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Namjoon watches the waves, hitting the shore with force and delicacy at the same time, and feels more grounded than he has felt in years.
He walks until the water is touching his bare feet, and then farther, until he is ankle-deep and each wave buries his feet more and more into the sand. He has the fleeting thought of walking deeper, his clothes be damned, and letting the water wash the stress of the last weeks.
He dismisses the idea. Not now, at least. There will be plenty of time.
Namjoon spent his high school years wanting to run from this town and all it represented. He wanted to run away and leave behind all the suffering and all the judgment, wanted a new start somewhere else where no one knew him. He did that, as soon as he could.
Shockingly, it’s that same town that welcomes him back with open arms twelve years later and makes him feel like he’s exactly where he needs to be.
In Namjoon’s head, Guryongpo is the same as it was when he left but, every new store, every new cafe, and every new face in the neighborhood reminds him that it's not. These are not overnight changes, and it’s not that Namjoon hasn’t visited in all these years. He visits his parents frequently (or tries to, he knows he should visit more) but he doesn’t pay too much attention to the place, if he’s honest. Maybe it’s for selfish reasons, a part of him wanting the town to be the same so he can still resent it.
The sea, that is something that he tries (or tried) not to think about. He ignored that longing because, if there was one thing that could lull him back, it was the sea.
At thirty years old, Namjoon has long learned to accept his mistakes no matter how stubbornly he defended them before. Guryongpo is not the hellish town he thought it was, and now he knows he needs to live close to the sea.
He walks out of the beach with remnants of sand inside his socks, and decides to take a different path to walk back home. On his way, he finds another new cafe, and all the green inside the glass makes him stop in his tracks.
He doesn’t think twice before entering, looking around and taking in all the plants. At first, he feared that they were fake since taking care of them in a place like this has to be difficult, but he’s delighted to find out that they’re not. There’s a small patio inside as well, with more tables and more plants.
Namjoon tries to remember what this place was when he was a kid and he thinks that it had something to do with seafood. That would explain why he never paid attention to it. And yes, he’s had to endure all the jokes over the years about living in a coastal city and not liking seafood.
His stomach rumbles at that moment, as if it wants to convince Namjoon to stay here. As if he hadn’t made the choice already.
He waits at the counter until it’s his turn and asks for an iced americano and a croissant to a smiley girl with pink hair. He waits to the side for his order half-listening to the customer after him order as well, noticing then the shelf with books at the other end of the cafe. He’s trying to see if he can recognize any of the books in the distance when another employee gives him his croissant, telling him that his coffee will be ready soon.
That’s when he sees Him.
He’s shorter than Namjoon, but he’s still tall. His hair is long and wavy, just over his shoulders. His right arm is covered in colorful tattoos, to the point that Namjoon can’t even see a patch of bare skin. His clothes are all black and, even though his shirt is a little oversized, with the width of his shoulders and the muscles of his arms, anyone can tell he’s ripped. And then, there’s his face. which shouldn’t make sense with that body, but somehow it does. His face is all soft features, an attractive big nose, and the roundest and shiniest eyes that Namjoon has ever seen.
To put it plainly: he’s ridiculously hot.
And he is staring at Namjoon.
Or was staring at him because, as soon as Namjoon looks back at him, he jumps as if he’s been caught and looks away. Namjoon takes the chance to take a better look at him and yep, hot. Totally Namjoon’s type.
He tries to keep his cool and looks at his reflection on the surface of one of the coffee machines to check if his hair looks good. It’s decent. It got hot suddenly in the cafe and he only prays that he doesn’t start sweating and those ugly sweat patches make an appearance on his shirt as they usually do.
Slowly and with caution, the guy starts to turn his head to look at Namjoon again. He must have thought that Namjoon wasn’t looking at him anymore, but here he is, ready to meet his eyes when the guy turns his head fully. His eyes widen when he catches Namjoon staring, and he freezes in place. Namjoon, in an attempt to send the message that he’s approachable, smiles at him.
