Chapter Text
If there is any solace for a broken soul please let mine be the first to die, broken, hollow and alone. I find myself wondering at what point complacency in my own life had become something of comfort and not general annoyance. I sit and I wait for things to change, not for the worst; I hope only for better things for myself and those I love.
As I sit waiting stuck in my own thoughts with only the ticking clock as company I remind myself of why I am here. I sit alone waiting for Ray with my phone's battery drained and my headphones now useless yet still secured over my ears. The last few lines of a song stuck bouncing around in my brain were simple yet real to me, I have lost my lust for living.
Not wanting to keep my thoughts stuck in a spiral, I try as hard as I can to shift my focus to Ray. What is he thinking in there? Is he doing well? Is the conversation too heavy, and will he share with me the things that are tearing him up inside? I know that he loves me and I love him just the same, right?
I see Ray for who he is and love him for his faults not in spite of them. I love Ray regardless of things that are left unsaid between us though I still hope for the day that I can say all that I want with reckless abandon. My mind loops back around to the lyrics and I know that Ray hasn’t told me everything and there are some things he might never tell me but I hope in some ways I have helped him in regaining his lust for living.
I’m drawn out from my thoughts by the familiar sound of a voice, it belongs to a person I can’t quite say I’ve ever enjoyed seeing. Lifting my head I see him rounding the corner and entering the hallway where I’m seated just a few steps from the door Ray is behind.
It's Top, though it's been a couple years as always he stands out and draws attention no matter the circumstance. My heart starts to double up in rhythm like it does whenever we’re in the same room together. The part of me that had convinced myself I was fine with Top seems to hide its protective shielding like it always does.
Wounds I swore had healed perfectly fine are new and fresh with every step he takes in my direction and though he could pass me by without sparing me a glance I stand. I curse my temper but not nearly quick enough because words are already spilling forward.
“What are you doing here?” I ask. He ignores me. There's answers I don’t want in his silence.
He gets to walk around like nothing matters and a nerve in me snaps. Why does Top look fine and like nothing is phasing him. My life is crashing down around me and every person that loves to say I told you so is calling and texting me non stop but, Top. He is pristine and calm as still waters, and I alone know the dangers of still waters.
“I said what are you doing here, you asshole. You see me talking to you so for fucks sake look at me.” I say, and for a moment my voice is unrecognizable to my own ears. There's a level of frustration and untreated malice to my tone that would make me flinch had someone else been directing this anger to me.
Top looks at me, he really looks at me as if for a moment he had to register in his own mind why I would be speaking to him in such a way. He takes his eyes off me to check his watch and I feel myself growing more annoyed. “Listen Sand, I’m not here for you. This is a very public space and I’m guessing if even twenty more minutes were to go by before I passed you here we wouldn’t even be having a conversation. We can still have that happen by the way.”
He smiles at me, and I want to yell and shout every insult I can think of, I don’t yell in fear that Ray might hear me. Top’s smile isn’t one to cause much alarm in anyone but myself. I find that no matter what he does I can’t stand it for even a second.
“Excuse me.” He says and makes his way further down the hall to where I know the building's front entrance to be. Top walks and walks getting further away, conflict resolved.
I don’t want resolution, I want a fight that fuels me for hours. Soon I'm matching pace surprisingly well and I meet him right outside the building where he stands just steps away from his car.
“Top.” I shouted to him. My voice was loud and I could tell the others in the parking lot were failing not to stare at the two of us. “Do you have a problem with me?”
My words are irrational and barely held together by anything but my own anger and frustration. I know that realistically he would have no idea that I was here and that he also doesn’t care nearly enough about either of us to go out of his way to cause a disturbance. He waits until a few more cars have exited the parking lot and then finally looks my way.
I wait for an outburst or any equal exchange of the anger I pushed in his direction. I can always count on my ability to throw my words at him like daggers and take what he gives me back just as well. There is no kindness that lies between us or need for care and gentleness, I despise every ounce of his existence just as I assume he does to me.
“Sand, there's no reason for me to have a problem. Also just get lost.” Top says. I know he’s lying, he has to be. I need him to be angry with me because I can’t do this alone.
“Weak excuse.” I say wanting to push all of his buttons.
