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Yin thought that remaining friends with an ex was something he could do. They were friends before anything else, how hard could it be for them to fall back to old routines? Months into it and he was starting to realize that it was harder than he expected it to be.
He had initially wanted to go out and drink the night away but instead he found himself completely sober trying to take care of the two drunk men he was with. His friend and his ex-boyfriend were both way past their alcohol levels, slurring through their words and swaying on their seats.
"I really don't understand why you two broke up, I thought Yin was more reasonable than that." Prom slurred and War nodded gravely, forgetting that the topic of their conversation was sitting right there at the table with them.
"He-" War slumps, cheek hitting the table. "He just suddenly calls me out of fucking nowhere and breaks up with me. Who even breaks up over the phone?"
In hindsight, that was an asshole thing to do, but he really couldn't bear the thought of breaking up with War face to face. He couldn't do it, not without second guessing everything he was going to say.
"And you know what he said, he said he couldn’t do it anymore. That he had too much on his plate, that he should let me go while I don’t hate him yet” War snorts. “Does he think so low of me?. I deserve better than that. I deserve to tell him that whatever he was going through, we could go through it together. But no, the idiot asked me if we could still be friends and I said yes. I guess we’re both idiots."
He admits, at the time he wasn’t in his best state but he was sure of what he was doing. War deserves someone better than him, he deserves someone who doesn't have a million what if’s. Someone secure and someone who could give him the love he deserves. Somehow he had convinced himself that that person wasn’t him.
"Do you know what hurts more?" War asked, lifting his head and looking longingly outside. Yin let himself bask in the sight of War in the dimly lit corner of the bar, even like this, he was beautiful. "It hurts more because it feels like I'm the only one that's hurting. One day we were happy and the next I was pushed away, like I meant nothing to him."
That, Yin thinks, wasn't fair. Because even months after the breakup, War still meant the world to him, nothing changed except the status of their relationship. Thinking of the times he can't spend with War is a constant reminder of what he chose to let go. The thought of War falling in love with someone who could treat him better than he ever could was a thought that haunted him every night. And it physically pains him that he already had War in his arms but he was stupid enought to let him go because he was riddled with his own insecurities.
They said that if you love someone, you should learn to let them go. But why did it hurt so much just thinking about War being happy with someone else.
"He still loves you." Prom murmurs, patting War's shoulder. "I know he does."
Yin turns to Prom, shocked because he sounded so sure of what he just said. But then again, he really couldn't hide anything from his friend could he? War on the other hand, just laughs bitterly.
"If he still loves me, then he would be here with me."
But I am here. Yin wants to scream and take War back in his arms but he gave up the right to do that when he broke War's heart.
"You!" the smaller man suddenly points a finger in his direction.
"Me?" Yin asks, pointing at himself.
"Yes, don't you think I deserve better? I deserve better than being broken up over the phone by a man with no guts to tell me why. I thought we were going to graduate, get a place of our own and work through whatever the future had in store for us, together. It seems that he didn’t feel the same way."
To say that Yin was shocked would be an understatement. War was not someone who was overly vocal about their relationship, to hear that War planned a future with him was something he never heard from the other . A warm feeling bloomed in his chest before it was replaced with regret, those plans probably don't include him now.
"Yes you do. You deserve the world." He whispers looking intently at the red-faced man. "You deserve so much better."
"I don't need the world. I just need him here, with me. But it's starting to feel like he was the one that didn't need me." War said sadly, taking another gulp of the alcohol. "Fuck love."
Yin was itching to pull War into his arms and tell him that he wants to take it back. That he never meant a single word he said that night. He was itching to tell him that he still loved him, so much. Too much.
"I miss him." War whispers. "I miss him so much."
"Nevermind that stupid friend of mine." Prom interjects. "If he doesn't want you then we'll find you someone who will."
"Yeah! War exclaimed loudly, catching the attention of the other bar goers who only laughed at his flushed face. "Why am I wasting my time on him anyway? Let's go!"
"No!" Yin shouts, startling the two men who were giggling among themselves. "No, both of you are going to go home, get some sleep and pray that you don't feel like shit in the morning."
"But I want to stay." War begged, pouting up at him. Had this been any other day, Yin would have given in, given War anything he asked for. But right now, he was tired and haunted by his terrible life decisions.
"I'm taking you home. You need to sleep."
---
Getting Prom and War out of the bar without any injuries was a struggle but he somehow managed. Shuffling them inside the car was harder but after about thirty minutes of trying to haul Prom on the backseat and trying to get War to stand up from where he had settled on the sidewalk, they were finally off. Thankfully, he sobered off while the two were talking about him so they managed to arrive at Prom's place without any hiccups.
After dropping Prom off, he went back to his car to start heading to War’s place. He turned to the other man who was dozing off on the passenger side, smiling fondly when War jerked upright after hitting his head softly on the window.
Cute. War was a very cute drunk.
“What are you looking at?” War asked when he caught him. “I’m fine.”
“Sure you are.” Yin snorts as they enter the main road. “Let’s get you home sleepyhead.”
They arrive at War’s place and Yin tries his best to make sure that War arrives on his doorstep unscathed. When they arrived in front of War’s room, he heard War curse under his breath.