The guy stutters and the wallet he was holding flies in the air until it lands at Namjoon’s feet. The guy rushes to pick it up but, before he does, Namjoon has time to see the Kuromi pattern all over the wallet.
Kuromi Guy’s face is painfully red as he puts the incriminatory wallet inside his bag. Fuck, he’s cute.
He’s about to step into action and tell him a few reassuring words to ease his embarrassment when the barista hands Kuromi Guy his drink. He looks relieved and like he’s about to run away and hide somewhere, but then his brow furrows, looking at the drink in his hand. “Sorry, this is not—” he says to the barista, but she already turned her back to them and is working on another drink.
His voice is soft and Namjoon just wants him to keep talking and listen to it more.
He registers then what he was starting to say to the barista, looks at the drink, and connects the dots.
“That must be my drink,” he says.
His cheeks are still pink when he turns his head again. “Oh, sorry,” he says, handing the drink immediately to Namjoon.
Namjoon takes it and laughs light-heartedly. “You don’t need to apologize. It’s not like you took it away from my hands.”
Kuromi Guy smiles, finally smiles, and at that moment Namjoon knows he is utterly screwed. This man is handsome, and hot, and has the prettiest smile. Namjoon is only a weak, weak gay man. Kuromi Guy looks at his feet, with the shy smile still on his lips, and, even though Namjoon has his drink already, he doesn’t want to go.
“Not a fan of iced americano?” It’s lame. Namjoon is usually a little better at flirting than this, but this guy’s presence is really affecting him.
“Not really. Too bitter.”
“Understandable.”
Namjoon tries to come up with something else to say to keep the conversation going, to have the chance to ask for his number, maybe. But then, the pink-haired barista ruins his plans.
She approaches Kuromi Guy from the other side of the counter. “Hey, have you seen the changes we made on our instagram profile?”
That’s Namjoon’s cue to leave, as much as it pains him. He’ll just have to stay single and with no prospect of kissing a handsome man in the near future. It’s okay. Kuromi Guy throws one last glance at Namjoon before looking at what the barista is showing him on her phone. With his heart breaking a little, he grabs his croissant and his coffee and heads to the patio after murmuring a soft goodbye.
Well, maybe this didn’t end as Namjoon wanted, but that doesn’t erase the fact that a hot —and shy and cute— man was checking him out, and that does wonders for Namjoon’s self-esteem. That’s more than enough.
He chooses a table and puts down his things. For a moment before sitting down, he’s torn between going back to the shelf he saw earlier to check what books they have or taking out his computer from his bag but, in the end, he chooses the latter because he can use the time to answer some mails.
His plans, again, fly out of the window the moment he sees someone walking to one of the tables near his.
Kuromi Guy.
Namjoon tries to bite down his smile and acts nonchalantly, looking at his computer screen and taking a sip of his coffee. He feels Kuromi Guy’s eyes on him.
He basks in that excitement, in the thrill of knowing that he’s liked, knowing that this can go somewhere. And maybe he’s a little mean because he keeps his eyes on his screen for a few minutes pretending that he’s working.
When he looks up, he meets Kuromi Guy’s eyes as he thought he would. This time, although he still looks shy, the guy doesn’t look away. Namjoon smiles at him, and he gives a timid smile back.
Namjoon notices the guy’s drink, something sweet-looking with whipped cream on top. Banana shake it’s Namjoon’s guess.
“Definitely not an iced americano,” Namjoon says.
Kuromi Guy huffs a laugh and warmth fills Namjoon’s chest. He wants to hear a full loud laugh from him. Wants to be the one to elicit it.
“Definitely not.”
“It suits you.”
He visibly flusters and plays with the straw of his shake. “I don’t know if that’s supposed to be good or bad.”
“It’s a compliment. I have a sweet tooth.”
