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James Potter was popular, charming, and everyone loved him. He’s known that since he was eleven years old, and maybe there were a few who didn’t particularly like him, but he never really cared. He’s had the attention of many more, especially those whose attention he cared about, and finally, Lily Evans had looked at him, and looked at him, she did, because the love they shared was intense, and James Potter knew, knew since he was eleven that she was the one.
They were in his home, everyone laughing and cheering, it was a rare moment, because of the war; so they salvaged it, they made the best of each moment; they shared jokes and stories, shared drinks and food. It was December 31, and they were in his house so they could greet the new year together, knowing they were all alive.
Lily Evans was next to him, Sirius Black was alive, Remus Lupin sitting next to him, Peter Pettigrew was sharing stories, and though Mary Macdonald wasn’t here—escaping when she realized the war would inevitably happen, and he couldn’t fault her for it—Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes was, and that’s all he wants, his friends alive. Even Mary is alive, that at least he knows. There’s a comfort knowing that even if she’s not here, she’ll be alive.
James took a swig of his muggle alcohol, not Firewhiskey, just in case a problem came up. It’s always easier to sober up from muggle alcohol than Firewhiskey.
Ripples of waves came to his mind, and James dropped his drink.
Shortened breaths, shortened memories, ripples of voice, ripples of flashes, James’s memories returned to him in short waves, and he’s trying to catch his breath. Why do his lungs feel full of water, as if he’s drowning? But he’s here on land, he’s not in a body of water. He’s gripping Lily’s hand, who she reached out to him, to prove it.
Breathe, he needed to breathe, but how can he, when he realized there were so many things he’s forgotten, and it’s not his fault, no, but he still thinks it is.
Distantly, he can see memories of a boy, yes, a boy, who scowled at him and yet still looked beautiful the way the creases on his forehead appeared with his frown. His dark grey eyes looked bright under the sun, and his curls was styled so well he felt embarrassed to be next to him with his wild hair.
“I’m not Sirius,” the boy had said and he could hear himself laugh.
“If you were Sirius, I don’t think I would have chased after you like this,” he replied and to his pleasure, the boy had a faint smile tugging on his lips before he turned around again.
James could see Lily in front of him, asking him to breathe in and out, and he tries to, and yet, he still feels like he’s drowning.
He was in front of a room, seventh floor, he thinks because there was a familiar classroom to the side. A door appeared in front of him where there was wall just before. He entered it, looked around, and plopped on the sofa. A few moments later, the same boy entered.
“We shouldn’t be doing this,” he breathed but James was already in front of him, capturing his lips in a gentle embrace, because this boy had already experienced so many rough things in his past, and James is the calming draught he wants to consume.
“I don’t care,” James replied in between.
“Sirius would get mad.”
“Don’t talk about Sirius while I’m kissing you.”
The room dissolved, and another room appeared. It looked to be an abandoned classroom, there were many in Hogwarts due to the decreasing staff. James thinks it’s because they’ve been preparing for war.
“Babe,” James began. “Do you have anything you want me to teach you?”
“I don’t think there’s anything you can teach me that I don’t already know,” the boy scoffed and James grinned, hugging the boy, and sniffing his hair. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s just… you’re here, I’m here, and I don’t want this to end, not at all.”
James didn’t miss the way the boy remained silent, and didn’t reply, just continued to scribble on his parchment.
The room dissolved yet again, and James feels like the room he’s currently in is rippling away just like his memories. He can feel himself breathe again, but he can’t hear what the others are saying, what the others are calling him.
“Someone could see us,” the boy breathed, his voice hoarse as James gave him kisses on his neck. “James,” he repeated.
“No one can see us, we’re in a place no one comes to often.”
He chuckled and James’s stomach twisted, he loves that sound. “How naughty, did you lead me here knowing that?”
“Yes,” he replied and gave him a kiss on his nape. “Yes, Merlin, yes,”
“You have me, James. You have me.”
“I do.”
James thinks he must have lost him, because he’s not here with him. Lily was here, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Marlene, and Dorcas, but he’s not here. He’s not here with them, and he knows that even if they broke up, there was no way he wouldn’t be here with them right now, not unless something else happened, not unless the James in his memories was right, that the boy was never his.
“James, how do you suppose we leave this place without getting caught?” The boy said, rolling his eyes and James grinned. He doesn’t know why he likes it so much when the boy is mean, but he loves it, and he doesn’t want to question it. Distantly, he thinks that may be why he’s been chasing after Lily for years.
James took out his cloak, and the boy’s eyes widened.
“No,” he said and James’s grin only widened.
“Yes,” he said giddily and the boy gave a soft laugh.
“Is that—is that an Invisibility Cloak?”
“Yes!”
“Merlin, how, how did you get one?”