Top rolls his eyes at me and I hate that he seems to believe his own lies. “And if you would leave me to be on my own I’d do the same for you.” Top says his tone doesn’t hold any malice and I find that irritating myself even more.
Top’s eyes scan my face and body, I can’t tell what conclusion he comes up to but I hate it all the same. He always did that, he would make up all these assumptions in his own mind and then treat others accordingly while never second guessing himself.
“I’m going to head out now and go get something to eat, maybe when you’re done here you should do the same. I can’t do this right now, so goodbye.” Top says unlocking his car door.
“No, talk to me.” I shout again and he looks at me for a long time before speaking as if he’s unsure of what words he could possibly say to placate me.
“Are you done here? Waiting for anything?” He asks. Tops gripping his keys in his hand tightly and I wonder if he’s nervous or just overall uncomfortable with my presence.
My thoughts get jumbled and I refuse to answer. Top motions towards his passenger seat and I raise my head at the movement of his hand. “We don’t need to talk in the rain, you’ll get sick and I don’t want that.”
“Rain?” I question and at that I feel the droplets of water smacking at my skin heavily. Had I truly not noticed it the entire time, as the realization comes to me I feel the coldness set in.
As we both got into the car I found myself shivering and regretting my choice of shoes for the day as they offered little protection. We both sat in silence waiting for the other to speak as I lazily scanned my eyes over the interior of the vehicle.
A good twenty minutes of silence passed between us as I found myself trying to do my best to focus and calm down. Top didn’t offer comforting words or looks of pity, he didn’t mock me or try to console me, and I appreciated that.
There was a half empty pack of cigarettes stuffed into the passenger side car door and the warm air blowing in through the vents was grounding. I run my hands along the inside of my jeans pockets and pull out my lighter.
“Do you smoke?” I ask to break the tension.
“No.” Top says, he’s looking out of the driver side window back to the building we were both in. “You can if you want though, I have no use for them.”
“I see.” I say placing the pack back down where I grabbed it from and stuffing my lighter back into my pocket. “I’m sorry for my um…”
“Don’t apologize to me.” He says. Top turns to look at me, he looks angry but more upset than anything else.
“I’m sorry.” I say again, clasping my hands together awkwardly.
“You hate me and that’s fine I don’t like you that much either but you’ve got bigger shit to worry about so the second you get out of this car get your fucking act together okay?” Top’s words are direct and to the point.
“I don’t know if I can.” I say meekly and I can tell it bothers him. We have only ever spoken while drunk or angry.
“Don’t know if you can do what?” He asks snidely and there's a bite to his voice that I tried to provoke earlier. “And you look like a damn ghost, pick yourself up because this is fucking embarrasing.”
“Top, please. I’m sorry–”
“No. And you don’t have to be. You know who should be sorry that asshole who’s sitting in some hospital getting read a sweet little list of the things he needs to do to recover from the fucking accident he caused.” Top says, he’s got a temper that matches mine in ways if we were friends I would consider us to be a perfect match.
“It's not his fault, how was he supposed to see their car in the rain and it was storming heavily. They weren’t doing anything wrong, no one was. We shouldn’t blame–” He cuts me off again angrily but I can see the sadness and desperation in his eyes where he wishes he could believe my words.
“Then who should I blame for this? Should I blame them for running off somewhere in the middle of the night like two idiots, or do I blame the stop lights for working as intended.” Top shouts and I wonder how long these thoughts have been swirling in his own mind.
“You can’t blame anyone, it's no one's fault, I mean how could anyone have seen this coming?” I say as confidently as I can but my voice is shaking and the coldness is setting back in as I feel all sense of panic rushing back at once.
“You know, it's difficult loving someone that so clearly needs more than you can give. Who am I kidding, I'm sure you know.” Top says solemnly as he pushes his hair back. I can tell he’s fighting with himself to not look back at the building.
“I didn’t want this to happen.” I say and I clench my teeth as Top rolls his eyes at me. Of course he knows I didn’t want this. No one wants to find out that their partner has been in an accident, and they definitely don’t want to receive exponentially worse news every second.
“Did he?” I ask and as Top nods his head I feel the weight of all my words replaying and replaying inside my skull.