Kuromi Guy’s hand stills on his straw where he was stirring his shake. He takes a sip but it looks like he does it as an excuse to have something to do. Namjoon knows he really likes this man when he finds the blended mess he made of his drink endearing.
“Wouldn’t have guessed it,” he says, gesturing with his head to Namjoon’s coffee. “To be fair, I don’t think iced americano suits you.”
“Really? Why?”
“It’s bitter and boring. I don’t think you’re either of those things.”
Namjoon is going to scream in front of all these strangers, he is going to run to the nearest cliff and jump into the sea.
He takes a deep breath.
“Thank you, huh—,” he starts saying, unable to stop the grin on his lips. “Can I have your name?”
“Jeongguk,” he says, playing with his lip ring. Because of course he has a lip ring.
“Jeongguk. Thank you Jeongguk.” Surely, some of the other people on the patio can hear their conversation, but Namjoon doesn’t care. “It’s the first time I come to this cafe. I’m Namjoon.”
Jeongguk looks down, moves around the straw inside his shake again, and then says softly, “I know.”
Namjoon’s brow furrows. “You know? Sorry, do we know each other?” Namjoon might not have the best memory, but he’s sure that he would remember Jeongguk if they had met before.
On the other hand, there’s something familiar in his eyes. Those eyes, he's sure he's seen those eyes before. There's a memory at the back of his head trying to come to life but Namjoon can't remember where he's met Jeongguk before.
"You used to give me English lessons when I was fourteen," Jeongguk says, looking down and moving the straw inside his glass anxiously.
As soon as Jeongguk says that, he has a flashback of those eyes looking up at him full of curiosity as he explained English grammar, like he was trying so hard to absorb Namjoon’s knowledge just by looking at him.
Of course he knows Jeongguk. He just knew him by a different name.
“No shit! Jeongguk?” he turns in his chair to fully face him. “You’re so grown up, I can’t believe we ran into each other. How have you been?”
Jeongguk looks up again, his face lighting up. “Fine, I’ve been fine, I’m— I thought I was seeing a ghost earlier when I spotted you at the line.”
“What were the chances, I just—” Namjoon closes his computer, not caring about the emails anymore. “Can I sit over there with you?”
Jeongguk offers him an excited smile. “Yeah, yeah, of course.”
Namjoon quickly grabs his things and goes to sit at Jeongguk’s table. “I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you, you’ve grown so much.”
“It’s okay. I mean it’s normal given that—” he makes vague hand gestures at his body. “I look very different from the last time we saw each other.”
“You were a kid the last time I saw you. I can’t believe you’re an adult now.” Namjoon is also having a hard time processing that the hot man he’s been thirsting after for the last half an hour is the same kid he gave lessons to.
“We’re only three years apart! You were a kid, too,” he chuckles. “Although you looked so grown-up and cool in my eyes.”
“Better not think about that Namjoon. My hair was a disaster,” he says, covering his face with his hands embarrassed at the memory. He’s also thrilled because Jeongguk thought he was cool, even if that is completely not true. “So, tell me what have you been up to all those years! I want to hear everything.”
Jeongguk looks excited to be talking with Namjoon but a shy smile is still tugging at the corner of his lip and yeah, learning that he is the same kid that Namjoon knew doesn’t make him want him less. Is it wrong to feel this way?
“You’re going to laugh.”
“What? Why would I laugh?”
Jeongguk gnaws at his lower lip, playing with his piercing. Jeongguk looks at him for a moment and starts laughing, his nose scrunching up in a way that makes him look adorable. It’s there. He’s the vivid image of that kid who laughed mischievously every time he knew he was going to get in trouble.
Namjoon looks at Jeongguk’s lip ring and wonders if Jeongguk would still laugh if he were the one tugging at it with his teeth.
“I’m a Korean-English translator,” Jeongguk says finally.
“What? You’re kidding.”