“It was my dad’s. Been in the Potters’ for generations.”
“Merlin,” he breathed, taking the cloak, “I always thought the Deathly Hallows was just a myth, but to think it’s real? And you have it? Salazar, they’ve been so close to me all this time.”
“I know you like this sort of stuff, so I thought, why not show it to you and take you out?”
“To Hogsmeade? I would think you’re more romantic than that.”
James smiled, “I am.”
James’s mind whirled, and he tries to get up, but his knees buckled and fell back on the sofa. He didn’t even realize he began to cry until his cheeks dripped cold.
“How about a dog?” James began, he was naked next to the boy on the bed in the room in the seventh floor, the room known as the Come-and-go-room. “Two dogs, and I think I’d want three kids.”
The boy scoffed, “I don’t want a dog. Three cats.”
“But three kids are fine?”
The boy paused, “Two is fine.”
“Why two?”
“They’ll have each other, someone to confide in, someone to be with. They wouldn’t be alone, and three seems rowdy. We’d be five in a room.”
James laughed, “Right, right, of course, my dear loving boyfriend wouldn’t want a room to be too noisy.”
James can’t breathe, he’s trying to breathe, but he wishes he can’t.
“Love,” James began and the boy turned around in alarm. “Why are you so surprised?”
“I’m not ready,” the boy replied, looking away.
“For what? I thought we’ve always been ready.”
“No, not me.”
James paused, and the agony ripping his heart hurt, but he tried not to show it. He’s always wondered if he was far deeper into this than the boy was.
“You aren’t ready?”
“No.”
“I am.”
“Don’t say it.”
“I love you, Regulus.”
Regulus, the boy in his memories, slowly gazed up at him, his grey eyes shaking. The sun was illuminating his curls, bouncing off golden rays and making his black hair look golden, his favorite color. He was wearing a shirt that hugged him so tight that James tried many times to look away, and the expression on his face melted, so full of love.
“Do you not love me, Reg?”
Regulus slowly looked away, grimacing.
“Regulus.”
“Don’t,”
“I love you. I love you, so so much.”
“Don’t say it!”
“Why not?”
“Because then it will be real!”
“Was I never real? Were we never real? I think this has been real since the moment I looked at you and thought more of you than just ‘Sirius’s brother’.”
Regulus looked at him again and his eyes were full of tears. James reached out instinctively, but Regulus pushed him away. Regulus didn’t answer, and he turned and left.
The ripping in his heart returned tenfold, because the thought of Regulus leaving, the thought of Regulus never returning to him, the thought of Regulus not here destroyed him.
“Regulus,” James cried. “Regulus, please.”
Regulus turned around. His eyes were a darker grey, and James knows just by intuition that Regulus was using Occlumency, and this must mean something, right? Regulus must be feeling something, and that’s why he’s locking his feelings behind him. He just needs one word, one affirmation, and he’ll bring him back.
“Regulus, don’t do this.”
“James,” Regulus began with a calm tone, so different compared to James who was full on sobbing.
“Regulus, don’t—“
“I took the Mark.”
“I don’t care, I’m still yours, you’re still mine!”
“Jame—Potter, I was never yours. This had always been temporary, we were never going to be together.”
“No! We’re real, we’re real, this wasn’t temporary—“
“You know it was temporary. I knew it was temporary.”
“So what, was it all fake?”
“No,” it seemed to have taken everything for Regulus to say it. “No, but we both know I was never on your side.”
“Regulus, please, Regulus, don’t do this, please, my mum and dad can take you, they’ll protect you, hide you from them.”
“I told you, I’m not Sirius. I don’t need saving, I don’t need your parents.”
“I’ll save you, I’ll take you from that wretched house, I’ll never let you go. I’ll hold you now. I won’t let anyone take you away from me. Hogwarts, be damned. I don’t care if everyone knows, I’ll burn the entire world to keep you, Regulus, please, please tell me you’ll do the same.”
Regulus paused, taking in James’s words as James’s sobs continued to fill the room. Regulus breathed it all in, and breathed it out.
“I’d kill everyone for you, I’d kill Voldemort for you, I’d torture everyone for you,” Regulus begins to say. “I’d kill myself for you, too. Because James, I love you.”
James couldn’t respond because the shock of Regulus raising his wand out powered that.
“Obliviate,” Regulus says and just like that, two years worth of memories faded away from James’s mind and he fell back on the bed, with only the knowledge that he knew what this room was because of the house elves.
James breathed and he cried and he yelled and he sobbed and his heart was being ripped out of him.
“He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead,” James muttered and his friends and love of his life looked at him weirdly.
“Who’s dead, James?” Lily asked, and James looked at her.
