble.” 

“Nope, none of that. Plus the food here would probably get him sick.” Doctor Crowley wagged a finger in her face.

"Well, yes that's the point. Have a bit of fun, Crowley."

"I don't know about you but I'd rather not see someone with my face puking their guts out because someone put maggots in their snack cake." The Doctor snapped. Subtle "OoooooOOoooooos" could be heard in the background. “Now that I have been appointed Duke, is there any other business we have to discuss, or can we go and retire? I have things to do rather than.... this.”

Shax clicked her tongue in disappointment. “Ever since you went native living amongst the humans you've really become dull. Yes, there is some business, actually. You were appointed because of him after all.” She leaned in forward, knowing this would hurt. “Your former lover, Aziraphale. Tell us his weaknesses. What can we do to knock him off his smug high horse.”

Crowley, still appearing as the Doctor, winced before closing his eyes. They were never lovers, that was a purposeful jab, salt rubbing into the wound. He could do something quite violent for that but he knew better. He had to force a yawn to appear tired before anyone got wise. The Doctor as Crowley's jaw clenched. Why did he agree to this? Wait. He knew. Because he was clever. No doubt smarter than the demon, too. Oh did the Doctor feel so old just then.

“Well,” Doctor Crowley began, putting on his best grief struck face. Not hard to do. Guilt sometimes held him like a vice the things he had done in his past. “He was funny although he didn’t mean to. Kind to everyone, you know.. Just an angel.”

“We need more than that!” Shax snapped. “If you do not give us the information we need, I can strip you of your title and we will destroy you. And yes, before you ask, it is a threat. You know where we are.”

Oh, that was dark. There were many ways a demon could take another one down. They were surprisingly simple like how humans did it. It could simply take a cocktail of certain earth-aquired drugs and a bit of holy water... The real Crowley sat more still than a stone weeping angel. His eyes were fixated to the floor as he did his best to not accidentally make something happen. He was a powerful former archangel. He could do things other demons could not.

“Okay… Well you remember the last time you were in the shop. He could… Communicate with the other angels and… Such. If he could, it is possible he would recruit them at any time. Even on Earth. An army maybe. I suppose that’s the point, anyway…”

“I need more information! I seriously need you to open up your mind, I’m now pulling things out from thin air here!”

Crowley’s head rose to watch him walk. He quietly responded with a resonant and silent ‘Fine’. They were screwed anyway, so why not. He just didn’t want anyone in his head but it’s not like he ever had a choice, not like he ever got what he ever wanted. Ever! That’s what happened when you were a demon. Nothing ever works out for you, because nobody is there to look out for you. Ever . 

The Doctor shifted and rested his elbow on his sitting Demon-Dopple's shoulders, leaning against him like a back rest. “He drank a lot of tea…” He kept on with what surface thoughts he had.

‘Let your mind go free. If there’s something you don’t want me to see, imagine a door and close it’ 

Crowley scoffed, shifting in irritation and discomfort from being touched. ‘Just do it you two hearted bastard’ 

‘No need for such language, my friend,’ 

‘I’m not your friend,’

The Doctor entered his mind. Woah, this demon was thousands of years old. He trumped his 900+ years, he… Oh, this was a lot. He trembled a bit and sucked in a breath. A tear fell as Crowley’s inner pain and turmoil hit him like a bag of bricks. Memories of Aziraphale and Crowley together flashed within the Doctor’s head. All their times together on Earth. Dates at The Ritz, saving and helping people, preventing Armageddon, Crowley’s desperate kiss to try convincing Aziraphale to stay…The way the angel looked at him. It was…

‘Oh, Crowley. I am so sorry,’

‘Don’t give me that shite,’

He dismissed that last comment. Crowley was shut down and numb. It was reassuring to see, however, that Crowley despite everything even now was still an optimist. He wasn’t exactly evil, he didn’t believe in killing humans, especially children. Even when ordered to do so. The Doctor decided then that he liked this one. Any demon that was repulsed by the thought of harming children was hardly a demon at all in his books. If they worked together, maybe they could thwart all of this together. It would be fun working side by side. He could already see it. 

While the Doctor was reading him, Crowley realized it worked both ways. Interesting. Oh… This Doctor was an odd one wasn’t he. The last and only one of his kind. Stole a sentient time machine…Definitely had a thing for blondes, defied his own people… They weren’t too different. 

‘Welcome to the group of misfit toys, Doctor.’