“I’m not! Wait.” He stands up and walks to the bookshelf that Namjoon eyed earlier. Namjoon doesn’t check his ass out as he walks away. He does not. That would be disrespectful. He comes back with a book, opens it as soon as he sits down, and hands it to Namjoon. “Check it out for yourself.”
Jeongguk does this adorable thing then, touching his ears as he waits for Namjoon to read, and Namjoon just wants to eat him . He’s so freaking cute.
He looks down at the book before he does something stupid. And there it is, Jeon Jeongguk under the translation credits.
“Wow. This is amazing, Jeongguk.” Pride fills Namjoon’s chest as he keeps reading Jeongguk’s name written down over and over again. “And to think you struggled so much memorizing the irregular verb list. Look at you now.”
Namjoon finds him smiling again when he looks up. “Thank you, hyung.”
“Wow. It’s the first time that I contributed to something important, something that really matters.”
Jeongguk frowns. “That’s not true. You have contributed to a lot of important things, and I speak from experience.” He sounds offended by that suggestion.
In his eyes, Namjoon sees the same admiration that was there when they were kids and Jeongguk listened to him explain stuff like he had all the knowledge of the universe. Does he still see him like that? Does he still have that unconditional faith in him, like he is some kind of superhero who can do anything? Even after not seeing each other for so long?
It’s flattering to be looked at like that, but it’s also scary. Because Namjoon feels like he’s still that kid dressed like an adult, figuring out how to survive every day and deceiving everyone into thinking he’s something he’s not. It’s a matter of time before someone finds out.
But that’s too deep and too personal to talk right now. “You have to tell me everything about your job. That has to be so cool.”
“It isn’t, trust me. It’s me, an original text, and my dictionary against a blank document. But we can talk about that later. Now, you tell me about yourself. What have you been up to? I haven’t seen you around in all these years.”
Namjoon is thrilled to hear that there’s going to be a later , that this conversation isn’t polite small talk to catch up before they both go separate ways.
“I wasn’t. Around, I mean. I came to visit my parents but usually we spent the day at the house and then I went back to the city, so it’s logical that we didn’t run into each other.” Jeongguk looks at him, his eyes round, absorbing Namjoon’s every word. “I came back for good a few weeks ago.”
“How so?”
“My dad had a heart attack recently. He’s okay, though, don’t worry. Just a scare.”
Jeongguk looks so painfully shaken by Namjoon’s words that he wishes to take them back. “I’m so sorry, hyung. I’m glad he’s okay but that had to be scary.”
“He’s recovering well, I promise. Don’t worry.”
“I have seen your parents around and they always greet me, but I didn’t know anything.”
“I’m shocked you didn’t. Word gets around so fast in this town.”
“Well, that’s on me. I don’t go out that much,” he says, huffing a laugh.
Namjoon smiles. “Better to have heard it from me, then. But yeah, that happened and I decided to come back to help them and keep an eye on him. I’m making sure he eats healthy food and I’ll make him do light exercise when he’s better. I’m even learning to cook by looking for online recipes.”
Namjoon feels something warm touching his hand and, when he looks down, he sees Jeongguk's hand on top of it, squeezing lightly. It makes his breath catch in his throat for a million different reasons. “That’s really good, hyung.”
He doesn’t know if the lump in his throat is from talking about his dad, from Jeongguk’s touch, or from his comforting words. Either way, he feels like he becomes small under his hand. It’s like he didn’t know he needed exactly this until he got it.
Unable to look away, he stares at Jeongguk’s tattooed hand, surprisingly soft despite its appearance. Or maybe not surprising at all.
Jeongguk must misunderstand Namjoon looking because he removes his hand. Namjoon catches himself just before he asks him not to do it.
When he’s finally able to look up, Jeongguk looks like he wants to hide under the table. That makes Namjoon recover because, fuck, he really is cute. “And what did you do before moving back here?” Jeongguk asks eagerly, surely wanting to change the focus of Namjoon’s attention.