Lily Evans had beautiful red hair, flowing to her shoulder, to which she always tied when she was at work and she looked beautiful regardless. Her red cheeks tinged from the alcohol, and her green eyes that reminded him of the grass and the earth stared into his. James’s heart stilled, because he loved Regulus, but he still loved Lily, too. His feelings for her didn’t change nor did it fade just because he recalled his feelings for Regulus, and he breathes a sigh of relief, because he doesn’t know what he’d do if any of his feelings for Lily would change.
He still grimaces though, because that had meant he unknowingly mourned Regulus enough for him to accept his still strong feelings for Lily.
“James, who’s dead?” Lily repeated, her voice was such a great comfort to him, that he could feel his breaths getting more even.
“Regulus,” he breathed and Sirius stilled. “Regulus is dead.”
Remus looked at Sirius almost immediately and Sirius would have jumped James had Remus didn’t immediately grab him.
“This isn’t a joke! You can’t joke about this, James!” He growled, only held back by Remus and Marlene.
“He’s dead, he’s dead,” James continued muttering, holding his hands to his eyes.
“Oh, how would you know that? Did he possess you or something? Was that hyperventilating just part of your prank, James? You know I lost him!”
“I know; I know because he obliviated me sometime sixth year.”
Sirius froze, and looked at him in great horror.
“I remember everything; I remember what he obliviated me on.”
Sirius didn’t respond, his eyes getting glassy.
“You remember?” He asked, his voice cracking. “You remember? But—you, you only remember if—the magic only fades if—“ Sirius doesn’t know how to voice it and he doesn’t want to.
“— the magic only dies only if the user dies too,” Peter supplies, and his eyes were filled with tears, too. “Sirius, are you okay?”
Sirius didn’t respond. He simply stood there, his fists clenched. His eyes darkened, and his face seemed to look almost blank.
“I have to repair my bike,” was what he finally said after a moment’s silence, and turned around to head to the garage.
“Sirius,” Remus called but Sirius didn’t stop. Remus looked at James for just a moment before following him outside.
James continued sobbing, “I should have tried harder,” he said, “I shouldn’t have let him obliviate me, I should have tried harder.”
Lily was silent, and to James’s horror, he wonders if she realized, because Lily had always been so smart, so clever, and so observant. For the first time, he wishes she wasn’t so smart.
“Why did he obliviate you, James?” Dorcas asked, and it may seem like nothing in her tone changed, but he knows Dorcas, and she wasn’t calm, she wasn’t level right now.
He looked up immediately, and he met her eyes, shaking like his.
“Tell me,” she said, her voice shaking a bit, and of course, everyone knows Dorcas and Regulus were the best of friends. It had been a great horror not just in the Slytherin House but also throughout the entire school when they had a great argument in the corridors one day.
There were spells cast, fists thrown, words yelled. Dorcas didn’t want Regulus to go to the other side, but Regulus already had.
His eyes flickered to Lily and Lily’s face fell, as if that look had been confirmation enough.
“Lily, no,” he began and Lily shook her head.
“I can’t talk to you right now,” she said and stood up, heading for her room, the room she stayed in when she came over. Marlene looked between Dorcas and Lily, but she had always been Lily’s friend first, especially since Mary left. Marlene sent a look to Dorcas, to which Dorcas nodded, and immediately followed her. Peter, reading the room, left to go outside.
“Tell me now,” Dorcas demanded and James sobbed again.
“I loved him,” he confessed and Dorcas’s face fell.
“Since?”
“Fourth year.”
“Two years,” she whispered and he grimaced. He knows Dorcas never knew and it must have hurt her to have been never told.
“I didn’t tell anyone either,” he said and Dorcas slowly nodded.
“Did he love you too?”
James paused. “James, I love you.”
He never would have been able to answer that before that moment, perhaps he’d have said he’s ‘sure Regulus must love him too’ but he’d never fully believe it, but now? Now that he’s dead, he can confidently say, “Yes, he loved me too.”
Dorcas, calm and composed Dorcas, cried.
“I lost him,” she sobbed. “I lost him before, and I lost him again.”
“I didn’t even know I lost him,” James said, sobbing more and Dorcas, never the affectionate one, hugged him first. They simply sat there, sobbing and embracing each other.
Did Regulus know? Did Regulus know he would sit there and cry, cry for Regulus? Did he know Dorcas would be crying too? Did he know he touched not one, but three hearts of those he’s lost? Did Regulus sit there, just before dying, and knew he would remember everything about them?
The night continued on, yet it felt like years had gone by. He walked to Lily’s room, and just in time did Marlene come out, too.
“I don’t know what happened,” Marlene began, her eyes icy cold and he flinched. He deserved that. “but you best be careful, James.”
James could only nod before opening the door.
“When?” She asked and James sat on the floor, adjacent to her.
“Fourth year.”
