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The first thing Kallus noticed when he started to wake up was that everything hurt. If he was being honest, it felt a little like he had been run over by a starship. There wasn’t a part of his body that didn’t ache terribly. Every time he took a breath, his sides protested loudly, clearly the result of broken ribs.
Kallus, still struggling to breathe through the pain in his chest, cracked his eyes open. At first, everything was blurry. He couldn’t make out much, except for the shades of color in the room around him. There was a dark gray ceiling and walls. There was a window to his left casting light over the room. He blinked, and the world came back into focus.
He wasn’t in an imperial medbay. This really didn’t feel like any medbay he had ever been in before, really. He glanced to his left, and saw a lush forest through the open window next to his bed. There were stone walls and a somewhat mossy stone ceiling above him.
Shifting slightly in his bed, his body lit up with pain. He winced and groaned slightly, before turning to his right. He noticed that his forearm was in a cast, and he had an IV taped to the crook of his elbow. Beyond that, and sitting slumped and sleeping against the wall, was one of the only people in this Galaxy that made things feel safe.
Garazeb Orrelios sat in a small chair, leaning back against the wall. His head was resting on the hard stone behind him, and his neck was turned at a strange angle. The man was sleeping, his breaths even and soft. Kallus watched the man in wonder. Was he really… real? Was Zeb really there? There was no reasonable explanation for this other than…
Had they both died? What had happened? Kallus wracked his brain, trying desperately to remember.
The last thing he could bring to mind was… on the bridge of the Chimera. Watching as his friends and colleagues had been shot down and killed by the imperial forces. The people he had tried so hard to protect had died in front of him, and he was powerless to do anything about it.
He remembered Thrawn leaving to command the ground assault. He had left Pryce in charge, of all people. And… then there was the airlock. And the cold. The air had been sucked out of his lungs. He remembered being weightless as he felt his consciousness slip away. The panic in his chest as he felt himself succumb to death. The liquid boiling in his mouth and in his veins as his body took its place among the stars.
But as he looked around the room, and at the sleeping lasat next to the bed, Kallus wasn’t quite sure he was remembering things correctly. He had died. He remembered dying very well, actually. The whole thing had certainly left an impression on him. But… he was here. And he was breathing. And there was no way he was actually dead, because his entire body hurt.
He turned once more to look at the lasat. The poor man looked absolutely exhausted. Hence why he was sleeping against a hard stone wall, Kallus reasoned. But why here? Why in his hospital room? Why was Zeb here?
He opened his mouth to speak, trying to say the lasat’s name to wake him. Unfortunately for him, his throat was so incredibly dry, he was immediately thrown into a coughing fit. As he tried desperately to catch his breath, and to stop the agony of coughing with broken ribs, he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder.
When he had stopped enough to catch his breath, Kallus felt something cold and hard press against his lips. When he opened his eyes, he saw Zeb holding a glass of water to his mouth. He gratefully accepted the water, reveling in the feeling of the cold liquid on his painful throat.
“There you go Kal, nice and easy.” Now that his ears had stopped ringing from the pain of the coughing fit, he could hear Zeb speaking encouragement to him softly as he drank. Once Zeb had pulled the glass away, Kallus looked over at him, watching as he put the glass down on the table beside the bed.
The lasat sat back in the chair and smiled at Kallus. “You’re awake.”
Kallus nodded, unsure of what else to do. Even that much movement caused a wave of pain to crash against his skull, causing him to wince.
“Are you in pain?” The lasat said, already standing from his seat.
“Yes,” Kallus managed to croak out.
Within minutes, Zeb had returned with a medic, who had promptly added a small bag of pain medicine to his IV. He carefully nodded his thanks at the medic as they left the room. He then turned back to Zeb, who had returned to his chair.
“I’m alive.”
The smile on Zeb’s face was heartbreakingly tender. It lit a fire within Kallus’s chest that he didn’t want to think about right now. “You tried real hard to die on us. But somehow, you made it through.”
Trying once again to pick through his memories and coming up empty handed, Kallus sent a confused look at Zeb. “What happened?”
Casting a glance at the floor, Zeb sighed. “Well, we were escaping Atollon. Do you remember Atollon?”
Kallus nodded softly, as to not aggravate his injuries.
“Well, we were making our final escape past the blockade after Ezra and ‘Bine brought in reinforcements. But then Kanan sensed something out in space.” The lasat looked up at him, brows furrowed with concern. “Turns out, it was you. Those kriffing imps had the audacity to throw you out the airlock.”
He remembered that quite vividly. Kallus was sure that as long as he lived, he would never forget the feeling of free-floating in space, having the air stolen from his lungs as his consciousness faded away.
