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Instant regret still comes too late.
Honestly, when Sirius concocted this brilliant scheme, he’d known it would be hilarious - he just hadn’t realized that it would only be hilarious to literally everyone else but him.
Of course, the prank hadn’t actually gone as planned. He’d been aiming at Snivellus, and, well, Remus had just…been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Or possibly the right place at the right time, because holy shit.
He’d accepted his dumb attraction to his best friend sometime in first year (and his subsequent dumb okay so maybe I kinda love you in second), which was also when he firmly decided that he wasn’t going to do a damn thing about it. His friends meant everything to him and he wasn’t about to let his idiot feelings ruin the only good thing in his life.
All these years, he’d managed to keep himself in check, managed to rein in his crazier impulses, such as the impulse to grab Remus’ stupid, stupid face and kiss every inch of it several times over - a daily struggle, to be sure. Okay, there’d been that time last year when he’d gotten a bit high and might have possibly insinuated (loudly declared) that he thought Remus had a cute butt. That was a bit awkward.
But this? This was a thousand times worse.
Because when Remus accidentally got between Sirius’ wand and his unwitting Slytherin victim, his school robes Transfigured into a female Muggle sundress, and Sirius’ brain short-circuited.
It’d seemed harmless in theory; he’d come across the image in one of his contraband Muggle motorbike mags, a woman wearing a thing called a “sundress”. Most of the women in his mags were considerably less clothed, wearing bikinis and tight one-piece swimsuits, but this was different, this was something women wore daily, and he’d been taken aback at the amount of skin being flashed. Witch’s robes were much more appropriate, compared to this-this sundress. Then an image of Snivellus wearing something similar flashed through his head, and even while he groaned and fought in vain to rid himself of the horrific image, the Marauder part of his brain whispered ‘perfect’.
But seeing Remus in the same dress invoked an entirely different reaction. Remus looked - he looked - he looked hot.
“Shit,” he whimpered aloud, clutching his wand tightly to his chest as everyone in the hall (because of course he’d picked a crowded place, of course) froze in their tracks for precisely three seconds before bursting into laughter. Remus had frozen as well, and stayed frozen now, staring down at the vividly scarlet dress he was suddenly, inexplicably wearing, at his own pale, lightly furred legs, at his threadbare socks and his well-worn trainers. Then, slowly, like from one of those horror movies Pete liked to make them watch on holidays, his gaze lifted and locked onto Sirius immediately. His eyes widened, then narrowed into angry slits, and Sirius trembled with fear because teachers? He could handle them. Angry Slytherins? Not a problem. But an angry Remus Lupin? Now that was terrifying.
Thankfully, Snivellus chose that moment to smirk and drawl, “Well, this isn’t surprising in the least. But I must point out, you’ve forgotten a matching hat.”
The glare Sirius sent his way could’ve pierced a dragon’s hide, but before he could step in, Remus stood up a bit straighter, clutched his bag a bit tighter, and continued walking in the direction of their next class.
Once he realized what was happening, Sirius scampered off after him. When they were side by side, he began, “Er, Moony, I didn’t-”
Without sparing a glance in his direction, Remus said, “Not talking to you right now, Sirius.”
“But aren’t you going to change-?”
“No, I am not going to change,” Remus told him, and his tone was threatening enough that Sirius decided not to ask anymore questions.
And Remus wore the sundress for the rest of the day.
-
“I’m confused but intrigued,” James said when they met up outside of the Transfiguration classroom.
“I’m just confused,” Peter said.
-
“Next time you come to class in a dress, Mr. Lupin, I suggest you wear suitable footwear,” Professor McGonagall told Remus before class began, and she didn’t mention it again for the entire lesson.
-
“I’m not going to ask,” Lily stated wearily, going back to her note-taking without further comment.
“I am,” Alice said, staring at Remus unabashedly. “Where did you get that dress?”
-
Remus had his legs crossed, seated on an armchair in the Common Room and reading a book. Sirius was sat on the couch across from him, and from time to time had to stifle his whimpers.
-
As they were getting ready for bed, Remus finally turned to Sirius, sundress held in his hands, and calmly stated, “You owe me a new set of robes.” Sirius, of course, took this as his cue to begin apologizing anew.
“-I’m so, so sorry, Remus, I was aiming for Snivellus and then you moved and I didn’t notice until I’d cast the spell and-”
“I’m not upset with you,” Remus interrupted. “I mean, I was at first, I was furious, but you’ve suffered enough.”
“Er, what?”
A sly, Marauder-esque smile had spread over Remus’ face and he carefully turned to place the sundress on a hanger and hang it beside the other set of robes in his wardrobe. Then he faced Sirius again, smile still in place, and casually stated, “I saw the way you were looking at the dress, so I decided to wear it for the rest of the day to teach you a lesson.”
Sirius gaped like a fish, stunned speechless for a moment, then he blurted, “I was looking at you! Not-not the dress. You.”
From where he’d been blatantly eavesdropping behind the curtains of his four-poster, James called out, “If you girls are quite finished professing your undying love, some of us need our beauty sleep!”
“There’s not enough sleep in the world, Prongs,” Remus called back, not taking his eyes off Sirius even when James threw a pillow at him in retaliation. He was smiling again, a softer, more fond smile, and it was doing funny things to Sirius’ insides.
“So, uh…” Sirius began, then trailed off when he couldn’t think of anything to say. Remus was still looking at him, so he coughed and shuffled his feet awkwardly to distract himself from the unsettling scrutiny.
After another minute of this, Remus took a step closer, then another, until they were stood almost chest to chest. Then he smiled, leaned in a bit closer, and told him in a low voice meant for his ears only, “Next time you want to see me in a dress, Sirius, just ask.”
This time, Sirius didn’t quite manage to stifle his whimper.