Ignoring Crowley, the Doctor spoke. “Aziraphale was of course you know, the guardian of the Eastern gate. He had a flaming sword, gave it away…I sort of picked it up and kept it, so there’s that. I have his sword.” He leaned forward slightly overwhelmed by the demon’s mind and shifted to one side. Fortunately this was how the real Crowley would shift and move about. Shax and the other demons were oblivious to what was happening before her. Mostly. It was still so strange seeing two of the same face.

“So he is unarmed.” Shax mused with interest.

“Oh, no not unarmed. Well – Not now at least. He’s kind to a fault.”

“And a traitor, I don’t care what rank he is, he still helped you prevent the last apocalypse.”

The Doctor shrugged. Crowley looked like was half dead. The link was starting to make him nauseous. Picking up on that, the Doctor sat back straight, still slouching with an arm over the couch to emulate Crowley's style. He was a bit dizzy himself and flexed his hands. “I believe in order to get an advantage I should turn back up to Earth to see if I can find the sword. See if I can reignite it, that sort of thing. Plus the Doctor doesn’t look too good, must be the fluorescent lighting. Or the strobes.” 

The crowd of Demons began to murmur among themselves. It wasn’t too surprising a request. 

“...You have your title. You can do whatever you want for the time being… Before the war.” Shax declared quietly. Her eyes lit with an idea. “Oh, that is brilliant, Lord Crowley. If you find the flaming sword, it may be just enough for you to defeat him. Permanently.”

Permanent discorporation. Shax was going to try and make him do the unthinkable. Crowley’s jaw clenched and the slightest tremors began shaking the entire floor. The lights began to sway as whatever he did triggered a low scale “Hell-Quake”

“Right…I’ll find the sword on Earth then. We’ll take the elevator out.” The Doctor said.

“Before you go, I’m sending someone with you. A personal companion to keep an eye on you two.”

“...What?” Both Crowley and the Doctor said at the same time, their voices bouncing off one another. It made Shax shiver. Creepy.

“Wayde! Front and center!” Shax shouted.

The demons from the dance floor began to push someone forward. Out came a demon with bright red eyes and scaly blue patches of skin around the frame of his face. His hair was curly and black.  Stubble covered his face and when he smiled there were fangs. He was tone with muscle but seemed fidgety, like he didn’t know what to do with himself or where his place was. It was likely his first time down in the Gluttony ring. Handsome for a demon. He even threw Crowley off. Needed a new outfit perhaps, but that could be done easy enough.

“It’s Wade. W-A-D-E. Just a thing, you know. Hi. Nice to meet you. I’ve never been to Earth, is it cold up there? I’m not wearing a sweater.”

“Hello, uhm.. Currently it’s just damp up there from the rain I think. I’m sorry, is this necessary?” The Doctor asked.

Crowley squinted at Wade. He seemed new. Was he new? He couldn’t sense a lot of evil coming from this one. He didn’t smell of rot, just a ball of energy and anxiety. Maybe they mistook him for a fool? Murial would find him amusing. 

“Yes, because we do not trust you to not go running to your Angel to warn him about what we intend to do.” Shax said, finishing her glass.

“Off you three go. We'll stay here and celebrate in your name, Lord.” 

The Doctor had to help Crowley up. His knees were weak from the link. Oh he knew it was going to be a bad idea but not this bad. Ughhh. 

“Does he need help?” Wade asked.

“Rule number one. Demons aren’t nice and we do not help others.” The Doctor corrected sharply to Wade. He hated this sort of acting but it had to be done. 

“Right, sorry.”

Now Crowley understood. He was a low ranking demon. Basically Muriel’s cosmic opposite… But hot.

It took a moment, but Crowley found his footing. He shoved himself away and walked behind the Doctor. “Where’s the..” “To the left. Then another left. Then slightly sauntered down some stairs and then another right. I think.” Crowley helped, staring at the back of his head. Did his hair always curl that way? Despite feeling slightly disoriented, Crowley felt like he could breathe again as they managed to walk, mostly unescorted, back to the elevators that would finally take them back up to Earth. The Doctor focused on Rose. He needed to make sure she was alright. Crowley wanted to finish off whatever alcohol there was left in the bookshop. If he found that stupid bloody sword he swore he was going to take it and throw it into the sun. He gave Wade a side eye glance. He may not be a threat, Hell may view him as an idiot, but he knew better and did not trust him. At all. 

It was all going to be… Bickity Boo.