“But Hera was able to scoop you up with the Ghost. We were moving pretty fast when you hit the cargo bay.” Zeb gestured to his broken arm. Now that Kallus was looking, he was fairly certain that one of his legs was in a cast as well. “Sorry about that. I’m sure you’re never going to hear the end of the apologies from Hera. She feels real bad about hitting you so hard.”
Kallus shook his head gently. He felt very little pain with it. The pain meds must be working. “You saved me, and Hera feels guilty?” he asked, his voice still rough.
At the sound of his voice, Zeb smiled. “Yeah. But you know Hera. I think once she sees that you’re alright, she will start to calm down a little bit. The last time she saw ya… You were in real bad shape Kal. You barely made it.”
He nodded. He felt like he had been in bad shape. He still felt like he was in bad shape. But he supposed that since he was conscious, he was doing worlds better than he had been when the crew had found him.
“How long was I out?”
“Well… Once we got you back to Yavin, you were in bacta for about three weeks. And you’ve been out of that, and sedated for another week.”
He had been with the rebellion for a month? His eyes widened. That was a long time. He must have been even worse than Zeb was letting on. Kallus knew that people could survive for a small amount of time in the vacuum of space, even after they lost consciousness. Kallus also knew that humans could survive a few broken bones. But the timeline didn’t line up in his head. If it had just been that… he wouldn’t have needed bacta treatment for almost a month.
“What else happened?” He had a feeling he wasn’t getting the whole story.
“When we got you onboard the Ghost, you were nearly dead. Rex did most of the work in the field. He said you had some sort of… I think he said your lung collapsed? You were kinda conscious when he fixed that. It was kinda hard to watch. You couldn’t really breathe. And then your…” Zeb looked down at the floor before continuing. Kallus watched his face carefully, noticing how difficult it was for the lasat to speak about this. “Your heart stopped Kal. It was… it was a lot. There were multiple times where I thought you were gone. I mean, you looked gone. You looked bad. I did CPR on ya for over an hour before we reached Yavin.”
That explained the broken ribs then, Kallus assumed. Well, that and the impact with the Ghost. His pain made a lot more sense now.
“Thank you.”
Zeb looked up, his eyes wide with emotion. “Don’t have to thank me Kal. Anyone would have done the same thing.”
Kallus furrowed his brows and shook his head. “No. I was an imperial. I have done terrible things. Why do you care so much?”
As the words left his mouth, the memories came flooding back to him. The reason that all of this had started. Him, bound by his wrists in the communication tower. The pain of the death troopers torturing him. Thrawn’s steady drawl into the Fulcrum transmitter. The cool metal of the barrel of a blaster against his head, and then…
“Atollon!”
A mixture of rage and something else he didn’t want to name burned inside his chest. He glared at the lasat, who was sitting back, a cautious look on his face as he watched the thoughts play out behind Kallus’s eyes.
“You told him. You told him where your base was,” Kallus growled through gritted teeth.
“I did. And I stand by that decision.” The look on Zeb’s face invited no deliberation. Kallus was going to deliberate anyway.
“You risked the lives of so many people. Zeb, do you even know how many people the rebellion lost because of you?” He knew it was a low blow, but he was seething.
Everything Kallus had worked toward for an entire year. Spying under Thrawn’s nose for an entire year. And as an ISB agent, nonetheless. It’s not as if he could keep a low profile. Did Zeb know everything that Kallus gave up for the rebellion? Did he know that Kallus hadn’t slept but three hours a night? Did he know that Kallus had been having daily panic attacks behind closed doors, because he worried he would be put in a situation where he had to be the one to watch the life fade from a rebel’s eyes? Did Zeb know that he would have been willing to do it, for the rebellion?
“Everything I worked for. Everything I gave up for the rebellion, and you throw it all away? And for what?” Kallus spat. Zeb looked hurt.
“I saved your life, you ungrateful bastard,” Zeb growled, sitting forward in his chair and bearing his teeth slightly.
“Zeb, what you did was irrational and stupid. What you did undermined everything I worked to achieve as Fulcrum. Do you know how many people died because of what you told Thrawn?” Kallus couldn’t hold back his anger now. He just couldn’t understand.
“You weren’t there, Kallus, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” the lasat growled, turning away from him.
“I don’t know what I’m talking about?” Kallus scoffed at the irony. “Zeb, you couldn’t even begin to understand how little my life meant in the grand scheme of things.”
“I’m not the one who doesn’t understand, Kallus,” Zeb said, clearly trying to keep his voice calm.
At this, Kallus felt the dam break. “Was what I did not enough? Was my sacrifice not enough to keep the Rebellion safe? No, apparently it wasn’t, because you were afraid to lose one kriffing soldier. You were a coward. You should have let me die.”