So Namjoon tells him about himself. He tells him about how he has been working for years in a chain bookstore and, although the job wasn’t that bad and it paid the bills, he felt like that wasn’t the place for him lately. He tells him that his dad getting sick was the turning point that made up his mind to quit. He tells him that he’s been talking to the owner of the bookshop he went to while growing up and he’s going to transfer it to him because he’s going to retire.
Jeongguk listens to Namjoon with excitement written all over his face. Twelve years since they last saw each other and he still has the ability to make Namjoon feel important just by listening to him.
He shares with him his ideas for the bookshop and asks for his opinion on some topics. Jeongguk is so helpful, telling him about books and authors he knows or has worked with. They only realize they’ve been talking for almost two hours when the pink-haired girl from before comes by to clean the table next to theirs and makes a teasing comment about it to Jeongguk.
Namjoon fears that this will be it, that Jeongguk will say that it’s been nice seeing each other and then he will walk away. Before he can do either of those things —and while he’s still giving the girl a dirty look— Namjoon says, “Do you want to go outside and take a walk?”
It sounds a little desperate even to his own ears, but he will take that over the alternative of watching Jeongguk go.
He turns his head to look at Namjoon again, his eyebrows raised and a small smile on his lips. “I’d love that,” he says softly.
Without either of them explicitly saying it, they walk toward the direction of the beach. Once they get there, Jeongguk takes off his shoes and runs to the shore. So boyish and carefree and happy that Namjoon has no other option than to follow him.
Jeongguk rolls up his pants and rushes inside the water until it reaches his knees. “Come here, hyung!”
Namjoon walks into the water pulling up his jeans like Jeongguk. The water is cold but it feels so nice in his skin.
Feeling mischievous, when Jeongguk is not paying attention, he splashes him with water with his hand. Jeongguk opens his mouth in shock and his eyes shine with playfulness, and that opens the floodgates. They run and play around the water until they are soaked from head to toe. It’s been so long since Namjoon has felt this young .
After their laughs die down and they stare at each other, chests heaving, Jeongguk runs away with no warning. At first, Namjoon is confused, and he thinks that he wants him to chase him. He is not opposed to that, not if it means that he can keep him with him. But then he sees him making his way back holding something in his hands.
“Look,” he says with a blinding smile. He opens his hands very slowly and Namjoon spots a tiny crab in his palm. “A friend. You still like them, right hyung?”
Namjoon is supposed to be looking at the crab that Jeongguk brought him, but he is unable to look at anything else other than him. Watching him there, smiling and sun-kissed, looking up at him with his deer-like eyes, acting like seeing Namjoon after a lifetime is the best thing that’s happened to him, remembering things about him even though they haven’t seen each other in years, only makes him want to kiss him. To taste the sea water on his lips.
They were flirting before, right? Or did Namjoon read it wrong? Does Jeongguk also want to kiss him?
He is about to ask him for permission but then—
“Quick hyung, give me your hands, it’s going to run away!”
Namjoon blinks and does as he’s told, dumbly offering his hands. Jeongguk transfers the crab to his hands and memories come to Namjoon’s mind, flashbacks of all the times he looked for crabs growing up.
“How did you know that I liked them?”
Jeongguk averts his eyes, looks down at the crab in Namjoon’s hands that’s trying to run away. “I saw you back then sometimes when you came here,” he says, softly. “Not in a creepy way, I promise,” he chuckles. “It’s just that if I was walking by or was around, it was cute to see you looking for them.”
Namjoon scrunches up his nose, cringing thinking about Jeongguk seeing him all goofy at the beach, even if they were both kids. He decides to ignore that information and focus on the fact that Jeongguk remembers that, even to this day.
“Hello,” he says to the crab to have something to do and to show Jeongguk that he appreciates what he did. “Cute.”
The moment is gone now and, although Namjoon still wants to kiss him, that need from seconds ago has died down. Also, he’s a coward,
“Let’s go over there, there are more,” Jeongguk says.