“I noticed you stopped liking me around then,” Lily said. “You stopped with the dramatics, and you kept to yourself. You started seeing me as a friend, and I found I liked you better that way.”
James nodded, “You mentioned that.”
“That was because of Regulus.”
“Yes, it was.”
Lily fell silent, and looked out at the night.
“I still love you,” James blurted out, agony in his face. “I still love you, Lily, my memories returning doesn’t change that.”
Lily slowly looked at him, and he knew she’s been crying. “Really, James? Do you really? Or have you settled for me because he’s gone?”
“NO! NO, no, no! I still love you, Merlin, I love you so much,” he said, springing up from the floor and hugged her. “I love you, loving Regulus didn’t change that.”
“How do I know that, James?” She croaked. “How do I know you didn’t start loving me again because you forgot your feelings for Regulus, and you only remembered liking me?”
“Because I looked at you tonight and I still love you as much as I love you yesterday,” he said, crying again. “I promise, Lils, remembering I used to love Regulus could never change how much I love you.”
A tear fell from Lily’s eye, and James reached out to wipe it away, “I love you, I love you so much, Lils.”
Lily was silent and then, “I love you too, James.”
They embraced then, and James knows that as much as his heart is being ripped apart, he knows things will be fine, knows things will be good, and knows he’ll heal eventually.
“You should go to Sirius,” Lily said suddenly and James pulled away. “It’s his brother, James,” she said and James’s face softened. Lily and Sirius had always been so close because of the common disastrous sibling relationship they shared, so Lily must know better than James how hurt Sirius must be feeling right now.
“I’ll come back,” James said, determinedly and Lily chuckled.
“I’ll wait, then.”
“Sirius,” James called and Remus looked at him first. “Remus.”
James nodded at him and Remus understood perfectly, leaving the two alone.
“Sirius,” James called again but Sirius doesn’t respond. “Sirius.” Again, he doesn’t even look, he just continues tampering with his bike.
James just stood there, watching as Sirius worked on his bike, the silence only filling because of the noise of his tinkering.
“I loved him,” James blurted out, he’s understood since years ago that you have to be straightforward with Sirius. “I loved him so much, Sirius.”
“He’s my baby brother,” Sirius finally said and James tried to hold back a scoff.
“He was barely a baby, Sirius.”
“He died. Do you know how old he is?”
James stared at him, and he could feel his heart clenching.
“Eighteen,” Sirius continued, his voice cracking again. “He was only eighteen.”
“I know,” and James’s voice cracked too. Sirius looked at him, finally, and Sirius’s eyes were still dark.
The clock struck twelve, signaling midnight, and they knew because there were suddenly many cheers and fireworks outside.
"He didn't even make it past the new year," Sirius croaked and James sobbed.
"I know."
“Why my brother, James?”
“I don’t know,” was all he could reply. “I found myself loving him one day, and I didn’t want to stop.”
“How could you love him knowing what he did to me?”
“He was a child, too, Sirius. He experienced the same things you did.”
“But I was a child, too!” Sirius yelled, “and I left! He had the same choice as me!”
“Sirius, when you left, he couldn’t,” James said, sobbing again. He didn’t want to tell Sirius, because Sirius will blame himself, and he didn’t want to see another Black cry again. “Your parents would have done everything to bring at least one of you back. They need an heir, Sirius, and you were gone, but Regulus was there.”
Sirius froze, and his eyes widened.
“It’s not your fault,” James immediately said, “Sirius, you needed to leave, they would have killed you, you needed to leave, Sirius, it’s not your fault.”
“But, I—“ he sniffed, “I should have been there, or took him with me! If I left first, my parents—Walburga and Orion would have made sure he couldn’t even think about leaving too! I should have kidnapped him out of there when I left, or shouldn’t have left in the first place!”
James held his hand, squeezing once, squeezing twice.
“You needed to leave, Sirius. It wasn’t your fault.”
“It is,” Sirius sobbed. “I should have been there.”
James and Sirius hugged, and he selfishly wished they didn’t have to be hurt.
In another life, he’s sure that somewhere out there, James never mixed in with Regulus. He never looked at Regulus and thought he looked oddly attractive, Regulus never looked at him and kissed him. In another life, Regulus would have died and James wouldn’t have known. In another life, they would find out through the Daily Prophet, and James would have comforted Sirius without pain in his own heart. In another life, James would fully love Lily for all his life, have a son with her, and love him for the rest of his life. Perhaps he would have died young, too, but he would never die knowing he’ll see Regulus again.
In another life, Regulus and James wouldn’t have loved each other.
But in this life, James thinks as he looks at the sky from the window and it hurts that he can't see Regulus's constellation from this view, they did, and James knew him.
James didn’t know Regulus Black, not until he died and everything returned to him.