Zeb glared at him over his shoulder. “You know I’m only letting you get away with this because I’m glad you’re alive. If you hadn’t been in such bad shape when we picked you up, I would leave your sorry ass here, alone.” Zeb turned away. “I did what I had to.”
“Did what you had to?” Kallus saw red. Zeb didn’t know the meaning of those words. “Please enlighten me then, Garazeb. Why exactly did you have to risk the entirety of the rebellion, and waste the lives of good people?” His voice was raised now, but he didn’t care. He was immeasurably pissed.
“How was I supposed to sleep at night, knowing that I was the one who got you into that situation?” Zeb turned and met his eyes. The lasat burned with fury. “How was I supposed to sleep at night, knowing that I was the one who got you to question, who got you to turn coat. Knowing that I sat by during that meeting, and listened to your execution over the Fulcrum transmitter?” Zeb paused for a moment before continuing. “Kallus, you don’t know me. But I have to live with myself every day knowing how many lives my actions have cost. I couldn’t live with your life on my conscience too.”
Kallus sat back in his bed, turning away from Zeb. “Well, now you get to live with all the lives we lost on Atollon.” He knew he was being unfair. He knew that this wouldn’t help anything. But he was just so angry.
“Still better than knowing I got you killed.” There was silence for a moment before Zeb spoke again. “Ashla help me, I don’t know why, but I care about you Kal. I can’t make sense of it, but I care about your stubborn, mean, insufferable ass. And for some reason, I just couldn’t sit by and listen to the man I care about die.”
The silence sat heavy in the room. Kallus felt his heart shatter at Zeb’s words. He cared about him? The lasat put the entire rebellion at risk because of his emotions? That was kriffing stupid in Kallus’s opinion. The man might be one of the most dense and unintelligent beings Kallus had ever encountered. But he would be lying if he said that it didn’t make his heart skip a beat.
Zeb’s voice was soft when he spoke next. “Kallus. I know you probably won’t understand this. But I’ve lost so many people in my life that I’ve cared about. People I have been responsible for. People that I loved. There are so many lives lost that are on me. I have been unable to stop death as it came for the people around me so many times. And I was faced with a situation where I could have had that happen again. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had let another person I care about die, when I could have done something about it. You couldn’t understand what it feels like to be completely unable to save people, and then to be given an opportunity to change that.” There was a moment of silence. “I wasn’t going to fail you too.”
Kallus tried to be angry. He really did. But as a tear slipped down his cheek, he knew he had failed. Damn the lasat for being so good with words. Damn him for caring about someone who was irredeemable. Damn him for being so soft, and so full of hope that he could save people.
After a moment of silence, he heard Zeb stand and walk to the door.
“I do understand, actually,” Kallus said. Zeb stopped immediately, and Kallus turned his face to look at him. “Remember what I told you about Onderon?”
Zeb didn’t speak, but nodded.
“I would do anything to save people these days. And I suppose that’s why I’m so mad. I did everything I could, and yet, from my perspective, people still died because of me.” He looked away from Zeb, feeling uncomfortable with the eye contact. “You and I have very different perspectives of what happened. From my view, I had to stand by and watch as people died because of me.”
Zeb stepped back toward him, leaning against the side of his bed. “They didn’t die because of you.” Zeb placed an open hand on his thigh. Kallus wasn’t quite used to the touch, although he didn’t mind it. “They died because of my feelings, and my weakness.” Kallus met his eyes. He watched as a tear ran down the side of Zeb’s face. “They died because I was too weak to let you go. I know that. It had nothing to do with you, so please don’t blame yourself.”
His heart felt so full of affection for this poor, impulsive man in front of him that Kallus couldn’t help but rest his arm, cast and all, on top of where Zeb’s hand lay on his thigh. He hoped the gesture was comforting.
“Zeb, I can’t begin to fathom how you came to care about somebody like me,” he said, trying to meet the lasat’s eyes. “But my inability to understand the depth of your forgiveness does not change the fact that you saved my life. Multiple times now. And I am grateful.” Zeb met his eyes, and Kallus had to take a calming breath before continuing. “Force knows I don’t deserve to feel the way I do, but I care about you as well Zeb. However, this one, I can explain. Because you are a wonderful man, who has somehow managed to forgive someone who, in the eyes of many other sane people, is completely unforgivable. I do not deserve your affection, Garazeb. But I want you to know that you have mine. And no matter what you decide to do from here on out, you will have my loyalty, and my care, whenever you need it.”
The smile on the lasat’s face was teary as he spoke, moving his hand to envelope Kallus’s. “I’m glad you’re alive.”
For the first time that day, Kallus smiled. “I suppose I am as well.”