They find themselves entertained for a while looking for crabs at the shore and near the rocks. Jeongguk keeps bringing crabs to Namjoon whenever he spots one, in a way that reminds Namjoon of an excited puppy bringing you stuff to show its affection, making him melt every time.
After all the flirting at the cafe, and all the talking, and all the smiles, and the way Jeongguk looks at him, he can’t help but think about this as a date in his head. What else could it be? If his brain isn’t playing tricks on him, he’s pretty sure the attraction is mutual. Still, he doesn’t want to scare Jeongguk in case that’s not it, so he doesn’t say anything. He makes sure to leave lingering touches whenever there’s a chance to send his message.
They sit on the sand when they get tired. Namjoon doesn’t know what time it is (and doesn’t want to check either) but he’s pretty sure that at this point he’s spent half of the day with Jeongguk.
Namjoon lets out a deep sigh. “I really missed the sea,” he says, watching the waves. “I was looking through my stuff the other day in my old bedroom and found a poem I wrote when I was seventeen. It was called ‘ What color are the waves? ’. I really was obsessed.”
“You used to spend a lot of time here,” Jeongguk says as he draws with his index finger on the sand. “I used to have the biggest crush on you back then. That’s why I know.”
“ Oh .”
“Yeah,” he laughs. “Don’t think I was so eager for our lessons because I was interested in English.”
Now that he told him, Namjoon can see it. The adoration in his eyes makes sense all of a sudden. Warmth settles in his chest. “You say that when you studied something English-related later at university.”
“But that was because— You know what they say about being a mosaic of every person you loved? You showed me that languages could be fun.”
His stomach flips and he feels giddy . He can’t be real. This can’t be real.
He swallows, anticipation from Jeongguk’s words and what they could mean now making his heart beat faster. “I’m sorry if I did anything that hurt you then. I saw you as a little brother who I helped with his homework, but if you liked me, I don’t think you appreciated that.”
“I made peace with the fact that it wasn’t mutual as I grew up, but yeah, at the time it wasn’t easy. I just wanted you to fall for me,” he laughs lightly, shaking his head. “I did everything I could to get your attention.”
Namjoon smiles sympathetically. “I’m sorry. You were so young and cute, I couldn’t see you like that.”
“Also, you are gay and I wasn’t a ‘boy’ at the time, you know? It makes sense that you didn’t even consider me.”
Namjoon hums. “Yeah, that too, maybe. But I think it was more because of the older brother thing.”
“At first, when I started to question my gender, I thought I only wanted to be a man because that way you could like me back. Later I realized that was just who I was, but I was that obsessed with you.”
Namjoon gnaws at his lower lip. “You make it sound like I was a heartthrob or something.”
“Well…” he says, that playful glint in his eyes again.
That impulse, that need from earlier comes back, and Namjoon tells himself that this is it, that he has to do it now. “But now I’m back and I see you as an adult and you definitely have all my attention because you’re wonderful. And also super hot.”
Jeongguk throws his head back laughing, his cheeks tinted pink because of the sun and something else. “When I saw you at the cafe, all those past feelings came back stronger than ever with just a quick glance at you. So, yeah.”
Jeongguk looks down at Namjoon’s lips and it makes Namjoon burn in the best way. “I’ve been thinking about kissing you since you brought me the crab.”
A smile tugs at the corner of Jeongguk’s lips. “I’ve been thinking about kissing you half of my life,” he says, before he puts his hand gently on Namjoon’s neck and leans forward.
Namjoon kisses his soft, salty lips and Jeongguk lets out a content sigh, like he really has been waiting for this for so long. It makes Namjoon feel so wanted and grateful to be here at this moment with him. He puts all he has to offer into the kiss to make up for the wait.
After they break apart, Namjoon pecks Jeongguk’s lips a few times and he smiles so prettily.
“I can make us something to eat at my apartment if you want.”
Namjoon kisses him briefly one last time, now that he can. “I’d love that.”