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“%$!#!” Your cry was muffled by the pillow held tightly to your face as you kicked and thrashed, bunching your poor covers onto one side.
Jax sat idly on the edge of your bed, uncharacteristically behaved as he listened to your frustrations. An almost daily occurrence since the day you had caught him snooping around in your room and decided he was good enough to rant to — and he decided you were good enough to listen to. He had found it amusing that you still deluded yourself with the idea that there was an exit and follow ‘clues’ like a headless chicken, he’d use the new material to taunt you. —Not that you minded because you were too desperate for an audience to kick him out your room.
“Bad day at work?”
Your response was an incoherent grumble.
“Hm, whazzat? Ya gotta use your words, babe.” He prodded your side. Jax’s cheshire grin stretched as you steadily let the pillow drop and sat up and sat up dejectedly, relishing in the way your face had scrunched. How charming. “Atta go.” He hummed teasingly, relishing in how your face scrunched.
“Shut up, Jax. I can’t deal with you right now.” You snapped and gave him the stink-eye. Jax raised his arms calmly. Looks like he hit a nerve.
“Hey you’re not the one who’s giving the time of day to listen to a sad man’s trumpet.” He said, squinting. The snark came like second nature.
With how moody you were being today he’d expected some defiance — perhaps a badly delivered jab or a sulky pout.
To Jax’s surprise, you’d done none of the sort. While you attempted to intimidate with a hard stare, that had only lasted briefly before the steely bravado crumbled into what he could decipher was a look of hurt and shame and— wait. Were you?—
“Are you crying?” Jack gaped in disbelief. You winced and hugged your legs.
“I’m sorry.” You muttered, blinking away tears. This was the first time he’s seen you look so vulnerable. “I-I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I thought—” You paused to breathe, lacking the presence of the usual fervor or ire you’d carry with you as exhaustion weighed your shoulders down. Jax contemplated how this was the smallest you’ve ever been, you looked nothing like yourself. “I know I’ve dealt with dead ends like this in that past. But this time I thought I actually hadsomething. Something to look forward to, something to keep me going in this toy box of a hellscape.”
“…And I don’t already?” He quipped after much consideration. You stared at him, unimpressed. “What? It’s a genuine question!” He threw his arms up dramatically, eyes forming cheeky crescents.
“Like hell you do.” You snorted and rolled your eyes, he caught a flicker of mirth in them before they dulled like a candle burning out. “…But it really is frustrating, you know. These past few weeks, I thought I was actually making progress. I even told you about it! I’ve played myself a fool…”
“…” Jax would never admit it out loud, but he had grown fond of you. He didn’t know when it began but he’d come to the realization of it one day when he realized he’d been observing you too closely. —Maybe that was why he felt obligated to do something about your… current state.
“There there…?” he pat your back tentatively, he had no idea how this worked. He held back the strong urge to pull away and gag at how soft he was being. Jax snuck a glance at your face and— oh. —he stilled.
It’s like a pin dropped. For a split second, Jax’s smile wavered and his fingers twitched
Hazy eyes, clouded by desperation in an almost-manic sense and foreboding dread. They stared into empty space as if they were elsewhere, lost.
Jax recognized that look. He’s seen it in Wacky, Queenie, Kaufmo — they all wore that same face exact face, and they all abstracted soon after.
The thought of you ending up the same way scared something in him.
“I think about the number of times I’ve run into dead ends, and it puts me in a crisis. How many times will I fall for this, before there’s finally a way out? And how long until then? What about my family? Friends? Will they still be around?” You began muttering to yourself, zoning out. He’s losing you.
Jax realized that he should do something, at this rate you were going to spiral and you sanity would plummet to the negatives.
Without much thought, he blurted out; “Ever considered stopping?”
“…What?” You slowly turned to him, eyebrows creased and eyes wide with incredulity.
Before you could say anything, Jax continued. “Hear me out! I mean, how long have you been trying to ‘get out’ of here? 3, 4 years? Yeesh, you’d think that you would have made some progress by now.”
…That sounded harsher than he’d intended. Jax tried to change his tone as he spoke, but to no avail. He realized that he knew nothing about comforting a person, the vocabulary he used had been fitted to insult. It’s like his words had gone through some sick fun house mirror — words that were meant to help seemed to pierce through your spirit instead.
“You’ve been running around like a headless chicken. Honestly, it’s sad to watch.” I’m worried about you.
“You should just give up so that you can stop embarrassing yourself any further.” What you’re doing is hurting you. You should take a break.
“Nothing’s going to happen anyway. ” It’s going to be okay.
He knew should have stopped the second he had opened his mouth, but he went on and on. You were silent by the end of it. Jax cringed internally, eyes flitting everywhere in the room but at you.
“Oh.” You said, tone eerily neutral. “I guess you’re right.”
“…Really?”
“Yep. I guess I’ve been big trouble to deal with, huh? My bad.” Jax thought he heard your voice crack. He looked at you, you looked fidgety— holding back, but you still managed to maintain eye contact with him. “…Oh, you can go now by the way. You don’t have to come by anymore. These past few nights must’ve been a waste of time.”
He waved you off, “Nah, you were fun to listen to.”
You paused and then chucked, though it sounded more like coughing, “Really? I’m glad then. But I don’t think I’ll have anything to talk your ear off about, since— you know.” You gesture frantically. He nodded along, tugging at the straps of his trousers. Jax had a bad feeling, he wanted nothing more than to get out of here from how tense it was.
“Right. Guess I’ll go now…” He muttered, awkwardly getting away from you to open the door. He paused. “See you tomorrow.” He said, it sounded more like a question— a plead.
You don’t answer and instead gave him a taut smile that didn’t quite reach your up eyes. It did little to tame the discomforting lurch in his nonexistent stomach, he decided against pointing it out.
“…‘Kay.” He said, unsurely. “Night.”
You waved him goodbye.
Jax swallowed, trying and failing to set aside his unease. He offered a dubious smile before slipping out your room and stomped through the halls, ignoring his gut sense that screamed for him to go back.
You’ll be fine. He told himself instead.
The next day Jax locked eyes with you as you were dropped into the cellar. He blinked and you were gone. He would never see you again.
Jax felt numb. His feet wobbled but he stayed in place. He didn’t cry or do anything of the sort, he just stood there, as if trying to process what had happened.
—But he’d already understood, that had been you. The black, multi-eyed mass that looked nothing like you was you. It had hit like a truck, he barely had time to react— to reach out, or run away, before he lost you.
“—If only I’d known. Maybe I could’ve talked to them.” He distantly heard somebody say.
His fists clenched and unclenched. ‘You knew this was bound to happen.’ a voice in the back of his head whispered.
Jax knew. He tried to talk you down but had ended up being the one who pushed you to your downfall.
Just because a chicken has wings didn’t mean it could fly — in the same way just because Jax could talk, didn’t mean he could help you. His words had long been used for hurting they had lost the ability to comfort, Jax didn’t even remember if he was ever capable of doing so.
Had it been someone else last night, would things have played out differently? Would you have left your room as yourself?
The thought ate him alive.
Jax laughed bitterly, uncaring for the attention he drew.
“This place is %$!#-ing hell.”