“What is it?” He asked.
“I don’t have my key.” War replied.
“Did you drop it somewhere?” Yin started to look around, thinking that War dropped the key sometime when they were walking.
“Probably.”
When they turn up with nothing after a few minutes of searching, War slumps on the wall and pulls out his phone. “I’ll ask around if I can crash in somebody else’s place.”
“No.” Yin says, surprising even himself. “I mean, it’s late and they’re probably sleeping. You can sleep in my room.”
“Are you sure?”
No. Yin wasn’t sure. But what was the difference? War spent a lot of his time in Yin’s room when they were dating, they practically lived together. Every surface of that room reminded him of the good times, he wasn’t sure that bringing War back to that would be good for either of them but he didn’t really have a choice.
“It’s fine. It’s not like we’ve never slept over at each other’s room before.”
---
He opened the door and invited War inside. The other man merely walked past him and laid haphazardly on the bed, closing his eyes.
“Get changed first before going to sleep.”
“I don’t want to move.” War whined.
Yin tsked and pulled War to stand up, herding him to the bathroom.
"Get dressed, you will thank me in the morning."
"Fine." War whined, slamming the bathroom door shut.
War got out of the bathroom when he was laying out his spare beddings on the floor. He looked up and the smaller man was looking at him quizzically.
'What are those for?"
"I have to sleep somewhere." Yin said with a laugh.
"There's a bed." War pointed out.
"That you will sleep on."
"Yin we're not strangers. The floor is uncomfortable, sleep on the bed. It's not like we've never done it before."
Yin sighs, he was going to excuse it, hoping that War will let him slide but as usual, he can never say no to him. But tough luck for him War sobers up pretty fast.
"Alright. I'll be right back."
When he came back from the bathroom, changed and free from smelling like booze, War was already covered with a blanket on his side of the bed. The side he usually slept on when they were still together. Seeing him inside his room again, after months of feeling like they were both dancing on thin ice with each other was a welcome scene to his tired mind.
"Are you just going to stand there?" The lump on the bed asked.
Yin laughed and walked over to his side, turning off the lights and laying down, letting his body relax. War's familiar warmth just inches away from him.
"How long has it been since we slept on this bed together?" He heard War ask in the darkness.
"War." He started, not liking where this was going.
"I missed it." War said quietly.
"I missed it too." He said honestly. Because he did. He missed having War next to him at night, having someone to cuddle after a long day at school.
"Then why did you let me go?"
That one sentence hangs in the air between them. The one sentence he was very reluctant to answer.
"It's late and you're drunk. Go to sleep War."
"Stop running away from me. You know I won't let you. I agreed to be your friend again because I didn't want you out of my life completely. I can't. But don't you think I deserve to know why?"
Yin should've guessed that this conversation was coming but he really didn't think it would come at five in the morning with War only five feet away from him.
"Because I had to." Yin replied simply.
"Bullshit."
"War."
"Don't give me excuses. You're better than that."
Yin sighed looking up in the darkness. "War I- I didn't deserve you. Not at that point in my life."
"It wasn't up to you to decide what I deserved. We were happy, that was enough. I loved you Yin. You know I did."
"I never doubted that you did. And I loved you more than anything. But War, that was a messy time in my life, I was happy with you, but for how long? I didn't want us to get to the point where you hated me because I let my insecurities get the better of me. I had to fix myself first."
"I could have helped you."
"I didn't want to burden you."
"You're never a burden. You know that."
Yin felt the bed shift, the warmth of War's body getting closer.
"I have no excuse honestly. Looking back, it was an asshole move and I left you with more questions than answers. But by the time I realized I fucked that part up, I was too scared to talk to you."
"And, have you fixed yourself?"
"I'd like to think I have. Not having you beside me was torture but I comforted myself with the thought that I was doing it to be a better person. I was doing it so I can finally feel like I deserved to be loved the way you loved me."
"Then what's stopping you?" Yin felt the shift again. "What's stopping you from going back to me?"
He laughed drily. "Aside from the fact that I was dead scared of what you were going to say?"
Yin felt arms circle his waist before War was nuzzling on his side. "Come back."
And the dam broke.
He turned and pulled War to his chest, resting his head on top of the other's.
"Do you still want me? Even if I was an asshole?"
Yin felt War's hands land soft punches on his chest. "I would never not want you."
"I don't deserve you."
"Stop saying that." War's arms tightened around him.
"Are you sure you want me back? Even after everything?" He asked again, making sure that it was what War wanted.
War snorts. "I'm an idiot aren't I?"
"Not at all."
They laid there in the dark, bodies tangled together in a warm embrace. Yin landed a soft kiss on War's head.
"I missed you."
"Don't think it's this easy. I'm going to make your life hard." War jokes. "I'm making you get up at ass o'clock in the morning to get me food, watch me."
Yin laughs. "I can do that."
He missed wrapping War around him. They fit perfectly together, they always have. For months he slept on this bed alone but he hopes that after today it's usual warmth will come back.
"Thank god I pretended to lose my keys."
He stilled before he burst out in laughter. "You didn't?"
"Someone had to make sure you get your head out of the gutter."
"I'm so lucky to have you." Yin said, landing another kiss on War's head. "So lucky."
"Damn right."