“You couldn’t have known, and I don’t need an apology. Just fix yourself before going back in there because I refuse to keep trying to stay composed and I need to know that you can keep going because I’m sure Ray will need you.” Top says, his hands aren’t gripping the wheel and I can tell he’s going to have a breakdown the second he’s alone.
“I understand.” I say. My hand is ready to open the car door and I try to ignore how unsteady his breathing sounds. As I brace myself to walk back out into the cold rain I feel a tug at the thin sleeve of my jacket. “Yes?”
“This is Mew’s car.” Top says with a heavy sigh. I want to question his action but as he stuffs the familiar box of cigarettes alongside a slip of paper into my hand I nod wordlessly and make my long walk back inside. I brace myself taking the time to stand there and then push open the door making my way to Ray.
It must hurt way deep down in everyone's hearts when they lose a loved one whether they lost touch or were inseparable to a fault. I find my fingers tracing the edges of the chair where I sat waiting for any sign of any other emotion than sadness to wash over me.
Looking to my left I can almost imagine Mew sitting right next to me just like we were nearly a day ago. I can see the outline of his shape and if I zone out enough I can hear his voice, not full words but I can hear him nonetheless.
Mew is comforting and warm in ways that make sense to me completely and can never be replicated. I can imagine so clearly what he would say to me and how he’d laugh at my form hunched over and weak, not out of harm but because it is just such a Mew thing to do. I called him out of fear and loneliness but one thing led to another and years worth of work ended with just an evening of passionate and idiotic bliss.
My name from his lips is saccharine, sweet goodness and all things that I only know to overindulge in. I want to feel the curve of his lips against mine once more and I mourn. I recognize that neither of us were ever in control and I enjoyed what lengths we pushed each other too.
I crave what new sensations I could fall into by doing my best to reach him once more and I feel the weight of my shame much more than I feel even an ounce of guilt.
“Ray.” A voice calls out to me and I turn expecting it to be Top, angry and prideful. I almost want it to be him, so that now with no one in the way to stop either of us we could finally fight with everything we have. He would win, but it was never about winning.
Looking out I see Sand and a part of me sobers up as if I’d been lost in a haze. He looks angry and upset as I figured he would but there's so much sadness in his eyes that I know I created. “Hi.” I push out pathetically.
He wraps his arms around me without a word and holds me as I cry. I bury my face into his shoulder inhaling the scent of rainwater.
“Sand, I.” The words never form, not in my throat and certainly not in my head.
“Please don’t.” He says and I shut my mouth.
Sand removes his arms from around me but doesn’t make a move to go anywhere and reaches to pull something out of his jacket. It's hard to make out at first but then as the small cigarette package is being gently placed in my hands any semblance of composure I had falls away.
“Top, um, he wanted you to have these.” Sand says and moves to pull out another thing. I sit clutching the box as if it's a life line while Sand makes sense of the note. “It's an address… I don’t recognize it.”
He hands me the note but I already know what is written there. “Mew was going to take me to visit his secret spot.” I laugh through pained sobs. I’d always joked with him that Top had to have known where it was but he would just deflect anytime I asked.
“I see, did you still want to go?” Sand asks. His tone is light and practiced. He holds himself highly as always with such a respectable and easy going attitude. He doesn’t ask questions or yell, Sand listens to me go on and on while holding me close.
“I’m so sorry.” I say, wiping away my own tears.
“Don’t apologize to me… I don’t want one.” Sand smiles.
I don’t like the smile he gives me, there's so much left unsaid between us at the moment and I fear he thinks the worst of me. Not that he would be wrong to. Just as I pipe up to speak more sand shushes me and puts his headphones around my ears.
My cheeks feel hot and I am tired. He pulls out his phone and it loops the last song he was listening to. As he walks with me hand and hand out the building I feel with every step away that I lose a little piece of myself.
“I was only able to recharge it a little but the cars are not far off, okay?” Sand says he is careful, gentle and kind as always. He doesn’t jab at my fresh wounds and he doesn’t ask the questions I know must be whirling around in his brain.
I feel numb. As the song comes to the last line I can't help but to agree, I have lost my lust for living.